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I feel like I overreacted to my boyfriends lies, and now I feel terrible...
A little background, my boyfriend and I are 24 and 25. A month ago he got his second DUI. He does not have the means to pay for a lawyer so I offered to help. I gave my card to him to give to the lawyer but I never signed anything allowing my permission and what not.
Anyway, today I find out my BF has lied to me for about the millionth time (my fault I suppose for sticking around). I became so livid and the first thing I could think to do was to text him and tell him I am canceling the payment to the lawyer. So, I e-mailed the lawyer and got the card canceled. I have calmed down a lot since and feel like the biggest bitch in the world for doing that. I feel that I overreacted and am looking for advice on how to fix it. Thought about emailing the lawyer explaining I just didn't want anything charged till I could read an agreement. I don't know what to do just feel bad for actually going through with it.
I understand my BF was in the wrong for lying but ultimately I could have reacted differently. Just need help please.
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It sounds like your boyfriend has put you though quite a bit with his lies. I wouldn't stress too much about how you reacted. It was a complete and fair human reaction. Don't feel guilty for canceling, when you were the one to offer him the help in the first place.
If you really do feel like you've overreacted, then try giving the lawyer a call and like you said, telling him you wanted to read an agreement or have knowledge in the process and what's going on before being charged. It's only fair that you understand what's going on too if you're going to be the one paying him.
I would not feel guilty or feel bad about how you handled this. It's sounds like you've been through a lot of stuff with him and have stuck by him this whole time.
All you did was reach a point where enough was enough. Hopefully this shows him how much you love him and how much you are willing to help him, all in return for honesty.
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Your boyfriend is constantly lying to you. Don't blame yourself for that. You had the right to be angry-heck you STILL have the right to be absolutely furious with this guy.
You can't trust him. He isn't honest with you in matters that directly pertain to you-in this instance, your finances. He has no right to touch any of your money without your express permission, and doing so is a HUGE violation of your boundaries. Treat it as such. Get angry, stay angry. You can't trust someone who refuses to tell the truth. He is not worth your time any more, and to be quite honest, you need to break it off with him. A cycle of hurt(caused by lying) followed by forgiveness and self-blaming is indicative of an abusive relationship, and the fact that he would use your money to pay for his lawyer is just plain problematic. Not to mention the fact that YOU are the one trying to apologize instead of HIM.
Get out of the relationship. You've dealt with enough of his lying.
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I think you're making excuses for his behavior. You clearly state that he has lied many times over and over. Why do you keep allowing this? I know you love him but when is enough?
I am glad you were able to cancel everything with the lawyer. From what you wrote it seems like you have a very good heart but you have to let him pay for his mistakes. I know it hurts to see him go through stuff but if you are always there for him, he won't ever learn the lessons.
Don't feel guilty girl, you didn't do anything wrong. If he gets mad, just think of all the times he has lied to you.
Hang in there and I'm here if you need anything.
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Thank goodness he's your boyfriend and not your husband it's not your responsibility to pay for lawyer fees to begin with. Please don't ever give your card to anyone again. Hes so young and already 2 dui's! You should really find someone more responsible who doesn't put the lives of himself and others at risk. I promise you this is just the beginning of a lifetime of shelling out money until you have nothing left. Trust me I've seen it time and again. Let this grown adult figure out his own way of paying his lawyer. He can get a job or two or three. You're not his Atm. Please stop while you're ahead. There is no such thing as overreacting when you are lied to. That's truly one of the worst feelings in the world.
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Biggest bitch in the world? I doubt it but I can think of other titles more appropriate, "enabler", "rescuer","his self proclaimed mommy", "glutton for punishment."
" If you keep coming through for him or ignore all the bad choices he makes, or how he treats you, then there is no reason for him to grow up.
Lying isn't the only thing, he's also driving under the influence. And I'll bet if I were there to observe him, I could come up with a long list of other things in a short while that show him to be an immature man. A night or two in jail cus he doesn't have the money to pay the bill is not going to hurt him and may be just the thing to help wake him up and begin to take charge of his life and start making better decisions.
You are asking for help? With what?
For getting mad?
For reacting out of anger?
For cancelling payment?
For feeling guilty?
I highly doubt you need anger management classes. Your patience is worn thin due to your circumstances. It takes something drastic to make us change. I should know. I was verbally abused all my 30 yrs married to 1st husband. It took me having a total breakdown in health and emotionally for me to finally wake up and put an end to it all by leaving him. I will say something about your offering your card and then canceling. While you may think you did a horrible thing, it actually turned out for the best cus you inadvertently did the right thing. Now if you can learn to do so purposely.
Or maybe you need help cus you feel guilty? Your guilt is misplaced dear. He is the one who should feel guilty for acting like a middle school kid, for treating you badly, etc....I am sure theres a long list of things that he could feel guilty about. Having a guilty feeling about what you did is only going to cause you to go back to bailing him out and enabling him. So don't feel guilty. You have to be tough on a person to cut them off so they have a chance to grow up.
Whats really scary is that he's 25 and its our mid twenties that the prefrontal cortex of our brains is done growing so we can finally become more mature and make adult decisions. Since it hasn't happened yet, he may be one of those few guys who typically doesnt mature until late 30s or age 40 or so. You want to wait around another 15 years to see if he grows up? You can maybe handle one month at a time. Can you handle more of the same or even worse behavior from him for the next year? Maybe. Another 5 years of the same old same old? Owww, thats hard. 10 years? Start to think of what that is going to be like, year after year taking care of him and getting treated badly in return. When I thought that way, I broke down crying because I knew the counselor was likely right, he might not ever get better mentally for the rest of his life. Some people change a little he said but counselling is better than not doing so. Could I handle it? No. In ways I was always handling the unexpected, bailing him out cus he couldnt handle things not going as he imagined in his mind. I had to pretty much do everything. I was his security blanket...like a little kid has...thats what the counselor figured out.
Your decision is not whether to call back and pay for his ticket, your decision is whether if you stay with him, that you are strong enough to tell him what the rules and boundaries are. You tell him if he makes bad choices, he is going to have to face the consequences alone, that you are no longer bailing him out. Tell him he is an adult and needs to begin making adult decisions like for one, not driving while intoxicated. You tell him that you deserve better treatment and have a list of all the things you no longer will accept as behavior from him towards you including the lie. And no, he doesnt get another warning later if he does. This is the warning. The next lie you catch him in, you will break it off with him. And do so. Dont give ultimatums you cants hold to. Its gets easier after you have left him.
Or, you can decide to tell him that this DUI was the last straw and break it off right now. Cus you really know, its a matter of time before he screws up again.
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