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Who was right in this argument?
Okay so I am writing this post argument, might be still a bit angry but here goes.
I am dating and in love with a coworker. The company we are in has absolutely NO policy against employees dating, there are even some that are married. However we are quite high in the executive ladder I should say we work directly for the owner. So when this started because we didn't want our boss to judge or think decisions were biased, we kept it on the down low.
It has been two years now, in which I think our boss already might suspect something ( it has been a long time and he would be blind not to) but he hasn't brought it up. We havent made it public either at work its all professional.
This makes me think it really doesn't matter. The company also doesn't have any of the typical Human Resources department where you have to declare a relationship so we haven't.
Here comes the issue. The company we work for is owned by someone in high society. This is a society that my boyfriend was born into but I just recently came into because of this job. Not that I am poor or anything like that, it is just in a different country, a small country, and I am foreign. People have taken well to me and are really welcoming. However, my boyfriend keeps saying that in this society people are very judgemental and if they knew we worked and lived together they would judge and talk and gossip.
Not being from this country I don't know about this, and also, I don't care what people think. My boyfriend says he doesn't either, and he has introduced me to people , not saying he hasn't, but I keep getting the feeling that he thinks the situation is embarrasing and he doesnt want people to talk.....which obviously makes me not feel so nice.
The fight tonight was over a party, he was invited by some friends, some I haven't met, that are from that society, and he didn't invite or want me to go because of that reason that he didn't want to explain to people we worked and were together.
After two years of this relationship in which he says he loves me, it makes me angry and suspicious he still cares what people think when I know the company doesn't. His argument is that even though they say they don't care out loud they still judge and he doesn't want anyone to mess it up for us.
Now we argued for maybe 20 minutes in which he either saw my point of view or just got tired of arguing ( I cant decide which) and told me ok fine lets go you can come.
But to be honest by that point I didnt even want to go especially when he said " well its not a nice situation to explain to people". I didnt want to go anymore, I just wanted him to see my point. And he did, according to him so he invited me, but I didn't go. I dont want to be somewhere he will be embarrassed to have to explain me. To be honest Im debating wether its ok to be in a relationship someone is emabarrased to have to explain to society. Not his friends or family, they know, its just other people.
Did I act correctly, arguing a point and then not going??? I dont know what is right in this situation because its tricky. On the one hand, I don't buy this selective secrecy, after two years. And on the other, I really love this person and want to give them the benefit of the doubt they want the best for us. But I am not sure anymore.
Also I am not sure if I should have gone, but my feelings were just I really did not want to be somewhere I felt I wasn't particularly wanted, even if in the end he seemed like he agreed with me.
Another doubt is how do I act tomorrow. I stayed home, now I don't know what I should do when he comes home. I am pretty upset over this.
Advice?
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You have every right to feel the way you do. It has been 2 years now and he still hasn't acknowledge you as his girlfriend to any of his friend or family. We leave in a time where women marry women, men marry men, what am trying to say is, we live in a world where difference is celebrated and just because you're of different ethnicity or social standings doesn't mean your not worth it. You should ask him to make a choice once and for all, you have been far too patient for far too long. It's time to put you're foot down.
If you have just started dating, his hesitance would have made sense but it's been 2 whole years. I hope you understand what am trying to say here,you deserve better. Make the right choice for you, always choose you.
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A small foreign country? Is this a mixed race situation with your relationship cus heck even in the US, depending where you live, you can be shunned, high society or not. If letting it be known that you are a couple and are living together, might bring death threats against you, it would depend on how safe you think you can remain if you two dating was known and whether local police and laws would protect you.
Apparently its not an issue in the company so my guess is that it would not be an issue in the general public either, only among the richer snob society. If he is beholden to anyone in that society, where his parents could get him fired from his job just by telling your boss to do so and paying him off... then he has to decide whether he loves his job more or you more.
My guess is that all his fears of how you will be accepted are perhaps partly true. If you can live with it and said so, then the only other problem with your boyfriend is whether he is actually worrying about and expecting some kind of hateful retaliation against him or both of you. This again is most likely just blown out of proportion in his mind....distorted thoughts. The more you dwell on such thoughts, the worse you get gripped in the fear that they generate. So his first problem is 1.. A fear of people...an anxiety disorder. He may not have any other anxieties but it only takes one to mess up your life. I had one when younger, social anxiety mixed with a fear of people or more to the point, fearing what others might think. I no longer have that and its wonderful but I can see how he can so easily be gripped in this fear. He wouldn't be the first to go against what high society expects. The reason he isn't is that he has no backbone.
2. He may love you but his fear of the what ifs concerning people of high society is stronger than his love for you.
It was right that you argued your point and won. He gave in but that didnt necessarily mean it was because he saw the light and was fear free. If you are a perceptive and intuitive person, you would still have been able to feel his fear if you went and that alone would ruin the evening even if you felt like going. Now try to imagine him never improving and getting past these real fears of his, being like this until the end of his life. Can you put up with his fears of high society as long as he associates with you?
If you talk to him, what needs to be discussed, would have to be his fear and lack of backbone to stand up to those snobs. And he may also fear losing his own status in society and believe that it is critical to have it and keep it to be able to survive in society, in the world without it. If he doesnt see it as a problem or have a wish to get better and stronger and be rid of this fear, then there isn't much hope for you having anything better than what you already have with him and you may be miserable for a long time and home alone many times. A man should feel proud to be seen with the woman he loves. And it shouldn't matter whether parents approve or anyone else but too many people have gone by the wishes or the rules of others when it comes to what job they train for and work in, where they live and whom they marry. If this isn't you but this is him, something has to change, not you, but him or you may have to be looking for a new relationship, unless you dont mind being as miserable as you already are with growing resentments thrown in for the years to come.
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I can't agree with adviceman. If you are a full, equal partner in a serious relationship, you have every right to challenge your partner on this bullshit.
The pressures he is experiencing are not unique to high society. Those pressures to conform, and to find a partner that conforms to the expectations of your class or culture, exist at all levels of society, rich or poor, liberal or conservative, religious or not, and whatever race or creed you hail from. At some point, a healthy adult must stop compromising themselves (and their partner) to the biases or bigotries of those around and own the life they have chosen.
His feelings are understandable - especially the desire to maintain independence in the workplace - but he still needs to behave respectfully. If he is choosing - not just to date you - but to build a life with you, he needs find a way past his embarrassment and shame and strike a healthier balance.
Your only mistake was that you made a big deal about this particular event, when the argument you were actually having wasn't really about this event. Of course you stayed home. You didn't really want to go that badly did you? This event became a symbol of the secrecy and shame you'd been living with. That's what the fight was about.
You can apologize for the way you fought, but don't apologize for having the fight. This fight needed to happen.
It sounds like you need to ask him some serious questions about where he sees this relationship going, and at what point he will be comfortable acknowledging your relationship in an open and relaxed way. If you get married will he stop this? If you didn't work together? Are the insecurities he is feeling things that can ever be addressed, or does staying with him mean always being kept on the sidelines to some degree?
You might also point out to him that this secrecy could end up demeaning and embarrassing him more than the relationship itself. His refusal to acknowledge that he in a long-term relationship with you in a casual, public way, is tantamount to a public admission of shame and embarrassment. He is putting himself in a weak and dishonest position. A confident and relaxed attitude towards his relationship is more likely to treated with respect by those around him. If he acts shaddy, he is greatly increasing the chances of him be treated by those around him like he is doing something shaddy.
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From my point of view you are both right and both wrong. People in high society are generally big snobs especially people born into high society and wealth. Introducing someone from outside their society takes time and finesse. Lock at Duchess Kate. It took Prince William almost 10 years of dating her to get the British People to accept her. His mother we never really accepted at Court though the people of Britain came to love her for her Beauty, style and how she was raising her children.
Not making any excuses for him he has grown up in this society and while you may not have been poor you are still not one of them because you do not come from there. He was right in wanting to protect you but wrong for saying no after you said you didn't care what the said or felt. I don't think he was embarrassed to have you with him I truly believe it was an act of protectionism on his part.
Where you are wrong is after 2 years of being together and living together of letting jealousy get between you and not trusting him or his reasoning.
I believe you both owe each other an apology. If you apologize first I he should return your apology then you can kiss and makeup. We all know that make up sex is always the best.
My suggestion is that I believe it is time to bring your relationship out of the closet even at work. If as you believe the owner already thinks you two are in a relationship bring it out of the closet won't hurt anything. Being in a management position the last thing he would want is for one of you to leave and go to work for a competitor. Once you are out of the closet at work it will spread through society easier,
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