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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I'm a 30 year-old woman seeking to buy a home with my mother-in-law. Note, I call her my mother-in-law because I’ve been with her son for over 10 years. Her son and I are not married yet. She loves me like a daughter and has stepped to fill the role as my mother ever since my biological mother passed away on November 6th, 2018.

My reasons for purchasing this home with her have nothing to do with me looking for a handout. I’m actually trying to do this with as little help as possible, while having the least impact on anyone else.

I explained that I don’t like the idea of getting something for nothing and my mother-in-law who loves me like a daughter said that she would help me pay for the home, using money that my brother-in-law had put into savings for her. (This is savings that her own earnings contributed to. He controls her finances, because due to her limited income, she has not always made the best financial choices.)

Originally, my brother-in-law and his wife were going to purchase a home for his mother-in-law, my boyfriend, and I. Eventually, that would house would belong to us once the mortgage was paid off.

That would have made the most sense at the time. I was making just $50,000 a year, a starter salary that although you can arguably buy a home in the area where we are talking about moving to, would have made it very difficult. Recently, however I received a $25,000 a year annual raise, and came into a late inheritance from my late grandmother (we sold her home… and got some money out of the deal. She had taken out a reverse mortgage when she died, and there were liens against the house because we didn't know that we still technically owned the home, after she passed away.)

However, I am at the point where I can save 25% (over $1,000) of my monthly check which in a year’s time should give me over $20,000, including the money that I already have saved up, that will contribute towards a 10% down payment for a home that is $250,000 or lower.

There are, also, government programs that may come into legislation (i.e. $25,000 down payment from the U.S. for first-generation home owners, and a $10,000 tax credit for first-time home owners) that might make it easier for me to pursue this goal. However, even if those programs do pass, my mother-in-law’s assistance could either allow us to put more equity in the home, in case we ever need to cover home maintenance costs, give us a better rate, or buy us a more valuable home.

To avoid PMI and be able to ensure that I can maintain my lifestyle during emergency, I need help procuring the other 10%, as well as emergency savings. I would never buy a home without having emergency savings... and avoiding PMI would be great.

There is a program in my state that I will qualify for as a first-time homeowner, where they will give new homeowners $10,000 towards down payment assistance or closing costs. I’m not too concerned about home inspection costs… since that should only cost $300 to $500, based on the house that we are considered purchasing. That seems feasible for me.

I, also, checked out mortgage rates and I would only need to pay 3.625% interest for a 30-year mortgage, based on my current credit score. While that’s not wonderful considering that monthly mortgages are at their lowest rates than ever, during normal times that is fine.
For those of you curious as to why I’m not waiting until I have the money to do this on my own in a few years… it’s because there are other considerations.

My mother-in-law, who will be living with me and my boyfriend, wants to retire, and due to our close proximity to NYC, where we live is very expensive. Not only is it hard on her considering that she is a former waitress, a job that didn't give her a pension or a 401(k) and drives people to the airport on the side, but she also faces nothing but drama with living so close to her sister and her sister’s children who are all pushing 40 and have no emergency savings… so they constantly rely on her and my brother-in-law for money.

While the area where we’re moving to might seem like a high cost of living compared to where other people in our country live, the cost of living is much cheaper there than it is here (think $1,700 to rent a 3-bedroom home, versus $2,200 here). (Of course, property is cheaper there too… I have a 1 bedroom apartment that I pay $1,350/month for where I currently live. There are 3 or 4-bedroom houses where I would pay that much for, including mortgage, taxes, and homeowner’s insurance. Similar properties here go for $400,000+.) Plus, she currently lives with her sister who constantly complains to her every day… causing her nothing but stress.

I’m not my mother-in-law, who in many ways is a push over, but if I were her I would not tolerate her sister's constantly complaining which puts her under an extreme amount of stress. However, this is a woman who never fell out of love with her ex husband, an alcoholic heroin addict, who smacked her around, even breaking her arm. While she eventually left him, that was because she didn’t want for her children to think that abuse was okay. If it weren't for her children, she would have stayed with him. She said if he promised he’d stay clean, she would have gone back to him… which to me, reflects “push over” mentality. IF it weren’t for her wanting the best for her children, he might have killed her one day. Obviously, being a somewhat naïve, relatively young woman, (she was just 31 when she left her ex-husband), isn’t the only time that she’s been a push over... as is seen by the situation with her sister.

It’s not my place to make such a suggestion, but if I were her, I would give her sister and her sister’s daughter whose living with them notice that she’s no longer going to put up with the constant complaining. IF her sister wants to continue to complain, her and her daughter can find a cheap two-bedroom apartment to move into together. She could even work them with to figure out how to come up with the money to budget a security deposit, out of their own pockets of course, BUT past that they would be on their own.

Not only is this area no longer suitable for my mother-in-law BUT since my boyfriend feels like he’s not connecting with anyone (he hasn’t been around to see me much due to other health issues), it’s detrimental for his mental health. We, also, have an adorable German Shepherd puppy, (I purchased her for my boyfriend’s birthday, thinking that she’d be a good therapy for my boyfriend and could serve as a friend to him during his time of need… she is helping him by exercising constant affection and loyalty), who will be a year old by the time we move, and she deserves a yard. Given these factors, we need to move within a year’s time.

To me, my mother-in-law’s 10% down payment is not so much a handout to me as much as it is a handout to my boyfriend. The average first-time homeowner puts a 6% down payment on their home. I’m putting down 10%, and would work to get that 20%, on my own, if I had the time. Of course, I wouldn’t even need to do that, if my boyfriend was doing as well as me and had money saved up. My boyfriend's mother wants to get out of a bad situation for her, while investing in her son's future so to her its worth it.

As far as the emergency savings, I would like for my brother to put the money that he was saving up for his portion of the down payment in a high yield savings account that my mother-in-law and I both have access to. He was going to lay down the same amount of money on a down payment for a house anyway… While I love my boyfriend, he’s not someone who I can rely on to not start taking money out of the account and put it towards things that we don’t need.

I want to put the mortgage in my name and find a way to put my boyfriend’s name on the deed without his name being on the mortgage. However, my mother-in-law says that my brother-in-law wants for the house to be in his name so that when his son (whose currently a year old) starts school he will get to enroll him in the school that he wants for him to attend. I’m not even sure how that would work because they live in another township… EVEN if he has his name on the deed, to me, he would still be considered a landlord since he and his family would not be living in our house. IF he took the mortgage out as his primary residence, he would be lying and could get into trouble with the mortgage company for fraud. Otherwise, anyone who wants and has the means to buy an investment property, in an area with a school district that they like better, can get a mortgage where he or she states that it is his or her primary residence, and enroll his or her children in the school district there... despite having tenants who live there.

Although I need his help and am worried about sounding ungrateful that he would make such an offer for us, I’m worried about my living situation being governed by my nephew's education. It has nothing to do with my feelings towards his son who I love as though my sister had birthed him, and want to be the ringbearer a my wedding, or not wanting what’s best for him… I do. However, the situation is much more complicated than that.

I plan to be done with graduate school, which could allow me to find a job at an even higher salary, and although I will have student loans that almost equate to my annual wages, I would like to talk to my boyfriend about regularly overpaying the mortgage by 10% a year, if possible, so that we could pay off the mortgage a lot more quickly. IF we succeed in that, then there’s a chance that we could pay off the mortgage in less than 10 years.

At that point, I will be under 40 and I expect for mine and my boyfriend’s wages to be much higher… plus he will have his own children by then. What if we want to rent that place to tenants and move into a second home? I would love for my children to be educated in Princeton, NJ, which is the best school district in the country... BUT very few homeowners who actually think intelligently with their first home, will only own one home.

At that point, our nephew will only be 8 to 10 years old. Does that mean that we should stay there for another 8-10 more years until my nephew graduates from college? If I could rent out that home... it could make up for any deficits in retirement savings that I have, even with paying a property management company. We could, also, work on paying the money that they would give us towards emergency savings back over time.

Also, the agreement was always that once my boyfriend and I paid off the house we would own the home. Should we not focus on paying off the house until our nephew graduates from high school?

Not only that, but because of the housing market, there’s a possibility that we might not even find a suitable fit in the area where my brother-in-law wants us to move to. There’s a high demand and limited supply right now… it’s causing for the prices of homes to skyrocket. IF you go on a real estate website that tracks the value of a home, you will see a huge spike in home prices over the past few months. Case in point, less than a year ago, my childhood home was only worth $369,000, IF my grandmother had made better financial choices... my sister and I would have been able to sell the home for $420,000.

Even if I get the mortgage in both of our names, because my brother-in-law already owns a home… there would be programs that could help me out as a first-time homeowner that I would no longer qualify for, because his name would be on the mortgage.

Am I being unreasonable to my brother-in-law and his wife? I spoke to my sister about this, she says if I need their help at all, even them putting the emergency savings that we would have for the household, I should do it on their terms. However, she knows very little about home ownership… she’s almost 40, and in the place where it doesn’t look like she’s going to ever own a home.

Whoa there! This is a lot of info but I still have questions. You share plenty info but I doubt anyone on here is a Lawyer by trade. I highly recommend making an appointment with a Lawyer to get the best advice and it should take only one appointment. If you are against seeing a Lawyer, then I guess you may as well continue on.

I am in the mothers age range I would guess (in 60's) so knowing how many things come up as the body wears out, I can hope for a long life but who knows. Counting on his Mom to be around long term is not the best move. Even if she lived til 90, You said Mom couldn't be counted on to spend her own money wisely, so it would seem that other than money, she may have a say in where she lives and who with, but without the flow of the money her other son controls for her, that you have to be planning this all with that son as well. I don't want you to feel I am picking on you but without being married and married because you both are crazy in love together (which there is no evidence of in this in writing so I don't know) I can only suggest as a married couple, getting a house you both can afford along with 'rent' from Mom for a MIL apt in the house. If you can find a place with an already established mother in law apt in the house, she can have the feel of her own place, pay a rent to you both that helps make the difference on your mortgage payment but her other son would need to cooperate on this arrangement and pay her part but she wouldn't own the house. In retirement age group, I don't see the benefits to having a share in a house or owning one outright...but a lawyer could probably help with answering that. I really don't see how this child of his, your nephew even comes into the issue of buying this house. NOt sure I understand fully, but it sounds like brother wants to establish residency in area of college he wants son to go to or maybe also to offer this arrangement so that his now 1 yr old has a place to live in the future because rents and mortgages will be higher. That is a kind thought but how can he know what his son will want once he is older. He may not want to go to that University. And as an adult, he can't be forced to go. He may find a wife and both want to move across the country for the perfect jobs and then he will have no interest in owning that home fully or partially. Any deal with this brother of your bf, a father who is trying to kill two or three birds with one stone may not be the best deal. I don't know, but I sure would read up on real estate and home owner ship if you don't care to see a lawyer. His reason for owning a home is beginning to sound more like its for his benefit, but makes it look better by offering for you to own it later, and have Mom further from Aunt and cousins who try to wheedle money out of her.

What I do not know is whether the agreement you speak of is on a legal document that is solid, or just by his word. Word is not enough, even for family. I was executor as appointed by my Mother before she died. And suddenly I was being harrassed by all my sisters and their husbands. They turned nasty in what they accused me of doing wrong and made life a living hell for a while. Yes, family can turn on you and in your case, you are not family by marriage so your paper work needs to be solid, so that you don't lose out because of some loop hole.

What I am curious about is why if considering getting a house together, that you are not yet married to the bf. I am not legally married on paper with my new husband, but he is not a bf, he is a husband to me. Plus we're senior citizens. So when in your age range, most people want a mate who is their lover and also will make a good father. The focus here is all on obtaining a house and not the feasibility of who will be living in it. You may end up with a house, but a house can't be a home if the people you live in it with don't treat you well and contribute more than their fair share to taking care of you, kids that may come and upkeep of the home.

I also believe you'd feel heart broken to spend many years paying into a mortgage, as you might believe but there is no clear wording in paperwork so that you end up as having been a renter paying rent only. Protect yourself and talk to a lawyer please!

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How did you learn you had a mental illness?

I am wondering at the reason you came up with this question. It could be simply curiousity, or maybe tied to some kind of homework/school project for health class. Last of all, you may be suspecting that all is not well for you mentally. Others telling you how they found out will not get you the help you might need in that csse. There is mental illness in my family, both a sibling and by marriage. I don't have mental illness but I know about my ex husband and oldest child. The ex was tol by a retired counselor to go see a Dr. because he was exhibiting traits of mental illness. The reason he's an ex, is that he only pretended to go for a couple times and then stopped because he felt there was nothing wrong with him. The child told me about 5 years after graduating HS that they felt they had depression. Dr. never fully examined for mental illnesses but i knew by now from ex, what some of that behavior might look like. Can't say what the child has. They were put on medication for depression but quit taking it due to side effects. Shortly after not taking it, this adult kid disappeared out of state and cut off ties to all family including aunts and uncles and cousins, not just me, the father and siblings

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I drew something that can easily look inappropriate but I had no inappropriate intentions behind it I’m really embarrassed what should I do

If you had no intentions behind it, then there's nothing to be concerned about. People are gonna think what they want to think and see what they want to see. You can't change their mind. If you are a young adult, you don't have to do anything but ignore others. If you are a teen and a parent or teacher asks about it, you don't have to feel guilty and don't act guilty. Just answer calmly and explain away your piece of art or even if its doodling. If they seem really concerned, Let whomever know that until someone else pointed it out, you had no idea your drawing looked inappropriate. If its for an art class, it doesn't matter what other people say. Just tell the teacher , letting teacher know someone pointed out to you what they thought was something inappropriate about your drawing and then tell them what it really is to you. Then if for an art class, ask teacher if they want you to redo something different. As long as you don't act embarrassed about it, most people are not going to think about it for long.

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hey! my bestfriend is hanging out with new friends and i m happy for her because she s happy but i don t really want her to get in a bad entourage and after it to regret it. we don t really go out very much like we used to do and her bf don t even won t to let her go in some place without him, we still get along and talk everyday and i really trust and care for her but she often make me feel sad and pressured.it is my fault? am i being too possesive?

No you are not possessive of her, just a very caring friend and she's lucky to have you. However it is her bf who is being possessive to an unhealthy point if what you said is true. Not allowing a person to go out unless he is along or approves is nothing less than a controlling manner. Sometimes women translate a man trying to run and schedule her life as being extra loving and caring when in actuality, it is very unhealthy. In steps like this, similar men have attacked their female friend,or wife of liking another man, maybe even thinking of cheating on him just because her eyes happened to fall on some guy, or a guy she knows walks up to start a convo. or addresses her to ask for directions. It could even by family, a cousin he doesn't know but will react like this, not because he doesn't know the guy or feels she is threatened but because he feels threatened. There is something off in his mind that needs a psychologist, because he feels like low man on the totem pole, feels he is a terrible example of a man and that any woman he is with will leave him in time for another better guy. So he is actually comparing himsself to persons and Always finds himself lacking because he had an extremely low self esteem. And ye, this kind of thing can happen as early as our teen years and is even more damaging to the girl because she has no idea yet due to lack of time in this world to know that no matter how much she wants a boyfriend, he is the least desire-able one and the most trouble. At some point men like this, begin to keep a wife captive in her own home, not allowing her contact with family or friends, because it is easier to control her without talk from others. There are stories of women who end up unable to use the phone even and are beat up if they disobey, give birth to children in that house without having ever seen a Dr. and family does not know of the existence of a grandchild, niece, nephew let alone how she is doing. Some of these women are killed by these bf's or husbands due to jealousy over some imagined guy. I know she won't listen to you trying to tell her this, since many abused women don't see it in the beginning, only later. I was abused verbally and didn't know any better as I married at 20 and though confused as to why things went so bad as they did, I was a believer who didn't want to quit but as the church said, 'trust God to heal your marriage' which God later told me was a mistaken belief because he gave the same freewill to all, to do good or bad with it and he wasn't about to take away hubbys free will. I didn't ask for help and he wasn't so controlling to cut me off from friends and family but life was not good.
Something girlfriends do when they get a new love interest or a guy interested in him is they forget everyone else for the time and focus only on the guy. So any girlfriend usually acts this way, no matter if its a great guy, good guy or a rotten one. Do not worry, she'll be back to you if she eventually gets away from him. What I call this reason she forgets everyone else is 'New relationship energy' and that can be as strong as the real thing, however NRE doesn't last forever and can be gone in a couple of months at which time if its a bad guy, it's possible with the right intervention to help the woman get away from the bad guy and stay away, and not go sneaking back. It might do her good to have family encourage her to go for a while to a counselor to learn about how she was being used and why the relationship was unhealthy and how to spot those warning signs so she doesn't get stuck with such a guy again. So my suggestion is your bringing this up to her family, parents, even if she is no longer under 18, and an adult now...perhaps she will respond to them especially when the NRE runs out and she begins to get a glimpse of who he really is and how unhealthy it is to give all your choices on how to run your life, your decisions, all given over to another person to decide for you.

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why is your eldest sister feels like shes the alpha in the family?

You did state 'feels like', instead of 'she is'. So I can only imagine that this has more to do with your feelings than what is truly happening in real life. Without both your ages, I cannot know if the following applies, but I had sisters and my own kids were sisters so I know that during puberty and teen years, that no matter the age, young women will fight. If that is what is going on, you are being picked on and drawn into fights, then it could be simply your ages and fact that both of you are undergoing body changes that are due to a great amount of female hormones released so that these changes can happen. And the hormones being so high, bring on unstable emotions. If this is the case, talk to Mom, both of you and realize that there is no other nefarious plans against you, and that's half the battle, knowing both of you are fighting the same hormones, and both using a bit of extra self control during this time. Now if that didn't apply, read on.

If both of you are older teens, young adults, I can imagine this might be something more of a battle over opportunities. Is the sister getting more opportunities given while you believe you are being overlooked? this could be whats going on and involved your parents. If she is being helped or given attention in some way, it could be simply that she is older and it is more crucial to get her set up first. Then, it could become a habit for the parents where they do not realize that in situations that do not warrant focusing only on older daughter, that they are overlooking you and your needs for love and reassurance.

You may simply be jealous. That is brought about by emotion, mainly the fear of loss. So in your case, perhaps a loss of parents love and attention, even if they are doing the right thing and are not leaving you out. Lastly, you could be struggling with a part of your characteristics that are strongly competitive and therefore see's any interaction with sis as needing to be a competition in which you win. That last one might need a counselor to help get you set on the right track. Otherwise, bring up to the parents what is going on in your mind. Please remember to state things starting with non accusatory way of "when such and such happens, I feel ...." instead of "she makes me feel, or you make me feel" which unfairly puts an accusation of messing up your feelings, onto people who can only contribute to actions that you then react to, causing your feelings. So to state someone made you feel a certain way is the fastest way to take an otherwise helpful conversation and turn it into a fight if the other parties are now feeling attacked by your choice of words. I am not against you hon, just trying to show some possible causes.

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Me and a friend of mine fell out over something a few months back- we both hurt the other’s feelings unintentionally and made some mistakes; we’ve apologised to each other and I know that we both really want to be friends again. I know that with time, we’ll be able to rebuild that friendship. She was the sweetest person ever; and we just had a personality clash leading to the breakdown of a friendship.

I’ve had friends in the past that I thought were friends but turned out to be anything but; who had malicious intent towards me; but I know this person never did, this person was a true friend of mine and I wish I could rebuild it. I’m just not sure how.

It's easy to say I am sorry, but it is harder to have a conversation about it. Just as a married couple need to communicate to each other in detail without assigning blame to resolve issues they will face from time to time, the same should be done for good friends.

I am sure that one or both of you are a bit hesitant thinking that if you have such a conversation that inadvertently something could be said that hurts the other or is taken the wrong way.

So here is a pointer. Own your feelings which means you can never ever say "You made me feel...." because that is already an accusation that it is their fault you felt that way. Most dont know about this. The better way is stating, when such and such happened, I felt ...." leaving out the words 'you made me feel. So believe me, it might take you practicing first if you intend to have the conversation. Heres an example: " Rosie, I need to state that when I gave you the birthday gift and saw your sister wearing it two days later, I felt hurt. I was under the impression that for some reason you didn't like it and gave it to her. So I need to know if I did something wrong in choosing that gift?" If she didn't like it, she can then explain why and you can tell her that you give her permission next time to tell you if she doesn't really like it so you can return it and get something else. However you might be surprised with some other kind of answer she wasn't involved in. "that little sneak! my sis stole it from me before I could wear it. I was wondering what happened to it.
I have experienced 3 family members, both parents and one sibling stop talking to me, not want to get together or patch things up. First was my Mom. Divorced from Dad and dating someone else. We both worked at the same place. I was newly married with teen sisters at home. She told me in the parking lot she has great news. She told me she was getting married to the guy she was seeing. I knew him and said, "Oh Mom, I am so happy for you." But in her mind she was expecting something else from me so she said, "When I told your sisters, they were jumping up and down from excitement." "Oh, thats great." I replied while thinking it good that none of the kids wanted her back with Dad though We still loved Dad. I didn't pick up on the clue she gave. Just because I did not jump up and down in excitement as my sisters did, she believed I was not genuine in my answer. Sometimes we all will do this, allow our minds to assume something because things did not go the way they had pictured in their minds. She totally stopped talking to me for a long time, can't remember for sure but something like 6 mos. or longer. We worked in separate departments so everyone knew who my Mom was. It became obvious to one older lady that something was wrong when she hadn't seen my Mom talk to me and avoid me everywhere in the building. I told her what was happening and she figured it out and told me about the assumption Mom had had and how she was upset about nothing I did wrong. A sister whom Mom spoke to confirmed it for me. So when my tries to get together with Mom were rebuffed, and she continued to ignore me, I had to wait until she was over her hurt due to her imagination, she eventually reached out to me and never mentioned what she had done. No ask for forgiveness. I did not care if she did not want to admit and apologize, I could be the bigger person and forgive that, i was just glad I could be in relationship again. And in case you wonder, nothing changed, she was still the loving Mom she was before her stint of silence. The other was my Dad upset at me for something imagined too and He knew no one would think he was in the right so he actually made up a false story of something awful I was supposed to have done. My younger sis believed him. He told this story to everyone at his church including one member who live not far from me and was friends with me and she told me she never wanted to see me again. Neither family member for months would speak to me. I had to wait again to speak with them because they both refused. My sis hung up every time I called. I asked her the other day if she remembered that and she said she did not remember that ever happening. It could be old age related, the not remembering. Never got apologies. This is the worst form of a 'falling out' that a person could experience. Luckily for you, she is willing to talk and get together, just embarrassed. So don't go into this expecting an apology. Just go in, hoping that you both will discuss what went wrong so you both can avoid doing whatever that was. Don't wait for her to initiate. It doesn't mean she's not willing, but deep down inside, her subconscious is probably feeling uncomfortable, some fears and it is easier to avoid those feelings if she waits for you to make the first move.

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I'm 22 and I think my mom is controlling me. I'll give one example.

So recently me and my mother went to the grocery. I was wearing a mask and she wasn't, (since some places are now allowing for masks off). Before we even left the house, I had my mask under my nose. Since it's been a year that people are required to wear it out, I often times forget im even wearing it as I've become used to it. Next thing I know my mom is screaming at me to take it off. Calling me names and all types of things. I just try to tell her its not a big deal and its just a mask but she gets even angrier.

She continues to yell at me in the car until we arrive at the store. At this point im crying my eyes out because she won't stop yelling. She leaves the car to go inside the store and I stay inside to calm down. Then after 5 minutes or so I go inside. I'm forced to wear the mask under my nose or else she'll start up another fight in the middle of the store, yet she still does anyway.

I tell her a couple of times to stop and speak normally to me like the human being that I am, but she ignores and goes on about how the mask is a "dog muzzle" and how much I look like a "psychopath". She knows I have social anxiety yet she says this anyway.

(Not to mention 95% of people in the store are wearing masks)

Anyway, it ends with my crying in the middle of store begging her to stop talking about it. But of course, this makes her angrier. She tells me "I've asked you normally in the past to take it off but because you didnt listen I have to do it this way now".

I cried all the way home and then had a talk with her once we came back. At the end, she said "You have a pretty face I dont want you to cover it with a mask." As if I'm some type of trophy for her to show off.

I'm ashamed as a 22 year old that I've let this affect me to the point of crying. She's done many things like this was just one example. I'm not sure how to deal with this chaotic behavior and could use some advice on how to deal with it when it happens next time.

Thanks.

I have an ex husband who was like this and worse. This is called verbal abuse. She is the adult so if she is simply stressed about something, she as an adult should be making better decisions, and not dump off her stress, using you as an outlet for spilling her frustrations on. In the end, my ex had some mental illness the Dr. didn't have the chance to figure out but the little he'd heard with me there, showed him that was an issue. The question is whether Mom acted like this before the pandemic. If she is a chronic abuser, the issue is something she would have to be ready to admit she has. My ex hasn't admitted his to this day and stopped going to Dr. which was the last straw and moved me to leave him. If this behavior has cropped up since the pandemic, then your Mom is one of tons of people who have been affected mentally by the pandemic. I thought if I was still married to my ex during a pandemic and stuck in doors with him, I probably would be dead by now at worst or seeing a psychologist at best. Many couples have split up because they were with the wrong partner. Your situation is worse because it is family. We don't want to lose family but 24/7 stress of this magnitude leads to depression or physical ailments. I got all the stress related ailments, including all over body rash and ulcers and migraines. In a dream, I felt God saying if I did not leave and continued allowing myself to be abused this way, the stress would continue to build until I died of heart attack or cancer. I wanted to be a grandmother someday, so I heeded that vision. Don't be ashamed. You had no choice, not knowing your Mom was capable of this. Her words probably feel like stab wounds to your heart. I know that's what I felt when treated that way. And yes the tears too. This is because you are nothing like her, you are a caring sweet person. If you weren't you'd be dishing back whatever she gave you, willing to go to the point of fist fights. So crying for a release is nothing to be ashamed of. If you were a minor, your only resort to getting Mom help would be contacting a child protection agency, CPS where I live. I even have family that were involved with CPS. They are not into spitting up family, just getting parents the help with classes, seeing a counselor while the kids are in temp care. I know this for a fact through seeing it happen to family. However you are an adult and will have to make a decision as I did, whether I would subject myself to such treatment or make plans and leave. I am guessing you live at home with parents which is what many do in these tough economic times. If you don't live with Mom, stop getting together with her and wait til she asks why, then tell her its because she's so full of anger and she verbally abuses you. If she is willing to see a professional and get the medical help she needs, you will support her. Otherwise, she won't be seeing you at all for now. I am figuring you also do not have a husband. A man who is in love with and cares about every little thing that could harm you or upset you, will be a good thing to have backing you up. Let Mom scream at him until he lays down the rules. No calls either, and she is won't respect it, change numbers and don't give her the new one. Blocking her is one way but many who had a person to dump on, don't want to lose their dump ground and will become devious, resorting to using or borrowing others phones.

So the decision and action lay entirely with you. We can not change other people. We only have control over what we choose to do as a person. So you may have to decide to go in with two or three other gals and get an apt to share. You aren't th only one who needs to get away from the parents to flourish. There will be others. If you attend a church, talk to the pastor and mention you want to leave but cant afford it and wonder if anyone at church can help. My oldest went to a church of her own choosing in her Senior. yr at H.S. She wanted to become independent and no longer live at home, not leaving due to mistreatment. She asked her pastor when she was ready to live away from home, was working but couldn't afford it yet and he asked the congregation and she was offered a place by an older woman for a while. From that she found friends to become roommates with and rented an apt. You will need to earn some kind of income to at least help a kind person willing to take you in, with anything you can, water bill you add to, food, whatever.

So until you are away from Mom, next time she says anything, inside your mind, tell yourself that she is the one with the problem, none of what she says is true. Then do not say a word. I tried that with my ex, and trying for logic in a calm voice, only added fuel to his fire and made him angrier. I contructed a way to deal with this. Every time he started verbal abuse, in my mind I went to a different place or I would think about something I could look forward to, like a friends baby shower and how I would help in setting it up. Somehow, once he ran out of steam, I automatically popped out of my mind to the real world. This is NOT a cure for the problem. After I left the ex, a retired counselor friend told me they witnessed me using my coping mechanism because I was so used to it and got permission to bring it to my attention each time they noticed it. I found myself having a conversation with someone and then all of a sudden my attention wasn't on what they were saying but off in my mind thinking of other things. I no longer needed to use this coping mechanism but it was now a habit like wearing masks is. Don't listent to Mom's idea of wearing a mask and her insult if you do. YOu are the smart one. Just heard on news that those who got PFizer vaccine are finding that it loses strength after time and you end up not immunized. Plus there is the more deadly variant already in the US. Although it hasn't spread as fast as it could due to so many vaccinated. But there will have to be booster shots for all citizens of some kind or another. So if I were you, I would continue to wear a mask if you are among lots of people in public. If outdoors alone, I feel safe not wearing one and only pull mine up if passing someone on the path or sidewalk. I plan to get any future boosters. But this is not over yet, this is only a big break before the pandemic hits us in another big wave.

I used to have social anxiety very bad. I was terrified if someone smiled at me or just said hello because I thought that meant they would take to me and I didn't know how to hold a conversation. I also assume good natured teasing was others being mean and bullied. I was bullied only by one gal the last two years of high school.
But I no longer have it. You can too. If interested, I can paste in a document on what I did to get healed of that. Its so easy. Doesn't cost anything but your time and sticking with the exercises until cured. And by the way, for me it was only a couple months, no longer. If you ask for that, do so only by going to my column dragonflymagic and writing me from there or I won't be able to answer. This site is set up for you to post a help for general, any advice person who wants to answer and also when you go to the column of an advice person and writing them from there.

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I'm 41/m. and for years, I've had this nightmarish condition of bleeding from my junk from getting aroused. I don't even have to ejaculate. NOPE, just some blood in my junk causes bleeding, most of the time. The urologist just plays it off as benign and "you'll be fine." But if I can't even get an erection without bleeding, how the hell am I supposed to ever have sex again?!?!??. And the doctors say "no big deal, go home". Let alone sex..., can't even clean the pipes once in a while! It generally doesn't hurt. But what hurts 10000 times more, is that I can't get my jollies, mostly, ever. And , that fucking kills me Psychologically. At this point, I'd be better off being impotent. I could understand some super old dude having to deal with this, but I'm 41. I should have plenty of "plowing" years ahead of me. BUT NOPE. I'm fucking cursed! And its really taking
down a dark, suicidal road. Why do I want to live with a literal fear of getting aroused? I'll wake up with a boner and I'll do what I can to make it go away and pray that there won't be blood when I go pee. This is what my life has been reduced to. I'm having a real hard time with this. I just dont know how I can handle this. I can't afford a psychologist. Meanwhile, everything else is going great in my life, obviously I can't have a girlfriend. but, finances and my living situation is pretty good. Long story short, the thought that I'm gonna have to be celibate for the rest of my life just kills me. And by celibate, I mean, I can't even "get off" without bleeding out of my dong and maybe a trip to the hospital if its bad enough. So, yeah... why would anyone want to live like this? Is there really anything else? Yeah, it sounds shallow. "help others" etc... I can't really think about much else besides how worthless I am and how I'd be better off just dying. If my body is so fucked up, I can't even get off once in a while. Which is a damn shame because, I've worked so hard to get out of being fat, and now I'm actually fit, and NOPE, God just said a big "FUCK YOU, YOU WON"T BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!" I really feel like a worthless pile of shit. I know I'm not a bad guy or anything. But this problem FUCKING KILLS ME! Doctors all tell me "its fine, you'll live." Easy for them to say, since they're not experiencing this. Anyway, Not sure what I'm looking for here. Some kind of insight or advice? I really wouldn't know what to say to someone with this problem. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

If the doctors you have seen don't seem to care to investigate more, then you need to keep trying new Drs. I'll bet if any of your Drs. had the same problem, they would be doing everything they could to find a solution.

The medical system today is very messed up. I generally have no confidence in it, except for a few people in the medical community who stand out because they are doing what they do because they love it, they're not in it for the money but to help people, cus that's where their heart is at.

I can't drive this home more importantly other than to share a story of my own to give you hope. No, I don't have the same story as you, and I am a female but only til recently did I accidentally come across a Dr my insurance covered who really cared. It started 17 years ago. I noticed some slight double vision in my left eye. My right was fine but strained at times for carrying more of the load. Right from the start, every new optometrist I had, I would mention my issue and all told me nothing could be done for me. Meanwhile, the vision got so bad I stopped driving. My husband did all the driving and I had to rely on him to take me to appts and such. At one point, it was so bad I thought perhaps this was the start of cataracts which I knew to be a real thing so I saw my Dr. who told me to see an Ophthalmologist, the eye Dr. trained for eye diseases and such issues. In the past, such a Dr. did not seem concerned when I told him, but in his records wrote I had the start of cataracts due to age. So I see an Ophthalmologist of my choosing who is in my insurance network and this Dr. referred me to a Neural Ophthalmologist who knows how to check if there is a problem with any nerves. This all came about last year. SHe found I had what seemed to be what she called 6th nerved palsy. But to be careful and not assume in case it was a mass growing behind my eye, I was sent for a scan of the brain. There was no mass. So now I had to see an Ophthalmologist who could test me and fit me for what I was told were special lenses. So I called Dr.s on the list of those covered by insurance. Had to leave messages as two didn't answer and I figured this was due to pandemic. Of the ones I spoke to, none had experience in this area but told me they'd be glad to fit me with special lenses. I had already seen one Dr whose equipment couldn't measure how bad my eyes were. One of the Drs. I left a message, called bad. Told me of his website which I looked at as I was on the phone. What was different about him already was that he specialized in eye therapy. I went to him and found he was the most caring, encouraging person i had the luck to discover. I wish I had people to send to him. Insurance didn't cover him for eye therapy, only for regular optometrist visits which he also does. He had me see him once a month, out of pocket 80. a month but I diligently did the exercises. Due to a palsied nerve that I got in childhood, born with, my eye was 20 degrees off center, slightly noticeable if you knew to look for it. But that was way too big a gap to correct my vision so he had me do exercises to strengthen the other eye muscles and bring the eye back to only 10 or 11 degrees off center because at that point lenses could be made for me. I am now wearing them and able to see without double vision for first time in 17 years. Now how do you think I felt before, having every Dr. tell me it's nothing that can be fixed but I'll live. Unfortunately I have to accept that I would live rest of my life with double vision. That was pretty depressing. So I do understand a bit of feeling depressed by what Drs told me.

Maybe I bored you with that but I can't stress more to not give up on finding a Dr. who really cares. A Dr. who cared would run all sorts of tests on you, would take the issue of bleeding seriously and explain to you in ways you can understand what is going on, or if nothing, explain that too and why it is not anything to be alarmed about. You may have two issues here. Bleeding and ED. I am guessing that if bleeding is never related to ED that your Drs. have simply written you off as not having a problem. Keep trying hon. I know it shouldn't be this way with medical care but it is pretty F'd up so do not trust what Drs. say that its nothing unless they are willing to run tests, scans, whatever, and explain their findings as to why or why you don't have a problem. If there is nothing physically causing the bleeding, then the next step would be seeing a psychologist to see if there is any way you could be contributing to issue mentally. Don't overestimate the powers of the mind to do good or bad. Yes, I am female so I can not know what it feels like for a guy not able to have sex. its a genes thing for my husband. Some people are born having the genetic marker for ED problems when they get older and then there a men who get realy old but never have the problems. All my hubby can do it take like 1/2 a dose of cialas and sometimes the other brand, cus a full dose gives him other issues. So he doesn't use it often. The saving grace is our connection compatibility wise and romantically. We have the chemistry, so his just listening to me talk, or his just looking at me or my using hands or mouth to touch him always help. Never ends up hard like when younger but we can make it work and probably have sex more often than folks without the issue. Just sharing that so you know there is hope to find an understanding woman willing to do whatever she can to help cus she loves you.

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Hello. I am a younger sister and my elder sister is 3 years older. We are in university. My sister is friends with these two girls (let's call them x and y), they have been close friends since grade 8 and up till now.

2-3 years ago X and Y moved back to their home country (They live in the same country, different cities) and now my sister chats with them online, video calls and texting. My sister has been diagnosed with slight depression and she wants to put on a brave face all the time. Every time she seeks comfort from X and Y, they say things like "well, I have it worse since my mum did not want me" or "at least you did not have to commute going to university. You do not know what it is like."
They dump their trauma on her and she is left to console them instead.

My sister does know what it's like to carpool and she had to travel by 2 buses to go to her university every day for 2 years. She does not say this to X and Y.
The problem is that they are aware of how my sister has self-esteem issues and they know she is not made of steel but still I have never seen them sympathise with her. They always bring in their problems when my sister wants advice. When they do not feel like explaining the advice, they reply to her texts with "hehe" or something stupid like that.
X and Y are also close friends and my sister had a rough friendship with Y in high school. Both of them were immature and growing but they have gotten over it, my sister feels guilty and has apologised many times and so has Y. But still, sometimes Y makes comments like "wow you were a monster back then. (regarding my sister's anger issues that are now resolved" or "I am still scared of you ahaha!"


My sister showed me the texts where she had texted how sad she feels after our relatives called her bad names and X ignored that and only sent a celebrity picture captioned "isn't he cute?"
My sister did not even know who he was and was unsure if she should ask because then X would get mad at her for not remembering. Y got mad when my sister said I introduced her to a game. Y scrolled up all the way to messages in Jan and shared them saying "see I said it first not her." Whenever my sister calls them out on their bad behaviour, they tell her that she's wrong and that she is too sensitive and that she twists things and in the end, my sister is always the bad guy.
When my sister watches movies with her university friends, X gets mad saying she does not spend time with her, but every time they scheduled a movie, X falls asleep or always chooses the movie and gets upset when my sister tries to pick or just says "I have to take care of my brother." or any excuse. Back when we were teens, she texted X and X hadn't replied for hours. Randomly, I asked her (with no ill intent), why X hadn't replied and my sister said "oh. she just falls asleep."

I hate to see my sister being frustrated with the people who are her friends. we moved a lot in the past years so most of my friends are online and I know how hard it is to make online friends (I have friends from pc games and such).
My sister, X and Y share so many memories together, I do not know what happened. I want to know what to say when my sister comes to me to tell me the things they said about her, her personality, how she has never been able to fit in. They make silly taunts that affect her and she tries to act like she does not care.
I want to know the word to say to console her. I know I can not fix this friendship but I want to support her.
so sorry this is long, but I would appreciate some encouraging words to say to help her out.

Oh no, nothing to be sorry about, glad you wrote this all out in detail as it sure helps with knowing if truly a one time or couple events or if theres a long history. As I see it, X and Y were taunting her already before they left the country and became internet friends only. When we are teens, myself included, we choose certain people to be friends with or they choose us, but our choosing skills are very inexperienced. Yes, we may have had friends in grade school but that was before we began to start changing and growing up into the adults we'll one day be. However as we become a bit older, we have mature bodies but our brains are behind in growth to maturity. That doesn't happen til mid 20s, and thats a long time to go, thinking you are old enough to know whats best and whats not. But I was that age once and know its a time when we all want to be liked, have friends and yet we more often than not, do all the wrong things or hang out with those who are acting toxic, because they simply can't help it. When we get older and reach our twenties, there should be some maturing mind wise and therefore, those we had as friends in HS may not longer fit as friends, they outgrew us or in my case, I outgrew them. I haven't had the easiest life, with first husband being verbally abusive and therefore myself sick often with stress related illnesses. He wouldn't leave me, I was the one he loved to release all his stresses on, toxic relationship after a family who were loving and teen years staying out of trouble. Now I have grown even more away from friends. I tried sharing what I was into, my current interests, my current beliefs and such with my closest friend when she found me on facebook. She did not like anything that made up the current me, trying to show in tone of her voice how she did not approve, didn't understand or was seriously alarmed. I only knew her in middle school before Dad gained custody in a divorce and moved them several states away. So what I am saying is that more likely than not, HS friends will never feel the same after HS even if good friends back then, because the either some have not matured and still act like kids, or worse, toxic and then some do mature and simply stop associating with because there is no longer anything in common. What I don't get is people like your sister who are friends with people who treat her like the opposite, like an enemy. I know the solution is simple, drop them as so called friends and make some new real friends. I'll get back to how she can. But what needs to be clear is what an Enemy is in the dictionary. One of the words to describe an enemy is antagonistic. The descriptions under antagonistic will show you how what x and y do falls under antagonistic/enemy. Here are the descriptions: adversarial, adversary, antipathetic, hostile, inhospitable, inimical, jaundiced, mortal, negative, unfriendly, unsympathetic. All of this is what they are doing. Friends do not do these things. So in HS they were acquaintances but not friends. they are still not friends. Now why does she stick with them. She doesn't think she can find new friends. The twenties are a time when people who were shy, quiet, low self esteem, low confidence, start to break out of their shell and slowly change. By time we are in our thirties, we have grown into much nicer mature people. There is hope for x and y that they will eventually change but not soon enough for your sis. Perhaps she can enjoy them if they can make it for some HS reunions. You mentioned your sis having diagnosis of slight depression. I have never heard it spoken that way. Either the person has clinical depression or situational depression. Both are depression but the causes and treatments are different. Clinical is when the feel good hormones your brain needs to deal with bad issues that come up, are seriously low, (another word for that is depressed) or totally empty, which isn't bad if your body is able to create its own new hormones. Clinical diagnosis means the person is unable to create the hormones needed and must take a form of them artificially created as a medication. A clinical depressed person can't ever be off meds because they can't create their own. This is the smallest number of patients because all the others are misdiagnosed as clinical when they have the situational one instead. As you might guess, some situation or on going situations are what have caused people to use up all the hormones they naturally create. The level of stress in their life uses up these hormones faster than the body normally creates so you have to use something as a booster to get the hormones created quicker so they are there to use. I am wondering if the constant moving to her is part of the stress that uses up lots of hormones. Perhaps it is other problems at home, with the parents. A dysfunctional parent adds stress to a child's life. Add in two toxic friends and it is easy to have situational stress. This means if she wants to be able to deal with her stresses, instead of removing them, she needs these hormones in a hurry if truly situational depression. I think that might be what was meant by 'slightly depressed'. You can't solve her problems. You can only make suggestions and hug her when she is upset. We can't change other people when they are doing the wrong things. Change for the better must come from within, a want to become a little better every day, a want that bubbles up from inside you. I know this because that's what it was like when there were any good changes in my life. If your sis is actually not clinically depressed, then i have a list of things she can do, easy stuff,that will start generating the needed hormones. I use several of these, engaging in things that will build up the needed hormones after I go through something stressing like a couple bills we don't have funds to pay, the car breaking down, you know...unexpected life stuff that has to be dealt with but uses up your stored up hormones to handle it. And if there aren't enough, you need to replace before feeling better. So check on that and get back to me if you need that simple list. Also if sis feels she wants to find new friends, now is a good time. She's an adult and won't have to move often with the parents but have her own life, plant herself somewhere and grow and make new friends. It isn't easy to start for those who haven't dealt with themselves yet. I couldn't make friends until I learned to be less self conscious and gain self confidence and then I saw things work out and fall into place. So if she wants, or you know she needs the self confidence, I can share something I read in a magazine once and tried myself and it worked real great. It was easy, just working with my thoughts and visualizing something. Lastly, I have info to share on how to talk to someone you don't know but want to befriend. How to start conversations which was also extremely hard for me in HS and earlier. I knew I had to deal with it right away as I would soon be entering the adult world and my lack would get in the way of succeeding in anything, getting friends, getting and keeping a job, having to deal with people in service related jobs, dealing with neighbors and in finding someone for a partner to love who is as interested in you as you are in them. I have all of this to share or can share just the part you think will help. If you need to contact after I have already wrote back, you can't share the ask for info where you rate my response. Thats only info for me to read, I can't respond to it. So go to advicegivers, look me up 'dragonflymagic' go to my column and write me from there to ask. Mention a little of the original question so I know whom I am speaking to.

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Well, my boyfriend has been acting differently, he won't say "I love you" back to me like he normally does. We argue from time to time and now I just feel sad and drained. I feel like he's cheating on me now at this point. He says he wouldn't do that, but I feel like he is.

So if you are saying that he said I love you in the past, but isn't doing so now, there are a couple possibilities. First one I thought of is called NRE, New relationship energy. When I describe it, you'll know what it is cus I guarantee you've felt it. NRE is a heightened state of feeling, of excitement at your new relationship partner. This feeling is much like the anticipation of a wanting birthday or Christmas gift and when you finally get it, you are so so very excited, can't get enough of it, you just love this new item and spend so much time with it. This is the same thing with a twist when you talk about a brand new relationship. The feelings are so strong that its easy to think its real love. So its possible he really thought he was in love and could say so. Unfortunately, this heightening feeling doesn't last forever, a couple months, maybe a few more but pretty much, the newness and this NRE feeling eventually end and you are left with what ever the two really have in common or not. This also means that the love one felt is no longer there and they may come to the conclusion that they are with the wrong person but not knowing the existence or possibility that it was NRE, they have no way to explain it to their partner. If this is the case, the best you can expect is maybe a best friend if he treats you well as a person but the love and romance you both thought was there, just isn't because it never was, it never existed, only the false impression of a real love. This is one reason he may not say I love you and the argueing because he is unhappy and just as surprised as you that he is not feeling it anymore. There is no cheating in this scenerio as the cause. NRE is one cause of couples who seemed so in love for two months, now splitting up.

There are families that never showed much affection which is especially so if the female in the relationship wasn't big on hugs and kissses or saying I love you. They do love people but quietly in their own way. I know people like this and my ex's grandma was like this so her son, my father in law, was the same. I knew he loved me as a daughter but he was stiff as a board when I tried hugging him. In this scenerio, he may never have been one to show or speak affection. Then the fact that he did for a while may indicate that he was simply pretending to be and act in ways that would impress you and end up with you being his gal. It doesn't mean he doesn't love in this case, just that he's got a problem of feeling uncomfortable in doing so and there is no other female in this scenerio either.

Since you stated how you feel he's cheating and that he say he wouldn't do that, I know it wasn't just your feelings but that you asked about cheating and asked also why he doesn't say I love you. What I don't know is HOW you asked. There are a couple ways, and if you imagine the tables turned and him asking you the same questions, one way he asks would sound like he is accusing you right off the bat. The other would sound more like an information gathering session in which he is not guilty before proven innocent. Of course, I am grandma age now and have had plenty time to perfect this, but when younger, I too asked questions the wrong way. If he asked you, "Are you cheating on me?" Wouldn't you feel like he's already deduced this must be true so why answer because he's going to think so anyways. At my age now, if I were dating and a guy asked that....I would realize he has noticed some things that are giving him cause to believe I might be having an affair. I would not say No I'm not because that doesn't qualm his fears. He needs an explanation and I can't give him one until I know exactly what he has seen, witnessed, heard which cause him to even ask. I would answer his question with a question: What things have happened that cause you to think that this might be a possibility?
Now think of how a court of law works. There you hear from the accuser but you also get to hear from the accused, more than just a 'no, I didn't do it. Yet in relationships, many people are quick to accuse but not really listen to. If this was a relationship with the true commitment level of a marriage, til death do us part and both love each other but there are issues, I would recommend marriage counseling which is really about how to interact with another human being in close proximity relationship wise to you, a sibling, parent, a husband, wife, bf, gf.

You can get such a book at a library or bookstore. Ask for the relationship help books or how to communicate in a couple relationship. I can say one thing, I know I would shut down immediatelyt and not respond if in our disagreemets, I felt accused. So heres a trick, own your own feelings when you have to verballize it with someone, using I feel, rather than You make me feel. Stating the word 'You' puts the accusation on them. However stating I feel like something is causing us to be different. It's almost like I FEEL you pulling away because I haven't heard you say I love you in many (state the time frame, days, weeks, months) and I might be imagining it but I think you are acting different. (List the ways so he can explain it all away) I do this with my 2nd husband all the time, llisting whatever I need more info to so I can then adjust my feelings. See, the only thing you can do is change how you think about something, not change the others behavior.

Lastly, would be that he is keeping something from you. It could be cheating, but it might not. Perhaps another vice he knows you would not approve of. Perhaps he is getting into gambling. It could possibly be he has become a drug user since you met him and that is accounting for behavior change. All in all, if he is as committed to you as you are to him, and both of you want to make this relationship work, then both of you need to work on your communication skills because until then, this relationship is not going to be any better than rocky.

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So I have this friend, who I set up with my other friend. He and I aren't super close, but recently we've gotten closer because he's dating my close friend now. There's not really a problem, but I'm just super confused about how he's been acting. He and my other friend have been dating for about 4-5 weeks now? And he's already said I love you, and asked her to take that step too (he was very gentlemanly about it, didn't pressure her, that's not the problem). The problem is that just a week before she confessed to him, he told me that he was crushing on another girl from his church, and he seemed pretty smitten too, but he wasn't going to do anything about it and he claimed that he was fine just being friends with her. The next day, he told me that he had feelings for me last year, when we first met. I was dating someone when he told me this, and I knew my friend liked him so I sort of just acted surprised, and laughed it off. He claimed he was over his feelings for me, but after my relationship ended badly, obviously, I complained to all my friends about it, including him, and I kept getting the feeling that he still liked me. He didn't really like my boyfriend, and even made a bet with my friend on how short the relationship would last. He also, while I was complaining about my ex, said things like how he wouldn't be like that in a relationship, and described what he would be like in a relationship, which was basically MY ideal relationship about which I had been describing to all my friends because I had learned my lesson from my train wreck of a previous relationship. He's also very artistic and good with his hands and kept insisting on gifting me handmade carvings and jewelry even though I had turned it down a bunch of times. I was getting kind of suspicious so I told my friend, who was crushing HARD on him, but she didn't really seem to care, because soon after, she confessed to him. When I asked him about how he felt about her, he told me, and I quote, "Idk, but I don't want to ruin a chance at romance." Which okay, fair, he wants to try it out before he decides, but also CONCERNING??? Because my close friend was totally whipped and really liked him. So they start dating, but even then, they don't really act like boyfriend and girlfriend, more like best friends. She initiates everything, and he didn't object to any of it, but didn't really seem interested in romance. They went on one date, and then suddenly he texts her "love you" somewhere in their conversation I don't know the exact context. But also, I'm talking to this new guy, and he HATES him too! I'm not so self-centered to think that just that means he likes me still, but he's disliked BOTH guys I've dated/am talking to. It's not like he just hates this guy specifically. He actually denied disliking my ex, but also insulted him and made a bet on how long our relationship would last, so... And then out of the blue, after 1 date and a couple of group hangouts, he's telling my friend that he loves her? Where did that even come from??? I find it hard to believe that his feelings changed that fast, or that he actually loves her, because, um, we're in high school and they've only been dating for a couple of weeks. And then school let out and they haven't seen each other except at MY birthday party. Can someone just explain to me how his emotions could possibly have taken a complete 180? Is this normal? What is even happening?

The issue here is of you processing the words you hear, much differently and searching for hidden meaning where there may be none. Females have a certain reaction when they hear the word love. Also females tend to think that the word love means in love with and there's a difference. When people are young and start dating, you might really really like some aspects of another person very strongly and assume this means "love" if male or "in love" if you are female. In love with, which females really want, is unconditional love. Its a love where both are best of friends and also there is the chemistry for romance which is the only thing that makes the difference between a best friend and a romantic couple relationship. Unfortunately most people end up with just a friend or only a lover but not the other part and both are needed to make a successful relationship.
There should be the exploratory dating first, not jumping into a love relationship or trying to. What I mean is dating a person only to find out if you like more than a few parts of their personality and looks. The love that can be turned on and off so easily that this young man spouts all the time is a kind of love, but it isn't the kind needed for a healthy rewarding relationship. Heres an example. Lets say you grew up in a small town far from other civilization and all they offered there in icecream was vanilla, strawberry and chocolate. So in growing up, you picked your favorite of those 3 and could honestly say you loved chocolate or which ever best. Icecream is something you have simply cus you want to eat some, as a special treat or reward, to feel cooler on a hot day, its based on what icecream can do for you. Isn't it true that there is nothing a person can do for icecream to make its life better? Now this person grows up and moves to a bigger town where the store has more flavors in their frozen aisle of the store. Wow, there's chocolate chip, chocolate chip mint and pecan crunch and rocky road. So you eventually try all these {new to you} flavors and decide that chocolate is too boring, that rocky road with all the additions is now your favorite and you just Love it! If you ended up somewhere again with limited flavors, you might go for chocolate but its no longer your favorite and as soon as there's a chance to have your fave, you'd drop the chocolate flavor awfully quickly. Now lets say you get a job transfer to a big city, a metropolis with places like 31 flavors and ice cream chains like Ben and Jerry's. So you try a Cherry Chocolate and pronounce it your favorite. Later you try others and now its a tie between Coffee flavored and Strawberry Cheesecake. So you indulge now in both. Does the Coffee say I'm being cheated on with the Strawberry cheesecake? We can have strong favorites of stuff other than just food or treats. I can say I love Thai food and its true but if something happened and there no longer was Thai food anywhere in the world, or icecream in the world, My world wouldn't fall apart. I'd be able to live just fine without it with some adjusting. However, when a person is in love with someone, each find themselves happiest when simply in the others presence. Neither is perfect and each already knew what shortgiving's the other has but they are consistent in many many good traits without ever slipping up. They care so much about how each other feels that when one looks sad, tired,or is crying, the partner wants to help soothe and know if they unknowingly hurt their lover. As for sex, each has the goal of trying to help their partner with whatever they need to end up satisfied, rather than only one getting satisfied or both taking turns. If both are working at pleasing their partner, then both will have their finish. In love with means you hear or see the irritating thing they do and instead of letting it irritate you, you think of how you'd feel if they died tomorrow and you'd never hear another spoken word from them, and with that perspective, you'd be willing to hear even the irritating words rather than none ever again. Yes, I get irritated at times but this is how I choose to think about it. Also, in love couples find that when one dies, the one left feels as if a part of them is missing like a leg or arm and they feel so devastated that they no longer want to live. The problem is that when in love with each other, your partner becomes 'Home' to you. It doesn't matter where you live, hut, mansion even a vehicle, just being with each other, you are home. So if one dies, it feels like you've lost your partner, your love and your home. Its worse than a couple who survives but loses home in a housefire. As long as they have each other, they can pick up the pieces and start again. I hope this all explains the kind of love possible and how what this young man is saying is not the kind of love young women are looking for. Be careful yourself because young men learn quickly how to dupe females into giving them sex, by saying they love you, and doing the bare minimum to impress her enough so she in innocence believes it. I went to highschool with a gal who got married as she graduated because she was pregnant. She never figured out what real love is so she fell too easily for the next two husbands as well. I am saddened by hearing things like that. If you can avoid falling into that trap, it would be a good thing for you.

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My bathroom toilet wasn’t working. Since this was an emergency I called to get it fixed. The maintenance guy said has this happened before and I was like no this is the first time. And he was they said it happens all the time ( I believe that’s what I heard). I suspect the usual maintenance guy works on my apartment said this. The reason I believe this is because I’ve put in work order whenever something breaks or isn’t working properly. At first, I felt like I didn’t want to be a bother but since I pay my rent I want to live comfortably. I sense he’s annoyed with my request but I didn’t understand why the guy came back and told me this. What was his point and I simply responded and said that it was the first time happening. Then he asked how long I lived here. But, I was upset that rest of the day. Because I felt hurt by his comment because it wasn’t true and offended that he would judge me for wanting things done in my apartment.

He asked about how long you worked there and that was your only clue. He may not be the regular maintenance and back up only but he will still know the history of repairs in all the apartments from past work orders. The problem if you can call it that: He was talking like a man, not explaining and giving only the bare minimum. But almost all men are like that, its an irritating male trait that women have to put up with, plain and simple. They can't help being that way. So lets take this from the top and lets pretend that the maintenance person was female. At the end, you decide if you'd still be upset.

MW will stand for Maintenance woman.
The MW said"This has this happened before with previous tenants of this apt and in other apartments. This happens all the time, so let us know again if this happens. We know its not the fault of tenants, just the way these older toilets and pipes are constructed.

Now if you'd heard that instead of a mans version, I don't you'd have felt the need to say "No, this was the first time. A maintenance man or woman is not going to be annoyed with work requests because that is what keeps them getting a paycheck. If they have nothing to fix in any apartments, they are not needed and they will have no income. The only reason your mind was feeling he might be upset with you asking for help is because you admitted to earlier thinking "At first, I felt like I didn’t want to be a bother but since I pay my rent I want to live comfortably". You didn't want to bother a MM or MW whose job it is to fix things even if the fix is the 3rd time or the umpteenth time. It is that sort of thinking that brought you to the point of believing this was an offense against you. It wasn't.

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I've wanted to get my ears pierced since forever, but my mother hasn't let me until recently. Actually, she promised me that she would take me (because you need a parent or guardian to get them pierced) about 2 years ago, but since then, she's just kept pushing it back and not going through with her promise even though I kept reminding her and asking her. She always has some excuse. So finally, she made an appointment to get them pierced recently. Only, the day that I was supposed to go, she cancelled AGAIN, and moved it without even telling me. Her reasoning is that the new Delta variant of COVID is a lot worse, and I have only just gotten my first shot. The problem is, she was the one who wouldn't let me get the vaccine when it was first was approved for 12-15 year olds (I'm 16 now, but I was 15 then). I wanted to get vaccinated immediately so it wouldn't affect my life afterwards, but she refused to let me because she didn't trust it even though it was literally tested on so many people. She made all these decisions without even asking me or listening to what I have to say, and now she's telling me she already explained herself, and I have no right to be upset about it. She didn't, by the way, explain herself at all, and just kept saying that I couldn't get my ears pierced and refused to talk to me when I asked her to explain. She's always been super controlling about everything, but how can she possibly expect to be able to control my emotions? Am I not allowed to be upset that she didn't keep her promise, and that her decision affected something I was really looking forward to?

Its not Covid that is the problem. You mentioned 2 yrs ago promising to take you but never did. Covid was not around 2 years ago or lets say in 2019, 2018 and earlier. There are parents who being the guardians and adults have all the decision making for their kids. That does not mean their decisions will make sense or even be right. I know I made one big bad decision but by time my kids were teens, I had changed. So tats, piercings and hair cuts or coloring, are what parents generally make their own decisions about. There is no law that will force them to allow you your ear piercings. So you may have to wait until you are legally an adult at 18 to pay for it yourself and get it done because you won't need her signature then. I know its a long time but some things like that are worth waiting for. Now I had an adult daughter, early twenties, and out of work, finished college but couldn't find a job in her field. SHe desperately needed work. She had told me she was going to get her eyebrows pierced. Now shes an adult and I couldn't say yes or no but I did speak up and mentioned that she might want to wait until she found a job because the employer might not want someone with those piercings. Well she got the piercings anyways, not listening and then got an interview where they liked her so much they said, we'd like to hire you but your piercings don't fit our company image and since you'll be working with our customers, you'd have to take them out and let them heal up or we won't hire you. Yeah, she told me about that. So she wasted her money on her piercings. I don't know what can be done regarding your safety, not having all vaccines. We've had our two. There is nothing yet available for the much worse delta variant but as soon as it is, we're planning to get it. Normally, I do not get flu shots as I had a couple of bad years with reactions to the flu and the worst being the year I had the flu a couple times every month from Sept. when I got it til the end of Feb. when it finally stopped. So I can also understand a persons fear of vaccines. But this was something special, or a death waiting to happen if I didn't get the shots. We are in the older catagory, who got the first shots but not so early that I didn't wait first to see if the first takers were getting sick from the vaccine and dying at some crazy rate like 7 out of 10 dying. Luckily that isn't the case. So it should be safe. YOu could always talk to a school counselor if you are back in school, asking what options you have if any. I really don't know. But keep checking around, cus you really need the 2nd shot to be totally protected. I know of people who caught Covid after getting only one shot. One of those, an elderly man, died. THe others didn't. Yes, you can be allowed to have your feelings about this and be upset, just don't let Mom see you being upset because that will make it only worse how she treats you.

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My mother has always been super controlling, and angers easily. She often insults me, either directly when she's angry about something, or passive aggressively in pretty much every conversation. She's called me lazy, worthless, stupid, psychotic, told me I should go to a (mental) hospital, and that I'd amount to nothing when I grow up. These were all on different occasions, but you get the idea. And in normal conversations, she'll often bring up how smart other kids are, imply that I should eat less and exercise more, and talk about how talented other kids my age are. Any time she compliments me, it's always followed by an insult, like how that top looks good for girls my age, but my arms are too fat. My waist is the only slim thing about me. I don't eat that much but I'm not getting any skinnier. Tan skin looks healthy, but I don't look good tan. However, my parents have spent a lot of money and time on me, taking me to different extracurriculars (although I was forced into some of them), going on lots of family vacations (although afterwards, my mom always says bringing me and my brother is a waste because we don't appreciate it, even though we always have fun there at least), and she always asks what I want to eat, and makes my favorite foods. My dad is better, but he always tells me that I'm overreacting, and always lectures me in a very condescending tone, telling me that I'm too arrogant and I know nothing. He always justifies it by saying that his attitude is always patient, and he's very nice about it, but his patronization is almost worse than my mom's constant insults because at least then I can just roll my eyes. They dote on me and buy me stuff, and tell me that they do all this because they love me, and want me to be successful in life, and that I'm too sensitive and overreacting when I tell them, this is verbal abuse, you know. They never take any of my concerns seriously either, when I try to bring it up, and my mom usually gets angry and says, "oh yeah, everything is my fault" and my dad usually just laughs at me. But whenever my parents and I are on good terms (usually after I haven't seen them in a while because I've been holed up in my room), I'm always unsure because they're nice and I have fun memories of my family and I can't hold grudges for the life of me. Also, I have this one friend who is actually abused by her parents, like she's been put in the hospital by her mom before, and it makes me even more unsure, because compared to what she has to go through, my problems seem like petty whining and not so serious.

I can say from experience, that yes, you are being verbally abused. Both your parents are in a bad spot. Can't know what ever happened in their past to cause them to bed this way. However, something that each of them felt and believed to be tramatic, started them on this path. I was married to a man who was verbally abusive. My Mom told me I could come live with her if I would leave him, early in marriage. Unfortunately, I believed what i heard in church that God hates divorce. Yet after having 3 kids with him, two who were moved out already, I heard the opposite from God, that my husband had run out of time to uphold the vows he made on our wedding day but never did. The time for him to learn to grow into a better human being had ended. A retired counselor friend told me he needed to go see a psychologist. This is also what needs to happen to your parents but no one can force them to. It is best if you let a school counselor know and have them get you help. If you are a minor, you can always let Child protection service or whatever its called in your area, know what is going on. Don't be afraid because I have a family member with kids who along with husband was leaving bruises on the kids. A teacher called the agency. All that happened was having to be seen by a psych Dr. who said they were okay and had to attend parenting classes, and losing the oldest child who was sent to her birth father. People on drugs even do not get jail time for being bad parents but instead get the help that they need. Your problems are not petty when comparing to a friend. My ex had verbally abused me for the entire time I was with him, 30 years. But it was in the last 5 of those years he started getting pushy with me. Would push me out of his way when walking through the house rather than asking me to let him by. The pushing became more frequent and on one occasion he came up behind me while angry and shoved me off our porch so I went flying but managed to land with my hands taking the brunt. The porch was only 3 steps high but I could have been injured. In his case, he went only a couple times to a psychologist and I went along for the first couple visits. The Dr. wanted me there. It took nothing for the Dr. to discover right at the start why I was being treated this way. My ex husband, as he is now, had mental illness for sure, but the Dr. needed more than a couple visits to figure out what kind. Now hers what twisted thing happened in his mind. As a child, there was a point his Mom was really ill in Hospital. He overheard the Dr. telling his Dad that there were equal chances that MOm would make it or would die. When his child mind heard that, he began to believe that his Mom would abandon him by death. She recovered. However that stuck in his mind. All girlfriends before me, left him. Why? He was trying to control circumstances to bring about a self fullfilling prophecy in his own life, that all women would always end up leaving him. So when he treated me bad and I didn't, he had to treat me worse in hopes that I would give up and leave. What kept me going so long was my trust in God to "heal the marriage" as church people and pastors told me. Then God told me at the end, I gave each of you free will to do as you wish, good or bad. I never will interfere and use power to change a bad person into a good one because that would be taking away their free will. So the end result was my needing to love myself enough to no longer allow myself to be subjected to this type of unloving treatment. If you think you can hold out til old enough to leave, think again. Everyone is different in how much stress their body can take until it begins to suffer from the stress of such a life. And that stress has to go somewhere, either into your body...getting illnesses or to your mind where you become more like a mental ill person or you are afraid to talk to people, have an opinion, look people in the eye, and battle little to no self esteem. Mine went to physical issues, daily headaches, a few migraines per year, all over body stress rashes that itched and stomach ulcers, just to name a few. All in all, verbal abuse is nothing to ignore....it is Serious, and can in the long term, cause an earlier death for you, way early...just from stress. Or something could snap in them, and you begin to become battered as well. I understand about the few fun memories of the family together. I will remember something and laugh at how great it was. But the problem is the good times were too few and the bad times pretty much daily. So you need to reach out for help hon. You will also need professional help as the victim. I had to go through counseling myself after I left my ex because I had too many coping mechanisms I had put in place that would interfere with future relationships with any human, not just a new partner. So please tell someone, a school counselor, the child protection agency. You might also put out feelers if any friends whose parents really know and like you, would let you stay with them for a while during the transition of the parents finding out you spoke out to people on this, because you don't want to suffer more abuse because of it. Perhaps you have aunts or grandma's you can call and ask to stay with if it becomes necessary and let them know what is going on. By their reaction, you'll know who's on your side or not and avoid those who are not.

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Due to pain in my side, I am scheduled for a colonoscopy in a few days from now. Because this is a medical procedure where anesthesia is used, the hospital requires that I have an escort (PLATONIC. Don't get the wrong idea!) to make sure that I get home after it's all done. (S/He doesn't necessarily have to drive if I'm awake enough.) I do not know all the details but apparently it's a legal matter for the hospital...the escorting person may or may not have to sign a form. An Uber driver or cab driver does not qualify; this has to be someone I know. The problem is this: I don't know anyone in my area nearly well enough.

My basic character (& certain previous experiences) has led me to a mostly solitary life. I don't need or want lots of company around, etc. The drawback is in situations like this, I have no one to ask. I have very few friends & none of them are particularly close.

This procedure is scheduled for the 7th of next month. Right now it's June 26th. I could reschedule the procedure but gut conditions can be serious, so I do not want to put it off. How do I find someone who can or will do this?

When hubby had his colonoscopy, he was told to have a ride. First year, I drove him, then was waiting to find a Dr who could help with my bad eyes so this year, a friend took him. The friend isn't someone who knows him that well in case something bad happened on ride home. We were told that the issue is the anesthesia in system and he could drive himself. That is the only issue. And usually they ask for a friend or family member to drive you home because most everyone has someone they can ask for the favor. If you are on face book, mention this and need for ride if you know people on face book. I have seen someone I know post asking for help to take them to appt and I did. But you probably don't do Facebook or other social media. So I would recommend something called a Cabulance, its like a cross between a cab and a medic vehicle where the driver is supposed to be licensed to take care of any emergency afterwards such as bleeding, where they would take you then to emergency and hopefully put you in contact with the Dr. who did the procedure. I know a lady who got the procedure done, was fine afterwards but the next day she was not and had to go to emergency. A friend has a relative who is elderly and has ambulatory issues, so getting in and out of any vehicle is a problem not to mention falling often so she has to have a caabulance take her to Dr. appts.

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So I found out that I was Autistic a few months ago and loud noises bother me especially fireworks and I was wanting to try to go to this year and I am already preparing for a lot of people and for the noise, but my main concern is the fact that the fireworks look like their falling on me . I know there not but it just seems like it . I just want to be able to enjoy it like everyone else and not be scared. I haven't been able to go since I was 12 and I am now 32. I want to be able to accomplish this and get over fear. My mom says why don't you just watch the neighbors do their fireworks that way you can back inside if it scares you because they do them every year ,but I hate missing the big Annual fireworks because of my fear. What does everyone else think?

Something you can do right now is Noise canceling Earmuffs. People who work with loud machinery wear them to save their ears. If you can find this in time for this July 4th, then all you have left to be concerned over is the idea you have of them falling on you. I don't know if Autism includes distorted thoughts that bring on anxiety but I had anxiety as a kid and teen and no longer have that problem. Most people can't get over it on their own, although I did. It works best if a Psychologist trained in CBT which is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works with you. It is the more helpful therapy, no drugs, just working on exercises to gain control over the distorted thought that fireworks will fall on you. So you won't be able to get in to see someone and have therapy work that fast for you, although I know that some people if diligent can overcome an anxiety in a couple months or more.

So if I were you, I'd check on computer for places selling these ear noise blocking muffs. I have worn one loaned at gun shooting range and it blocked the sound of the gun shot which is really loud. SO it would work for fireworks. If you want to go this year, perhaps you could sit with an umbrella over your head if it wouldn't block others from seeing. That way as a temporary fix til you go see a therapist, You may feel that bits of ash or whatever, are not able to land on you because the umbrella is there. It'll look funny to be sure but if you don't care about being stared at, I would think it should help. However, as stated by another, the parents won't be around forever and you have to eventually learn how to cope with this problem on your own so start now to address this issue since you are an adult.

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I am 32 year old female and I have been talking to this guy I met online for about a week now so today his supposed girlfriend texts me from his phone and says this is Justin's girlfriend. I responded back and said I am sorry I didn't know he had a girlfriend and said it wouldn't happen again and I blocked the number. Did i do the right thing?

Yes, from me too, you did the right thing. Now for the advice you didn't ask for but its very important, how to avoid these kinds of problems in the future.
For the most part, even a female being careful and doing the right thing can be initially fooled by a guy. I was fooled twice by guys I met more than once from a dating site. However I did find my second husband the same way. Here is what I learned from going through this stuff myself. Use the internet only to learn of the existence of the guy. Once you have met online, try to meet in person asap, usually I found a week good but don't take too much time or it might be wasted time and effort. I was fooled three times and I had experience with an abusive ex and felt confident I could spot all the red flags. First, know what you want in a guy, especially the must haves, which if not there, are actual deal breakers, even if otherwise he is okay. An example, the female wants to marry and have kids but he is totally against marriage or kids or both. If the guy is serious enough to find his soul mate, then grilling him up front won't scare him away,walked away which I made sure they knew was okay with me at this early point. The problems are that guys can hide too many things on line, even by phone and texts. You can't witness how consistent the traits you want, are in them. They can say they are patient and never raise their voice or lose their cool. My ex was verbally abusive so this one was important to me. This means I can't make excuses for a guy like I did with my ex. I married at 20 and didn't know anything I guess. So what I share is from my experiences and not just with one guy so this is stuff to be on the look out for. Guys want to put their best foot forward. So even if they don't make a conscious thought, they will subconsciously act and talk the way they figure out you want. The tactic here is, get the woman to fall in love with you and then you can revert back to your real self and she won't leave you because she has these strong, (but misplaced) feelings for you. I was not so desperate that I had to have the first guy who showed interest. I literally had a couple hundred guys write to me on the dating sites I was on. So interest is not the problem, it's what kind of interest. Usually my pics got an opening comment of how hot looking I was, how good I must be in bed. When that was the first thing a guy said, they never got a response. because I did not want a sex partner. I had had no trouble finding male friends with benefits. I wanted a husband, better than the last one. So I will call the issue the fake personality. Sometimes the guy doesn't even know he's doing it as his subconscious mind is controlling his actions. As soon as a guy thinks they have a gal hooked, usually her willing to meet him for multiple dates, they let the fake personality slip, and this is due to the fact you lose lots of personal energy by trying to keep up an act like that, and once the energy has run out and they feel secure thinking you've fallen for them, they will become their true self which I can bet will not match up with what you were hoping for. I am fairly smart now. I wasn't at 20 when I married. That guy I met in person and he fooled all my family and our friends. Then even once older and with more knowledge, I was still initially fooled. Don't berate yourself over this. The only dumb move would be making excuses for him including that its a once in a life mistake and won't happen again and staying with him as I did. What a guy says or does that is unacceptable to
you is like a cracked vase where something foul is leaking out through the cracks. You can pretend its only a one time thing and clean up the vase on the outside but there is always more of that unwanted something on the inside of the vase, or the person. That's how I messed up when I first married, thinking his acting controlling simply meant he cared a lot about me. How wrong I was. And that is a big problem for many females, getting fooled and not seeing it for a control issue. Back to my meeting guys on line...when after 4 dates in public, I was invited to dinner this guy would cook for me at his house, I went. So far, I liked him and he behaved well. But comfortable in his own home or maybe thinking we were at a significant point since I was willing to come to his place, he let the fake personality slip in the first minute I was there by saying, "Please excuse the mess", gesturing at his living room, "my *$&^% maid isn't doing her work and I am going to have to get rid of her." First off, the place was spotless. I don't know if he had a maid or not but he had used racial slurs against someone I did not even know. I realized it would take no time at all for him to start directing verbal abuse at me not to mention impatience and irritated that I could never live up to his impossible standards. I stayed for dinner and didn't let on my decision to stop seeing him but I never called and when he did after a week later, I simply said I had given it my best try but still didn't feel any chemistry. This is why never tell a guy early on that you like him or love him cus you may discover that you don't in fact. I didn't excuse him away in my mind, instead realizing that what I had just seen and heard was just the tip of the iceberg and there was more of that hidden below the surface, soon to come out and torture me if I wasn't wise. Met another guy who insisted on dinner vs a coffee date. I pay my own way for these. Out in the parking lot after, when ready to go to my car, another guy says he had something to tell me. He liked me but told me he was married and looking for a woman who would be his secret sex partner. I thanked him for being honest but said I could not do anything in secret. Now if his wife met me and agreed to the arrangement cus she didn't want sex anymore, then I might consider. He said he couldn't do that and she's want a divorce. She was his best friend and he didn't want to lose her. So this is one of the scenerios you may come across. Also, I had put in my profile that I am allergic to cigarette smoke so no smokers, and no smokers promising to quit. This one guy says over phone to my question that he doesn't smoke. We met in public several times with no incidence. Then one day, I agreed to rent a movie and watch at his place. So I drive to him and get in his car to go with him to video rental store back when there still were any. The car smelled of stale cigarette smoke real heavy. 'I thought you said you don't smoke' I stated. "Oh, thats from my son. He's a smoker and borrows my car a lot". That was the 2nd time he lied about it. But I had no idea at the time, treating him still as truthful and innocent until proven guilty. Didn't take long. At a break during the movie to refresh drinks, he started patting down his pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I looked stunned and he thought it wasn't a problem, that I would just let it go as if I were still a 20 something who didn't know better. He didn't smoke it but when I left, I said that being with him would not work. I should have said I did not feel the chemistry, something every male will accept. He left two hate messages on my voicemail. That confirmed another couple traits besides being a liar. He had a temper, and he sounded verbally abusive in his messages. Also traits of my ex. Now if I had only been chatting on line with him for a few months, how could I have discovered all this about him? You can't on line, its too easy to hide character faults and bad habits and whether the person is single, married or whatever. So remember to go from meeting on line to meeting in person asap and don't make excuses for a guy or think your exempt from his bad treatment of others.

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So my boyfriend keeps getting picked up from school by his parents
He text me the other day saying that it was all his mum's fault
I asked why
He said that he was gonna do something
Without thinking I asked what
He said he was gonna kiss me
I don't know what to say!
Did he really mean it?
Was he saying that he was gonna do it but he actually wont?
I'M JUST REALLY FLUMMOXED (confused)😁
Pls can you help!!!

i know when HS usually gets out early and back then I had a job that started early and I worked 6hr days so I was home shortly after my kids got home. But I was the only one who was home at that time of day. Other parents don't have that luxury unless there's a stay at home parent. However you mentioned both. This would either mean both parents are unemployed right now in which case they couldn't afford the gas for the drive to and from school every day or one or both parents are missing work to pick him up every day, or both are done with work day by that time or they are both self employed and can work the hours they want. If he's is getting picked up early every day practically for doing something wrong, then its a wonder he's still in school.
Next, if I understand correctly, he is blaming his mom for something. From what you wrote, I really can't tell what he is blaming her for. There are too many possibilities. His Mom has phobia's regarding safety of her son and has been adamant about her or Dad picking him and not letting him walk home. So he could be referring to a problem his Mom has. Or he could be saying he confessed he likes you to his parents. No big deal. But there are parents with rules about the age when you can start dating which may not coincide with current age and they feel they are doing their part in keeping you both apart. He explained 'why' IT was his 'mums fault ' but I wasn't told what the big "IT" was to begin with so I really don't know what he is blaming his Mom for. Also, he leads you to believe loosely that he is being picked up from school because he told his Mom he planned to kiss you? Never in my life have I nor anyone I know of ever voluntarily offered up that piece of information to our parents that we wanted to kiss a certain someone. The furthest a teen will go is admitting they like someone and name the someone if brave enough and that I have done. Really, can you picture yourself telling your Mom every time you are crushing on a guy or have a boyfriend, that you want to kiss or be kissed by him? Geez, heck no. Now lets say he was planning something real bad, the kind that lands you in Juvie. If he was badass enough to taunt his parents, that he was gonna do something. People don't usually think of an action they plan to take and then tell their parents what they plan. If the plan was bad, then telling his Mom he planned to kiss you would have been his 'smokescreen' to cover up whatever. He may simply believe that all women all very gullible, if his Mom starts picking him up so he can't sneak in a kiss after school. Then again, if he wasn't planning to kiss you yet, he may have thought it was the most plausible thing to say to cover his tracks and something he wouldn't mind doing if the opportunity arose. You seem to think that an upcoming kiss is at the center of this whole event. Sorry but I am a parent with children now adults and we are like bloodhounds when it comes to a scent or in our cases, words or deeds that bring us concern. He may be lieing through his teeth and already had runs in with the law that his parents are aware of. Perhaps these bad deeds happened after school. Maybe he was simply supposed to take the bus home but never did and hung out with questionable trouble maker friends so the parents want that to stop and decided that one of them should pick him up from school. Since he picks on Mom, perhaps she is the one with the backbone in the family and the one who laid down the rules for both her and Dad. As you can see, there are too many possibilities that could be behind the scenes here. When you have a question like this, no one can answer helpfully because we can't know what is in his mind, his own history, his family life, his morals, and so on. Heck we don't know yours. Everyone on here, columnists and question askers alike are anonymous. It means I don't know you, your name,age,where you live, and I don't know what you are really like.
So, more information is needed. This means, you don't know him as well as you think you do if you don't already know why he feels his mom has done something wrong as far as he is concerned. Perhaps he did tell you and you didn't think it important to share. Basically, when a person immediately blames someone rather than coming out and explaining their own role in a situation, they either believe they are being oppressed by the parents, or a person of any age doing that consistently, blaming others, is subconsciously trying to hide the fact that something is not right with them. This I would worry about most for you because it was one of the traits of my ex husband who was verbally abusive and controlling.
Of course it may have just been the reaction of a scared teen trying to avoid getting in trouble. But if I were you, I'd start paying really close attention to whether he does this often. Yes, many teens may be like this but those who have a more mature outlook, will go beyond acting just like the others. That was me and a handful of my friends in HS. Lastly, we are living in an age where females can approach a guy first, ask them out, kiss them first and guys have no problem with that especially if they secretly liked you. Confidence like this in a female is very attractive to males. So if you don't want to be kissed, be sure to state so with him ahead of time. If you want to know what it feels like to kiss him, then kiss him.

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My little sister (11-14 yo) is going through something, and I have been trying to help as much as I can. Recently, she told me something about herself (that she has a type of mental illness; it's self-diagnosed) and I'm having a hard time believing it.

The reason for that is because throughout her whole life, she liked to pretend to be someone/something else (she would copy what she sees/reads/hears about), so when I realized that she only started showing signs of the mental illness after she had read something about it, I had started having doubts.

I have talked to her about it, and I am trying to be supportive and keep an open mind, but I honestly don't know what to do. This is way bigger than anything else, and if this is true and for real, how can I tell and how can I help? Should I do what I normally do and take her word for it? Or should I do something else? What can I do to help her?

-Mia, age 16

I remember my teen years, Everyone just wanted to be liked by all. If a kid is quieter or has low self esteem, it is all too easy to think if we change and become more like others, including the popular kids, that we will be liked more, its all about being liked and fitting in. Why do people have angst even when grown up sometimes about not getting enough or any likes on any social media posts. This is the biggest problem facing teens in my opinion. So if she has been like this since she was real little, its not just the teen thing of wanting to be liked but lack of confidence in herself, and low self esteem. From as young as I can remember, as the first child in my family, I was fearful of people other than my parents and later, siblings. I did try once as a teen to act like a group of teens I knew. They were sarcastic and always talking trash and tearing up others speech, no matter what they said. So I began to do that and as I got good at it, I began to feel less and less good about myself and finally came to the place where I knew it was wrong and asked God for help with my lack of confidence and low self esteem. I got answers in prayer and in my last year of HS, worked on that and was changed into an outgoing person who learned to love herself and be myself. The most undiagnosed issue with young or older people, is distorted thinking. While not a mental illness, if kept up long enough, it can bring about the real mental illnesses. It would be best if she saw a counselor. Your parents are in charge of all issues kid related, making sure their child gets all it needs. So I have to say, they need to know. If for some reason they don't take it seriously, do nothing, etc. you may want to mention it to your school counselor. Even if she's in a different school than you, you need to get info of who can help and a counselor should know of what mental health counselors are in your area who specialize working with teens. My own neice went to a counselor for quite some time due to non mental illness related issues. But even if its not mental illness, distorted thinking sure can feel like one so its best to get her to see a professional. Many people don't like asking for help or going to a counselor, thinking it makes them inferior but distorted thinking is something ALL humans do a few times in their lives. However those unaffected by it, only who laugh it off, don't give it credence, and don't give the thought more time and rehash it over and over again in their head. So there are plenty others who do the same thing but have never gotten help for it. I must add that the better prepared counselors to work with your sister are those with the the initials CBT trained by their name. It stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which means it recogizes that other than something missing in your body that may be causing it, for the majority, the issues come from a start of distorted thinking. So take this seriously, it may not be a mental illness right now, but in time could become one. This is the only kind of mental illnesses that can be cured without medicine, simply by changing how one processes their thoughts, and what kind of thoughts they get. You are very observant an a great sister.

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17/F here. Earlier this year, I finally stood up to this girl who'd been bullying me ever since we were freshmen. We were at school, in the hallway on the second floor. She was mocking me when I finally lost it and did what I'd been dreaming of doing for awhile now. I hauled off and punched her in the face. She went reeling back towards the stairs, fell down them, and broke her arm in the fall to the landing below.

I was expelled and had to finish out the school year at a private school that was willing to take me in the middle of a semester. I was also arrested and charged with assault. My parents have hired me a lawyer and he's managed to work out a deal that'll have me serving a month in juvie.

Court is now a week away and I ought to be scared about being locked up. But my guilt outweighs my fear. I have never felt this guilty in my entire life. I never meant to hurt her that badly. I just wanted to be left alone. My friends all say I shouldn't feel bad for her and that I'm getting a raw deal here. Am I? I don't know. I just wish I knew what to do with all this guilt because I have to live with what I've done and I don't know how.

In a day of cell phones that can record happenings, I am surprised that no one caught any footage of her picking on you. Try talking to everyone who was there or send some message school wide asking for people who witnessed this. I can understand both sides. Good for you in standing up to her. Its scary, I know, I was picked on in HS too by a few specific people. You were not thinking of the surroundings and that she was near enough to fall downstairs, but punching in the face sounds like an appropriate move on a girl who has harassed you 4 years. Now on the other side, schools have rules that usually when one student is physically hurt or injured by another student, that they have to take some action which is usually expelling. If they take no action, it will make a lot of parents angry. Of course they are responding only to the fact you hit her, not what happened all along for 4 years, or that it never was your intention for her to fall downstairs. If she ever laid hands on you in the 4 years, that is also called assault. So even if taunting you is all she did, it was verbal abuse which is harder to prove than physical where there are bruises or worse. In your case, that was an accident but unless you have video proof, you can't prove it. I don't even feel assault charges are fair, but we live in a very unfair world where it seems the unjust get away with so much. When my husband was a boy and playing with his friends at the park across the street, there was a bully who always showed up to push him and his friends around, and I mean being physically bullying. He told me one day he'd had enough and didn't know why that day he felt he'd had enough but he hauled off and punched that dude in the face and that bully never bothered him or his friends again. I was married to a man who verbally abused. I left him. You don't have the luxury in a school of avoiding her, so something had to be done.
I know you feel guilty but what God does is look at a persons heart and sees whether it was intentional and planned out, like pre-meditated, or whether it was just an on the spot decision to stand up for yourself. Tho schools are anti bullying these days, there doesn't seem to be any good plans in place to catch bullying. It might be expensive but having all hallways and every corner on surveillance camera's might be the way for you to make a complaint go to the office and have them bring up the footage.
I think you feel guilt because you are a loving person who believes the saying, "Live and let live" and wouldn't think of harming even a small creature. It may make you feel better to apologize to the girl that she lost her balance and fell and you're sorry she broke an arm. But I would end it with mentioning that after 4 years of torturing you, she deserved that and more. She should be the one going to juvie. Your subconscious mind will keep bringing this up to play over and over in your mind accompanied by guilty feelings. Each time that happened, you have to speak to yourself, mentally in your mind is fine, but be sure to address it each time with a statement that it wasn't your intention for her to get injured, and you did the right thing in confronting her for bullying. At worst, she will never bother you again though she may pick on others. At best, you taught her a lesson to never pick on any person again. Either way its a win for you. So no matter what any human has to say, we all have our opinions and those will vary, but work with yourself until those feelings of guilt go away because this guilt is misplaced. You can feel bad for her that it happened, but don't let yourself get eaten up by the guilt feelings cus in a way, that is a way that your thoughts are giving her power where she is still able to bully you, making you feel guilty.

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