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Crushing...bad
I will take anyones opinion im in a 5 year commited relationship with my boyfriend i love him but i dint feel like its the same as before i feel like if i balance the good and the bad the bad definitely outweighs the good thing about our relationship im 21 hes 28 i work he doesnt i maintain everything in our home all the bills are paid by me when i come i also have to do all the house chores or they wont get done im exhausted i cant gi anywhere with my friends without it being a problem so i just stay home and me and him do anything outside our home ever. And now on top of things im crushing on a girl i met at work a few months ago currently we are friends but when we just met there was alot of flirting going on in the beginning she let me know that she didnt want to let things grow with me because she knows i wont leave my boyfriend but now that she stopped seeing me and treating me as she did before now i miss her what should i do..
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I am a firm believer that people should leave relationships because they are unhappy, not because someone else entered the picture. As a result of this belief, I will ignore the part of your question about the girl who flirted with you. You are currently in a relationship and should not be thinking about other people.
As for your relationship, it sounds awful. He sounds like a lazy frog. Tell him you feel sad because all of the responsibilities up to you. Tell him what you need him to do to contribute. Give it a few months to see if he changes. If not, it's time to leave.
Believe moi, moi has a charm that is lethal to men.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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You have two separate issues that might seem related but I see them as different and heres why before i tackle them. If the girl at work didnt exist and you'd never met her, would it change the problems of life with your boyfriend, would there be more good than bad in the relationship? And in csae you can't figure it out, the answer is no because she can't affect him in any way as to how he keeps house or treats you.
On the other hand, if you had no complaints about your 5 yr boyfriend and view him as a prince, a perfect guy and life is mostly all good with him, then when you met this girl at work, would you have begun to crush on her? Maybe. But its certainly not a for sure yes. The answer in my opinion is a No simply because when a person is missing something in their relationship, their subconscious mind which houses all your emotions, out of wanting to keep you happy (one of its main objectives) will cause to you act, feel and do certain things in an effort to attempt to bring you happiness, especially if it is missing in your current life. Even if the person would never actually have an affair or cheat, their mind will continue to dream and want and desire what they are missing and so you must be thinking that this girl has some of those qualities that you are missing in the relationship with the boyfriend. Doesnt matter what sex the other is, if in a committed relationship, and both of you are monogamous and aren't bi sexual, or polyamorous or have an open relationship, then anyone else is off limits until the current relationship ends. That is your only option in that case which I am guessing must be, as you didnt mention, bi, poly or arrangement to openly date others while committed to your relationship as the core relationship.
Your question seems to be only to know what to do about your feelings of missing her. So since I already explained why you have these feelings, you must be able to discern then that until issue one is resolved and you are happier and have your needs met emotional with the boyfriend, then you will continue to have unmet needs and if not this girl, you will begin to crush on someone else and will continue to do so. You can be determined to shut off those needs, but it is dangerous to force yourself to live with a situation that you are not happy in, especially when the bad outweighs the good. I am so glad you mentioned that because I Have a personal story that will explain these issues. I married at 20, a church guy so I felt it was going to be a pretty good relationship. Well, it turns out he was verbally abusive, couldn't be pleased no matter what and in the beginning I made all the changes and even my changing myself in order to keep him happy still didn't work. What i didnt know and discover until 30 yrs later is that he had mental illness, a highly functioning version of it, but bad enough so that over times, the balance of more good times than bad switched and the bad times began to outweigh the good until it was all bad and no good left. Since you can relate to that, let me explain what it did to me. As a christian, I was dedicated to stay married as the church taught the divorce was wrong. I still lived him in the beginning but as the years went by and i was treated worse than his friends or the family pet, that slowly eroded all the love I had for him. Same as a seedling that cants get the sunlight, water it needs and is being choked by weeds, will not survive, my love was destined in that situation to not survive. Yes, we thought about couples counseling. Actually he wouldn't go, believing I was the only problem and pointing the finger at me as having all the issues, a tactic people will use when trying to take the focus off themselves as being part of the problem. Without him willing to admit he might have issues, marriage continued in this way, with my sheer determination forcing me to stay. It took its toll stress wise, the stress of being treated terribly, yelled at even for following his controlling direction explicitly, ignored, expected to run all errands, wanted for my paycheck but not wanted sexually, terrible sex life and no love, and the list goes on. Stress has to go somewhere, needs an outlet which is either emotional, mental or physical. Most women will exhibit emotional problems, low self confidence, acting cowed all the time, sad, always blaming themselves and saying sorry or even starting to have mental issues their selves. With me, it all went into physical. Constant headaches punctuated with a few migraines thrown in. Several times of over all body rashs that itched, ulcers, the kind of stuff one gets if there is too much stress in their lives. This kind of stress in the end ultimately can kill by causing cancer or heart problems. OUr bodies are not meant to take stress like that 24/7 with out ever any relief. I was also under the assumption that to worry about my well being and put myself first meant I was being selfish. That is SO wrong. God finally got through to me on that and explained that I needed to learn to love myself first before His love could flow from me to others I come across in life. Then I heard that bible verse in a different way, the one about "Love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself." I was thinking I had to love others first, not myself and God was showing me the word AS. As myself meaning the self love is actually in existance before the loving of others. If one truly doesnt hate themselves but by choice still places themselves in situations where they are unhappy, not nurtured, then we are also not loving ourselves by omission, omitting that which we need as human beings to thrive. Same results in the end. I was shocked to think I had been by choice hurting myself all these years. It took having someone in my life who treated me that bad for me to learn this truth so somebody had to be the bad guy and I am actuallt thankful to the ex for having been the instigator of this learning process for me. He still is an unhappy person but I have move on and now am remarried to a wonderful man and only wish I could have met him earlier, but realize I wasn't ready yet.
So, in the end...you can always try couple counseling to see if this will resolve the issues you have with him and that in effect cancel your need for you subconscious to seek to fill your unmet needs in others, or if he isn't willing, then you aren't that important to him and he isn't going to or willing to change and improve so you must decide if you are willing to submit yourself to a situation that will either keep you stuck all your life, stuck unable to grow personally, unhappy, etc... or whether you are willing to learn to really love yourself first and give yourself all the possible chances to find the most hospitable environment for yourself as a human, in job, relationship, living situation or area, thus giving yourself the opportunity for growth, happiness and health and ability to find those who can have a balanced relationship with you, as friends or lovers, co workers, relationships where each carries their own responsibilities and willingly cares and gives to make sure the other gets help and what they need too. You are focused only on your crushing as the most important issue which is like having an infection on your skin whether due to previous skinned knee or cut and slapping a bandaid on, hoping that everything will be fine and the scratch goes away now. Your problem wont end until you go after what caused the infection in the first place. Something to think about anyways.
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