gigi313's advice column

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Q: People and documents that might help answer your question:
I want to ask you if you think my friend is anorexic. I never met her due to the fact that she was my online college professor (I took online courses) - but we became telephone and pen pals. Tonight I was talking to her about the models whose bones stick out and how the modeling world is tryng to stop that and how some of the models are anorexic and one even died recently. And her remark: You can never be to rich or to thin; MY QUESTION: IS that anorexic thinking.

(I AM VERY THIN BUT MY BONES DO NOT STICK OUT)

Yes, that line about being too rich or too thin is used by anorectics to make people laugh and take the focus off. It's just impossible to tell for certain whether your friend has anorexia over the telephone or through a letter, but if she's being honest about her diet, I would be as worried as you are. Since she is an adult, the only thing you can do to try to help her is to talk to her. She may try to laugh it off again, or even get disproportionately angry at you and tell you to mind your own business...Oh, she may be very very hateful. Anorectics have changed "brain chemistry" from lack of nutrition, and thus unimaginable mood swings.
Think carefully before saying anything, because she has a responsible job and there are many people who see her every day. If truly ill there is no doubt that someone who sees her in person has tried to do something about it before.
Best of luck. God bless. gigi

Q: I'm a 15 year old girl and a huge tease. I also like to brag about my life with guys to my friends. I think it's because I used to not be able to get a guy and I'm still very insecure about it. I think those insecurities are manifesting themselves in what seems like overconfidence. What can I do to be more secure with myself?

As long as you're being truthful and not embellishing anything, it's okay to share with your friends. Just make sure that you're not doing it to make yourself look better than you are, because anything but the truth can hurt your friends for a lot of reasons. Confidence--as long as it's based on reality--is a real asset in our society, but few of us are born with it. Most of us have insecurities; the trick is to practice being confident--and that's what you're doing! Just don't make things seem more important than they are--that's not fair to anyone, especially to your self-esteem. gigi

Q: Okay, this is long so be prepared. Let's call this guy Fred. He's in 11th grade and I'm in 9th. Obviously, I really like him. Heh so we met like at the second month of this school year? I really don't know how because I didn't know him and vice versa...but like one day out of random he hugged me at lunch saying "She's a cutie." to a friend that we both know. And after that, I was walking to lunch with my bff and the friend that we both know and Fred were like "Come stand in line with us." and I was like why? And his friend and Fred were like "Because you're pretty/beautiful." And my bff was like "He likkeeess you." btw, my bff is a guy that's gay. Anywhos, then after that he puts his arms around me [not possessivly but rather like cute-ly?] haha. Twice he almost got in trouble for it. Also, during one of the [strings] concerts, he was backstage waving at me frantically =P He also calls me a nickname he made me, cute, pretty, and beautiful a lot. He also gives me bear hugs and always gets up to stand with me when I go over to his lunch table. Last time he was like "You're tall for a girl." and I was like "Hmmm, I'm still shorter than most people." and he goes "I'm still short" [yet, he's still taller than me XD] I go "You're not short. You're taller than me." and then he goes "Well, I like tall girls. Do you like tall guys?" and I was like "Why not?" Haha anyways, do you think he likes me, or what? Tell me the truth. I won't give you 1's because I didn't want to hear the answer.

Of course he likes you! I can read that in every line that you wrote...everything that he has done shows it. Turn it around...if you were saying/doing that stuff with a guy, what would be your motive? In fact, I think he's really putting himself on the line for you, bravely, because if you were a bitch you could really make him look like an ass.
So give him a break. When you let yourself believe he likes you, then you'll relax and give yourself permission to enjoy it all! gigi

Q: How in the world are you supposed to tell a guy is being mean, or mean flirty nice.. you know?

This guy has been well mean/flirty? to me, since the sixth grade, and I find it cute.

But I dont know if he really is just being mean, or if he likes me.

THe easy answer would be that he does,
maybe i'm over analyzing?

Well, he certainly is paying attention to you, and if he didn't like you, he wouldn't! Since you probably blush, smile, or come back with a few lines of your own (or any combination of the three), he's getting feedback from you that you enjoy the banter.

If he's just being mean, it would be easy to find out (ask yourself if you really want to know, or if you'd rather have "fun" with the back-and-forth first). When you are alone and see him--and he's alone-- smile and say, "Hi, how's it goin'?" There is no way to answer this in a mean way without "meaning" it. He could come back with a clever or witty remark about having a shitty day or whatever, but I can't envision any scenario in which he could be mean to you when you ask this question unless he's a mean person...and if he is, you can put your time to better use.
Please let me know how this turns out. gigi

Q: Okay. My exboyfriend is acting really weird. We broke up right before Christmas, and we have a great relationship, and we love to argue. The weird thing is, he's acting like before we went out. He asked me to audtition with him for the school musical and asked me to a party, but then said he was inviting some "hot" friends from a different school. What does this mean????

This sounds alot like something I went through a few years ago. This guy and I broke up, and he said he still wanted to be friends and do things together. Since we're not kids (he was 38) I didn't think it was a "line" to make breaking up easier...I believed him (!) and called him from time to time to ask him to Karaoke Night (we both enjoy this), to see a movie, etc. He never accepted and never called me to initiate anything, so I guess that it was just a "dump" line.
When I read your question, the actions of your ex reminded me of how I acted at that time. My thinking is that he still likes you and wants to do things with you. The "hot friends" may have been thrown in there so that you wouldn't think he was asking you on a date and say "No". Good luck! gigi

Q: Hi there!
it's me.. thanks for answering my question!
RE:On Handjobs
my bf is 24. he's a virgin. he knows i love him and really want him to enjoy. do you think he feels guilty? i've seen him cum too.. it wasnt my doing but his own :( when i do it, he never cums..

He might feel guilty, or just guilty about having you do that to him. Have the two of you had oral sex? If he is still a virgin at 24, he either has very strong moral beliefs about sex (it would be a good idea to check with him about this) OR he has some hang-ups. Moral beliefs range from believing that all premarital sex is sinful to only becoming close to someone you're sure you love. Perhaps that is the case, and he's never been certain of his love for someone and didn't want to take advantage of a girl he didn't know 100% he was in love with.In any case, you really should talk about it in a non-threatening way, because he could be self-conscious about it all--or he could feel guilty allowing you to manually stimulate him if he isn't doing the same for you (Is he?). In any case, he's holding back by not having an orgasm and that's rough on a guy.
If you want to talk about this some more, I'm here for you. gigi

Q: 16/f

my freshman year i got accepted to one of the top performing art schools in the nation for vocal performance!! i was so excited!! ever since i heard about it ive wanted to go....My dream ever since i could remember was to be a singer...when i attended school for the first few weeks i noticed that there was a music male teacher that i would always catch looking at me....about 2 months into school, he told me to stay after class because he wanted to enter a song id written in a major record label contest. I walked into his room and he told me to sit on the piano bench and he'd be right back. So i did as he said and got my music out and waited. When he came back he shut the door and locked it he said that he locked it "because he didn't want to be bothered with the janitors" so i didn't think anything of it, kinda thought it was wierd (music rooms are soundproof) but anyway, he sat down next to me and placed his hand on my upper thigh and said im so proud of the progress your making in my class, you're deffinately going to acheive your dream and go somewhere with your talent" he put his arm around my shoulder and acted like he was grabbing my music, and he pushed it off the side on "accident" so i bent down to grab it, and as i bent down he grabbed my butt. and i told him to stop. but then he sternly said, "if you want to pass the class and win the comptetion you'll let me do what i want. Trust me, you want me on your side. I can give you everything you want." I sat back down, giving him another chance, hoping he would stop, but it just got worse as time went on. Long story short, he ended up raping me.
When i threatned him that i would tell, he just said "do you really want to leave this school?? you're parents would take you out of here and you wouldn't get ot pursue your dream anymore." and after i thought about it i realized that i wanted to be a singer more than anything else, and this school would help me out so much. So i continued to put up with it...
This situation has been continuing on and off for about 2 1/2 years now. I haven't told anyone, becuase i don't want to run the risk of anyone finding out becuase then i wouldnt be able to go to this school anymore. I just really feel like i need to talk to someone, but i don't know who to talk to. I don't feel comfortable telling my boyfriend, bestfriend, or anyone whats going on.
What should i do? I want to continue achieving my goals, and the school helps out with this alot, but at the same time i want the abuse to stop. I'm sorry this is so long, thanks so much for taking your time to help.

Honey, you absolutely MUST take steps to get out of this situation. And yes, that means you must tell someone. I don't know if you're in a high school or a college, but you could talk with a guidance counselor or dean about the best way to handle this. Most likely, they will enourage you to let the school handle the situation, as they will want to avoid bad publicity. If you are over 18 you could go directly to the District Attorney and press charges. If younger, you should go to your mom.

I know that you are terrified that you will have to leave school because of this; is this because your parents will make you leave? The school can't force you to leave, and the Pervert will be gone. Are you afraid of how the other kids will treat you if you tell, either because of the sex or because the Pervert is popular? Try to look at this from a point outside yourself. Even if you must leave this school for your own reasons (remember: the school can't do anything) you have an excellent chance to transfer to another school--perhaps a better one. It's heartbreaking, but you are truly prostituting yourself as it is now--"selling" sex so that this teacher doesn't--what?--fail you? Or just so he will "give you everything you want"? And if you don't do something to stop this, it's going to happen to other girls. You know it will. You probably weren't the first.
Okay...you're still scared stiff and are too ashamed to let anyone know. Well, what could this guy really do to you if you shut him out and said NO? If you keep your papers, you can prove your grades. If you have him for a performance class or a songwriting class, is he the only teacher in that discipline, or could you transfer to another class?
I can imagine what you are feeling...and it's hard to be brave. If you can't be as brave as you should be, I'd first say no, then go to the counselor (do this to protect yourself from unfair grading). These are the least you can do. And then get some counseling, because your self-esteem has taken a beating. (You can find free counseling. Call the Board of Health to find out who/where to call). Good luck, and I'll say a prayer for you.
The one thing you must not, can not, do is...nothing. gigi

Q: Hi!
I have been giving my boyfriend handjobs, but he never cums. No matter what i do or how i do it, he just says it feels good. Sometimes if i've been doing it for quite sometime, he'd just say it's time (for him) to rest, then he just goes back to kissing me. Is there something wrong here? What does this mean?

I was wondering how old he is, and if he has a lot of sexual experience. Sometimes even boys feel guilty about sex--and sometimes they feel guilty only about certain girls, or certain sex acts, or certain sex acts with certain girls...No man would ever admit to it, but maybe he has never "cum" in front of anyone before! It could be anything really.
Don't let it affect your own confidence. Respect his wishes, but also do what feels right for you. You might mention how much you enjoy giving him pleasure...Good luck! gigi

Q: for my moms wedding, my present to her is that im going to sing .. does anyone have any good songs .. the wedding isnt for awhile but i want to pick a song so i can practice =]

My daughter gave me the honor of choosing the songs at her wedding. One that we used might appeal particularly to your mom, as she's likely close to my age. It's "Grow Old With Me" by John Lennon. I heard it on a Mary Chapin Carpenter CD, but it's been covered by many artists. Also, the man at the music store I ordered the sheet music from told me that two arrangements are available: one for a more "alto" voice, and the other more soprano.
Some lyrics:

Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be
When our time has come, we will be as one
God bless our love, God bless our love.

We also used "One Hand, One Heart" from West Side Story (it gets into a high range), and the traditional Bridal Chorus and Mendelssohn's recessional (because when I got married, I didn't do anything traditional!)

My advice is to choose something meaningful, but also not too difficult to sing, so that you can enjoy yourself instead of worrying. Good luck!
Gigi

Q: I know i'm getting an ear infection, i've had numerous growing up so i know what they feel like without having to be told by a professional. My mom is supposed to be making me a doctors appointment to get something done about it, but hasn't had the time to make the appointment. I really need to do something about the pain. Does anyone know of an over the counter medicine or at home remedy for an ear infection? I'm seriously willing to try anything.

Also, how can you tell if your getting strep throat or something of the sort. My glands on the right side of my throat are swollen and it hurts severely to swallow. I was told this could be causing my earache, or vise versa. Does anyone know how to get my throat to stop hurting also?

Thanks!

If you live close to the Mexican border, you can buy antibiotics without a prescription. You would need 10 days' worth of most antibiotics to clear the infection. I don't recommend this.

Nor do I recommend home remedies. My mom used to put warm oil in my ear and it HURT. An ENT doctor later told me that it had caused a small loss in hearing as well.

If 800 mg. of Advil (that's more than what is listed on the box...it's the prescription dose) doesn't help your pain, then the only thing that will is a narcotic which must be prescribed by a physician.

Nag your Mom until she makes the appt...it's important to you!!! gigi

Q: i love my bf 2 death bit i dont like kissing him is that wierd? like bein around him i get butterflys but kissing him its like eh nuthing. is it bad that i told him this? and duz this mean i dont reely like him?

Kissing is the important key to a relationship, I think. Prostitutes even charge more for a kiss than for intercourse, because it is considered much more intimate. Consider: do you have romantic feelings for him or simply deep, deep friendship toward him?
I am a grandmother; I was a single mother for a long time and I have dated a lot of men (I even married one.) In my personal opinion, if you don't want to kiss him, then those "butterflies" are nerves--maybe you're even fearing the inevitable kiss!
Of course, none of this applies if the reason you don't want to kiss him is that he has bad breath from smoking, etc. Buy some tic tacs to share in that case, and enjoy the feelings that only come with a loving kiss. Gigi

Q: okay.female here.
well i`m 17 almost 18.
i`m short like 5 foot or 5'1 who knows really alot of people think 4'11 but i honestly don`t know.
well my current weight that i know of it 118.
pants size is usaully 3-5 i porbably should wear a 4 but those suckers are hard to find.
i`m not completely unhappy with my body just my stomach.
&& i want to lose a few pound to make that stomach look better.
i have love handles thats my main thing i hate.
people say i should not lose weight because of my breast. they are a 38 d.
so i want some ideas on wat you think i should do.
i have an ab louge would that be good.??
& i love food so yes that would be hard to be real strict.
so thanks alot

Exercise is the fastest way to take care of those abs. As for dieting: If you are 5 feet tall you should weigh ABOUT 100 lbs, with 5 lbs. added for each 1 inch. This is for a healthy body, not for an anorectic body such as those seen on actresses, etc.
I'm not certain what the problem is with losing weight and your breasts. My daughter, at your age, was a 36DD. I tried to encourage her to get a breast reduction because breasts as large as hers will eventually give her back problems. Your breasts aren't that large.
If you're worried about getting smaller breasts with diet, don't. You would have to be on a starvation diet to do much about them...at least until you have a baby. (Breasts do weird things during and after childbirth).

Good luck! And if you lose weight, do it very slowly...you just don't have that much to lose.
Gigi

Q: Past 2 nights I've very cramped up & light headed. I'm due for my period any day now because of my signs of getting my period- tender breast, cramps, pmsing. Do you think it may be causing dizzyness? I've never had dizzyness like this before. it's not pregnacy either cause i'm still a virgin haha.

Welcome to the wonderful world of PMS!!! This dizziness is probably due to anemia. If it continues, you'll have to get a prescription from the doctor. Other symptoms can include migraine, bloating, and general bitchiness. You may have all or none of these symptoms from month to month. If your cramps get really bad (mine did) your doctor can give you a prescription to take for a week or so each cycle. Good luck! gigi

Q: Ok this might sound like a very ODD question but when me and my boyfriend are like making out or something, not even getting hot and heavy, i tend to get REALLY wet really fast, then by the time we do start getting hot and heavy and he wants to do something, its kinda embarassing because im so wet down there already. I soak through jeans sometimes. And It's highly embarassing. Anything i can do?!

Don't be embarrassed...I'll bet your boyfriend is pleased that he turns you on so much. And you are lucky to be so responsive.
Since there's nothing you can do to "turn it off" except make it with a guy you're not attracted to, try to relax and enjoy it, knowing that you'll never have to buy KY jelly and "fake" being turned-on so as not to destroy the guy's ego! (I was always more embarrassed by the sounds made by the wetness than by the wetness itself!) Gigi

Q: I'm a virgin, I used to play a lot of sports and ride horses, now I'm not really into that stuff. It kind of has feeling, but not really...it's hard to explain, it's very faint, so it's hard to classify how it feels. I don't use tampons, and it's right above my vagina opening...

OK, you rode horses. This tissue could very well be the remnants of your hymen. That's the tissue that sometimes covers the vaginal openings of virgins. Athletic girls, esp. horseback riders, are well known to have torn hymens and it doesn't mean you're not a virgin anymore.
I wouldn't worry about it, or even give it another thought, unless it starts to hurt or seems infected. The next time you see a doctor, have her or him take a look, and that will really put your mind at ease. The remnants of a hymen can be snipped away.
Don't be afraid that you have some strange growth. I'm sure you'll be fine. Gigi

Q: I wasn't really sure what category to put this under, and it's kind of embarassing, but I really need to know...so...I have this weird, fleshy string-like thing coming out of my vagina, and it's always been there. I have no idea what it is and I was just wondering if this is normal or what? What is it?!

Before I can answer, would you tell me a few things about you? Are you a virgin? If not, when did you first have sex? Are you athletic?
Does the "body part" have any sensation...pain, whatever? How far does it stick out? Do you use tampons? Lastly, are you sure it is coming from your vagina? Don't be afraid to be absolutely truthful; I'll help you as best I can. Promise! Gigi

Q: I wasn't sure what category to put this in so sorry if this makes people mad I just wasn't sure. Well I (f/16) have been writing poetry and short stories for a few years and have gotten special recognition and first place titles in local contests. Well I want to see if maybe some of my work can get published and I don't know where to begin.

The Writer's Market lists places that accept manuscripts without agents. It will tell you what publications need, what types of writing they want, and what they pay. This book is available in the public library. A special Writer's Market is available for Poetry. (Poets aren't well-paid, but when you ARE paid, you'll be entitled to call yourself "professional".)Note that some literary magazines, especially those publishing poems, pay only in copies of the magazine.
There are also some good Internet sites.
Gigi
P.S. My first poem was published when I was 8 years old. My first PAID poem ($5!!!) was published many, many moons later. It's a tough market.

Q: ohkay well im horrible at starting conversations and so is my boyfriend. and i feel like and idiot when were sitting around not talking about nothing. hellpPP?

What interested you in one another in the first place? You must have had things in common to talk about. I think that if you just relax and let yourself be You, conversation will flow spontaneously. Don't obsess about it, don't plan it out. (I used to write down subjects to talk about--what a geek).
Sometimes, too, there just isn't much to say. Not every day is full of fascinating events that you can't wait to share! If the two of you can get to the point where you feel absolutely comfortable with the silence, I think it's a real step up in the relationship. (Of course, if this is an everyday occurrence, it could be that you just don't have a lot in common. In that case, you must make a choice between working to find new interests together, or breaking up.) Being comfortable together while being yourselves is a hallmark of a good relationship! Gigi

Q: ok. if your so called "BEST FRIENDS" never called you, always stood you up with phone calls, and made you feel like you weren't their friend, what would you do?

I had a Best Friend all through school who was just like that. Thinking back, "Best Friend" was like a title we had for one another. It was definitely not the truth. I had many other friends I did things with, confided in, called on the phone, etc.
But my Best Friend and I did stay in touch. And 30 years later, she admitted something that I was always too blind to see about her. She told me that, growing up, she always had to be the Center of Attention.
And when someone is the Center of Attention, she doesn't rely on one person to be a friend. Instead, she relies on superficial qualities that put her into a better light.
So keep Best Friends like these in your heart, but don't depend on them for the companionship of a Real Friend. Actions definitely speak louder than words. And P.S. I'm sure you know this: the best way to have a friend is to be a friend. Love, Gigi

Q: i LOVE singing. Everytime theres a song on that i like i sing. I really want to become a singer but im not sure if im good enough. I always sing in the car when my parents are there but they dont say oh wow your good, but the dont say im bad either. I record myself but my voice seems really low so im not sure if its me or the recorder. When i sing out loud and i hear myself i think i sound really good. A couple of my friends said im really good. Also my sister and I were playing this game because i wanted to see what she would say about my singing and she said i was great but im not sure if thats true because shes only 9. So what can i do to see if i sing good and also what should i do if i want to become a well known singer?

sorry this is long.
thank you so much :]

When I was a teenager, I was just like you. I loved music (I played the guitar, piano, flute and clarinet, and wrote songs)--but above all, I loved to sing.
I lived in a small town and had no opportunity for singing lessons. I sang in the chorus. I knew I was good, people told me I was good, but I was so shy that I, to turn a phrase, put my light under a bushel basket. I was too fearful of having someone tell me my dream of singing would never come true that I didn't do anything to make it come true.
All talent aside, I could never have made it as a singer for that very reason. You must have enormous confidence in yourself to put yourself out there--to risk "it all" for the dream you have.
In an interview, Stevie Nicks said that her parents agreed to give her a period of time (it may have been a year) to go to LA and try to make it in the music business, after which she would come home and go to college if things didn't work out.
Well, Stevie didn't have anything to "fall back on", but she did do pretty well for herself!
So put yourself out there in every way you can: school and community productions, even the church choir! Take voice lessons. (If you live in a small town the chorus teacher will probably give you private lessons for a fee.) After you've finished school, you'll be ready to go after your dream: LA (Rock and Roll) or NY (Broadway) or Nashville (Country). "Fall back" on the waitressing jobs you'll probably have to take to make ends meet at first. (Trisha Yearwood began as a receptonist at a record company, eventually sang on demos, and then was "discovered".)
It's a rough business. Many would tell you to only risk it if you can't do anything else (that is, wouldn't be happy doing anything else).
ALSO: audition for American Idol. Why not?
Best of luck to you, and much success. Gigi

bio

I have had what I term a "soap opera life". In other words, I've seen it all. Almost.

I work in health care and I'm as old as the hills (not that old, I guess--but I'm definitely not a kid) so feel free to ask whatever you like.

NOTE: I AM NOT MY OWN FAVORITE COLUMNIST (SEE BELOW)!!!! I just hit the wrong button...