spacefem's advice column

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Q: I'm gay, is that bad?

depends on who you are. if you're a real asshole it'd be bad because you'd be giving all those nice gay people out there a bad name.

Q: i have dis friend dat likes dis otha friend but i waz talkin 2 d phone wit dis friens which it a boy n he waz z lyk sweet talkin me n said he is no worrin bout m otha friend so y d next day he was like i like ya otha friend dat kinda hurt me cuz on d phone he was like we sound like a couple and ya betta gurl den ya otha friend so dat reallu hurt me what should i say 2 dis friend dat is a boy without him tellin all his friendz wha i told him!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????

My advice is to speak english.

Q: Well see this one day i ahd my friend call my boyfriend up (i know not the best idea) and i had her ask him this one question on a scale from 1-10 1 being you hate her and 10 being you love her and he rated me a five thats like he thinks im ok well i donno if i should dump him or not i mean we have only been dating like 2 weeks and gone out on one date but only in a group of friends should i give him time or push him away?

Lots Of LOve,
Very Confused Girl

That was a stupid question. Why would you ask someone to rate their feelings for you? If he'd said "10", would you start planning the wedding, is that why you asked him that?

If you like him, date him. If you don't, don't. Don't force him to rank his feelings. Heck, you're the one asking advice on the internet, you obviously don't have your feelings figured out or you wouldn't be here, so how can you expect this guy to?

Q: There is this boy in school that I live.He loves me back,but here's the problem.There is another girl in school he loves(she loves him back,too).Even though he said he loves me more,I am still worried that he will dump me 4 her.What do i do?I can't help but 2 love him!!

Rule of thumb: any guy who will tell any girl that he likes her better than the girl he's currently dating is NOT A GOOD GUY TO DATE. It doesn't matter which girl you are. If a person in a relationship likes someone else, the responsible thing to do is to get out of said relationship before dragging other people into it. This guy is a jerk. Do not like him or love him or date him or anything.

Q: Hi, im 16 and wear a size 16/ 18, Though out my life i've been bullied and now i want to get my life back on track. I'm getting an exercise bike to use in the house and go to the gym for 2 hours a week. If and hopefully if i lose the wait how much sould i am to lose im a vegan so i ony eat friute and with the size i am it should just fall off so doctors say. But hoq much is dangerous. 10 lbs in a week? i really i want to be a size 8 in 6 montths for when i go to college i am good at exerciseing at the gym. Am i out of my reach????
please help if you've been in my sitionsion the advice is more then welcome. lots of love

On a healthy weight loss program you lose 1-2 pounds per week. There are magical shakes and stuff that claim to help you lose like ten pounds in a day, but those just make you lose water, not fat, so it comes right back and you get sick.

Your goal should be health, not size. A size 6 just isn't realistic for some people, your body may not be built like that. The average woman is a size 14... if you're a ten, that's pretty skinny.

Q: I am almost 13 years old and i havent started my period!! I know that you can get your period until the age of 16 or something like that but (i know this is a little freaky)what if you have hair down there? is that a sign? please help!
~help!

You should see a doctor if you haven't had it by the time you're 16. 13 is sort of an average age. Don't get too excited about it, it's not all that great.

Q: ok i have been playing soccer for 7 years is there a chance my hymen could have torn already because i was reading a sex questions and one person answered that if you are active in sports that your hymen has already torn? ALSO WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE AFTER THE HYMEN HAS TORN? i want to know if mine has torn or not

Okay, a hymen is totally different for everyone, and it's not all that special. A lot of people barely even have one, after you start your periods it starts to disentigrate anyway, so for many people it's not even there after the age of 15 or so. It doesn't matter if your hymen is torn, it has nothing to do with virginity or your worth as a person or anything, okay?

Q: hey my best friend really likes this guy, and he likes her too. Me and my friend made a deal, if I dont have a boyfriend she cant have a boyfriend, if i dont have a boyfriend she cant have a boyfrind. (i know kinda dumb) we told each other we wouldent break the deal. I cant find a boyfriend all the guys are taken. Im popular and pretty, but there is a problem the guy that my friend likes is who I like too. She dosent know. I think he likes me too, but he likes her more. He flirts with me all the time he touches me and you know the drill. What should I do? Does he like me? Should I tell my friend? PLEAZE, PLEAZE HELP. SIGNED
confused

this is the stupidest "deal" i have ever heard of. Friendships should be about how you feel about each other, not who you're dating. Stop being drama queens and go out with who you want to.

Q: haha.....is humping wrong if your in a REALLY Godly relationship and your limit should be "kissing" ?

Would you be comfortable telling your preacher that you did it? Maybe not? Then it's wrong.

Would you do it with someone you weren't sexually attracted to? We often hug, kiss, and hold hands with friends and relatives, but we don't hump them (at least most of us don't, if you do we can address that in a seperate question). If it's something you're only doing out of sexual attraction, then it might as well be sex.

There's no reason to avoid intercourse if you're still participating in sexual activities. If you want to avoid having sex, then don't do dirty stuff like humping, that's my advice.

Q: I am a 21 year old female and I have been with my 26 year old boyfriend for 4 years now. We are in love (at least I think he is still in love with me.) In four years he has done more for than anyone would do for just a 'girlfriend'. I love him more than anything in the world but last year I was supposed to move in with him but the day before he told me we shouldn't which left with another year lease at my apartment. Now we are supposed to move in together this fall. Im wondering if he will change his mind again. If he does should I break it off? Another thing is that I am ready to get married and him being 26 should at least start thinking about it. He keeps telling me to be patient. But how long am i supposed to wait? I don't want to be unmarried forever. Please help.

Seriously, this all depends on what you want. If you don't want to be unmarried forever you need to tell him that. Ask him for a timeline. That's not too much to ask. Six months? A year? If he blows you off with the "maybe a year I'm just not sure." then tell him you want someone who's sure of what he wants and LEAVE. Don't wait around or settle for the mediocrity of just maybe thinking about moving in together once a year, life's too short to screw with that.

Q: the past day I constantly feel I need to urinate, what is wrong with me, do i have an infection?
do i need to see a doctor?
what do i do?
i also have a weak bladder control

You probably have a urinary tract infection. If you've never had one before, you should go to the doctor. If that's all it is they'll tell you to drink lots and lots of water and it goes away in a day or two, but if you're not sure you'd better see someone.

Q: My 29 years old sister suffered from fibroadenoma, two and half years ago, which was removed surgically. Now, again she has felt a lump in that same portion. the size of the lump reduces after her periods. there is no pain, no discharge. but in the previous case,pain and discharge was there. she is also planning to get married very soon.
will it be advisable to marry with the lump?
What should she done?
Is it true that fibroadenoma disappears, when she will be pregnant?
Is there any non surgical method for this?
Please help

she needs to talk to her doctors, but why on earth would she consider not getting married, just because of a breast lump? That's insane. You have to live life no matter what state you're in. Unless she gets too sick to physically put on a dress and walk down an aisle, she should totally get married, if that's where her heart is.

Q: Why do you think people are so fixated on having a boyfriend/girlfriend? I can't count the number of "omg I've never had a boyfriend, help me" questions on your site. Why can't people be satisfied with themselves? Is it some kind of psychological perception of themselves as incomplete? Insufficient? Sure, I have a wonderful boyfriend who treats me wonderfully and loves me for who I am (not to brag, sorry) but hey, I didn't get him by obsessing over "omg I don't have a boyfriend!!" Why do people think obsessing over it does any good? Why do they cause themselves the stress?
No, I'm not ranting, I'm actually asking you what you think causes this. I like your advice. :D

People naturally want what they don't have or can't have. It's really stupid, I know it, you know it, most smart people know it. There's nothing I can do but keep telling people that it's okay to be single.

Your story is like most of the ones I hear... you get a boyfriend by being cool and not thinking about it all the time and acting desperate. Nobody wants to date someone desperate! But who listens to me? sigh.

Q: Dose anyone know a good marine biology school and whats the best way to get scolarships to it or anyother place. The only way im goin to collage is if i get a scholarship. Any ideas?

Well, it'll have to be a school by the ocean to start off with. But if you're really limited financially you don't want to be asking us what the best school is... you want to go somewhere close to home that's not too expensive. Look into public schools near a coast. Biology is one of those degrees where most people go into some sort of graduate school after their first degree, so it's stupid to get your bachelor's at an expensive private school, in my opinion. Go public and make sure they have a program, it doesn't have to be the best in the country it just has to be there.

Q: my son will start secondary school in a year and already he`s been told how the year 11 pupils put the year6 head down the toilet and push them around, hes panicking over this, ive explained that its all just a myth but hes worried, can anyone reassure him that this doesnt happen

I have heard of older kids harassing younger kids, but when I saw it the younger kids usually started it by being punks and trying to pick fights to impress girls. It goes without saying that they lost said fights. So tell your son that most older kids have better things to do than pick on every single 6 year student (it'd take all year just to get to every one!) and if he doesn't do anything stupid he'll be fine.

Q: me and my bf have been together for 2 months but we spent alot of time together, i know he still wants to be together but i think it just isnt working, i dont like him as much as he likes me. I want to break up but i dont want to hurt him, how should i do it - as nicly a poss?

You can't break up with someone who likes you without hurting them, sorry. You need to sit him down and tell him it isn't working. You don't need to outline reasons or feel guilty about it or anything, just do it. Breaking up happens and it's nobody's fault, but the sooner you get it done the less he'll lose out so hurry.

Q: my son is 9 and we live in quite a rough area, hes always enjoyed playing outside with his friends until some of the older boys started jumping out on him and grabbing hold of him as they knew how upset he`d get, i had a word with these boys and they appologised and said they didnt realise they were getting to him as they did. however they still did it for the buzz of it and he`s terrified to go outside the door now, he doesnt play football or anything he loved doing and i really feel for him as i can see hes down about it, what do you think i should do?

I don't think you have to be terribly concerned. This sort of thing happens often, and although he's probably pretty bothered by it now, I bet in a few days he'll be right back to his normal self. Kids are always getting rough and getting mad at one another, but they bounce back from stuff 500% faster than us adults do.

Q: My boyf moved 350 miles to start a life with me and our baby, he left his family and friends to be with me. I love my boyf more than anything but his past gets to me. Every relationship he has had has ended because hes been with another girl he loves the attention of girls and when i first started seeing him he had a girlfriend so i know how he can be. When my baby was 8 weeks old his brother came to visit us and i think it upset him he felt a bit left out of his old life, anyhow when i came home one night i found my boyf sending dirty txt messages to a girl. He spoke about her but never in a way he fancied her, it broke my heart and threw all my confidence i had in myself, him and our relatioship away. After many long chats i decided to give him another chance. He has been brilliant to me but Im so scared that it will happen again its been 8 months since it happended but it still hurts like hell. I get so moody and grumpy with him when i think about it i know the way i act could push him away how can i get over this. How can i forgive and forget?

Sending dirty text messages? You are really paranoid. It almost sounds like you expect him to cheat on you. What's up with that? Look in the mirror and tell yourself that it's best for you and your baby if you have some confidence in him. He doesn't sound like such a bad guy so don't give up on him.

Q: hi please can you help me i am 16 and scared that i will get cancer, my mum had cancer she nearly died, my mums sister had cancer she died and then my dad's dad died of cancer do you think that i will get it please help

Your chances of getting cancer due to family links vary according to types of cancer and other factors. Talk to a doctor about it, they'll be able to help more. Either way, we can all get cancer. For example, 90% of women diagnosed with breast cancer have absolutely no family history of the disease.

And if you don't get cancer, you can have a heart attack, or a stroke, or you could get hit by a bus or attacked by a moose or choke on some grapes and die tomorrow. How much energy you want to spend worrying about death is up to you, but in my opinion it's mostly a waste of time. We all die. You just have to take care of yourself, eat the right foods and don't smoke and get exercise, and if you die, you die. Don't worry about it so much you forget to live.

Q: One of my best friends is going out with a guy that treats her like trash. He wont let her hang out with her friends, he makes her do his homework, and if she so much as talks to a guy he runs out to beat him up and then screams at my friend about it! She doesn't even like the guy for crying out loud but she stays with him because when she tries to break up with him he starts crying and saying he's gonna kill himself. She says she can't hurt him like that, bla bla bla. What can I say to her that will make her see what scum he is? I've tried and tried and nothing works. Help!

You've just named all the top red flags of an abusive relationship. You need to go hardcore, you owe it to her. Visit your school councilor or nurse and ask for all the pamphlets and info she's got on abusive relationships. You don't have to tell her anything (yet) if you don't want to. Just get whatever you can and pass it on to your friend before this guy really goes off the wall. Threatening to kill himself? Yeah, this one will be in jail someday, hopefully not because of something he did to your friend.

bio

I've been in the advice column over five years now so I think I've pretty much heard it all... the love, the hate, the random insanity. I don't take it too seriously, so I'm not always giving the best advice, but my column is fun to read!

I am a 23 year old electrical engineer, a feminist, a Christian. I don't know everything but I can sure pretend to.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm on advicenators I'm getting even more questions every day. It's fast and easy for me to answer them, yes, so at least I'm answering something now, but if your question contains the words "there's this guy that I like..." chances are I won't get around to it. I'm only answering interesting questions that I haven't answered before. Register at the site and ask everyone for advice if you must have an answer, because if people read my column and boring love advice was all they found, they'd never come back.