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The no contact rule.
Me and now ex, were together for 2 years. However, this past month we haven't been right, I wouldn't say we were even together, the amount of times we broke up in the month. A lot of arguing, I felt I was putting too much effort in and getting little back, I was the one chasing him after we broke up, begging to work things out and the way he were with me was clearly because I was putting effort in, so he felt he didn't need to as I put too much in. However, it's been 2 days since we last spoke, we had an argument and I told him I was going on a date and he told me to never text him again. I want to be in no contact as of today I would say, as I've been checking his profile so it doesn't count as no contact. I'm just wondering though, because I said I was going on a date, maybe he won't come back, he won't text/chase me because of that. I want to build my confidence and patience up, so I don't come off as needy anymore. I'm going to do 30 days of contact, but what happens if he never contacts me again? And what step do I take after the 30 days? Do I try with him after the period is over? My thoughts are luring in my head, I'm thinking if he does message me whilst I'm in no contact and I don't reply, he may think "forget her" and move on himself as I won't be replying. Has anyone got any experiences to share?
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I'm gonna be blunt-you need to break it off. Stop looking at his profile, don't check for messages, delete any messages you get. If you aren't getting back as good as you give and he isn't willing to talk to you about it, then you deserve better than that. I know it hurts to lose a relationship like that, but the most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. You don't seem happy with this boy anymore-your relationship has been going on and off for a month now, with a metric s***-ton of arguing and negativity. You don't need that.
Since i'm guessing there's no chance of you having a good friendship with this guy post-breakup, I recommend making a list of everything you dislike about him and being in a relationship with him. Cry, eat too much ice cream, watch 500 Days of Summer and The Breakfast Club and any other movies you want, talk to your friends, and completely wipe him out of your life. That's my advice.
Best of luck to you.
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If you want to be in a relationship then work on being in an honest mature relationship. A 30 day no contact rule is non productive in building a relationship. You are simply prolonging the inevitable. If the scenario and 30 day rule you just described is typical for you there's no wonder he is distancing himself from you. It sounds like you are playing games and adding drama to your relationship. You need to keep it simple. Tell him how you feel and what you are looking for in a relationship. Then you need to allow him to show you how he feels and open up on what he is looking for. If you are both on the same page then wonderful. Put forth a sincere effort to be understanding compromising and put your differences aside limiting the disagreements and arguments. However, if he continues avoiding you or becomes increasingly distant it's time for you to move on.
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I can't speak for him if he's doing things wrong in the relationship but from what you've said you've done...I already know you are doing some of the typical things that females do wrong when it comes to dating and relationships.
I will agree that a healthy relationship requires both partners putting in equal amounts of effort, actually it takes maximum effort to make a relationship, work...it doesnt just fall neatly into place.
Back to you. Here is what you confessed to:
1. I was the one chasing him after we broke up, this means you were the only one calling texting and showing up.
2. begging to work things out. Guys can't stand women who have no self confidence, gals who feel their lives are over if there's no guy in it. When you are so desperate that you'd beg him to come back, it actually sends the guy running in the opposite direction.
3. I told him I was going on a date. Oh this is a good one hahaha, trying to make him feel jealous so he'll 'come to his senses and realize he's about to lose you?" Whether the date was true or not, you were trying to bait him. If the date was not true. You are willing to go out of personality integrity and lie, in hopes lieing gets him to come back. He was probably overjoyed that you said you had a date...finally, now I can move on without her!!
4. Lying to yourself, even though you dont realize it yet. You said you want no contact with him. Then you felt the need to add and tell us, "I've been checking his profile so it doesn't count as no contact." You DO consider this to be some kind of contact or you wouldn't have tried to convince us. You girl are just lying to yourself.
5. You let your thought run wild and unruly rather than trying to rein them in. My thoughts are lurking in my head. You are too busy giving place to negative thoughts or dwelling on the what ifs. You allow negative thoughts to run rampant. One negative thought invites another who invites another and before you know it, you have an entire scenerio or storyline playing out in your head.
You said that "I want to build up my confidence and patience up." Its not lack of patience thats necessarily causing problems with the relationship. But it sure as heck is the lack of self confidence.
And you finally say "So I don't come off as needy." Hmm come to think of that, this would be another issue, point #6. You did not say,"I no longer want to be a needy person." Your choice of words tell a different story, come off as, means you intend to find a way to pretend to be confident, come off as being so when really down inside you are not. Thats presenting a false identity to someone. And I know many people who have tried this. Its takes a lot of personal energy to put out to keeping up a false image or identity, pretending you're a whole person rather than the real needy one inside. You eventually run out of energy and crack and the real you is showing and you are no longer able to pretend. This tactic is only a way to hold off the inevitable...and that is even if he was willing to get back with you. But it applies to any future guy you meet.
The few men who DO like needy women with little or no self confidence are the ones looking for a woman to control and abuse. I don't think you want that.
There are lots of helpful articles on the internet and lots of entertaining but equally helpful you tube videos on dating dos and donts and pretty much the same things that apply with a boyfriend apply to any relationaship, and your ability to interact social in a healthy way with family, friends co workers. Please let the poor guy go. You will need to take longer than 30 days to work on yourself to bring about change. 90 days as you were told is a good place to start but life is a learning experience. If you are open to learning and to correction, you'll find you are constantly learning something new every day of your life, in each new relationship, etc...
Good luck. Its not going to be easy for you. You have a lot of bad habits including lying to yourself. But just think, if you don't apply yourself and learn to REALLY change, then you will never find love. You may find a guy who abuses you, but not love. Its worth pushing yourself to do the hard things, work on yourself.
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What are you trying to achieve?
Are you really trying to be single for a while and work on yourself?
Are you just trying to make this easier on yourself by not Facebook stalking him?
Are you hoping to make him miss you or to get back together with him?
Before you decide what you should do, and how you should do it, you have to know what it is you are trying to achieve. It doesn't sound like you really know.
Frankly, if you are trying to take control of your life, and be a stronger person on your own, you aren't going to achieve that in 30 days. Any decent study or mental health professional will tell you it takes longer to make a substantial, lasting change to your habits and behaviour. The general time thrown out, is 90 days.
At 30 days, you'll almost definitely still be struggling to adjust to a him-free life. If you were just looking to get his attention in some way by ignoring him then that might be a good length of time, but if you are tying to change your habits, your behaviours and your life, it's not nearly long enough to do that.
So, you have to ask yourself:
Are you doing this trying to make him respond in a particular way? To get his attention or to cause him confusion? Because if you are, then it's just petty game-playing.
Or are you doing this because you really want to change your behaviour? If you are dedicated to breaking these patterns, you'll need more than 30 days. If you are doing this because you are really dedicated to change, then if he does contact you, you need to be direct and let him know that you aren't interested in having any contact with him for the foreseeable future, and that you'll let him know if and when you are.
If you want to change, you probably shouldn't get back together with him anyways.
If what you really want is just him back, then don't pretend it's really a No Contact Rule - all you are really trying to do is avoid the pain of thinking of him - instead try to think of what you can do to (respectfully and honestly) let him know what you want from him.
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