I live in Central Wisconsin. I am married and we have two daughters. In 1997 I earned my degree in psychology from the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point. In my spare time I study psychology and philosophy.
Gender: Male
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Occupation: Phlebotomy Coordinator (Clinical Laboratory)
Age: 35
Member Since: October 19, 2005
Answers: 118
Last Update: January 24, 2010
Visitors: 18598
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How can I make holes in my jeans? With straight lines and all? Scissors dont seem to work.. (link)
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Scissors will work best, but you need a better pair. Go to the sewing section in Walmart and get a pair of fabric scissors.
Dr. Chad
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i dont know what to say or how to explain it really. im just simply, unhappy. i used to be happy, i dont know what happened. everything just feels so useless and people just suck. no one cares about anyone but themselves and i feel like im at a loss and i always find me second guessing myself. whats wrong with me? how can i be happy again? (link)
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As much as I would like to answer your question, I don't think it's possible. You need more than amateur advice from anonymous friends who are ignorant of any of the details behind your melancholy. I would recommend a professional: I recommend you start with your pastor or clergyman (and I'm an atheist!). He or she can learn more about your history and present circumstances, and guide you from there. He (or she) might recommend you see a therapist.
If you have felt this way pervasively for longer than six weeks, you may have more than a depressed mood. You may be clinically depressed, which requires professional help, and only a professional can make that determination. You aren't going to get the help you need from this website.
Seek help.
Dr. Chad
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what can i do to make my room warmer because when the heat is on its still cold.. any ways? and no i cant put the heat on any longer (link)
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If you have access to to the ductwork leading from the furnace to your room, look along it for a screw or wingnut you can turn to adjust the flow of air down that duct. You see, that screw/wingnut is connected to a damper, so it's possible to close that duct off. It could be closed or partially closed right now. You will have to experiment with it. Make sure the furnace is blowing hot air, then turn the screw half way and go up to the vent it leads to in your room and see if more or less air is coming out of it.
Dr. Chad
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okay this is kind of embarassing, and it may seem like i`m worrying over nothing .. but i need help in figuring this out.
All my life i`ve been scared of being alone with guys for some reason.. and ive always had this HUGE fear of getting raped by guys and stuff...like i get petrified if i have to be alone in a car with a man i don't know.. and im also terrified of getting locked into rooms which is also kind of weird..
another thing, when i was ELEVEN years old, i had a girl doctor, and all she did was stick her hands up my shirt for a physical, and i mean it was no big deal, but i started BALLING MY EYES OUT, saying "you didnt ask me first!" and stuff, and i mean i could understand myself just getting a little pissed, but i was crying and everything, and i felt so violated and used, and i dont know why because it wasnt a big deal at all!
I`ve always questioned myself like if i was raped or touched in my past somehow.. but it never added up ,i mean my mom wouldnt ever do that, and my dad is AWESOME and he`s really protective so it wasnt him, and i have no siblings...so i just brushed it off...its so weird though like i have this weird obsessive feeling inside me that something happened to me as a kid, which is why i react to things the way i do now..
Well, recently my dad said to me "Did anything weird to you happend when you were at Montessory Pre-school ?" and i said "I dont remember, why?" and he said "Because a long time ago on the news when you were 4 we had to take you out of that school, they closed it because something weird was going on there..like someone was doing sexual things to the kids" and when he said that i just thought to myself "holy shit, i wonder if thats why im like this.. i wonder if that happened to me" but i just asked him "well what else happened" and he said "they dont really know, they just closed and the woman went out of town.. something weird was going on in there though, and they all of a sudden closed"
So.. I was just thinking to myself.. is there a possiblity that maybe i was one of the kids who got touched in weird ways? and even though i dont remember it..could it still be affecting my life now? like if something like that happens to you as a child.. can you conciously feel it sort-of even if you dont remember it?
please help me, i feel so confused. (link)
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Speak to a psychologist, either your school psychologist or one practicing in the community. Your issue is common and they have many means of helping you work through it. There is no advice any of us can give you to help you resolve your fear of intimacy, and that fear is compromising your chances of sustaining a long-term relationship (ie. marriage) and building a happy life with someone.
Dr. Chad
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Well I like my bff (im m/14 my bestfriend is also m/14) and well he's unfourtunealtley strait, well i want to be able to go out with him. But i odn't want ppl knowing i'm Bi, anyways I found a way to get him to like me... well my friend used to do wicca stuff(spells) and she's finding me a love spell. I've seen stuff like this work before(she's done it) so i want to do it on him but i don't know if i should because I don't want to force him into this but i want to have him love me... what should i do should i use it or not?
I rate high...unlesss youre ignorant (link)
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So, you are mature enough to have discovered your sexual orientation, but you think love can be induced by magic? You are going to rate me low because of my ignorance, right? So why am I sending you this?? Because the ignorance lies with you, my friend, and somebody has to tell you.
For the sake of argument, if you COULD induce your friend to love you by using a magic spell on him, what sort of friend would you be?? You would be betraying his trust. You would be selfish. A magic spell would be the moral equivalent of using the date rape drug Rohypnol (flunitrazepam).
Dr. Chad
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i have two question if have puss coming from your penis but you had intercourse one time since this could it come from the partner a week later
and if i have a cat and cat keeps on using the litter box them climbs in your lap and be scartching you can you catch something
if you dont keep up your personnal hygeine could that cause you also to have something
PLEASE ONLY SERIOUS ANWERS TO THESE QOUESTION (link)
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There is only one possible serious answer to this question. Go see a doctor. Don't be embarrassed--they've seen it all, and much worse than STD's.
Dr. Chad
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13/f
at my school im not socially accepted and i dont no why this is my second year here and im not trying to be cocky but im really pretty, and im nice, but im not socially accepted for some reason. ps i go to a private school. But anyway my ex-best frieend goes to the same school i do and she thinks shes miss all taht or w.e and there are about 16/40 kids in my calss that i get along fine with its jsut the people who don't like me always hang out with those people i get along with. there is this one person who always picks on me saying that im annoying when to tell you the truth im really not. I have had a really hard life so far, and i don't want to see a therapist or anything, but today after school i was crying because im not socailly accepted and i really like the school and all, but some of the kids there are so mean to me. also does neone know some good combacks/stand up for yourself or nething
ps i would switch schools but i cant
ps there are only 2 other schools around me (one is a sorta druggie school, the other school i dont no)
ps what should i say to the person who keeps on saying omg your annoying get the hell out of here, etc
please help me i willl rate
please answer all my questions thats in my story and the ps ones (link)
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Ok, let's start with the p.s.: My dear, your ONLY CHOICES are to make peace and get along, or ignore them and move on. Pick one.
It turns out you only need a couple close friends to get by in school and be happy. Nobody's liked by everybody, and everybody's picked on by somebody.
I assume you have a few friends at the school. You aren't hanging out with them tonight. Why not? If they didn't invite you along, then next week ask them what they have planned for the weekend and see if they invite you along. Or ask if you can join them. If they don't want to include you in their plans, MOVE ON. Make some new friends. Remember, you only need one or two close friends to be happy. What appears to be large groups of friends are really collections of small groups of friends--a conglomeration of sorts.
Regarding your ex friend and the bullies, I suggest you opt for ignoring them and moving on. You aren't likely to make peace with them because they don't likely want peace with you.
Dr. Chad
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what does kiss me on my ego mean???
i rate (link)
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Never heard of it, but I would say it's a variation of "kiss my ass". Somehow it's meant to be more creative or clever. But what does it mean? In most literature, "ego" is equivalent to "self" and "identity". Perhaps "kiss my ego" means if you don't like who I am you can kiss my ass.
Dr. Chad
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If you were asked to sign a prenup, would you sill want to get married to that person? I always thought that if you go into marriage with the thought of divorce then it will happen. Signing a prenup is kind of like saying "hey, if this doesn't go well then we can just get a divorce and all my money will still be okay." (link)
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People buy life insurance all the time because in the unlikely event they should die early, they don't want to leave financial and legal difficulties for their family to deal with. Let's say the odds of dying before your family is financially independent from you (children grown, spouse retired w/pension & savings) is 10 percent--a generous estimate. Most people have some form of life insurance to prepare for this unlikely event.
Then there's the divorce rate . . . say, 50 percent. I understand why people want to believe they won't get a divorce, and it's the same reason they don't want to believe they'll die young. But it's wishful thinking with no guarantee.
A prenuptial agreement provides for a smoother transition for the family in the event of a divorce, much like life insurance provides for a smoother transition in the event of a death.
Dr. Chad
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Sometimes I think that people are afraid to tell me how they really feel on a lot of issues. Not only am I very sensitive but I'm aware that I'm a very controlling person. I also have very high 'standards' for my friends. So I'm afraid that they don't feel like they can tell me everything, because I will judge them or I will get angry. Sometimes I even think that my friends are only my friends because theyre scared of me, and they think that having me as a friend is a lot better than having me as an enemy.
How do I tell them that I don't plan to change who I am, but I want them to be honest with me without fear of me judging them or hating them? (link)
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People judge you by your actions, not your intentions. As long as you continue to be who you are, your friends will continue to be who they are AROUND YOU. This principle suggests a powerful degree of control on your part: If you want to change your friends' behavior, simply change your own. You don't necessarily have to change who you are on the inside--just who others see you to be. Naturally I recommend you change inside as well so you don't have to wear so many masks, but you did say you didn't want to change who you are.
This is curious: You demand that your friends change their perception of you (judgemental, controlling, sensitive) while at the same time refusing to change your behaviors that lead them to those perceptions. How do you expect that to work?
Only fragments of the teachings of Greek philosopher Heraclitus exist today. I find this fragment to be a guiding principle:
"A man's character is his fate."
The lesson is not that our character is sealed by our fate, but the other way around. If you want to change your fate (friends who fear/despise you) then change your character. (P.S. If you are a woman, please don't be offended by Heraclitus' use of 'man'. The principle obviously applies to all people).
Good luck. Whether you choose to change or not, you have a long road to travel. Personal change is daunting and filled with setbacks. Don't give up on yourself.
Dr. Chad
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I'm a senior and I just cannot get into school this year. I already have 7 absences and school has barely been going on for 2 months. My skipping school doesn't get in the way with my grades though. All through high school I've been in honor classes and gotten nothing less than a B. What it is messing with though is me graduating or not. They only let you make up a cretin amount of EAs and at the end of the semester I might have too much. I need to get over this senioritis. What can I do? (link)
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Funny thing about victimless crimes: if you don't get caught, and you voluntarily stop, you're life of crime is over and there's no consequence. You walked on the dark side, found out what it felt like, and now you walk again in the light, a little wiser but none the worse for wear.
Your brief foray into truency has been like a rich kid dabbling in petty larceny.
You've had your fling. It's back to the books for you now.
Dr. Chad
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Ok. 13/m. I don't know if this question goes under Families or Work/School Relationships. Sorry it's so long. I'm really worried for my sister (14/f). She just found her first date at school this year. They went to the movies and all. My sister was just sitting there waiting for him to do something. She had her arm on the armrest the whole time waiting for him to hold it or something. She bought Junior Mints "just in case"---didn't use a single one. She could've talked to me. I've been asking and answering Advicenator questions for months now. I pretty much know what's going to happen and the pains she's going to feel. But no. She doesn't like to tell me stuff. Instead, she tells our cousin, who has serious boy problems. Boys rule her life. Her Bat Mitzvah was ruined because her newest ex was there. She couldn't enjoy Avenue Q because one of her exes liked it. She has serious issues. I know that. My parents know that. My sister just doesn't seem to get it, so she talks to her for advice.
My cousin is saying things like "Well, if he doesn't want to hold your hand, he must not be right. Dump him." or "Try rushing him, that usually works for me." I eavesdrop on their conversations because I'm concerned. I want her to listen to me. I've gotten chances to talk to her which I of course took advantage of, but she refuses to understand. She doesn't believe that she'll face hate, jealousy, rejection, etc. I felt most of it first-hand, but as for the parts actually IN the dating, I couldn't get that far. She doesn't think I know enough. Just because I'm younger and haven't actually dated doesn't mean that I haven't felt jealousy and rejection, I haven't been extremely depressed, etc.
How can I get her to listen to me? Thanks.
By the way, don't say to write in a diary. I'm already doing that, but my parents confiscated it last night for writing after dark. (link)
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Most people will reject unsolicited advice.
Try this:
1. Stop offering advice she hasn't asked you for.
2. Apologize for being so nosy and sounding like a know it all.
3. Promise not to push any more advice onto her.
4. Make her one offer: If she ever wants an honest male point-of-view, you are there for her.
5. If she ever takes you up on your offer, first LISTEN TO HER patiently and carefully, and when you finally give her your point of view, use language that shows you are on her side and you support whatever choice she makes after listening to you.
OH, I'VE GOT AN EVEN BETTER IDEA!
6. Ask HER for advice. Listen carefully to her, don't argue with her, and thank her for her advice. Not only does she know things that you don't, but you will be demonstrating the very behavior you would like to elicit from her. TRY THIS!!
I am most interested in you trying #6 exclusively. Simply stop offering her advice. Don't even mention her boy troubles, or her conversations with her cousin. Since you haven't dated yet, perhaps she can offer you insight into the feminine psyche. If you soak up all her advice and put it to good use, she might get jealous that you're getting all these benefits from her and she might want you to RETURN THE FAVOR and actually ASK YOU for advice in return.
Give it time, like a month or so, to develop. Otherwise she'll figure you out and be offended that you appear to be manipulating her.
It isn't manipulation, by the way. Its just an attempt to effect a change in the dynamic of your relationship and can be mutually beneficial if you each receive advice from the other. Manipulation is one-sided, after all.
Good luck, and please let me know how it goes. I'm very curious.
Dr. Chad
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This is not a question, but a welcome!
It is always good to see an intelligent person join the site. Please don't let the teens scare you off. We need more people like you for this site to succeed!
-jbdreamer (link)
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Thank you so much! This is my first experience in a "web community". I plan to stick it out for a while. See you around.
Dr. Chad
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I'm an Aethiest. I strongly believe that there is no god. I respect other people's religions, and I don't try to convert people or anything. Now, I've been in scouting for years. Lots of years. From a Tiger Cub Scout in 1st grade to a First Class scout now (I'm kind of slow with scouting). Anyway, the requirement for every class that says to live the Scout Oath and Scout Law in your every day life is now being enforced. My parents made me describe each part of the Law and Oath in great depth. When we reached Brave and Clean, I was starting to slip up. And then we reached Reverent.
Boy Scouts expects everyone to believe in some sort of god, and be straight. Gays and Aethiests have been kicked out in the past. And since Boy Scouts is a private thing, government can't interfere. People have tried to sue and lost the case. Now, I want to keep scouting. I love being a Boy Scout. Plus, it'll look good on my job application forms when I'm old enough that it won't be against child labor laws. =P So my options are:
a) Quit scouting (I don't want to. Really.)
b) Believe in a god (I'm not going to change my beliefs because of this. It's not in human nature.
c) Lie about my religion (Also against the Scout Oath. Not good.)
So obviously, I'm screwed. What should I do? It's putting so much pressure on me... (link)
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I sympathize with your sticky situation.
Obviously you've learned to think for yourself, since most likely nobody raised you to be atheist. The Boy Scouts is kind of like the Church: they've gotten a lot of things right, but not everything. There's an expression: Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just because the Boy Scouts hasn't evolved with contemporary culture to include atheists and gays in its auspices doesn't mean you have to quit. You've set up a "false dilemma" for yourself, forcing yourself to choose among three equally untenable alternatives. Perhaps you need to enlarge your point of view. Or change it.
Hmm... what if for you God is Nature? Do the verses refer specifically to the god of the bible, or just "God"? If you revere nature and find a sense of spirituality in the outdoors, you would be remaining true both to yourself and to the Scouts, as long as when you speak of God, YOU intend to mean YOUR God, not the Christians' God.
Try Googling "Deist". Many of our forefathers were Deists--they believed a god of sorts set the world up with rules of physics and such, and set it spinning, and hasn't interfered since. This is definitely not the god your friends and neighbors worship, but it was Thomas Jefferson's God.
Of course, we all know the Scouts aren't referring to any other God than the Christian's God, so you'd be a little dishonest.
You know, sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in. Other times, you have to look at the bigger picture and act in your own best interest (ie. your resume/job application).
Perhaps someday the Scouts will come around and become the secular organization they ought to be, and if you are patient and play along for now, you will be in a position to help lead the organization into a new era, even if only by participating as a pack leader for your son's troop.
I wasn't much help. Good luck with your dilemma.
Dr. Chad
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this is really mebarassing but..you know how people make jokes about buttt hair? is it normal to have it? (link)
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Yes. The porn stars shave it off.
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whenever im home alone, or even at school with other people, i constantly act as if im being watched. if that makes sense. and at night while im laying in bed i pretend as if im somewhere else and that im not mearly a student, but that im a secret agent hiding out for the night, or that ive been evacuated from the state because i know too much and im in the white house. im 18 years old..wtf is wrong with me? what do i do?(female) (link)
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Don't worry, you haven't lost touch with reality, since you describe yourself as "acting" and "pretending".
Perhaps you are bored, or lonely, or . . .
Perhaps you have a creative mind, an active imagination. Next time you're home alone and start inventing scenarios, get out a notebook and write a short story. Try to keep it to three pages written/one page typed. It's called flash fiction. Write one scene with only two characters.
See where it goes.
Dr. Chad
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Okay, so my boyfriend and I were hanging out tonight and he kept tryin to like get into my pants, i don't mind because we've been doin that a few times and it doesn't bother me..but now i have my period and i don't want him doing that right now..what should i say to him to get him stop with out him being offended. i dont want him to think i don't want him to do anything any more..thanks (link)
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Since you two are mature enough to be intimate, you should be able to tell him you are having your period (you might choose a different word or phrasing-whatever you're comfortable with).
If he doesn't believe you, then he probably doesn't trust you, which isn't a good sign.
If you're not too grossed out by it, let him find out for himself that you're menstruating if he doesn't believe you. Let him find the pad or the string.
Be honsest with him. If you like what he does when you aren't getting your period, then tell him that at the same time you're telling him he can't do it tonight. Tell him you're looking forward to the next time.
Dr. Chad
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i cut....
it's so addicting and i can't stop. i love everything about cutting but i know i have to stop this...
please help (link)
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Why would you want to stop cutting yourself if you love everything about it?
Do you cut your skin to prove something to yourself? If it is control you seek, the secret of self control is that you are always in control. Cutting is not an addiction, but you may choose to percieve it as one in order to hide the truth from yourself, which is that you can stop any time you want to.
What do you love about cutting?
Why do you believe you have to stop it??
What on earth is wrong with cutting yourself, if that is what you choose to do with your body? (And believe me, it obviously IS what you want to do, or you wouldn't be doing it--make no mistake about that.)
Why did you write to us? Why should you stop cutting???
Nobody can help you. You aren't addicted. You will continue to cut yourself until cutting yourself ceases to serve its purpose.
Does it help you to understand that your "behavior", that of cutting yourself, isn't compulsive, or driven by addiction, but is only a DELIBERATE action on your part?
Ask yourself this: Why do I choose to deliberately cut myself? What do I accomplish? What is the effect of cutting yourself? What does it relieve, or create? If you can discover the answers to these questions, you may gain some insight into your own mind.
All behavior proceeds from thought. What thoughts do you have that lead to cutting, and what thoughts/beliefs/feelings are created/sustained/extinguished by the act of cutting?
Let me know what you find out. Visit my advice column, and good luck to you. I hope to hear from you.
Dr. Chad
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