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Q: Hi all, 24/f here. My friend Jane is the bride.

I asked a question awhile ago about what to do about the dress she wanted all her bridesmaids to wear, and my parents have agreed to pick up the tab on that.
Recently, Jane asked me if it was going to be too much responsibility for me to be her MOH, and I said not at all, because as far as I knew it was just the dress, which I had figured out.
Now more and more things are cropping up. She expects all her bridesmaids to buy matching shoes to go with the dress; she expects some big bachelorette party, and gifts at the shower (which I didn't get an invitation to, and just found out it's in ten days. No idea what to get her.)

Not only do more and more expenses keep coming up, but I've never been in a wedding before. I have no idea what's expected of me as maid of honor. All I know of is the bachelorette party, and a speech... I can't get the information from her wedding planner, or her, and when I tried to make contact with the other bridesmaids to find out if maybe they knew something I didn't, one of them responded rather nastily, one of them is in another state, and the other hasn't responded to me.

I feel like telling Jane "look, I have absolutely no money to spend. If you want a maid of honor who can spend frivolously, pick someone else; if you want ME as your maid of honor, don't ask me to spend money I don't have."
But I obviously don't want to be so mean. I'm not really good at "nice," in general.
Especially because, in my broke frustration, I feel like it's extremely unfair of her to expect us to buy custom bridesmaid dresses, and shoes, and get our hair/makeup done; and even more unfair to insinuate that maybe I can't "afford" to be her maid of honor.

I have another friend who's a MOH right now, and HER bride expects absolutely no spending from her.

So what do I do? Do I tell her I can't do it? Do I wait and see what my supposed "responsibilities" are? I'm becoming very stressed out by all this, especially being kept in the dark as far as what's expected of me.

Any advice? :(

I remember your first question! This was exactly what I was worried about for you.

You need to sit down with her over coffee and find out exactly what, financially, she's expecting of you. Ask about hairdos, makeup, manicures, shoes, travel, etc. Tell her that with the state of the economy and your finances, you want to make sure you can afford to be there for her before you get in too deep. Don't be embarrassed about this. It's so common for people to be in a tight squeeze financially these days, and it's more embarrassing to end up being unable to get to the wedding because it's a choice between gas money and rent for the month. See if there are any concessions she'll make. Custom-dyed shoes- how about each girl wearing a pair of nice black shoes? Vegas? Oooh, how about a girls' camping weekend?

If you can't afford it and she won't budge, don't go broke. Gracefully bow out, tell her that you are so honoured to have been chosen and that you'd love to help with preparations, but that you just can't afford to financially support the wedding that she wants.

It's unfair for people to expect those in their wedding party to pick up the tab. You want a fancy wedding with all the bells and whistles, you'd better be prepared to pay for it yourself! I totally echo your sentiments, but for the sake of your friendship it's probably best to hold back and be as nice as possible.

If your friend is miffed because you can't afford the Kitchen-Aid mixer on her registry, she's a real piece of work. A lovely hand-made gift (use your talents!) can go over really nicely. I hand-trimmed a set of facecloths and towels for the girl I was a bridesmaid to, and gave her each set at the three (THREE!) bridal showers she had. She knew that I was flat broke at the time, and she appreciated the hours of work that went into them.

Rating: 5

YAY you answered, you're always so helpful. I did tell her that I have essentially no money to spend, and she still wants me as MOH. I still have to figure out what to make her... Thank you. :)

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