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Scared
Sometimes I think that people are afraid to tell me how they really feel on a lot of issues. Not only am I very sensitive but I'm aware that I'm a very controlling person. I also have very high 'standards' for my friends. So I'm afraid that they don't feel like they can tell me everything, because I will judge them or I will get angry. Sometimes I even think that my friends are only my friends because theyre scared of me, and they think that having me as a friend is a lot better than having me as an enemy.
How do I tell them that I don't plan to change who I am, but I want them to be honest with me without fear of me judging them or hating them?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
People judge you by your actions, not your intentions. As long as you continue to be who you are, your friends will continue to be who they are AROUND YOU. This principle suggests a powerful degree of control on your part: If you want to change your friends' behavior, simply change your own. You don't necessarily have to change who you are on the inside--just who others see you to be. Naturally I recommend you change inside as well so you don't have to wear so many masks, but you did say you didn't want to change who you are.
This is curious: You demand that your friends change their perception of you (judgemental, controlling, sensitive) while at the same time refusing to change your behaviors that lead them to those perceptions. How do you expect that to work?
Only fragments of the teachings of Greek philosopher Heraclitus exist today. I find this fragment to be a guiding principle:
"A man's character is his fate."
The lesson is not that our character is sealed by our fate, but the other way around. If you want to change your fate (friends who fear/despise you) then change your character. (P.S. If you are a woman, please don't be offended by Heraclitus' use of 'man'. The principle obviously applies to all people).
Good luck. Whether you choose to change or not, you have a long road to travel. Personal change is daunting and filled with setbacks. Don't give up on yourself.
Dr. Chad
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Dear Scared,
You know, what you just wrote on this form is the perfect thing to say to your friends? Just tell them that you don't want to change to suit their wants or needs for a friend, say that you want them to be honest with you without fear. Maybe you should also let down a bit, do you ever come off as intimidating to yourself? Try and put yourself in their shoes, if you were them and had you as a friend would you feel the same way? Your standards may be a bit high so lower them a bit... you shouldn't really have too many standards besides someone who is loyal, honest and you have a good time with., Hope I helped someone!
Love to you from me, Christine
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You have said that you don't want your friends to be afriad of speaking to you but all you have given in your questions is reasons for them to be afriad of your opinions. No reasons why they should open up to you.
It really worries me that not once in your question you said anything like "but I still really love my friends and want them to trust me."
Lets face facts darling, if you can't offer simple reasurances like "I promise I wont hate you just because I don't agree." or "I promise not to yell at you and make you cry" then you don't deserve thier confidence.
This isn't about changing who you are, this is about respecting your friends and thier descisions and trying to be the best person you can be.
Don't tell your friends they can trust you, Show them. Don't judge them or get angry with them over little stupid things and they will be more likely to come to you with the important things.
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Well you can try to trust them more yourself, and tell them about your issues so that you could relate to them.
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