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I've been in a serious relationship with "Drake" for almost 3 years, 2 1/2 of which we've lived together. My problem is simple, I'm just afraid there's no simple answer. I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I never thought I was a shallow person until now. I can't help it. I know as a relationship gets older, some of the passion dies and thats normal. I know once you have what you want you don't so much want it anymore and that thats human nature. But I mean, I won't let him touch me, much less have sex with me. He turns me off rather than on. Its been going on for months now. Its really very sad, because while he complains about not getting any, he doesn't know whats really going on. I've told him its more of a medical condition (which isn't a complete lie) to spare his feelings. Sometimes I think he's going to push the issue, and I get prepared to tell him the truth, but then he drops it, like he knows there's a problem and he wants to avoid it. I try to encourage him to lose weight or change other things that gross me out about his appearance and sometimes I piss him off. I try to be sensitive, I'm not perfect either, but we can't go on like this. He and I are sexual people, he thinks he's being deprived and so do I. He's a good man with a big heart and a great sense of humor and I feel safe and secure with him. I just can't get hot for him. Does that mean the love I had for him has changed into a different kind of love? Or does it mean I'm a superficial bitch? We've been through so much, I'm terrified of hurting him, of losing him. He'd be mortified if he knew I felt this way. How can I talk to him about this? I feel like our relationship is at stake... (link)
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This is an awfully tough situation to be in, and you both have my sympathy.
First off, I have to tell you: stop beating yourself up. If you don't feel it any more, you don't feel it. What is gone, is gone.
Now the question is, can you get those feelings back? And do you want to try? Only you know the answer.
So it's time to think long and hard. If you think you want to give this relationship a chance, then your next step is couples counseling - because you need to find a way to be able to tell him how you feel, so that HE can decide if you're worth making some changes for. Right now, you two simply aren't communicating very well, and ultimately that can be as damaging to a relationship as a lack of physical attraction.
On the other hand, if you decide that he's not worth it, or that there's no real hope that you'll ever feel attracted to him again, then you owe it to yourself and to him to end it.
The wild card in all this is the medical condition that you mentioned. Since you didn't give any details, I don't know how to factor it in to your situation. Certainly there are some medications that can affect libido and attraction. Likewise, there are medical conditions that can have a serious impact on your feelings and sexuality. If you haven't discussed all this with your doctor(s), you certainly should.
In any case, please remember that this does NOT mean that you're a bad or shallow person; your feelings are what they are, and that's just how it is. None of us are robots, and sometimes love or attraction just...disappears.
It's sad, but that's how it is.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for your advice and thank you for making me feel loads better about how I feel. We're both good people, I'm going to wait for the right moment, and talk to him, open and honestly. I hope he thinks I'm worth a little change!
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