A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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I am purchasing a Macbook Pro next week for myself, and I know enough about taking care of a laptop and getting the most out of it, but I just have one small question for those who know a little more about laptops/computers.
Considering I will need this laptop to take me through the next 4 or so years to come, I want to make sure I keep it in the best possible state.
After reading the manual for the newest version of Macbook Pro (13"), it says that the laptop should be put to sleep, unless I don't plan on using it for a couple of days or more.
It just sounds a little strange to me.
So let's say that I'm going to bed at 12pm/1am and don't plan on using my Macbook again until 11 or so the next day...would I be just putting it to sleep or is it better for the laptop to be shut down over the course of +/-10 hours?
Thank you in advance! (link)
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Sleep is fine generally. I put my computer to sleep almost every night. Shut down a few times a week for a fresh restart, it just helps keep things running quickly, but generally sleep is fine.
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Okay so there is this real close friend of mine.We are classmates. And we had this sleepover, a couple of us, guys and girls. I just broke up two months back with my bf who cheated..so i am still getting over it...And my friend broke up a few days ago. We ended up chatting throughout the night, and i dont know what happened but we ended up kissing each other too..it was not our intention of doing ANYTHING like that. we pretty much have feelings for our ex's and not each other. i dont know why and how it happened.
we have promised not to tell this to anyone. and that this incident will stay a secret between the two of us forever. but i feel weird about it, i feel disgusted for doing such a stupid thing now. do you think things will change because of this? i am scared he would tell someone which i really dont want.HELP. how should i handle this? (link)
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I'm sure he'd appreciate the disgust.
Will things change? No idea. That involves alot more knowing who you two are and what you're like and alot less guessing over the internet.
The only way you'll find out is to talk about it. I mean, maybe you both have feelings, maybe just one, maybe you're both just missing being with someone and went for a little intimacy with someone you trusted. Regardless, you need to chill out about him telling someone and just communicate with him without any other concerns. Who cares if he tells someone? I mean, you obviously, but why does it really matter?
If you want to figure out more about this, start a conversation and make your feelings clear. If you love him as a friend and everything else was just you being lonely, then he kinda needs to know that. He might have some feelings for you, he might not, but if he does and you keep quiet he's probably going to lose his shit over it.
Address it now. Deal with the awkwardness and talk to your friend, figure out where you stand.
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This girl wont leave me alone. She makes fun of me because Im mixed, my mom is Puerto
Rican and my dad is black and mixed with white, she makes all these jokes calling me a piece of sh**t and talking about how the UK is better and that shes all glamorous up there. shes keeps saying that I live in texas so I have to catch what I eat and etc, and she keeps saying she has a life but she wont leave me alone .All these insults telling people that I eat dog and saying that Im a wetback and all of this is NOT true. She keeps getting on my nerves and no one likes her because shes racist, but she bothers me mostly because she knows it really bothers. Ive tried ignoring her but shes still doing the same thing. How do I get her to leave me alone?
(link)
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I'm all about confrontation.
Ignoring her is an option, but here's the thing. If you ignore her entirely but she can still piss you off visibly, she won't stop. You just become an easier target.
I'd call her out on her racism. Ask her if she came up with her views herself or if her parents are ignorant shits and she just copies everything they say, ask her if it makes her feel better to make fun of someone for the way they were born because she was obviously born as an insufferable jackass and has to find something that's worse to be born as.
Being unaffected is key. Not letting her get to you, not letting her have the pleasure of a single frown. Racists are pathetic. They are people so inadequate in their own lives that they have to have something simple to put themselves above others. Thing is, these people are generally stupid and mostly worthless.
Being unaffected is about more than just turning the other cheek. It's about finding these people laughable, about letting them know that all you see them as is a walking joke.
So ask this girl what about her life sucks so much that she has to bother you with her insecurities. Ask her why being her race makes her better than you and laugh at her responses with "that's the best you can come up with?".
With people like this, I generally like to get them talking in public. Stupid people always hang themselves with their words, that's why everything they say is one or two sentences long. Call her out on it. Ask her where she got her beliefs and then make fun of her answer. Show her for the prejudiced ignorant idiot she really is.
Or, you know, ignore her. Because she's totally going to stop ragging on an easy target.
Bonus points: Call the UK "The 51st State" repeatedly.
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Hi, my girlfriend has her exes b-day party coming up and I don't want her to go. She says they have mutual friends which is why she is going. She also said that if it wasn't such an uncomfortable situation that I could come. But why can't I go so that I can mark my territory? He should see me and see how happy she is with me? I am scared something will happen between them because he still has feelings for her. I don't want to confront her about it because she already thinks I am insecure with our relationship but I find that she is being inconsiderate in going to this guys b-day. Please, help me in either calming me down or give me ways in which I can approach this issue with her. (link)
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She is not your territory.
As to the rest...
I'm married. If my wife wanted to do what your girlfriend is doing she wouldn't tell me I couldn't come. I probably wouldn't want to, either. But then, I trust her. If an ex started coming onto her she'd slap him. I've seen it happen, and I'm not in any way insecure. If she wanted to go alone I'd let her. If she wanted me to come I'd come. If she didn't care, depends on my mood.
You aren't in my relationship. Wondering is driving you nuts. You're young, you're inexperienced, and your relationship probably hasn't existed for very long. You don't have my security that the girl you're with will give a harsh rejection to someone who comes onto her inappropriately.
You have two real choices here. Trust her, or don't. If not, the end point is obvious, you break up. If so, talk to her. You are insecure, so admit it. You've got a valid reason here. Being told you can't come is not the same as being asked if you mind if she goes alone, is not the same at all as it being fine. Why can't you come? I think whatever happens you kinda deserve a detailed answer to that.
Don't accuse. Don't get worked up. Don't get angry or upset or hurt. Just ask, hear what she has to say, decide if this is working for you.
Trust me, the straightforward, adultish approach of honesty and a clean break if needed will save you alot of pain int he long run. She isn't being inconsiderate by wanting to go, even by wanting to go alone.
But in the relationship you're in right now, there's nothing really wrong with you not being OK with that. You haven't been there long enough for the trust to be there. She has every right to expect the trust if it's innocent and you have every right to be worried that it's not innocent.
But that means there's a big gap between the relationship and trust she wants and what you're ok with.
People call things like this dealbreakers for a reason.
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So my relatives husband has apparently been looking for a job for a while and cant find one but keeps living in my aunts house, doesnt pay for anything and seems to be able to go on vacation and buy fancy electronics. Point is my b/f just got a new job. Its a labour intensive job lifting heavy items up to 90lbs. She asked me if he can put down my b/f name on his application as someone he knows in the company. Her husband has a serious back problem and cant lift heavy objects, stand or sit for long periods of time. Therefor I know he either wont get the job or get the job and not be very good at it. I dont want to let them use my b/f name because I dont see it ending well but dont know how to say no. Besides even if I do say no whats from stopping them as putting him down anyways. Help I dont know what to say I grew up with her and dont want to hurt her feelings. (link)
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Uhh, he has to put your boyfriends name down. Companies worry about nepotism, which is basically having employees who are related to each other or who know each other well and who might give each other perks, promotions, or raises undeserved or something similar.
If he's specifically asking for a reference, you can be honest and tell him about the job requirements and that your boyfriend can't lie to his bosses if they ask him about things like the back condition which would make him unfit for the job.
If not, and it doesn't sound like he is, then yes he has to put your boyfriends name down or else he could get a job and get fired for not providing the information before being hired.
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The guy I asked out says he liked me too but he just broke up with his girlfriend. I just find this as an excuse because I've seen it all before where I was interested in a guy and they make excuses saying they've got a girlfriend when clearly they haven't or they just broke up with their girlfriend so I could forget about him. I asked out my ex boyfriend and he was with someone then and broke up with her so he could be with me straight away. And no, my ex didn't break up with me because he wanted a rebound, he broke up with me because we didn't see each other anymore.
Well, this guy I'm talking about hasn't shown any interest in me, if he's not interested in me, why can't he just be honest and say "I'm not interested" instead of making up lies and excuses. (link)
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Probably something to do with not pissing off a girl who's got the kind of attitude where she seriously thinks she's seen it all before and knows how guys work before she's graduated high school.
Guys are not one identical stamped out model. A great many of us need time to get over a serious relationship just like a great number of girls do. He might be both uninterested in you, and uninterested in girls in general, he may be one or the other.
Why exactly do you need more than a no, anyway? Are you aware that if you go about it with the attitude that a guy has to justify not wanting to date you, that that kind of attitude makes you unattractive in and of itself? People are dishonest because they want to avoid _your_ reactions. When they're even being dishonest, which you have no foundation of proof to say whatever guy is.
The probably less than 10 guys you have interacted with in your life in a romantic capacity do not make for a compelling statistical sample of anything.
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A friend of mine has asked to meet a cousin of his GF, shes 17 and im 29... We both are ohio residents.
Im afraid to even meet her for something that might not be legal.
Please advice if i should say yes or no, with legal considerations about age of consent in OHIO... (link)
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Wow. Asked to meet, you assume sex right off the bat. 12 year age gap, and you're asking on an advice website if it would be legal. Was googling "ohio age of consent laws" or something similar too hard for you?
You're quite the prize. You should say no. No 17 year old needs to get into a relationship with a guy your age who thinks like you do. Well, no one of any age really needs to, but a 17 year old who needs to be thinking about her own life rather than jumping into yours and all the issues I can only assume lie therein really, really doesn't need to.
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I've been dating this guy for about a year and he says he's ready for us to take our relationship to the next step but every time we'd come close to having sex I'd ask him to stop. The thing is, I was sexually abused as a child (it started at about 5 or 6 and didnt end until I was 12), which he doesnt know. His younger brother (my best friend) and my older sister who helped stop the abuse are the only ones that know about it. Im actually surprised that I can talk about it here. Anyway, because of that Im just really nervous about having sex (to say the least). I know theres a difference between rape and sex. And I like kissing and making out with Kevin, but whenever he touches me or when he starts to get a little rough from being so 'over excited' I just freeze up or freakout. He thinks Im being a tease which is definitely not the case, so ofcourse we just end up fighting and its just soo emotionally draining for me. Ive tried to tell him about what happened but I just cant. He seems to just be getting more and more frustrated (he's not a virgin, in fact he's far from it). The last time I'd asked him to stop he got angry and said that if I wouldn't sleep with him he'd find someone who would. Im sure he didnt mean it but It really hurt me, and scared me because I know that if he wanted to he could. Im trying soo hard and I love him soo much. He's a great guy; He's nice, funny, smart and he's gorgeous. He's all Ive ever wanted. I just really don't want things to end between us. What should I do? (Im 18 and he's 23, he's my best friend's brother and I've known him for 3 years.) (link)
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You need to tell him.
Someday, if you date this guy and then some others, you may well be alright enough that your past doesn't have to come up at all, you can just sleep with someone and not have it be an issue for you.
Today is not that day.
This is a huge part of sex for you. This is something he should absolutely be accommodating on. Thing is, he can't, because he doesn't know. You're hurting him by hiding the truth from him, it forces you to hide your feelings somewhat too. You can't tell him you desperately want to be intimate with him but you're scared shitless of it. He can't take that into account and be as nonthreatening as humanly possible, and let you go at your own pace. Nothing works, because you are holding back.
If you can't be honest yet, end the relationship. He deserves the honesty, but you have a right to keep your secrets. You don't, however, have the right to string him along without letting him know why and expect him to still be there.
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17/f.
For a very long time, I have suspected that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, as I display almost all of the symptoms, and it is very common with BPD sufferers to have been abused as children. I didn't ever consider this as a possibility (as I have no recollection of being abused) until recently, when I started to think about myself, and suddenly a lot of things started coming together:
- Ever since I was very young, about 3, this weird feeling would suddenly pounce on me - it's a kind of sick feeling, and even when I was that young, I associated it with sex. I don't know why, it's not something I've ever thought through, it's just what comes into my head when I get this feeling. I used to get this more as a child than I do now, but I still get it sometimes. It's always happened more often in the morning, when I've not been awake for long, but it sometimes comes in flashes during the day/evening.
- I still get this feeling, without fail, for a long time the morning after I have been sexually intimate (or even just laid cuddling) with someone, even if it's someone I really like.
- At the age of about 6, up to about 10, I would play 'sex games' with other children, boys and girls - my cousins, in fact. I feel very ashamed looking back on this. I know other kids do this, but I get the feeling we always took it further - we pretty much went the whole way, except it wasn't really like proper sex, it's hard to describe. I remember being very sexually aroused even at that young age, and I was always the one who initiated it.
- I used to write all the time (still do), and when I was about 7, I wrote a story about a girl getting raped. It wasn't just any girl, though, it was a girl I knew from school, with whom I had a sort of friend/enemy relationship. I don't know if this has any significance.
- Also, when I was young (can't remember what age, perhaps 7-10, though I still get them sometimes now) I would have weird sexual fantasies about being sexually dominated and being made to do awful things. Which I'd expect is pretty weird for a seven year old.
- So, when I was young I was always more interested in sex than other people my age.
- Now, however, it's the other way round. I'm still very interested in sex, but I also have a fear of it. Other people my age have a very casual attitude to it and have a lot of sex, whereas I'm a virgin (at least I consider myself one, whether I have been sexually abused or not) and am very scared of sex. I have a fear of intimacy, and I am pretty much prpetually single because I can't get into the physical side of relationships. I have done, but not fully, and I get scared away afterwards.
- I (usually) like the idea of having sex with people I like, but when it almost happens, I get panicky and want to run away.
- I go through states of depression, used to self-harm, have trouble regulating my emotions, and often feel disconnected with others, which are synptoms of sexual abuse.
- I like girls too, and for a while I've been wondering if I'm gay, because these sexual problems seem to be far more exaggerated with men than women, but now I'm just wondering if my inability to be sexual with men is because perhaps that's who I was abused by.
I'm not saying it's a definite - I have no recollection of it, after all. But I have a lot of the symptoms, and it would explain why I have such a weird attitude to sex and intimacy. This attitude has been a massive problem for me for years, and has got in the way of many relationships.
And, if it does sound like I've been abused, what should I do about it? I feel like if I spoke to anyone, they'd think I was just exaggerating or creating stuff in my head. (link)
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The lack of any specific recollection...
I've known alot of abuse survivors. Some with repressed memories, which came out later. Even when they couldn't remember what happened, even when they weren't sure if anything actually happened at all, there was a specific person to point to who they would say "if anything happened at all, that person did it". Some intense negative emotions associated with some individual from their life past or present.
People get fucked up for all kinds of reasons.
Lets make one assumption for a second. You were not molested or harmed sexually in any way.
Where does that leave you? A child who showed a high degree of sexualization from an early age, who most definitely grew up in an environment where she was taught to feel guilty for being sexual as a child when she was truly innocent.
You said you initiated, you said you think you took it further than other kids did. I can tell you that regardless of the first, you're wrong about the second. You are far from the first child to take sexual exploration all the way.
You are a girl in a world which emphasizes purity, decries what it considers "sluttiness", and teaches women to be ashamed of their sexuality. I can't tell you if anything ever happened to you, but I can tell you that even if you weren't harmed you've got plenty of reasons to be a bit fucked up in the head about sex.
Some people have higher sex drives than others. Some people tend towards more kinkier sex than others. Sex is a really awkward, risky way to stand out in a crowd. And here you stand, not toeing the line of "average".
Talk to a therapist. If you are hiding something in your head even you don't know about, that's your best route to some form of closure on the matter. If you aren't, you're still messed up enough that a little help would do you some good. You sound like you need a little more outside input than a nonprofessional website is going to provide.
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Hello I am a 20 year old physically fit woman. I'm very interested in becoming a police officer but I have absolutely no idea how to begin. I'm turning 21 at the end of this month and after this summer is over I would like to begin training to get a job as an officer. How do I start to go about this in the state of Pennsylvania? My brother said there's an officer school but I don't know how to contact them. I don't want to go through a normal college I want to go to a school specifically for police training. Any info you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! (link)
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Before you go sign up, I have a few things for you to read/watch.
http://videosift.com/video/The-Largest-Street-Gang-in-America
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8z7NC5sgik
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08fZQWjDVKE
-Don't talk to cops lecture-
Cops are an organization who's sole purpose is to uphold the laws. All of them. We have some very stupid laws. Some you might personally disagree with. You will still be responsible for feeding people to the prison industrial complex to keep your job like everyone else.
Congress recently ruled that officers have no obligation to help people in distress. Increasingly, police offices across the nation are becoming insular brotherhoods meant to protect their own, keep their jobs, and destroy as many lives as possible outside their own community in the process. "To protect and serve" is history.
If you become a cop, it is guaranteed you will encounter corruption. If you do not go along with it you will face repercussions from the crooked cops who feel they cannot trust you to have their back. You will be taught that cops and cop families are allies and the general public is the enemy. You will not be sufficiently trained to handle the stress of the kind of fucked up situations you encounter as a police officer, and your pay and benefits won't really cover the therapy you will end up needing.
Fifteen years ago things were different. The friendly "walk a beat" cops who are in touch with the community are dead now. You will see the world through the glass of a police cruiser and you will be a part of one of the most justifiably hated organizations in existence on US soil. You will be a representation of the power of government to abuse it's citizens for money, fun, and even by accident, and you will have to live with that.
Do something else with your life. Educate yourself on what police culture is and how pervasive it is in America. Educate yourself on the completely broken system of criminal justice in this country and the for profit prisons who drive officers to arrest and convict so that they can stay in business making money.
Once you've learned all these things for yourself with a little research, look into activist groups for police reform. Go be a part of trying to change the system so we aren't living in a police state anymore where paramilitary no knock midnight swat missions to homes where someone is guilty of misdemeanor pot possession aren't the norm.
Then maybe your grandkids can become cops and have it be a decent thing to do with your life again.
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my dog is still peeing on my carpet how do i discipline him (link)
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Puppies react better to positive encouragement than punishment for doing wrong.
First, you need some words he will start to recognize. "Go pee" is a pretty easy one, you want simple words he'll start to recognize immediately.
Second, whenever he pees inside you need to take him outside. By this, I mean if he is peeing you pick him up and carry him outside, getting pee on yourself in the process, to get him out there.
Third, any time he pees outside, make a big deal out of it. Praise him, tell him he's a good boy, be enthusiastic (no treats, just praise). I was told by someone else, if you wouldn't be slightly embarrassed to do it in public you aren't being enthusiastic enough.
Fourth, keep an eye on him. Get a baby gate so he can't go off into other places in the house. Try to make it so he can't get away with it and have you find it later, keep him in sight so you can grab him and take him outside.
Fifth, watch his drinking. Take him outside half an hour after he eats or drinks more than just a tiny sip. Use the words, if he pees, praise him. If he doesn't, wait 30 minutes and take him out again, try to get him used to a schedule where he knows he will go outside after he eats to go to the bathroom.
Last, watch and see if he goes near the door. Dogs will quickly figure out where to get out of the house and will often go there when they need to go out, once that association is made. If you see him near the door, take him out and try to get him to pee, if he doesn't bring him back in immediately (give him a minute or two where you tell him to go). This will get him used to the idea that if he goes to the door you will take him outside to pee, and bringing him back in if he doesn't will let him figure out that he can't just go play outside by going to the door. Take him outside of your own accord when he's not by the door so he knows he'll get to go outside some of the time (you should be walking him regularly anyway).
Do all this, and it should help a good bit. Dogs are like small children, they need routine and structure. If you establish a pattern of behavior he can understand he will learn to fit himself into it. Make it a positive experience and he will figure out what you want.
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Why is the culture in southern california so diseased. I've been to plenty of states and countries, and its only socal where i see sluts who disrespect their parents, vomit in their cars their parents bought them, only think about sex, and even at such a young age! Why is this? Why are girls so indecent here. (link)
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The answer to all of your questions is the internet. Well, most of it, the rest is the simple fact that you make grand assumptions based upon your limited experience because you're so egocentric that you cannot imagine that the world differs from your small sample pool of experience you draw from.
But since we don't need to explain that you jump to erroneous conclusions and make wild sweeping generalizations about them, let's talk about the internet.
The internet's impact on the behavior of teenagers has had a two fold influence since it's inception. The first is to give an open air to the teen angst that has always been there, a public forum for the airing of grievances that already existed in every teen since the beginning of time. Rebellious teens at odds with their parents is a tale that is quite literally older than Jesus, and you're just far more aware of it than society has ever had the opportunity to be before because of facebook, myspace, and the fast growing "blog generation" out there.
The second is a bit more of a subtle impact, but the connection to information allows an unprecedented amount of exposure to facts and opinions which can and often do contradict those of your parents. Where your grandfather grew up almost entirely within the confines of the views of his family and community you live now in a place where you can access a thousand viewpoints on any given subject with a simple google search.
This has the unfortunate side effect of highlighting the staggering ignorance of a significant portion of the American populace. And let's face it, once a kid figures out they're smarter than their parents, the respect is pretty much gone for good.
The world is waking up from a 50 year bout of escapist fantasy to the tune of pleasantville and leave it to beaver. Our parents believed in, invested in, and fought for that petty, shallow life represented by the white picket fence and bought into all the moralistic rhetoric everyone hawking that view of the world spat out, and now here we are a generation later trying to cope with a real world which is no fantasy and which the previous generation let go entirely to shit.
Personally I'm waiting for a regime change, but in regards to you and your feedback my previous points stand. You see the world through shit covered glasses because you embrace a perspective on life my generation is actively trying to kill.
Sorry, but them's the breaks. And you can't blame us for fucking it up once in a while, after all, it's not like we had any decent role models for figuring out how to behave like sane, functional adults.
And if you really want to blame the party girl behavior on something, just remember that your generation runs the media that's poisoned a significant portion of mine.
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i 17 yrs old and in tha hospital, i had surgery a few days ago and got a port in my chest,i been wanting to masturbate but i'm scared that it gone to mess up my heart or somthing, i was just wonderin would that mess with anything. (link)
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Ask your doctor. Seriously, it may be embarrassing but he's the one who will actually know whats up. Chest surgery isn't something I think the people here know enough about to advise you on.
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So today I had sex with my bf and the condom broke but he onlyed pre cum, and I just finished my period on Monday is there a chance that I'll will end up pregnant (link)
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Very low chance. Period ending three days ago means you definitely haven't ovulated yet. It's not a guarantee, but average like 99.5% chance you are not pregnant.
Look into VCF. Vaginal Contraceptive Film. It's in the same aisle as condoms, and it can be used with condoms. Spermicide is pretty effective on it's own and in the future if you have a condom break you will have a second line of defense to prevent pregnancy.
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im a teenage guy, and lately ive noticed when i work out really hard, later when i go home i cant poo or shit. Like i push really hard but nothing comes out, just gas. Is this related to workouts? Because after i lift heavy, my body feels compressed, so this affect it at all. Please help im getting kinda worried. (link)
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The first thing that comes to mind is that your body needs fluids in order to handle it's digestive processes well and working out could easily drain you of said fluids (sweat).
Try laxatives and drink more water. If that doesn't work and you stay constipated for more than a few days straight it's doctor time.
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I'm 19 and a female and my boyfriend just broke up with me about a week ago and we were together for a year and 3 months and he was telling me that the reason he was breaking up with me is because he's not ready for a serious relationship. What does it mean when a guy tells you this and why would he wait over a year to say this also? I am completely in love with him and he told me so many times how much he loves me but when he broke up with me he said that he doesn't think he's in love with me, but he cares for me and has feelings for me but just not ones to keep the relationship going! Why would it take him over a year to feel like this? Everyone's telling me i have to move on, but I can't it's so hard, I love him so much and he is the only guy that I want to be with, and he always made it seem that way with me, he told me that once we both have enough money that he wants us to get our own place together, and he said that about a month before breaking up with me! Why would he be doing all of this, and then just break up with me out of no where? I thought we were so happy together because he never acted like he didn't want to be with me. He did say that he wants us to be friends, and I told him I would try but I don't want to be just friends with him, I want to be with him! Can anyone please help me because I just don't know what to do?! Thank you!! (link)
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You can be in love with someone and feel like it's not a good fit, that things just don't work well enough to stay together.
I'd say there's a pretty good chance that's where this is coming from. He might also just be afraid of committing, whether that's at all or right now I've no idea though.
Take some time. Tell him that right now you need to not be in contact with him so you can get over him, and that if you think you can be friends or want to be you'll call him when you're ok.
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So, I'm a 18 year-old boy. And i would say that i am very different from the guys i know my age. It seems like all the other guys are so easily able to control themseleves with girls. But for me, its hard.
For some reason, i am always thinking about girls, and i feel jealous, left out, horny, you know. And i dont wanna think about girls anymore. Ive recently been healing from a bad breakup, but thats not just it. Ive been always stressed about girls, like its in the back of my head all the time and i dont want to be like this anymore.
I am NOT saying that i wanna be gay or anything, but how can i become like, how do you say, unstressed and unfrustrated with girls? Because lately thats how ive been feeling: Frustrated. I see some of my guy friends and they dont even look at girls at all. like it doesnt even affect them in any way. I want to become like that. I want to be a guy with a free mind and no stress and not think about girls at all. How can i do this? (link)
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Its mostly hormones, maybe a slightly abnormally high sex drive. Give it a few years for the remnants of puberty to work themselves out.
Not being in a sexual relationship once you've been in a sexual relationship can definitely suck. There's probably a bit of normal desire there that's just the frustration of a young guy with plenty of sex drive and no one to take it out on.
Occupy yourself, and start working on refocusing yourself when you find you're on a mental tangent about something related to horny. You can actually stop yourself and start thinking about something else. Thing is, you need something worthwhile to think about. I read alot, and I'd think about the books I was reading when idle mind turned to annoying desires. Watch movies, get into a TV series, read something, do something that you can occupy your mind when you've got nothing else to do with it.
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So, I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I'm 23, as is he, and we live together. We have plans to get married eventually.
That being said, I'm at my wits end. I feel like I'm drowning in all the different issues that need to be addressed. First, theres his ADHD. He acts like a selfish little kid most of the time, and his needs always come before mine. That applys to everything, including sex. Hes complained about how long it takes me, even though our sex sessions usually last about 45 minutes in total (including foreplay) and he expects me to be up for it whenever he is, and yet frequently rejects me in favor of going on his computer.
And theres the other thing. His computer addiction, or that is to say his love of escapism. Hes not happy, because hes not making enough money, and wants a better job. So he escapes into video games and computers. Which leaves me wondering why on earth I'm supposed to spend the majority of my time with him when it ends up being us sitting next to each other while hes on his computer. Now, his computer just got sent off for repairs, so the first thing he says is that he wants to play video games in the lounge tonight.
I try to do little things to help him all the time, I help him apply for jobs online, I tidy the house, and I plan stuff for us to do together, like champagne and a movie in the park, or an evening of jazz or something, things I know he'll like, that we can enjoy together. Not only does he frequently choose his computer over these activities, I honestly cannot remember the last time he planned anything for us to do together.
All that being said, hes a sweet guy. And funny. And when we spend time together, I remember why I love him so much, and want to spend my life with him, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him till I'm blue in the face. Helping him, not helping him, trying to get him into therapy, everything.
I really do not know what to do anymore. I don't want to be someone that constantly complains, and if talking about it does nothing, I'm really not sure whats left to do at this point.
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Honestly, you're in a relationship with a child.
A year in, I'm guessing you haven't been living together for all of it.
He has not adjusted to your needs, he's still living like he's single and free. He's avoiding adulthood, essentially.
Unlike many situations where someone just is some way and cannot change, this is a direct result of choice and attention. He has to want to not grow up in order to not grow up.
The message you need to deliver him, what I feel like you've conveyed is the problem here, is that you feel like an adult taking care of a child. It's one thing for you to take care of him and for him to take care of you, but you handle the adult details of life and he runs to his computer and doesn't do shit, and this has to change.
I think you need to be screaming about this. I think you need to bring up breaking up with him. If he doesn't change I think you need to actively break up with him.
Here's the thing about that. You have been patient, you have been kind, you have tried to help. But in reality, I would bet significant sums of money you're an enabler. You make it easier for him to be lazy, to escape into his fantasies, and to come back whenever he wants to get his needs satisfied.
I have ADD. I'm a computer addict. I do not need to have the world revolve around me and my needs. There are times I need to be alone, but he is far more capable of compromising than I think you would believe at this point.
He's just a spoiled brat who doesn't want to. And you're spoiling him.
It's time for conflict. Serious conflict. Possibly relationship ending conflict. Only through the fires of war will you forge an actual adult relationship out of what is now childhood love.
Stop acting like his mother. Planning stuff that he opts out of and stuff like that just shows how you're stepping up to do the adult parts of his life for him.
Stop that. If you want a partner and not a giant kid you need to let him know that what he is doing is NOT enough for you and that he's going to change or you're going to leave.
You might have to break up with him for a few months to straighten him out. It might not be worth all this trouble to you, but if it is you're going to have to realize that forcing him to grow up will be neither an easy nor an antagonism free path to take and you will have to kick his ass a little bit to get him to start acting like he's in a relationship with you and not being babysat by you.
:Edit:
I do want to make something clear here. I don't think he treats you badly because he has no regard for you. ADD and especially ADHD people are incredibly impulsive and subject to desires which are...difficult...to deal with.
It boils down to, your mind is capable and willing of reacting to any situation with pretty much no thought whatsoever. It's not that he thinks nothing of you so much as he thinks of nothing at all. Priorities don't matter much when you never stop to think about them.
The habit isn't there. This is a problem he needs to correct for more reasons than just your relationship. He doesn't think about shit nearly as much as he should and he needs to. As someone with a very strong case of ADD it really is not an easy thing to do.
Expect more out of him. Tell him you expect more. If he refuses, break up. If he tries and fails, well that's up to you because I can guarantee you've got alot of failing ahead of you.
My wife would tell you that if you love him it could be worth it. I will tell you that he probably isn't going to straighten up until he has someone for whom he is willing to straighten up. If that's you, you could end up very happy. If it's not you're going to have to find that out and leave of your own accord, because he will sit there happily on his computer and loving you until doomsday otherwise.
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Will i get cut if i shave my u know where
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If you aren't careful, yes.
Look into beard trimmers. They're cheap, they come with guards (find one that's adjustable so you can set it for desired hair length), they can do almost as good of a job as a razor while sparing you the ingrown hairs and razor burn. Male or female it can be a quick solution to trimming the bush.
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Can you get in trouble if you are at a party or someones house and they are doing like heroine or something, can you get in trouble for just being there?
Just purely curious :)
well actually what if people are just doin pot and I'm there can I get in trouble if the cops come? (link)
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Ultimately, yes, you can. While there are possession laws which are intended to punish specifically those who have and use the illicit substances, the wrong cops in the wrong mood have discretion to claim you were also in possession and to haul you in too.
It varies state to state and I can only speak for US laws, but as an example situation most places have an amount that crosses over from misdemeanor into felony.
In Texas it's 2 ounces of pot. So lets say a friend has a pound of weed you don't know about in his car, the cops can and probably will charge everyone in the car with a felony. They can do the same thing in a house under alot of circumstances.
If it's a smaller amount they can still hit everyone with misdemeanors. MIPs work alot the same way, if you could have been drinking you probably were and are "in possession" even if you don't have a cup in your hand. If there's pot in the room next door the cops can claim a number of people knew about it and were partaking.
The one thing you have on your side here is that I assume you do not actually smoke weed or hang around directly when people are smoking where you might take in a good bit of second hand smoke. If this is the case and you were ever arrested they'd have a hard time proving possession if you volunteer for a blood test. Even if you'd been drinking, an MIP for alcohol is a lesser issue in every state in the US compared to possession of marijuana (excepting states like California where it's pretty much the exact same thing) so you could get the blood test and then just get a ticket had you been drinking.
If you're sober of course there's nothing at all to worry about there.
Something to keep in mind. If you spend time around people who break the law, be aware that cops will pretty much see you as the enemy. Their careers and accolades are based around successful convictions, if they can get ten teenagers for pot instead of just the three or four who are smoking they will most likely do that, even if you had nothing to do with the goings on. Common cop logic is "they were doing x wrong but I can't do anything about that, but I can charge them with Y, so it all works out in the end" and you end up charged with possession and dealing with court dates.
Final note, do not volunteer for a blood test or say anything to a cop, ever, until you and your parents have spoken to a lawyer. Volunteering for a blood test comes after you get bailed out after you get arrested, since alcohol is the only drug that can be out of your blood in 24 hours or less.
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