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Escapism Addiction - I can't handle it anymore.
So, I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. I'm 23, as is he, and we live together. We have plans to get married eventually.
That being said, I'm at my wits end. I feel like I'm drowning in all the different issues that need to be addressed. First, theres his ADHD. He acts like a selfish little kid most of the time, and his needs always come before mine. That applys to everything, including sex. Hes complained about how long it takes me, even though our sex sessions usually last about 45 minutes in total (including foreplay) and he expects me to be up for it whenever he is, and yet frequently rejects me in favor of going on his computer.
And theres the other thing. His computer addiction, or that is to say his love of escapism. Hes not happy, because hes not making enough money, and wants a better job. So he escapes into video games and computers. Which leaves me wondering why on earth I'm supposed to spend the majority of my time with him when it ends up being us sitting next to each other while hes on his computer. Now, his computer just got sent off for repairs, so the first thing he says is that he wants to play video games in the lounge tonight.
I try to do little things to help him all the time, I help him apply for jobs online, I tidy the house, and I plan stuff for us to do together, like champagne and a movie in the park, or an evening of jazz or something, things I know he'll like, that we can enjoy together. Not only does he frequently choose his computer over these activities, I honestly cannot remember the last time he planned anything for us to do together.
All that being said, hes a sweet guy. And funny. And when we spend time together, I remember why I love him so much, and want to spend my life with him, but I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him till I'm blue in the face. Helping him, not helping him, trying to get him into therapy, everything.
I really do not know what to do anymore. I don't want to be someone that constantly complains, and if talking about it does nothing, I'm really not sure whats left to do at this point.
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Honestly, you're in a relationship with a child.
A year in, I'm guessing you haven't been living together for all of it.
He has not adjusted to your needs, he's still living like he's single and free. He's avoiding adulthood, essentially.
Unlike many situations where someone just is some way and cannot change, this is a direct result of choice and attention. He has to want to not grow up in order to not grow up.
The message you need to deliver him, what I feel like you've conveyed is the problem here, is that you feel like an adult taking care of a child. It's one thing for you to take care of him and for him to take care of you, but you handle the adult details of life and he runs to his computer and doesn't do shit, and this has to change.
I think you need to be screaming about this. I think you need to bring up breaking up with him. If he doesn't change I think you need to actively break up with him.
Here's the thing about that. You have been patient, you have been kind, you have tried to help. But in reality, I would bet significant sums of money you're an enabler. You make it easier for him to be lazy, to escape into his fantasies, and to come back whenever he wants to get his needs satisfied.
I have ADD. I'm a computer addict. I do not need to have the world revolve around me and my needs. There are times I need to be alone, but he is far more capable of compromising than I think you would believe at this point.
He's just a spoiled brat who doesn't want to. And you're spoiling him.
It's time for conflict. Serious conflict. Possibly relationship ending conflict. Only through the fires of war will you forge an actual adult relationship out of what is now childhood love.
Stop acting like his mother. Planning stuff that he opts out of and stuff like that just shows how you're stepping up to do the adult parts of his life for him.
Stop that. If you want a partner and not a giant kid you need to let him know that what he is doing is NOT enough for you and that he's going to change or you're going to leave.
You might have to break up with him for a few months to straighten him out. It might not be worth all this trouble to you, but if it is you're going to have to realize that forcing him to grow up will be neither an easy nor an antagonism free path to take and you will have to kick his ass a little bit to get him to start acting like he's in a relationship with you and not being babysat by you.
:Edit:
I do want to make something clear here. I don't think he treats you badly because he has no regard for you. ADD and especially ADHD people are incredibly impulsive and subject to desires which are...difficult...to deal with.
It boils down to, your mind is capable and willing of reacting to any situation with pretty much no thought whatsoever. It's not that he thinks nothing of you so much as he thinks of nothing at all. Priorities don't matter much when you never stop to think about them.
The habit isn't there. This is a problem he needs to correct for more reasons than just your relationship. He doesn't think about shit nearly as much as he should and he needs to. As someone with a very strong case of ADD it really is not an easy thing to do.
Expect more out of him. Tell him you expect more. If he refuses, break up. If he tries and fails, well that's up to you because I can guarantee you've got alot of failing ahead of you.
My wife would tell you that if you love him it could be worth it. I will tell you that he probably isn't going to straighten up until he has someone for whom he is willing to straighten up. If that's you, you could end up very happy. If it's not you're going to have to find that out and leave of your own accord, because he will sit there happily on his computer and loving you until doomsday otherwise.
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Hi. <3
You feel taken for granted because you ARE being taken for granted. Stop ignoring your feelings. You know very well that sometimes the little feelings in a relationship are more important than the overarching "I love you"s. Love is great, but it doesn't fix problems.
The fact of the matter is that, trying to be as unbiased as I can, you are the only one making any kind of effort in this relationship. How many times have you told me "love is a two-way street"?
You have a very mature view on relationships. He, with all his selfishness and emotional immaturity, is not thinking about you, the relationship, or your future together. He's concerned about what HE feels right NOW. When he turns you down, he's not worried about your feelings, nor does he care if you might need to feel connected to him. HE doesn't want it, so it doesn't matter. You'll still be there when he wakes up, if he feels like it then.
You're all about respect, trust, and honesty - he has no respect for you. I wouldn't blame you in your position for feeling hurt and betrayed, which does not help to foster feelings of trust; and as for honesty, telling the truth about everything is all well and good, but it seems to me you're not being honest with yourself here.
He's being honest - he's showing you his true colors as well as he can, and you're trying to change them. If he doesn't want help, there's no reason for him to go to therapy. It'd be a waste of time and money. HE has to want to go - you can't force him.
...Although, you might try talking him into trying ONE session. If he finds it's not so bad, maybe he'll be willing to go more regularly. That's how my parents got me started.
Also, for the record, you're not a "constant complainer." You are a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent woman who feels trapped in a relationship with a guy who pretty clearly doesn't give two shits about her.
Regardless of whether or not this stuff qualifies as emotional abuse, you're not happy. You have EVERY right to be happy. He's not treating you right, and this is not the kind of relationship you want - and you can't tell me it is. You don't have children - you shouldn't have to take care of him as if you were taking care of a child, even if he's acting at least a decade younger than he is. You should never feel taken for granted in a relationship. He should be begging you not to leave him for the way he's treated you.
I must also point out that if he's taking you for granted now, imagine how he'll treat you when you're married, when you have a legal document binding you, and you can't just up and walk away from him, or kick him out.
It seems to me the only thing you haven't tried is accepting him for who he truly is. In order for someone to change, that person has to feel that they MUST change. He doesn't.
Ask yourself this: Is this the way I want to spend the rest of my life? Can I really be happy like this?
It's better to be single and surrounded by friends than sitting next to your boyfriend/significant other and feeling more alone than ever.
You are amazing. You are strong. You are a beautiful person, and a beautiful woman. You deserve SO much more.
No day but today...
Siren <3
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