so lately my dad thinks that my mum is cheating on him but it aint true. If the situationwas different i would talk to him but he s never in mood for conversations he only yells us and he also gets drunk. Anyways what hould i do
There is not much you can do. IF he believes he is being cheated on, alcohol is a good escape mechanism. One thing to take into consideration about drunks. Don't take it personally when they are jerks. If he thinks she is cheating on him, he is not gonna be happy and alcohol makes people lash out their grievances on others. Even if they have nothing to do with it. Don't take it personally. He doesn't know what he is doing or the damage he is causing. Men in general don't talk about their feelings. So don't take it personally. He is hurting and this is how he it trying to deal with it. If you see him drunk, its best to try to avoid him.
I guess the only thing you can do is let your mom know how he feels, then is she really isn't cheating, she might be able to talk to him and fix it.
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I'm going to school in a different city and want to find roommate in the area to live with for a brief time. I have been looking on craigslist and I want to know if anyone has found a roommate through them and if it worked out. I saw some postings for $550 a month all bills paid.
Yes. Its very popular and free. If you meet the person and feel uneasy, ask them if they mind if you run a background check on them. If they are weird about it, then don't take it. There's probably companies that do background checks for a price if it'll make you feel better.
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Hi I'm a 25 year old woman still living with my mom. I really want to move out but I don't think I can support myself right now. I work full time as a Clinical Lab assistant and I'm currently in school. Things are starting to get really bad at home in my area. I live with my parents and I'm paying half of the bills. There's a lot of drama and threats going on with my extended family & others. I don't feel safe with people threatening to harm me. I also take uber to school/work. How can I get some kind of help?
I don't qualify for University dorm. I'm looking for housing in the city that I go to school in. Its not the same city I live in. I'd be safer if I was out of the my city. I dont know if I qualify for housing though and I think it takes a long time
If things are really that bad, you might have to settle for renting a room in someone's house. or rent with a roommate. Figure out what you can afford. There might be someone like you. going to the same school or working at the same place who is also looking for a roommate. Maybe not ideal, but you are afraid for your safety, it might be a temporary solution.
I've lived in ghetto areas. Sure, there's gunshots from time to time, and I hear of an assault or robbery in the area in the news. But I've never experienced it myself. Keep your door locked and you're probably relatively safe. Just keep to yourself and don't go out late at night. Again, not ideal, but a temporary solution. At least noone is directly threatening you. Something to consider.
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I'll try to make this as brief as possible, but I just hate school. I didn't always hate it, even when it was bad. I went to a christian school with extremely poor academics but a wonderful community for six years, then spent highschool in a competitive arts school. While I always had some kind of underlying depression and anxiety issues, highschool brought it out in full force. It was a terrible experience and I've told everyone who will listen that I will not re-live it.
I was pretty set on my decision not to go back to college because of this. I have never had a long term goal in life, the closest to one I had was to graduate high school, which I barely made. But with a dog and a girlfriend who I aim to do the best for, I realized I have to further my education in some way to get paid enough to thrive.
The issue still remains- I hate school. I hate it so much I feel sick and the thought of going back gives me such a fight or flight reflex that I feel like I should be medicated for it. The thought of putting a pencil to paper in a classroom while a teacher (or now professor) lectures about something, interacting with other students, taking tests- it all makes me want to flip. I despise every aspect of it, but I know I need to get over this to make money.
How do I get past this? Is it even possible to make money without going to college or trade school? I used to not care about being poor, but I don't want that for those who'll be living with me. I just... really hate formal education.
I'm with ya about school. I also despise it. I went to college for a bit. But dropped out cause I hated it too much. I've worked with people who have college degrees and are drowning in debt because of it. Yet I make the same as them or sometimes more. Having a degree will make it easier to get your foot in the door. But the quality of your work will carry you further. I worked with 3 people with master's degrees and PHDs. I had to teach them how to do the job. When they company died out, they got rid of them before me. I did better work than them. Despite their fancy titles.
I worked in construction for a bit. Those guys make like 35 an hour. A lot of them are ex cons. Degrees don't matter there and its the same for many jobs. I have siblings with degrees yet I've made way more money than them. On top of that, they are STILL paying off student loans many years later.
Having a degree will make it easier to get a job. But that's about it, I think. Its the quality of your work that's gonna really make the difference.
Killing yourself trying to get a degree does not guarantee anything. I'd focus on learning a skill in a field you're interested in, if possible. I would say you need some skill/experience. It doesn't have to be fancy, you just gotta be good at it. I started off testing video games, those skills eventually led me to make some really good money, much to my surprise. The constructions guys
I worked with didn't know much of anything. Yet they made more $ than a lot of college graduates, plus, they're protected by a union.
The whole college education is blown out of proportion. You can still make a lot of $ without torturing yourself for a degree.
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I’m 16 and my dad has always been my idol. My mom went on vacation for a month with my sister (12 years) and my dad misses them but he doesn’t want them to come back. He asked my mom to come a week early but my mom said I because my grandma recently died. My dad decided to extend her ticket to two extra months. He said that since she loves her family so much she doesn’t love me anymore ( which I don’t believe) and that’s why she is staying extra long. I told him that my sister will be missing a ton of school but he’s not listening. When I confronted him he said he’s just joking but when I told my mom to screenshot what he said, he said that she can go find another man to live with and love because I can’t live with you anymore. I don’t know what to do
Since she went to this vacation on her own. I would imagine that maybe things aren't great. Unless of course, he couldn't get time off work.
Things can be complicated and things are probably going on that you don't know about and they don't
want to tell you.
Sometimes some time apart can help bring things into perspective and can be good for the relationship or help define it.
You should not pick sides and realize that they both love you and that it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes people just drift apart, maybe one more than the other. Maybe he is depressed and really believes that. If she really did still love him like she used to, I think she would make a bigger effort to demonstrate that. But ,like I said, things can be pretty complicated and you don't see the whole picture. You shouldn't assume anything. Just love them the same as you always have. Support and show your dad some love and appreciation now that he is down and you're the only one with him right now. But you shouldn't try to force anything from either of them. You might accidentally make things worse by trying to make things better.
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I need help. I've tried to kill myself 3 times in the past week and it's not working. I tried to hang myself the first two times and i can't find anything strong enough to bare my weight. I tried to overdose even though I knew it almost never works. Now I'm getting sick and I feel horrible and definitely not dead. I've told all my friends what I was going to try to do. Said my goodbyes. I can't deal with telling them that I failed in even that. I've cut myself for a really long time. I've never been diagnosed with anything but I also haven't told anything to my parents. I just am confused on what I even do now.
There's 24/7 suicide hotlines with people trained to help people like you. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). When you call, it says it'll play music while it reroutes you. You'll find a lot more help by talking with them as opposed to just asking for advice here. Life can be hard sometimes. Don't give up. Call them when you're feeling like doing it.
The thing with suicide is that we don't know for sure what's on the other side. Most religions say its about the worst thing you can do and you pay for it in the afterlife. If we just re-encarnate, there's no telling if the next life will be any better. There's lots of books that can help you change your state of mind, like "the power of now" and "the 4 agreements". Our life is what we think of it for the most part. I'm sure there's people way worse off than you that don't want to die. I'm sure there's people way better off than you that do want to die. Its what we choose to focus on. If we just focus on shit, all we will see is shit. I know its not easy to change the way you look at things, its gonna be a slow, gradual process. One thing that help, when I can remember, is "Never finish a negative thought." If you start complaining about something you don't like, don't finish the thought. If you finish it, it has way more power.
Thoughts lead to feelings, feelings lead to moods, moods leads to temperament. Ways of being become habits. If you think negative thoughts all the time, where you end up will most likely be a negative place. Its hard, I know. Once you have momentum in a negative direction its hard to get out. I've had my bouts with wanting to die, so I don't have to deal with any shit anymore. Death may be an escape, or it might only make things worse if you take yourself out.
Keeping yourself busy is a good way to not think the negative thoughts. Doing something creative or being in nature helps. Books are also incredibly helpful. There's lots of help on youtube. Jordan peterson and jay shetty on youtube have been a great help. Also a channel called "school of life" had a lot of topics around psychology and depression that I'm sure would help you too, if you would just watch them. I saw this quote somewhere: If you want to heal someone, make sure they are willing to give up what is making them sick. If your case, it would be the negative thoughts you constantly entertain that gives you the negative feelings that lead you to want to die. I know you can't go from doom and gloom flowers and sunshine, you have to gradually do it. There's this thing called "the emotional guidance scale" Look it up and try to see how you can steadily improve your mood.
I got a medical condition that made me want to die. I saw no point in going on living like that. Also, my living conditions were atrocious. Which of course made things worse. A year later, the condition went away and my living condition has vastly improved. It could be the same for you, you never know and you'll never know if you kill yourself.
Also, helping others and making others feel good is probably the best way for you to feel good.
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I'm almost Thirty now, I've been married once when i was 22 years old lasted two years then divorce.
My relationships didn't go well afterwards . And now i'm in a relationship almost a year now, Six years younger than me, At first i thought it was going really well he wasn't that serious all the fun and passion , but now when he started to be more serious talk about the future and kids and settling down i'm all nervous and uncomfortable, not because of my past, well at least i don't think that way..But i know im not in love with him he thinks different than me ,,we have alot in common but still it comes some time i can't stand being around him which by the way lately it became more,But i think if i would be deeply, compassionately honest with myself.. i know we're over. But that is a horrible thought im trying to ignore it.Does that ever work? Pretending that things are ok? i can't be honest with him completely i don't know what i'm afraid of.. i don't believe that he would've understand that.. i feel like drowning little by little everyday.. am i making this whole thing a big problem or should i talk to him and end it,, and if i have to end it how am i gonna do that what should i say???
Your heart is already telling you what to do. In relationships, people get sick of each other sometimes, its not unusual. But if you're unhappy and you don't see a future, if you feel like you're drowning little by little every day, then the obvious choice is to end it.
I think that you should be honest with him and tell him that you were married once and are not ready yet. Marriage is not something you're looking for. You don't mean to lead him on if there might not be a future with marriage and kids. If that's what he wants, then maybe its time to move on.
You don't sound like you really love him or anything, now things are getting more uncomfortable. Maybe its time to call it quits. Neither of you are getting what you want out of the relationship.
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I'm male, 23, going 24 soon, I'm in the military. I met my gf online and we've been dating online for a year. I'm finally separating from the military and my gf and I want to get together and start a life together. We are both inexperienced as members of society, that's why we planned to move in with a friend and his wife who are more than willing to share a place with us. But my gf is so stubborn. She keeps changing her mind and going back on our agreements, now she wants to stay where she is. We could get a place there but it would be inconvenient for our friends who will have to pack up and move across the country. What should I do?
If she is like this now, you can only expect things to get worse when you move in together, where ever that may be. I've had girlfriends where everything was fine until we moved in together. She already sounds like a pain, even though you love her. She sounds very immature and a drama queen. Now imagine sharing a room and house together. Drama seems to always escalate once you live together and are always in each other's face. I think you're better off without her. Don't think she is gonna change if you move in together, people generally don't change. If they do, it'll take a long time, if at all. She is already wishy washy and a drama queen and frustrating. I think it'd be a bad idea, especially since you sound like you haven't spent that much time together in person.
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I'm currently having a mental and emotional battle with myself because i'm having a hard time in figuring out what I want out of life and i'm too scared to go out and find the answer myself.
I keep living my life in fear and doubt that i'll never get anywhere and achieve my goals but I just don't have the confidence in myself to actually go out and look for what I need and it just gets on my nerves.
I've been listening to Jordan Peterson, he's a clinical psychologist and has a lot of videos on youtube. He helped me out of my slump and gave me direction. He could do the same for you. He also has a website and a series of exercises and questions to help you determine what path you want to take. I think its called "the self authoring program". If you are lost, I think it'd really help. He has a video talking about it on youtube as well. Another think you'd want to look at is "ikigai" Its like a little chart to help you determine what path combines your likes, strengths and other factors to help you find direction (google it). Hope this helps. Jordan Peterson is blowing up and there's a good reason, I highly highly recommend listening to him.
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14 year old female. For as long as I can remember, my mom has always spoken over and interrupted me. If we're having anything from a heated argument to a simple conversation, she'll listen to like half my sentence then start talking. Once, we were arguing and I was going to say something when she interrupted by screaming at me. When I claimed she interrupted, she replied that she "knew what I was going to say" but she had the completely wrong idea.
Worse than that, if someone asks me a question she'll answer for me whether it's 'what are you doing in school?' Or 'how are you?' Even my dad has pointed this out, and she does this to my two siblings as well. From the moment I was born, she has forced me to do things I don't want to do and decided I would be a lawyer. I don't want to be a lawyer, I want a creative carreer, and it pisses me off that she constantly tries to push back on my hobbies just because it doesn't fit what she wanted to be but failed at. I've tried telling her this several times and she claims that since she's my mother she can do this.
In addition, she's annoying in other ways. First of all, I remember I used to be suicidal (not anymore, have gotten phsyciatric help). I tried telling her I was depressed, and she told me to get over it and how she's had it worse-in fact, she yelled at me to get the FUCK over it. Then later on she invades my privacy by reading my journal and goes all 'why didn't you tell me you were suicidal?????' And guilt trips me through the whole healing process with 'you do NOT get to put me through hell and back and then...' everytime I do something she doesn't like.
Once she caught me with a girlfriend and figured out I like girls. I specifically told her I want to come out to the family on my time, on my own terms, especially since I was 13 and wasn't sure if I was gay or bi yet (or if liking girls was just a phase, for that matter) but she takes it upon herself to out me as gay to everyone she knows.
She complains I don't have a relationship with her. But she expects me to jump whenever she wants to do something while never doing anything I want to do. I'll give an example: I rented the 2012 Les Mis movie and invited her to watch it with me since Les Mis is my favorite musical. She decides to be on her phone the whole time. I try to talk about anything I like and she nods me off.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of being spoken over and guilt tripped over everything. She keeps claiming she wants to improve our relationship, but doesn't wanna do anything other than be all "I'm the mother so shut up" how do I deal with this?
Wow, we have the same mom. I feel your pain completely. Always interrupting, very self absorbed, never listens, turns anything I say against me, jumping to conclusions and if I corner her to where she can't defend herself because she knows I have a point, she'll say "don't yell at me." or "why are you always attacking me?", or she'll just straight up, get mad and throw a tantrum. She is very dominating and in her eyes, can never be wrong. She loves the "I'm your mother" line. Its incredibly frustrating. Nothing can get through to this woman, at least not coming from her son.
I gave up trying to change her, all I can do is change the way I feel about it. I watched a lot of psychology videos and a lot, if not most of the time, people are just going on automatic and they don't even realize it. On top of that, the person with the "disorder" can't see how they are being. Like someone who is blinded by rage. They are just taken over and its not till they calmed down that they can see the damage they did. But if your mom thinks she is doing nothing wrong. She will never change. Since there is not a problem to fix. A problem with my mom is that she has low emotional intelligence. She lets her emotions control her, not the other way around. She is very emotional. When emotions go up, intelligence goes down. So it makes it impossible to have a conversation about how she acts because she instantly gets defensive and nothing is accomplished, except that now she's pissed.
I've sent her countless videos about psychology and I tell her that this will improve all of her relationships, but she refuses to watch them. or she'll pretend to watch them or just lie about it to get me to back off. If I call her out on it, she busts the "Don't talk to me like that, I'm your mother!" and storms off. Its sad, really.
Its infantilism with a side of victimism in my opinion. Acting like a child because she never developed emotionally. She acts like a child. Throwing tantrums, yelling, putting others down, incapable to hearing any kind of constructive criticism, even facts, without getting emotional about it. Always needing to be right. Always blaming someone else. What's funny is that she tells me that blaming others is unhealthy and that you should look at yourself before criticizing others. But that's all she does, but can't see it.
One huge problem with people that think they are always right and think that they don't screw up too, is that they don't learn from their behavior. We learn the most when we screw up. So if they are convinced that they don't ever screw up or are wrong, then they can never do anything to change it. So they keep doing it like its alright. Anything negative that comes from her behavior is always someone else's fault. Loves the blame game. Throw the feeling of importance/power trip they get from being your parent, kids have little chance of getting through to them.
So you might have to accept that she has some psychological baggage that makes her act that way. And you gotta forgive her. She doesn't realize how she is being. If you don't forgive her and accept that that's just how she is, you're gonna get more angry and bitter. Once you turn 18 you can move out, so it won't be forever.
In the book "the 4 agreements" agreements 2 and 3 are "don't assume" and "don't take anything personally". They really help when dealing with difficult people. Another thing I like to do to brace myself when I know I pissed her off, is to pretend that i am transparent (like a ghost). And that being transparent makes any verbal abuse go right through me and won't affect me in the slightest bit. Cause its not words that hurt us, its what we think about what is said and how/if we identify with it. If I don't let her words get to me, I take away their power. If I think that these are the rambling of someone that doesn't know what they are talking about and are too emotional to realize what they are saying and how they are acting, then its my own fault for letting someone like that affect me. Because I know that their behavior is automatic and they can't help it. They don't know any better. Its up to ME and ONLY ME to decide if the poison that comes out of her mouth means anything. There's been a few times where the transparency think helped so much, I was amazed how well it worked. I don't even remember what she said. I also recommend looking up Emotional Intelligence on youtube. There's also at least one book about it. Also recommend the 4 agreements. Good luck, difficult moms are a doozy.
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I am a Chinese American 23 year old female and was just asked out by a 29 year old Indian American guy friend. I like him a lot but I know my family will disown me if I date/ marry a non-Chinese guy.
Do you know any Chinese Indian couples? Any advice on dealing with interracial relationships?
I'm not Asian, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I'm kind of the black sheep of the family. I abandoned the family religion because I wasn't being true to myself. Sure, they don't like it, but they understand that people are different and they can't control me anymore. So eventhough they don't like it and sometimes call me an idiot for making life choices that are different than what they would have chosen. But I'm not here on earth to make them happy, I'm here to live my life and if they don't like it, that's their problem. But my parents' love is more powerful than their idealisms. Sure, they may be disappointed in me. But, like I said, they're just trying to control my life and I won't let them.
Now, granted, that might have blown up in my face as I have asked for help from my parents since I rejected their religion. If they shunned me, it would have been much tougher. But also, bending at my parent's will my whole life and not being true to myself would have been worse.
Just like everyone, parents are programmed to think in certain ways and its damn near impossible to get them to see another point of view. They think they are doing what's best for you. I guess even if they have to use threats of exile if you don't comply with their demands.
I would say to test the waters first. Introduce him to them as a friend first and see how they act. Or tell them of a chinese friend that married a white guy or outside of asians and how happy she is. Look at their face and see their reaction. Think of little scenarios to test how they feel about it.
If you KNOW that they will do that. You gotta really think about it. If you are too scared to possibly get shunned by your family, then probably don't do it. But its messed up because what if you don't even like chinese guys and they are forcing you to only date them. Are you ready to only date chinese guys until your parents die? If you're not ready to do that and you are independent from them, then maybe you should. Just make sure you really do like the guy. Perhaps do it in secret for as long as possible to make sure that he is worth you taking that risk.
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I have this friend and he used to like me, but as soon as he met my friend he immediately moved on. I told him I was not interested, but I was annoyed and upset with how fast he moved on. That told me he wasn't very interested in me in the first place and it made me feel like he was desperate. Now, I am not interested in my friend in a romantic matter but he got over me pretty quickly. Now, he met my friend I want to say a couple of years ago. Ever since then, he will not stop talking about her. And so I encourage him to talk to her and to hang out with her. The problem is, she is not very responsive and I told him, she is VERY busy. I told him she enjoys his company and has fun with him. He talks about her NON-STOP. He tries messaging her and she does not always get back to him. At times there has been a week or two when she does not reply. I then told him to wait and not to give up. He got back to her, but, still she does not always reply right away. She has had a crappy last relationship and I feel like maybe she isn't ready for a relationship. He is very eager and initiates conversations with her. I do not know how often he has tried to contact her or how many times they have hung out. He also gets upset and he says CONSTANTLY he is going to move on. Then he starts talking about her, loses hope then says again he's moving on. I tell him many things like, if she isn't very responsive and does not get back to you, I do not think she is interested. He thinks she is very sweet and I think she is very kind to everyone. She's very polite and I think she might even have a hard time facing certain situations and does not want to hurt people's feelings. I tried endlessly saying to him, "if someone was pick and choosy with me, I wouldnt put up with it and I'd respect myself to move on like I did" or youve tried and you might want to hint on how you feel. I feel like he either might be beating a dead horse or beating around the bush. He's driving himself crazy about it and he talks about it basically everytime I talk to him, even though I like to follow through to see how my friend is doing.
Any advice? I don't think he is listening to me lol. He might as well figure out the hard way, or if not, maybe she will like him back.
What do you think? Would you say anything else to him? Actions speak louder than words, so if there isn't much response than move on right?
I apologize for grammar errors and thank you for reading.
Sounds like he doesn't want to listen to you. You've told him countless times to no avail. If its driving you crazy that that's all he talks about, you could tell him that if you two are gonna hang out, she is off limits. Explain to him that you've given your advice and he won't listen. And that you're tired of going over the same shit every time you see him. So make it very clear that the topic of her is off limits when you are hanging out.
Maybe he was desperate and since she didn't outright reject him like you did, he got his hopes up, now he's all clingy with this girl. But yeah, he has to move on.
About the part where you got annoyed and upset that he moved on. I've found that taking 100% responsibility for things brings ease to your mind. Even if its not really your fault or responsibility. I used to hang out with this girl, she was cool most of the time, but sometimes she was an unapologetic, evil bitch. I did nothing wrong, but she would take out her frustrations and anger at me. So I took 100% responsibility for her acting that way towards me. After all, I was the one that went to visit her. Knowing that she can be like that. So it really is MY FAULT. If I made it my fault and my responsibility, I could control how I feel about me own decisions that brought this outcome and learn from them.
In your case, take responsibility too. After all, you rejected him. Own that, take responsibility for that. The consequence was that he moved on. Accept it, you'll feel better. Don't blame him for moving on rapidly. After all, you're the one that told him to. Take responsibility for your words and actions. You'll feel better because you have noone to blame.
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I've been through a lot in my life, and a lot of people have hurt me. I've been sexually harassed/violated/abused, I watched my brother be brutally abused for several years, I've dealt with mental illness and eating disorders, I've watched my friends attempt suicide, I've had friends kill themselves while I'm on the phone with them--the list goes on.
My problem is that I forgive people too quickly. I can't help but still want to be friends with the people that have hurt me. I was "best friends" with the guy(s) that sexually abused and violated me, to the point where my legs were always bruised and I was covered in cuts and scrapes. They were my best friends until one of them moved and the other told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore for some reason. Also, the person who abused my brother has always been both a huge negative influence on me and also a role model.
Whenever I'm with these people, I feel an attraction to them that I can't shake off, but I also have constant flashbacks to what they've done that are triggered by tiny things.
I'm not even in high school yet, and I've already experienced a lot of things that not even grown adults have gone through. Maybe it's the hormones that confuse my brain and make me feel this way about the people. Maybe it's the substance abuse.
Why do I still feel an attraction to the people that have wronged me so much and scarred me for life? Should I let them go even though I care for them so much?
There is such a thing where captives or abused people eventually grow to like their oppressors. Its called "Stockholm syndrome". Look it up if you want to learn more.
Some people kind of start to like the abuse because they've had it for so long, its kind of all they know. Their self esteem is very low and kind of secretly believe they deserve it. So they're getting what they think they deserve. They get some kind of guilty pleasure and that offers a "release".
Being in a state of suffering produces chemicals or hormones in the brain, which, if the body is exposed to these chemicals a lot, it begins to crave them (like drugs). So, by being abused again, the brain releases those chemicals and the craving is satisfied. Thus reaching "homeostasis". Like when you really want your drug of choice, then you get it, you get that "ahhh..." feeling then you feel more "normal". Even if its destructive.
The ability to forgive is a great trait. A lot of people ruin their lives because they can't forgive someone and it eats them up inside. But in your case, its destructive and it perpetuates the abuse. So yeah, definitely get away from them. Get the police involved if you have to.
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I am on a time crunch. It is almost summer, meaning I will not bring enough income during the summer.
I left my teaching position because I wanted to find a job that I I would love. But after three months of job searches, I haven't had much luck. I know I should've been more prepared, but because of the lack of support I received at my teaching position, I had zero time for myself let alone to search for a backup position. I was miserable.
Now because of the time crunch, part of me wants to go back to teaching. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I kind of miss it. But then I realize that if I go back, I'd probably hate it again. Maybe because it's familiar? Maybe I'm looking for a better environment/support? I have no idea.
I am currently offered a legal admin assistant position, that wants me to start in two weeks, if I take the admin job at the legal office, I honestly don't think it'll pay enough to where I'll need it until years later, whereas teaching will give me what I need immediately, and I'm pretty much guaranteed a position.
I don't want to take the legal job, burn the bridges I currently have, then burn that bridge realizing I'd probably go back to teaching because of the pay. Plus, once I take it, I don't know if I'll be able to find the time to go in from interviews for a teaching position.
I have an admin assistant interview at a university on April 4, and that's the one I really want. However, based in my experience, i feel they will choose someone who has more experience than me. I feel like if I don't get this one, I'm probably going to go back to teaching.
Thoughts?
I can tell you what happened to me. I was at a job where it was pretty much cake. I was good at it, didn't pay much but enough to survive. But I was miserable. I got a job far away that paid 3x what the other job paid. I was laid off from that new job and I guess I burned my bridges and couldn't get my old job back. I didn't really want to work there anymore cause I was miserable. I ended up getting a better job with higher pay. So for me, in the end, it was worth the risk. I was happier and made more $. Until I got laid off from that job too. If I had stayed at the original job, I would be making bank now. So part of me regrets leaving a sure thing, eventhough I was miserable. Another part of me is glad I got out of there because eventhough it was a sure thing and now I'd be making more $, I'd probably still be miserable.
Now I'm making peanuts compared to how much I made before, but I'm also happier. We create our own misery and our own happiness.
Life taught me that money doesn't equal happiness. But you still gotta survive and make enough to live relatively comfortably.
So you just gotta weigh your options.
Option 1: Keep teaching. Possible outcomes: Nothing changes. You stay miserable at your job (unless you find a way to change the way you look at things). But through that job you might be able to another, better teaching job. But if you don't like teaching, then wherever you go, you probably still won't like it. But at least the money is secure. You can of course, keep looking for something better.
Option 2: Get the new job. Outcomes: Make less $, more volatile, you might not like it either, might not be able to go back to your old job. Leave things more to chance. But you might like it and be happy there and that may provide its own opportunities.
You gotta weigh the risk/rewards. Sometimes taking a risk is worth it, sometimes its not. But if you're miserable at your job it might be worth it to get a little more peace of mind. Just be prepared to be a little uncomfortable if it doesn't work out at your new job. Even if you can't get your old job back, you might be able to easily get another teaching job somewhere else.
For me, it was worth the risk because I got to expand my horizons and realized I was capable of making way more $ than I was making at my cushy job. Even though in the end I lost pretty much everything, I'm glad I took the risk and I grew as a person because of it. If I hadn't taken the risk, I would probably still have my cushy job, but making bank now. But I would probably still be miserable.
If you choose to stay at your teaching job, try to change the way you look at things. Of course, if you're miserable, you should keep looking for something on the side.
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17/f/South Africa
I asked a question about this two days ago but I wanna clarify things and make it more clear
So in grade 8 when I high school (14 years old) this teacher started at our school and it was her first year teaching so she was young (she's 26 now). She taught me biology and since grade 8 we were close and she was always there for me and knew about me than my friends and family and knew things like sexual abuse from a family member in the previous years and just everything. She left in 2016 to go teach overseas but I had her number and we still kept in contact and she said I must still always go to her and I did sometimes but not often cause I didn't wanna bother her. She always says I'm like her little sister because she isn't close to her sister and I definitely see her like another big sister. A few weeks ago I spoke to her when I was having a break down and I admitted a lot - I think I'm depressed and I relapsed with cutting a few times and we spoke for a couple hours and she gave me advice and she really calmed me down and I didn't cut for two weeks and she just really helped. When we were saying goodnight she asked me to keep her up to date with how I'm doing because she can't see me everyday anymore to make sure I'm fine. But now I've just been feeling worse and the cutting has gotten worse and she's the only person I can talk to but I don't want to bother her with this because she's on the other side of the world and she's 9 years older than me even though she says I can and I believe her I just don't wanna get annoying but I really wanna talk to her. But even if I do it's difficult because there isn't necessarily something specific making me feel like this I just do so I can't even explain how I'm feeling. What do I do? Do I message her? What do I say if I do. I also can't speak to my parents because when they found out I cut when I was 13 there was alot of drama and fighting and I don't wanna have to go through that again. We don't have school counsellors, it's a really small school. We have a counsellor on the church side but I wouldn't wanna speak to her because I've been to her before in grade 7 and it didn't help at all. So even though my teacher can't nessasarily help me get rid of depression, it's still nice to actually have someone to talk to and to listen and to get everything off my chest, but there isn't always something making me feel like this so I wouldn't have something to say to explain it. Sorry I know I copied and pasted and this but I needed to add some things in to clarify. Should I message her? And what do I say?
I think you're over thinking this. She offered to help and listen. She gave you her phone number and says you're like a little sister. I'm sure she wants to help you any way she can. Having someone you can confide in is really awesome. You're lucky you have someone like that. Most people don't.
One thing I would say is to keep in contact somewhat regularly. You can call her now that you're depressed and have her listen. But don't ONLY call when you need help. Call her to say hi when you're not depressed too.
As far as what to say, just call to say hi, how things are going where she is, etc. Then bring up your thing.
By calling her just to say hi (without bringing up bad stuff) she won't feel that you're only using her to talk about your problems. You should cherish this friendship because she is someone you can confide in. Like I said, most people don't have someone like that.
There are good books on youtube to help with depression and changing your perspective. Unless you have some kind of chemical imbalance, our depression is only because of the perception that we hold onto and what we focus on. We see the world through the lenses of our perception. If you change your perception, things will seem a lot better. Eventhough they're actually the same.
One great way to move on from something is to accept "what is". When you fight against "what is" you will always be torn apart because you're "here" and want to be "there". Accepting what is doesn't mean you have to like it. But you DO have to accept it. Even if things are shitty. Accept it. Otherwise, you'll always believe that happiness lies "there" and you cannot be happy because you're "here".
Some good books are "the power of now" by eckhart tolle. "The 4 agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Also "how to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. You can find at least 2 of those on you tube, you can probably find them all if you look around.
I would advise to try and figure out what you get from cutting. Is it that you feel you deserve it? and so doing it you're getting your just punishment? Is it that it the pain makes you feel alive? If you can figure out what that provides for you, it'll be easier to get out of wanting to cut yourself in favor of something else that "fills the void".
Also, be sure to thank her and make her feel appreciated. Its nice to help someone, but its nicer to feel appreciated when you do. Sometimes I don't want to spend my time helping people on here because most of them don't rate or say thanks. I don't care about the rating, as much as that I know they read it. A "thank you" would be nice though. I don't even know if they read my response. Sometimes I'm on here for an hour and I don't know if they even read it, let alone a thank you. That makes me feel unappreciated and it makes me not want to spend more time on here. So if she is taking time to help you. Be sure you express your appreciation. So she wants to keep doing it.
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21/male from Nigeria... since I was 10 years old i have a problem with my eyes they are constantly sensitive to light or anything bright.it just happened suddenly it's not like I hurt my eyes or anything.... I have gone see an eye doctor and he says it is caused by a refraction and he prescribed transition glasses.. I got the glasses but it did not help at all so I just stopped using it. Am embarrassed to say this but I have not always practiced good oral hygiene,I brush my teeth once a day but not with the right technique because I had tatar and my gums would bleed when I brush.... so three years ago I discovered that four of my front up teeth and four of my down front teeth are loose/shaking so I went to a general hospital to see a dentist and did teeth cleaning (scaling and polish) and the dentist assured me that as long as I practice good oral hygiene my teeth will be healed and strong again.... I have been doing everything the dentist told me to do but my teeth is just getting worse, I go for regular cleaning every six months... But there seems to be no change..... Three months ago I went to a dental clinic for consultation after a couple of tests the dentist told me I have chronic periodontitis that the bone surrounding the affected teeth are being destroyed,he said that I have to do a root canal surgery....All this years I have been really depressed and I have a low self esteem ....am suppose to enter school this year but I can't because I want to use my tuition money for my treatment....I have problem with my eyes and now this! a lot of thoughts have floods in and out of head... . (Thoughts like all of this is my fault, what if I lose those teeth, what if I do the surgery and it fails, should I just end my life?I don't want to die, but if I end up losing those teeth I might not be able to bear the embarrassments the shame, I will literally become an outcast) at times I just sit in my room and cry.
Worrying only makes things worse. Not only does it damage your body, but it also prevents you from thinking clearly and find solutions. The more you entertain negative thoughts, the easier for more thoughts like it to come to you and it'll continue the torment. So do your best not to think about it. I highly recommend a book called "how to stop worrying and start living" by dale carnegie. It really helped me and I'm sure it would help you. You can find the entire audiobook on youtube.
I'm also sensitive to light, so I just wear sunglasses if its too bright. No biggie.
Onto the teeth. I would try to look online, maybe there are treatments for it that are not mainstream, that are not normal medicine. Alternative treatments.
In the event that you do lose your teeth, you can always get fake teeth like dentures. But that's gonna take some money of course, but it'll solve your problem. You might be able to get it on credit or some other payment plan.
There's even cheap dentures that are more like fake teeth that go over your teeth. For people that have bad teeth. They don't look as good as the legitimate dentures, but it might be better than missing teeth. That's for you to decide.
Its important to not focus on the thing you don't like or dreading something happening. Even if those things never happen. You still stress out not only your mind, but your body as well.
A root canal is not a big surgery, its pretty common. Just make sure you go to a good dentist.
When we keep entertaining negative thoughts (about yourself or your life situation), there is a negative emotion associated with those thoughts. So you feel bad, as you feel bad, more thoughts of the same nature or "vibe" will flood into your mind IF YOU LET THEM or entertain them. Those more negative thoughts also bring negative emotions and the more negative emotions brings more bad thoughts. Its a downward spiral. So its very important to catch these negative thoughts sneaking into your mind and stop them right there and immediately think about something else. Or have a phrase you say to yourself when you catch negative emotions. For me, I like to use "the correct answer is, who gives a shit." For example, if I'm somewhere and I start thinking what other people think of me, I start speculating what they might be thinking of me if they like me or not, then when I realize I'm doing this, I say to myself "the correct answer is: who gives a shit" That usually stops the pattern for me. Find one that works for you.
One time, my girlfriend at the time got really drunk and was going around flirting with guys at a party. I saw this happening, but I was in such a great state of mind (because of meditation), that I saw the bad thoughts that would cause me to feel bad or angry coming into my mind. I saw them coming into my mind and when I started to entertain the thoughts or believe them, listen to them, pay attention to them, etc. I got a little more angry and sad. I noticed this and said to myself: "If I couldn't think these thoughts, I couldn't feel these feelings." So I stopped paying attention to those thoughts and the anger and negative emotions went away like magic.
If we let these negative thoughts run freely in our mind then its easy to become depressed.
In my personal experience, there have been "catastrophes" in my life. Not like real real catastrophe, just one that affects how I view myself and my life. Different than yours, but still a catastrophe in my mind. I also wondered if life was worth living after that point. And I have to say yes. A very crucial part of this is your state of mind and you have to accept what is. You don't have to like it, but you DO have to accept it. There's a little trick when someone doesn't want to accept what is. That is to tell them "Can you just accept it for one moment, a few seconds even; then you can go right back to not accepting it if you want." Usually the person will say yes or at least try. And will find out that if they CAN accept it if they really tried. Its quite liberating to accept what is. Even is "what is" is not what you want.
There are solutions to your problem. You might have to get dentures, big deal. At least there's SOMETHING you can do. You don't know FOR SURE that you're gonna lose your teeth, so why worry? and if you do lose them, there is a solution. So why worry?
Hope this helps. Another good book is "the power of now" by eckhart tolle. This is good for a healthy state of mind and accept what is. Might be on youtube, not sure.
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I don’t know why I’m so picky and shallow when it comes to guys. So this is part 2 to my “how today I approach this guy?” Question. But anyways do you have any tips on how to stop being shallow? There’s a guy who I think he’s really cute and really nice but the problem is every time I contemplated on talking to him my mind just started picking out unattractive qualities to get me to not even try to strike up a conversation like “oh he’s not tall enough or his voice is too deep” “or he’s not even that cute” even though in reality I don’t care if he’s that tall as long as he’s taller than me (which he is by like 3 inches) and I don’t care if his voice is that deep just as long as it’s not annoying. but now that I didn’t talk to him due to my mind saying these things and the shyness it’s been bugging me all week and I think I blew my chances cause I don’t think I’m gonna see him again for awhile so any tips? My standards aren’t even high either as long as you have a personality that I can vibe with and I find you physically attractive then it’s fine
In my life, there was this girl that liked me and I wasn't interested because she wasn't attracted to her. We hung out as friends for a while and we had such a good time together, we did end up dating for many years. So, its more important that the vibe is good. Lots of times, people that have a shortcoming one way, make up for it in other ways.
Its about what you choose to focus on. If you choose to focus on the faults. That's what you'll see more of. Same with if you focus on the good. So, you can choose to focus on his good qualities. Every time you start getting those little annoying thoughts, quickly replace them with something you like about him. If you entertain the "bad thoughts", you give them power and they have the power to alter your mood and perception. The more bad thoughts you entertain, the easier other thoughts like it will come to you and the more they will affect you and how you feel about that person. So, stop them in their tracks as soon as you notice them popping up and replace them with something good.
The same goes for the thoughts you entertain about yourself. Sometimes people choose to focus on the negative thoughts about themselves and they do the same towards others. Nobody is perfect. Its good to realize that and to focus on the good. After all, nobody is perfect, including ourselves. So why should we expect anyone else to be perfect? We gotta accept people for who they are, faults and all.
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I am 17 and in high school. My boyfriends mom is in the hospital and valentine's day and his birthday are coming up. With high hospital bills and little money I don't want to put him in an awkward position if he doesn't get me anything even though I want to get him something. What do I do.
Tell him now that you understand his situation and that its alright that he doesn't get you anything. Its kind of important that you do it now, so he is not stressing about it.
I don't know if it would be a good idea to give him a valentines day gift. He might feel compelled to get you something. Or feel bad that he couldn't get you anything. I don't think guys really care for valentines day. So I don't think he'll really care if you don't get him anything. Spending some nice time together would be enough.
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My 63 year old dad was recently diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer’s. My family dynamic is not exactly easy to mobilize to help with the long haul we’re in for. I don’t live in the same state & my sister (who does) hasn’t been much help (outside of directions ive tried to put in place from time-time).
Making matters worse is my dads 20 year girlfriend. They own a house together and are technically in a legal “domestic partnership”). She has never been very supportive in any matter, let alone something like this. She still works and travels almost half the month for business leaving him at home for 2-3 days at a clip. All the while interacting with every man on social media when out of town. If you saw her FB, you wouldn’t even know he she is with anyone. No pictures of them. No check-ins, likes. They’re barely friends.
They have never really been too in love...more like convenient partners after each of their first divorces. We’ve begged him to leave her several times (prior to the his health concerns) to no avail. Even when we see the frustration & depression sinking in through the years. He does not want to be alone (which i fully understand).
My sister has always said they’d take care of him, have him live with them if ever needed but he has always been a stubborn one & would never agree.
Neither my sister or my dad’s gf have helped with the doctors, appointments, paperwork...
My father is getting worse. Is on medication (when he remembers to take it) and conversations are slowly becoming harder and harder with everyone.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I’m the only one that can diffuse the situation & lead things on the right path. It’s pretty impossible for me to move back home & every time i start the ball rolling with everyone, it always gets dropped and nothing progresses. It pretty much digresses every time and i have to start all over. My dad has alienated his friends and family over the years. Mostly because of the girlfriend. She always finds a way to piss them off one-by-one until they eventually stopped coming around completely.
He is on disability (gets something each month to live), has an ok (not exceptional) amount of money in savings, retirement plans that he can use (but hasn’t drawn from).
The main problem is the girlfriend. If we forced her out, it would lead a path for destruction. First, my father would be devastated if she ever left. They own a house together. Believes that he is and has always been in love with her. I’ve tried talking to the girlfriend, leveling with her, but she plays doe-eyed deer every time. Promising to help & take the lead, but never does. I’ve asked if nothing else if she could make sure medication is being taken & i still have no confirmation ever. She wouldn’t even take a morning off of work to drive him to a doctors appt & is completely manipulative. To her and pretty much everyone.
By not helping at all, she’s endangering my father every day. I’m trying to stay positive as much as possible, but the appearance is that she’s content with things this way. Uses it to her advantage some times, manipulating him by claiming she said or done things that i know 100% are inaccurate. She’s always been like this. And now it’s frightening to think she could be using it to her advantage every waking minute of the day because he won’t be remember most of it anyhow.
Should i be taking any preliminary legal actions at the moment (he refuses to sign a will by the way) in order to prepare for a fall-out with the girlfriend?
Should i hire a private detective to watch the girlfriend in case there is a domestic partnership battle over anything?
Has anyone had an experience like this with a difficult loved one & a manipulative spouse/partner?
Any advice at all would be sincerely appreciated! Thank you.
I would say talk to a lawyer. It sounds like she has legal claim to the house if cause its in both their names. Also, if he has Alzheimer's, maybe he is not capable of making his own decisions (talking about the "sound mind" part of the will). So, maybe the family or the lawyer decides what goes to whom. I don't know how that works if the person is not of sound mind.
If the lawyer says she has the right to this and that, and you suspect that digging up dirt on her would help your case, bring that up to him. See if it would make any difference if you succeeded on getting dirt.
If she is unwilling to take care of him appropriately, you might have to hire someone to take care of him.
He might be aware that she is using him to a point, but he'd rather have that than be alone. Especially now that he's like that. So she might be the lesser of 2 evils.
I've heard that coconut oil can have a positive impact on Alzheimer's. Maybe even cure it. Not sure if its proven, but some claim it works, including some doctors. Its worth looking into.Good luck.
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For the longest time my dad has been verbally abusive to me telling me things like shut the fuck up i have no brain stop being useless among other things i thought that after my brother’s death he would change but he hasn’t living with him is tough i feel like i’m walking on egg shells he makes me cry makes me feel like i’m not good enough will never be he makes me want to give up and not do things have a why bother what’s the sense attitude when i’m around him with other people he acts nice but that’s not what happens behind closed doors he’s a totally different person his way of thinking is he wants to hurt me so i will learn a lesson and i won’t forget if i don’t do something around the house he’ll flip out or if he has to tell me to do something he’ll get aggravated he has no patience he criticizes everything i do calling it constructive criticism even criticizes my appearance how i look
I don’t know what to do anymore my only escape away from him is work moving out isn’t a option since i have nowhere to go and none of my family lives in the same state i do traveling is easier said then done
He is miserable and he takes it out on you. Some miserable people like to spread their poison.
I doubt talking to him will change his mind about anything. So if you can afford it, get out. Get a roommate if need be, rent a room at someone's house. Some have private entrances and a separate bathroom. However, if you leave he might not let you move back in if you move out. You really should try to get out of there. Nobody wants to be in that environment. You can get a lot of free furniture from craigslist.
"Nothing is inherently good or evil, but thinking makes it so." AKA Words can only affect you if you let them. If you can't move out, you have to change the way you think about his verbal abuse. One way is to feel sorry for him because he is so miserable. He can't help but spread his poison. Its become part of his personality now, he can't help it. He's sick.
I had a girlfriend that freaked out and said and did horrible and sometimes violent things. Someone saw how she acted and told me she was bipolar. I researched it and it made sense that she might be. My way of thinking about her when she acted like that changed. I started seeing her as someone with a mental illness. Eventhough she was verbally and sometimes physically abusive, I felt sorry for her. "She can't help but be that way, poor girl." I thought to myself. That made it a lot easier to put up with her crap.
Perhaps think of your dad as having a mental disorder that makes him treat you like that and he can't help it. Maybe his father was also abusive to him, and now he's doing it to you. A lot of times the children of abusers end up being abusers themselves. Maybe that's what happened. So, it really might have nothing to do with you.
So change your mind about WHY he acts like that. Feel sorry for him and accept that it really doesn't have anything to do with you.
Something you can do is to mentally prepare yourself before you get home. Remind yourself that whatever he says, it has nothing to do with you and that you will not give any importance to the poison that comes out of his mouth. After all, they are the ramblings of a madman. (so to speak) He can't help but be that way.
Another technique when he is yelling at you is to make yourself "transparent". By this I mean that you imagine that you're just made of air and the yelling and insults just pass right through you and don't affect you. (like a ghost). I know its weird, but I've used it and its worked for me. Though, it may take some practice.
I really do think you should see what you can do about moving out. Its hard to be zen and happy with someone like that around. Good luck, hope this helps.
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