AMSxO's advice column

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Q: i am in a relationship with a pastor for almost 8 yrs. Most of his church members think he is still with his wife , he is not divorce her yet but he is living with me. Now sudenly his wife is working night shift as home health aid, he has to go sleep with his son every night and left me alone. what should i do now?.I am so depress and i feel likekilling myself

If a man can make you that depressed to the point where you want to kill yourself because of his actions...it's time to leave him! Why couldn't he take his son and stay where you guys live? Makes no sense, he's making no effort. But then again his child will always be more important than anybody else so if you can't understand that well then maybe you're not cut out for the relationship that you guys have. He has to support his child and be there for him. But you saying that it makes you want to kill yourself...well that's another thing and you need to get out. If you can't be secure in your relationship then this isn't the one for you!

Q: I got ur ans she is 24 and she does not live with me she actually started to do this from the age of i8 she force me to send her another state to go college on good faith i send her i put her 5 times college but she failed all those class the only reson she does not attend the class i did not stop paying the rent i was scare that she is girl and she will then go and do the bad things any time i ask her all wrong doing she gets arogent and tell me if i dont pay she will be hooker she is very pretty and i get worry i cant make any convarsation with she will not talk i know she is in denial i wish her turn around she is good person good student but dont understand what is her best intarest in life i dont know how to make it easy i am so worried i wish something miracle happen.

What you do is...stop paying her rent! Lose contact with her until she gets her head together. She is old enough to know right from wrong and if she refuses to see the right and wants to put herself out like that...let her! That doesn't show if you're a good mother or not..it shows that she chose the wrong path. You have to let God do his work because you're out of options sweetie.

Q: Ok, so me and my boyfriend have been dating for about a few months now and we really like each other and he has lately been asking if he could touch/feel them, what should I tell him, oh and I am 12 and he is 13, Thanks.

I advise you to slow down. You're only 12, not even in your teens. You have so much to look forward to that's not sex related. Just go do the things a 12 year old is supposed to do...and that's not one of them. As far as touching goes, have him touch your hand instead :)

Q: I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we are very in love with each other but it's def been a rocky relationship.We broke up 2 months ago for a month and decided to get back together bc we love each other too much. Everything was really good, the best its ever been actually... but then two weeks ago he started acting distant. On weekends he would just go with his guys and during the week he wanted space. I confronted him yesterday and asked what was going on. He said he wants space from me for a week and that he has a lot of tests to study for and things to take care of. So I tried to be understanding but yet today (when he was supposed to be so busy) he studied a little then went out with his friends. I just wonder if thats right that he needs space from me but none from his friends even tho he spend more time with them. It hurts and I confronted him about it and he was a complete a hole to me. He's gone thru this phase many times before but not since we've gotten back together. I personally don't think its right and somethings going on. What do you think? Is this normal?

It is pretty normal. But do you really want to be with a guy that needs "time" away from you? I think you deserve somebody that pays more attention to you and wants to be with you more than he wants to be with his friend. And especially since there is a chance he could be locked up, he should be wanting to spend time with you! I think you need to say goodbye and find somebody you deserve and somebody that will pay as much attention to you as you will to him.

Q: so my boyfriend and i have been dating for a little over 2 1/2 years. everythings been going fine up until last month when he started becoming really clingy. when i would want to hang out with my friends he would think that i like them more or that hes not important. we used to talk every night on the phone for an hour but i stopped calling every single night because ive been so busy. but its hard because every time i try to explain it to him he asks the same questions over and over. and when hes sad like this it really brings me down. it seems like ive been putting a lot of time into making him happy lately. we do have a long distance relationship, he lives 30 mins away and i only see him on weekends in the summer and maybe once or twice a month in the winter. so anyways, lately ive been noticing other guys. and there is this one guy i like. its just that hes nice and funny and we get along so well. no one knows i even look at anyone else like that, and its hard to even admit to myself that i like this other guy, because i just get guilty every time i think about it.
so as of now i cant see whats better for me. at times i think im so stupid for liking this other kid at my school, but other times i just find myself happier when im with this kid at school, then when im talking on the phone with my boyfriend.
dont get me wrong, i love my boyfriend a lot and he has always respected me, but his attitude and his actions lately has just been suffocating me. and maybe my way of escape is through this other guy at school. but i, finding myself falling harder and harder for this guy. i dont know if he likes me or not, its so hard to tell with guys. but all i know is that i am attracted to him and i dont know what to do about it.

You're not technically a long distance relationship..it's 30 minutes. If you guys wanted to make it work you would...that's not that far! It's my trip to the mall. It seems like you don't really care and that you don't really love your boyfriend. I think this is where you guys need to split and you need to find your own happiness because everybody deserves it.

Q: So, My boyfriend dumped me a few months ago, and i still want him back. Which method would make him regret dumping me more; going around acting like I don't care about the breakup, and flirt with a lot of guys, OR be more reserved and chilled out, and look like I miss him? Your advice is deeply appreciated.

Neither one.

What you do is have fun with your friends and act like you are just fine. Don't flirt with other guys, he will think you're just worthless and weren't even worth his time and he will most likely think you never gave a crap. Just go out with your friends, this is where your friends are your back bone!

Q: I need advice on boys. 13/f. So I've like this guy for about 5 months now right? And I know he likes me because my friend overheard him talking his friend about me. So now it feels kinda awkward around him. I get jealous when he hugs his female friends. We barely interact during class and outside of class. I'm tired of waiting for him to make a move. I want action! What should I do???!!!

As a lady you shouldn't have to make the first move. Saying hi, talking to him, casually chatting is not technically making a move. Just be friendly and keep your distance. He will come your way when he is ready, you don't want to scare him away but coming on too strong. Let him go on his own pace but still show you're interested! So say hello next time you see him, ask him how his weekend was, or did he hear that new song that was out, etc. You're 13 you can't be rushing too fast...you have to take your time!

Q: While I was on my period, i decided to stop taking my birth control & had sex WHILE i was on my period. Now i'm 20 days late, is this an imbalance because of my birth control, or could i be pregnant? help please!

When you are on your period it's not as likely that you will get pregnant. 14 days AFTER your period is when you are fertile so that's the part you should worry about. Since you siad it's been 20 days you can take a test but I don't think you are pregnant. Sounds like its an imbalance in your hormones since you just abruptly stopped taking it.

Q: i have a daughter who is very much rebilious and arogent with us she does not listen any thing she lives on us and we r paying for everything still she does not appriciate anything and very spoiled i dont know what to do i am geting sick everyday and its my only child.

Would be nice to know what age she is.

But, what you can do is not pay for whatever SHE owns personally. So of course it's up to you to pay rent/mortage, YOUR cell phone bill, your utilities, etc. But anything that is not directly connected to you...don't! yes it's tough love and she better learn how to love it. She has no respect for you and better late then never so show her who is the boss. Don't buy her anything, don't do anything "special" for her. Until she gets her crap together you are officially without a child.

Yes I know easier said then done but I have one of my own!

You have to stand up and be the boss even if it is the last thing you do!

This is where YOU tell her to grow the eff up and you don't do squat for her. Since she thinks she is so grown to talk down to people then she can be grown enough to take care of herself!

Q: Okay so I'm going to my best guy friends sweet 16 birthday party this weekend. It's not a drink till you pass out party. It's a Bon fire with music and a lot of my other friends are going as well. I do like this kid...but I don't know how he feels about me, and I have a boyfriend but no one knows i like him. Anyways he says he just wants money but I kinda wanted to actually get him something. Some of my friends say that I should get him a movie or something simple cause guys love electronics and stuff. Is that a good idea? Or is there another option? I don't want to get him anything that flat out says "hey I like you" I want something more suttle and simple.
Also what should I wear to this occasion? I want to look good but like effortlessly good. And I don't want to just go in yogas and be a bum. How should I dress for this?!

I think you should just get him a video game he likes or even something like a new cd that came out.

As for your outfit, why don't you wear a coral shirt, that's what in and looks super cute on, with maybe white pants even though you're going to a Bon Fire. Might be better off actually wearing white shorts if that's something you would like.

Q: i do sex with my gf but during sex after 5 mins i got tired. And my legs and stomach strating pains.
So what i do..?
Suggest me plz

It sounds like you have a medical problem. I don't think it's anything with you personally. Go see a doctor and tell him, you might just need to get your blood work checked and see where your testosterone levels are

Q: The other night my boyfriend decided to check my FB page and found evidence of flirting back in 2009. Now he thinks I lied abt saying he is the only one for me. Please note I didn't actually meet him till 2011 though we started talking end of 2008. How can I mend this rift when he refuses to talk about it? I'm 36. Also please note we are currently 11000 miles apart.

Honestly? He sounds like he's 12 and got butt hurt over a message. You cannot have a normal relationship with a man who refuses to talk about something that affects the way you two communicate. To put it shortly, leave him and be with somebody that respects you enough to believe you and not call you a liar!

Q: I know I have to do it to keep myself sane. Because of the situation I mentioned, I was uninvited to my godsons birthday(also my nephew) so I didn't go and neither did my dad. She didn't ask why my dad didn't go because he will tell her why and she wont like it. Yes i know she didn't deserve that phone call, but I;m a good hearted person. She owes my whole family an apolagie and to own up to her mistakes and show everyone that she's sorry and not to just say it because their just words. Its very hard to blame her actions on the booze, at the same time she remembers what goes on because she tells our mom.

You can't let her get to you or get the best of you. Her keeping you away from your nephews birthday is something that just crosses the line. No matter what she feels for you that is not acceptable. But some people are like that. You have to realize sometimes there is no good in people. And if she can still recall what crap she said or what happened then no she wasn't that drunk and you can't excuse her problems. But she does have a problem that she needs to take care of before losing everybody. Let her stay miserable and you make your life something better!

Q: Thank you do much for the advice, very helpful.

Not a problem, I know how hard it is. But you have to do it, for you!

Q: Hi. I really need to find a way to be alone with my bofriend. I want to give him a blowjob, and he really wants one. The only problem is, we're never alone. When we're not at school, we're being supervised by our parents. How can we find a way to be alone with each other? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I feel like if you are not old enough to not be around your parents and do something else...you are not old enough to be giving a blow job!

Q: 19/f, I've been in with my boyfriend for a year. We used to send each other cute texts almost every night and it of course lightened but now I feel like it has stopped. We still love each other, and I brought this up to him asking if he still feels the same way about me, then sent him an old cute text and told him how we haven't exchanged any of those in a while. He reassured me that he feels the same way, and ended up sending me a cute text that night. But it has stopped again. I guess I'm the type of girl that needs reassuring? opinions? am I crazy for this?

My fiance and I used to do this before. When I woke up, when I went to bed, when I would just be laying around I would be getting cute texts from him...it has stopped! But you know what, to get the ball rolling why don't you try doing it to him and that might get him to start doing it again. I'm sure it wasn't a one way street before either...to where he was just saying it and you didn't say anything back. Start it up, be more sweet, bring the spark back and watch how fast you guys will reconnect.

Q: My sister is 8 years older than me, I am the youngest of 3. She has a drinking problem and kissed my fiance on the lips and said it wasn't sexual, and passed it off like it was nothing. I got upset and left her house, we haven't talked in a few months now, I called her to talk to her about what happened and said I dis-respected her by not cleaning up my step-kids plates( which in fact I did so)Basically, I think its just an excuse because I am right and she is wrong and is too suborn to apologize to me. She lies to my parents about my fiance putting words in his mouth that he talks bad about my parents, which they obviously don't believe her. We are getting married next year and well she really doesn't seem to care. Any advice on this situation?
Thanks

As the person before me said, she seems to have a bigger problem than what you are aware of or anybody else. I think this is where you have to put everything else aside and stick with your family, as in your fiance and step kids. She doesn't seem like she cares much about anything besides herself. If she was big enough of a person she would have called you to talk about what SHE did. You did not owe her that phone call but you were mature enough to still call her. Just let her live her life and you live yours. You cannot keep trying to fix something that is obviously broken. She is your sister, sober or not, you don't kiss your sisters ANYTHING rather yet a fiance! Walk away before she makes you go nuts!

Q: The guy that i have just seen around well we was talking tonight and he asked me to come over so we can just talk. So we just talk and what not and listen to music and got to know each other some and He is 16 and I'm 21. We live in the state of south carolina. Is that wrong? We both are gay. But our parents kinda sorta know. But he says he trusts me and I trust him. He asked for cigarettes and should i get if for him? He asked me out tonight. I really like him and he likes me. I'm not sure what to do. help please.

One, that is illegal. That fact aside it sounds like he might be using you. Don't buy him cigarettes, don't do much for him and just figure out what he really wants until you get that bond and trust going....don't fall for the crap.

Q: hi ya, my boyfriend and i live together and we've been dating for 2 years. we've been saving up for getting a mortgage recently. he was at work the other and he texted me said, ''he's in a happy frame of mind because may be, he's with a very nice girlfriend,'' what is he saying guys? he says he loves me at least 4 times a day but he hasn't made this sort of comment lately. he used to when we first started dating. so, guys, what does he really mean? thank you all.

That really does not say anything at all..except that he's happy. Don't read into it because it's nothing bad and nothing serious. You guys live together after all.

Q: (I'm a 15 year old girl) I've known this guy for 4 years and we've grown close. He's like a brother to me! He has a girlfriend and they've been going out for just over two years. A few months ago, I seriously started to fall for him. It brought tears and that time really hurt me but I promised I would try to move on and he promised he'd help me through it. However it left his girlfriend wary. She's never really liked me but now she completely hates me and doesn't trust me around him. I've sworn I'd do nothing to get between them and I think I've lost the crush, but I still care for him greatly. It's kind of like I love him, but as a friend and not in a relationship way. We are still young so I don't want to come across as anything stupid like 'Obsessed' with him, but I need to tell him how I feel and why I still act like I fancy him even though I don't. It's complex...but I need advice. I just hope he's mature enough to understand in which way I love him.

One, you're 15. At 15 to a guy, there is no way to "love" him except to be in love with him. Don't try to explain it. Distance yourself from him just because it will make you look like the bad one. Take your time away from the friendship. Don't try to explain, let things go how they're supposed to and everything will fall into place. Explaining things just makes it more difficult especially at that age. Move on and do other things. You don't owe him an explanation, he has a girlfriend for that!

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Hi,

I am leaving my name only as [AMS]. I feel like I came to this website to help people that are just as lost as I was at one point in time. My name won't make a difference. I remember thinking that if only I had somebody to share my story with, to tell my secrets to, having somebody I could trust completely without worrying. I never did have that security. I feel as if those things actually were present in my life I wouldn't have made the same mistakes I did with friends, boyfriends, family, drugs, alcohol, school, etc. but we all learn! So lets go on this crazy ride together ;)

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