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Q: My boyfriend and I will be dating for 2years this April. We currently rent a home together, for 7months. Just recently it was bothered me that he does not cuddle after sex, he is quick to put his clothes back on and watch tv, let the dogs out, read on the ipad, etc. anything but cuddle, this has really bothered me and I am wondering if this is something I should be worried about? He says he loves me and talks as if I will be apart of his future, but it is just talk. I strongly feel he is not over his ex. They were together for 7years and they were engaged. He says the engagement was a joke and its not how I think, but why would someone save a significant amount of money to buy an engagement ring for someone he didnt plan on marrying? He is 24, I beleive he was 20 when he proposed. In the begining of our relationship I found afile in his pictures that contained naked pictures of his ex and I asked why he had it he said he forgot it was even there and he would delete it, about a month later ( Im not exactly sure the timeframe since it was the beginning of our relationship) The pictures were still there, I confronted him about it and he completley shut me out, we did not talk or see eachother for a week. Finally, he deleted them. When I saw these pictures, I looked to see when they were put on his computer, they were uploaded long after they were broken up. His ex is married, she got engaged and then married just a few months after the break up which my bf was the one who broke up with her. He talked so negatively about her but then I found out they talked on the phone and through texts, I read the texts because I did not trust him and they were talking like they were great friends. I confronted him about it and as far as I know, they did not talk since. Just recently, in our home I found out he had alot of pictures of his ex, I confronted him about it and he threw them away. However, I looked through the box when he was gone and saw letters from her along with homecoming and prom pictures, pictures he said he had his mom throw away when they broke up. I never did tell him I knew about this, instead I just asked the question "what happened to them" He said he had his mom throw them away he doesnt know where they are. I just do not understand why he would lie about this? It all makes me tie it into him not cuddling after sex because of an intimacy issue. I have told him I did not think he was over his ex and he got extremely mad. I just need an outside opinion about this because I am really unsure what to do. He talks like he wants to spend his life with me but I feel as though he is not completley into the relationship and I am not completley opening up to him because of these feelings I have against him. It is really unfair for the both of us and I am completley torn as to what to do.

It's great to ask for advice, but you know who you should really be telling all of this to? Your boyfriend, that's who.

There are three separate issues here. One is that your boyfriend doesn't cuddle after sex, and you want to. Another is that you have a huge problem with his ex, and another that you don't trust him. Try to keep them mutual, or else when you do discuss this with him, it'll end up being an attack, not a conversation.

Cuddling first: I can tell you that I hate cuddling after sex. My husband is a cuddler, and I'm the sort who wants to get up, get a drink of water, then do something. It's all about how your body reacts to the chemical rush. I get hyper, and being cuddled makes me claustrophobic and cranky. Everyone has their preferences. That's why you need to talk to your boyfriend about this and find out how you two can compromise. Maybe you alternate. Maybe he stays for 2 minutes, then he can go do what he wants. He needs to know that this is a really important issue to you because you feel like he's just using your body, with no real intimacy. Find out why he feels the need to get up and run after. Don't attack, discuss.

The ex: There's really no reason for you to be as worked up as you are over her. You need to understand that for 7 years, this woman was a big part of your boyfriend's life. He can't just burn all the pictures from that time period and forget she exists. When you're in a really serious relationship with someone, you never fully "get over" them. He ended things. Clearly he knew that she wasn't the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. So no reason for you to worry, right? Now, the naked pictures should have been ditched. I will give you that. It's not cool to keep stuff like that after you start dating someone new. That said, expecting him to get rid of all pictures (PROM pictures??? You only get one!) is pretty cruel. Did it ever occur to you that he might be hiding all of this from you and lying because you're freaking out every time you so much as get a hint of this other woman? My advice to you on this front is to calm down and trust him to love you more than her.

Speaking of trust... this is the big one. In your question, I see a serious lack of trust. You and he need to talk about this. It's not something I can help you with. Schedule a time when you two can sit down without interruptions, and bring up your trust concerns in a calm, non-offensive way. Own your distrust. Instead of "You made me distrust you because..." try "I'm having some problems trusting you because...". It's a subtle difference, but once you can own your feelings, you can work with them. When you put responsibility on him for how you feel, you lose control. If he cares about you and the future of your relationship, he'll talk to you. He might get upset. You might get upset. Trust me when I say that this is normal, and sometimes you need to have a full-day conversation about problems that arise in a long-term relationship.

Rating: 5

Thank you for the great advice, you just about hit the nail on each topic. I guess the main reason I get so worked up about him keeping those pictures is due to the fact I had this online account called photobucket, created it about 7 or 8 years ago. I had a TON of photos on there well over 1,000. I went on there a few months back to post pictures on there, when you post a picture it gives you a link so you are able to put a picture on a forum, that was my reasoning for going on there. Keep in mind thats the first time I went on there in a long time. Apparantley, I never logged out and my bf saw my photobucket on there were pictures from the past 8years of my life including pictures with my exes ( just 2) he didnt mention it to me right away instead, he waited months and we were on vacation in Hawaii and he decides to bring this up in an argument, really furious about it. So this is the main reason why I did react the way I did and I guess still do because of how much guilt he gave me. I ended up deleting that photobucket account so that is 8years worth of photo;s I wont get back. I did it because it seemed to bother him and I was not taking the time to go through each picture and save the important ones such as vacation pictures. So in my eyes I deleted everything, and through away everything from an ex during our move so it makes me feel if I can get rid of it why cant he? So as you can see there are trust issues between the both of us. Why he does not trust me or acts like he doesnt is not because of anything ive done, but because of his past so I am being blamed for his past I guess. The reason I dont trust him, is because he has looked me in the eyes and lied to me several times. I just really need to work on forgiving and moving on and not looking back which has been really hard since there is a ton of that to do.

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My name is Amanda and I'm 26 years old. I'm currently studying electrical engineering. Armed with a fairly odd sense of humour and a sunny outlook on life, I'll take on just about anything. I'm also cussedly stubborn, which has its ups and downs. Things get tough sometimes, and I've never been one to run from it.

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