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My boyfriend is a slob.
22/f, 28/m
My boyfriend is a slob. And I mean it's terrible. I have dated guys who were organized and were clean. They cleaned up after themselves, etc. This is the first guy I have ever dated to be this messy. How messy? I'll try to give you the gist of it without ending up venting.
He has a pile of random crap (papers, napkins, receipts) in the corner of his room. His dog even comes in, looks at the pile and tries to avoid it by laying elsewhere. He was unable to find his nail clippers once, and I found it under a napkin in that pile. The bathroom is a mess, the kitchen has food stains on the counters, another pile of papers in the corner, and the dirty dishes keep piling up, even after I wash them. He has a laundry basket, that's empty and his laundry sits OUTSIDE of the laundry basket on the floor. His closet is a mess, his clothes and scarves are on the floor. The only things that are hanging are his suits. There are papers, receipts, random stuff all over his house, dressers, etc. A particular room that was supposed to be his "office" are filled with empty cardboard boxes, random things stacked on top of each other, and cluttered crap all over the floor.
Yes. I am the one who cleans up after him. Yes, I have spoken to him about it before. I told him I don't think I could marry someone who was this messy and he got slightly better, but not really. I've even dedicated a day for us to clean his house. He agrees but eventually tries to get out of it by hoping he has other plans with his friends or he uses the bathroom for 30 minutes while I wash the dishes. When I decide to vacuum while he starts on the kitchen, he organizes a pile of papers in the kitchen and sits in the living room to take a break. Earlier, I suggested we go to the container store and buy something for him to organize his papers in any way he'd like. He said he'd rather "un-clutter" and temporarily store them in boxes before going to the container store. I asked him, "why not go to the container store, de-clutter, and organize them at the same time?" and he said, "no."
If he has a system I don't see it. If he wants to do things on his own, I don't see it happening. He gets annoyed when I lecture him. And I'm tired of cleaning up after him. The tip of the ice berg was when I was showering, I noticed that his body washed spilled all over my conditioner bottle. I bought him that body wash and I informed him that because he didn't close the bottle and it was on the side it spilled in the bath tub, etc. He doesn't believe that it did if there was some left... Even though there's evidence in the bath tub.
He keeps saying that he'll get around to doing his chores but he never does. When I leave him for a day to do his thing at his house, he doesn't make much improvement. Maybe wash the dishes and vacuum (which is something I already do). Otherwise; he doesn't do much.
I know it's his house, but I'm at his house about 5-6 days/week. And I hate being in a living situation like this. My friend thinks I should "go on strike" but I don't think that would help. I mean, he's the guy, in the past five years, apparently hasn't organized or cleaned his plastic bins--he throws random stuff in the those bins. I even found random Starbucks cups in them. I just never thought someone ever thought to themselves, "oh, no! I'm in a rush. I need to get rid of this." and throw the a coffee cup in a bin of receipts, papers, and documents.
What should I do? Any advice? Thanks in advance.
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Your 'strike' almost certainly bear much fruit, since he clearly isn't too bothered personally and thus the inevitable incease in clutter will annoy you faster and more deeply than him. You have to domesticate him as it were. I'd point out that you are not his mum, and you have no intention of clearing up after him and organising him the rest of your lives. That you don't see yourself putting up with it indefinitely, and it's time he showed both a.) some signs that he can own and keep a home nicely, and b.) respect for your feelings by trying to do just that. It may well be his house, but imply strongly that he'll wind up living in it without you unless he sorts things out. Don't push this any further, don't lecture. Make it known, say your piece and leave it at that. And let his mind work on it. Carrots and sticks work well. We've talked about the stick, but dish out some carrots too. If/when he does start trying, give him lots of praise and tell him how much nicer it looks. I know, praising someone up for something you do easily and without thinking about it might go against the grain rather? But it's easier and more successful to flatter someone into good habits than trying to bully them out of bad ones. As humans we respond better to reward-driven behaviour than punitive measures, anywhere it's at all practical at least. Try a little humour at yourself. Smile and tell him you know you're a bit of a 'neat-freak' if he looks a bit mutinous. But of course, you find guys who are too sloppy (and slobby!) in their household affairs are a real turn-off for you. And maybe a comment that if he had looked like his house looks, you wouldn't have fancied him anywhere near as much!
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Its time for you to make a list of what you are looking for in a guy to help you decide if he is really what you want. I understand the heart can get attached to and have feelings for a person but if there are things about the other that would aggravate you your entire life, then its best not to go there. Also, we can only expect a person to be as good as we know them to currently be and be able to be okay with that cus the truth is, most people do not make major changes in their lifetime for any improvement and there is nothing another person can do to change someones bad habits. That desire needs to come from deep within the individual, the desire to change must be inside him.
So what you need is a list of NEEDS and a list of WANTS in a guy. To explain, a list of Needs would be something that if it was missing in his life, then it would be a dealbreaker as to ever become or continue to be the guys girlfriend. Heres an example of a deal breaker. The guy is adamant about never wanting kids and the girl wants to have kids, you are at loggerheads as there is no compromise in some situations, you can't have half a kid and both be happy. Another bad mix might be a great difference in belief systems or religion. for example a Christian with an Atheist and the Christian will tend to want to covert their partner due to fearing for the persons soul and not being able to see them again after death. those beliefs run deep and it can bring great anguish to both if one assumed they could always change this about their partner later.
Now, a Wants list is something that would be nice to have, a preference but its okay, you can live without it. Some of mine was that the guy have long hair, likes to dance. Well I got the long hair but he doesn't dance. And as much as I like dancing, I can live without it.
In your position, the way to look at this is, is his cleanliness a need or want for you. If a want, that means you wish he was clean and organized but if he wasn't and never in his life changed and got better, you are able to live with that, live in the clutter and do your best to clean up after him for life as quickly as he makes the mess. Now consider you decided that was okay. Its years later and you have a child or two by him, kids who make messes too. It would be a full time job in itself to just clean up two children plus an adult who acts like a child in this area. Are you willing to be his mother and clean up after him for life if he was not going to change. If you are okay with that, then stay with him. Otherwise, this uncleanliness item needs to go in the column listed NEEDS or dealbreakers. If you have more deal breaker than you have the Needs things that a guy matches for you, then he is not the right one for you.
What you feel now in love and adoration for him will slowly be chipped away at over the years by the things that you knew going in would irritate you, rob you of your peace of mind, things about him that might be harmful to the relationship, etc... And over time, the love you once had for him is no longer evident, you feel nothing and want out and break up years down the road, perhaps with kids now. I know about going the long haul with someone really wrong for you. I stayed 30 yrs and thru 3 kids. Eventually I left as the stress of it all was literally killing me slowly. the stress of a bad relationship partner has to go somewhere and its outlets are mental, emotional or physical. I kept my head on and stable mentally but the stress went into my physical body, resulting in headaches, migraines, ulcers and skin rashes that kept occurring due to my stress level.
Just guessing here, but is a place to live, a concern in this mix? YOu say you are there 5-6 days a week. Are you needing a place to live instead of living with parents? If so, think hard about that. Are you willing to settle for less, just to have a place to live currently. If you do have your own place, then you do have a choice whether to live with clutter and garbage or have a clean home. A place of clutter and garbage is also not safe for children. So you might want to consider never having kids if you love him enough to want to stay with him despite how much this bugs you.
If you think about stuff like Fen Shui and other such ideas about ones living space, I do have to agree, that a home will reflect what is going on inside a person, its an extension of them. So if his home is cluttered, something is cluttering him up on the inside, there are stuck energies, issues or problems he has that he has successfully hidden so far from you but will come out in the end. Also, if a person without mental or emotional clutter inside them, comes to live in an environment that is cluttered, dirty and disorganized, it can have a bad effect on them. My ex created lots of clutter. I tried to keep things clean but the extra effort I had to put out to keeping things clean and teaching the kids who'd say, but dAD doesnt do that, was wearing on me mentally. I lost my will power to even try to keep things neat, I felt so depressed and hopeless at times that I gave up and let things go out of control. Depression can do that. And so, until I left him, I forgot what it was like to live in an environment that was healthy for my mind soul and spirit. These are all things you need to consider in making your decision to stay with him or leave him. If your decision is to stay with him, then so be it, but considering that a neat person goes to live with a slob, that tells me the neat person may have some things they need to learn in this lifetime that they won't unless they subject their-selves by choice to such a living arrangement and relationship. I learned something from my abusive marriage but it took me almost 30 yrs of marriage to learn before I left him. Once you learn the thing you need to learn, then you will in the end leave him, not to escape the situation, but because the situation is no longer needed as you've learned your lesson from it and in my case, the ex was the catalyst for me to gain personal growth. Staying longer after learning ones lesson will take a person backwards and will result in the death or removal of one or the other so the mate can continue to learn and grow as an individual, something that can no longer be done with that one person.
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Tell him this is a deal breaker.
Stop saying "I can't marry you if you do this." and instead tell him the complete truth "This will kill our relationship. I will - eventually - have to dump you because our relationship cannot ever move forward until your behavior changes. I cannot marry you. I cannot live with you. I cannot have children with you. That means the relationship will end."
It's not that it's an ultimatum, and it's not a fight, it's just the truth. So be honest with him. It's not just that the relationship can't move forward, it's that the relationship will end. You may also point out to him that the vast majority of grown ups on the planet are going to feel the same way as you. It's unlikely he'll be able to find a long-term partner who will put up with this, or clean up after him. Very, very few women will accept this. If it wants a wife, or a family, he wont get that unless his changes this behavior.
If he wants you, he'll definitely need to change. If he wants ANYBODY, he'll probably need to change. If he doesn't want to change, he will be single soon, and will probably stay that way for a long time.
You shouldn't go on strike, but you should lower your standards and insist he maintain a baseline by removing yourself if he doesn't. Bitching about leaking body wash isn't going to get you far - these things happen and even though these small things may pile up and annoy you, focusing on them is counter productive. Demand clean sheets, and that he get rid of all garbage in common areas. Piles of napkins and receipts are not 'clutter', it is garbage. He is living with piles of garbage. Demanding a basic level of sanitation in the kitchen, and in recycling bins is perfectly reasonable, especially if there is any expectation that you will be cooking. If there is no reason for you to enter his 'office' then it can be ignored for the time being, but anyone who cooks for him deserves a clean kitchen to do so in. He needs to maintain that out of respect for the person who is feeding him. Anyone who visits him deserves a garbage-free environment. Honestly, you may also want to reconsider how much time you spend at his place. Time 'together' isn't as valuable if you have to spend that time cleaning up after him.
If you are over there and the kitchen is too filthy for you to feed yourself or him. Leave. If the sheets aren't clean. Leave. Go home. Cry it out. Lecturing him will NEVER work. The only thing that might work, is showing him that he can't change this, you wont be around much longer.
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