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One of My best mates slept with my daughter.
sorry if this is long i got some really messed up news recently one of my best mates called me and told me he needed to talk he seemed really urgent so we met at my place and we started talking and he was almost crying and he never cries and just so you know he's a 25 year old 6 foot 6 bodybuilder so seeing him cry was also definitely a sign that something was not right but he told me that about a week ago after a BBQ at my place we both got kind of drunk so i let him sleep on the couch i have a daughter she's 11 and she has a crush on him i thought it was an innocent little girl thing anyway he told me that that he doesn't remember anything but he woke up in her bed with her and they were both naked and that he had taken her virginity then he said that doesn't remember anything but that she said she consented it really didn't seem real it seemed like a really fucked up joke he told that whatever i want him to do he'll do whether that be leave town or turn himself in to the police i really didn't know what to feel whether it be anger or sadness i don't really know i told him to stay right where he was and i went to talk to my daughter and she said that she consented and that she loves him and that she can't imagine being with someone else. so that's what happened i don't know what to do i don't want to send him to prison and be killed or raped because she said that she wanted to have sex with him i can't even describe to you in words typed or in person how conflicted i am. i mean on one had i want to respect her and her decisions but on the other hand I'm her father and have to make sure she is safe and nothing will happen to her but at the same time he's one my best mates and i know she's safe around him so that's why I've put it on here so some may be able to help me. PS i don't know if this helps but I'm from Melbourne Australia
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I live in the U.S. so I am not aware of the laws in Australia. Since our laws are based in British common law I would believe they are about the same in many ways. Under our law it is not possible for an intoxicated person to consent to sex. If you bud was that intoxicated then under the law your daughter raped him even though he says he consented. I tell you this for if you were to report this to the authorities it could be your daughter that goes into the Juvenile justice system and not your buddy. It would depend on the laws, how convincing your buddy is and if your daughter backs up his story.
In your place I would probably want to punish him feeling he could not be that drunk and still rise to the occasion. I would feel that he raped my daughter regardless of her saying it was consensual.
Though given the other possibilities what I would is:
1. Get my daughter into therapy. At 11 years old I can not believe she could have consensual sex, eve if she has entered puberty. A good psychologist will be able to find this out and help her understand what happened to her.
2. Tell you buddy if he ever shows his face around you or your family again you will report him to the proper authorities. Leaving town is good, moving to Sydney or New Zealand would be better.
I realize girls are growing and maturing earlier these days. We receive a great deal of letter asking questions about when is the right age to have sex from girls as young as 12 and some younger. We have very few if any from girls that have actually had consensual sex as young as your daughter.
If she were my daughter I would first take her to a gynecologist to make sure she has not been injured by having sex this early. I would also speak with the doctor for suggestions as to how to proceed with your her based on the doctor's physical examination.
Once home I would have a calm discussion about sex and how important it is not to engage in sexual relations until she is much older. I would give her all the reasons why she is too young and why it is important to wait until she is older. Make sure to include the part about a reputation in school.
Then just keep a close eye on her. You can't keep her locked in a cage until she is an adult. You have to allow her to grow and mature as a normal teenager would. Just remind her lightly when she starts dating of the consequences of an early sex life.
I truly believe the sex was not as consensual as they are making it out to be. So follow the two points I have written above and let life get back to normal as soon as possible.
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Send your daughter to therapy and remove this man entirely from you life, and your daughter's life. Even if you choose not to report this crime, his presence can only harm her further. He is no longer a friend. He can't be. He needs to stay the hell away from both you and your daughter, forever.
Sex with an 11 year old is not an opps moment. Even if she was begging him, it's not a mistake you are allowed to make! It's a terrible crime and an act of pure abuse. Your daughter needs support, and a safe place to talk about what happened. It doesn't matter that she wanted to have sex with him - she might also want to move alone to Spain or drive a car. She is 11. There are some choices she doesn't get make, and the adults around her have a responsibility to not let those things happen. If you allowed her to move by herself to Spain, or drive a car, you'd be charged with endangerment and abuse. An adult man who has sex with her should be charged with rape.
More important than the police, or the law, is your daughter's well-being. She is terribly confused and making choices she should never have had the ability to make, because adults around her should have protected her and helped her long before this happened. The one thing you don't mention in your question, is the one thing you MUST do. Get your daughter mental help. Now.
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Hey Bud, I've heard this exact same story before. I remember it being somewhere in the last couple months. You make it sound like it happened more recently and I would have guessed you and friend and daughter had all worked something out by now. I remember many writing back that it was part your fault knowing that you were drunk and unable to properly protect your daughter while in that state. I understand your mate was drunk, either hire a cab/taxi to drive him home or have another more sober BBQ attendee drive him home. It would be one thing if you were sober and he was sober. Both of you could have made better decisions. Obviously, the only one in the house not drunk able to make intentional decisions was an 11 yr old girl who is no where near old enough for the age of consent to have sex with anyone, even a boy her age. We know that hormones start puberty in some girls as young as 10, 11 and their immature minds can not differentiate between the kind of real true love between two consenting adults and the puppy love of preteens who due to hormones are starting to feel something and think they are in love and want to have sex. They are too young to make this decision. I assume there is no mother. If her mother was around or even a step mother, do you really think a grown woman would allow a child to crawl into bed with a grown man. No! Not unless that woman has mental illness and is severely cognitively impaired herself. This child, your daughter needs to be taught that crushing is normal when hormones start to flow but to take care of her horniness with masturbating, not sex whereby she can contract disease or become pregnant if she's already got her period. You are the parent, not her and if you want to be raising her and her baby, just continue to allow her to do whatever she wants.
As horrified as your friend was, I am willing to bet that when he has sex, he is only attracted to adult females, not children as he knows that is wrong. And knowing that someone is crushing on him would not even make him want to have sex with a child, not unless he hasn't confided that he craves children that way and is a pedophile. In that case he needs to get treatment.
Knowing how dumb young kids can be, I find it more likely that your daughter took her clothes off and snuck into his bed while he was asleep. Perhaps he sleeps nude. Perhaps while drunk he felt bare skin next to him and somehow removed his own clothes. I highly doubt that he went to your daughters room and tried to seduce her into his bed.
But then again, I wasnt there, neither were you so you could not prove that intercourse occured. Many girls do get raped, many girls that age who believe they are in love with someone will lie and say the man or the boy had sex with them in hopes it would mean that somehow everyone would let them continue to do so now that its already happened. You can't really know if your daughter is telling the truth or not. She may not be in the habit of lying but young minds in all humans are not totally done growing, at least the frontal lobe doesnt finish until we reach our mid 20s. An immature frontal lobe results in impaired judgment, inability in problem solving, not able to foresee ahead any possible consequences to any action. If your daughter had sex with him, did you take her the next day to the hospital for a rape exam? All hospitals have a kit. They check for traces of semen and check what ever else to see if she has been raped. that could have confirmed that it really happened. too late now I think. If this is months later and you haven't come to any decision of how you're going to handle this, then your indecision is going to result in future problems.
I should think one thing is obvious, that the both of you men resolve to never ever drink to the point of losing your faculties and ability for clear thinking ever again because as you see, it can put you in very awkward positions.
Lets say your friend was sober and it was your daughter who saw this as her chance to go sneak into his bed just cus he happened to stay overnight cus it was real late and he real tired. I am not a man but lets turn it around, and say my single mom friend has a 10-12 yr old son who crushed on me and snuck into my bed. If I were sober, I would yell and make a fuss if I could not physically drag him over to his mom and say, your son just snuck into my bed wanting sex. We all need to have a serious talk here as to why this is wrong. See, I wouldn't be able to do that if I was so drunk that i couldn't tell where I was. I might be imagining it was my boyfriend with me, not her 12 yr old son! Next time you have a party or decide to drink, have a limit. the moment you feel the very first bit of impaired motor control as you try to grab your drink and miss, you've already had past your limit. Better yet, at any point that some adults start to linger at your place and keep drinking so you know they might not be able to drive home, start planning who will take them home, who is the designated driver, or call them a cab, or if they are already conked out cold, call one of your daughters friends parents at the last minute, apologize and mention you've had a party and need to put up some guests who got too drunk and hope they can take your daughter overnight for a sleep over. Out of all her friends, there has to be at least one that will work out. this means you need to excuse yourself from your guests presence and go take care of this. You can not trust drunk people to make good decisions and neither can you trust children to make good decisions. The frontal lobe of brain doesnt fully mature until our mid 20s so until then our decision making is impaired, we have difficulty making good decisions, aren't having to foresee possible consequences and have trouble with judging people and situations. Your daughter can't help but be impaired in her thinking due to her age, so the adults need to stay sober to keep things under control and safe for her. Your friend is either a man who did something under the influence of alcohol, thinks he did something under the influence of alcohol or is actually a person who had a problem of wanting sex with kids and needs to go get help. One time doing so under the influence or drug or alcohol, doesnt make him a child predator, it makes him a participant in an unfortunate situation. Does he deserve to spend time in jail for this? I have to say its up to you but in my eyes, and considering the circumstances, I couldn't be sure of what actually happened so I wouldn't hold him responsible. Now if in the future you find him with your daughter, then he should be reported immediately and go to jail. Your biggest problem as a single parent, (i assume since you don't mention a wife in this) is that you get some professional help with handling your pre teen girl. It is normal for girls at this age to gawk at adult men they find handsome, to even crush on them, it happens with almost all teen girls at this age when hormones start flowing. Their body is just starting to develop but they believe they are adult enough to have sex, as well as just simply crush on guys. Young girls who are going through the process of puberty, going from girl to young woman will also have a need for attention from the male family member in her life, a healthy one without the sex, but she has the emotional need to know that she is pretty as a female. this scares most Dads. But mine knew how to handle it well. He gave me hugs when I needed and complimented my new hairstyle or outfit and let me know how pretty I was, but also let her know that all the boys her age are going to find her so pretty that you'll have to be beating them away at the door. this is the reassurance girls need from their DAD. However, some Dads are there physically but not mentally for their daughter or they have a truly absentee father image and so they try to get this need fulfilled by any male they know, other family members, friends of family and male peers her age all because of this natural need. At this age they can not differentiate between what is a normal crushing and a normal males verification with her being pretty , with sex and believe both to be one and the same. It is not so and doesnt need to be for her to feel self confident and good about herself and the changes to her body and to think she is pretty. YOu might read books on the subject but I think you're going to need help cus without a Mom to teach her and hold her in check you are open to a future problem of having a pregnant teen and you'll be raising both her and her child. it will ruin her life. Its not just about your friend but that fact that your daughters thinking that this was okay. Go to a family counselor both you and her as soon as possible. Dont sit and do nothing and just worry about this for another couple of months.
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Ok i could swear you asked this question before.
But anyway, If you know your best friend and you KNOW 100 percent without a doubt that in his normal everyday sober life he would NEVER EVER do something like this, then thats something to take into consideration here.
ITs hard to say how to handle things from this day forward but i will lay down some basic shit here what i know I WOULD DO.
Firstly, if your friend got drunk enough (even if he were at his drunkest) he should never have considered this ok, so unless your 11 year old removed his clothes while he was passed out then he still played an equal part in this.
Even in someones most fucked up drunkest moment this should STILL never be ok with them. He clearly has a problem, and i think firstly you need to tell him to get help and keep him away from your daughter. It is ok to want to respect and consider your child when they feel strongly about something but she is still wayy too young to really know what she wants period. with anything. An 11 year old is liable to change their mind over shit from one day to the next and this is from their inability to make sound choices because they dont even know who THEY ARE yet, let alone know what they want for dinner tonight. see where im going with this??
He needs to get help and stay away from your daughter and your house. You can still be friends on some level but he still stole something from her weather he or she knows that or believes it right now or not. She'll never get that back even if she thought at the time it was the right decision to make for herself. This is the reason YOU come into play here. you are her guardian and if you knew she had a crush on him it would have been best to make SURE he got home safely.
True, you couldnt have known the lengths she would go to but its usually not a good idea to have a guy sleep over at your house with a young female there anyway.
good luck and this is your sole choice to make.
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