Ivy921's advice column

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Q: ok well for school we have to wright a persusive essay about something we feel strongly about adn i choose to wirght about abortion..well i was thinking that i dont really no that much about it but that it kills an innicoent child adn what it says on the internet..but i really need peoples opinions about why they are for or against it...i really need this nad its due tomorrow yes i no stupid to do things last min. but you no i forgot..

so whay would you be for or against or both on abortion?
please help!

Its about choice...I think a lot of people are missing that point here. You can be personally against abortion and still pro-choice. Its just feeling what may be right for you, or what you think is right for you may not be always the same thing for someone else. Its walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Bottom line, if a girl is lucky she may never have to consider abortion in her entire life. However, many aren't that fortunate and why should a law be overturned and take away a choice just because some people are morally and religiously opposed to it. (Last I looked there wasn't a state religion in this country though that seems to be changing .)
And its not only that its teenage girls who don't use birth control. Women have abortions in all phases in their lives for all different reasons and its really no one's business what they do but their own.

Q: There's this girl that I hang out with all the time. I've liked her for a while. Normally, we'd just talk about school and stuff like that, but lately, she goes to different subjects. She talks to me about how other guys keep coming on to her, and how she doesn't like most of those guys. She tried to call me and get me to go to her backyard at like 10 at night the other day. Also, whenever I'm with some of my other friends, who are girls, she gives me this really evil look. She used to do that to a guy she had a crush on before, so I don't know if that means anything. She's usually a pretty flirty person, but not to me, at least she didn't used to be. I just want to be know if you think she likes me, because I've screwed up signals before.

She likes you, or she just likes the attention you give her. Do you like her? That is important, because if you do, you can probably end up going out with her.. If you don't, just know that she is interested and be careful with her feelings.

Q: does it hurt to have sex the 1st time for girls?
will the guy leave you?
and im to scared to wear tampons so do you think it will hurt?

dont be a bitch.
i rate high

Gotta be honest. It hurt my first time. I also bled. Didn't feel so great the second time either... but then it clicks or something and its great. Hope that helps.

Q: Theres a man who is married that me and my best friend are friends with and I feel he has been acting inappropriatley with us. He winks at me when his wife isnt looking and I've caught him staring at my chest. This one time he invited me and my other friend over when his wife was at work and he started offering us both wine. Then he said 'lets play strip poker". We both looked shocked at him and he started laughing and said he was joking but the fact that he said it made me a little uncomfortable. I also found out that he confides in my other friend about his marriage and all his problems with his wife. According to my friend he tells her that his wife is stupid and that he hates her kids.
Does anyone else think this is strange behavior for a married man?

Not strange. But not nice, respectful or anything good. He sounds like a creep. Don't hang out with him anymore if you can. He sounds like trouble and something you and your friend do not want to be a part of.

Q: Okay, im only 14 and i wanna have a baby SO bad. My parents dont really love me((ive been told)) so i think this would help me alot. i've babysat for YEARS and LOVE children. I wanna feel loved when i come home and a baby would do that, and i think teen moms are closer to their kids. I plan on gettin pregnant in 10th or 11th grade.Am i making a mistake by wanting to do this.

I totally understand why you want to do this... but I do not think this is a good idea. You need to know how much work a baby is and how exhausting and if you feel lonely now, the lack of sleep the fact that you can't really go out anymore and the crying won't help. How would you support the baby? If you aren't close with your parents, you can probably bet that they won't be all that helpful. And friends when there are parties and proms and SATs to worry about may not find babysitting all that fun either.
Needing to feel loved and having a baby is a totally natural feeling, but if you think it through it may not be the best thing.
You can do things like working with children, volunteer in a hospital or at shelters or even at day cares after school. these kids will love you so much and you won't need to change diapers at 3 in the morning and it will help you feel good about yourself while doing good things for others.
Good luck. Keep me posted.

Q: 17/f

is it wrong to think lustfully about others? i mean i can understand if it gets 2 be a constant thing and you objectify them, then its bad.. but is it really that bad 2 have inappropriate thoughts if its only ocasionally? please help

No. its natural... its part of being a teenager/adult and i guess even senior citizen. People are attracted to people and imaginations run away once and a while. What you are feeling is totally normal.

Q: I do 25 crunches and 25 push-ups everyday. I plan to do more as I become better at it. I am trying to eat better, also. Is there anything else I should do to lose weight?

also add cardio like running, walking at first if you don't feel great running, biking, hiking, soccer, basketball... get your body moving.

Q: Hey peeps. I am thinking of becoming a goth. But I have some dilemmas.

1 my mom wont let me be what I wanna be. I know the consequences. I told me mom that I wanted to dye my hair black, and she freaked.
2 I cant get past the metaphores. To goths, gothic sayings may have a meaning but when I hear or see gothic sayings or quotes or whatever, all I see is stuff about blood, guts, and death.
3 Idont know any chain stores that has a lot of gotic clothing and silver jewelry with the gothic sighns.

Help.

Goth was initially more of a way of thinking and feeling that translated into music, poetry (often bad poetry) and fashion. Don't be 'goth' if you don't believe it. That's like being a poseur and who wants to be that. If you like the music and the look, do it a little bit, to the amount you like and just enough to bug your mom a little bit but not too much... and also find things that you like that isn't all goth. as for finding the clothes, ask the people whose clothes you like.

Q: Hey Advicenators! (;

I usually hate giving advice to questions like these, but I really need to know if what I'm doing is right. Basically, I have a boyfriend, and we've been dating for a month and a couple days. I really really like him a lot. He's been my best friend since I've moved here to Texas, and we just thought we should start being boyfriend / girlfriend. His name is Kevin.

Back in Pennsylvania, I had this best friend called Charles. We had been best friends since 2nd grade. But, we became REALLY close before I left PA because we knew that it'd be super heartbreaking for the both of us, since we wouldn't be together anymore.

I was completely sad because I knew that Charles didn't believe in long distance relationships. I knew I'd have to wait for him.

But then he found a girlfriend like a month after I left. I don't know her but I know that he has a girl. I was so pissed off about this because I thought he was "in love" with me. But obviously not. Then I met Kevin, like 2 months after I moved here.

Somehow he found out that I'm making Kevin a gift for Xmas, "100 reasons why I like you.." lol i'm pretty sure everyone knows about that. Then tonight, Charles IMed me and said, "Tell me 100 reasons why you love me.." & I'm like I'm not going to do that because it's unfair to Kevin, even if he never finds out about this conversation, I still think it's unfair to talk about US behind his back. He shouldn't even feel that way anyways because he has a girlfriend, right? Now he said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. And he's never said that to me before.

I'm not going to be upset about this, because it isn't my fault, right? I just need other peoples' perspectives on this.

Thanks for any help.
NaImEE ♥

You did do the right thing and I really admire your willpower and Kevin should be really happy he has a great girlfriend. My guess is that Charles is just upset because deep down a lot of people don't like to think their first love (or second or third, etc) is ever really over them. He in this case wants to have his cake and eat it too. Its not that he's a bad guy. I'm sure he's not, he just wanted to hear that you are still crazy for him, for his ego, because he feels the same way, for a million different reasons, and you didn't. I'm very impressed.

Q: First off I would like to say sorry for posting this more than once, but I need advice again. I think I am a compulsive eater. I can't stop. All I think about while I am eating something, is what else I could be eating. I also do not exersize. I am too lazy and I have no motivation whatsoever. What should I do? Does anyone have any websites? Or tips?

I weigh 225. In the past month I have gained like 20. And that is not healthy. What should I do? I need serious help here. My doctor doesn't want to put me on a serious diet.

I wonder if you are eating to mask something else that is going on? How's work/school? Family? Love life? Often times people overeat for the same reasons they drink too much, or shop until they are broke or even do drugs... its a way of making them feel numb to whatever else is going on. If that is the case, admitting whatever it is to yourself is the first step. There is I think overeaters anonymous, if you google or check your yellow pages to find out. If its that you are just soooo hungry... try drinking more water, sometimes people are more thirsty than they are hungry and don't know it. Also, is there a chance you could be pregnant?
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: Hi again!

Thanks for that helpful advice! I just wanted to share with you that the day before thanksgiving we hugged each other and he kissed me on the forehead. The feeling was so good that I didn't want to let of go him. I could hug him the whole night if I could.

Anyway, I give him chocolates and candies once in a while to let him know I like him. Will that help too? So what other things should I specifically do to let him know that I'm interested in him. The movie idea was good, but what else can I do?

Thanks a lot!

I think that you have to keep letting things progress at this pace. I know that seems so annoying, but I think bc you do work together that rushing into anything could cause more drama than you expect. If he doesn't make a move within the next two weeks--- go out for drinks. Things tend to progress from there.

Q: Hi!

I'm a 23 year old woman who is really confused about this guy (he's 25 years old) that I really like at work. I started working for this company during the first quarter of this year. This guy was already working at that time when I started working.

The first few months where pretty normal for both of us. We just treated each other as co-workers. But at that time I always thought that something special could happen between the both of us. I could say, I was already pretty much attracted at him at that time. Then he left for a month to go on vacation.

After he came back from vacation, he was really pre-occupied with a lot of things. To the point that we ended up not talking for like a week or two unless it was something related to work. Besides that no personal chats/conversations or whatsoever was involved.

After a couple of months, our relationship started to pick up. He started to email me at work even though we were just one cubicle apart. He also started to call me on my workphone just to ask me to accompany him and assist him with his task. He's been hanging around me a lot lately. He has asked me on a group date a couple of times this month. He even wants me to hang out in his cubicle more often compared before.

This guy keeps asking me about bands and love songs and ended up singing a love song beside me. He let me borrowed his cd with mostly love songs in it. He smells my perfume, notices my clothing and my shoes (by the way we both like the same line of clothing and said he wanted to buy the same kind of shoes that I have). He frequently calls my name and says it a couple of times. He even has a pet name for me.

I don't know, my instinct tells me that he likes me. But I don't want to assume and rush into conclusions because I might just end up being hurt and disappointed.

I am really confused. Does he like me romantically or does he only treat me as his work buddy? Or maybe he just enjoys my company? I think I'm really starting to fall for him. Can you please help me... Do I just wait for him to tell me he likes me? What if he doesn't? What should I do? Please advice!

Thanks!

He really likes you, its pretty clear that is the case. He may be hesitant though because you do work together and if you aren't interested or if you get together and it doesn't work out, then its so awkward. You also have to decide if those risks are worth it too. If they are, casually mention something like a movie that you think he would be interested in seeing too... say something like, we should totally see that together. I bet he'll make plans with you. Once out together, see where it goes. Don't force it, just let it go slow and see what happens.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: I've always loved dance and my world basically revolves around it. I dance at my studio that I've been at for about 7 years and I'm on my high school drill team. I'm now a senior in high school and my drill coach has made my love of dance a pain in the ass. She is constantly ridiculing us and telling us how bad we are! And, because of her I've not only dread going to drill practice but dancing at my studio as well. :/

My mom thinks that I'm using my coach being a bitch for an excuse on why I want to quit. Do you think that one person can ruin the thing you love for you? Or is it just me not wanting to dance anymore?

Its maybe a little bit of both. When you love doing something from the time you were young and you like doing it, and you have probably been complimented all your life when doing it, you may not take kindly to any form of criticism. That said, if the coach is being mean for no good reason or making the criticism a personal attack then there is no reason why anyone would like it. If you can, go to her office alone and explain how dance is so important to you and find out what she envisions for it and if it can match up with yours. She'll probably start acting nicer if she sees that you are really serious about it. If not, then I'd maybe consider quitting as well.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: 16/f
Alrighty, so I have liked this guy since this summer. when we met, he still had a girlfriend but now, they broke up. Well, his best girl friend came up to me and said "you should just ask him out...you know that you both like each other..." So my question is, how do i ask him out? I have never done that before, so I was wondering how to go about it.
thanks in advance

-me-

Well, if he is interested in you, you may not have to. You can give him a call/im/etc and say hi and find out what he is up to. Get the ball rolling and see if you both are still interested in each other. If he is, my guess is he'll ask you out.

Q: this is really long, but i really would like some help,please.

first off, im having a bad week. on sunday i got arrested. now last night, this started. my mom came in my room to say goodnight... but acted strange about it. i yelled at her because she didnt knock first and she begged and pleaded for a hug and a kiss goodnight, and when i still refused she started to whine and said, "but i might not get many more oppurtunities"... so i gave her a hug, and a really long one, and then she left and went to bed eventually. about a half hour later, i was going to the bathroom, and on my way back to my room, i saw my mom. she gave me another hug, and looked like she was going to cry. she started saying how she was sorry for not knocking, and she was sorry for all the things she did that made me unhappy. (she listed a few that have happened over my life) then she said she wants me to try to be good to my sister, and help my dad. she said to listen to him. she told me she loved me at least 6 times. she told me one of the happiest moments in her life was the day i was born. she said the other two happiest were when she married my dad, and the day she had found out i had won an essay on "worlds greatest mother" that i had written about her. she said dad would need help with things if she wasnt around. then finally she said, you better get some rest, time for bed. i keep thinking about all of this, what could it mean? and then i remembered, she has bipolar disorder, and she may have something else too that i havent heard about. whats happening to her? this morning when i got up for school, her and my dad were still in bed, and snuggled really close. i asked if someone could take me to school and my dad said he would. (usually my mom takes me though) so then she told me she loved me alot, and lots more hugs. she gave me lunch money and said goodbye, have a good day. i noticed shes wearing her wedding ring, which she never wears because its so hard to get off, and she wouldnt want to leave it on during the shower or while shes asleep. her and my dad love each other, but usually, my dad is already up for work by 7:30 and they arent usually snuggled so close to each other in bed. my mom told me dad was still in bed because they both couldnt sleep. so i went to school, pondering this all day. when i came home, my mom was putting my sisters new school picture in a frame to put over the fireplace, next to mine. she pointed out to me that if i ever need it, a picture of her as a baby, of the day she was born, is in the frame too, just behind the other three. im getting suspicious of whats going on, so i said, why would I need it? she said because valerie (my sister) is going to have to do a project in her class this year where she may need a picture of herself when she was younger. my mom has been saying my dad is going to help me through my arrest, and i'll get through it, she knows i can. if this was going on with you, what would you think? whats up with all these things shes been saying lately? is she dying?

Yes, her behavior is a bit troubling, and something maybe up... or not. Lets remember the first thing you said, you were arrested on Sunday. That's not like a small thing, its kind of a big deal. That really may have thrown her for a loop and made her feel that the family needs to be closer and work through the issues together. However, if you have a feeling in your gut that something else is going on, sit down with her have some quiet time alone over the holiday with her and find out what's going on. It may be something, it may be nothing and she may just feel that you are growing up and drifting apart. No one will really have the answer but her. Be prepared for the worst and be relieved when it isn't.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: In order to know the real me, you have to know me well. I'm usually shy around people that i know know that much. This sucks cuz im a totally fun person! No one knows who I am!! ALl the guys of course want fun girls to go out with. I'm not ugly because people have told me (not my close friends) that im pretty. A hott boy even said so himself! I just wish people could see the real me. Does anyone have this problem? CAn anyone help me??

Sometimes you may have to force yourself out of your comfort level and be more outgoing and more the real you in public. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain if that is the case. Its normal to be shy especially around cute guys, but wouldn't you just want to kick yourself it you didn't get the guy you like to notice you, because you weren't being the real you around him?
Good luck, it may be hard at first, but i think it will work out.

Q: 2 questions...17/f...ok
1) List some pregnancy signs i know everyones different and not all the signs happen to everyone but please list them so i know what they are??
2) OK i know you can get an abortion without telling your parents by going through court..so can if you have ever had one or no someone who has done it this way..please let me know how i can do this?
thanks xoxo
FHOHIL

How late are you? if its more than a week take a test. early on you may not feel much of anything. sometimes you'll have cramps in the beginning to make it feel like you are about to get your period then you dont. also, do your boobs hurt? thats also another sign. If you aren't sure, then thats a good thing, because you will totally know if they do.
As for abortion, i think its different state to state, but I think at 17 you can go without a parent and not through the courts. Check out Planned Parenthood website and see what that may say. Also, an abortion can't be performed until you are at least 2 weeks late, but no later than the end of your 3rd month, so bear that in mind with that going on. Also, if you do get an abortion, make sure someone goes with you, you will need someone to drive you home.
The most important thing you need to know is this: there are choices and options for you out there and its really your decision. There have been so many girls who have done terrible things like try and abort the pregnancy themselves like hangers, poisons, throwing themselves down stairs, awful things, all because they were scared about getting an abortion or something like that. Normally, it doesn't do anything to the pregnancy, but the girl winds up in the hospital then your parents will find out.
You are going to be ok no matter what as long as you make educated choices.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: Sorry its long But i Really Need Help!!!!

I just made a new friend from volleyball at school, my best friend is jealous because now i also hang out with my new friend. They both know each other. she says i ignore her but never do...sometime it feels like she's the one ignoring me like shes mad at me. We even had a fight about the problem just yesterday but i dont think the problem is solved because she still acts different around me. Its like she's changed in a bad way. How can solve this problem if she's never up front about how she feels? How can i know if the problem is solved?

She is probably insecure about losing you as a friend, which may not be how it is coming across, but that is probably what it is. Still, its not always the easiest fixing the problem when it feels like your friend is holding out on you on what is really going on. I think just keep on being her friend, call her and make plans with her and only her once in a while. Talk about normal stuff like what is going on in your life and ask about hers. I think talking and talking and asking what's wrong isn't really going to help matters. She'll probably come around, if not... well maybe she wasn't the person you thought she was. But i bet within a week or so it should be ok.
Good luck and keep me posted.

Q: ok i play basket ball and i have a game in a couple of days and i am on my period and i wear a white jersery with whight shorts and i am scrared that ill leak and it will show up all on my shhorts so how do let it dont leak out

Wear a tampon and a pad as well just to be safe.

Q: I have a question about this guy that isnt my boyfriend, he is just a friend of mine. Well I was talking to him one day about my grandmother and how she was coming down from her city which is about a 6 hour drive away to see my appartment for the first time. While anyways, after telling him this he said quote " and how is grandma doing"? I thought this was strange since he isnt even my boyfriend to refer to her as "grandma" instead of "your grandma". I mean by the way he said it it sounded like he already thinks of my grandma as his grandma too! Does anyone else find what he said strange? I would never refer to his mom or grandma like that!!

No, its just a familiar way of saying things. Some families and cultures do that. Its a way of being friendly. Its not that he thinks that your grandma is his.