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Im 18 and I was sexually abused...My boyfriend wants to have sex
I've been dating this guy for about a year and he says he's ready for us to take our relationship to the next step but every time we'd come close to having sex I'd ask him to stop. The thing is, I was sexually abused as a child (it started at about 5 or 6 and didnt end until I was 12), which he doesnt know. His younger brother (my best friend) and my older sister who helped stop the abuse are the only ones that know about it. Im actually surprised that I can talk about it here. Anyway, because of that Im just really nervous about having sex (to say the least). I know theres a difference between rape and sex. And I like kissing and making out with Kevin, but whenever he touches me or when he starts to get a little rough from being so 'over excited' I just freeze up or freakout. He thinks Im being a tease which is definitely not the case, so ofcourse we just end up fighting and its just soo emotionally draining for me. Ive tried to tell him about what happened but I just cant. He seems to just be getting more and more frustrated (he's not a virgin, in fact he's far from it). The last time I'd asked him to stop he got angry and said that if I wouldn't sleep with him he'd find someone who would. Im sure he didnt mean it but It really hurt me, and scared me because I know that if he wanted to he could. Im trying soo hard and I love him soo much. He's a great guy; He's nice, funny, smart and he's gorgeous. He's all Ive ever wanted. I just really don't want things to end between us. What should I do? (Im 18 and he's 23, he's my best friend's brother and I've known him for 3 years.)
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If you really love this guy its best to just tell him I know it is hard but he needs to know why you are pulling back and if he loves you he will take it slow and he will understand and wait until you are ready. If you are having a hard time letting him know than write it in a letter or show him your post on here... I am so sorry you had to go through such an awful expirience.. just know that sex when you are willing and in love is nothing like rape... good luck I wish you all the best
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You should not have to continue to live with this kind of secret. If kept bottled up it can have very damaging effects on you for the rest of your life. You need professional help to deal with this and put it properly behind you.
To this a group called RAINN which stands for: Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They operate a 24/7 365 day hotline to help you find professionals in your area that will help you with what has happened to you.
You cannot bury what has happened to you deep inside you and pretend it never happened. The fact that you are writing us tells me you know that. You are going to need professional help to properly deal with what has happened so that you can live the life you were meant to live.
What I would like you to do is call RAINN their number is 1-800-656-Help (4357). Talk with one of the volunteers who answer the hotline. Answer there questions and they will put you in-touch with professional in your home town who can help you.
From what you have written it sounds as if your parents are not aware of the fact you were molested or who molested you. They need to know this. The professionals at RAINN will help you with this as well. Please call them
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You need to tell him.
Someday, if you date this guy and then some others, you may well be alright enough that your past doesn't have to come up at all, you can just sleep with someone and not have it be an issue for you.
Today is not that day.
This is a huge part of sex for you. This is something he should absolutely be accommodating on. Thing is, he can't, because he doesn't know. You're hurting him by hiding the truth from him, it forces you to hide your feelings somewhat too. You can't tell him you desperately want to be intimate with him but you're scared shitless of it. He can't take that into account and be as nonthreatening as humanly possible, and let you go at your own pace. Nothing works, because you are holding back.
If you can't be honest yet, end the relationship. He deserves the honesty, but you have a right to keep your secrets. You don't, however, have the right to string him along without letting him know why and expect him to still be there.
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Like the answer before mine your traumatized by when you were abused your brain is gonna tell you no because of being abused when younger. It's all in your head and if your not ready you have to tell him now you don't have to tell him everything I think telling him the truth if you really feel your gonna be with him and you want to take it to the next level then you should tell him about it and it might help. He'll probally if he's that close to you he would completely get it. Hope I helped:) thanks for staying strong btw
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First off, congratulations on surviving the sexual abuse and being able to talk about it. Memories and stigma from that time can remain with you for years after the incident, and never disappear, but they can be overcome.
In order for your relationship to grow, you must tell your boyfriend about this. I know it will be hard, but honestly it will feel like a load off your shoulders. He will know that you aren't trying to tease him and he will be more sensitive to your needs. You confided in his brother, so it is likely that he will be just as understanding.
Being sexually abused isn't something to be embarrassed by, or to be ashamed of. You shouldn't hide it from your loved ones. It is something that was traumatic but will make you stronger.
Perhaps you can write him a letter telling him what happened to you and how you feel. This can be for practice or you can give it to him. Maybe it would be easy for you, your boyfriend, and his brother to sit down and talk about it together. Figure out what works for you, and take it slow. Just make sure you are trying to make progress.
Good luck,
-Abby
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