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BF(ish) just found out his dad has cancer, what to expect/advice
BACKGROUND:I met this guy on tinder(wow ik so romantic) in November and we hit it off, similar interests, taste in music, quirky sense of humor. Went on our first date in January. He goes to a military college so we can only hang on the weekends but we text through the week(both of us sending 20txts at a time), snapchat, etc. Our relationship has never been defined, neither have felt the need to but it's been going great. To a degree casual as both of us still get on tinder but both of us have said we like the other and neither of us have gone out with anyone else from the app. On our dates We always end up laughing and talking about our ambitions, lives, everything. We always seem to make many plans for future dates based on random conversations we have or things we see.
This weekend we were supposed to go walk around art museums, stay in a hotel, just have a nice weekend together. It was getting close to Saturday and I hadn’t heard from him since Thursday so I texted him asking when he wanted to go. 1am I got a response telling me he recently found out his dad has cancer and that he needs time to process the news. No details and it was very stiff and polite considering the very lighthearted guy he is. I responded that I understood, that I was here if he needed me to be, and that I was sorry for the emotions and pain he was facing. I don’t know how much space to give, if he doesn’t contact me whether or not I should try to reach out. Honestly I’m wondering whether or not to expect him to end things. I really don't want this to happen as he is a really special and important person to me. Honestly everything about the situation is depressing me because there are so many things we talked about doing and it was starting to get more serious. Basically I'm looking for any ssort of perspective. If age matters he's 20, I'm 18
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The occasional text every so often saying "Im here" and "Hope You are Doing Better" will suffice. If he asks for space, give him space. It will be difficult, but your relationship is new. So naturally he will talk with and open up to the people he has been around longer. So give him time. Pray for him every now and then. Be patient. He will give you a sign when he is ready to talk. Good luck!
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Iff you're feeling depressed, just thinking about losing him, then perhaps in some way you can imagine what he is going through, thinking theres a chance of losing his Dad. While at some point, we all lose our parents to old age, we never expect it to be due to some terrible disease. I remember the day we went to see Mom in the hospital after she'd gone in for extreme pain and finally Drs. decided to do some real tests and discovered she had advanced liver and pancreatic cancer. If you've ever heard an expression of feeling like your heart just dropped to the floor, thats what I felt, like an instant plummet to the floor where hopes were dashed. What sucked more is that in her case she'd been going to her family Dr. with the same pains to a much lesser degree for 8 yrs I think and her Dr. kept telling her nothing was wrong and it was all in her head...imagined like a hypochondriac. If only she had gone for 2nd opinions elsewhere...but she never told us or I'd have mentioned that.
Just as I had a little story to tell, there is a story for every family who has someone with cancer.
As mentioned those who catch it early may have a chance of beating it. Also the type of cancer has some say in whether its easier to recover as I've heard some people say. The standard treatment of chemo and such are very harsh and while they may cure cancer, the treatment in the end can kill those who are weaker to begin with or older. There are newer more natural less harsh treatments for cancer that are gaining popularity that heal cancer too but do not kill so much of the bodys cells along with the cancer. There is the treatment that is naturopathic, high doses of vitamin C intravenous several times a week I believe but don't quote me on that, just trying to remember what our naturopath explained as to why he was leaving family practice to focus on doing this kind of cancer treatment. I've read much also about cannabis used as a cancer treatment, but not the thc part that makes one high, just other components. Not to deal with pain but actually cure. I don't know of anyone who was cured by alternative means but its something to look into.
You could research and find all this info on line and pass it on to the guy friend. When we get the bad news, we are stunned and walk around in a daze for a while, our minds unable to think positively and start really looking at ALL means of treating cancer to recover from it. My husbands mom went to another country at a time when the US didn't use these alternative methods as they werent approved yet. She always recovered but eventually due to being a worrywort, she brought back her own cancer. She was totally cancer free on many occasions and one of her treatments along with others was meditation. Since her chronic worrying wasn't addressed and fixed, she got sick again and again. I never got to meet her as she finally said she was tired of the repetitive cycle and opted for no treatment the last time and died. So I know alternative treatment works. But its so hard to witness a family member going through something like this because you hurt in other ways just experiencing life day to day that isnt the normal carefree life you had before. Its a real struggle to be there for the loved one, help and support them in any way all while wondering what if the treatment doesnt put it in remission or cure it? The statistics are still of more people dying of cancer than being cured of it.
You've said you are sorry which is the best thing and only thing that can be done. If he's the type of person who wants or needs the support of having someone to lean on, or of having some normalcy restored in his life, by focusing on whatever his routine was, which includ
ed you, some of us, like me, were able to get by even tho nothing got better for Mom.
I can't say how much time he will need to himself. What you might do is write to him and let him know he doesnt need to write back until he is ready. It could be months, or until his Dad recovers or dies and he's over his grieving. Drs said my mother had 6 months but she lived 6 more yrs. Perhaps he will at least read your emails, even tho he may not have the emotions or mentally be in a place where he can respond or even want to. Dont think its you he is rejecting. Everyone takes such news differently. I hope all goes well for you both and His father is restored to health.
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most Cancers are a treatable disease when caught early. My wife is a Breast Cancer survivor and we are convinced that attitude is 90% of the cure. Part of a good attitude is having good support.
Our friends, family and coworkers let us have a day or two to adjust to the news then the did not allow us to sit around and wallow in self-pity. Your BF needs your support just as much as his dad needs the support of his son to help beat this disease.
Of course at the moment neither of us know what the diagnoses is. But even with the worst diagnoses the doctors have been proven wrong and the cancer has reacted well to the treatment. Here again it is the attitude of the patient and the support system they have around them that makes the difference.
My suggestion is this. Reach out to your BF. GO visit him let him know you are there and he can lean on you. GO with him to visit his dad and while visiting don't be a guest be helpful. Help his mom with whatever she is doing. If his dad needs any type of care help your BF care for him and give his mom a break. Being a caregiver is very draining for the care giver. Both your BF and his mom will appreciate you help and you BF when he takes the time to realize it will also know how much you care for him and his family.
Right now he is in shock. Just the word cancer can send shockwave through us. This is probably where your boyfriend is at now, devastated and in shock. He really needs a shoulder to cry on which he can't do at a Military academy. If it is possible for you to go to him that is what I suggest. Don't wait for him to ask you to come to him.
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You might have to let this go, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't reach out and offer him support and friendship.
At twenty, he is young. Full young to be able to handle his father's illness. It's fine to say that you'll do whatever he needs, but this young man probably has no damn clue what he needs.
You should reach out, with support and limited expectations. He may not enjoy long, full weekend or hours long dates right now, especially if he has limited time to spend with him family. He may appreciate low-key, shorter visits, and food. Can never go wrong giving someone who is stressed good food, even if it's just sending them a box of their favourite tea or coffee beans. That's always a good way to let someone know you are thinking of them.
Cancer is scary, but it 'cancer' can also mean many things, from months to live, to a serious years long battle, to even a not-too-painful treatment that is likely to work. It will probably take a few weeks for your boyfriend's family to even know what sort of cancer treatment they are looking at—if any. You want to be respectful, especially during that period of total uncertainty.
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