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Groped someone while drunk, and I feel awful
Hello all. I'm a 19 year old female college student. Several months ago, whilst black out drunk at my friend's apartment, I groped his roommate. I have no recollection of this, but apparently I rubbed the guy's crotch. Several people were in the room with us at the time. I think he asked me to stop and I believe I did.
The next day, my friend's roommate was discussing the events of the previous night with my friend, and said something like, "if the roles were reversed, and I did that to her, she'd be calling the police." When my friend told me this I felt absolutely awful, like a complete monster. I asked him to apologize to his roommate for me and he said that my apology was accepted and that his roommate understood that I was drunk.
I still feel really bad, like a sexual predator or something. I'm really worried that I harmed my friend's roommate, although my friend said that in all honesty he's pretty sure his roommate has long forgotten about it. Months have passed and I can't get over it. How can I forgive myself and move on?
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I like the advice about facing the thing that weighs so heavy on your mind by basically facing your fears, your fears that this made a bad impression or harmed the other person even tho told it didn't. The thing is, you were and still are too embarassed by what you did to actually face the guy again while sober and had your friend/his roommate do it for you. Until you do it yourself, you may not get over the embarassment.
Sometimes it takes having an experience like this to learn some thing where you make adjustments in the way you live your life and your decision making so that you won't have to ever face consequences like this again from having your judgement impaired by alcohol. I enjoy drinking alcohol as much as the next person, but then again, I am the type of person who hates losing control over my body, my actions and my thoughts, thinking and decision making. So when I get to the point that I reach for my drink and slightly miss it or can't set it back down smoothly...I stop drinking... and would advise you learn to do the same. Don't even finish whats in the class or can, and switch to water, or something else non alcoholic, coffee perhaps. I also find that the more active I am, the sooner I burn some of it off and regain motor control like if there is dancing, or music I will get up and dance.
Keep in mind that until a person reaches at least their mid 20s or later that the part of the brain responsible to good decision making and foreseeing possible consequences such as you experienced, is in fact compromised due to the immaturity of this frontal lobe of the brain. It is the last part of a human to finish growing and maturing and until it does, we are prone to still making bad decisions and choices if we dont really stop to think things out or ask for opinions and advice BEFORE making a decision. At least you are writing in to us now, after the fact for advice and that is a good start. Mark this down as a learning experience and resolve to make better decisions in the future. this means making drinking plans ahead of time and the resolve to stick with them. Life is a learning experience from birth until we hit the grave. We can alway learn something if we are open to accepting our errors and learning from it and working on doing better or the best we can in life. Errors and mistakes are part of the learning process and as such are a good integral part of the process. You can only feel bad about what you did if you choose no corrective action for next time and continue to repeat doing crazy things under the influence of alcohol. Only then can you feel bad about yourself because then you are not making a solid good adult decision but a foolish one. Also keep in mind, we're always more critical, judgemental and harsh on ourselves than we are on others. If others forgive you, then you should accept and forgive yourself. And part of that process involves grabbing the negative thoughts of unforgivenness the moment they enter your mind and telling yourself they no longer belong there because.....
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I know it's been a while but I think the only way to really move on is to get closure, yourself. Just go over to him and be like "hey I know it's been a while but I still feel AWFUL about what I did and I'm sorry this is late but I never do that and I am so unbelievably sorry. " and you could do something nice like bake cookies saying "I'm sorry" or something. But you should do something to make amends, either way.
Hope this helps~
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You apologized. It would have been better to have done it yourself, but it got done. More importantly, by all reports, you stopped when you were asked too. That is the most important thing.
Has no guy ever made a pass at you, or touched you, and only stopped when you said no? I've had it happen like that more than once. Most guys, decent human beings that they are, even when drunk, will respect a firm no. You have every reason to believe that is what happened, because if it wasn't you probably would have heard a hell of a lot more about it from a hell of lot more people.
Doesn't mean grabbing his junk was okay. It wasn't, but the important thing was that you stopped when it was made clear he wasn't into it.
You realize where you actually fucked up here right? You drank so much you can't remember what you did. That's why this haunting you, and you can't forgive yourself, because you will never be 100% sure what it is you are forgiving yourself for. That's the fuck up. There is no reason, ever, to get so drunk you are blacking out. It's not fun, it's respectful of those around you, and it's not safe for you.
You want a path to forgiveness for yourself? Don't be an idiot around alcohol just because you think that is what a 19 year old is supposed to do. There is nothing about being 19 that means getting black out drunk is a good idea. It's always a stupid idea. You'll do stupid shit, damage friendships, probably vomit, maybe land yourself in a hospital, and whatever fun you do have, you wont remember.
You want to DO something. Then do this: Promise yourself you'll never have the "I was too drunk. I don't remember what happened." problem again in your life. The price you are paying emotionally right now isn't just cause you did something wrong - you did, but you made it as right as human can - you are paying this emotional price because you can only imagine what actually happened, and you will have live with never knowing exactly what it is you did.
Never wanna feel this again? Don't get black out drunk.
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