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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Long story short I worked for a man for 7 weeks doing his marketing, graphic design, ect for his real estate company. What I thought would be a good opportunity turned into a nightmare. He promised me a steady part time job (I need part time as I'm a full time med student) and within a few weeks he demanded that I work more than part time or he'd fire me which he knew I couldn't afford. I worked as many hours as I could but my schoolwork started falling behind.
Then he became extremely disrespectful to me, insulting my career choice because he "made so much money" in real estate. He also decided he wanted me to work on real estate tasks in real estate programs, which I didn't know how to do and he hardly even tried to train me. When I tried to ask questions he became volatile and yelled or cussed at me so I got scared because he's a tall and large man and I was a 5ft tall college girl stuck in an enclosed office with him totally alone.
He also started refusing me lunch even though the hours I was working required it telling me "you can wait until the end of your shift).
I wound up having enough and quit after one particularly horrendous week.
Since then I've tried requesting my final paycheck twice and he refuses to give it to me.
He told me if I try to sue him for it he will counter-sue me for "more than I have in my bank account". He says that because I quit he took a huge financial loss and would accuse me of deleting his proprietary information(after I quit, I deleted everything I made for him off MY personal laptop but he never asked me for any of it and as I said, it was on my personally owned laptop NOT his business computer. I did not want to keep anything that reminded me of him after I'd quit) and maliciously making a typo on his business cards so he couldn't use them, costing him the money he had to spend to print them. However I had given him multiple proofs of the card before I sent it off and this "typo" is actually a miscommunication on what his website URL is. I actually have emails proving I sent him proofs that he approved. Would any of this hold up in court?
I live in a state where there are no laws regarding last paycheck so I would have to take him to court to get the money but at the same time I don't really have any money to take him to court...
What can I do? Should I just let it go? The check would only have been for around $300.
The Answer
You should probably let this go.
Although you are safe on the approved proofs, in most cases work done while employed is the property of the company that employed you. There are a handful of exceptions around contractual work and creative intellectual property, but it's still very likely that you did something very wrong when you deleted all that work without providing him with copies of the files. It doesn't matter whose computer it was on, or even if the files were particularly useful, he still's very, very likely to have a legal right to them. He paid for the work to be done, and is entitled to what was produced.
Given that, and the pure cost of filing, you are unlikely to come out ahead on this.
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The Question
from losing weight? I went vegan for my health and to get skinnier, and have already lost 25 pounds this year. I still have an overweight BMI and have gone from a BMI of 30 (tipping point for obesity) to a 25.7, the tipping scale of normality. my boss frequently comments on my losing too much weight, my dad really hurt my feelings the other day by saying I should just eat the oil heavy, animal product heavy foods or get out (before my parents wished I'd cook more, now they hate that I need to make meals once every one to two weeks, saving money on food costs in the process), and many family members and family friends are very skeptical, in spite of my progress and the fact that it's the first time in my life I've ever been successful at a diet for more than like 2 days (it's been 2 months!), I was on the brink of getting type 2 diabetes medication at my previous weight, I'm finally learning to cook, most of my cravings went away (fast food is expensive. And not only am I vegan, I'm also mostly plant based, but I don't shame myself for occasionally having coconut ice cream or vegan cheese. It's like people recognize all these famous, beautiful people but don't like the idea of me being one, finally being happy with a slim (I want a BMI of 18.5, I don't have anorexic dreams) body for the first time in my life since I started puberty in elementary school (early menarche is linked with dairy, meat, and etc and I ate those with no restraint), or eliminating my risk for various diseases common with my elder family members. I'll just try to not talk about the diet as much and have my blood tests my proof of the benefits of a whole foods, plant based diet, but it's been sad to pretty much have barely any support, especially from family members. At least my co workers are supportive and consider that I'm vegan with things, unlike my parents who joke about me needing to eat animals
The Answer
You are conflating and confusing a lot of different issues here. Being a vegan is not always a healthy choice - any more than eating meat is always a healthy choice. Both these diets have pit-falls, misunderstandings and temptations that can lead to weight gain. Your diet choices might be great for you - they might not be great for everyone - they might not even be great for you at all stages of your life.
It's great that you are so much healthier, and it's great that you are feeling betters, and learning to cook. It really doesn't matter that other people don't recognize those great things, but frankly, you'll have an easier time letting them see those great things if you keep it personal, and don't claim authority on subjects you are not an authority on.
For example, you claim that early menarche is linked to dairy, meat etc. It's not. That's been debunked pretty damn throughly. Girls are not getting their periods much earlier than they were 50 years ago - the average has only moved by a few months - and has been linked to being obese, but also is largely happening along ethnic lines, not dietary ones.
So you see, the information you got was warped by your preference for information that would support the conclusion you already believed in.
That isn't something that just happens to vegans. That happens to everyone. We are more likely to take information seriously when it confirms what we already believed to be true, and less likely to take information seriously when it challenges our beliefs.
Your diet is your choice. That is only defence you need to make. Stop trying to defend the science - you don't actually know the science. No one knows it's 100%, and it's not going to convince anyone. No one cares about your blood tests, or how much money you are saving. Instead, demand respect for your choice, not your version of the facts.
Honestly, it's a bit weird to me how much you've got wrapped up in being slim and what other people think of what you choose to eat. In the end, what we choose to put in our bodies is a highly personal choice, and any choice you make is going to get some comments, good and bad, from others. It sucks when your parents don't support a choice that is important to you, but that's also just life. Make your choice anyway and stand by it, but stop trying to get them to change their beliefs if they are not open too it. Their choice to eat as they do it just as valid and deserving of respect as yours is.
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The Question
Hello all. I'm a 19 year old female college student. Several months ago, whilst black out drunk at my friend's apartment, I groped his roommate. I have no recollection of this, but apparently I rubbed the guy's crotch. Several people were in the room with us at the time. I think he asked me to stop and I believe I did.
The next day, my friend's roommate was discussing the events of the previous night with my friend, and said something like, "if the roles were reversed, and I did that to her, she'd be calling the police." When my friend told me this I felt absolutely awful, like a complete monster. I asked him to apologize to his roommate for me and he said that my apology was accepted and that his roommate understood that I was drunk.
I still feel really bad, like a sexual predator or something. I'm really worried that I harmed my friend's roommate, although my friend said that in all honesty he's pretty sure his roommate has long forgotten about it. Months have passed and I can't get over it. How can I forgive myself and move on?
The Answer
You apologized. It would have been better to have done it yourself, but it got done. More importantly, by all reports, you stopped when you were asked too. That is the most important thing.
Has no guy ever made a pass at you, or touched you, and only stopped when you said no? I've had it happen like that more than once. Most guys, decent human beings that they are, even when drunk, will respect a firm no. You have every reason to believe that is what happened, because if it wasn't you probably would have heard a hell of a lot more about it from a hell of lot more people.
Doesn't mean grabbing his junk was okay. It wasn't, but the important thing was that you stopped when it was made clear he wasn't into it.
You realize where you actually fucked up here right? You drank so much you can't remember what you did. That's why this haunting you, and you can't forgive yourself, because you will never be 100% sure what it is you are forgiving yourself for. That's the fuck up. There is no reason, ever, to get so drunk you are blacking out. It's not fun, it's respectful of those around you, and it's not safe for you.
You want a path to forgiveness for yourself? Don't be an idiot around alcohol just because you think that is what a 19 year old is supposed to do. There is nothing about being 19 that means getting black out drunk is a good idea. It's always a stupid idea. You'll do stupid shit, damage friendships, probably vomit, maybe land yourself in a hospital, and whatever fun you do have, you wont remember.
You want to DO something. Then do this: Promise yourself you'll never have the "I was too drunk. I don't remember what happened." problem again in your life. The price you are paying emotionally right now isn't just cause you did something wrong - you did, but you made it as right as human can - you are paying this emotional price because you can only imagine what actually happened, and you will have live with never knowing exactly what it is you did.
Never wanna feel this again? Don't get black out drunk.
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The Question
Okay...so I am a practicing hedge witch. I am not a satanist, niether do I hurt anyone, controll anyone, make poisons, sacrifice goats or do anything to harm anything or anyone...infact I do quite the oposite..I make home made remedies from herbs ect, to help peoples illnesses and beauty problems, I help as much wildlife as I can (I have had multiple resued wildlife from crows with broken wings to a snail with a broken shell.) I'm just a genuinely peacefull person who goes out of their way to help anything or anyone. So why, do i get so much abuse from christians? I've done nothing wrong towards them at all...I thaught it was suposed to be a peacefull religion that respects everyone and every living thing yet they abuse people who do a better job at meating ther religions teachings than what they do...and im not even close to a christian...
The Answer
Most religions have some way of dehumanizing, or demonizing and judging those who don't follow them. Historically, pagans and the early traditions that modern Wicca evolved from treated other pagans pretty poorly too! It's not like everyone who wasn't Christian was getting along with one another! They were also waging stupid bloody wars, raping and killing, and invoking whichever god they liked while they did it.
The idea, "Hey, lets not kill people who aren't like us." is a relatively new one, not just for Christians, but for humanity in general.
So Christianity is not unique is awfulness to those who are not Christian, it's just the most common religion in Western history so it's the easy one to see when it's being awful.
There are many books you can read on the historical, political and economic reasons that Christianity engaged in a deliberate effort to demonize witches. The early Christian church engaged in a very deliberate PR war against the native, pagan religions of the areas it tired - and usually successfully at that - to take over. Many of those same stories that were told a thousand years ago about witches, are still believed by some Christians today. There is a rich history of Christianity being used to justify really dickish behaviour - and that continues to this day.
You can learn the history, and the reasons that these myths and beliefs persist, but you probably wont be able to get into an individual Christian's head and figure out why they are a dick. Some people are just dicks.
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The Question
My wife posted a very slanted and highly edited version of the events that have led to the breakdown in our marriage here yesterday. She has shown me it today and has agreed to let me now post the full story without any details omitted, so that all the facts can be taken into account before any advice is given.
We have been together 5 years, married for 3, I have a 7 year old step-child and Emily is currently pregnant with my child. In yesterday's account, she implied the sole reason for me considering leaving was finding out about a threesome she had with two males when she was younger. She painted me as "paranoid" and, for lack of a better word, abusive. The truth is Emily has had a serious issue with compulsive lying for as long as I've known her. When we first got together, she told me that she had been raped at knifepoint when she was a teenager, however every time she told this story the details were a little different and didn't quite add up. She later admitted she made it up. Yesterday she mentioned making up "awful" things about me to other men for attention, what she didn't specify is the awful thing was allegations of domestic abuse. She not only told this story to men she was interested in to make them feel more comfortable with meeting her, but also to a lot of my male friends.
The reason I found out about the threesome in her past, was because she was having an ongoing custody battle with her ex-boyfriend. Emily had always told me this man had no intention of seeing his daughter, so I had adopted her and raised her as my own. Even though me and Emily agreed if he ever came back we would let him see his daughter, when he called to try and arrange this, Emily screened his call and blamed me. This man also heard Emily's allegations of domestic abuse towards me and rang the social services, who investigated us. Obviously, as I'd done nothing wrong, this case was dismissed. In her ex partner's witness statement against Emily, he cited the threesome as the reason their relationship broke down. When I asked Emily about it, because it didn't seem like something I'd ever imagine she would do, at first she denied it. Then she admitted it, but said they raped her. Then when I said I would contact the people involved, she admitted it was consensual.
Emily's compulsive lying has perforated every aspect of our lives, even on a day-to-day basis. The lies and fabricated stories are frequent and taken to extremes. She once had a "pretend" phone call with a company simply because she had forgot to make an order I'd asked if she could do, implying the company were to blame, despite my reassurances it didn't matter and she could put a stop to it at any time. Afterwards, when I asked if I could see her phone to see if she'd actually dialed a number, only then did she admit it. She is seeing a psychologist tomorrow and we suspect she may have borderline personality disorder or something similar. She has always been very flirty with other men and I strongly suspect she may have cheated, although I cannot confirm that. On one occasion she got very drunk and angered one of her friends by trying it on with her ex, they stormed out as a couple and Emily followed them in her car, was arrested and lost her driving license for a year. I considered leaving at that point, but Emily promised she would change so I stayed, but things haven't got any better since then. I do not love her anymore and can't trust anything she says to me, but with a son on the way I feel trapped. Whilst Emily promises she can change and that she loves me, her pathological lying makes it utterly impossible for me to know what's real about her and what isn't. I do not want to be a weekend dad, but I also don't want to raise my children in a loveless, unhealthy environment. Emily says that the love and trust will come back in time if I persevere through this "rough patch", but I don't believe I will ever be able to forgive or forget everything that has happened.
The Answer
Get your butts into marriage therapy right now - and probably be best to do individual therapy as well. I'd caution you not to paint Emily as the mentally ill one and leave it at that. Both of you are in need of support and you will also benefit from a place to air your feelings and frustrations with a rational third party.
Even if you intend to end this marriage, go to marriage therapy to help you negotiate how it will dissolve, and how you will co-parent respectfully.
Seriously, going back and forth on an anonymous website (which is primarily populated by teenagers by the way) is not going to get you want you need. We can't figure out whether you two should stay together or not.
You two have to each, individually, and then together, decide what the hell you want. Not what you think might happen in the future so hey lets gamble on that, or what you think will never happen in the future - but what the hell you want. Stop saying you'll never love and trust her again - do you want too? That's the question. The most effective way to get to those answers is with a skilled moderator like a marriage therapist.
Can this be worked through? Maybe. But if either of you don't want to work through it, then the other must respect that. Marriages are not hostage situations. Once someone wants out, it's over.
The primary responsibility right now - for both of you - is to stay (or get) healthy and sane and provide the best possible circumstances for your children regardless of what happens to your marriage. Going back and forth on Advicenators is not going to help much with that. Go see a therapist. Together, or alone, ideally both.
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The Question
Hi!
I've been dating the same guy for 5 months and before it was official, we had a thing off and on. I feel for him
Very strongly and can't see myself with anyone else.
However. His little sister started dating my ex boyfriend . Him and I only dated for a good month. But he's been chasing after me ever since. We're super close friends but have been on rocky roads lately. And I guess ...I'm scared to lose him? He's dated other people before my boyfriends little sister, and I didn't have any jealousy
Problems with those girls. And I am truly happy
For him.. I just.. Idk. Am jealous?
I guess what I'm asking is.. How do I cope/deal with this? I'm
Very happy with my current boyfriend and wouldn't give him up
For anything .
So, is there anyway to deal with this ?
The Answer
There is no trick. You just suck it up and deal with it.
Here's the painful truth: Your probably liked the fact this guy was chasing after you. It's nice to have someone like you that much - even if you don't like them back, but that was a shitty deal for him. If he's found someone he is really into, that is actually a great thing. It means you might actually be able to develop a real friendship with your ex, instead of a twisted, unhealthy balance where he is still hung up on you, and you are seeing other people. That situation was always going to get rocky, and lead to drama, because it was unbalanced and hurtful.
You 'lost' this guy a long time ago - when you broke up. It might make you sad that he is no longer chasing you, but that's a good and healthy thing to have happen! That means he's finally caught up with the reality of the situation and has moved on.
Just be kind and respectful of them both. It's okay to be sad that you've lost your exes attention, but remember that it's for the best. It's the first step towards a real, respectful friendship between the two of you, and it was something he desperately needed in his life. He couldn't keep chasing your forever -that would have been terrible for you both.
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The Question
I had sex with my friend (both guys) and I was wearing condom. Could I get sick somehow?
The Answer
It is possible to catch some STIs despite wearing a condom. Condoms provide very, very good protection against the vast majority of STIs, but not all of them. HIV - which is the STI that can lead to AIDS, is one of the STI that condoms don't provide great protection against.
Of course, you can only catch these illnesses from another person IF that person has the illness to begin with. You don't get these illness just because you had sex with other men. You get these illnesses from men, or women, who already have the illnesses themselves.
You want to get tested regularly, and you want to have sexual partners who also take their health seriously, and get tested regularly.
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The Question
So I'm writing a book (i write as a hobby) and I want an anarchy to emerge, so I'm wondering how an anarchy starts, what it would be like living in it (i imagine that total chaos would happen, and the humans would form tribes to live, and fight for power, but if you can show me how some anarchist society's work in real life today, that would be nice) and at some point it's going to end so how would am anarchy end? Thanks.
The Answer
Anarchy is a really broad term that applies to a bunch of different ways of going about human life. You are going to have to be a little more specific.
Anarchy, at it's most basic, just means no leadership and no government. So there is no centralized political authority.
But other than that, anarchy has operated in vastly, completely different ways. Some of anarchist groups are deeply religious. Others reject religion. Some are even a bit communist in their approach to property ownership and division.
For current anarchist societies, Zomia in Asia is sometimes pointed out, although some scholars do not agree those tribes are in fact, anarchists. There are also a few American anarchist cities which have risen and fallen over the year, Utopia Ohio, Slab City Wisconsin (which still sort of functions, it's an odd case you can look into), Drop City Colorado, and there is Whiteway Colony in the UK.
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The Question
I have a box of contact lenses left (from my old prescription) that are -0.25 lower than my current prescription (Older: -1.75; Newer: -2.0)-- I use Acuvue Oasys 2-week lenses. Is it okay to use the older lenses and then switch to the current prescription once those have run out? Will this have any effect on my current prescription?
The Answer
It's not going to change your current prescription to use old lenses. But, you wont be getting the full benefit and vision correction. That can lead to headaches and exhaustion and just general icky feelings. So it's certainly be better to switch to the new ones right away, even tho the old ones wont harm you.
The most important thing is not to switch between the new and old and back again. Once you change to the new, you should never go back to the old. It could make you feel very disoriented and sick.
I really wouldn't recommend using the old lenses for much longer. If you just have 1 or 2 pairs left, that's probably not a big deal, but if you have months and months of them left, just do your eyes the favour and switch to the new.
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The Question
sorry if this is long i got some really messed up news recently one of my best mates called me and told me he needed to talk he seemed really urgent so we met at my place and we started talking and he was almost crying and he never cries and just so you know he's a 25 year old 6 foot 6 bodybuilder so seeing him cry was also definitely a sign that something was not right but he told me that about a week ago after a BBQ at my place we both got kind of drunk so i let him sleep on the couch i have a daughter she's 11 and she has a crush on him i thought it was an innocent little girl thing anyway he told me that that he doesn't remember anything but he woke up in her bed with her and they were both naked and that he had taken her virginity then he said that doesn't remember anything but that she said she consented it really didn't seem real it seemed like a really fucked up joke he told that whatever i want him to do he'll do whether that be leave town or turn himself in to the police i really didn't know what to feel whether it be anger or sadness i don't really know i told him to stay right where he was and i went to talk to my daughter and she said that she consented and that she loves him and that she can't imagine being with someone else. so that's what happened i don't know what to do i don't want to send him to prison and be killed or raped because she said that she wanted to have sex with him i can't even describe to you in words typed or in person how conflicted i am. i mean on one had i want to respect her and her decisions but on the other hand I'm her father and have to make sure she is safe and nothing will happen to her but at the same time he's one my best mates and i know she's safe around him so that's why I've put it on here so some may be able to help me. PS i don't know if this helps but I'm from Melbourne Australia
The Answer
Send your daughter to therapy and remove this man entirely from you life, and your daughter's life. Even if you choose not to report this crime, his presence can only harm her further. He is no longer a friend. He can't be. He needs to stay the hell away from both you and your daughter, forever.
Sex with an 11 year old is not an opps moment. Even if she was begging him, it's not a mistake you are allowed to make! It's a terrible crime and an act of pure abuse. Your daughter needs support, and a safe place to talk about what happened. It doesn't matter that she wanted to have sex with him - she might also want to move alone to Spain or drive a car. She is 11. There are some choices she doesn't get make, and the adults around her have a responsibility to not let those things happen. If you allowed her to move by herself to Spain, or drive a car, you'd be charged with endangerment and abuse. An adult man who has sex with her should be charged with rape.
More important than the police, or the law, is your daughter's well-being. She is terribly confused and making choices she should never have had the ability to make, because adults around her should have protected her and helped her long before this happened. The one thing you don't mention in your question, is the one thing you MUST do. Get your daughter mental help. Now.
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The Question
Well she lied to me about being 18 and she is 16 and she 2month pregnant and im 27 but i dont think her parents would allow me to to see are kid and plus i think i could get in trouble for this cause its my fault for not asking for id i just didnt think girls do that and i just need help to see if i will in up in jail or can i still take care of them once she has the baby please help Me and this in the state of pa
The Answer
It depends entirely on the area you live in. The laws about age of consent, statutory rape and father's rights differ from place to place.
You should speak to a lawyer. Stop posting online. Just talk to a lawyer.
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The Question
In 2012 I had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 38... I never had children before the surgery so I will never get that chance... My roommate and best friend feels like I should be over this already and that I should feel grateful because... even though she has had 5 children and had to have her tubes tied that she has it worse off... She put it that she was able to have children then just had it snatched away from her due to medical problems and that that is worse than never having had children and having it taken away... I really don't know how to respond to this... She is usually a supportive person so not sure what to make of this.
The Answer
All you need to make of this, and to recognize that she isn't in a position to give much sympathy or support for this particular issue.
Your friend is in pain. She isn't able to help you with your pain and sorrow on this subject, because she has so much of her own. That doesn't make her a 'bad' friend, but part of being a good friend to her means recognizing that she has a limit when it comes to this subject, and too seek the support and help you need from people other than her.
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The Question
So I'm a 12 year old female and i recently met this awesome girl...I'm not sure if she's lesbian but she acts tomboy and when we were face timing her younger brother was yelling about lesbians, and i know she supports gay rights but the kids at her school don't. Anyway i want some good signs that she's a lesbian. So i have some questions: how do i know she's lesbian? How do i know she likes me? And hoe how do i get her as my GF? And if your going to condemn me to hell or tell me it's just a phase i don't want those answers so fuck off.
The Answer
The only way to really know if someone is gay or not, is to ask.
If you haven't been open and honest with her, perhaps if you tell her you are a lesbian, she'll tell you what her sexual orientation is.
Since you are very young, it's important to remember that not everyone you meet may be certain about their orientation. It's best not to have too many expectations, or put too much pressure on people who aren't as certain as you are.
But in the end, the answer to each and everyone of your questions is just that you ask her.
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The Question
I live in the foothills of the Front Range of Colorado and when it gets above 75 degrees I get sicker then a dog! I throw up a lot and then I'm very week! I push Pedilite something made for small children. its the only way i can keep my electrolytes stable. should i contact my PCP? i don't want to go to the emergency room! I am also a Diabetic 2 and have Bipolar 1 and COPD and its a long list of medical problems.
The Answer
Yes, you should go and speak to your doctor right away.
It's not terribly unusual for someone to have an adverse reaction to heat. I can get heat stroke very easily if I'm not very careful, in temperatures lower than 75 if I don't stay hydrated and cool. It's not completely crazy, but given the fact you have so much else going on medically, you really should speak to a doctor.
Obviously, if you are passing out, or vomiting so much you are seriously dehydrated, then you should go to the ER, but if this is an ongoing, but not life-threatening sort of situation for you, then you need to take it up with your doctor ASAP.
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The Question
I was raised to be Catholic. But the bible revolts me. It's sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic and it even supports slavery and rape. And i don't believe. I don't. This wasn't my choice. I didn't choose to do this religion of hatred. But I'm scared of burning in hell. That's another thing, people join religions out of fear. But none of them are correct except maybe the Buddhist religion because it's more of a philosophy in my eyes. I've even thought about joining buddhism. Or even paganism/wiccanism just to spite everybody. And i like the idea of worshipping a visible nature and not an invisible God. Why is this religion so hateful? And what religion do you think o should be?
The Answer
I think you've got a lot more research to do. Other people can't really tell you which faith will resonate with you. It's okay not to have the answers, but if you want to figure it out, you're going to have to do a lot of work yourself first before other people will be able to offer much insight.
The truth is that religion is only as hateful as the people practicing it. Most believers of all religions - including Catholics - skim over, ignore, or even flatly reject the worst things that obviously included in their holy texts or dogma. Religion is a tool that is often used to enforce the worst of human nature: xenophobia, tribalism, sexism, and all the other awful ways human beings have sought to control and shame others over the course of our history.
A funny thing happens when you truly stop believing in God, or heaven and hell. You recognize that religions don't come from any sort of God, that they are merely reflections of people. Sometimes religions reflect the best of people, kindness and charity, respect and mercy. And sometimes they reflect the worst.
Letting go of the anger at 'religion' or 'God' is important. I know there are many good paths to walk down in life, but choosing religion out of spite or anger isn't a path that'll lead to happiness. No matter where your learning leads you, do yourself a favour and look at the behaviours of individuals and groups, and don't get too hung up on the crazy things written by long dead men. Argue or disagree with the holy books or beliefs. Argue with people. Point out where they are wrong, or unloving, or just plain hateful. But don't fall into the trap of hating beliefs, or religions or Gods. These things are human constructions and ideas. They are only as good or bad as the people making use of them.
As people, we are responsible for what we choose to believe or choose to do. Religion should never be accepted as an excuse or explanation for hateful or discriminatory behaviour.
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The Question
I'm going to try and make this as short as possible without skipping important details. But, it is a looooong story.
My boyfriend 25 and me 23 have been together for almost 4 years now. When I met him, his daughter had just turned one. I've been there helping her grow up this whole time, I've worked my ass off constantly to help my boyfriend and his daughter, because I love them. Her mother has always been scornful and dramatic. (Which is something I don't think will change.) When we first started dating, she recently moved about 45 minutes away with her new boyfriend, in his house, had their daughter call him daddy etc. Fast forward to about 2 years ago, my mother was going through cancer treatment and we had the little one a lot. Mom started getting mad because she didn't know me well enough. (After 2 years) we have always managed to communicate the important things without fighting and being cordial. Well, somehow she had it in her head that I was trying to replace her. She took away his daughter and refused for us to see her unless I agreed to be her friend and go on some "girl dates" with her. I said no, and that I didn't want to get to know her. I was just at a hard spot and her being down my neck was making it hard. On this particular day she was angry, my mother had fainted and was in the ER. So things were pretty hard for me. I told her I didn't really want to get to know her, (which she still brings up whenever we fight) we were able to text and chat so I didn't think it was too bad. She said I acts uncordial and rude towards her all the time. My boyfriend talked to her though and she did let up. At this time she started dating my boyfriend's best friend. (Which was good for a while) over the next few months we would have the same fight which would end the same way. I agreed eventually to having a meeting and getting to know her. (She thought that in my mind she was an evil witch) our meeting went fine and she was happy. She got what she wanted. She drew me graphs showing our friends that intertwined and how I shouldn't let their perceptions of her effect how I see her. A few months later another melt down about not knowing me well enough. She NEEDS to be my buddy. But she also seemed to misread every text and message we exchanged, twisting them into some imaginary anger feueled hate that wasn't there.
She said I was demanding and rude. I had a friend message me screenshots and links from a page she was on. Bashing me, saying untrue things making me out to be some hateful woman trying to steal her child. There was even a big about why she is aloud to be crazy and that I need to tread lightly and not step on her toes.
At this time we had just moved into our new house and mom had been off in the virgin islands and then moved to the mountains to do ranger work. Which left us with the little one full time. When she returned she had the freak out and demanded that I no longer be involved in planning and be left out of communication.
My boyfriend set up a meeting with her and she had a melt down about how she feels intimidated and that she thinks we are getting back at her for when she moved with the new "daddy". She doesn't want me to replace her and thinks in stealing her daughter. I never wanted a child, and at this time I found out I was pregnant so emotions were high, I decided not to keep it, which was hard, and I'm still very depressed over it. She is now back together AGAIN with my boyfriend's best friend. She told us she wants to be able to come hang out with all of us and feels left out. They never came to a conclusion and the next day my boyfriend got a message she was running off with her daughter to the mountains for a week because I've made her life so hard since she has returned. And that she wants to completely cease contact with me until she clears her head. I message her and let her know i was hurt and felt cut out from my family. And that if she needed time that she could reach out when she feels ready. I then deleted and blocked her off Facebook because it was not helping the situation. She immediately called my boyfriend and blew up calling us immature.
We don't here from her for a while and since then she has made it a point to not talk to me relaying info to my boyfriend who then relays to me. Then the other day she shows up to get her daughter and acts all happy and cheery towards me and tries talking to me. (It was very fake and awkward)
She still hasn't spoken to me. But she has stressed to her man that she just wants to get along and be friends.
I want to talk to her but I'm not sure what to say because she takes everything wrong and overanalyzes everything. How do I tell her that I want to get a long but not be besties without hurting her how do I reason with this. Should I even try and reach out? I've tried many times in the past with mixed results. A I want is peace and the ability to be involved in my step daughter's nofe? I'm not sure how to approach or treat this situation. Please help and advice!
The Answer
Don't talk to her.
Here's the core of the problem: You are not her friend. You will never be her friend. She doesn't want to be your friend. She wants to hold you hostage and torture you. All of these problems arise because you are allowing her to define your relationship as friend or not-friend, based on whatever crazy fucked up mood she is in right now.
Take control. Define your relationship with her as not-friend, and leave it at that. You are not her friend. You don't have to hate her, but you are not friends. You would never be friends with someone who who insults and distrusts you all the time.
Your boyfriend needs to explore his rights. You have been in his life for years without incident. This women has absolutely zero legal standing to remove his access to the child. The child has a right to have a relationship with her father and the mother has no right - legally - to object to you. This whole kidnapping the child routine needs to stop. Your boyfriend needs to become comfortable using the courts to make it stop. It's likely literally criminal for her run off and deny him access.
The correct thing to be happening here is for her to co-parenting and talking to your boyfriend, and to leave you the fuck out of it.
Don't try to reach out. Live the truth: The truth is you want to be civil and peaceful, not friends. So be civil and peaceful, but don't be friends. Don't make yourself available as a friend. If she is civil - great. If she isn't - ignore it. If she freaks out and tries to interfere with your boyfriend being able to access his child, then get a lawyer involved.
You need to make this less about her crazy fucking feelings, and more about the child's right to have a father in her life consistently, and the fact she has no right to object to your presence. You've been living as though this crazy woman's feelings are the most important thing. They are not. The most important thing is the child's right to a relationship with her father, and the courts know it. If she can't figure that out, have a judge explain it to her.
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The Question
22/f, 28/m
My boyfriend is a slob. And I mean it's terrible. I have dated guys who were organized and were clean. They cleaned up after themselves, etc. This is the first guy I have ever dated to be this messy. How messy? I'll try to give you the gist of it without ending up venting.
He has a pile of random crap (papers, napkins, receipts) in the corner of his room. His dog even comes in, looks at the pile and tries to avoid it by laying elsewhere. He was unable to find his nail clippers once, and I found it under a napkin in that pile. The bathroom is a mess, the kitchen has food stains on the counters, another pile of papers in the corner, and the dirty dishes keep piling up, even after I wash them. He has a laundry basket, that's empty and his laundry sits OUTSIDE of the laundry basket on the floor. His closet is a mess, his clothes and scarves are on the floor. The only things that are hanging are his suits. There are papers, receipts, random stuff all over his house, dressers, etc. A particular room that was supposed to be his "office" are filled with empty cardboard boxes, random things stacked on top of each other, and cluttered crap all over the floor.
Yes. I am the one who cleans up after him. Yes, I have spoken to him about it before. I told him I don't think I could marry someone who was this messy and he got slightly better, but not really. I've even dedicated a day for us to clean his house. He agrees but eventually tries to get out of it by hoping he has other plans with his friends or he uses the bathroom for 30 minutes while I wash the dishes. When I decide to vacuum while he starts on the kitchen, he organizes a pile of papers in the kitchen and sits in the living room to take a break. Earlier, I suggested we go to the container store and buy something for him to organize his papers in any way he'd like. He said he'd rather "un-clutter" and temporarily store them in boxes before going to the container store. I asked him, "why not go to the container store, de-clutter, and organize them at the same time?" and he said, "no."
If he has a system I don't see it. If he wants to do things on his own, I don't see it happening. He gets annoyed when I lecture him. And I'm tired of cleaning up after him. The tip of the ice berg was when I was showering, I noticed that his body washed spilled all over my conditioner bottle. I bought him that body wash and I informed him that because he didn't close the bottle and it was on the side it spilled in the bath tub, etc. He doesn't believe that it did if there was some left... Even though there's evidence in the bath tub.
He keeps saying that he'll get around to doing his chores but he never does. When I leave him for a day to do his thing at his house, he doesn't make much improvement. Maybe wash the dishes and vacuum (which is something I already do). Otherwise; he doesn't do much.
I know it's his house, but I'm at his house about 5-6 days/week. And I hate being in a living situation like this. My friend thinks I should "go on strike" but I don't think that would help. I mean, he's the guy, in the past five years, apparently hasn't organized or cleaned his plastic bins--he throws random stuff in the those bins. I even found random Starbucks cups in them. I just never thought someone ever thought to themselves, "oh, no! I'm in a rush. I need to get rid of this." and throw the a coffee cup in a bin of receipts, papers, and documents.
What should I do? Any advice? Thanks in advance.
The Answer
Tell him this is a deal breaker.
Stop saying "I can't marry you if you do this." and instead tell him the complete truth "This will kill our relationship. I will - eventually - have to dump you because our relationship cannot ever move forward until your behavior changes. I cannot marry you. I cannot live with you. I cannot have children with you. That means the relationship will end."
It's not that it's an ultimatum, and it's not a fight, it's just the truth. So be honest with him. It's not just that the relationship can't move forward, it's that the relationship will end. You may also point out to him that the vast majority of grown ups on the planet are going to feel the same way as you. It's unlikely he'll be able to find a long-term partner who will put up with this, or clean up after him. Very, very few women will accept this. If it wants a wife, or a family, he wont get that unless his changes this behavior.
If he wants you, he'll definitely need to change. If he wants ANYBODY, he'll probably need to change. If he doesn't want to change, he will be single soon, and will probably stay that way for a long time.
You shouldn't go on strike, but you should lower your standards and insist he maintain a baseline by removing yourself if he doesn't. Bitching about leaking body wash isn't going to get you far - these things happen and even though these small things may pile up and annoy you, focusing on them is counter productive. Demand clean sheets, and that he get rid of all garbage in common areas. Piles of napkins and receipts are not 'clutter', it is garbage. He is living with piles of garbage. Demanding a basic level of sanitation in the kitchen, and in recycling bins is perfectly reasonable, especially if there is any expectation that you will be cooking. If there is no reason for you to enter his 'office' then it can be ignored for the time being, but anyone who cooks for him deserves a clean kitchen to do so in. He needs to maintain that out of respect for the person who is feeding him. Anyone who visits him deserves a garbage-free environment. Honestly, you may also want to reconsider how much time you spend at his place. Time 'together' isn't as valuable if you have to spend that time cleaning up after him.
If you are over there and the kitchen is too filthy for you to feed yourself or him. Leave. If the sheets aren't clean. Leave. Go home. Cry it out. Lecturing him will NEVER work. The only thing that might work, is showing him that he can't change this, you wont be around much longer.
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The Question
I'm in a long distant relationship. I met a girl who is also in a long distant relationship. We were honest with each other about our relationship status. I thought she was ready for us to be friends with benefit until she won't let me have sex with her the day she slept in my place, sleeping on the sofa in the lounge and insisting I go sleep in the bedroom. I cut things off of her. She keeps texting asking why I cut off. I told her I find her attractive and want us to be friends with benefit. She says she doesnt want that. And that she doenst find me attractive. I keep cutting her off but she keeps texting me. Came around once, keeps feeling at home, eats my food, even once asked me to buy her groceries. I feel like she's just a gold digger. I cut off again but she keeps asking why I am avoiding her. Is she playing hard to get? Or is she really a gold digger hoping I will keep tolerating her with the hope that I will eventually get some? I am male, working class. She's a student.
The Answer
Dude. She just doesn't want to have sex with you.
She's in a long distance relationship with someone else, and so are you. She clearly likes talking to you, but doesn't want to fuck you. She's not 'playing hard to get'. She's been total honest and direct with you: She doesn't want to have sex. She has said those words, and her actions back it up entirely.
There is basically no way for a woman to be more respectful and clear with you, then to straight up tell you she isn't going to fuck you, and then make sure that the arrangements are not at all confusing for you, and that there will be zero opportunity for fucking.
Don't be an idiot. If you don't want to be her friend anymore, then stand up for yourself and don't be her friend anymore, but don't start insulting her and calling her a gold-digger. It's not her fault you keep thinking with your dick instead of listening to the perfectly reasonable things she is saying. She's a perfectly normal human being who doesn't want to fuck you.
If her only value to you is as someone you maybe one day get to stick your dick into, then end the friendship. She'll be better of without you.
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The Question
I'm a female, and my weight is 100 pounds. My height 5'2 my band size for a bra is 28 inches. I was supposed to get my period at age 12 said my doctor, my breasts have devoloped but they stayed the same size since 5th grade! Do I have delayed puberty? I don't eat much not because of a disorder I am just not hungry. This is not not normal, correct?
The Answer
Age 12 is the average age for a women to get her period. Some get it at age 9, others at age 17. An average is just an average, it's not the truth for everyone.
If you are concerned, talk to your doctor, but there is nothing unhealthy about not having your period by age 15. It's a bit unusual, but still perfectly normal. Worth bringing up with your doctor, but not worth panicking about.
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The Question
Less than two months ago my ex broke things off out of nowhere over text, things were starting to disconnect and the hype of summer about to start. There was never exact reasons it was just the most messy breakup and he just flipped on me and was done with relationships. Earlier this month, less than two months since our serious relationship he's dating this new girl who he said he didn't like and they've been posting over social media together. It's just weird and hypocritical...We were at a running camp together last week where he grinded and slow danced with another girl and then texted me apologizing about hurting me.. Since then we've been texting like our usual close friends way like we did right before we dated. What is he doing?
The Answer
Ask him.
None of us are in his crazy little brain. Does he want you back? Is he just lonely? Does he think you are obsessed wit him? Does he want to be friends and just not know how to go about it? None of us can know.
Ask him.
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