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Q: I'm kinda at the end of my rope with my boyfriend. We live together, and he started a new job about 6 months ago that has him stressed out rather often.
I love him, and I want to enjoy our time together, but I just can't. He picks his nose and snorts, wipes his nose on his hands, scratches his crotch, burps, chews his nails, forget to brush his teeth... ectra...
It used to be that if I wanted to have a meal with him without this behavoir, I could at least drag him out of the house, but now that doesn't work either. He's nearly as bad in public as he is at home.
I'm sure he is feeling ignored and neglected, but I just can't take someone seriously when they are acting this way. I feel so disrespected by all this and find him so unattractive. I wish he'd just reach for a damn Kleenex or go to the bathroom and do some of this shit in private. I just want to feel like I'm living with an adult who values and respects my presence. He says lovely things all the time, but when he says while behaving this way it just adds insult to injury.
I'm not sure how to bring this up tho without it turning into a "Hey you do gross things too!" 'cause I'm sure I do things that piss him off, but I need him to understand this is reaching deal-breaking proportions for me.
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You've been together for a while, I take it. If he's comfortable enough to pick his nose in front of you, then that sets a pretty good standard for comfort when discussing said bad habit.
I can also sympathize. My husband is a serial knuckle cracker, nail clicker, hangnail chewer and public singer/dancer/whistler. Even though you love the person, you can be put off by their habits. It's perfectly okay to tell them that. It's just a matter of approaching it the right way.
You know this isn't an attack on him. Now you just have to convince him it isn't. The tactic that has always worked for me is to sit down at some point, say "Hey, I really need to talk to you about something. I don't want to hurt you, but it really bothers me when you ____________." Make it a discussion as opposed to a sniping match. He might raise things that you do, but that doesn't change the fact that he still does gross things. If he makes a valid point, acknowledge it and promise to work on that if he promises to work on himself. If he just starts lashing out, remind him that it's not an attack on him as a person, just you talking to him about something that is causing real problems with your relationship. Would he prefer that you just walk away with no explanation one day?
From the sounds of it, he's a real catch other than these few habits. Chances are that he just got a little too comfortable. A gentle reminder that you're still the lady that he once tried so hard to impress will go a long way.
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Thanks a lot. It's good to remember other couples go through this sort of thing. I guess there is no magic solution. I just have to dive in. He is a real catch in every other way, and I know a lot of this is stress related, I just can't sit back and wait for him to stop it on his own any longer.
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bio
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My Personal Forum
My name is Amanda and I'm 26 years old. I'm currently studying electrical engineering. Armed with a fairly odd sense of humour and a sunny outlook on life, I'll take on just about anything. I'm also cussedly stubborn, which has its ups and downs. Things get tough sometimes, and I've never been one to run from it.
In my last 8 years with Advicenators, I've gone from honours student to failing out of university (and getting back on top again!), from single to married, from tenant to homeowner.
Until lately, I have been struggling with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and OCD, which had basically ruined my life and taken just about everything from me. I'm thankful every day for every experience I've had because of this ordeal, because it's helped to make me who I am today. Things like that really make you appreciate what you do have. Now that I'm back in work and school and starting to become myself again, I couldn't be happier. I credit Advicenators with saving my life back when I was a teenager, which is a big part of why I'm still here.
I won't necessarily give you the answers you want to hear, but I'll always be honest and do my best to help.
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Info
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Gender: Female Location: Ontario, Canada Occupation: Student Age: 26 Member Since: February 14, 2006 Answers: 2207 Last Update: September 26, 2016 Visitors: 92436
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