Jami's advice column

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Q: Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been having trouble lately. We broke it off for a bit because we thought it would be best. But now we're talking again. You see, he wasn't the best boyfriend in the world. I mean, he's a great guy...he's loyal and truthful and he really does love me (and I also love him)...but he never did that stuff boyfriends do, all the little things. All the sweet little gestures that let you know he cares. Is that asking for too much? He told me he's gonna try to do some of that, but he can't change his whole personality. Should I stay with him and see if it works?

If you really do love him, there is no harm in giving him a chance to make things better. I would give myself a time line though. You can't expect him to be someone different, so give the relationship a set amount of time and part ways if things are not good by then. You have to stick to the time frame you set for yourself, or you could be doing this dance for years never truly getting what you want. If he is not the type of boyfriend you want, then you should just move on because there are plenty of guys who will do the small things and you will have that spark. People can make adjustments, but they will always be who they are and you can't change that. It would be fairer to you to begin with someone you feel more compatible with rather than settling.

Q: I appreciate your response. I have wanted to move forward a long time. I thank you for your encouragement to do so!! I guess I'm scared of being alone maybe. I love having someone in life life to share with. I alternate between self-pity and feeling sorry for him. Mainly, he just doesn't get it. He remains uncomfortable bringing his phone around me and if he does it is on vibrate or muted. I can't fix this and he can't either. He begs me not to bring up the A anymore but, I can't help it and I don't see me over it in the near future. I feel like a failure and yes, very dumb too. It's not so much about the sex anymore, It's ALL the lies. I feel like I'm holding a porcipine and getting stuck with a new quill every day almost. I can't trust that. I think I've learned this from you, when it reaches a point that you are hurt to stay and hurt to get then might as well try to get out cause that hurt eventually passes once filled with other interests. Thank you again!

You are very welcome and don't be ashamed to embrace what you are feeling. Most people are afraid of being alone and just won't admit it, so you are not alone. This situation just tugs at your heart so much and each betrayal for me hurt more than the last. If you are afraid of how huge the next lie could be, you will be a thousand times better off without him. I have had women tell me about sleepless nights, weight loss, and hair loss etc. The stress can really get to your health. You will happy again, time will heal you. :)

Q: I have been in a stormy relationship with my bf 2 1/2 years. We are in our mid 40's. Both married/divorced many years ago. He wants to get married. For Christmas he wants to go shopping for a ring. I thought for a long time I wanted to marry again but, so torn up over this. The more that I think about this the more angry/hurt I become. I've tried to break it off many times. I know that the way we talk to each other is emotionally abusive. Probably me more so. I do love him. I hate what he's done and I can't seem to get over it. Long story short, he went out of state fishing met a girl 14 mo ago. An affair that lasted 6 months went on and she even flew across country to be with him a few months into it and met his friends. (told me going hunting out of state) Third time, he sent her a ticket to meet him out of state and she couldn't make it. I didn't trust the way he was acting, his cell phone issues, etc. We had numerous outbursts, to which he said I was crazy, etc. Then I checked the cell phone (8 mo after they had met)and found shocking pics from her that he saved. He denied it, erased it, blamed me for snooping and said a friend was playing a joke. I luckily wrote down the number they were forwarded from before confronting him. I called her and learned more than I EVER wanted to know. She said she broke it off 2 mo before, he had called the night before telling her to say pics were a joke to his girlfriend and she knew nothing about me until then. I left him and he just wouldn't stop calling, texting, calling from random or private numbers for over a month. I am so scared. They never talked about love (both said that) He says that it was just sex. My instinct tells me I can't trust him. Has history of cheating. I am hurting but, he won't let me grieve alone. It's been about 6 months now I still have flashbacks of various elements. I get angry and run him off and he gets more intense. It is as if he panics. I feel guilty sometimes. I question my motives and Do I just want to punish him?/Do I love him? He tells me he has loved me since the day we met and wants no one else. I don't know that I have the strength left to hope that I will meet someone else or could ever be happy with him knowing what I know now. I have not told my family b/c he says that will ruin everything. I lied to a friend for the same reason. I am humiliated, hurt and don't know where to turn. Before, even during and after Affair says "I LOVE YOU."

I want to start by saying that I completely understand your hurt, humiliation and other emotions regarding this situation. I have been in a similar situation before and as time goes on you wish that you had gotten out sooner because it seems that the longer you stay in, the harder it is to move on, but also the dumber you feel. It seems that your ex wants you to feel bad for him, but guys almost always learn the lesson far too late. It has been my experience that even when you do feel sorry for them and decide to try again; they eventually get back to their normal routine of hurting you. It hurts us a lot because we love them and want the relationship to work. Relationships cannot grow when one partner is working overtime for it while the other person is having fun. He doesn't understand that his actions have destroyed your faith and peace of mind. Once that trust has been broken in such a foul way, the relationship can never be the same. He wants you to believe that you are crazy because he doesn't like that he was caught. The excuses about it being a joke and you being wrong for snooping are all excuses that I have heard many times before. He feels salty now, but that is it.... don't give in to his nonsense. As long as he is someone not to be trusted, he will be the wrong guy for you. You have to continue to choose yourself. Having been through marriage and divorce already, I'm sure that you are emotionally drained by all of this. Choose your piece of mind and continue to follow your goals. The happiness you want will be your choice. Live and go get what you want out of life and someone else could be waiting for you. Even if you decide to be alone for a while, life doesn't stop. A dog will do anything to get what he wants and that includes lying and deceiving you. He doesn't have your best interest at heart so let him go and cut all ties. Maybe in time he will learn better, but more than likely he will not. A cheating liar has issues that are more about themselves and little or nothing to do with you. So,don't allow him to cause you turmoil any longer. The point of ending the relationship should also include ending any hurt associated with him. Cut him off and if he stalks you, change your number or get a protective order against him. Show him that you are done and he will have no choice but to leave you alone. He just wants to play on your sympathy. It will be difficult at first and you will have random memories at times, but with time it will fade and you will surely get back to you. Love yourself enough to break the cycle and enjoy your life. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us so you have to live right now. Pick up a new hobby, a new book, hang out with good friends, and take up dancing or a music class or whatever your interests are. Once you fill your life with other fruits, he will have the small place in your mind that he deserves until you are completely passed him. It is also important to the healing process that you are honest with yourself and with those closest to you. Talk to who you are close with. They can help you so you are not going through this alone and they will understand. They can offer you validation when you need it and give you strength when you feel weak. You have already taken steps in the right direction. You can do it!!!Him saying "I love you" all the time is to keep you mushy and loving him. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, but he just doesn't know how to do it the right way. I'm sure that the two of you had a great love, but love alone is not enough.GoodLuck!!!and I'm always here if you need to talk more.

Q: since facebook was updated and redesigned, the number of wall posts you or a friend has is now shown. i suddenly became curious i there was a way i can access it. does anyone know?!

With the new design it is not possible to see the count for the posts. Even when you use facebook mobile, that detail is not shown.

Q: is loving someone enough to make a relationship work? idk im so lost it seems like its never gonna work but i love him and he loves me... bad bad circumstances tho we fight all the time and he makes me sad alot and i never get to see him but when ever i try to end it i cant. I love him and i dont know what to do

Love isn't enough, but its a great start. For things to work, both people need to work hard at the relationship. Relationships are too much work for one person. If you really want it to work, try your hardest. Be realistic with yourself though, don't do all the work or be unfair to yourself. If this relationship isn't right for you, or is causing you constant unhappiness, don't be afraid to move on and let it go. Do what makes you happy even if it doesn't include the person you are with at the moment. Your prince could be patiently waiting in your future. Sometimes you have to let go of something old to get something new. You haven't let go yet because you aren't done and that's ok. I hope you guys can work things out. If things don't work out and you decide you really have had enough, you will find the strength to leave.

Q: i got my hair relaxed back in april and i really want my full curls back. is there any thing i can put in my hair to make it go back to natural hair.

There is nothing that will remove a relaxer. All you can do is wash and condition your hair a lot. Use good conditioners to texturize your hair and take good care of it. As time goes on you will see more and more of your natural texture. I just know for a fact that there is nothing that will reverse a relaxer completely.

Q: Alright, i had an abortion in February. I was 17 and completely not ready to have a child. Well, i actually never dealt with it and to top it all off, my due date came and gone, and I had a whole night to myself and reminecing about what I would have had, their names, and what colour I would have painted the baby's room. Needless to say it wasn't/isn't easy.
Since I hadn't dealt with it, I was consistently inconsistent with my birth control and spent three or fours months not on it at all, having unprotected sex. Now during all that time, and I mean everyday! I never once got pregnant again, I had scares with late periods, but that's all, they've all come and gone. and because of my deep desperation to have a child, i've really forgotten how to deal with my life and all the bad stuff that has happened and is happening.
Question I have is does anyone have an idea on how to move on, deal with it, and make sure that it doesn't screw up any of my future relationships?

It is going to take a lot of time for you to completely come to terms with the decision you made. That child will always be apart of you because you love it and you did not want to do what you had to do. In order for you to move forward with a healthy mind and body, you need to cry and grieve so that you are letting your feelings and emotions out. If crying makes you feel better, let it out because bottling up your emotions never helps. You also need to start protecting yourself. Don't have unprotected sex because in your quest to make another baby, you could become infected with an incurable disease. Put your health before your emotions. Getting pregnant again will never replace your baby. Would you really want what you did to be in vain? That's what it will seem like. You have to live with your decision and make the best life for yourself you possibly can. If you are spiritual, pray and you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF. Once you do that, you can move forward and let life happen. Don't force a baby. You can have children later on when you are really ready. Theraphy will also help you cope if you cant get passed it. Forgive yourself and do what you have to do! Good luck!!!!

Q: alright,

so me and my ex boyfriend broke up about 5 months ago. he was the first real boyfriend i had ever had, and i was the first real girlfriend he had ever had. We went out for about 6 months, and then we broke up. after a little while, i told him that i wanted him back, and he said he wanted to wait untill next year. It has been about 3 months since we talked about that, and i want to know if i should start talking to him again. Right now, me and him dont talk at all. What are some ways you think i could get him back?

If a guy ever tells you that he wants to wait until next year, he is probably wanting to see what else is out there. If he wants you, he wouldn't allow any chance of another guy getting next to you. I honestly think he has moved on, or doesn't want to be in a relationship. If the two of you are not talking, he has to be talking to other girls. If you really want him back you should talk to him face to face and explain to him exactly how you feel about him. At that point you will know if he shares your passion. If he does not, you need to move on. If you wait around for a guy, you will feel stupid and you will be unhappy and resentful should he decide not to "come around". Take your que from him. Don't see or hear what you want, see things for what they are and you will know what to do. Life is too short to wait around when there are no guarantees.

Q: I'm a quiet girl, don't associate myself with others much because i don't want to be negatively assosiated with people in any way by accident.

Well I was walking the walkway and this guy that's the same grade as me but SHORTER called me a douchebag and one of his friends were like "that's mean!" but then someone from their group was like "YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG!" and then another person from their group said "Come on (name), get over here and beat the crap out of them! Don't let them stomp over you like this!"

But like how adults always say to not fight back, I just continued walking down the hallway. I'm just going to leave this to God and hope that Karma will come into play. I went into the bathroom, and just sat there, starring.

Why would they randomly decide to call me a douchebag like this? I never did any harm to anybody. I have them in a couple of my classes and we rarely talk but we talked a few times and they were NEVER like that before.

I'm just so hurt, my self esteem is so low, and it took my whole strength to keep my self from bursting out in tears during the whole day at school. What do i do now?

And how can I let out this anger and stress in a healthy way other than listening to music? (because that isn't really letting it out).

I think that shouting real loud as loud as i can like in the movie works but I'm never at home alone and I don't drive o it's not like I can drive myself to the park and scream...

Thank you so much in advance

You didn't do anything wrong! It's sad but true that kids just get bored or want to look cool so they try to do this by bothering others. There will be many times in your life when people will do things that make no sense, hurt you and confuse you at the same time. This is one of them. Their rude behavior probably had nothing to do with you, but more to do with their immaturity. Weak people that want to make themselves feel better always pick on people that they know won't fight back. If you are quiet and to yourself, it was probably taken as a weakness. You were an easy target for them. They are immature so forget them and Continue to be you. Karma is real and they will have to deal with the choices they make. You do need to stand up for yourself, but yelling at them or trying to get back at them is a waste of energy. A good release is writing, anything artistic will take your focus away from what's bothering you. Whenever I feel down about something I'm dealing with, I reach out to help others with advice and talking. Always keep your outlet positive. Reading books, exercising, writing or watching movies are great places to start. New hobbies are always fun also.

Q: So I got this new eyeshadow from covergirl. along with mascara. Well after the first 3 days i loved my eyes. they were pretty. Well i was watching tv before bed. I believe i took off the mascara and eye shadow before bed. When i was watching family guy all of a sudden my eyes started to burn. i started to cry and the stung so bad that i didnt want to open them. i dont even know if i could open them. well i fell asleep and the next morning the bottom of my eyes or the top of my cheeks were red and had big bumps on them. my mom told me not to put any of the makeup on till it got better. when i got to school my friends right away noticed my eyes and told me they looked swollen. My mom told me it could be the makeup and im having a reaction..but im not allergic to anything. Then it got better and i told my mom i was going to put it back on again to see if its really the eye makeup and its been a week and nothing.... Could it be an allergic reaction?
PS.... I have an eye liner brush and use that for the bottom of my eyes.i mix two of the blue colors most of the time. sometimes when im doing the bottom of my eyes ill get the eyeball and itll look like a line..but i get it in time and it doesnt hurt. theres a little glitter in them..

just thought that might help!:]

I do makeup a lot and I wear different ones constantly so I understand just what you mean about the burning you experienced. It happened to me whenever I used this one particular blue mascara. I ended up having to throw it out. I don't know if yours was colored, or black but the colored ones must have some extra chemicals in them that can cause irritation. Since your eyes were swollen it may have been an allergic reaction. I would use each product without any of the other new ones and see which one is causing the irritation. If one is, your gonna have to stop using it and look for a similar product in a different brand. Also, make sure that you wash all of the makeup off before you go to bed at night, that will shorten your wear time and reduce your chances of irritation. If your favorite burns when it gets in your eyes you may be able to use it, but higher up on your lid where your crease is or near your brow bone depending on the color. As long as it isn't getting into your eyes you should be fine. So use it as a shader, highlight or accent, but don't line your eyes with the one that irritates you.

Q: I'm probably looking into this too much (as usual, lol), but here's the deal:

I sent a guy I know a message on facebook- he just joined the site a couple weeks ago. I haven't talked to him in several months, mainly to ask about applying to schools, etc. I sent him a random message asking him how he is, and if he had any feedback/advice on the application process, etc. I ended asking if it would be possible for him to look over a paper for me, whenever he could.

The thing is, it was sort of a long message, and as I mentioned, I haven't talked to him in a while (HE, being a friend of a friend who I thought could help out). So, he hasn't replied yet, but I'm getting the feeling that he either doesn't want to, or is a little put off by a random, "out of the blue" message/request...or maybe he's just like most guys who don't like long messages.

So is there any reason why you think he wouldn't want to respond, or was there anything wrong with my "facebook/email etiquette?" Or am I worked up over nothing? BTW, if it helps, I'm pretty sure he knows I used to like him in that way...so I hope this isn't another "guy thing."

Its possible that he didn't have time to read the whole message, or just got busy and forgot to respond. I would just write on his wall and be casual like "hey (his name)how are you? I'm good, I sent you a msg about (xyz)....did u get it? Its not a big deal if you do that. You can actually see that if its on his wall and he will be reminded of it everytime he looks at his wall so there is no forgetting as an excuse. However, if he doesn't respond this time, I would think that he is being flaky and just leave him alone. At that point he's being rude, and you don't deserve it because you have done nothing wrong. I use facebook, so I think that this will be a good way to go without the mystery of messages and wondering if he read it or forgot. Just like you, I don't like it when people don't respond to messages or posts and I am super analytical as you say you are.

Q: this is kinda long, i suppose =P
okay, well last may i met this boy..he was like everything i could ever ask for. in june we got serious.. i really did love him. it was like a perfect relationship. at the end of july we broke up because his mom was kind of a lunatic and like tried to put him on house arrest. then middle of august we got back together and that was pretty good. then we broke up because it was the school year and we go to different schools and it was hard. then in february he got a girlfriend. they were completely in love. they lasted for like 7-8 months and then he broke up with her because she was a control freak. now, he is trying to get me back. and i mean i did love him and part of me still does.. but he did things before that made me not trust him. like he would always "talk" to other girls and it bugged me. i dont care if he is friends with girls, but he would tell them he likes them and siht. it buggged me. well now he wants me and he like poured his heart out to me. told me he was thinking about what we had and he knows he messed up but really wants to try it again, im thinking about it. and then i didnt know if i could deal with it again. then i decided to message him ex girlfriend and piss her off.. HAHA but she used to message me and like tell me all this stuff aboout their relationship and it bugged me, ha. but i go are you two together she goes no y i go because his friends told me he liked me and stuff, i lied to her by saying his friends bc i didnt knnow if they were talking or whatever..she goes yeah were talking i go like talking talking she goes yes so i texted him and flipped out and he otld me that they arent together and are only friends but she has the impression there like together basiscally. then today he said im the only person he wants to be with, he told her that there is no chance between them. and i dont know what to do. it seems like he really does care for me, but im confused because im afraid of getting hurt again. any advice? (:

It seems like the relationship you had with him brings out the worst as far as your emotions go. You want to be with someone who brings out the best in you. I know from experience that different people can bring out different emotions and reactions in you. Your chemistry with someone else could make you want to be completely opposite. I would have to say that with the amount of drama that is already attached to this guy, it would be best to start fresh with someone else. You already don't know if you should trust him and your gut doesn't lie so you are probably right. Don't look at the time you spent with him as a reason to be his fool. That time you spent is what is considered "sunk cost" in economics, it means that you have already spent it and you cannot get it back. It cannot be reversed so don't worry about it. Move forward with your life, and then you can find real happiness with a guy and have that confidence in trusting him at the same time.

Q: i have this friend. She is so competitive. and she claims to be my best friend. So when i get something new, she has to get it, but in a better brand or more expensive to make me feel bad. example would be like; i just got a phone. a week later, she finally got a phone, but more expensive. then when i got a computer, she got one after, but in a better brand. I don't know why she does it but it is getting on my last nerve. Then when I come up with ideas, she steals them and make them into her own. for example. Our whole group of friends hasn't hung out in a while, and i was saying how it would be tight to have everyone get together at a sleep over and just chil. She went off and told all of them as if it were her idea. And it is so frustrating. She also tried to steal my boyfriend. I ended up having to brake up with him because of whole lotta drama. I have slowly separated myself from her. She asked me if we were still best friends, and I said no. And she was begging for best friend status. But I said no. And I have stopped telling her everything, and calling her. I just listen, because I will always be there for her, i have never betrayed her. I helped her lose weight, and told her when people were talking ish about her. But with all that, she repaid me with all that. I want to separate myself from her to the fullest. Do you guys have eny ideas? what do you think about the whole situation?

Based on what you have written, it seems that she is suffering from some inadequecy issues. She doesn't feel that she measures up to you so she feels a constant need to compete with you. She may also have some low self-esteem which would make things worse. I honestly don't think that she knows how to be a friend to you. It sounds like she idolizes you but has a lot of jealousy to go with it. Anyone that tries to mess with your boyfriend or cause conflict in your love life, is NOT your friend. She might like you, but just can't get control of her envy. I hate to say it, but that is someone who you will need to let go. Right now she can do minor things, but down the line life will only become more competitive and it will be her causing problems with your husband, your house, kids, career etc. You really have to protect yourself from people like her. You have done the right thing by staying clear of her and not telling her your secrets anymore. I'm sure you have other friends that are genuine so you don't need to worry about her. Keep people around you that wish you well and congratulate you, anyone who can't do that is not worthy of being in your circle. Your real friends will be happy for you as you would them and you will all want the best for eachother.

Q: Hey guys! 15/F
(really long, im sorry brace yourself)
Okay, so i recently broke up with my boyfriend like 2 days ago. Let's call him tom. So tom and i were going out for a littleen the sweet obs over ten months. He was/is so obsessed with me! Like, not even the sweet obsessed, where he shows it a little. If any of you saw just friends, you know the wall covered with pictures? Let's just say thats him. He was OBSESSED. But, he tried way to hard to impress me. SO he lied alot, and it was so obvious he was doing it. SO i confronted him about it a few times. He was like "sure no problem". SO he did it a few times after that, and i really started to get mad. He was talking about us getting married, and our kids and where we would live!! He was way too clingy, and only wanted me for the sake of having a girlfriend, and all the things having a girlfriend comes with. I knew it too, but i assumed i was just being stupid. BUt it kept happening, and he only wants me to go over his house. He hated coming to my house, and i knew it. He has a lot of money, and a huge house and i guess he thought we could be alone more. But, my house isnt small, but its not huge like his and i have alot of family. I love them. He made fat jokes about my dad all the time. It hurt my feelings, cause thats my dad. So I've given him alot of warnings, and this was breaking my heart cause i really cared about him. But after a while, i just had no emotion anymore he was doing it so much. I just didnt like him anymore, and i really couldnt help getting aggravated by the little things he did. He would call me when his friends were over and not even talk to me, he would alugh about something with them, and then pick up the phone and be like "sorry" and then do it again. I would do this thing where i would hang up and see how long it would take him to realize. The longest was 10 minutes. So, i started to be very distant, and i wouldnt talk much on the phone, i became very quiet. Now, i am a huge twilight fan, and i always told him about it, and he would get so mad. But he would tell me about these stupid video games he played. I dont care, but it aggravated me he wouldnt let me talk about twilight. So the movie came out on friday, and he came with me to see it. And the whole time i was enthralled with it, i loved it. SO, we went back to my house, and we hung out and watched videos on youtube and had dinner and stuff. Now, i hope you remember my house isnt big. So after dinner, i brought him in my room. The TV was on low, and the door was wide open. I told him i just wanted to be friends. He flipped out on me. He kept saying "Kiss me. Kiss me Emily. NOW" He forced my head to collide with his. "I need to know you love me" he kept saying while he was trying to force my head to his. I kept struggling and saying "stop tom!" and he wouldnt let me go. He stopped, and i said i was sorry it had to end this way. He started crying and telling me how i mean everything to him, blabla. He asked me if he could please make out with me again. (Proof he only wanted a girlfriend for the pleasure). I said no, and he ased me if he could still put his arm around me and hold my hand. I said no again. Then i told him i still loved him, but no more then a friend. I told him there were different typed of love. I said this is the end of a long relationship, but a beautiful and whole friendship is blooming underneath. He didnt agree, and he kept blaming things on himself, and i told him this was for me, and that i needed to do some soul searching. So then i changed the sunbject, and we watched funny youtube videos. I between 2 days, he kept calling me and trying to make me feel guilty. Today was the worst though. He told me his mother was furious with me. He told me his whole family hated me. He said i should think about the mistakes i make before i make them. I kept telling him this was not a mistake, but he didnt listen. I told him if he really loves me he would be happy for me. He is so imposible. He tried to make me feel guilty! He kept telling him, i was his water, withougt me he couldn't live. He kept telling me things like that... I know he was trying to make me feel guilty. So i said maybe we shouldnt talk until your ready to be mature about this and handle being friends. He kept saying he neeeded to talk to me everyday. Which i will the first wek or so, but this is a break up and i did it because i needed space from him. The relationship was suffocating me. His status on aim today was "If any ladies want me, im single now"
I just need ot know if i did the right thing, and any other opinions would help too...
My family supports me all the way, and my friends are being amazing. But i guess i just need help from starngers sometimes haha.

So, what do you think?

I have read everything that you have written and I agree with you 100%. This guy is absolutely crazy and he is lucky that you stuck with him as long as you did. There is definitely a subtle difference between love and obsession. I'm really glad that you are able to tell the difference. He needs some professional help and to did the right thing by breaking up with him. I know from experience that when someone feels that way, it only gets worse. You need to cut him off if he can't learn to control himself and just be your friend. The guilt that he tried to put on you was bogus and typical of someone like him. Don't fall for that because it probably isn't even true and if it is that's their problem. You have your own family so who cares what his thinks, they are not important. Dude is crazy and they need to get him some help. Remain cool if possible, but don't talk to him everyday, you wanted your space and you don't want him to get the wrong idea. You will fall in love with someone at some point, but he just isn't the one. Keep moving forward and don't look back. Good luck!

Q: If you were in a relationship, or otherwise 'involved' with someone in some way, and a good friend had a crush on you, would you want to know? Or would you rather they kept it to themselves.

I'd love really honest opinions.

I would like to know because every relationship is not a good one, so my status at that time might not be the deal breaker. It is also possible that I could have feelings for this friend as well but never said anything. If I know that I want my current partner for sure, having this new information would not bother or sway me. It usually creates a problem when the person in a relationship is unsure about what they really want. If you are flattered by your friend but want your current partner, there would be no problem for you. If someone is interested they should let the other person know. You have your own choice to make, so it's really up to you whether or not this revealation matters. The only time I feel it should be kept inside is if the couple is married.

Q: im in a bad relationship its violent dramatic and we dont trust each other but somehow we do love each other. we cant let go adn dont want to we want to make it work but were so alike its hard. he says really hurtful things and so do i but we always forgive. last night it got way more crazy and i havent slept ate or thought straight since. i keep crying and i really feel like he wants to be with someone else now. how do i feel better or make this work

as long as you are in this type of relationship, you won't ever feel better. It's extremely difficult to shake because you care so much, and you love so hard. The connection between the two of you has gotten to be an obsession. You not only want it, but your mind and body feels a need for it. You can only make a decision between the relationship and yourself. You do not want to allow this to let you self destruct. If the two of you can't get along in a productive way, as strong as your love is you may just not be right fir eachother. You can take some time apart and see if it gives you perspective, but if violence is always an issue, your safety needs to come first. Don't put yourself in situations that have the potential to get out of hand like that. If you two go at it and somehow he accidently paralyzes or murders you, no one will believe him and you will have lost everything. All it takes is a push that is a little to rough, or an unexpected fall. Choose yourself over this relationship if your well being is in jeoporady.

Q: okay me and my boyfriend made 5months this monday, and its been pretty qood, like monday he and i was happy that it's been 5months and at the end of the day at school monday he was like "5months baby" and all over me, but our relationship is kinda weird, like i love him and he loves me, but there's days where our love is strong and there's days our love isn't strong and i kinda hate it, because it hurts mee alot, like i dont know what to do, i try to be all over him, but no pushy thouqh, but its whatever too him. And when we have days like these i hate it, and it really hurts me, can you hellp please because i have no idea what to do.

What you are experiencing is a common occurance in relationships. Don't worry too much, the two of you are not losing love on somedays but rather just going through the motions. Like anyone else in your life, there will be ups and downs with him. There will be days that you can't stand him and days that he can't stand you. At the end of the day its all Iove if you two feel that way for eachother. I understand what you mean when you say it can be painful when things are bad, but in a relationship you will always have some hurt feelings with the good. One thing that you can do is to make sure that you are keeping the communication between the two of you open. Always be sure to express your feelings with him and encourage him to do the same. Be open and honest and try to think about what you say and do before it happens. Being aware of your actions and intentions is always a good idea. Tell eachother how you feel and you should be fine. When you are in a trusting, happy, loving relationship, small issues will pass with the time. Make sure you two make time to hang out, go on dates and just enjoy eachother. It will remind you of why you fell in love to begin with. Good luck!

Q: so I dumped my boyfriend a few days ago because he used to be flirting with my so called best friend and called her beautiful infront of my face, and all this shit. We were once talking about how dumb it was to brake up with people and then not talk to them. So we were like, if anything every happens we are still gonna be friends. And so after I dumped him, I said hi to him the next day. I was so happy and relieved to have him out of my life. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. and then he didn't say anything bak. he just kinda waved but ignored me. And he has been going to all my friends and everyone telling them i broke up with him. and he told my friend that i was gonna regret it. I don't know wht to think about this situation. what do you guys think? I'm thinking maybe he is over me already, and he wants to show it. Or he isn't, he's trying to hide it, but its not working because he's been looking really down lately. And maybe he is telling all the girls so that he can have someone to replace me quick or something. Or maybe, i'm not quiet sure what to think. what do you guys think?

I think that he didn't really speak because he is just still upset about the breakup. He isn't over you completely or he would be "easy like Sunday morning" as they say. He may try to pretend so that he doesn't look pathetic and he may even pretend to be really into another girl at first. He will need time to get passed the hurt and move on. All you can do is enjoy your new found freedom since it is what you wanted. Remain friendly if you still want a friendship with him and do your best to stay clear of any drama or negativity concerning him. It is important now that you don't fall back into your old patterns with him and that you don't send him mixed signals. Be fair to yourself by not worrying about him too much, it defeats the purpose of ending the relationship. You want to be civil but stand your ground, backsliding will only hurt you both more. Stick with your decision and move on with your life. In order to do that completely, he HAS to play a significantly smaller role in your life. Good luck!

Q: what are some really cool free iphone applications from the apps store. thanks:]

Pandora is my favorite app because it is a radio app that has no commercials and allows you to create your own stations based on artist, song, genre etc. The myspace app is ok. The facebook app is a good one. Urban spoon is good b/c it connects you with all restuarants in all areas and the info so you can decide where to go. Shazaam is one that helps you determine what a song is from a small bit of sound. My husband loves the game trace on there as well.

Q: him 17 me 15
ok so for about a month now me and one of my best guy friends have been being involved....but not dateing....well for like 3 weeks now people have been bugging me about dateing him but he told me he dont want me to ask him out he will ask me out and so this keeps going on...well today we were hanging out with our other frineds and they started asking if we were dateing and he wouldnt say anyhting and I said no and he just sat there and kissed me...It's been driving me nuts because everyone keeps buging me about i and not him and he dont get it...should I just give up on the whole thing with him since I have been waiteing a month or should I keep going forth and being annoyed untill he asks...if he ever does

He may like you a lot but could just be really shy. He also may be afraid that he is going to mess things up if you two start dating. I don't think that he isn't interested, but maybe he has anxiety. Be careful though because he may be weighing his options with another girl. The only way to know for sure is to talk to him about it. If after you have the conversation you are unhappy with the response you get, keep your options open and don't focus on him. You could consider dating someone else or whatever you choose. After talking to him you should get a better feel for where his head is with all of this. If you don't feel much promise, see other guys unless and until he changes your mind.

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I believe in telling the truth, so I will be honest with you. I also believe that when it comes to respect...reciprocity is key!
Any question that rests on your head is one worth asking.