A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
Location: No where you've heard of.
Member Since: July 16, 2007
Answers: 2588
Last Update: April 13, 2014
Visitors: 97195
Main Categories:
Love Life
Random Weirdos
Mental health
View All
|
| |
|
back in janurary i cheated on my boyfriend after i told him i found out that on new years that he jumped out of a window and got a concussion and almost died. i ended up dumping the person i cheated with and went back with my original does that make me a player? i feel so horrible about it everytime i think about it i feel like a monster who doesnt deserve to live how do i deal with this (link)
| |
No, it doesnt make you a player. Its good that you feel horrible about it. Thats the correct emotion. And while you did something fucked up and wrong, hopefully you learned from it and will be a better person in the future because of it. Try to focus on that.
|
|
one of my close friends (lets call her friend A) has been hanging around with this other friend (lets call her friend B) whos...i feel bad saying this about her cause i'm friends with her too but...easy. shes never like had sex (i dont think) but she always gets drunk and makes out or gives handjobs to any guy thats there at the moment. and it pisses me of that so many guys call her the "perfect party whore" and i don't like them saying that because she's my friend although its true. now friend A has gotten closer to her and now friend A is starting to go out with friend B most weekends and they invite guys over and get drunk and who knows what they're doing. basically friend A is turning friend B into a slut. i feel so bad saying this but its the truth. my friends are all turning this way and i don't know what to do because i don't want guys taking advantage of them and stuff. what do i do? (link)
|
What do you do?
First off, go find a copy of south park season 8. Ask your friend to come over, and watch the episode entitled "Stupid Spoiled Whore"
As goofy as that sounds, its actually pretty effective. Its an episode that ridicules people who think its "Cool" to be sluts. And it does so quite effectively.
Second... well I would say talk to them, but you probably honestly don't have the ability to tell them what they really need to hear. They need to hear it from a guy who isnt a horny teen.
Guys "like" girls who put out and date and respect girls who don't. Yeah, the guys loving having you around when you are a slut. It means they get laid, or whatever sexual equivalent your age group is up to at the moment. It also means that once they get what they want, the sluts are nothing to them.
Unfortunately, this wont work coming from you. They'll just say that you're jealous of the attention and a prude and whatnot. Thats how children work. They agree that something is "cool" and so they can do it without worrying or thinking about it because they have the approval of their peers.
|
|
So I'm 15, a freshman girl in high school, and despite the fact that's there's 1,000+ kids in my school, I don't have any friends. I don't get why. I talk to people who are my acquaintances, but I know I don't say too much because I'm afraid they'll think I'm annoying. I do raise my hand a lot in class, and I'm trying to stop, but is that annoying? Sometimes, I joke around with people that I talk to more, but is that annoying too? I get straight As, and I guess I'm somewhat decent looking. A girl in my Spanish class said I'm pretty, but I think she was saying that to make me feel better. Why doesn't anyone like me? I did drama and I'm on my track team and in a youth group. I met lots of new people, but no new friends. Everyone's just really clique-y and I don't fit in. The same girl who's in my Spanish class is in my art class, (which is after Spanish) and we walk together. We never say anything. I don't think she really likes me, she just doesn't want to walk alone. A lot of times, one of her friends will come up and talk to her, so I have to go ahead. It seems like people only talk to me when they want something, whether it's help with homework, to borrow something, etc. I always feel so awkward in gym because I just hang around these girls, but we're not friends, so I just stand there. Last year, I had friends. Over the summer, I did a camp, and there was a younger girl who was the sister of this guy I talked to. I found out from her that he thought I was really annoying and that another guy though I "stalked" him when I didn't even talk to him that much. This summer, I don't have anyone to hang out with, and I'm not doing the camp again because I'm not friends with anyone, and it's too late to join anyway. What am I do doing wrong? (link)
|
You are intelligent. That makes you different.
Just by your post, its evident. You are clear and concise, and don't throw in a bunch of random slang or insert lots of "LOL"s or use abbreviations like "BFF!", etc.
Track, drama, etc? You are probably in good shape and relatively attractive in addition to being intelligent. This means that the guys are intimidated by you, and the girls too, to a degree. They don't know how to interact with you and everyone around you probably thinks you think they are stupid. Its a pretty normal assumption at your age.
Talk more. Thats probably the best advice people can give you. You withdraw. You wait for people to come to you. Can't do that if you want friends. Be more outgoing and show people you can relax a bit and usually that helps. If you don't know how to interact, do it anyway. You can only get better with practice.
|
|
hi, i need advice. im 16 and the guy i love is a bit older than me. my parents want let me be with him so i have to sneak. i do feel horrible about it. i really want a relationship with him. i dont know what to do. please help! (link)
|
If he's old enough to be prosecuted for statuatory rape, stay away for now. You're only a couple of years from the age of consent (maybe less, if you live some places)
If theres no legal problems involved, sneak, and don't get caught.
|
Here's the problem:
I am over $5000 in credit card debt. A lot of it is due to the fact that I've had to help my mom on a lot of stuff. I do love her a lot, but it's getting to the point to where I cannot keep doing this. I'm 22 years old and want to live my own life, but I don't make enough money to get my own place right now and even if I was making enough, all my money right now would be going towards the bills. I not only pay my credit card bill, I also pay all the utility bills and the rent for where I live. My mom dosen't work which makes it hard. The one thing I do hate about her is the fact that she smokes cigerattes and a lot of them. I hate buying her cigerattes because a carton is $43 And I have to buy like 2-3 cartons a month. I only bring home about $300 every two weeks from work. I don't know how to tell her about I really don't want to help her on a lot of this stuff without her getting mad. I've thought about moving in with my dad and there, I wouldn't have to worry about any bills except my own. And I would also attempt to accomplish more goals in my life. If I moved out, I wouldn't help mom whatsoever in the bills and then she would be in trouble. What can I do about this issue? I cannot afford to keep having my debt go up and up anymore. (link)
|
Fuck...
Ok, my answer is going to be similar for various reasons, to others.
You need to get out, now.
Your mother is digging a hole for you. She is using your name to run up debts that she won't have to deal with. Thats fucked up in the extreme, and something you should NOT allow.
Move out. Your mother isnt going to get her shit together if you support her and you arent going to get your shit together if you let her leave you in thousands of dollars in debt.
Ok. The next part, is a problem. Your mother has all of your information. More than enough for her to get credit cards and such in your name and continue to run up debt. You have to put a stop to that, and that may very well mean that you prosecute her. You do not have a choice, you HAVE to do this, and cut her off. If you choose to continue enabling her she is only going to continue to ruin your lives.
Cancel your cards that exist. Tell her that she is not allowed to have any cards of any kind in your name. Contest all charges made in your name after that that do not bear your signature.
You are 22. Its time you took responsibility for your own life instead of other people's. And its time you stood up for yourself.
|
|
yeah, so all my life i grew up thinking you could get a cold by being cold. but then a few years ago my bio teacher said no, you get colds only from contact with other humans, which is why you seem to get sick more easily in the winter since that's when you're at school and all that. but then my mom firmly believes that it's possible to catch a cold just by getting chilled. soooo wat do u guys think? this is irking me. (link)
|
Being cold will not, in itself, give you a cold.
What being cold does, is lower your body temperature. If your body temperature changes too far in either direction, it can impact your immune system.
When that happens, you might catch a cold from someone that you might otherwise have resisted, because your immune system is weaker at that moment.
Thats where the old wives tale comes from. Being cold won't give you anything, but changing your body's environment to something less hospitable can render you more vulnerable to infections and the like. The same way its easier to get sick in a hospital. Most people think its because hospitals are gross, but in actuality hospitals are very clean. Its just that when you are in a hospital, theres usually something wrong with you, and if your body is trying to fix one thing and you expose it to another its going to have a harder time fighting both.
|
|
me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year almost. he will be turning 16 in less then a month and i have no idea what to get him, for my birthday he went over the top. i have 400 dollars so price doesnt matter. hes not into sports, he likes video games but on christmas he said he wouldnt want a game from his girlfriend. i already bought him a chain. i hate gift cards i think that they dont show you care. so basically what can be a big over the top gift to buy for him and to show him that i love him? (link)
|
A girlfriend once decided to plan a birthday date. She took me to a lazer tag place and we played for a few hours, then went to see a movie I really liked, grabbed dinner from somewhere, and rented another movie and she gave me a great back massage while we watched it.
And other things, but I can't recommend those to a 16 year old.
Basically, replace everything we did with something he would like. Treat him to a bunch of fun stuff and do it with him. Just make the day all about him and making him happy.
|
i started my birth control pill a week ago. i had sex after i'd been on it for a week. it was the first time, so it was slow and short. he wore a condom and he didn't even cum at all.
is there anything i should be worried about? we were protected, i'm just worried incase i was still ovulating due to the fact the birth control hadn't totally kicked in yet.
help!
is this going to affect the birth control at all? and i'm supposed to have my period(according to the pills) in about two weeks-and sometimes i won't even have it at all(says the doctor) so i dont want to stress myself thinking "omg i didnt have a big period"
help help help! (link)
|
Most birth control doesnt stop you from ovulating it stops the egg from attaching to the wall of the uterus.
Regardless, you have pretty much a zero percent chance of getting pregnant.
|
alright. i have a bit of a situation with a friend of mine....we're both 16. and girls.
so basically, she's grown to think of herself as a princess. like no joke. she stares in the mirror 24/7..she thinks she's the best poet in the world, she thinks every guy wants to woo her and sweep her off her feet. she is pretty, i admit. but her arrogance is getting to everyone she knows.
this is a basic day with her:
friend: I look SO beautiful today! *flips mirror open* *brushes hair, applies mascara, blows a kiss, smiles*
me: Yeah you do..
friend: psh, I know I do.
that's basically how an average day is. and i've taken it for this whole year..i havent said a word. but now im just sick of it. i dont want to be her friend anymore. the problem is, we have many mutual friends. but theyre getting sick of her too. we already got into a fight. and it was her fault. but i apologized ...three times..so she'd talk to me. this was her reply after my sincerest apology: "i appreciate the effort. but i cant talk to you just yet." she acts like a motherfucking princess who cant forgive! how am i supposed to respond when she DOES forgive me ? [for no reason] i dont wanna take the blame and make it seem like she's a princess and everyone deserves to be forgiven by her! what should i doo? :( (link)
|
Stop talking to her. Tell her exactly why you're not talking to her anymore. Explain to her that her arrogance is nowhere near justified and even if she were the goddess Aphrodite herself people wouldn't want to put up with how conceited she is.
The only way she is ever going to learn is through repeated and vast social rejection.
|
|
We have a little family bible worship service each Saturday, against my will. We just read through Proverbs and lately the chapters we've been reading have this "child discipline" things in them . Like " Spare the rod; spoil the child." It's friggin driving me CRAZY! My parents always choose those verses when we come to the part where we are supposed to share what we felt was the important verse to us out of the things we read. (we read one verse ech.) Each time my dad cracks some joke like "yeah, take out the rod!" and my mom babbles on about how it's right and every parent should discipline and BLAH BLAH BLAH!In front of me! And lots of time directed to me!My parents they I should always obey an do what they want.They actually SAY it like that." YOu should always obey no matter what because we're more experienced." I mean, don't get me wrong, I am christian but why do they force me to do things I don't wanna. Like days I'd rather not go to church. I'm even going to CHRISTIAN school. If I tell them I don't wanna go to THAT certain school they threaten to take me out of that school and put me in these very hard schools.. ( I go to an international school and I live in Asia. In the place I live, the country's schools are VERY difficult.) They also just go "God has't touched you yet. I was just as unfaithful and Godless as you when I was young" And those DISCIPLINE and sexual parts! Don't they think I'd be embarrassed! I mean, excuse me, I'm a kid! I don't wanna here about how I should get hit by a rod! (my parents don't hit me, btw.) Don't they think I'd be embarrassed?! I always get mad after these worhsip meetings and my annoying mom always shout " What's wrong with you? The devil provoked you right after the worhsip meeting!" What is she, a friggin priest? I mean the devil? What the freak? UGH! 13/f (link)
|
Wow.
Ok, sit down. Settle in. Maybe get something to drink. This is going to take a while.
Oh, and a sidenote, don't be offended if I talk bad about Christians. I'm allowed to, I was raised catholic.
I'll start with your parents behavior. Why they act like they do. Because their parents did to them what your going through now, and because neither of them were intelligent enough to question it.
It would take a while to fully explain, but most religions primary method of getting new members is by birth. Its easier to make a child believe in God than an adult, so they use family units to base life around the religion. "Parents teach your kids to love god or you're bad parents" is a common message of the church. Christianity more than any other religion is also very very hardcore about making sure parents raise kids in the religion. The catholic church makes you sign an agreement that you will raise the kids catholic if you get married in the church.
Add into that, your parents are religious. Religious people think that everything is bad. In their own twisted, backwards, incredibly unhealthy way, theyre trying to protect you. Keep that in mind over the next 5-6 years, because I can promise that you will end up hating them at some point.
Now, we address you. You (don't get a big head) are more intelligent than the average. Most people don't question things taught from a very young age. Its a mark of higher intellect that you question things. Thats why you look at them like they're crazy when they say "you should just always obey us". You arent stupid enough to believe your parents infallible, and you don't want to have to do what they say when they are wrong, but they see it differently.
Etc etc etc.
So, heres what the next several years are going to be like. You are going to have to fight tooth and nail for any privledge you want. You are going to have to teach yourself to be responsible, because Christian parents don't teach that. They just tell you not to end up in a situation and give you no tools to deal with the world if you end up in it anyway. Sex... well all I'll say is that you're old enough to at least know the basics, best suggestion I have is go visit coolnurse.com and read the entire website.
Your parents are going to try to treat you like you're 11 for as long as they possibly can. They will endevor to maintain hold over you as long as humanly possible. Past high school and into college, past college if they can. In their minds, controlling your life that long only means that they're loving and attentive.
Once again, keep in mind that your parents are borderline crazy. You can't hate crazy people for being crazy, and you can't always argue rationally with them. Just do your best to love them and understand that there are things about you that they will never fully understand.
So, your options. Two, as I see.
1) The quiet rebel. Have your fun, learn your lessons, do what you want to do, never get caught. Difficult, but possible. Now, I'm not advocating going and getting yourself into alot of trouble, but with religious parents this is as simple as not letting them know what you believe about life, about their points of view, just put on the "perfect little girl" act and be your own person when you aren't around them.
2) The vocal rebel. I can't say I recommend this one. I have tried talking to, reasoning with, arguing with, etc, my parents. I have tried to show them where they were wrong, Ive tried to get them to understand things about me and about life, Ive tried it all. My parents never came around, and we don't talk much anymore.
I was quiet until college. Then I became pretty vocal. My parents were too far gone in their beliefs to be movable though. They're the kind of people who never questioned what they were told, from day 1. Well, my mother was a long time ago, but I think my father pretty much crushed any hint of individuality there was in that woman years ago.
Once you hit college, if you keep it under control and don't get found out to be a heretic or something, you can keep going along or simply remove their control. You don't have to argue, simply refuse to "obey" anymore and let them assume that youre an independent perfect christian girl.
Last thing, focus on school. I know thats probably almost cliche, but being a good student will give them less to bitch about, and will stand you in good stead for your future. One of the absolute easiest ways to get parents like yours to back off later is by being good enough to get into a great college. Great college means moving out immediately, which means full freedom at 18.
|
so people say i'm emo. even though i'm not. but on the other hand i have nothing against them. i just dont liketo lable myself. so yeah my hair is dark and i have a fringe, and like black eyeliner and wear green/blue/red/purple skinnys.
what is so bad about that? i mean everyone hates me, just because i'm not a hip hopper and dont drink&smoke. everyone else does but so what? i just dont want to be like them. i just dont understand why people hate me just because i'm different. no matter how nice i am, they just hate me.
i have no friends at all. i guess i was just unlucky with this school.
but what should i do?
i wont change though. (link)
|
You know, the really funny thing is, you can't change.
The way you dress and express yourself is an inner difference trying to manifest itself in an outer way.
You feel different from everyone around you. You might not even be able to say exactly what is different, but you know that "what" is definitely there. So you do things that set you apart.
Thing is, most people aren't wired this way. Most people are wired and trained from birth to comply, to imitate, to be like others. When you purposefully make yourself different from them, they can't understand why, because they don't have that innate feeling of separation.
People have negative feelings towards that which is different. Its just the way most people operate.
|
|
My fiance lies to me about stupid things. My beliefs are that there's nothing more important in a relationship (whether it's mother&child/husband&wife etc) than honesty. I don't mean NEVER lying because sometimes people need to be told they look great on a crappy day haha but never lying about big things. On the whole, my fiance is an amazing man but like I said, he lies about these stupid things. I get angry about him lying, not about what he has lied about. How can I get it through his head that if he tells me the truth, no matter what it is, I love him and we will work through whatever? His lies cause me to snoop and I absolutely hate being like that! (link)
|
He lies to control the situation because he isnt confrontational enough to simply state what he wants and risk any adverse reactions from you.
For better or worse this is probably somewhat a part of his personality. People who lie alot do so usually because they feel the need to. They feel as if everything won't be ok if they don't lie. Even when he gets caught, he already knows how you react to that so he can prepare himself for it, whereas if he tells you hes always worried the reaction will be different.
Talk to him. Alot. Its going to take alot of work, and alot of effort, and alot of understanding on both of your sides to overcome this. Its simply a case of the two of you are literally wired differently and its causing snags in interpersonal communication.
|
|
I have a friend who recently experienced this problem and I don't know what kind of advice to give her. Her and her bf (of a few years) got into a fight. He called her a bad name (c___), she smacked him and he smacked her back (she said it was pretty hard but that he told her he did it by accident kind of a reaction or something).. He's never hit her before nor does he seem like that kind of guy to me. She's not sure if this should be a big deal to her and while I normally say you should never stay with a man who hits you she did hit him first. What should I tell her? =/ (link)
|
I hate it when people wave the "abuse" card. They each escalated the situation and are guilty of gross loss of temper control. Beyond that, its not like they beat each other up over it. And,
Human impulse is to strike back at things that strike you, and to hit harder than they did. Thats what these two did. They both need to learn some self control and they'll both be fine.
|
|
okay well this boy whom i've known not that well but hes on the football team and i'm on the cheerleading team and he keeps asking me to come over his house but does he mean to have sex or just to chill?? i think he means sex and if he does i want to but i dont want to have sex with him cause i really dont know him that well.should i go over there on friday xoxo gossipbabe (link)
|
No, you really shouldnt.
Heres how this works. If you were mature enough to have sex with him, you wouldnt. Why? Because you dont know him, and random hookups are something that stupid people and TV Drama Series stars enjoy.
Because you aren't mature enough to have sex with him, you're here asking. If you have to ask someone if you should sleep with someone, the answer is almost certainly no.
Should you go over to his house? No. Because you arent certain what you should do, and your judgement is compromised because you want to.
Also, I'll put it this way. If a guy invites you over to his house, and he CAN have sex with you, he will.
If you dont think you should have sex with someone, then dont. You should be strong enough in that conviction that you could go to his house and NOT sleep with him. If you can't do that, don't go to his house.
|
Ok, i know why someone would like someone [as in you find then attractive, they have a good personality, and they are kind and caring people] that part makes sense. But ive always wondered what it is exactly that creates the feeling of liking a person?
For example there could be two guys: both are sweet, friendly, and good looking [obviously everyone has a different idea of what good looks are but physical attraction is also part of liking a person] So both these guys would be cool and fun to hang out with, but maybe a person would only be attracted to one. I wonder why, what creates this attraction to only one, when the other is just as good? There has to be something about a person that you find special, maybe like something about them inspires you. I'm not sure if there is an exact science to it but if anyone might have any ideas please let me know
thanx =D (link)
|
Every emotion you feel is chemical and electrical signals in your brain that happen as a result of varying stimuli.
When certain stimuli are present in your environment (like a really hot member of a sex you are attracted to) the result is a reaction in your brain known as "attraction"
There are a number of ways your brain determines fitness of a mate. Some of these are concious, some subconcious or unconcious. For instance, I am attracted to musical people. I have many times in my life dated a girl who I found out later was involved in music in some significant way in her life. Seeming coincidence, but at the same time a coincidence that has repeated itself several times throughout my life.
There is no real science to it. Things create reactions, it varies from person to person. There really ISNT anything special about a particular person that makes you attracted to them. Its more like they just set off the right set of reactions for you in ways others don't.
|
kayy so, i know meny people dont wanna hear this but i believe it so i'm going to stand up for what i beileve even if you guys dont like & wanna hear it :)
i believe tupac is still alive not in the states of calie or anywhere around there; or anything.
i believe he faked hit death because of biggie;
i mean honestly he did/does have ALOT of money he could do anything with money! i mean if someone handed you 1.million dollars and told you to say he died on that bed right there you would TAKE it and say he died am i right?
he is prob living in jamaica with LONG hair.
changed his name & everything!
you never really know & he isnt that old hes only 36 or 37; i dont know i believe in him & i believe hes alive. & if he isnt then what can ya do? if you feel me on this say whats up. (link)
|
Either he actually is dead, or he faked his death to get away from fans like you, who see nothing wrong with invading his privacy and life because you like his music.
Either way, it doesnt matter, as there is no verifiable proof that he is actually alive and I very seriously doubt he showed up in a mall with an entorage after faking his death, as technically that constitutes all kinds of fraud and would make him criminally prosecutable under laws in every state of the union.
Leave him dead, everyone's better off this way.
|
Would you go out to a dinner and a movie with a girl (not a best friend) and pay for both if you were NOT interested in her?
(The guy in question is 19 yrs old. We've only hung out once before...we went out for breakfast, he paid for that too.) (link)
| |
Not a shot in hell.
|
|
Hello, I'm 17/M, and I've been thinking. Having a girlfriend is something I'd like to experience before I graduate high school. The problem is, I have no idea who to ask out. I meet a girl I have chemistry with maybe once every two years, and the last two girls I had chemistry with turned out to both be complete bitches. So who do I ask out if I'm in high school? One of the millions of cute girls I don't know? One of the millions of cute girls I'm friendly with? Or do I wait around for chemistry? I'd definately start asking girls out left and right, but I haven't ever dated and I don't want to try it for the first time with someone I don't feel comfortable with. (link)
|
Part of the reason you date people is to find out if there IS chemistry. So yeah, Id say just find a girl that you find attractive whom you can have a conversation with and ask her out.
Think about it this way. You want to have dating experience, and you want to date people. You arent looking for "the one" right now. You're just looking for someone who wants to be in a relationship. Look for that, and let everything else flow as it will.
|
|
What are some good movies that I could rent. I feel like ive rented all the good onesss! (link)
|
http://www.imdb.com/chart/top
Top 250 voted movies on one of the most trafficked movie websites on the internet. That should get you started.
|
Why is it that some fellow advicenators tell young girls and boys it is okay to have sex or do other sexual acts "if they feel that they are ready" when they know that it is wrong. I believe they are just looking to get good ratings, do you agree? I'd much rather tell them the truth, that they are TOO YOUNG and have NO IDEA of potential consequences BESIDES pregnancy and get a lower rating than tell them it's okay. Am I the only one?
I suppose this can be seen as purely subjective, but is there anyone out there at or about my age (20) who thinks it's ok for 12 year olds to go around having oral sex and/or intercourse?
(link)
|
You know, I have a habit of checking ages on people pretty often when I read an answer, and you might notice a pretty common trend that you'll see alot of people who give out the "its ok for you to have sex answers" are 13-16 themselves.
As someone in their mid 20s, my perspective is somewhat different. I never tell them it is ok, but I DO give them the information they need to be safe. I'm not stupid enough to think that I can affect the IF part of these children having sex, all I can affect (maybe) is the how.
And if one 13 year old couple wears condoms and doesnt get pregnant because of my advice, it was worth it in my opinion.
|
|