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I recently started dating a guy with a very very close family. I am 22, he is 24, and still living with his parents while he saves up to buy a house. The problem is that I'm starting to see signs of his parents making too many decisions for his life.
First of all, he is christian, and quite religious. Me and him have made the decision to wait to have sex, at least for now. I think this is a personal decision that is between me and him.
He stays at my house sometimes, and has already slept in the same bed at me while staying at my mothers house, at my house, and at my sisters house. There is not a problem with this because we are both adults, and are very capable of making out own decisions.
But, recently he told me that he doesn't think he should stay at my house anymore because his parents are already getting suspicious. He has already told him that we're not having sex, but, apparently, they don't believe him, and are trying to stop anything from happening.
Another thing is that I'm planning a trip to Florida, and he really wants to go. He is allowed two weeks vacation from work, and would only need one week. The problem is that he works for his father. I would not see a problem if his father told him "I don't think I can give you the time off, because I need your help here" But, instead, he said "I don't think you should go because you need to save your money"
This guy is 24 and is capable of making his own decisions on where he sleeps at night and what he spends his own money on.
I'm wondering how I could make this clear to him, that it bothers me, without making it uncomfortable. I do not want to make things uncomfortable for me and his parents, him and his paretns, or me and him. Any advice would be much appreciated. (Indeed)
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It sounds like his parents have made major decisions for him before, and now it is just the norm. He probably figures his parents cannot steer him wrong or even that living in their house means they still have control over his life. As for his parents assuming he is having sex, so he doesn't want to stay over any longer - I'm sure that if they figure you are already having sex, you won't just stop having sex if he no longer stays over somewhere with you. That is an issue his parents have, and I don't think him not staying over anymore will solve it anyways, so he shouldn't stop unless you decided you didn't want him to, etc. As for telling him this, just say, flat out, that not staying over at your house and such will not change how his parents think, and that you really don't want to stop spending that time with him just because his parents aren't sure of how to trust him. As for this trip, it sounds like he could really use the week away from his parents. Work out exactly how much it will cost him, or at least a good idea of how much it will cost. Then this guy can show this to his father and tell him that he works hard enough all year to deserve a break, and that he can clearly afford the cost, which I doubt is too excessive. I guess the only other thing I can suggest is that you suggest these things to him, but don't tell him what to do either, because it is clear that he has enough people trying to run his life already. If he decides not to take your advice, and listens to his parents, try to take into account that he still lives under their roof, and it is probably just second nature that he always listen to their advice, so go easy on him. When he has finally saved up the money to buy himself a house, I would hope that the independence he would then have would allow him to make lots of his own decisions and maybe let go of the idea that his parents are the final say or the best say.
Yay you rule.
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If I wasn't leaving for my trip in 6 hours, then I might still be able to convince his father. Oh well. Thanks for the advice. :) |
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