gigi313's advice column

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Q: 13/f
I'm in 7th grade and he's in 8th and I used to like him, I used to stare at him a lot but never talked to him. So finally one day I got up the courage to talk to him about how I felt because this girl was sending around rumors that I liked him. I wanted to tell him it wasn't true, but he wouldn't even answer me! He was with his friends, and I don't know if he thought he was cool or something, but I wasn't impressed. Not that he was trying to impress me. So then my friend goes up to him and says "she wants to know where you live!" and i dont really wanna know! hes kinda poor and all and he doesnt live in much of a house, thats what i heard. so he mightve been insulted or thought we were trying to make fun of him. she went up to him out of no where, i tried to stop her. we werent making fun of him, i tried to talk to him but he just wont answer. he always talks to his friends so i know hes not immute or anything. but he acts so mad around me! when i pass him in the hall he just looks away really fast! hes afraid of me, he hides behind his friends, not in a joking way. but when hes not with his friends and he sees me sad or something he looks all guilty, and i dont know im confused. so then my friend went up to him and said "youre a disgrace to humanity!" as if that was going to help. im sorry that this was really long but thanks for reading this! so anyway he just laughs at us and keeps walking. is there anything i can do and what can i do to make him think im not a stalker? or some horrible person? thanks

This "friend" of yours, who can't mind her own business, is doing you no favors. I hope she has alot of other wonderful qualities, because she doesn't sound like a friend at all from what you've written.
Not all 8th grade boys are interested in being involved in girls. Your "friend" has led this guy to believe that you are interested in him, even though you say you are not.
You could tell him--when he's alone, NOT when he's with his friends(!)--that you want to apologize for your friends' behavior. I think that might help you to get over it, and keep him from trying to avoid you. After that, just say hi when you pass in the halls. If you're not trying to become close to him, keep it friendly but impersonal. gigi

Q: 16 f
i really have no idea wat i want to do w/ my life and it scares me to go to college not knowing what i want... what are some good books or websites to look at like career options because i really dont know waht is out there
help!

I'm sure you'll get a lot of answers with websites and books, but let me give you advice based on experience. Even if you don't know what you want to do when you enter college, don't worry. Most people change their majors at least once. College will bring breadth to your own experience. You will learn more at college about career possibilities than anywhere else! Be sure to take a variety of courses (most universities require a wide range of courses during the first 2 years, even if you've decided on a major). Trust me...before college, I'd never heard ANYTHING about the career I chose 20 (yes, twenty!) years ago. So, don't let indecision keep you up nights...more than likely, you will just happen upon some subject that you will feel actual passion for! gigi
P.S. The Guidance Dept. at your school might offer a test to help you, if you feel like you must act now. When I was your age, I took the Kuder Preference Test.

Q: I'm 13, and my boyfriend [who I have been dating for a year and a half] is 17. He will be 18 in April. I'll be turning 14 in October. I live in Louisiana and he lives in Texas. We met off the internet and have met personally twice. Both of my parents have approved and met with him, unfortunately, I live with my grandparents and they do NOT approve.

Some people tell me that the legal dating age difference cannot be higher than 2 years apart. Other people tell me it's 5 years. What is the actual difference?

Also, his mom or dad does not approve at all of us having any kind of romantic relationship [or any kind of relationship at all] together. Do they legally have the rights to keep him from talking/seeing me while he's still 17?

I've never heard of it being illegal to date anyone of any age; the problems come when you have sex. It's true that once he turns 18, if you have sex and your grandparents find out, they can charge him with statutory rape.
As far as his mom and dad legally having rights to keep him from seeing you--well, I learned that 17 is a borderline age, at least in most states. He can leave home, and the police won't force him to return, in Missouri. Any parent with sense won't try to forceably keep their 17 years old from seeing whomever he wants to...but they can put a lot of pressure on him. Between that, the upcoming "statutory rape" issue (can you maintain a relationship over the long term--until you are 18--without having sex?) and the pressure from your grandparents, it might save a lot of future heartache if you two just remain friends...think about it. Love, gigi

Q: How do you properly remove ingrown toenails?

Unless you're diabetic, I would save my money and go to my family doctor. He or she is fully qualified to treat an ingrown toenail, and you won't have to pay as much as you would for a specialist.
If you are diabetic, though, it's very important to see a PODIATRIST for this (not a chiropodist). A podiatrist has hospital privileges for surgery; a chiropodist, like a chiropractor, can only treat people in his office. Diabetics have a lot of circulatory problems, and must be careful with their feet. gigi

Q: okay im 14//f, but i havent gotten my period yet. like i know its usually until 16 that i have to worry about but, ive had like hair down there for 3 years..and its weird how i havent gotten it yet. my breasts have grown too, butn ot completely. Is there something wrong? Will i ever get my period?

Everyone's body develops on its own schedule, and it's not unusual at all not to have gotten your period at 14. You're right in that you don't need to be checked out until you're 16 if you have amenorrhea (that's the medical term for not getting your period). If you're really worried, you might feel better if you talk to the doctor...it would be horrible to worry about this for months and months.
If you can, try to put it out of your mind for now, because this happens to more girls than you would think. They just don't talk about it. gigi

Q: There is this boy, with whom I am in extra curricular activities. He is in a younger grade but he is the same age as I am, 16. Many people who do not know him or have seldom met him think he is a nerd-like person. I beg to differ, he is one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. My dad is the coordinator of our extra curricular activity that we are actively involved. He's always joking around with me saying things like 'well, you and (name) seemed very close tonight' or 'I like him, you should invite him over. Oh right you can't because of me...ha ha' . To explain that last comment, my dad is very weird, he thinks everything he says is funny but it's embarrassing. All to say that whenever he throws the comments my way, I join in on everybody else's thoughts and say things like 'Ew, I don't like him' and 'Yea, and what, you like that ugly cashier from the dollar store' (she was not all that pretty) and things like that. I feel really bad afterwards though. I talk to him for hours on end sometimes and I'm guessing that's what gives my dad the impression we're going out. Now for the twist, I love him. I have told him before that I liked him and well he took it in the sense that I liked him as a friend so he replied with 'yea, I like you too, your friendship means allot to me. For a second I thought you meant you like-liked me, that would have been weird.' That's what made the whole situation really awkward for me. Last night we were doing volunteer hours together for this french group of kids. We were watching a movie with them and we were sitting in the back selling popcorn and drinks. After a while business got slow so we sat together and just chilled while he explained this french movie to me. We were eventually like really close together after constant explanations and were like so close I kept getting those 'burst of nervousness' if you know what I mean. Normally when this happens he would pull away almost instantly as we'd touch because it's happened once and well that was the outcome. This time, he didn't and that's what's confusing me. I'm starting to wonder if his feelings for me have changed and that he's to shy to tell me. Is there any indirect way to find out? How do I keep all this nonesense away from my annoying dad? And any other advice is weel appreciated. Thanks =]

You know, my dad is just like yours. I've never appreciated his humor, really, but the funny thing is that other people do, and really like him.
Now, about this guy. With your dad so closely involved with what you two do, he probably is too shy to come right out and admit any feelings he might have for you...much the same as your feeling "awkward". I know your dad would feel pretty self-righteously brilliant if you do this, but I think you should invite him over to your house. If dinner would be too hard to get through, just invite him to come over and hang out, maybe watch a few movies or listen to some music and talk. (Watching movies will give you a reason to turn down the lights. If he doesn't make a move to hold your hand, etc., you can always say something, laugh, and then bring your hand down lightly on the side of his leg.) Just pick a movie that your dad doesn't like! gigi

Q: Hi! I am 18 years old and still a virgin. My boyfriend and I tried out anal sex for the first time and the condom broke without us realizing it and he ejaculated. I'm not sure if there was sperm around the anus b/c it was bloody. As soon as we realized what had happend I wiped what I could away from front to back and with a different towel each time. Then I grabbed some hand sanitizer and wiped it from front to back as well. I had read online that hand sanitizer will kill sperm instantly. Then I ran down to the bathroom and peed and squeezed as much sperm out of me as I could. My period last month started on the 27th which means I am now on the 26th day of my cycle. What do you think my risk of pregnancy is?

It's true that people have gotten pregnant from sperm that's just barely in the vaginal opening, but you've got a lot of things going for you as far as NOT getting pregnant. That includes the "time of the month" especially. Women ovulate 14 days before their periods start, so your "unsafe" days should have been long over. And the way you handled things, it's highly unlikely that any little swimmers found their way home, so to speak.
Are you having anal intercourse so that you don't have to worry about birth control? Since you and your boyfriend are becoming really, really intimate (I think anal sex, personally, is more intimate than regular sex) you should think about getting some birth control. Neither of you will want to have anal sex all of the time! Love, gigi

Q: I have a very slender (kind of too skinny) figure and people keep telling me that I should put on about 10 pounds. I think the only good body part I have is my legs----if I put on 10 pounds, would my legs, like, fill out and not look as good?

Maybe--or maybe not. Some people are lucky enough to gain weight with even distribution all over their body. Others find that the weight they gain goes to one place (usually a place that you don't want it to go, like your waist or hips). If you're not one of the "lucky ones", you can make sure it is evenly distributed by doing spot exercises--I mean, exercises specifically for the hips and/or waist. In any event, if you gain ten pounds, your legs are not going to become fat...I promise you! gigi

Q: I have a dance competion around the time I will be getting my period and I need to know how to put tampons in.

I have the cardboard kind. So please don't say to get the plastic ones because I already have two boxes of the cardboard ones.

I tried but it kind of hurt. I know I was putting it in the right place though.

PLEASE HELP!

There are many different positions you can assume to insert a tampon, but this is the way I've always done it (both with cardboard and other types of applicators):
Relax. Sit on the toilet or the edge of a chair, and spread your thighs wide. Bring the applicator up to the vaginal opening, but don't force the applicator inside--just push the tampon in from that point. I found that the tampon was always in just the right place when doing it this way. gigi

Q: Doesn't everyone tell you it's incredible stupid, dumb, and unhealthy to do drugs like weed and cocaine, etc? Then why on an ADVICE site does it have questions asking about drugs. No, not like educational things about them, like "Oh when i smoked weed I threw up, is this normal?". I was expecting every answer to be like "You shouldn't have smoked weed in this first place, these are drugs and they are unhealthy." But no the answers were more like encouraging the people to try it again and see what happens? What the heck? Is it ok to do drugs now?

It's not "okay" to do drugs now, or at any time. But if you look at the way things are honestly, many many teens experiment with drugs, and many adults use drugs. I think that the advice is being given not to encourage people to use drugs (or it shouldn't be), but rather to answer someone's question honestly--no matter what is being asked--and not being judgemental. At least, that is what I would do if someone asked me about drugs on this site.
Drugs are harmful for various reasons, and this differs from substance to substance, but the one thing that covers all of them is that they are ILLEGAL...and that makes them "not okay", period. gigi

Q: I have known this guy for about 5 years, not too well though. Well about a month and a half ago we started having sex and hanging out. He's 21 and I am turning 18 in a week. It was supposed to be all fun and games but I started falling for him. Today we talked and he said he doesnt want to date me because I will be going to college soon and he doesnt want me to miss any experiences.... plus his schedule is hectic and its not fair to me. He said he likes me and we click though. What does all this mean and should I keep hanging out with him or having sex with him? I dont want to lose him. Should I keep trying to be with him? He means SO much to me.

I think he's being really honest with you, even though it might hurt. Realistically, if you are going to go away to college, trying to have a relationship with a guy back home is a lot of trouble. He will be lonely, and likely see someone else while you're away even if he says he won't. And this is your only time to go to college, and you shouldn't miss the experience. That includes the keggers and hitting the clubs. Guys will be hitting on you, guys will be asking you on dates to the movies, and guys will suggest studying together. It's all a part of college life, and you are only human--being far away from a boyfriend, and close to other guys, makes it hard not to accept an invitation, and this naturally leads to friendships and other relationships. Most people away at school who try to remain in a committed relationship with a girl or guy back home will cheat, their boyfriend or girlfriend will cheat, and then both of them have secrets that will scar the relationship.
Look, you have known him for a long time and only recently got together. It's not surprising that you "started falling" for him, but I don't think that it's a really close and deep relationship at this point, even if you hope it is. After all, you just started hanging out together! He said he likes you, and that's a good beginning for something romantic in the future, but realize he is telling you that you should only be friends right now. Don't worry about losing him; in the first place, if you are truly friends, there is no way you can lose him as long as you stay in touch and secondly, if you are referring to losing him in the romantic sense, I don't think you are even there yet, and you can't lose something you don't have.
Respect his thoughts, because he is being sensible. I know it's hard--especially since you've had sex, and have been physically close. But if you'll try to see it from an outside point of view, you'll see that he really has a mature outlook, and that he doesn't want either of you to be hurt. gigi

Q: I have a friend who I have been very close to. We never hungout so I don't know very much about his personal life, although I have known him for years! And just twenty minutes ago, he tells me that he has a son. I asked my other friends if they knew about this and they said yes. Even people who aren't friends with him knew! I feel completely upset and I just wanted to cry because I have been his friend for so long and he just now tells me (his son is several months old; not just 2 or 3 days old). Should I really be upset over this? Or is it better just to get over it and move on?

Sometimes even very good friends keep things from one another. Perhaps he thought you already knew, and that you just didn't want to talk about it (after all, lots of other people did know). Or maybe he was kind of embarassed just to bring it up to you, out of the blue. Don't hold this against him, please, because being a young father is all of the pressure he needs right now in life. What he needs is your friendship, and for you to accept him as he is even if you don't always understand him. gigi

Q: i swim at the ymca alot. one day i thought it would be funny to play a prank. it was ona saturday and i was at the pool and alot of little kids where in the pool with there parents. when i went in the pool i had a baby ruth bar in my hand so that no one could see it. i was just wadling in the pool and when i swam past/walked the little kids i just let go of the baby ruth bar. the life guard saw it and ordered everyone out of the pool think it was a hazard to health (they thought it was just was just what i wanted them to think it was- a piece of shit). everyone was making a big deal about it. later that day they found out it was a baby ruth bar (when cleaning the pool that it). they said if the person who did it doesnt confess that they will close down the pool for the rest of the hot weather. i dont kno if they will but im not willing to take a chance because i love that pool so much. what should i do..no tell them, tell them , and if i do tell them what should i say? it was just a joke! HELP.

People do become members simply to enjoy the pool, so I don't think they would actually shut the pool down. However, it might make you feel better if you wrote to them anonymously and apologized. I don't think it's necessary to risk a confession and all the subsequent embarassment, etc., when they are just trying to "put the fear of God" into you, but an apology would make everyone feel better. gigi

Q: okay so my firend had unprotected sex for the 1st time im trying to help her find a way to get the EC pill but we dont know how...she is freaking out and like refuses to tell her mom im just trying to keep her calm and everything so my question is how long should we wait to see if theres any sign of pregnancy? where i live you have to be 18 and older in order to get the pill over the counter but shes 16 and yeah idk aha any suggestions????? help asap!! thank you =]

The best thing to do is to contact the nearest office of Planned Pregnancy. They will know what kind of actions are available to her at this point. They can also fix your friend up with birth control, and (unless state law says otherwise) they won't tell parents.
Please do this right away. When she's able to stop worrying, you'll stop worrying, and there's nothing like the feeling of solving a difficult problem! gigi

Q: yep. what do i do? i sprained it i think at basketball practice, i was running and my foot fell like sideways and i kinda stepped on it, so its like.. the veins of my feet hurt or something. idk but when i walk i feel it and it also hurts when i touch it. i put some ice at it at bball practice but what do i do now so it can heal fast? or should i see a doctor? should i stretch it out? cause when i get pains i usually work them alot and most of the time they get better. or should i let it rest? i also have a bball game this saturday. should i play? or would it like.. swell..

You may have torn some ligaments, and if so, you shouldn't be walking around without some support. I'd advise you to either go to the emergency room (they see a lot of this there) or call an orthopedist tomorrow and try to get in to see him. Only a doctor will know if it is safe for you to put weight on it. The sooner you see the doctor and do the right thing to let it heal, the sooner you'll be out on the court again! gigi

Q: Is there any way that you can not want to be a lesbian but you still are? I try not to be. I try to be with guys but I just don't feel right when I kiss a guy, but when I kiss a girl it feels so right. I don't want to be a lesbian just because it's so hard to these days and I don't want to have to tell my parents. Also I'm Christian so it's against my religion. Is there anyway to make myself straight?

Unfortunately, research has pretty much proven that we are or are not gay from birth. So, if you are indeed a lesbian, there is nothing you can do to change.
In the past, especially, some men who were gay would go ahead and get married, have kids, etc., trying to be "straight." Often later in life they fell in love with another man and it became a scandal and a horrible mess for the family. Imagine how the wife and children must have felt, living with a man they didn't really know!
I don't know how old you are, and it does make some difference in the answer to this question. If you are still very young, it is not unusual to have crushes on people of the same sex, and it doesn't mean you will be homosexual. At 17 or 18, however, I would give you the following advice: be true to yourself, and if you believe you are a lesbian, learn to accept it, because God made you and loves you just the way you are.
Love, gigi

Q: Does the filling they put in your cavity hurt?

No, the filling itself doesn't hurt. However, the dentist has to widen the cavity a bit to smooth out the edges, etc. with a drill. Before he does this, he will give you a shot of Novocaine so you won't feel anything when he drills. Usually the dentist will numb your gum with some sort of gel applied with a Q-tip, so you won't even feel the shot!
The worst part is the sound of the drill. If your dentist offers you headphones so that you can listen to music, by all means take them! Good luck! gigi

Q: My bestfriends mom passed away and she asked me to go to the service. BUt i have absolutely no idea on what i am supposed to wear. She catholic so idk if its different from different religions.

Is the service also the funeral.

Any advice please give.
thank you

The service is also the funeral Mass. Mass is just a little different from Protestant services as there are times when participants kneel. Visitors usually sit when this happens.
Don't wear bright colors, and I would advise you to wear a dress if possible. A dress in a darker color (but not black) is appropriate.

It's so important to be supportive of your friend right now. Good luck. gigi

Q:

im going to make this a short as possible lol . alright so ive liked this kid for about a year and about a week ago we were at the same party i got totallly hammered and went back to his house, we had sex. i lost my virginity to him. he told some of his friends they told theres, untill my brother found out. my brother punched the kid in the face, and now he wont even look at me. i dont knowww what to doo, he told my friend he wasnt pissed but i can tell the whole situtation is still on his mind and bothering him. losing my vriginity was a big deal, drunk or not. i would talk to him but i already know that i wouldnt know the right things to say and i would totally freeze up. I NEED HELP.

thanks.

and if this helps you out:
im 16/f.

I know you are worried about the way he is acting towards you now, but I am wondering why you aren't more upset with him for telling all of his friends about what should have been a private experience between the two of you. After all, isn't that bragging? And he's bragging about having sex with a virgin who had too much to drink. Some would say that he took advantage of you, but since you like him so much, I know you don't feel that way. All in all, it's better to lose your virginity to someone you've really liked for a long time if you've had too much to drink to really make what you know is a good choice. Did you use protection?--I hope so.
As for what to say...I would apologize for the way my brother acted, and then ask him why he told everyone about it.
He might be avoiding you because he's embarrassed by the way he has acted. If that's the case, and you really like him, it's important to talk about what happened.
I hope everything works out for you. Love, gigi

Q: i have been with my boyfriend for quite awhile, we love each other very much, im a virgin and we are planning on having sex this weekend, how long does all of it last?? from start to finish? normally?im afraid im going to do something wrong.. what position is easiest? thanks for your help

The first time you have sex, make sure that there's a lot of lubrication...your own, the condom's, or some K-Y jelly (don't use Vaseline because that will destroy the condom). Relax...push outward slightly so that you're not tensing inward. Almost certainly, the first time he enters you, it will be uncomfortable.

When he then begins to make the motions, it probably won't take very long for him to climax. That is because guys are usually over-excited the first time they have sex with a woman (I don't mean the first time they have sex, necessarily...but the first time with every woman). Every thrust will probably make you uncomfortable, and you might be pretty sore the next day as well. I would guess that 10 min. is about the average amount of time intercourse will take. The missionary position, with you on the bottom lying still, is the easiest. Later, when sex is not uncomfortable, you won't feel like lying still, but you should do that the first time. As for doing something wrong, there is absolutely nothing that a girl can get wrong when having intercourse--as long as you remember to use birth control and a condom (both are best). Good luck! gigi

bio

I have had what I term a "soap opera life". In other words, I've seen it all. Almost.

I work in health care and I'm as old as the hills (not that old, I guess--but I'm definitely not a kid) so feel free to ask whatever you like.

NOTE: I AM NOT MY OWN FAVORITE COLUMNIST (SEE BELOW)!!!! I just hit the wrong button...