My husband and I have been married for a little over 2yrs. He is 36 and I am 28. He is Israeli and I am originally from Canada though I now live in Israel and we speak mostly Hebrew. I mention this b/c it could be a contributing factor to our communication problems and difficulty connecting on deeper levels. My Hebrew is good but it doesn't compare to mother tongue.
We have a 1.5 year old daughter who we both love very much and neither one of us wants to get a divorce. We are both good people with good intentions but we are constantly getting into fights and arguments on a daily basis sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. Its like we really don't along. One of the main causes of conflict is that I am super sensitive to critism. I suppose I have some healing work to do because inside I sometimes feel like I'm not ok. I need a lot of love and acceptance from my partner. He is very critical and he admits this. When he comes home and says even the smallest critism I get defensive and upset. I can't hear any criticism. For example, today I made a special lunch for us. He came home and asked me if I had made the avocado salad and I said no b/c I wasn't sure if they were ripe enough. He said, oh I thought you were going to make it. I could feel the disappointment in his voice and quickly felt the stab of criticism- that I wasn't good enough b/c I didn't make him what he wanted. I know I have my issue but it seems he always aggrivating it with his comments- like the food being ready on time, enough salt, hot enough, chicken undercooked for his taste (not really undercooked). Every time I feel defensive and that I'm trying to please him and its never good enough. I always feel a bit nervous about what he will say about the food, and then when he criticizes (and there is always some kind of comment) I defend. My ex-boyfriend used to always praise everything I did- I wish my husband was like that. We don't go to regular counselling but we have a Rabbi who gives us advice. He told me to just try to ignore my husbands comments and not take them personally b/c its his own vomit. It sounds good in theory but in practice I'm on the defensive like a war zone.
Examples of other issues: today when he came home he said he was really hungry and wanted to eat right away. I started getting the salads into serving bowls (they were already ready)and put them out one by one. He wanted to be respectful and said he wouldn't start eating until I sat down at the table. I told him that wasn't necessary and to please start eating and I would join soon. He refused. I said please, please start eating its less stressful for me if I know that you have started to eat. He refused. I started to feel very stressed about the situation and begged him to please start eating that it would make me feel better. He could see I was getting stressed but he wouldn't eat. Then he kept saying 'watch how you're talking in front of the baby, don't talk like that and took her to the other room. I told him I would relax if he would just please sit down and start eating, feeling a lot of pressure to be a 'good wife' etc. He wouldn't. Finally I sat down at the table though was very upset by this point and could hardly eat. Perhaps I was being a bit stubborn and need to change this. on the other hand so was he. I really felt stressed and wanted him to start eating. This all led to a lot of very unpleasant feelings, unhappiness, anger and frustration. This is just one example. We are always getting into conflict- trying not to, and then it happens anyways. I don't know what to do- this is no way to live or to raise a child. Can this marriage be saved? Our marriage has been like this since day 1. Any feedback is appreciated- thank you.
Sweet_LiL_Angel answered Thursday April 1 2010, 5:10 pm: your relztionship can be saved but you need counsling and he needs to do his part in being a good husband for you to be a good wife. my husband and i argue you once in a while but i think you have post partumum depression have you been like this since you have had your daughter so emotional.. i had it only for a couple weeks after i had my daughter i would just start crying for no reason.. look into it. [ Sweet_LiL_Angel's advice column | Ask Sweet_LiL_Angel A Question ]
dearcandore answered Wednesday March 31 2010, 3:42 am: Yes, it can be saved. I've known couples on the edge of divorce who have worked to save their marriage and now they are close and so much happier. But it took hard work. And outside help. You said you've seen your Rabbi, and his advice was good, but there are other issues at play here. You need to see a professional, be it secular or spiritual. Does your Synagog have a marriage counselor or team you could meet with? If not, ask your husband if you two could go to professional counseling. You must ask him in a time of peace, not when you are fighting, but when things are calm and quiet. And then you must be calm and quiet. Try not to be emotional. Tell him plainly you are worried about your marriage and in order to be the best family possible for your daughter you would like to seek help. If he resists, tell him he would be helping you be a better wife and mother. It may be a bit expensive, but in the end, can you put a price on your marriage? I know for a fact that people can change and so can marriages. They change all the time. Couples who prepare themselves for those changes have the best chance at surviving. If your Synagog offers "marriage classes" of any kind, take them. Think of it as preparing yourself for coming change. I do hope you are able to find peace, and even happiness. Remember, if you quit too soon you just might miss some truly amazing things. [ dearcandore's advice column | Ask dearcandore A Question ]
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