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Can't get past it and can't get out
I have been in a stormy relationship with my bf 2 1/2 years. We are in our mid 40's. Both married/divorced many years ago. He wants to get married. For Christmas he wants to go shopping for a ring. I thought for a long time I wanted to marry again but, so torn up over this. The more that I think about this the more angry/hurt I become. I've tried to break it off many times. I know that the way we talk to each other is emotionally abusive. Probably me more so. I do love him. I hate what he's done and I can't seem to get over it. Long story short, he went out of state fishing met a girl 14 mo ago. An affair that lasted 6 months went on and she even flew across country to be with him a few months into it and met his friends. (told me going hunting out of state) Third time, he sent her a ticket to meet him out of state and she couldn't make it. I didn't trust the way he was acting, his cell phone issues, etc. We had numerous outbursts, to which he said I was crazy, etc. Then I checked the cell phone (8 mo after they had met)and found shocking pics from her that he saved. He denied it, erased it, blamed me for snooping and said a friend was playing a joke. I luckily wrote down the number they were forwarded from before confronting him. I called her and learned more than I EVER wanted to know. She said she broke it off 2 mo before, he had called the night before telling her to say pics were a joke to his girlfriend and she knew nothing about me until then. I left him and he just wouldn't stop calling, texting, calling from random or private numbers for over a month. I am so scared. They never talked about love (both said that) He says that it was just sex. My instinct tells me I can't trust him. Has history of cheating. I am hurting but, he won't let me grieve alone. It's been about 6 months now I still have flashbacks of various elements. I get angry and run him off and he gets more intense. It is as if he panics. I feel guilty sometimes. I question my motives and Do I just want to punish him?/Do I love him? He tells me he has loved me since the day we met and wants no one else. I don't know that I have the strength left to hope that I will meet someone else or could ever be happy with him knowing what I know now. I have not told my family b/c he says that will ruin everything. I lied to a friend for the same reason. I am humiliated, hurt and don't know where to turn. Before, even during and after Affair says "I LOVE YOU."
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I want to start by saying that I completely understand your hurt, humiliation and other emotions regarding this situation. I have been in a similar situation before and as time goes on you wish that you had gotten out sooner because it seems that the longer you stay in, the harder it is to move on, but also the dumber you feel. It seems that your ex wants you to feel bad for him, but guys almost always learn the lesson far too late. It has been my experience that even when you do feel sorry for them and decide to try again; they eventually get back to their normal routine of hurting you. It hurts us a lot because we love them and want the relationship to work. Relationships cannot grow when one partner is working overtime for it while the other person is having fun. He doesn't understand that his actions have destroyed your faith and peace of mind. Once that trust has been broken in such a foul way, the relationship can never be the same. He wants you to believe that you are crazy because he doesn't like that he was caught. The excuses about it being a joke and you being wrong for snooping are all excuses that I have heard many times before. He feels salty now, but that is it.... don't give in to his nonsense. As long as he is someone not to be trusted, he will be the wrong guy for you. You have to continue to choose yourself. Having been through marriage and divorce already, I'm sure that you are emotionally drained by all of this. Choose your piece of mind and continue to follow your goals. The happiness you want will be your choice. Live and go get what you want out of life and someone else could be waiting for you. Even if you decide to be alone for a while, life doesn't stop. A dog will do anything to get what he wants and that includes lying and deceiving you. He doesn't have your best interest at heart so let him go and cut all ties. Maybe in time he will learn better, but more than likely he will not. A cheating liar has issues that are more about themselves and little or nothing to do with you. So,don't allow him to cause you turmoil any longer. The point of ending the relationship should also include ending any hurt associated with him. Cut him off and if he stalks you, change your number or get a protective order against him. Show him that you are done and he will have no choice but to leave you alone. He just wants to play on your sympathy. It will be difficult at first and you will have random memories at times, but with time it will fade and you will surely get back to you. Love yourself enough to break the cycle and enjoy your life. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us so you have to live right now. Pick up a new hobby, a new book, hang out with good friends, and take up dancing or a music class or whatever your interests are. Once you fill your life with other fruits, he will have the small place in your mind that he deserves until you are completely passed him. It is also important to the healing process that you are honest with yourself and with those closest to you. Talk to who you are close with. They can help you so you are not going through this alone and they will understand. They can offer you validation when you need it and give you strength when you feel weak. You have already taken steps in the right direction. You can do it!!!Him saying "I love you" all the time is to keep you mushy and loving him. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, but he just doesn't know how to do it the right way. I'm sure that the two of you had a great love, but love alone is not enough.GoodLuck!!!and I'm always here if you need to talk more.
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