Hello. My name is Harley. I have a well-recorded history of not being complete shit at advice, and am particularly good with mental health, most kinds of relationships, and LGBTQ+ issues.
Website: My Personal Blog
Location: Canada
Member Since: September 8, 2012
Answers: 32
Last Update: June 23, 2015
Visitors: 4060
Main Categories:
Love Life
Mental health
Random Weirdos
View All
|
| |
|
well i was talking to this guy i love and he loves me too but earlier he got mad bc i left the room to spend time with my friends and i didn't really see him today so he wanted to spend time with me but i left. and now he thinks i don't love him or care about him yet i keep saying i do. he doesn't believe me ): and he keeps acting dry and saying yep & mhm. i don't know what to do anymore. then i am like look it looks like you wanna be alone so i should leave you alone and he's like sure do what you want. i don't understand. just bc of that he is really sad and stuff. now he is ignoring me after i said i love u. (link)
|
You're saying you love him, but he's not hearing it. Actions speak louder than words-do something romantic for him. Flowers and chocolates, or a romantic dinner, something like that.
What concerns me here, though, is that he's getting angry at you for spending time with friends. He's important to you, but it's also important to have Friendships. One person cannot be all things to you.I may be misinterpreting "he got mad bc i left to spend time with my friends", though.
So, if you really haven't been spending time with him lately, it's time to change that. If you're not sure if you're not spending enough time with him, talk to him about it. If he straight-up doesn't want you to have friends, though, that's not ok, and you need to talk about boundaries.
|
20/f
I have been dating this really sweet guy for a few months. But my mom won't accept him cause she thinks I deserve better. In her head she thinks I'm something special just because I'm pretty,quite intelligent and study medicine. He may not go to college,but he is hardworking and he really cares about me. The main reason she won't accept him is that he wears hearing aid,which to her makes him disabled. I honestly couldn't care less about that,just because he lost his hearing due to an accident doesn't make him a bad person. Also she minds because he is from a village and I'm from a city. She thinks he wants to take me away from them and trap me as a housewife. In short,she demonizes him because of some prejudice and she has never even met him. I tried talking some sense into her but she sticks to her opinion. (link)
|
That sounds like a really difficult situation. Your mom may come around, or she might not. Either way, you've got a few options. You could break up with him for the sake of keeping the peace, or stay with him and tune out your mom as best you can. it doesn't sound like you want to break up with this guy at all, and I'm with you. You like him, he treats you well, and you're happy with this relationship. That's not something to give up lightly. So, it looks like you're going to have to deal with your mom's prejudices about the situation.
I recommend a direct approach. Find a time to sit with your mom alone and talk with her. If she interrupts you a lot, ask that she not talk until you're done saying your piece. Tell her that regardless of whether or not this guy is "worthy" of you, you like him and you're happy with him. Ask her if she would consider reserving judgement until she has met him and had dinner or something with him. If she agrees, there's your opportunity to show her that this guy makes you happy. If she refuses, then there's not a lot you can do. Say that you don't care to hear her opinion of him, and ask her to keep it to herself, at least around you. You may not be able to change her mind, but you don't have to listen to her spout her prejudices about his hearing loss or where he lives. Even if she refuses to stop saying these things, you always have the option of leaving whenever she starts talking crap.
As for standing in your way, you're an adult. You're entitled to make your own choices about your relationships, and your mom does not get to weigh in. She can try all she likes, but ultimately your relationship is down to you and your boyfriend. No one else.
|
|
I want sex with my boyfriend but I'm lucky if I get a kiss of him. Im a girl and I only got my first bra today and I'm not finished with puberty I've snogged and my ex showed me how to have sex but he left my school my other ex dumped me for two girls in my class. My boyfriend isn't that serious and I want more but the ex that is still in school won't go back out with me. (link)
| |
I like how an identical question with a different age was posted minutes after this one. A+ 10/10 would be trolled again.
|
I've been in a relationship with a girl from overseas for almost two years. I'm a 26 y/o guy, and she's 24. She came with me here about a year and a half ago. I treat her well, romance her, buy her roses, bake her cakes, take her out when I have time, tell her that she's beautiful, help her look for work, and a lot with English.
Last year she started acting funny and talking about a guy, and I found out she cheated on me by looking at her phone, and reading her emails (Not saying this was right, just that I did it). I confronted her, but I never really felt she thought what she did was wrong. I promised not to look at her stuff again.
For the half year since then she's been using her phone a ton, and hiding it from me. Lately she has been getting calls and messages from the guy she cheated with on me again, so often that even though she doesn't want me to know, it's inevitable that I would see at some point. She gets pissed off over trivial things, she's stuck to her phone 24/7, we hardly ever have sex anymore, and sometimes I don't feel like she even wants to be here.
So I gave her time, and everything just felt kind of wrong. I broke my promise and checked up on her. She's still cheating on me, and things never really stopped. She tells me she's faithful, nothing has happened, and she loves me, but I know she's lying.
Recently she got offered her dream job in my country, and the contract process is happening fairly quickly. She's staying here on a Partner visa with me, and we live together. If I break up with her, she either has to leave within a month, or become illegal. Apart from that, it will obviously make my life more hellish for that month than it already is living with a person who you know is lying to you with a straight face, while making out with another guy. I know that she is planning to stay with me for the two years it will take for her to gain permanent residence, and then leave me for the guy she is cheating on me with.
In my country, you can only ever sponsor two people to be partners, and if your first partner is granted PR, the length your second one has to wait grows to 5 years, rather than just 2.
I don't know how to handle breaking up with her, and what to say to who, when. I don't want to be taken advantage of, or have my name smeared by this. Breaking up with her before she gets PR will pretty much destroy her whole life as she knows it. She quit her job to come here with me, which is kind of a black spot on her employment history in her home country. I feel angry and upset about what she has done to our relationship, but I'm still battling feelings of love for her, and I don't want to see her broken. I wish everything I know about what's happened could be a lie, but I know it's not, so I have to deal with it.
To complicate things, accepting the job involves costly medical and security checks for her, and may mean we consider moving. I'm at university, and I only just found this out, right before the exam period. I really don't want to think about this before exams, and I definitely don't want to break up with her just before my first exam, so I am putting it off, but I feel so guilty for "supporting" her through the process of getting checks and references for this job that I know will be difficult if not impossible for her to keep.
What would you do?
What should I tell her? The truth? Or that I've fallen out of love, but don't know why? Or that one of her friends told me the truth?
How do I deal with the stress of living together with this oblivious lying girl who tells me she loves me?
What should I do to handle the resistance that I'm likely to have to breaking up with her? She won't want to break up with me, because she wants PR.
Can you tell me some steps and the order in which I might do them?
Any other general advice about the situation that I haven't asked a specific question about is more than welcome.
Thanks in advance.
-Troubled (link)
|
This is very troubling. You have a few options.
1) Break up with her. She will lose her job, permanent residence in your country, and pretty much any chance at a job in her own country. You will be free of her current and future emotional backlash. You will sit her down, tell her you know about the cheating, tell her you're breaking up with her, quietly sit there for a couple hours while she flips her proverbial shit, ignore her for a month, and be done with the whole affair.
2) Stick with it. Just put up with her bullshit for another 18 months. She will keep her job, break up with you, and pretty much waste your time with pretending not to be cheating. You will get hurt. Big time. You probably won't be able to get over her, living in close quarters. In this situation, the best you can do is minimize. Don't talk to her more than you have to. Don't go out on dates more than you have to. Put the absolute minimum effort into the relationship, and rest assured that she isn't even matching it.
3) Lie to the government. Probably not a great option, but if it's the best you've got, it's the best you've got. You will sit her down, tell her you're breaking up with her, that you will still let her mooch off the Partner Visa, and that you know about the cheating.
If she acknowledges the cheating, she will live with you for the 18 months, and you will ignore her to the best of your abilities.
If she doesn't acknowledge the cheating in that situation, you should run. Fucking run. Because that means she's manipulationg you for reasons other than the PR-most likely for fun. And suffice to say, that would fucking suck.
I can't tell you what to do here, but I wish you the best of luck.
|
|
Hello, I'm 18/F and my boyfriend is 21. We've been dating for almost two years now and we are deeply in love with each other. He wants to get me a promise ring but I think it's a bit childish and I want an engagement ring instead. What should I do? (link)
| |
You are allowed to propose to your boyfriend if that\'s what you want. Keep in mind though, you seem to be at different places in the relationship-he isn\'t quite ready for the commitment that would come with an engagement ring, whereas you don\'t particularly want to wait. You need to sit down and talk it out with him. Good luck!
|
|
Me and my boyfriend have just started dating, and he already wants a kid. I am 17 and he is 18, I love kids, BUT I'm not 100% I'm ready. I am a girl to likes to go out and have fun. Any suggestions on how to handle it? (link)
|
Oh HELL no.
You have JUST started dating this guy, and he wants you pregnant?! You haven't talked marriage, education, finances, or anything else related to having a kid, raising a kid together, or anything of the sort. If things don't work out between you two, you've got a baby to take care of and no way to support them.
Do NOT get pregnant. If I were you, I would be running from this guy as fast as possible. It's possible he will use the baby as leverage to keep you in a relationship that could even turn abusive. Leave now. Do not pass GO.
|
I am involved with a married man (or was, or is?). Last week we spent two days together. On the second day, he told me it was over. He couldn't see me again, he hated the fact he was cheating on his wife, and it was killing him inside. We held each other and cried and said our Goodbye's. I felt as if the world came crashing down on me. I told him how sorry I was that we got involved in something that was against both our morals. He said he wanted to remain friends but we had to stop our flirting, texts, and messages.
The weekend went by and I barely ate or slept. Today he calls me (we work for the same department, different locations) and tells me he's not sure he's done with me yet. That he just wants an extended break. Why did he change his mind?
Some back story (without going in too far). I am married also. We started out as friends, talking back and forth at work to resolve the same problems. We are both over forty, with children, he loves his wife, I am with my husband because I am too afraid to be on my own (not financially, just physically alone). This is both our first, on cheating on our spouses. I've done massive research on why people have affairs, what happens in an affair, how does an affair end. I know that women believe they're in love, when they are really not (thanks to hormones!) and for men it's a break from the obligations of married life.
My problem is, now I'm in it, blind and dumb, but we click on so many levels (more than just sex). Why didn't he just end it and be done, why do you think he changed his mind?
Before you reply to my question, I know I am wrong, I know he is wrong. We are two selfish individuals, I deserve this, we are going to hell, etc. Try to refrain from putting me down more than I already do. (link)
|
As you said, you two click on various levels. From what I can tell, you are important to him. That being said, he also loves his wife and cares for his kids. He probably needs to step back for a moment and see if this relationship he has with you is worth risking any longer.
Your current situation is difficult. You seem to understand this, so I won't tell you what to do about things. If he chooses to end it, though, it's probably for the best.
I wish you and everyone involved the best of luck.
|
A little background, my boyfriend and I are 24 and 25. A month ago he got his second DUI. He does not have the means to pay for a lawyer so I offered to help. I gave my card to him to give to the lawyer but I never signed anything allowing my permission and what not.
Anyway, today I find out my BF has lied to me for about the millionth time (my fault I suppose for sticking around). I became so livid and the first thing I could think to do was to text him and tell him I am canceling the payment to the lawyer. So, I e-mailed the lawyer and got the card canceled. I have calmed down a lot since and feel like the biggest bitch in the world for doing that. I feel that I overreacted and am looking for advice on how to fix it. Thought about emailing the lawyer explaining I just didn't want anything charged till I could read an agreement. I don't know what to do just feel bad for actually going through with it.
I understand my BF was in the wrong for lying but ultimately I could have reacted differently. Just need help please. (link)
|
Your boyfriend is constantly lying to you. Don't blame yourself for that. You had the right to be angry-heck you STILL have the right to be absolutely furious with this guy.
You can't trust him. He isn't honest with you in matters that directly pertain to you-in this instance, your finances. He has no right to touch any of your money without your express permission, and doing so is a HUGE violation of your boundaries. Treat it as such. Get angry, stay angry. You can't trust someone who refuses to tell the truth. He is not worth your time any more, and to be quite honest, you need to break it off with him. A cycle of hurt(caused by lying) followed by forgiveness and self-blaming is indicative of an abusive relationship, and the fact that he would use your money to pay for his lawyer is just plain problematic. Not to mention the fact that YOU are the one trying to apologize instead of HIM.
Get out of the relationship. You've dealt with enough of his lying.
|
17F
So I like this girl from work. She is just a very refreshing person to talk to and be around, not to mention I think she's incredibly beautiful. It started off with pure infatuation but has calmed down a bit. So I have a couple questions I need answered.
1. She is 21 and I am 17, is that too much of an age difference? I turn 18 in August
2. She agreed to go to prom with me as a "friend" but she already had her prom so is there something more there? She seems into it. Already got her dress, wants to go pick out corsages...
3. Should I make a move? I already told her how I felt and she said on occasions she felt a little more for me than just a friend but isn't sure if she could be in a romantic relationships with a girl (she has hooked up with girls only) I was thinking maybe if I take her on a date, it could open up her mind
Any other comments, just make them :) (link)
|
1. Age difference is not a problem, as long as you aren't having sex/doing sexual stuff until you're 18, or whatever the legal age of consent is in your country.
2. This doesn't prove anything definitively. She could be totally into you or is just willing to go with you as a friend. Best to take what she said at face value and see where it goes from there.
3. If she's not sure she's down for a romantic relationship with a girl, then y'all need to talk it out. Tell her you're into her. Ask her if she wants to go on a date, or not, or if she wants to wait while she figures things out. If she says yes, great! If she says no, try and move on. If she wants to figure things out, be patient, and then act on whichever answer you get as described above.
I wish both off you the best of luck
|
|
Me and now ex, were together for 2 years. However, this past month we haven't been right, I wouldn't say we were even together, the amount of times we broke up in the month. A lot of arguing, I felt I was putting too much effort in and getting little back, I was the one chasing him after we broke up, begging to work things out and the way he were with me was clearly because I was putting effort in, so he felt he didn't need to as I put too much in. However, it's been 2 days since we last spoke, we had an argument and I told him I was going on a date and he told me to never text him again. I want to be in no contact as of today I would say, as I've been checking his profile so it doesn't count as no contact. I'm just wondering though, because I said I was going on a date, maybe he won't come back, he won't text/chase me because of that. I want to build my confidence and patience up, so I don't come off as needy anymore. I'm going to do 30 days of contact, but what happens if he never contacts me again? And what step do I take after the 30 days? Do I try with him after the period is over? My thoughts are luring in my head, I'm thinking if he does message me whilst I'm in no contact and I don't reply, he may think "forget her" and move on himself as I won't be replying. Has anyone got any experiences to share? (link)
|
I'm gonna be blunt-you need to break it off. Stop looking at his profile, don't check for messages, delete any messages you get. If you aren't getting back as good as you give and he isn't willing to talk to you about it, then you deserve better than that. I know it hurts to lose a relationship like that, but the most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. You don't seem happy with this boy anymore-your relationship has been going on and off for a month now, with a metric s***-ton of arguing and negativity. You don't need that.
Since i'm guessing there's no chance of you having a good friendship with this guy post-breakup, I recommend making a list of everything you dislike about him and being in a relationship with him. Cry, eat too much ice cream, watch 500 Days of Summer and The Breakfast Club and any other movies you want, talk to your friends, and completely wipe him out of your life. That's my advice.
Best of luck to you.
|
|
Hey guys! I'm 17 Iv been with my boyfriend for 3 months now. I love him, but sometimes he's to lovey dovey I mean I'm like that too, but he always wants to see me. I like to see him it's always fun to hang. It's just I got a lot on my mind like school,friends, and family. I hate to tell him I won't be able to hang out with him. I just feel bad and worry to much. I hate it. I feel confused I don't know if maybe dating is to much for me or maybe because he's my first boyfriend and don't have many experience with dating. Should i Iet him know I need space I mean we get along great he's such a nice guy. I just wanna know how many times should I see my boyfriend I used to see him like everyday but I need space and I don't know do I still love him. I need advice thanks!!!(: (link)
| |
You definitely need to talk to him about this. Much as you love him, you do need alone time, time with friends, family time, etc. So yeah, talk to him. Make sure he understands that it's not because you don't love him, but it's because you need some time to yourself and you can't be with him all the time. It isn't anything he's doing wrong-it's a personal thing. Maybe set a day, like once a week, where you don't see each other at all, just so that you do get space and you both have time for yourself. Good luck!
|
|
My girlfriend and I have problems,, she thinks that she's a lesbian,, I keep telling her that she can't be a lesbian if she hasn't done anything or have feelings for another girl... She wants to break up because of it and I don't know what to say to show her that she's not the lesbian type... I don't want to loose her,, what must I do??? (link)
|
You are an asshole.
Being a lesbian isn't about sex. It's about loving who you want to love, and yes, part of that is sex. But just because she isn't attracted to anyone does not mean she can't be gay. But whether you believe it or not, you aren't the issue. It's what she thinks, and it's about what she feels more comfortable with. I repeat: It's not about you.
You're gonna have to let her go. And you should be nice about it. Say, 'I understand that you are gay and I'm sorry I was such a dick about it. I want you to be happy, because I care about you a lot. I'm going to miss you.' Then let her say what she wants, and that's all, folks.
NOTE: Do not say any of that if you don't fucking mean it.
|
|
Hey, female, 18. Just moved into University about 4 days ago. There is a guy from my high school going here, in high school I thought he was so cute and we talked and all but I didn't think there was anything there especially because I was a nerd in the marching band and he was a star on the football team. Well, freshmen year, he was put in the same class as a close friend of mine and they had a nice little chat. She said he was happy that they chatted because she thought he was the biggest douschebag. So, we were texting and I told him that and that she's happy they chatted and he isn't a douschebag. He texted me back and said 'what the hell, i'm not a douschebag!' So, I just told him that he comes off as a little bit of one and he just replied back with "oh..." so I told him I didn't mean to offend him. We argued for a good 15 minutes eventually me getting to "well, most jocks are douschebags so it's okay, haha" just joking around and he said "I'm not the typical jock, (my name)" Like, he was trying so hard to prove to me (when I wasn't even the initial subject to our conversation even starting) that he wasn't a douschebag. He stopped texting me back after I told him that I never said he was mean, I just said he comes off as a little douscher. Now I don't know if he's mad, if I bruised his ego haha or if he does have feelings for me because he tried proving to me that he was a nice kid. I just don't know what to think about anything or even to what to say to him now. Help? (link)
|
Um, ok.
You know, you're kind of a jerk. Your friend told you something and you immediately told the person it was most likely to hurt. Then when he was offended by it, you boxed him into a category that probably doesn't completely fit him AND that he may resent(which you may have known had you taken the time to get to know him) and now you're upset because he stopped texting you when you did that? You need to grow the heck up, apologize TO HIS FACE, apologize to your friend for repeating what she says regardless of content, and then you can worry about him liking you. Honestly, though, he probably just wanted to be friends and then started acting like you were still in high school. I've said it once and I'll say it again. GROW UP.
|
|