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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I hope you don't mind me asking you personally for help like this, but I chose you because I've read some of your advice and I really think you're the best person to help me with my problem. If you can, I'd appreciate more than you know.

My grandfather died yesterday (Saturday, December 1st) and I don't seem to be dealing with it like I thought I would. My maternal grandparents were not typical grandparents by any means. They lived in my hometown and I got to see them everyday. They were like another set of parents to me, but at the same time, they still spoiled me and my sister rotten like regular grandparents. We never left their place empty handed. They always had some kind of candy, ice cream, or baked goods for us (my grandma was the best baker ever). And when they didn't have anything like that, they'd just give us money. I knew I could always count on them for anything. They did a lot for me and my family and would never let us pay them back for any of it.

You have no idea how many memories I have at my grandparents house. I loved going over there so much for meals, sleepovers (as a kid), holiday get togethers, or just to hang out. And nobody was ever happier to see me than my grandparents were. Aside from the house I grew up in, it's my favorite place in the world.

As great as they were, I always took my grandparents for granted. I knew there'd be a day when they weren't around anymore, but I didn't think that day would come for years after it did. My grandmother was diagnosed with leukemia in April 2008. From May 2006 when I graduated high school and on, my grandma would call me every so often and tell me to come see her when I could. I went to a university in my hometown, so I was still in town, but always busy with class, studying, friends, and from sophomore year on, a rather serious boyfriend. I wasn't so busy that I couldn't make time for my grandparents, but it just kept slipping my mind every time I had some free time. After my grandma's cancer diagnosis, I did start spending more time with her, but after she went into remission, I started taking my time with her for granted again and still didn't see her as much as I should have. I assumed that because she was in remission, it meant she was gonna be okay and I didn't have to worry about losing her soon. I was wrong.

In October 2008, six months after her diagnosis, my grandma died from complications of the leukemia and chemotherapy. Both leukemia and chemo can wreak havoc on your immune system and elderly people's immune systems don't recover from that like a younger person's would. In her last week of life, she fell ill with something that we don't even know what it was. I developed a cold around the time she died so it might've just been a simple cold or some other bug that almost anyone else would've bounced right back from, but because she had practically no immune system, she died from it. I cried and cried and cried when my grandmother died. I cried when I first learned she had died, I cried at her memorial service, I cried the first Christmas Eve and Christmas Day after she'd passed, and I cried every time something reminded me of her and of the fact that she was never coming back. Yet so far, I haven't cried for my grandfather. That's one of the reasons I'm here.

Losing my grandmother was horrible and I'll never stop wishing she was still with us, but it led to me having a much closer relationship with my granddad. He and I were already close, but he wasn't much of a talker, so my grandma and I tended to pay more attention to each other than to him when we were together. After she passed away though, my granddad needed a lot of help and my mom and I started taking care of him. He couldn't cook, so my mom would cook him dinner every night and she and I would go over to his place to eat it with him. We did that EVERY night. We would go to IHOP with him every Sunday and have breakfast for lunch like he used to with my grandma (we all loved eating breakfast food late in the day). We'd take him to doctors appointments or anywhere else he needed to go that he couldn't go alone for some reason. In the past year, he stopped driving, but still really wanted to get out of the house, so everyday, my mom and/or I would go pick him up and take him for some ice cream. When it started getting cold here back in October, he started asking to go for hot chocolate and a cinnamon roll at my favorite coffee shop. Because of all of this, I became a lot closer to my granddad than I'd ever been before. We had ten years of nightly dinners, weekly trips to IHOP, occasional doctors visits or other outings together, and over the past year, daily trips to the ice cream parlor or coffee shop.

You'd think after what happened to my grandma, I'd have learned better than to take my time with loved ones, especially ones who are elderly, for granted, but I didn't. I still assumed my granddad would be around for a while longer anyway. Why I would think such a thing is beyond me. He was 86, had congestive heart failure, emphysema, kidney disease, a number of other health problems and had smoked for around 60-65 years. About a year ago, he mentioned to his doctor that he loved ice cream and his doctor told him that he could have as much ice cream as he wanted. That should've been a red flag to me. No doctor tells someone something like that unless they know there's a reason the ice cream won't cause any problems. The doctor knew my granddad wouldn't be around long enough for the ice cream to cause problems, so he figured he might as well have as much as would make him happy.

On November 13, my mom and I went to my granddad's house for dinner as usual and he wasn't feeling well. He was on oxygen for nearly the last four years and he said that he felt his oxygen machine wasn't working well enough. My mom examined it and concluded that it was working perfectly fine. The machine wasn't the problem, something else was going on. He had this little electronic thing that went on his finger and would tell him his blood oxygen level. My mom got it out and it said my granddad's blood oxygen was way too low. My mom tried to make him go to the ER, but he was kind of stubborn and refused to go. He said he go the next morning if he didn't feel better. My mom was extremely worried about him that night and had me pray with her that we'd have him for a while longer. The next day, he called an ambulance for himself and was put in the hospital with double pneumonia.

I don't know if I'm stupid or just overly optimistic, but just like with my grandma's cancer, I didn't worry too much about my granddad's pneumonia. He'd survived all kinds of things in the past that no one thought he would and pneumonia didn't sound like anything that horribly serious, so although I was somewhat worried, I was confident that he'd be okay. I think a lot of it was wishful thinking. I didn't want him to die, especially during this time of year, so I told myself that he probably wouldn't.

We knew by the weekend after he went into the hospital that he'd be there over Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was very different this year than it typically is. My sister and nephew came to town to spend it with us and the day they got here, which was Tuesday, my dad broke it to us that my granddad's doctor had said that he wasn't gonna live much longer at all. My sister and I kept getting mixed reports from our parents for about a week. Our dad said that Tuesday, but then the next day, my mom gets on the phone with her friend and says that things are looking up, his doctor was optimistic that things were gonna be alright, and that she wasn't too worried anymore. Thanksgiving day, I get up and my sister let's me know that my granddad's doctors were just gonna focus on "keeping him comfortable." That's another way of saying that this was the end and my granddad didn't have much time left. My dad, sister, and nephew then went to have Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family while I stayed behind to take care of my mom and granddad. My mom stayed in bed for much of the day except when she and I went to the hospital. She was extremely depressed that day, but the next day, she was back to her old self again. She kept going into denial and telling herself that things could still be okay.

It wasn't until Thursday night (a week after Thanksgiving to be clear) that I felt my mom had finally acknowledged that my granddad didn't have much time left. Every night from Tuesday to Friday, my mom stayed overnight at the hospital with him. I'd go up there in the evenings, bring my mom some dinner, and spend time with them. The last time my granddad was awake and alert while I was there was the day after Thanksgiving. For a full week after that, he was so heavily medicated that he was always asleep.

Friday night, while leaving the hospital, I looked at my granddad as I was pulling the door to his room closed, knowing that it might be the last time I saw him, but not really thinking it would be. I left him and my mom to go home to my parents' place (yes, I still live with my parents. Please don't judge me. I've had some bad luck lately). I'm a total night owl, so at around 3:00 AM Saturday morning, I was up watching Netflix in the living room when I heard someone trying to open the front door. It scared me to death until I realized it was my mom. She walked in and when I asked her what she was doing there, she got a heartbroken look on her face and said in a heartbroken voice, "We lost him." I gave her a hug and told her I was so sorry, which I was, but other than concern for my mom, I didn't feel much at that time. When I learned that my grandma had died, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus, but learning of my granddad's death was not nearly so harsh and I don't know why.

My mom then went to wake up my dad and tell him the bad news. They both came in the living room and none of us seemed to be taking the news like I'd have thought we would. An episode of "The Office" was still playing on Netflix and we all laughed at it. My mom made herself a snack, my dad went back to bed after a few minutes, I had some candy and soda and watched more of "The Office" before going to bed. We all seemed to be okay. We weren't great. We were sadder than I'm making us sound, but we weren't just crushed. I know the news of my granddad's death hadn't set in yet, but still, that was NOT how I thought it'd be on the night of his death.

Saturday (yesterday) was a decent day at my house all things considered. I slept late that day, had lunch, watched my favorite Christmas movie, "Elf," and went to Walmart with my mom. I had Chili's for dinner and cookies for dessert. I was too sad to eat much the day my grandma died, so pigging out like I did yesterday was not something I'd have thought I'd do. Things were going a lot better than I'd thought they would. Today (Sunday) was pretty much the same for the most part. However, my mom and I went grocery shopping tonight and both finally started to exhibit some real sadness.

Every Sunday, my mom and I go grocery shopping, go to Subway to pick up dinner for ourselves and my granddad, then take it over to his house. On our way to the store, my mom noted something I myself have been thinking, which was that it's going to be awfully strange not going to my granddad's house every night for dinner anymore. She said in a very depressed voice that she wished we could've had him longer and I didn't know what to say except, "I know," but I still didn't feel much. At the store, my mom and I separated and I went to get myself some laughing cow cheese. While doing so, I spotted some cheddar cheese in the shape of a half circle with red wax around the edges. I got upset started tearing up because my granddad loved that cheese. He asked us to pick it up for him all the time, but we weren't able to find it for him much in the last months of his life. Later, I went to get myself some ice cream, which I love, but I'll never be able to eat again without thinking of my granddad as he loved it more than anyone.

As I've been writing this, the fact that my granddad is gone has started to set in more and I've started feeling a lot more sadness. I'm starting to realize how many little things are gonna remind me of my granddad. For example, while my nephew was here for Thanksgiving, my parents and I took him to see the new Grinch movie. Ever since then, Benedict Cumberbatch has been on my mind, which makes me think of the first movie of his that I saw after becoming one of his fans, *August Osage County.” In January 2014, my granddad fell and hit his head so hard that blood built up inside of his skull around his brain. A week later, when the blood hadn't drained on it's own, he had to go into the hospital and had surgery several days later to drain it. On the night he went to the ER, he was airlifted from the hospital in our hometown to one about an hour away. That happened on a Saturday night and my mom and I packed some bags, went to the city my granddad had been airlifted to, and got a hotel room there for the weekend. On Sunday afternoon, while my granddad was napping, my mom and I got some lunch and then went to see “August Osage County.” so thinking about that movie, or “The Grinch,” or Benedict Cumberbatch will probably always make me think of my granddad. Also, last night I watched some movie with Michael McKean in it. That made me think of being in the hospital visiting my granddad last Thursday night and learning from my mom about McKean's character on Laverne & Shirley, a show I sometimes watched as a kid at my grandparents house. Seeing that movie last night was another reminder of, not just my granddad, but my grandma as well. I'm to a point now where I can remember my grandma without feeling sadness, or at least I was. But now for some reason, I'm feeling very sad that I don't have either of my maternal grandparents anymore. They're both gone and out of my life permanently. They won't be at my wedding, they'll never meet my children, they'll miss out on a lot of big events in my life. Also, the new Mary Poppins movie coming out brings back memories of watching Mary Poppins at my grandparents house. There are reminders of my granddad EVERYWHERE.

My mom's right, it's going to be awfully strange not going to my granddad's house every night anymore. That'll take a lot of getting used to, but it's just the beginning. We'll never take another Sunday trip to IHOP with him, we'll never spend another Thanksgiving or Christmas with him, we'll never spend another birthday with him (his or ours), my mom will never have a father to celebrate father's day with again. When we lost my grandma, there were some things my family had to take care of, but a lot we could put of as well. Now that my granddad's gone too, were gonna have to deal with EVERYTHING. Were gonna have to clean out their house and do something with all of their stuff. We're gonna have to do something their ashes as my granddad's had my grandma's up until now, but now someone else is gonna have to take his as well as hers or we're gonna have to spread them somewhere. We'll have to sell their house, which will be very hard, especially since it's a duplex and my granddad literally just got a new renter. There's a lot we'll have to take care of now. You'd think that all of this would make me sadder than I am now, but it doesn't.

I keep having all of these selfish thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person just for being able to think about them, but I have them anyway. For example, I worry about Christmas. My sister is supposed to spend this Christmas with her in laws, so it'll be just me and my parents. I worry that my mom won't be up to celebrating much and whether she is or not, Christmas will be extremely hard without my granddad, especially since he just died. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love the religious aspect (Jesus's birthday), I love the festivities, the decorations, my family's and my traditions, the food, Christmas movies, everything. But I'm having a hard time getting pumped for Christmas now like I usually do. When my nephew was in town for Thanksgiving, my parents and I took him to see the new Grinch movie. I feel about like the Grinch in the way that I'm not that nuts about the thought of Christmas right now and seeing Christmas stuff everywhere saddens me. I am still a little excited, but only because I'm making myself try to be so, not because it's happening naturally as it usually does. I used to start looking forward to Christmas in August and would start decorating in November. But last night, I go Sonic to get myself some dinner and as I'm pulling into one of the spots, I heard a Christmas carol playing. It was one of my favorites, “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” Typically, this would have delighted me, but last night, I actually almost rolled my eyes at the song because I'm turning into such a scrooge about Christmas. It's not that I don't like Christmas anymore, I'm just really worried about it. I really, really wish we did not have to lose my granddad during this time of year.

I worry about Thanksgiving since it was the day it was confirmed that my granddad wouldn't live much longer. My sister doesn't even want to celebrate it next year and I didn't get to celebrate it this year. I ate a peanut butter sandwich for lunch and chicken strips for dinner. I spent the day cleaning house so my mom wouldn't have to and visiting my terminally ill grandfather in the hospital.

Mainly, I worry what will happen to my family now that my granddad is gone. I used to be really close with my uncles, one of my aunts, and all of my cousins on my mom's side of the family. However, lately my granddad's been the glue that's held us all together. My Uncle Mark is married to a horrible woman who hates my family and keeps Uncle Mark from us. Once in a blue moon though, she'd let him come see my granddad or he'd sneak away and go see him behind her back. But that wouldn't happen often and I really don't think it'll happen at all anymore now that my granddad's gone. I don't think Uncle Mark's wife would let him come see the rest of us and I don't think he'd go behind her back and sneak away just to see the rest of us either.

As for my other uncle, Jim, he's also married to a horrible woman, my Aunt Laura. Aunt Laura actually used to be wonderful, but she's always been very competitive and lately, she's been losing her own competitions, which has made her very bitter. She wants her two kids, Alex and Alyssa to be better than me and my sister in every way and they're not. When my sister or I outshine either of my cousins in any way, Aunt Laura gets mad and feels the need to tear us down and still try to make her kids seem better, which makes us and our mom very angry. She's also resentful because my mom became a grandmother before she did and she didn't want that to happen. In my granddad's last few years, my parents and I would take trips to go see my sister and nephew and would ask my Uncle Jim to come take care of my granddad while we were gone. Uncle Jim INSISTED that we do this and that he didn't mind. If we ever accidentally ruined some of Aunt Laura's plans by doing this, even if she could reschedule or if her plans weren't that important in the first place, she'd send my mom some bitch text message and insult her, call her terrible names, and hurt her feelings very badly. This would make me, my dad, and sister very angry and has ruined our relationship with Aunt Laura. There have been a few other things that have led us to have a bad relationship with Aunt Laura, but they'd all take too long to get into. The point is that I'm worried about what's gonna happen to me family now that our glue is gone, so to speak. Uncle Jim won't come around as much, Uncle Mark might not come around at all, and once my granddad's memorial service is over, I don't know when will be the next time I'll see Alex and Alyssa. Uncle Mark's daughters, Anna and Lauren are different. They're more family oriented and we have a much closer relationship with them, but I really don't know about everyone else.

I keep thinking about what my granddad's like now. One of the reasons I chose you to answer this question is because you're a Christian like me, so you can understand this. My granddad was not in good health in his last couple decades of life, ESPECIALLY after my grandma died. He had congestive heart failure, COPD, kidney disease, neuropathy, severe hearing loss, macular degeneration, stomach and intestinal problems, brittle bones, mobility issues, and mild dementia. He suffered some kind of damage to his inner ear as a kid which caused progressive hearing loss throughout his life and was practically deaf by the time he died. It also caused him to have balance issues. I remember when he could walk as well as anyone else without any help, but by the time my grandma died, he needed a cane, then two canes, then a walker, then got to where he couldn't walk more than maybe 30 feet even with a walker. Someone had to push him in a wheelchair. He's been on oxygen therapy for the past four years and has had the burden of being attached to an oxygen machine at all times. He had a portable oxygen machine, allowing him to leave the house, but he was always worried about the battery dying. Like all elderly people, he also suffered from loss of muscle mass, which he hated. He'd get frustrated not being able to pick things up or open things anymore that used to be no problem for him because he was too weak. He couldn't even open his own Dr. Pepper bottles anymore in his last ten or so years because he was so weak. He's not like that anymore. He's in Heaven now with a perfect body and will never suffer health problems again. All of his many health issues are gone. He can hear, he can see, he can walk, he can breathe, he's not dependant on a walker or tethered to an oxygen machine anymore, he'll never be sick again, he'll never be precluded from doing something again due to lack of good health or strength, he'll never have any of the problems he had here on Earth ever again. But as hard as I'm trying to rejoice about that, it doesn't help with the pain of his death.

It's eerie now thinking about all of my grandfather's lasts that we didn't know would be a last for him. It's eerie thinking about how clueless I was that his last birthday or his last Christmas or his last this or that would be his last. I was clueless the night of November 13th that that night was the last time my mom and I would have dinner with him at his place. I was clueless back in August when he and I had our last weekend together just the two of us while my parents went to visit my sister and nephew. Last summer my sister was here and made a comment about how every time she comes home, she's afraid it'll be the last time she'll see my granddad. At the time, I thought she'd have plenty more visits with him. Little did I know that during that trip, my sister would visit my granddad at his house for the last time. She saw him in the hospital over Thanksgiving, but she'd never be with him at his house ever again.

None of his lasts were that great. Christmas was good, but not that special, his birthday was nice, but not the best he'd ever had, and he spent his last Thanksgiving in the hospital. I feel bad because all of my grandma's lasts were spectacular, even though we didn't know at the time that they would be a last for her. If any particular special day over this past year wasn't special enough, we just had the, “We'll make it better next year” attitude about it, but for my granddad, next year wouldn't come.

The last thing that I want to mention is the fact that I have regrets. I regret not being a better granddaughter, I regret not telling my granddad how I felt about him before he died, and I regret not thanking him for being such a wonderful granddad. I regret not doing these things for my grandma as well. That's going to be hard to live with.

I'm really sorry for how long this has turned out to be. I've been writing on and off for a full day now as I guess I had more to get off of my chest than I thought, but I'd really appreciate any advice you might have for me. Thanks in advance for any help and God Bless.

Oh Honey, thank you so much for taking the time to share and vent in this letter. It was long but about half way through, I already realized that this writing was in a way some kind of help or healing for you, to get it off your chest. I am much older, 60, but did not grow up with grandparents (they lived in another country) so my experiences are with losing my parents when I was 37 for my Moms passing, and I was 43 when Dad passed. With Mom, it was cancer and she was given 6 months to live but lived for many more years. She fought it hard and had a will to live rather than give up. So even though she had cancer and was going to die from it, we could do some minor grieving along the way. With her diagnosis, we knew it was coming, like you knew with your Grandma's leukemia. This will affect the grieving process. I was already thinking that any time could be the turn for the worse and her death, so although I did not live life with her as one big thought of 'This could be her last ... whatever", we did enjoy life to the fullest together along with my siblings and Dad who was divorced from Mom but still a friend. Towards the end with last chemo treatment, she was sitting awake but staring ahead as if asleep. A good amount of brain cells were killed so she couldn't talk well and in this case wasn't talking at all. I remember stroking her forehead and seeing her flinch at the touch. Apparently she wasn't able to see, just hear. My sister told her of another sister who just found out she was pregnant so Mom was going to be a grandma again. We told her. NO response from her, not until a few days to a week later when she was able to be alert, see and talk again. And this is when she mentioned how excited she was about the other sister having another baby.That happened in July. And then one Sunday last one in August, I took the kids and our dog to the beach after church, it was very hot still. Then straight from the beach we went to my younger sister who had a bedroom in her apt set up as a hospital room and got visiting hospice nurses all the time. It was just family when we arrived. It was supposed to be just a visit but I think God or my angels were telling me I had to talk to her about passing over. That made me know it would be soon. She hadn't gone to church the last 30 years but was a believer as far as I knew. I reminded her about the special mansion Jesus says he has for each one of us. I told her how it hurts to see her suffer while she keeps hanging in there. I knew that my youngest sister with a personality type of touchy-feely, would never be ready to let Mom go and I knew Mom was doing all she could to hang around because she was worried for my youngest sister who was not married. I told Mom that it was okay to go, that sis would be okay, that she already knew how my sister takes everything hard or very emotionally but eventually comes to even ground again. My sis sat up till the wee hours with Mom every night at that time, worried Mom might need something. I got a call from sis, the Wed. after I talked to Mom on Sunday. She had passed sometime in the wee hours of the morning, just after my sister said she had to get some sleep. I believe Mom held in there and did not die until she knew my sister wasn't around to see it happen. I also believe she had peace and agreed that she was done with fighting it and truly had no real life anymore, always on pain meds, couldn't eat, just those energy shakes for older people, most of time was spent in hospital bed. She no longer had any quality of life anymore. My Dad died of a stroke. He'd had heart surgery many years before and recovered well and his Dr. had no concerns. So the first stroke put him in hospital and then a rehab place to help him learn to eat and move hand and talk a bit more. He was doing okay but had a series of mini strokes. His time was strokes wasn't as long as Mom's living with cancer and the harsh treatments.
So I and sisters put together Memorials for Mom and later for Dad. Both were very different. At Moms, I cried all the time and was exhausted after days of the raw emotions draining all my energy. This I relate to how you felt with Grandma's passing. With Dad, I think my sisters and I already had the shock to our bodies of dealing with one death in the past so this one wasn't as significant in how we felt. Yes, we were sad and get this, from my teens on, I was closer to Dad than Mom. And yet, I did not cry as much. Grieving is different for every person. And for a person, each death they go through, they may handle differently, and there is nothing wrong with that. What you did, getting all your story off your chest talking to me, reminds me of what I was doing at my Dad memorial. It was held at the church I attended as I knew more of the people attending would be from there than where Dad attended church. People kept coming to me to say how sorry they were. I said thanks and then launched into sharing thoughts about Dad, stories, on and on, I did more talking at that one event than I normally do in any day and I am very talkative normally. I realized I was doing it and something told me it was good, that I needed to do so, quite like you. The only thing I can't say I went through is feeling like taking the loved one for granted while they were still alive.

Although, we knew cancer doesn't end well, especially if its the pancreas and liver, or that Dad was continueing to have strokes, we did not spend our time with each parent thinking about how it might be the last time or having regrets for what we did not do as great as we could have. We chose to spend our time simply enjoying quality time with them. It's been a long time now for me since losing my parents and I have lived longer so far than my Mom did. But that doesn't mean I don't think of her. She was the second hand store shopping Queen and could find the best of anything in there easier than any of us. So when I go, I'll talk to Mom's spirit and say, Mom you were always so good at shopping these stores. Right now I need to find something for my granddaughter, could you help me find ...." and so it goes. I have not really heard back from Mom or Dad while talking to them. I am talking of those thoughts in your mind that sounds like your voice but you know you didn't think it. In church, there was plenty of training on how to trust Holy Spirit to help you begin to actually hear God talking to you. I think having this ability had helped a lot. I have heard God talk to me plenty of times, my angels too. An example would be when a new Christian song came on the christian radio station, I was getting on the freeway one morning and heard it. I tend to talk to myself so aloud I said, "That song doesn't do anything for me." Immediately in my head I heard, "It doesn't do anything for me either dear." I knew that to be God and I found it so funny that I laughed all the way to work. So I know God has a sense of humor. He doesn't speak in King James and understands todays slang and vernacular and can be funny at times. So I think my relationship withGod, and my belief is what helps me with losing people I wish I could have had with me longer. But then I think that our mortal lifetime is a short and our time in Heaven will be eternity, so there is no comparison. What ever time I did not have with them on earth, I will get that and more in Heaven. I have read enough stories of Christians who died but came back in the hospital. While their heart was stopped for a minute, it felt to them like they spend hours on the other side with Jesus, dead relatives who said it wasn't their time yet. My own sister is diabetic and almost died from blood sugar too high. In fact, while in the hospital, a man stood in the doorway to her room. Looked solid to her, dressed in a suit but he said he was our grandfather, my Dads dad whom we never got to meet as children as he was already dead.
Our loved ones keep tabs on us all the time. Sometimes I think Mom has been around stroking my hair because it feels like something touching my head and after a couple of times of brushing with my hand in case a fly or something is landing on me, I get a mental picture of Mom, just stroking my hair, not saying a word. That story churches spread about loved ones not being able to keep in touch with living relatives is a bunch of misunderstood and twisted tales. There are way more people I have talked to who died and came back plus the books I've read of people for whom it happened, to know that yes, while there may be evil in the world, we as Gods children are protected and can ask for his protection, and call on our Guardian angels anytime if we are not sure that something that we think we hear or feel is truly them or something else. The bible says we can test the spirits. Basically, I don't live in fear of anything negative, only calling for protection if a thought comes into my mind, call for protection now. We actually have to ask for it even if God or angels know its coming, that is if we are at a level where we can hear spirit.
I think that if you start talking to both Grandma or grandpa as thoughs come to you, that would be of help. For example: "Hey Grand dad, I don't know if you were watching but one of the times I went shopping right after you passed, guess what I saw at the store, something they hadn't stocked in months, your favorite cheese. Isn't that strange. It made me think of you." Or the next time you have an ice cream cone of bowl of icecream, make a toast to grand dad as some people do with drinks. Holding a spoon of it or the cone up, quickly under your breath or in your mind say, "Here's to you Grandad. Every time I have icecream I will think on you with fond memories." Make the thought brief though, if you keep on letting your thoughts wander, it could wander down a path of feeling sad or sorry for yourself.

Don't worry about Christmas, it is not going to be the same. But if they had any special traditions, like a certain cookie grandma made best, find it or make it and enjoy during the holidays. I bought photo ornaments for each parent. My Mom being from Germany, when I saw a flat Gingerbread house frame, that reminded me of gingerbread and germany and of course, Mom. So I put her photo in there and hang it on our Christmas tree every year. When Dad passed, we couldn't find as wonderful an ornament frame but got the best there was and his photo ornament was added to the tree. I might add I started a tradition when the kids were born, that each year, we'd add one ornament to the tree signifying something special to us as a family and each child had a shoebox with their own growing collection of ornaments. So it wasn't odd at all to have these photo ornaments added to the hodge podge already on our tree. Time doesn't pass the same on earth as it does on the other side. We know that from people saying so after told they died but were resusitated. What seemed like more than a minute to them, relatives on the other side felt the same, as if they died just the day before and here was their child dying the very next day, only it wasn't a day or so later, it was decades later. So it is really a separation where you are feeling the lack of them and time dragging on while to your grandparents, it won't feel like that. My sister asked Mom to give her signs that she was okay, asking this of her before she passed. I went with her grocery shopping one day. We were in the snack aisle and I was following a bit behind, trying to catch up when I screeched to a halt as a bag of chips comes flying off the top shelf to land in the middle of the aisle. I guess the timing was off as it was supposed to fall in front of my sister. I never asked for signs, I just talk to them to feel close. My sister however wanted signs which she feels this was one of them and I would have to agree, even if a bag wasn't sitting secure, it would simply have fallen down and landed next to the bottom shelf not half way across the aisle. You will do whatever works the best or feels most natural and comfortable to you. Maybe you will do nothing. When those who have passed come to visit you, you don't know they are there, but they especially like to come around special events, birthdays, holidays. Some people are lucky and though they can't see the dead loved ones, they pick up a whiff of what reminds them of a perfume or cologne to person wore when no one else is wearing it. Or a man who smoked cigars when alive, leaves a whiff of the scent of his cigar perhaps. This isn't a common occurance but it is still a possibility. So maybe just believe that Grandpa is there watching all of you, wishing he could say something to you. All of you talking to each other, but none to him, only talking about him. Thats not the same thing for him. I'll bet it feels like really weird, being somewhere when no one is talking to you as if you are not there. Since this will be the first Christmas without him in his mortal body, it doesn't mean he isn't there. I'll bet you he is, especially for a couple of Christmas's at least or more if you ask him to be there. You could pick a cool Christmas flavored icecream and before anyone eats theirs, say you'd like to say a remembrance to grandpa because icecream was his favorite. That way the family know what you are doing. Then talk to him as if he was there, even the silly stuff like, ;Too bad you' are only in spirit now and can't eat this icecream. We're having it in remembrance of you as being your favorite dessert. By that way, doesn't it look delicious, it's a candy cane, chocolate chunk type. I hope you've had it before cus if not, you just have to miss out. " It can be funny like that or serious. Whatever you feel like or feel the need to do. If anything else comes up that you'd like to share over the coming weeks, please do. I am not afraid of long letters as you can see, I do the same most the time.

I may have forgotten parts, oh wait, yes, the uncles not allowed to visit your family. Hmm, well if they don't have Facebook, it would be good if they could secretly find a coworker or friend who knows how and could help them get set up and then they could keep in touch via the internet. I understand that with the women being as they are, there isn't much chance of them allowing the husbands to come visit, especially if having to lie just to see their own Dad. I don't understand why they choose to stay married to them, but it is what it is. If there is a way to at least be in touch on the internet, that is better than nothing.

In the future, Christmas will change greatly again as you marry and have children and start your own traditions for the Children. My Kids now have kids so Christmas is exciting once again as I get to view it through the experiences of grand children. Sometimes I wish I could time travel back to enjoy a CHristmas when my own kids were little, since they are now adults. One daughter has kept the ornament tradition and still has the ornament I got her first Christmas when 7 months old and then next she picked out herself at age 19 months. Helping her trim her tree brings back plenty of good memories. I have no sad memories of Mom or Dad not being there anymore. Only the first couple times were hard and awkward. But if you complete all the steps to normal healthy grieving, then it will get easier and the thoughts of grandparents on their Birthdays, CHristmas or any day, become less sad and more filled with happy memories that may even make you laugh. So in parting I will share things my parents used to say that came out weird with their German accents and still thinking of sentence structure the German way but speaking English. When calling us to dinner, Dad said, "Sit on da Table and eat your foot!" an der is is on and foot was food twisted by his accent. The word 'wreck' is something Mom could never get right. Her famous saying was "I feel like a nervous Rag." Hmm, didn't know rags could have emotions...haha. Everytime I think of certain memories like this, all I do is laugh again. I don't feel sad that I don't hear this anymorje, I in fact didn't live with them after I married so there was a lot less time around them to hear the funny things they said
God bless!

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(Rating: 5) Thank you so much for your wonderful answer. You have made me feel so much better about everything. I'm so glad I came to you for help and was right in thinking that you were the perfect person to help me with this problem. Thank you again and God Bless you for taking the time to read my question and give me such perfect advice.
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