|
Why would married man end our affair and then change his mind?
I am involved with a married man (or was, or is?). Last week we spent two days together. On the second day, he told me it was over. He couldn't see me again, he hated the fact he was cheating on his wife, and it was killing him inside. We held each other and cried and said our Goodbye's. I felt as if the world came crashing down on me. I told him how sorry I was that we got involved in something that was against both our morals. He said he wanted to remain friends but we had to stop our flirting, texts, and messages.
The weekend went by and I barely ate or slept. Today he calls me (we work for the same department, different locations) and tells me he's not sure he's done with me yet. That he just wants an extended break. Why did he change his mind?
Some back story (without going in too far). I am married also. We started out as friends, talking back and forth at work to resolve the same problems. We are both over forty, with children, he loves his wife, I am with my husband because I am too afraid to be on my own (not financially, just physically alone). This is both our first, on cheating on our spouses. I've done massive research on why people have affairs, what happens in an affair, how does an affair end. I know that women believe they're in love, when they are really not (thanks to hormones!) and for men it's a break from the obligations of married life.
My problem is, now I'm in it, blind and dumb, but we click on so many levels (more than just sex). Why didn't he just end it and be done, why do you think he changed his mind?
Before you reply to my question, I know I am wrong, I know he is wrong. We are two selfish individuals, I deserve this, we are going to hell, etc. Try to refrain from putting me down more than I already do.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Have you thought that maybe he did regret it but them realised he'd made a big mistake. Over 50 percent of men in current affairs end it and go back
maybe he enjoyed his time with you more than with his wife but yet again he could be thinking about diforcing his wife for you. You should have a long hard think about this and tell yourself is he worth it or does he just want you for sex, yes you7 might connect on many levels but guys have a good orah for lying. You should stop all contact with him for a few days and have a think when you have thought it through you should ask him if he really loves you, you can't love two girls at once.
]
The other advisors could be right or this could be a case of the grass looked greener in another Meadow until he tried the grass and found out it wasn't. It is really hard to tell. It does sound like he is keeping his options open to see where his appendage with the other head has the best fit, so to speak.
What I don't understand is how a beautiful person such as you. I'm talking about the inner beauty I can see from your writing allows herself to be used in such a manner. You deserve better than to sit home and wait to see if he comes by for a quick shag in the bedroom then home to the wife and kids for dinner and sleep with his wife.
You should have more self-respect then allow him or anyone else to use you in this manner. If this is the only way you see yourself as being loved and loving someone. Then I would suggest seeing someone to help you regain the self-respect you lost. A clinical psychologist would be one such person to speak with.
You do not need to be depressed or mentally ill to see a psychologist. They help with all types of problems. With the loss of self-respect through talk therapy they will help you find where you lost it and how to rebuild it. You need to go back to find where and how it was lost before it can be rebuilt.
]
He doesn't have any self control over his desires, much like you. Ultimately he's just using you to fill in the boring parts of his life. And he is taking advantage of his wife by living with her happily married, while she is not getting 100 % commitment from him. Seems like he doesn't care for you as much as his wife, because he's willing to break ties with you on a whim. He's not afraid to loose you, but I'm sure he'd hate to lose his wife over you. It seems that you are helping him with sexual pleasure..thing is you fell in love and he is not in love with you. You also must have some self esteem issues he's aware of for him to have the audacity to call you and say I don't think im done with you yet, as if you're an object. It's even worse you would except this treatment. I think you should see a therapist and get some things figured out about yourself. You must know your self worth. He only wants to "remain being friends" so he can wind you back in when ever he wants to have sex with you. He's just playing with your emotions..and he may or may not be aware of this himself if he has any self esteem issues.
]
So he realized he was treating both his wife, and you, like utter crap and just couldn't live with being that much of an asshole - for less than a week - then he decided that what the hell, he lived with it this long, why not a while longer.
See, in a normal relationship, I could tell you to just ask him why he changed his mind, but when it comes to an affair, there is no reason to believe he'd tell you the truth, and every reason to believe he'd tell you whatever he feels you want to hear. Your relationship is based on dishonesty to others - it's very, very unlikely that the two of you tell each other the whole truth.
So you can't know why he changed him mind, not really. You probably never will.
I think all your 'research' is hurting you, not helping you, at this point. You are using other people's stories and information as a way to escape from the personal reality of your life and choices. You should stop that.
Get your ass into therapy and talk about you. You have a problem and you know it. This guy is going to keep yanking you around until you figure out why you allow it - and you wont find that answer in a text book, in studies and data, or in generalizations. You will find that answer when you start to work on yourself.
]
As you said, you two click on various levels. From what I can tell, you are important to him. That being said, he also loves his wife and cares for his kids. He probably needs to step back for a moment and see if this relationship he has with you is worth risking any longer.
Your current situation is difficult. You seem to understand this, so I won't tell you what to do about things. If he chooses to end it, though, it's probably for the best.
I wish you and everyone involved the best of luck.
]
More Questions: |