I am an advice hound. I love to give advice, get advice, read advice columns. I love telling people what to do ; D
Truly, I have a love for people and an honest desire to see every individual excel and succeed in their personal lives, to shed themselves of as many burdens as possible and enjoy this strange and terrible and wonderful gift that is LIFE
Location: Los Angeles
Occupation: advice guru and life coach
Member Since: June 9, 2009
Answers: 900
Last Update: February 5, 2012
Visitors: 32929
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Nope I don't think he's married!!! I don't see a ring on him ever (link)
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More to the point, do you see his wife with him in church? Lots of married guys don't wear rings. Look, no matter what, this is a situation that has a lot of potential to blow up in your face.
1. Male pastors should NEVER EVER EVER meet alone to counsel young women. EVER. I question his judgement for doing this. As a pastor he is held to a higher standard than others. He must not conduct himself in a way that encourages rumors, whether they are true or not. Even the hint of scandal can cause his followers to fall away. That's why the Bible says a man should not lead unless he is prepared to be held accountable for every soul he shepards, because his actions can cause people to look on God with bitterness and resentment.
2. Its very common to develop feelings for someone you are counseling with, especially if you are sharing very private things. Professional therapists encounter this often and must refer clients to other therapists if they develop feelings for them. So before you get all crazy you need to ask yourself honestly about where your feelings come from.
3. Its sleazy to flirt with your pastor. Sorry. I'm not saying you're sleazy, I'm just saying that's what people think and that's what people will think about you and you can say you don't care what other people think until the s**t hits the fan and you've got no one to believe your side of the story (whatever or whenever that may be) because you've tarnished your reputation on a crush.
4.Its a pastor's job to be caring and tender. You may be misconstruing his natural affections for something more. Its nothing to be embarrassed about. A lot of young women get confused by this.
Just leave it alone. If you are truly, genuinely attracted to this guy (and he's NOT married) then cease counseling with him immediately. Ask him to refer you to an assistant pastor or other church leader. Do this during the day, with the office door open, while others are around. Avoid all suspicion. If he asks you why, just be honest... you're developing an attraction for him and you don't think its appropriate to carry on with one on one counseling because it is clouding things. You'll learn a lot about him and his feelings by how he reacts.
How do I know all this? My father is a pastor. He has always been clear about rules regarding females in his congregation, and he has always made it clear what the boundaries are. He does this because he truly cares about people and their relationship with God, and he doesn't want to ever hinder that by looking inappropriate. And because of his obedience, he is one of the most respected and honorable men I know.
So tread lightly. I'm not trying to kill your buzz, I'm just trying to keep your feet on the ground. That way you won't get so caught up that you start making decisions that are bad for you and everyone around you.
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I want to grow my hair like two inches longer by august would be nice. I was wondering if there is any vitamins or other natural ways to do it. I've heard certain vitamins make your hair grow pretty fast. I was wondering what these are, if there safe, healthy, and if they have any other effect on you. Thanks! (link)
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Head into any beauty supply store, like Planet Beauty. There are many many products to help grow long hair.
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I have a round face and have round thick eyebrows, do you think high arch eyebrows will look better on me? (link)
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Yes just not so high that you look like you're always surprised.
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Hello i have been looking at tattoos for a while and i havent found one that i've liked. I'm thinking about putting it on my ankle. My names ashley and i want to have something incorporated with that. My friend has a nice design it spells her name upside down as well as the normal. I thought that was a neat idea. I dont really have a certain thing i like the most, anything really.. Another design i want is something for a couple. My husband and I just got married and i dont want to have his name tattooed on me or anything, but if we had like just a little matching tattoo, but i havent found any like that either. I rate :)
Thanks for all the help guys! (link)
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I say go for something that has a special meaning for you both. Like the first word in "your song" or maybe it was a special place or special date, maybe a favorite word or picture. Make it about you guys, not some generic symbol that anyone can walk into a tattoo shop and get.
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Hi,
I just want to know how well the No! No! hair removal shaver, but I guess not shaving, system thingy works.
Has anybody used it? Can you help me before I spend the money on a No!no! of my own?
Thank you! (link)
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It sucks. Sometimes if its too good to be true, it really is.
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I really love how my hair feels after a nice haircut and styling. It's really soft and doesn't tangle in the wind. Know what I'm talking about? Well I was wondering how I can achieve this look at home. (link)
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Keep your ends trimmed well. Split ends add to the dryness and frizz. Also use conditioner and blowdry. I also use a hot oil treatment once a week. V05 is great! Its cheap, you can use it once a week and its awesome. I promise you won't be able to stop touching your hair the first time you use it.
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So, in late December/January, I cut my hair to short length - the back was to the nape of my neck and the front a little past my shoulder, so a longer angled bob. Now, it has grown out to a grown out bob (makes sense, doesn't it? :P) and I am totally clueless on different ways to style it, besides straightening it everyday. Straightening it everyday damages my hair and I want it to grow faster instead of getting split ends and not growing much. My natural hair also makes the ends of my hair flip outward, away from my face, and I hate it. Any tips on how to style it so that I don't have to use a straightener or heat tools and the flipping out of my hair does not occur? Thanks so much! (link)
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I don't know the exact texture of your hair, but there is a line of products called "Frizz Ease" and they have everything from mousse, to shampoo, to gels, to creams - you name it. They are great styling products. They reduce frizz and even help you find textures in your hair you didn't know were there. Try experimenting with different products. Sometimes they can make your hair look totally different. But I strongly recommend Frizz Ease. I think you'll do well with those.
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I've had a major crush on my pastor. I met with him for advice spirtual he was advising me but also flirting with me via eye contact!!! He also walked me to the car when it was done! I've been thinking about him ever since!!! I want to tell him how I feel but yet I'm scared!!! I need some advice
(link)
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Wait... is he married?
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So my gf left me for her ex. About 2 weeks after that she started textin me and finally asked me to come hang out. So I did and ended up staying 2 nights. Had great sex, she told me she did have sex with her ex but pictured my face, knows she made a big fuck up, would do anything in the world to have me back in her life that we could and would make it together this time so I was gonna give her another chance but I needed time to get her trust back. She didnt understand what the wait was for and felt I was givin her the run around. I wanted to tell her the day after i left there in person i did wanna try again, but she went to her exs house and stayed the night. she said you expect me to wait on you forever im gonna be with her i just think its for the best and I do love and care for her. This was a week ago. She just now put on her myspace shes in a relationship and like 2 pics of her ex and one of them kissing. I left her a comment that said never let go of us, she hasnt deleted it and I am still on her top friends list. I do wanna be with her in time but what should I do? Not to mention her ex kicked her out of the house and if it wasnt for family shed be homeless. (link)
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Am I wrong or is this the third time you've posted this question. You're clearly not getting the advice you "want" to hear. If you are determined to undermine yourself, your self-esteem, and your future by giving yourself to a girl who keeps giving herself to other girls, then at least own that decision, but don't keep looking for people here to validate your choice. Its a bad relationship. Get out or accept that you are too weak to move on. Either way, I don't think you're getting what you want from us here.
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16/f/uk
I'm really interested in this guy. I saw him around college a few times and was very attracted to him, then found myself in a situation where I was with him and a lot of others for an hour. Although we never directly spoke to each, there was a lot of eye contact, secret smiles, eyeing each other up, him watching me etc.
Problem is, he has recently got a girlfriend. Like I said, we've never spoken to each other, & I hardly get the chance to see him.
He goes to the same college as me, I know some people he knows (though not well), from his fb profile I know we have similar taste in music. I've added him on facebook but we havn't spoken.
How can I pursue him? (link)
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Don't. He has a girlfriend. You can't have everything you want whenever you want it. And if he was your boyfriend would you appreciate some other chick trying to roll up on him? Leave it alone. Its not for you. If he ditches the girl, fine. But for now its a bad idea and it will only make you look like a *witch*, and I'm sure that's not who you are.
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My boyfriend & I are starting college this fall. But, (we haven't picked schools yet) chances are our colleges are going to be hundreds of miles apart.
My dilemma: I have no idea what the hell we're going to do when we have to live in different states. I don't know if i'm going to be able to put up with a long distance relationship. It's not that I don't want us to be together, I just don't think I'll take the time apart well. What can I do? Do long-distance relationships EVER work out? How much more work are they?
Also, how can I talk to my boyfriend about this without it sounding like a sugarcoated version of "i dont' think we'll last past high school"?
(link)
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I tend to believe long distance relationships rarely work out, especially when you're talking about two young people heading off to college. You are going to discover so many new things about yourself, and meet so many different and interesting people, you are going to be changing soon, and its hard to maintain a relationship when both people are moving in different directions. But, that being said, you haven't even decided where you're going yet, and you don't know if you'll get accepted. So don't get too far ahead of yourself. Cross that bridge when you get there. For now enjoy the time you have together. When you have a more definite idea of where you will both be in the fall, that's the time to sit down and have a talk about what you expect in the future and what you want. Good Luck
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Long story short... guy I like asks me to a party at his house. It's a 'housewarming' for his new housemate, who I've never met. This guy and I don't know each other that well.. we were friends through my ex and have been bumping into each other a bit at college recently. Anyway he invited me in person and told me he'd send me the facebook invite after I asked him to, but he hasn't... even though he's been online. I won't see him at college before the party and I'm wondering if I'm actually properly invited or whether he just being nice. Like I said it's technically for his housemate who I don't even really know. This party is like, my chance to actually get with this guy but I don't want to turn up if it's going to look weird. I also forget exactly what day it is. Will I come across as desperate if I send him a facebook message asking for the details? I don't want to come off too strongly, just in case he only invited me as an after thought. Or should I just forget about the whole thing?
thanks.
(link)
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Guys aren't organized like girls. While you would send out the FB invites like you said, he probably thought about it, but then figured it was good enough that he just told people. He invited you in person, I think that's better than the FB invite. I wouldn't even sweat it. Just go and have a good time. Bring a friend for support if you're worried about not knowing anyone. But its a party! The more the merrier. That's how it works!
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20/f, dating a 20/m
My boyfriend and I have been dating for just about two weeks now, and I'm very very happy with him. But I'm really anxious about discussing sex with him.. in my last relationship, we rushed into sex and slept together after only 10 days. It set an unhealthy precedent for our relationship and this time I really want to wait. My new bf and I have made out, but that's it. He's too polite and shy to bring it up, but I know its on his mind, judging by his attitude when we're making out and it gets pretty heavy..
I don't want to rush into sex, but I'm not sure how to start that dialogue with him. I don't even know if he's a virgin or not, and I really want to know but I don't want to just ask him and make it seem like sex is the only thing on my mind =/
How do a start the sex conversation without embarassing each other or being weird? Do I wait? What do I do?? Thanks in advance! (link)
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Yeah, this is an awkward one. But you're just going to have to suck it up and approach it. Its obviously on both your minds. You need to lay out the expectations before you go too far one night, and you won't have the time to stop and think about it. It might seem weird at first, but you will feel so much better, and even a little more free, once you've established expectations. You won't always have to be wondering what he's expecting. So just come right out with it. There's no good way. When your alone just say "I think we need to talk about sex". Yeah, its going to be awkward and embarrassing. There's no way around that. But that will wear off soon. Good Luck.
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17/f
so there's this guy at my school that I think I kinda like. I feel soo dumb for havin a sort of crush bein 17 but I can't exclactly help it. Okay so the problem is he doesn't have a facebook an I don't have his number so i don't know that to do...I have pe with him but I don't know how to just go up and randomly start talkin to him. And how would I get his number if I did because I don't wanna seem like a creeper. We have hung out once before at my best friends block party but thy was a while ago and we barely talk. I get the feelin that if I were to take initiative that he would want to talk to me but I just don't know how!!! Please help I wanna talk to him but don't know how to go about it! Thanks in advance!! (link)
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Best thing to do is find a way to talk to or hang out with some of his friends. You need to get on his radar, but you don't want to be pushy. So start talking to some people that you know are his friends. Say hi to them, maybe ask them about something. The point is, its easier to talk to someone you don't have a crush on. Then he'll at least see you around and start to know who you are, and then maybe a conversation will start. Good luck.
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My husband and I have been married for a little over 2yrs. He is 36 and I am 28. He is Israeli and I am originally from Canada though I now live in Israel and we speak mostly Hebrew. I mention this b/c it could be a contributing factor to our communication problems and difficulty connecting on deeper levels. My Hebrew is good but it doesn't compare to mother tongue.
We have a 1.5 year old daughter who we both love very much and neither one of us wants to get a divorce. We are both good people with good intentions but we are constantly getting into fights and arguments on a daily basis sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Its like we really don't along. One of the main causes of conflict is that I am super sensitive to critism. I suppose I have some healing work to do because inside I sometimes feel like I'm not ok. I need a lot of love and acceptance from my partner. He is very critical and he admits this. When he comes home and says even the smallest critism I get defensive and upset. I can't hear any criticism. For example, today I made a special lunch for us. He came home and asked me if I had made the avocado salad and I said no b/c I wasn't sure if they were ripe enough. He said, oh I thought you were going to make it. I could feel the disappointment in his voice and quickly felt the stab of criticism- that I wasn't good enough b/c I didn't make him what he wanted. I know I have my issue but it seems he always aggrivating it with his comments- like the food being ready on time, enough salt, hot enough, chicken undercooked for his taste (not really undercooked). Every time I feel defensive and that I'm trying to please him and its never good enough. I always feel a bit nervous about what he will say about the food, and then when he criticizes (and there is always some kind of comment) I defend. My ex-boyfriend used to always praise everything I did- I wish my husband was like that. We don't go to regular counselling but we have a Rabbi who gives us advice. He told me to just try to ignore my husbands comments and not take them personally b/c its his own vomit. It sounds good in theory but in practice I'm on the defensive like a war zone.
Examples of other issues: today when he came home he said he was really hungry and wanted to eat right away. I started getting the salads into serving bowls (they were already ready)and put them out one by one. He wanted to be respectful and said he wouldn't start eating until I sat down at the table. I told him that wasn't necessary and to please start eating and I would join soon. He refused. I said please, please start eating its less stressful for me if I know that you have started to eat. He refused. I started to feel very stressed about the situation and begged him to please start eating that it would make me feel better. He could see I was getting stressed but he wouldn't eat. Then he kept saying 'watch how you're talking in front of the baby, don't talk like that and took her to the other room. I told him I would relax if he would just please sit down and start eating, feeling a lot of pressure to be a 'good wife' etc. He wouldn't. Finally I sat down at the table though was very upset by this point and could hardly eat. Perhaps I was being a bit stubborn and need to change this. on the other hand so was he. I really felt stressed and wanted him to start eating. This all led to a lot of very unpleasant feelings, unhappiness, anger and frustration. This is just one example. We are always getting into conflict- trying not to, and then it happens anyways. I don't know what to do- this is no way to live or to raise a child. Can this marriage be saved? Our marriage has been like this since day 1. Any feedback is appreciated- thank you. (link)
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Yes, it can be saved. I've known couples on the edge of divorce who have worked to save their marriage and now they are close and so much happier. But it took hard work. And outside help. You said you've seen your Rabbi, and his advice was good, but there are other issues at play here. You need to see a professional, be it secular or spiritual. Does your Synagog have a marriage counselor or team you could meet with? If not, ask your husband if you two could go to professional counseling. You must ask him in a time of peace, not when you are fighting, but when things are calm and quiet. And then you must be calm and quiet. Try not to be emotional. Tell him plainly you are worried about your marriage and in order to be the best family possible for your daughter you would like to seek help. If he resists, tell him he would be helping you be a better wife and mother. It may be a bit expensive, but in the end, can you put a price on your marriage? I know for a fact that people can change and so can marriages. They change all the time. Couples who prepare themselves for those changes have the best chance at surviving. If your Synagog offers "marriage classes" of any kind, take them. Think of it as preparing yourself for coming change. I do hope you are able to find peace, and even happiness. Remember, if you quit too soon you just might miss some truly amazing things.
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hi i am a 19/f, and i recently befriended an older boy in my class. he's 24/m. Well we started talking in class,and we would talk about the class or i would ask about him. well anyways we started talking on facebook as well cause i added him. and outside class when he saw me he would smile at me. So i thought maybe he liked me but was too shy to ask me out. In class one day we were talking, and he told me he was a fitness trainer and i didn't believe him so he gave me his business card, and it had his cell phone number on it. i texted him a few days later and he didn't recognize my number, and i told him who i was and then he said that he didn't think anyone would text him that late, and i said i hope you don't mind. And then he said that he did be cause of his girlfriend, and also because he said he uses it for business purposes. I was very disappointed because i thought he liked me. i told my therapist about how i liked him and she told me since i am not allowed to date, to only make friendly conversation with him, but instead i ended up calling him and making a fool of myself. And when i told her what happened she said that i shouldn't have texted him so late or even at all since i wasn't even allowed to date. She also said that he was only trying to be friendly, and that he wasn't shy like i thought he was, but he was never interested in me. And if he was he would've already asked me out. She assured me everything would be fine and im just a little naive. I really wish i wasn't so how can i change this? Also how do you know if a guy really likes you and isn't just shy? Because im super embarrassed, and i plan on sitting with my other friend for the rest of the semester. please help!! (link)
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I'm pretty sure you already posted this question, and I'm pretty sure the answers you got all said just relax, everybody does embarrassing things sometimes, just ride it out and learn from it. But quit obsessing about it! You're just going to make yourself feel worse. If you keep thinking about it you're going to stress yourself out. You need to learn how to learn from your mistakes and not punish yourself so much. And don't contact this guy anymore. He's clearly creeped out... you don't want to be THAT person!
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my boyfriend of nearly two years was a total ass to me ever since i got mad at him when he cheated on me so i eventually broke up with him. its ben over a month and i should be getting better by now.. i was totally over him and fully better i even went on two dates, until i listened to a song my ex did guitar and sang for on recording which i wrote the lyrics, so i broke and cried so hard. i havent written any music since we broke up maybe five weeks ago, which writing was everything to me along with painting. he even still has my three best paintings at his house im to akward about it to ask for them back..
how can i get over him better? i know the usual stuff but what else could i do??
how can i start writing again, it reminds me too much of him and im just at a writers block i dont have a clue where to start??
and what do i do about the paintings, i guess its ok if he keeps them as long as he keeps them safe and not ruins them especially on purpose..? (link)
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You're a songwriter? Write about this! What a perfect opportunity to write about some of the issues that are affecting you the most. Everyone can relate to heartache. Start writing down some of your feelings about this break-up. Not only will it be therapeutic, but you may also help other people who are going through the same thing. Draw inspiration from your experiences. Its how you learn in life.
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I'm tired of living in my parents expectation and acting in a certain way, im 18 years old and i know i dont really know about the world a lot but really, i just want to have fun with my friends and do something spontaneous with my friends but i seem like i cant do it because i constantly have to worry about family lecturing me how i go out a lot or going home a lot what can i do about this? i feel really im controlled and i dont like it but i dont have a guts to say that. (link)
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This is the reality of living at home. Their house, their rules. If you want to be a mature adult, you have to live like one. You need to save your money and MOVE OUT! If you're worried about the expense, find a roommate. When you can prove you are a responsible adult, chances are your parents will start treating you that way. Get out of there and be your own person. You'll never regret it.
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im female 16.
just over a year ago i came into contact with my real dad we have never gotten along he moved half way around the world to remarry and have another kid as he forgot about me but hes still my dad and i miss him awhile ago he was diagnosed with a lung disease and i was told he had 6 months to 6 years but yesterday i got a message saying hes not doing too well and they dont know how much longer he will have i dont know how to deal with this im scared to talk to my mom cuz they always just fought and i dont feel comfortable talking to my stepdad i just dont know and im having such a rough time with it.. Please help me..
Sleepiesheeep (link)
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This is such a difficult situation for a girl your age to deal with. Its not very fair, but I guess life isn't really that fair. Your dad was wrong to leave you, and it doesn't sound like your mom has been that supportive of your feelings about him. However, now your dad is dying, and things are changing. My dad also left before I was born. I was 10 before I met him, and it turned out he wasn't that great of a guy. Not horrible, but just sort of cold and distant. Very disappointing. However, he's my father, and you can't just turn off your feelings for the person who is half responsible for bringing you into this world. When I was about your age I realized that I was full of hurt and anger towards him, and for good reason, of course. However, I also realized that my anger wasn't really hurting him as much as it hurt me. I made the decision to forgive my father. It was hard. I didn't really feel like doing it, but every time I felt myself getting mad or hurt toward him I reminded myself that I forgive him. Sometimes I even just said it out loud to myself. Forgiving someone doesn't mean forgetting about how they hurt you, it means you've decided not to treat that person the way they deserve to be treated. Your first step in all of this is learning how to forgive your father, not because he deserves it, but because you do. Then you need to contact him. This will be the hard part, but you're going to have to talk to your parents. Talk to them together. Sit them down one evening, when things are calm and normal, and tell them you've been thinking a lot about your dad dying its really having an affect on you. Do your best not be emotional about it. You'll have to talk to them calmly. Write down your thoughts if that helps. They will be more likely to listen to you if you are calm and mature about it. Tell them you think its important that you contact him and just get some closure on your issues. If they resist you, tell them you know its hard for them to understand because they see your dad as another adult but you only see him as your dad. Whatever issues they have with him are between them. You can't be expected to hold the same grudges that they do. Your relationship with him is different than theirs. If they still insist you not see him, write him a letter. Listen, no matter what happens, you need to express your feelings to your dad. You may never have the opportunity again, and if something happens to him you'll always regret never taking advantage of the opportunity. I wish you the best of luck. I promise that if you can find a way to forgive your dad, and even your mom, you will begin to feel a lot better about a lot of things in your life. Good luck.
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I went to a bar last night with my boyfriend, my best friend and her guy friend. My friends guy friend drove down to meet us (He lives 45 minutes away) While I went to pick up my friend she told me that her guy friend had intentions of spending the night at my apartment if he gets drunk. (Which I had no idea until she told me..) I was a little upset about that. However, Around 11:30pm My friend's guy friend already had about 4 beers and was a bit tipsy. I happened to run into an old prick from high school (Rob) Everything was going well until (Rob) tried talking my friend's guy friend into getting drunk...(I wasn't fully paying attention, I was playing pool) Then it happened that after the 4 beers he got tipsy and (Rob) asked me if it was okay if Mike spent the night at my apartment, I told him it was not okay because I was already taking my best friend in along with my boyfriend. (Rob) Then pressured me and my boyfriend into letting the guy stay at my apartment and how if he got in an accident on the way home it would make us feel awful and as if it was somewhat our responsibility. (Rob) and I went back and forth for about 20 minutes after I continuously said No. I also explained to Rob that it is not my responsibility to take in someone who drank to much and that my friend's guy friend was perfectly aware of his intake. (Rob continued to talk me into letting him stay insisting I was friends with the guy and was up in my face about it making me seem cold hearted for turning it down. I eventually got tired of it and told Rob (I'll go outside and talk to him about it) Just so he'd back off but instead Rob followed me and my boyfriend into the parking lot...By this time I was extremely upset I had already been talking to Rob for about 35 minutes and I had intentions of leaving the bar (until Rob followed me out) I explained to my friend what was going on but she was a little tipsy herself. I was put under extreme pressure and I was not sure how to handle it. Basically, My friends guy friend got tipsy with intentions of sleeping at my apartment....and Rob made it seem like if I didn't let him spend the night I would be a cold hearted bitch and if he gets in an accident it would be my fault. Ugh... How can I prevent this if it were to ever happen again
Thanks (link)
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Next time do exactly what you did accept don't stand there arguing. Just tell them no one asked you ahead of time, you don't have the room or the desire, and his decisions are not your problem. He can sleep it off in his car. You did nothing wrong. They just assumed you'd be ok with it and they didn't even ask. How rude. Like he HAD to stay at your place if he was drunk... PLEASE! He could have slept in his car, or why didn't Rob offer up his place or a friend's place? Give me a break. Just chalk it up to a misunderstanding and tell your girlfriend you were uncomfortable having a drunk guy you barely knew staying overnight at your apartment. Then just drop it. You can't change anyone's mind. If they think you're being a bitch then that's just what they think. You know you're not and you know you were right.
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