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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Alot to say here,but will start with this,I have a somewhat sweetheart and for as long as I have know,has an obsession with a porn star,I feel.He's always visiting her Instagram,always leaving her comments,always trying to make her feel better,something he has never done for me,yet with this one,it seems frequent,he'll go back and like photos from 2 years ago,etc.likes her Facebook,its goes on and on,is he obsessed? or this normal? My complaint is that his ideas of this woman are unrealistic,and obviously he wont go to bed with her,but he doesnt care.He also watches porn quite heavily
He also leaves comments all the time for other girls,calling them sexy,beautiful,wow this,wow that,it goes on and on
Ive been dissapointed with him for quite some time,as I moved out of state to be with with him,Im very let down,because he still hasnt asked me to be girlfriend,I've seen him for a 5 times in the last 2 months,even though he's just 25 minutes away. He also when I got here though it was a good idea,to go on a date with some woman just a few days after moving here,as he recorded this on his Snapchat,and on top of that he admitted he did go on a date after I confronted him. We have of course talked and kept in touch.
To top this all off,he uses the dating APP Tinder,and what he does is look at profiles and looks them up on Instagram and follows them,I could go on about him.
I dont want to make it sound like I'm complaining,but is this is NOT OKAY with me.Not okay to accept this behavior from someone who is making life plans with you. I think maybe he does have a problem,I know that men will look at women,I get them,but he goes a little above and beyond.Its not my place to judge whether he watches porn or not,I myself,am against it,as it teaches nothing about love,and looses touch with what sex truly means,as I feel is the ultimate expression of love and affection for someone else,not because people do it on camera for money and never see each other again.Anyways,back to him,its quite obvious he wont change,and he'll only get worse.... So how do I stop all this from bothering me,and then let him go,I men honestly,does he really sound like man anyone would want to spend the rest of their lives with?
I worked so hard to move here,I got a job,getting another job and am trying so hard to make ends me,whil he jacks off to porn,plays video games,lives with his parents,and as of current has no car...it goes on.Im more mature and established,and I try to make value of m life. I feel we are just so opposite,and I cant tel you how much Ive cried or how his obsession of his whore has hurt me,how he is always looking around behind my back,Im hurting,and want to know what to do,it isnt fair,and if I say anything,its my fault,Im the one who has the problem and is jealous.It's not my fault he lusts after other women? Thats my problem? No it isnt!
What do I do? How do I handle this? Please,thank you!
The Answer
Are you making life plans with this guy? Really?
Because you say you moved to be with him, but that you are not actually in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and that you don't even see him once a week.
Even if it wasn't for the way he chooses to engage with porn and other women online—even if he didn't do any of that—is this actually a relationship? Gotta be honest, doesn't sound like one to me.
Porn is the least of your problems here hun. Lots of loving wonderful boyfriends enjoy porn. Your guy isn't loving or wonderful to begin with! He's a just shitty guy to be with, whether he watches porn or not.
Don't dump him because you think his porn habits are unhealthy, dump him because he offers you nothing: no commitment, no support, no basic level of adult behaviours at all. Dump him because you are barely with him to begin with.
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The Question
I was having sex with two different men when I got pregnant here are the details which one do you think is more likely to be the father?
My first day of my last period was feb 10
My cycle is 27days
I had sex with guy a on feb 20&21
I had sex with guy b on feb 25
I took a morning after pill with 3 days after guy a but since I waited so long it was less likely to work j think 70-80%
Guy b said he pulled out but that's up to speculation
Using ovulation calculators they are both possibilities....I think guy a has more possibility.
I understand this will raise unwanted comments towards me. I know I messed up I'm 25 and it was a drunken mishap and I'm aware I can pay to have a prenatal paternity test done.
The Answer
So closely togeather, it's really impossible to tell. It may be slightly more likely that the father is the first man you slept with, but there is really just no way to know with any certainty.
I think you are going to have to do a paternity test before you will have any assurances.
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The Question
In the start of our relationship he seemed to be perfect but then i told him about something wrong i did because i felt hidding things will be wrong. I had a boy best friend who was my boyfriend before him but i dated him for one month and was friends with him since two years. One day i was at my best friends house and we got drunk and he kissed me i told him i love my biyfriend and i cant do this. He said i am sorry for everything it is my fault such thing wont happen again. I forgave him. I told my boyfriend about everything and that time he supported me and said its okay but then later on problems started more and he started getting pissed he told me that he hates that i still talk to him and i told him he is my best friend and you wers altight before then later on he forced me to throw him out of my life by beating me and abusing me. I did the same. Later on he started doubting me with every guy and then he started verbally abusing me first called me slut and then hit me again. When i argue with hin that i am not doing anything wrong now he hits me and says you are wrong. He has hit me 20 to 25 times in the 6 month relationship. He is very contolling. I dont talk to any of my friends. I dont go out. I am not allowed to argue. I am taunted always, abused and then beaten up if i share what i feel. He has some major temper issues and he blames me for everything that is happening. He used to beat his ex gfs also as he said they cheated on him and broke his heart. What should i do?
The Answer
Your boyfriend doesn't hit you because you made a mistake. He hits you because he's the kind of guy that hits his girlfriend. Chances are pretty good, that even if you were perfect, he'd still find a reason to hit you.
Most people will never abuse their partner, no matter what mistakes that partner makes. Your boyfriend isn't one of those people. He's an abuser. He is abusing you.
You should reach out for help and escape him. You need to be safe, and far away from him. You need to tell people in your life what is going on, so they can help you stay far away from him.
He doesn't deserve any explanation. You don't owe him anything. You don't have to explain or justify why you are leaving. The ONLY thing you have to do is get yourself safe and stay safe.
There is a national domestic abuse hotline in the US, you can find it at http://www.thehotline.org/
They can help you make a safety plan if you need it.
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The Question
So basically my sister went to a hair salon and 5 minutes into the hair styling the lady was criticizing my sisters hair and giving her hair tips on how to improve it. My sister didnt take offense to that cause it was just hair tips. then all of a sudden they lady asked my sister how many times a day she showers, she said once but twice if shes out the whole day, the lady said shes a women she needs to be showering twice a day and that starting now as homework she must shower twice a day. So a couple days later the lady calls my dad to speak to my sister my dad was kind of weirded out by it but gave the phone to my sister, the lady asked my sister if shes done the homework she has asked her to do my sister compeletly forgot what it was so the lady reminded her that the homework was to shower twice a day. My sister said she does when shes out the whole day and the women got mad and said no you must shower twice a day. So my mom found out and was pissed she said that, that women was using code to say my sister smelled bad, my dad was denying it saying no she was just giving my sister womanly advice and then my mom got even more mad and said how dare she tell my daughter to shower twice a day and then call her to make sure she is doing that, shes basically telling her she smells!!!. Anyways i was wondering if someone said that to you do you think its code for them telling you that you smell or do they just genuinely feel like giving advice, also if you are a mother or a father how would you feel if a hairstylist said this to your child and then called a couple days later to make sure your child was doing what they said?
The Answer
The hairstylist was out of line. I wouldn't go to her again, and if she calls again, she should be told to stop.
Was she trying to say your sister smelled? Probably not. It is possible, especially if your sister is a teenager. Teenager's bodies are going through a lot of changes and sometimes that means having to change your bathing routines to keep up with new sweating and smells. That does happen.
But it sounds like this woman wasn't saying you sister smells, just that she has a very firm idea of what is the right way to clean your hair. (A lot of people would disagree with her too—my hair would be a wreak if I washed it twice a day!) Regardless of what she meant to communicate, the way she choose to share that though, was basically bullying. Bullying a young girl. That is not okay.
Your mom and dad may disagree about WHY the hairdresser did this, but hopefully they can agree it was not okay to call up a young girl at home and berate her. You should all go someplace else from now on and stay away from this woman.
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The Question
Thanks for your answer on my virginity question, I have also googled a lot of articles. I know the hymen is not a sign of virginity, but its used to detect rape and sexual activity in some cases. I also know that no two hymen look the same.
About the fact that it could have been ruptured without any physical activity, that could be true in the sense that when I was in high school, with no form of sexual experience whatsoever, I accidentally poked in my vagina hole when I was having my bath, I was scared to death and ran to tell my friend that I think I disvirgined myself, but she laughed and said it was alright I didn't, so I guess if it was big enough to fit my finger then, then I shouldn't be worried now, it probably came side ruptured almost like a small comic book speech bubble.
About being a virgin, it bothers me cos I'm sort of in a new relationship, and I plan not to have any form of sexual activity whatsoever after my ex, I'm remaining chaste till marriage! I kinda told this new guy I was a virgin, but now that I think of it, with what I did with my ex and how I felt the tip of his D inside me even though it was for one second, and this was 8 months ago, I think I lied to this new guy about being a virgin, should I tell him I've had someone else poke me, it was nothing, but does that not make me a non virgin??
The Answer
I can't tell you if you aren't a virgin or not, because like I said: It's not an objective thing. It's not like having five fingers or three fingers. No one can look at you and tell. It's not a physical or medical concept.
It's about your personal concept and faith when it comes to sexual purity.
If you feel you've been dishonest with your new partner—that you led him to believe that you are 'more pure' than you really are—that is something you will have choose how you address. It's not something I can decide for you, because I don't share your concept of virginity. Nothing you can tell me about your body is going to change that, because it's your beliefs, not your body, that define you in this case.
If you want to be chaste—then be chaste. That's fine. Do that, but don't obsess over this little bit of skin that actually has nearly nothing to do with being chaste.
In my view, in my culture and beliefs, the fact that this is something you even have to be stressed about is just awful. You shouldn't have to feel misery over a part of your body that you have very little control over and that is actually meaningless when it comes to your sexual experience or lack there of.
That's my advice to you: Decide what you believe and then make your decisions from there. If you don't want to have sex until you are married, then don't. But I also have to take a second to address what you said about hymen being used to detect rape and sexual activity—because that's a human rights violation. It does happen, but it should never happen.
The 'some cases' where the hymen is used as an indicator of a woman's honesty are 'some cases' of straight up sexual assault and the worst sort of discrimination against women. There are places where women without intact hymen are denied jobs, not allowed to marry, or banned from making rape or assault claims if they 'fail' virginity tests. This is not something to hold up as evidence of anything good, it's just a horrific abuse of women.
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The Question
Hi, i'm a 24 yr old girl and i've never had intercourse. i've been a virgin all my life except dry humping and the occasional head my ex used to give me.
Now the problem is on one occasion, while humping, i felt the head of his D in me, it is average sized like a menstral cup and it came out immediately, i didn't bleed or have any pain.
When i checked my hymen with a mirror, it looks like a microperforate hymen with a small vagina opening, but when i spread my legs wider and stretch/widen my vagina lips i could see a tiny split by the upper side like a side ruptured hymen although with smooth edges..I'm just confused because I've never checked before until now, so I don't have what to compare it with. I'm a christian and we have strong rules about virginty.
I'm worried...the split is not evident until I spread widely and stretch my vag lips wider....also, I don't know how wide a virgin's vagina opening should stretch....sometimes when I check and spread widely and stretch, it would widen that I think it would fit my ring finger to the second knuckle, i've never tried to put a finger in though, and its not as wide as the cover of a 50cl table water bottle, I'm just freaking out of mind. My hymen looks slightly different from all the pictures online of a virgin hymen, except one when they said it could look like a side ruptured hymen.
The Answer
Your hymen doesn't make you a virgin. Seriously. That's a myth. I'm sorry, because I know it's an important myth to many people, but it's a myth.
Virginity is not a medical or physical concept. It is something emotional and culturally defined. Most people nowadays define it as being about sexual partnership and sexual activity, usually of the penis-in-vagina variety. In the Middle Ages, having had oral sex would have meant someone wasn't considered a virgin anymore. People would even 'test' virginity in absurd ways. They said a virgins nipples point up. Or they gave a woman some wine to drink in a special cup and if she spilled it, that meant she wasn't a virgin.
Looking at someone hymen is no more reliable than that magic cup. Both are silly, irrational ways to define virginity.
Virginity is a cultural story that has nothing to with your hymen. People who have never touched anyone sexually before in their lives can have broken or ruptured their hymen. People who have had full-blown vaginal sex can have a mostly intact hymen. Healthy hymens have gaps to allow menstrual blood and vaginal fluids out. It would be terribly unhealthy for you if they didn't! Doctors can't tell if you have sex or not based on the state of your hymen.
If it's really important to you to know the state of your hymen, you'd be best to get a physical exam and ask a gynecologist, but the best thing for you to do would be to take a deep breath and reflect on your values and what choices you want to make—not to obsess over the state of your body. What you choose to do with your body is important. How visible your hymen is, is not.
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The Question
I'm wondering if it's racist to call a black person chocolate as a compliment. I hear it used in books and stuff often. But I've heard some people say it's offensive. Is is racist? Preferably answers by black people.
The Answer
Honestly, going about commenting on a person's skin colour is just not really a good idea. If someone is looking lovely, or even has great skin, or dressed really well or does their makeup really well, or has a flattering hairstyle. If they are warm and kind, or funny... Any of that. Compliment any of that.
Comment on a person's choice. How they choose to present themselves. The personality they put out to the world. Compliment that.
There is no reason to compliment, or insult, a person's skin colour. It's not always going to be intentionally racist, or even unintentionally racist, but it's also not a real compliment, because skin colour is something no one has any control over. They didn't choose to be a colour you think is pretty—anymore than anyone choose a colour of skin you don't find pretty. You may as well compliment someone on being tall, or having small feet. Those are silly things to compliment. They are not valuable compliments, and it may well be seen as insults.
Some people like to say what really matters is the intention, but that's bullshit and it's everyone knows it if they think about it for five seconds. Just because you intend to be nice, doesn't mean you can't be wrong, or won't hurt someone's feelings. It happens all the time in the world that someone means to say something nice, but ends up saying something that is hurtful, because they didn't understand the other person, that person's life experiences or values.
You don't get to decide how other people feel about what you say. You have to try and be respectful, and listen when someone says you've been hurtful.
So don't listen to that simplistic "It matters what you INTEND". Intention is important, but it's not a magical cure all. You can intend to not be racist or cruel, but still end up being racist or cruel. You can look around very easily and see people claiming that they don't MEAN to being racist—who are clearly being racist.
The easiest way to think about this, is that if you like or admire someone, you can probably think of a much more meaningful compliment to give than their skin colour. That is the easy fix.
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The Question
It seems that a majority of pranks are scripted. And pretty much all the pranks are illegal. For example, a lot of prank youtubers either:
- sexually harass people
- call people racial slurs, or do something racist
- mimmick terrorists (see: sam pepper)
- just flat out harass people.
I've even seen bomb scares! One done to a refugee child was especially disgusting. How does anyone like these channels?
The Answer
Mostly people are assholes?
Well, no. I don't really believe that. I do think most people are basically good, they just forget how to be good when it comes to total strangers, so they laugh at the pain of a stranger.
I'm with you though. Pranks are only funny when they bring as much joy to the person being pranked as the people doing the pranking. It's possible to pull pranks that are just fun and joyful, but pranks where the 'joke' is fear, anger, shame or anxiety are just a form or cruelty.
There are lots of reasons people might enjoy watching others be cruel to each other, but they should watch TV or movies if they want that, not real people hurting other real people.
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The Question
I'm wondering if I should give my company a courtesy 2 week notice that I will be leaving or not. I feel extremely uncomfortable at my work place. I moved in with a coworker of mine about 3-4 months ago and she moved her boyfriend in without telling me and we got into ONE argument about me feeding a stray dog at the house we're renting and they were relentless about not letting the issue go. && quite frankly even before the issue I was no longer comfortable with her boyfriend living there because he was domineering towards me when it came to taking care of the dogs and cleaning the kitchen. He had no sense of respect when he spoke to me so I got sick of it and I told her after the argument that he couldn't live here anymore. So she said okay. And then later she comes back to tell me that her and michael are living together because she loves him. So I said okay, I don't care I'm over the situation, but they weren't because they kept bringing up the situation and making it into a bigger deal then it was. Eventually we talked about how he was speaking towards me and telling me to do this and that without asking me. I told her that it bugged me because that's the different between demanding something from someone and giving them the choice to do it or not. && She said he was wrong and she shouldn't have done that. Okay, that doesn't matter because he's the one that owes me an apology, not her. & Then she demanded an apology from me. These people are so incredibly passive aggressive and I have no idea how to handle them because I'm a straightforward type of person. While I lived with them they were racist towards me and kept speaking in asian accents and telling me that when I take out their dog to make sure to put the harness back on the lead because they dont want to get dirt on it. && Then when I giggled at the fact that they had fancy utensils her boyfriend said, yeah we white folks are fancy like that. I wasn't going to say anything back because I was not trying to instigate the issue any further but sure man, you're really fancy when you need a pretty piece of metal to leave your mouth when your bed is on the floor and the living room and kitchen is a mess and covered with all of your shit. Whatever.
After I moved out I asked her to keep what happened between us out of the workplace and being as the situation was, I had to move back home with my parents since I couldn't find a place in the short amount of time that she gave me to move out. I decided that it would be better to leave the company and give them a 2 week notice. I went and spoke with HR and she asked me to stay instead and that they can work the hours out and to have me come in one day a week instead of 3. (I'm a college student and I'm currently interning with them)
HR calls me a couple of days later to confirm if that was a good schedule for me so I said yes. But it's been about a month since the incident and I think that the issue that happened between her and I are surfacing at work because I can see my coworkers giving me dirty looks for no particular reason when I haven't interacted with them. I can't imagine what kind of stories she made up behind my back to get them to look at me like that. I'm discussed with her and for anyone who even sides with her.
I'm so tired of this company. I'm just an intern and I would hope that my supervisor is more competent about his job then me && He's not. At all. I pointed out several mistakes that took place on our project and he ignored it until he took it to HIS supervisor, and was told that those corrections need to be made. I walked in on a conversation of 4-5 people yesterday and everyone stops talking and looks at me. One girl blatantly laughs out laugh and stops immediately as if she let it out by accident. The more I look at this company the more disgusted I am with it. All of these people who work here are white with the exception of a handful (if even) of people of diversity. Where this company advertises that it's a minority owned company (certainly it is owned by a woman), most of the employees here are white and men.
The Answer
It's always better to give two weeks notice.
Certainly, you should quit, but you should also take a deep breath and recognize a lot of this bullshit it outside of your control, and that you shouldn't lower yourself their level in even the smallest ways. You know you are being bullied and unfairly judged, but snapping back in any way isn't going to make that better, it's just going to be used to justify the bad behavior.
Not giving that simple courtesy can come back and bite you in the ass. Unless you are being openly abused or are in fear for your safety, I'd recommend you give the two weeks and then grin and bear it.
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The Question
I am 21 yo guy and got out of an abusive relationship. She was a total brat and no matter what she always picked up a fight with me and i was always the one apologizing. After 3 years i finally got fed up to such an extent that i left her.the only thing is i lied that it was because my parents will never accept us. She did realize my worth after i left and begged and cried for me to stay but i had enough by then. The drama and emotional abuse got worse. Now we do not talk anymore and i feel really happy but the only thing which bugs me is if she harms herself am i responsible ? I did not want any drama so i lied,was that correct ? In my defense i suffered a lot over 3-4 years.i was fed up and wanted to get out . Help needed.
The Answer
Lying is never kind—it's also not always helpful either, because by shifting the blame to your parents, she might have held on to hope that you still cared for her or wanted to be with her. That's why lying isn't usually going to be the right path. There is no perfect lie. In most cases, telling someone the truth and standing up for your choice to end the relationship is going to be the better and more efftective way to handle the break up.
You aren't responsible if she harms herself, however, if you know there is an immediate risk of that, you should speak to people around her and warn them. That much would be responsible and kind.
If you aren't speaking anymore and have no contact, that's a good thing. Try to let it go.
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The Question
the following happened on 30th jan, me and my guy were naked. his penis was near my vagina. i have never had sex. so i dont allow him to insert his penis in my vagina. he was just touching my vagina with his penis. not totally near my vaginal opening but near the inner thigh and on my belly and he touched once above the clit. in between i was giving him blowjob and he was fingering me too. he came at the end when we were all done. i got my period (atleast i think it was) on 21st february. my period usually lasts for 6 days but this time it lasted for only 4 days. it was red and heavy but not that heavy too. in march i got my period on 31st and it lasted for 5 days. first day i had dark brown colored flow and the flow was less. on second day i had bright red colored flow and it wasnt too less or too heavy but definitely a little less than the flow that i usually have on the second day.
and both the times i didnt have cramps also like i usually do have. no nausea, no breast tenderness nothing. only from past two days im feeling very hungry. yesterday i had leg pain and i feel some discomfort in tummy. apart from that nothing else. am i pregnant? or its just my hormones? please help.
The Answer
You are almost certainly not pregnant.
You are almost certainly, hypersensitive and stressed, and paying unusually close attention to your period.
Relaxing is probably the kindest thing you can do for your body.
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The Question
Okay so I am writing this post argument, might be still a bit angry but here goes.
I am dating and in love with a coworker. The company we are in has absolutely NO policy against employees dating, there are even some that are married. However we are quite high in the executive ladder I should say we work directly for the owner. So when this started because we didn't want our boss to judge or think decisions were biased, we kept it on the down low.
It has been two years now, in which I think our boss already might suspect something ( it has been a long time and he would be blind not to) but he hasn't brought it up. We havent made it public either at work its all professional.
This makes me think it really doesn't matter. The company also doesn't have any of the typical Human Resources department where you have to declare a relationship so we haven't.
Here comes the issue. The company we work for is owned by someone in high society. This is a society that my boyfriend was born into but I just recently came into because of this job. Not that I am poor or anything like that, it is just in a different country, a small country, and I am foreign. People have taken well to me and are really welcoming. However, my boyfriend keeps saying that in this society people are very judgemental and if they knew we worked and lived together they would judge and talk and gossip.
Not being from this country I don't know about this, and also, I don't care what people think. My boyfriend says he doesn't either, and he has introduced me to people , not saying he hasn't, but I keep getting the feeling that he thinks the situation is embarrasing and he doesnt want people to talk.....which obviously makes me not feel so nice.
The fight tonight was over a party, he was invited by some friends, some I haven't met, that are from that society, and he didn't invite or want me to go because of that reason that he didn't want to explain to people we worked and were together.
After two years of this relationship in which he says he loves me, it makes me angry and suspicious he still cares what people think when I know the company doesn't. His argument is that even though they say they don't care out loud they still judge and he doesn't want anyone to mess it up for us.
Now we argued for maybe 20 minutes in which he either saw my point of view or just got tired of arguing ( I cant decide which) and told me ok fine lets go you can come.
But to be honest by that point I didnt even want to go especially when he said " well its not a nice situation to explain to people". I didnt want to go anymore, I just wanted him to see my point. And he did, according to him so he invited me, but I didn't go. I dont want to be somewhere he will be embarrassed to have to explain me. To be honest Im debating wether its ok to be in a relationship someone is emabarrased to have to explain to society. Not his friends or family, they know, its just other people.
Did I act correctly, arguing a point and then not going??? I dont know what is right in this situation because its tricky. On the one hand, I don't buy this selective secrecy, after two years. And on the other, I really love this person and want to give them the benefit of the doubt they want the best for us. But I am not sure anymore.
Also I am not sure if I should have gone, but my feelings were just I really did not want to be somewhere I felt I wasn't particularly wanted, even if in the end he seemed like he agreed with me.
Another doubt is how do I act tomorrow. I stayed home, now I don't know what I should do when he comes home. I am pretty upset over this.
Advice?
The Answer
I can't agree with adviceman. If you are a full, equal partner in a serious relationship, you have every right to challenge your partner on this bullshit.
The pressures he is experiencing are not unique to high society. Those pressures to conform, and to find a partner that conforms to the expectations of your class or culture, exist at all levels of society, rich or poor, liberal or conservative, religious or not, and whatever race or creed you hail from. At some point, a healthy adult must stop compromising themselves (and their partner) to the biases or bigotries of those around and own the life they have chosen.
His feelings are understandable - especially the desire to maintain independence in the workplace - but he still needs to behave respectfully. If he is choosing - not just to date you - but to build a life with you, he needs find a way past his embarrassment and shame and strike a healthier balance.
Your only mistake was that you made a big deal about this particular event, when the argument you were actually having wasn't really about this event. Of course you stayed home. You didn't really want to go that badly did you? This event became a symbol of the secrecy and shame you'd been living with. That's what the fight was about.
You can apologize for the way you fought, but don't apologize for having the fight. This fight needed to happen.
It sounds like you need to ask him some serious questions about where he sees this relationship going, and at what point he will be comfortable acknowledging your relationship in an open and relaxed way. If you get married will he stop this? If you didn't work together? Are the insecurities he is feeling things that can ever be addressed, or does staying with him mean always being kept on the sidelines to some degree?
You might also point out to him that this secrecy could end up demeaning and embarrassing him more than the relationship itself. His refusal to acknowledge that he in a long-term relationship with you in a casual, public way, is tantamount to a public admission of shame and embarrassment. He is putting himself in a weak and dishonest position. A confident and relaxed attitude towards his relationship is more likely to treated with respect by those around him. If he acts shaddy, he is greatly increasing the chances of him be treated by those around him like he is doing something shaddy.
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The Question
I've been singing for a couple of years now, mainly in church and at a couple of weddings every now and then. Over the years I can tell I've gotten a lot better from when I first started and recently I've had this idea to start my own YouTube channel. The problem is, everytime I actually get ready to create it, I start having doubts. I'm not sure if its confidence I'm lacking or not. I'll be so sure about it one day and the next I'll feel like it's a stupid idea and I shouldn't even bother. I really want to try and see how it'll turn out, but at the moment I'm not so sure. What should I do?
The Answer
Start making videos.
That's my advice: Just start making videos. Even if you don't make a channel yet, even if you don't share them with anyone. Start making videos. Make lots of them. Hold yourself to a weekly schedule.
Here's the brutal truth: No matter how talented you are, your first attempts at anything are likely to be kind of shitty. That's just life. Great movie stars make shitty movies. Great writer write shitty books. It happens to the best of us. Nothing will stop it 100% but practice will help.
So if you aren't ready to start uploading things to channel, that's fine, but if you know that's the goal, then start doing the important part: Practice making channel ready videos.
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The Question
Ok so this is a bit complicated which is why I need some advice.
In January I found out I was pregnant , truth is I was using the timing and pull out method both not the best forms of birth control. I am 24 my husband 25 and not ready to be parents so we decided to terminate the pregnancy.
Since then I have been taking birth control and on top of that not having sex because in February we thought it was too soon and he was away on business all of March, until the end. He returned the weekend of the 26th of March and we made love then, and since I have been on birth control he finished inside. We continued to make love that Sunday and Monday in the same way.
The day of my last period was the 10th of March. Since then I started a new pack of pills and the active pills they just finished two days ago. Technically I should be having a period soon in the next three days but I am a little worried that I am not getting signs of it. We made love the first time again only 9 days before my period was due, and on top of that I have been taking my birth control not missing any days. The only thing I may have done is take it a couple hours late one or two days not exactly at the same time. But never missed.
It's too early to take a pregnancy test, is there anything I can do to induce my period sooner?
Are there any chances I may be pregnant??
The Answer
There is always a chance, but if you have been taking your pills properly, it's a very, very slim chance.
Even though you've been taking the pill for a few months, your body is still adjusting. You can't anticipate how it's going to behave on the pill, you just don't have enough experience. Best to take a deep breath. You aren't even late yet.
You can't induce your period and you shouldn't try. Try to relax.
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The Question
my 21 year old daughter is in prison for 10 years for killing her friend when she crashed while she was drunk driving. Her friend was in the passenger front seat. She was drinking too so if she had driven it could have been the other way around
We received an visit from her friends parents who are still angry at us and say that a ten year sentence is too light and it should be longer
Obviously, I have no defense for what she did. She did a terrible thing and ruined her life and is paying for it but ten years seems like a lengthy sentence
The Answer
A court, a judge, and maybe a jury, are the ones that decided your daughter's sentence. This is why we have courts, to be as impartial as possible. We understand that the victims aren't the best ones to decide the punishment, neither are the parents of the person who committed the crime.
You will probably never make these parents feel any differently than they do now. They are entitled to think the sentence was too low. They are entitled to their anger and hate. You can't take that away and you shouldn't try. You don't get to tell them what to feel.
Thier daughter is dead. Nothing you can say is going to change a single thing they believe about that, or their anger or their pain.
10 years is what your daughter has got. I suspect that is within the normal range for these sorts of homicides/manslaughter charges. In most states, the maximum penalty would be higher than 10 years, 15 to 25 is the maximums I'm familiar with. But it still doesn't matter if you think it's too long, or they think it's too short. If it's a done deal then not worth arguing about. No one can be benefited by that. Accept the situation and support your daughter. End contact with this family. It does not sound like you can be part of one another's healing process or lives.
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The Question
Situation: Family Turmoil
Location - Florida
Father buys a house for son. Son and girlfriend of 17 years move in. Currently living there for over 7 years and paying mortgage to the father to date. Father and Son also have a business with the same arrangement for the last 13 years.
Father/son fall out: Father decides he wants out and demands payment in full for house and business. Son does not have that kind of money and has never been in control of the finances. Father was handling all the finances, both business and home. Father has kept son at arms length and had him not only work for free for these 13 years but had denied him medical benefits as well. To be clear, father has never paid the son a wadge for working and running the business for all these 13 years.
Girlfriend/boyfriend verbal agreement has the girlfriend paying all household expenses including (but not limited to) utilities, food, non-food household items, appliances, entertainment, etc...
Girlfriend has no written legal binding to the house or business. There is no lease and she has not been included on any of the house or business dealings. Girlfriend and boyfriend plan on maintaining their relationship as per usual.
My questions are as follows; Does the girlfriend have any rights? Is she entitled to anything regarding the home she has lived in and upheld for over 7 years? Can she be evicted without legal notice, court summons or termination notice?
The Answer
You need to speak to a lawyer.
Your rights will be difficult to determine, and you'll probably need to fight for them, since there is no contract or existing agreement that lays them out.
However, you probably can't be evicted without legal notice, at this point you are likely to have at least something like squatters rights and definitely still have basic protection that any tenant has, and you should not leave the home until all legal avenues have been explored.
Get all your receipts togeather for mortgage and utilities, and then get a lawyer.
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The Question
BACKGROUND:I met this guy on tinder(wow ik so romantic) in November and we hit it off, similar interests, taste in music, quirky sense of humor. Went on our first date in January. He goes to a military college so we can only hang on the weekends but we text through the week(both of us sending 20txts at a time), snapchat, etc. Our relationship has never been defined, neither have felt the need to but it's been going great. To a degree casual as both of us still get on tinder but both of us have said we like the other and neither of us have gone out with anyone else from the app. On our dates We always end up laughing and talking about our ambitions, lives, everything. We always seem to make many plans for future dates based on random conversations we have or things we see.
This weekend we were supposed to go walk around art museums, stay in a hotel, just have a nice weekend together. It was getting close to Saturday and I hadn’t heard from him since Thursday so I texted him asking when he wanted to go. 1am I got a response telling me he recently found out his dad has cancer and that he needs time to process the news. No details and it was very stiff and polite considering the very lighthearted guy he is. I responded that I understood, that I was here if he needed me to be, and that I was sorry for the emotions and pain he was facing. I don’t know how much space to give, if he doesn’t contact me whether or not I should try to reach out. Honestly I’m wondering whether or not to expect him to end things. I really don't want this to happen as he is a really special and important person to me. Honestly everything about the situation is depressing me because there are so many things we talked about doing and it was starting to get more serious. Basically I'm looking for any ssort of perspective. If age matters he's 20, I'm 18
The Answer
You might have to let this go, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't reach out and offer him support and friendship.
At twenty, he is young. Full young to be able to handle his father's illness. It's fine to say that you'll do whatever he needs, but this young man probably has no damn clue what he needs.
You should reach out, with support and limited expectations. He may not enjoy long, full weekend or hours long dates right now, especially if he has limited time to spend with him family. He may appreciate low-key, shorter visits, and food. Can never go wrong giving someone who is stressed good food, even if it's just sending them a box of their favourite tea or coffee beans. That's always a good way to let someone know you are thinking of them.
Cancer is scary, but it 'cancer' can also mean many things, from months to live, to a serious years long battle, to even a not-too-painful treatment that is likely to work. It will probably take a few weeks for your boyfriend's family to even know what sort of cancer treatment they are looking at—if any. You want to be respectful, especially during that period of total uncertainty.
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The Question
Hello,
I'm from Brazil.
I need to clarify that i'm a girl, who had a relationship with another girl, so if thats not something thats not approved here, feel free to not answer.
We broke up a year ago (or more) and yesterday she talked to me and apologized for everything that went bad in our past relashionship (and it was a lot, not just her fault), I did the same thing and then we talked about how our lives were going for the most of the day. Today I started a conversation about a random subject, but that was quick and then we didnt talk for the rest of the day. Now I'm not sure if she just wanted to apologize and that was it, or try and be friends again (which we were before we dated). I dont tend to start conversations and as I did it today, I was wondering If I should try it again tomorrow to see how that goes.
And she has a girlfriend now, even If I dont like her like that anymore its still a bit weird.
Sorry it's so long and superficial, thank you for taking the time if you did.
The Answer
Do you want to be friends again? You left that bit out.
Forget about what she might want for a minute, or have intended. What do you want? If you want to be friends again, then keep on starting friendly conversations. If you don't, then don't start those conversations.
I'd guess that she probably just wanted to apologize and make some peace, but that'd just be me guessing. You have more information about this person than any random person online can ever have, so you should trust our guesses.
If you want to know for sure, you could just ask her if she would want to try and be friends again or not.
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The Question
Hi,
There's a girl in my major who has a lot of classes with me. I use to talk to her because I thought she was a decent person, but after she kicked a girl out of her seat I stopped talking to her. It doesn't make any sense to me when someone comes in 15 minutes ahead of class to sit there and have another person come in to tell them to leave their seat. She's moody anyway and I didn't want to associate with that anymore. Sometimes she was nice and then sometimes she was mean, so I just said whatever and stopped interacting with her. Well in one of my classes she sits in front of me and she keeps turning around to annoy me. One time she said, how come everyone is drinking monster? And I looked around and it was just me and one other guy drinking it. Then she turns around to me and said you shouldn't drink that its not healthy. i said so? I just need to be awake right now. And then she said something about the taste of it and said i should drink redbull instead, so i told her, redbull is the same thing it's just a different brand. And then she said i should drink coffee and its like right there, so she pointed to the other building. And I told her, well the vending machine is right there, and pointed across the hall. She was annoyed with that and the professor came in so she just turned back around.
A couple of days ago I was not in a good mood because I was in an accident about a month ago and my whiplash was starting to hurt again, and not only that but some of the members in my group were not doing any work for the project. So I come into class and she says, you look mad. And I didn't want to get personal with her so I just said I'm normally like this, and she just sat there and watched me and then she goes, you should smile. And that set me off and I yelled at her and I said fuck you just because I don't want to interact with you doesn't mean anything damn!. I noticed some of the people in that class moved over to the other side of the class the next day.
I have no idea how I should handle this girl. I don't want to be around her at all and I want to tell her to leave me alone. I know she's a negative person and I don't want to associate with that at all, but the fact that I yelled at her made me look like a bad guy. I don't want to move seats because I still have other classes with her and if I do it'll seem like she won and she'll probably keep bothering me anyway.
The Answer
You should move seats.
Who the fuck cares if she thinks she 'won'? You are there to get an education, not battle with this bitch. You are not in high school anymore. Move away from her. She may keep bothering you, but it's also pretty damn likely she'll move on to another target.
You don't need to 'handle' her. You need to stay the hell away from her and keep your cool if she does speak to you. She brings out the worst in you. Stay away.
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The Question
I'm 25/f. I can't take my relationship with my family anymore, and I would like to leave the city, but I can't at the moment. Allow me to further explain. Since I can remember, my family has been overly controlling. Since I was about 5 years old, they told me where I was going to go to college... and it was in the same city. They let me know that it was unacceptable to go away for school. You would think that as I got older, the control would subside. But, it has only gotten worse. They tell me who to date, who I can't date, etc. I can't take this anymore.
I was living in the next county in an apartment that I really hated. I hated my job there and the place that I was living. So, I moved back to my county, but got an apartment. I didn't move back in with my family. They hated the apartment I moved into and this prompted them to fix my mom's old house and give it to me as a gift. Mind you... this wasn't solely done for me, but it was necessary because it would increase the value of the house. But, I thought that this was the answer to all my problems. I would be able to sleep at my house and my mom sleep in hers.
A couple of months ago, my great aunt sold her house and moved in with my mom. She was given my bedroom. So, for about a year before I originally moved, I didn't have my own bedroom!!! I had to sleep with my mom. In each of the apartments I had, I had 3 roomates. So, getting my own house felt like I was a queen. Until I actually moved in... and realized that this was just a trap to keep me under surveillance.
My grandmother basically told my mom that she had to stay over with me and sleep there... in my bed... in my room. And that I shouldn't stay there alone. When she doesn't stay, she comes knocking on my door at 7am. She dictates who can and cannot come over. She calls me insistently to tell me that I need to kick out guests. When my best friend of 10 years wanted to stay over because she was too tired to drive home... my mom made me kick her out of the house! This has gone above and beyond what's acceptable. When I told her that I wasn't going to listen to her and that my bff had to stay over or if not she was going to get into an accident... she said I was a lesbian and didn't want anything to do with me. Then, she came knocking on my door at 7am... banging on the doors to wake me up and kick us out of the house because she said a cleaning crew was coming.
I'm so extremely tired. This is not a way to live. I don't want this house anymore because it comes with strings. I told her and she basically told me off and said that they shouldn't have fixed the house for me. Maybe not... but they also shouldn't have given my room away without asking me first. Or just expect me with being ok with sleeping in the same bed as mom without an end in sight.
My family only perpetuates this unhealthy attachment with my mom. They tell me that I can't even put gas in my car without her coming. This family is absolutely dysfunctional and I'm just done. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to sleep in the same bed as my mom anymore. I don't want to have her accompany me to put gas. I don't want her telling me who I can and can't date. I don't want to have to report everything to her like if I was a child. I'm an adult with a full time job and a college degree. Last weekend, I got on a plane and went out of town. I never felt so happy and free in my life. Like I had to be looking over my shoulder. I literally feel stalked all the time. One day, I told her I was at the sprint store and I was literally across the street getting a sandwich. I was going to the sprint store... I just failed to tell her I was getting a sandwich. she literally texted me saying she drove by the sprint store and didn't see me inside. She expects me to tell her every move I make.
I've decided that I want to move away from this city so I don't have to feel that way anymore. But, the problem is that I'm currently in the process of getting my master's degree and I have a year left of school. I need to finish my degree so that I can find a good job to support myself in another city. I can't transfer because I'm already too far into the program and all I need is another year. But, I've realized that within that year, I can't continue living like this! It's effecting my school-work. It's effecting my job. My stomach feels sick all the time and I have to miss days. I need to move to an apartment where I can study and feel at rest.
But, I need help and advice. Staying in my house would mean saving more money. But, is it worth it if I am feeling physically ill and it's effecting all aspects of my life? Is it worth saving money if I can't be an independent adult. Are there any laws to protect me in this situation? At all?
The Answer
Well, if you actually own the home, you could call the cops on your trespassing family members. Actually, even if you don't technically own it, as the principal cohabitant, you could probably call the cops.
Not that I'm necessarily recommending that. That would be radical, but at least feel certain in this: Your mother is harassing you. Criminal level of harassment. You are not crazy, or wrong. What she is doing is insane, and it would drive anyone insane.
You might want to consider talking to the student services or counselors at your school. They may have recommendations or resources you haven't thought of.
Other than that, it really is up to you what you do next. I would think that loosing the money to have a safe space to live would be worth it, especially with the level of anxiety and stress you are describing here. BUt that is a choice you'll need to make for yourself.
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