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First of all, I would like to say that I really respaect your column and am coming to you for advice because yours was the best of the answers to my original question.(older love, asked a few weeks back).
The situation has now developed slightly.After breaking up with me, the man I met at church confessed that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend back in the U.S.(he is American, I am British and living in London where he is now based). He says that while he wants to be with her, he is not sure whether it is going anywhere and whether she will take him back. Meantime, he wants to sleep with me in order to have sex and companionship, and says that he does have some feelings for me though not as strong as those for his ex-girlfriend.I am in real doubt as to what to do. He is forty-seven now, while I am only twenty-two. I REALLY care about him and don't like to think of him being lonely, yet at the same time I have to look out for myself.
I am asking you, as a man near enough his age, whether you think we have the slightest chance of a future or whether it's hopeless.Of course I know that you can't know from the inside, but even a general idea would be a big help.Thanks in advance. (link)
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I'm awfully sorry to write back so late, but I was actually off Advicenators for quite a while; it was starting to take up too much of my time and my life. Your question came during my "away" period.
I only just saw your question in my inbox yesterday. At first, I didn't notice that it was old. But I just saw your recent question, checked the date, and now I must apologize.
Having said that...I hate having to give you this answer, but honestly, I don't see a future for you with him. His heart is elsewhere, and that almost certainly won't change.
Sleeping with him will (did) only increase your emotional involvement with him, and led to your being hurt. And honestly, at this point, you really need to take care of yourself before anything else; you've been through one of the most painful things that a person can suffer, unrequited love, and you need time to recover.
I've been there too, by the way, and I remember how much it hurts.
I don't know if this helps (in fact, it probably doesn't), but there IS someone out there for you, someone who will return your love. You're certainly not ready for that now - as I think I mentioned last time, I'm sure the thought of being with anyone else is almost sickening to you right now, and that's natural - but if you can find a way to take a break from love and romance, you should.
You need to give your heart time to heal. And although it's probably almost unimaginable right now, in time you WILL heal. You won't forget him, but you will be able to move on. And you'll find someone who can and will will return your love.
It could be a year or more, but it will happen. In the meantime, find ways to keep busy; it's a cliche, but the less time you have to dwell on the recent past, the better.
I think you're an exceptional person. Your questions clearly show an unusual insight and a very large heart. I'm truly sorry that this has happened to you. Give yourself time, and you'll find someone who can fully appreciate you and reciprocate your love.
I wish you all the best.
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Rating: 5
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Thank you for your response. I know your advice is correct, even though it hurts really badly. There is much pain in life as well as much joy, one just needs to learn to accept that. I suppose my fear is as much for him as for myself, that he will be unable to find someone now that his ex has finally rejected him, and that my love for him will go to waste. But I musn't dwell.....thanks againx.
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