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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I hope you don't mind me coming to you for advice personally, but this is a question I really don't want just anyone answering and I feel you're the best person to answer it. I've read some of your advice before and I'd love to get advice from someone as kind and comforting as you are who also shares some of my beliefs as you do.

I saw a doctor on December 19 to check for a thyroid problem. Way back in 2015, I took my granddad to a doctor and about a week or so later, my mom took him back to the same doctor who told her he thought I had a thyroid problem. He really wasn't supposed to say anything about it as apparently there's some kind of rule against doctors giving medical advice to people who aren't patients. However, I guess it'd been weighing on him that he didn't say anything to me about it, so he told her and she's been nagging me ever since to get my thyroid checked. I honestly didn't think there was anything wrong with my thyroid, plus I'm a bit of a procrastinator, so I kept putting it off. Nearly five years later, I caved and finally saw a doctor about it.

The doctor felt my neck and much to my surprise, she said she thought my thyroid did feel enlarged, but also said it may have just been because my neck is so skinny. She had a lab tech draw some of my blood and then sent me home. When I mentioned to some people that I may have a thyroid problem, they made me feel so much better. The acted like I'd said I may have a cold. They treated it like nothing and said that if there was something wrong with my thyroid, I'd simply have to take a pill and once I did, I'd feel so much better.

The doctor called the first week of January and said I did not have a thyroid problem and my blood test looked fine. I was relieved and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Then Monday morning (it's technically Wednesday morning now), I was surprised and worried to get another call from the doctor and from CVS Pharmacy. I missed both calls, but when I called CVS back, they said I had a vitamin D3 prescription there. That didn't seem like anything to worry about, but when I called my doctor's office back, I got some much more distressing news. I spoke to the lab tech who took my blood. Apparently she had just noticed a couple of things in my blood test that she'd missed before. She let me know that my vitamin D3 levels were very low (hence the vitamin D3 prescription) and that she feared I had an autoimmune disease.

She said the doctor wanted to refer me to a rheumatologist to find out exactly what I have.
She asked if I'd be interested in her doing that right then and there. I knew I had to do whatever I had to do to take care of this issue, but I said I wasn't interested at that time. I have no health insurance. The museum I work for doesn't make enough money to provide it's employees with benefits and I'm too old to be on my parents' insurance. I'd had to pay for my December doctor's visit out of pocket and it cost an arm and a leg. I told the lab tech that I just wasn't sure how I'd pay for a visit to the rheumatologist, but another reason I didn't let her set up an appointment just then was because I was so shocked and scared to hear that I may have an autoimmune disease that I just wasn't ready to commit to facing it yet.

I started looking up autoimmune diseases I may have and there are some terrible ones like lupus, multiple sclerosis, and type 1 diabetes. I used to think I was safe from type 1 diabetes because I thought people with it were always diagnosed as kids and that the disease always came on very quickly. I thought I'd be in the hospital already if I'd been living with undiagnosed type 1 diabetes since December or earlier. But I recently found out that you can actually be diagnosed at any age and the disease can come on slowly.

Monday night, I told my mom what the lab tech had told me. My mom is usually calm and composed and typically fantastic at comforting me when I'm scared or worried about something, but even she seemed so scared that she was of no comfort to me. Not at first at least. After she got over the initial shock, she started saying that everything was gonna be okay and acted like everything was perfectly fine, but I wonder if she really believed that or if she was just trying to make me feel better.

My mom told me she'd pay for my rheumatologist visit and told me to go ahead and schedule it. I was supposed to do so yesterday, but I chickened out. I looked for any excuse not to, but I know I'm gonna have to do it very soon and I feel it'd be best to bite the bullet and do it today, but I'm scared. I don't know how I'm gonna get up the nerve to do it. I'm also scared though that I'm gonna chicken out again and I know I can't keep doing that.

There are just so many things I'm scared about and the fact that I may be sick is just one of them. Another is worrying what exactly I'm sick with. It could be something minor and treatable or it could be something very serious and incurable. I also worry about what I'll do if I need some kind of expensive treatment for whatever I have. I have no health insurance and it's harder than heck to get insurance when you have a serious preexisting condition. I'm not exactly poor, but I'm not far from it. I'm frequently broke and I have nothing very valuable that I can sell to get up money for treatment if I need it. My mom said that she and my dad would help me if I needed it and I know they would, but they're not exactly rich either. I have an uncle who's somewhat wealthy and another who owns his own business. She said she'd go to them for help if it came to that, but I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want anyone to have to give up their own hard earned money for me. I feel blessed because I know my parents and uncles would help if I needed them to, they'd insist on it if there was no other way, but I'd feel guilty if they had to do so. Also, I don't really want the whole world to know if I'm sick. I know I should tell my family, but I have an Aunt with a very big mouth who's likely to tell everyone. I want to keep this very private and if my aunt, who's married to my wealthy uncle, finds out, I might as well put if on the national news.

I'm terrified of getting my diagnosis at the rheumatologist. One reason I came to you is because you believe in God as do I. I keep telling myself that God is with me and that He'll take care of me, but that doesn't mean life will be all rainbows and puppy dogs. He does let us go through very tough times sometimes. I also keep telling myself that no matter what happens, at least I have the hope of going to Heaven after I die and never facing an illness or other tough time ever again. However, I think I might have a minor case of OCD and I frequently worry about if I really would go to Heaven if I were to get sick and die. I believe in Jesus, I know the Gospel, I've asked Jesus to forgive me for my sins and be my Lord and Savior, but I still worry about if I'm doing something wrong. I don't feel saved. I know they say that being saved doesn't require feeling saved, but there are times I don't feel like I exhibit fruits of the spirit as you're supposed to once you get saved and I know of people who believe in predestination. Personally, I never have believed in predestination, but it might explain why I don't always exhibit fruits of the spirit. I don't really believe this, but I have this gnawing concern that God doesn't want me. That He won't allow me to be saved. You probably think I'm crazy for thinking this way and I probably am, but it worries me either way.

What am I gonna do? Do you have any advice for getting through this? For facing my diagnosis or for my financial or spiritual situations? I'm really sorry this wound up being so long. I didn't mean for it to be, but I felt there was a lot I needed to tell you. If you can help me at all, I'd really appreciate it.

You did already go to a Dr a couple of times for blood work. Somehow you managed to get past your fears to do it no matter how scary. On the one hand you already know cost isn't a problem if family is wiling to help if need be. The other part of you is looking for excuses to not learn what is really wrong and thus says it doesn't want to be a burdon. If you've read some of my answers in the past, hopefully you've seen me explain how our subconscious mind (SM) comes into play here. I will share my own
example. My awake or conscious mind has pretty much never been at odds with my SM. I am one who talks to myself often. I believe that when we do, we are either unknowingly or consciously aware we are speaking to that other part of ourselves, our SM. This may not seem related to your issue but I will show how it is and is a separate issue from what you tend to suffer regarding faith. We'll get to that later.

I don't know if college psychology classes touch on it the way I see it but the way I see it and from reading books, have come to believe that it is important for a person to have both SM and awake mind working in harmony together. And the best way I've found, that has worked for me, is to imagine that my SM is like another person inside of me, with its own feelings and emotions on things, but at the same time, I've found my SM to be more like a child, call it your inner child which is a popular term but a wise child who continues to think two oppostie things, like adult understanding versus irrational child like fears. I found I had to listen to my SM and if it was fearful, talk to it in ways that would help with the fears so that we can both be on the same page about difficult things that need to be done. My favorite example is a fear I had of going to dentist. I speak to my SM and named it as one would name a pet or their car. I talk to it in my mind or out loud when no one is near. I told it I realized it was afraid of the dentist. I was talking now as if talking to my grade school children. I said that we still had to go to the dentist but there was no reason to be scared yet because that was tomorrow SMWhen tomorrow came, I said no reason to be scared as we haven't arrived at the building yet. Once there I backed it off to not being in the chair yet, to its only x-rays beings taken and then finally the time to be worked on and I promised my SM that I would arrange with the Dr. hand signals when I needed him to stop so I could spit or if I felt pain and needed more numbing. Those were the true fears which I realized came from my SM rather than my conscious mind.. What I actually did here was recognize my SM's fears and concerns and address them with my SM and since, no fear of going to the dentist. I could have given in to what my SM felt and totally avoided the dentist, or pushed through and gone to an appointment overriding the fears of my SM and then having to deal with panic, jitters, or something of that sort people face when pushing theirselves to go through with something their SM isn't quite on board with yet. As an adult, you realize the importance of knowing what may be wrong. Now being low on Vitamin D3 means you do not get enough through just foods and most people don't. In fact, 40% of people are deficiant and besides food, the only other ways to get the needed amount is through sun exposure which is often not enough, or taking D3 supplements. About 4 years ago, our Dr. told us that since we were getting older, we should start taking the supplements. The elderly are more prone to be deficiant as those who hardly ever go outside. Lupus is a disease where a person can not tolerate sun exposure and will be low on D3. But being low doesn't mean you have lupus. In fact, during my life of 61 years, I've only run into one person who had lupus so it doesn't seem to be a common illness to me like cancer or some heart disease.

We live in a world that seems to be fear driven. The media is responsible for this. We mistake the need of knowledge on things that could be dangerous for us with t of how possible it is to end up in the same situation another might be suffering from. Everthing seems to be fear based so its no wonder that is the first reaction of anyone, including you. I can show you how to not fall for it all. An example is the number of schools, primary through HS in our country versus amount of school shootings or even if a gun went off but no one injured. The number of schools is over 98,000/ and the amount of shootings in 2019 ifrom wikipedia is 44. Using an on line calculater to make sure there was no mistake, the 44 incidents were only 0.04 percent. That shows the chance a person has of been shot at or near a school and media tries to drum up fear and what precautions a person can take and shares each story from so many angles that you would think your chance of being shot at a school or any public place is more like 50/50 chance. While it is sad these things happen, the reality is, all you end up doing is running around like a chicken with its head chopped off, trying to do whatever to prevent ever getting shot. Yes, there are common sense things you can do in some situations but you can not do a single thing to make sure most things never ha imagine might happen.

A crazy thing about our SM's, is that whatever we focus our thoughts on most, it automatically thinks is important to us and even desired by us due to the amount of time invested in thoughts about it. Like a child, our SM doesn't recognize easily what is right or wrong and the difference between good and bad. So if we spend most our lives in fear of something, our SM will do whatever it can to make our thoughts come true. So if you focus all your thoughts day and night on what 'might ' be wrong with you, your SM may think that you want to be ill, that you in fact would enjoy it. In some feared situations, your SM can communicate to your conscious mind to take certain actions that might increase the chances for what you fear to actually happen. A good example I read once was a female fearing she will get raped, just because a rapist was loose in her city. Instead of making good decisions, she decides to do the very things that put her in a greater chance of it happening and it still may not. I am talking of parking in dark corners of a parking lot. Walking alone on deserted streets at night, walking day or night without taking note constantly of ones surroundings, leaving car and home unlocked, and so on. It still doesn't mean it will happen but your SM is not the enemy here, just acts immature in understanding some things.

Another thing I've learned about fear in my life is that the saying, “Take a leap of Faith” is a false saying that prevents so many from ever making a move. The needed Faith to face a fear is not going to be there until after you have gone through an experience and realized from your experience that there wasn't hardly anything worth being so afraid of. What we actually need to do is Take a Leap of Fear. Yes, you read that correctly, a leap of fear which means you are taking an action while feeling fearful. I can relate to that because once upon a time I had several social anxiety long before it was considered an illness needing medication. I prayed and asked God to help me get over it and become confident because as a senior in HS. I would soon be an adult in an adult world and wouldn't be able to do anything if so frozen by fear. God gave me little steps to keep doing until I got one done to where I no longer had fear. The first was just smiling at strangers and that terrified me. I can say I didn't wait until I felt faith even asking God what to do, nope . . . I felt lots of fear and anxiety in following the step I was given but I did it over and over until in about a weeks time, I felt no more fear and moved on to the next step in which again, I faced fear. God didn't tell me I lacked belief or trust in Him, nor mentioned lack of faith. He was patient as He always is, more concerned that I overcome the thing that was holding me back, rather than the fact I was afraid again after passing the first test and so on. I thought this was just what God thought best for me until I read a book at the library by a Psychologist turned author and Teacher, who mentioned what he did for patients with social anxiety using the CBT cognitive behavioral therapy appropriate for it, and was astonished to see that his recommendation was exactly what God had had me do to get over my fear. But I didn't until I took steps, even while fearful.

I have a feeling that is exactly what God is giving you, an opportunity to get in sync with your SM and also to overcome a fear. Fear is nothing more than something like a Puffer fish which blows itself up to many times its size to appear intimidating, when all it is , is a little fish. Fear too often does the same thing. What if you spent the rest of your life in fear every day of a mysterious illness killing you over night so you never get up the next day. I'd rather have the knowledge of what is exactly going on with me than live in fear of what might be, that is Might be wrong. I had such a medical experience recently. About 2 years ago, I begain to feel weird heart beats and it felt scary, it was real, obviously not normal compared to what I've known all my life. Unless adrenaline was going on, or your heart pounding from hard work, I never felt it beating and a lot and hard and fast. It was not constant but periodical until one day it had lasted an hour straight. I was sitting at my computer while hubby was on his. I quickly looked up reasons online for it possibly happening, since it occurred right after I ate. I looked up foods that might cause it, and then too much or too little of vitamins and minerals. I had a couple ideas. I do research not to cure myself but because I believe in preventative care for health and use of natural means if at all possible to treat an issue and I know regular medical c are not trained in this field, only Naturopaths and their equivalents who must learn the same as a regular Dr and then all the natural stuff on top of that. I then tell a Dr. whatever they need to know but don't think to ask and mention what I found on line and ask them if its something to check out. So in this, I am much like you, doing the research but research alone can't help. So hubby took me to Emergency which was a good move as prolonged fast heartbeat can cause death...I learned that off an Emergency room show. They found nothing wrong with me when hooked to an EKG. I was put on a heart monitor I wore day and night for almost a month, recording any times I felt something. The thing I noticed once paying attention, is it never happened when doing a workout at the gym, where you would think you'd feel something if there was a problem. I switched Drs and new Dr. couldn't figure it out. A whole year goes by without me knowing anything yet. The not knowing was more disconcerting than not, it was like being a like kid with that Jack in the box toy, cranking the handle, slower and slower because at one point the tune ended and the lid popped up with the clown inside popping out and it always startled me even though I knew it would happen, just not sure when. A year ago, I went into a walk in clinic, part of the medical chain I am with as it was a weekend. All records are connected between Hospitals and clinics on whatever you've ever been seen for. I mentioned what I was there for and he ordered a blood test. But then he said he saw that I had worn a heart monitor and there was no diagnosis yet for what had been going on with my heart. Then he asked if I felt it more while sitting, never while walking, while laying in bed before I sleep and so on. Everything he asked, I could answer yes to. It was as if he suffered the same thing and therefore knew exactly what it felt like. He was just a bit more experienced I guess. He told me I had PVC, not the pipe but Pre Ventricular contractions which is a fancy way to say my heart does an extra beat before the next beat sometimes so instead of a ' thump', its a 'thump thump' quick together which feels like the heart doing a flip. He says it perfectly harmless and in studies, it was found many people have it but don't realize it. College students were tested in a research group and all were found to have it yet none had ever felt it. As soon as I knew what I had and that it wasn't anything bad, I hardly ever felt it anymore because some of the worry of not knowing, made it so it didn't happen.

All of this so far is to let you know that it is best to go see a Dr. I would also ask for your blood test to be done over again. Mistakes can be made. If someone thought they originally missed something in yours, whats to say that when they looked again, they found something but maybe it was not your blood sample to begin with. Simple things like Pap smears for women have often said 'Positive” for a problem but when retaken and checked out, there was nothing wrong at all.

Now to address beliefs. At the end you said “I don't really believe this, but I have this gnawing concern that God doesn't want me. That He won't allow me to be saved. You probably think I'm crazy for thinking this way and I probably am, but it worries me either way. I'm gonna just jump in and say, now its time to address mental health. Don't worry, I am not saying you are crazy or need a psychiatrist. But there are parts of what goes under mental health that practically everyone does and it is not an official mental illness but has to do with our mind, more to the point, with our thoughts. The best way I can describe it is 'Stinking Thinking” as I've read some Psychologists refer to it as. Another way to call it is distorted thinking. No one is immune to do this but some people just laugh, reject it and replace with positive thoughts while others will dwell on thoughts that have no hold on reality, the thoughts are a combo of runaway emotions and wild imagination using incomplete information or false in formation to claim as the truth when it fact it usually isnt. You have the words from medical professionals that are fueling your imagination thinking mostly of the worst possible outcomes not any positive ones only based on what you have heard so far. Fear of the unknown is with you and both wild ideas and fear create any other emotions that are not positive. You do speak in a way that shows you have knowledge somewhat of what God is like when you speak of how being saved doesn't exempt you from having to go through rough things and hard times. In most cases, the hardship is so the one having to bear it has the opportunity to learn something that the soul was meant to learn. It is not the same for each soul. Just like no 2 students are exactly alike. So what you have to learn may not be what I had to learn, or maybe just one but Looking back, I know my biggest scariest test was to learn to really love myself which in my case meant removing myself from a toxic situation, not easy when its your job or a relationship. After I passed my test, I was tested with a similar situation for me to once again make the decision in my favor and thus knowing for sure that the first wasn't a fluke, that I had truly learned this lesson.

I still worry about if I'm doing something wrong. Those are your words. And I have to say that your worries of not being good enough for Jesus are actually distorted thoughts. I know they feel real to you and they are, they just are not true. I have heard often enough of new believers who assume that the moment they become a Christian, that like waving a magic wand, God instantly changes you into a perfect soul, perfect like him, never making any more mistakes, doing and saying the right things and being sure of their relationship with Jesus. People end up believing they need to be perfect to go to heaven. Heck no, from what I've read of people who died and were revived, what they'd seen of Heaven seems to state that a soul continues to learn and I am sure there are classes of some sort in Heaven. I have read a book that says its possible that God, loving us even when we are sinful is not able to decide to let one in and not let another enter. That the gates of Heaven are open to all who wish to go there. It says that it is possible that a person feeling they don't deserve to enter actually chooses to go to Hell and that God is too Loving to have come up with a punishment like Hell. Historically, concepts of Hell only came about as Christianity spread into the world so one could look at Hell as man made simply by the many minds that collectively believe it exists and created it. I have heard too people who died and went first to Hell and it didn't take long for them to call upon Jesus for help. They said an Angel reached in and grabbed their hand and took them out of this place called Hell and said it was the Angel of Life and was taking them to Heaven now. So apparently the Angel of Death which we presume reigns over Hell is not the case. No angel wishes a soul to stay there longer than it takes to realize they should call God for help. They were much like you, believing in God but under the false belief that you had to qualify to be saved and enter Heaven. God loves us unconditionally. That means he doesnt have conditions for you to meet, rules that you have to pass to become a card carrying member of Heaven.. I can't tell you much that will help but what you feel or don't feel isn't anything bad and nothing God would be concerned about. What matters most is a personal relationship with Jesus. Thats hard for us while in these mortal bodies as we can't see and touch God as we do people. I believe God knows and He is willing to go at our pace and what we are ready to do next. There was a time God warned me ahead of something major He would reveal for me to do but if He told me right now, that I would think I had heard from the devil . I think He said that because He knew I would react unwillingly. A year later when I learned what God wanted me to do I was so upset I actually stomped my feet in frustration because I knew in my gut that God knew I was ready to take it on and as I learned, I was I would suggest practicing talking to God. I don't say pray because it instantly whips up an image of a pious looking person chanting words with head bowed and eyes closed. Prayer is nothing more than conversation with God.. We can learn to hear from God but that part of our brain that is in need of exercise before being strong enough to pull in the signal, like a radio. We send words his way and when we d on't hear anything, assuming He never answered. He did but in the beginning we are like off station if talking radios again. So we can't hear the words being said back. I have gone through periods in life where I have heard clearly all the time to not hearing as often and its not God fault. I am responsible for not taking time to approach Him and talk to him. He always has time for us and wants time with us. But I guess I am like everyone else and find it too easy to get wrapped up with or distracted by tangible things of Life. Godd will never say, Why did it take you so long to start talking to me. And he will never say, I don't want to listen to you but you should have done better. These kinds of thoughts are distorted. Jesus has shown me in personal experiences that He is interested in the small details of my life. Love to tell me encoraging positive stuff, never has any negative to say to me and thats not bwecause I am perfect but is part of who he is. I've also discovered God has a great sense of Humor in other situations in life. He is not high up on a throne though one belongs to Him but he's right here in the trenches with us, concerned about the things we f ear, how we deal with things, and understanding how hard it is for us. He once inhabited a human body and knows exactly what all the human feelings are that our emotions bring on. So you are loved by God exactly as you are. When you mess up and realize it, you can say sorry to God but its better if you work with Him, asking if there is anything you can do, to do better next. I will use Paper grading as an example. We all want 100 on our papers. We want 100 even without time spent learning or finding out how to learn those things that are hard for us. Thats us wanting to be at 100 meaning able to enter Heaven. We think that maybe we thought about God only half the time or less so we are at 40 out of the 100 we think we need to be.
Do we have to be in perfect health to enter a Hospital.? No, hospitals are for those sick, injured, having pain, etc Neither is church a place you can go only if you are doing 100 on all the things one assumes a Christian would exhibit such as the fruits of the spirit. There are 9 fruits of the Spirit and I dont think anyone has done all of them perfectly at the same time. For some learning how to handle just one of them is challenge enough and goes always at the students pace/souls pace so it can take a short while or can take years, depending on how the person learns. Is God going to be Angry if we only nailed done 4 of the fruits of the Spirits in our lifet ime? No. The fact we are willing to improve ourselves is a great thing, something God I am sure is proud of. Why proud? I am a parent. Thought now adults, my kids when young and still learning, did so at their own pace not exactly like their siblings. I wanted them to perfect one thing. . .not ten all at once. It was more important they have a good learning experience and once mastered, something like tieing a shoe, I would feel so proud of them. It didn't matter how long it took or how many times they did it w rong, just the fact they finally did... yeah,...thats what my Heavenly Fat her is like, he is cheering me, telling me He is pleased with me. I hope this all helps you feel better regarding your faith too. Best wishes.

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(Rating: 5) Thank you so much for your advice. I'm very sorry it took me so long to get back to you, but I thought I'd take a little time to try some of your advice out and let you know how it was going. I've been working on talking with my SM and overcoming my fears the way you have with yours and I thinks it's going well. I'm already feeling better. I called the doctor's office back and they're in the process of getting me an appointment with a rheumatologist. Thank you again for everything, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
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