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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
19/f
So I've been broken up with my boyfriend, we'll call him Ray, for awhile now, but we both still want to be together. We decided to "post-pone" our relationship until one of us had a way to see the other (we live a good 20 to 30 minutes apart).
I was hanging out with friends on friday night and met this guy, and we both were attracted to eachother. Then the next night (saturday night) we ended up hanging out with him again. This time he made it very clear he was into me. I told myself I'd probably end up making out with him, but that'd be it. For some reason, all I could think of was Ray. So I had no intent desire to do anything with this guy. We were drinking, so of course I kinda start flirting back right about now. We start kissing, and I could immediately tell he was aggressive. He tried to shove his hand towards my crotch and I pulled it away. Then he said "Let's go back in the hallway". And here's where I feel like it's my fault. I put myself in the situation that happens next, and I know I could've prevented it.
I honestly DID NOT want to, but I started giving him oral and I wanted it to be over. I guess he got so turned on by then that he pushed me down and started yanking my pants off. This may sound so timid, but I was scared to say no. He was being so aggressive that I just went with it because I'd rather not know what would've happpened if I said no and he didn't stop. He was too rough and it hurt. I actually cried, I don't think he ever noticed, but all I could think about was Ray and how much I wanted to push him off of me and leave. I've been having a debate with myself about whether or not I was in love with Ray or not, and at that very moment I realized I did. I only wanted him.
After the guy left I cried for about 2 hours after everyone went to sleep. I felt like a slut, whore, etc. I felt dirty, and nasty. Like no matter how much I cleaned myself I'd still feel gross.
I tried to tell Ray about it, and how I thought of him. He said "If what you're telling me is the total truth, then that's called rape dummy". But it's not, right? I never actually fought back; the guy probably didn't think anything of it.
And then on top of all that, look at how the guy I'm "in-love" with reacted to the whole thing. I sent him two more texts, and he just ignored me. I even told him when we broke up that since we're not really together that if he wanted to do something with another girl he could do it, but I didn't want to know about it. So is he mad that I was with another guy, even though I didn't want it? Should I not want to be with someone who said that to me after something like that? I mean, "technically" it wasn't rape, but I am somewhat emotionally scarred from it. Not wanting sex that you're recieving is the most indescribable, horrible feeling a person can have. I don't even want to know what it's like for people who actually DO fight back.
I guess what I'm asking is, do I have a right to be weird about what happened and should I still want to talk to Ray after how he reacted to it?
The Answer
I'm very tempted to agree with Ray, but you are right, what happened is not a crime.
However, it also wasn't your fault.
You could have made some better choices, but you don't deserve to be forced to have sex with a guy just because you made the choice to hang out with him. It's the same way you don't deserve to be forced to have sex with someone just because you wore make up or a short skirt. Sure, you could have said no, and because you didn't it might not a rape in the legal sense. It doesn't mean 'rape' won’t be how you experience this event.
In the law, vocalizing non consent is frequently required, and that's important when establishing guilt under the law, and it should be! So this is not rape under the law and he may or may not be guilty. We'll never know. But it doesn't mean your experience wasn't consistent with a woman who did say no. Emotionally, it is completely possible you are going through something very, very similar, possibly with just the added guilt of not having expressed yourself as clearly as you think you should have.
Rape isn't entirely about NOT having a choice, and the crime of rape can still happen without a woman saying 'no'. Some rapists give their victim the choice between rape and punching all their teeth out or loosing their job, for instance. Although that isn't what happened to you, you are fair to realize that part of rape is the creation of an environment where the victim feels that they don't have a choice, which is why there are gray zones and it's important to recognize the difference between criminal rape, and experience which will be emotionally consistent with rape.
For that reason, I think you should ask to speak to a counsellor or therapist who has experience helping rape victims, right away, just as you would if you were the victim of criminal rape. You are clearly going through the emotional pain and anxiety of a rape victim. You need and deserve that support.
Ray is a smart guy and it's understandable he felt this way. He's a smart guy who believes he would never be confused about a girl crying while he was having sex with her. He wants to think he would also double-check that his partner was keen and willing, and be attentive to the kind of pain and shame you were obviously feeling at the time.
You have a right to expect all men to be as smart as Ray and to want to make those choices. Not off them will be, but I don't think it's unfair to think they ought to be. Where you put your gentiles on someone else is something you don't really get much allowances to make mistakes about. The same way you don't really get a lot of allowances on where you point a loaded gun or a knife. Sex can be used to inflict that kind of fear and damage, even when it isn't the crime of rape, it is not okay to use sex this way.
But you don't have to talk to Ray about it anymore. He might be a good friend, or a good boyfriend, or bad friend or a bad boyfriend. I can't tell that sort of thing from what you wrote here. What you need is to talk to a smart, separate, professional, to help guide you through the emotional battlefield you've been thrown into it.
Please, stand up demand for yourself the professional counseling you need. You deserve it and you need it. Even if you spend your whole life knowing it was not legally rape (and yes, what you experiened does not fit the defination of in law), the aftermath is going to be much as the same as though it was, and you are worth taking care of. Please, go get that care.
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The Question
when you go in for birth control pills?
I'm going in to get birth control pills tomorrow because I've been on my period for a month (i have really irregular periods)
I'm 18 and I've been depressed for about 4 years now, ever since my grandma passed away who was more like a mother to me.
In the past 4 years I've gained 50-70 pounds, my sophomore year I told the school that I was considering suicide and they called my mom...both of my parents thought I was being dramatic and just looking for attention. That all blew over within a week. Before this I was overdosing on cough syrup to get high with a friend since we didn't have any kind of connections to get any real drugs. I almost died because I took too much. My parents never found out about that. I got caught shoplifting when I was 16 during my junior year of high school. I didn't graduate. I was supposed to last may but didn't have enough credits because I skipped too much. Now im not doing my alternative school because I have no motivation to go
My parents really don't care at all. All of this has happened and they never once said anything to me, other than get mad and yell..then time passed and they never really cared. I'm so alone. I have no friends, no nothing. I'm just sad all the time.
Oh god. Okay, i know that was a lot of pointless info but i couldn't stop typing..
My main question is do i tell my nurse that im depressed tomorrow when i go in for the pills? or is it not her problem? I don't want to bring it up if there's nothing she can do or if that's not who i should talk to about it.
The Answer
Well, if you are still feeling depressed you should bring it up. She might have some advice or guidance for you.
But mainly you should bring it because hormonal birth control can have a negative affect on your mood, and if she knows that she might select a brand or dosage that is less likely to add to your problems.
Whenever you are talking to a health care proffesional you should bring up any long term problems you've got.
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The Question
whats a stud? i hear people people calling other kids studs...can someone please explain??
The Answer
Literally a 'stud' is a male animal used for breeding.
Most of the time, when it's used to describe people it's means they are attractive or really good with the opposite sex.
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The Question
I don't know why, I know I shouldn't feel like this. But why do I? I just got off of work, I just worked tax free weekend for about 8 hours today straight. Seeing my boyfriend's face makes me feel a lot better, when he dropped food off at my workplace, he just left since it was his friend's birthday. Then later, he told me that after he found out I was eating in the back, he wasn't going to join me anymore but now he was on his way home and stuff since he had a this morning and it didn't go away. I felt really bad, but he told me himself he was leaving right when he left me the food. Then, when I finally got done with work, I texted him that I was really tired and everything and I was on my way back to my house. I see him everyday, I was expecting to see him. But it turns out he was helping my sister move out of the house. I started feeling a bit disappointed, I start school tomorrow, I'm tired, and my coworkers got me really upset. I just wanted to see him. I feel like I was being selfish but I let him help out my sister. My sister texted me saying that his phone died and that he was with her, then she asked if that was a problem. I didn't feel the need to answer her because I know her, she's basically giving me the attitude. She always does that. If she respects me, I'll respect her. Just because she's older doesn't mean that she can disrespect me, and I still have to give her any respect. So I thought he would come back soon, so I took a nap since I was exhausted and I thought time would fly by that way. He didn't. I woke up every hour, and right now it's eleven at night. His car is still outside. My mom and my sister is still gone. Why do I feel like this? Am I being too selfish?
The Answer
You are only being too selfish if you actually think he did something wrong.
It was just bad luck is all. You had a particularly bad day that you couldn't have foreseen, and he had another obligation.
You are upset with your sister over things that have nothing at all to do with him, and stressed out about the week to come, which also has nothing to do with him, and that is probably making things worse for you emotionally.
Its okay to feel bad, but I don't think its okay to get angry with him or complain about his behaviour. He sounds like he is very respectful and very available for you almost all the time. So it wouldn’t be kind or respectful to him to judge him based on this one, unluckily arranged day. There is a big difference between saying "I'm sad 'cause things worked out differently then I was hoping" and saying "WAAAAA, why didn't you call me or cancel on her?! I needed you here! I feel so shitty!"
You are perfectly entitled to the first response, and to being sad or stressed out, but the second response would be selfish and unfair. It doesn't sound to me like he deserves any anger or judgement from you. You just had a bad day. When you see him next ask for a big cuddle and tell him you had the shitiest day ever and need some care.
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The Question
Ok so I just got into a relationship with this guy. He is really sweet and cute. Last night we were chatting over facebook and he told me he wants to go to the movies and finger me when we are there. I am 13 and i wanna know if i should? and if i do what should i know.. when he does is my cherry gonna pop? And is it gonna hurt? I think he only likes me to have sex with me but I am only 13 im not ready to have sex.. Ok well Please Help Me!
The Answer
Having sexual contact in a public place is a HUGE leap into the deep end. I wouldn't do it if I were you. You don't sound comfortable, and hell, even most adult women would not be keen on being fingered in public despite being fingered a million times in private.
If you want to be fingered by this guy, tell him it needs wait until it can happen at the comfortable, private place. If he can't arrange that, or wait for it, he's not a good guy to be having sexual contact with.
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The Question
My doctor says birth control is fully effective after a month. I've been on it for 2 weeks, how effective should it be right now? I usually use 2 methods for birth control (condoms and spermicide) because it makes me feel more comfortable. I just want to know when i can just use just one.
thanks.
The Answer
Realistically, you should always use two. Even if your second one is 'Knowing where and how to get Plan B if you are concerned your first one failed'.
You need to listen to your doctor. Your birth control simply isn't effective enough yet to trust it alone. Your doctor said a month (some doctors suggest three months, although my understanding is that that is really erroring on the side of caution and one month is sufficent for pretty much everyone).
Just take your doctors advice, consider continuing to use multiple methods and this is a great time (if you haven't already) to consider some worst case senarios with your partner. What if pregnancy DOES happen or even if you just have a month where you feel insecure with your birth control for some reason, maybe you missed it a few days, or your are taking antibiotics that could interfere with it... Do you go back to condoms for that time? Can you get PlanB? If abortion is an option for you, learn the rules in your state and look up the closest clinic.
While contraception and health is on your mind this month go the whole nine yards and get ALL information you can. Because you can never be truly 100% safe, that planning is part of being truly prepared and responsible for your sexual health.
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The Question
I'm not sure where to begin but am I the only one that feels this way .you see I'm tierd of people that get everything they want in life tey might have one job or better yet live off of welfear .and they have a life a brand new car new this new that and I work 2 jobs and drive a 15yr old truck a baisic apartment nothing extravagant just baisc stuff .I work my ass off for what I do have but I get sick too see people driving down the road in a brand new or fairly new ride having the time of there life no care in the world .I don't have time to enjoy anything because I'm too busy working to keep what I have .you can call it what you want prejidisum what ever but the truth is in black and white .I don't like people who have everything handed to them on a silver platter when I have to bust my ass everyday one day off a week the good times sucks for me anyways .don't have any can't afford it so to thoughs of you that read this and get offencive .OH WELL.
The Answer
Are you asking for advice?
Life isn't fair.
It never was.
Sometimes we make up stories, and pretend that people get what they deserve and the universe is fair and just. Those are just stories. In real life, we frequently slave away to earn something, but fall short. Other times we just get stupidly lucky.
Whats worse is we can never even really know another person at all. Those who look happy and satisfied might be, but they also might just be telling stories to you.
None of this is ever going to change, so you'll need to learn to deal with it, and chase some happiness in your life within the confines of the reality you live in. It's either that or just be miserable for the rest of your life. It doesn't really matter at all to anyone else what choose, but it's pretty obvious which one will lead to greater happiness and make you half way pleasant human being to be around...
There is nothing to be offended by in your question, but if you have more of these sorts of rants you should really just start a blog or keep a journal. Advicenators is best used to give and get advice. There is no advice to give you except to get used to it and to keep making the choices that get you closest to what you want.
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The Question
So. My ex boyfriend and I had dated for seven months. Then one morning, he broke up with me in a text message. He said he didn't want to be tied down anymore. He was sixteen at the time, I was fourteen at the time. He's sixteen now, I'm fifteen now. It's been three months since the break up. While we were dating things were pretty bad. He pressured me into a looot of stuff. Like fingering. He physically forced me to give him a hj. And he made me feel guilty for months until I finally gave him a blowjob. He dumped me four days after the bj. I was messed up while we were dating... I honestly don't know who that person was. I was totally whipped, and I don't know why I thought anything he did was okay... but I did. Since the split I've realized how bad it was, and I'm a lot stronger. Thing is, after we broke up things were still bad for about a month. He told everyone how far we'd been, saying "she put out. like we made out all the time, and she gave me head." he even spread a rumor that we had sex saying "when I was on top, I thought I was gonnna break her cause she's so tiny. But she let me do wahtever I wanted. I coulda stuck it up the ass if I felt like it." Just stupid, stupid stuff. One day he'd say he wanted me back, the next he'd tell me I was stupid bitch. It was horrible. We stopped talking for a month. Then he apologized. After a shitty relationship, two months of hell, he said he was done being a dick. Then we were okay... I guess. We've been trying out this whole friends thing for about a month. It's been pretty shaky. But now one of our mutual friends has told me that my ex has been talking shit to him. Saying he didn't wanna be around me because I am immature. IIIII am immature. ME. Excuse me??? Immature people do what he did when we were dating. Immature people break up in texts. Immature people break promises and spread stupid rumors. Mature people take all of that shit without ONCE acting back. No revenge. Ever. Mature people look past what's happen and decide to be the bigger person to make things okay. I'm immature??? I don't think so. I'm pissed. The mutual friend has a certain theory about my ex. He says that my ex broke up with me because he was scared of how intense his feelings were getting for me. He says he just says that stuff to cover up how bad he feels about what's happen. That told everyone how far we went/spread those rumors to cover up him hurting about the breakup. And that he says the immature stuff to cover up him wanting to be around me... but I don't think thats it!!! I don't know what to do. Should I bring it up with my ex?? I mean... if we're trying ot be freinds... I don't know. I just don't want to stir shit up... What should I do???
The Answer
Why are you trying to be friends with this bullying, name-calling, little prick?
Don't bring it up with him and don't be his friend. It doesn't matter why he does the nasty, mean things he does, and you'll never really know his reasons.
No matter what they are, they aren't good enough. He is not worthy of your friendship.
An important part of breaking up is learning you don't have to be friends just to prove you are the bigger person. It's okay to decide that someone is no longer worth your time and energy at all. This bullying, smack talking little boy is not worth the effort of trying to understand or build a friendship.
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The Question
How can i get a bigger dick?
The Answer
With expensive, risky and painful plastic surgery.
Nothing else works. All pills and pumps are scams and the surgery, although possible, is moronic.
Learn to love your dick and don't screw it up trying to make it something it isn't. It's not worth it.
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The Question
I am a 45 year old divorced female. I have recently been in a relationship with a wonderful unmarried forty year old man. We get along beautifully, the sex has been fantastic, and he is literally the nicest and most honest guy I have ever met. He tells me he feels the same and always wants me around no matter what we are doing. We even took a trip to Europe together and it was perfectly relaxed, comfortable, easy, and connected. I see literally no problems.
He has recently decided he cannot have sex with me anymore and we can only be friends because he feels guilty about the sex. We have never cheated on anyone, done anything really weird, lied to each other...He agrees that everything is perfect but then says, "If something wasn't wrong I wouldn't feel guilty." All of his friends, all of my friends, think he is crazy and he acknowledges no one else would agree with his decision but he stubbornly says it is the right thing. No sexual problems on his part.
I have asked him to tell me if it is anything else and he continues to say I am perfect, we are great together. He continues to want to spend all his time with me and says he does not want less. HE says he still wants me and is not sleeping with anyone else.
I think the issue is that he has only had meaningless relationships in the past (he will say he purposely never dated anyone he cared about before me because he was busy raising a child alone after a condom mishap when he was 19). He has had a rough life which he has totally overcome and I haven't and he will tell me I am just too good for him and he "doesn't deserve me." In other areas his self-esteem seems intact.
He is very stubborn so what do I do about this? I do not really believe in "the one" and know I can move on but why would I want to? This is just the nicest relationship I have ever seen. Anyone who has seen us together thinks he is crazy. I don't want to give up but know I have no real power...
The Answer
Is a sexless life something you are willing to consider?
'Cause that is what he is asking you to sign up for.
Have you considered relationship counseling?
If either, or both of you, are hoping that this will be a long term relationship AND you aren't willing to let him sexually withhold and bully you in this way (and oh yes! Whatever else he might feel about it, guilty or ashamed or unworthy, it is also a control tactic) then he MUST change or you MUST walk away.
Unfortunately, there is no real compromise on this issue. (Unless you are interested in staying with him, and having your sexual needs met elsewhere...)
Relationship counseling might help you two to hear each others long term goals and for him to get to the bottom of the problem.
You DO have power in this situation. It's just not the kind of power that is any fun to have. Your power comes from deciding and then telling him what you want and don't want from life. I think most sane people would say this current situation CANNOT continue in the long term in this way. A complete lack of sexual intimacy doesn't not a sustainable relationship make.
If it were me, at some point, he will either have to change his mind or get dumped.
If that is the truth for you, you need to speak up clearly. Suggest counseling as a way to explore and negotiate through those two seemingly irreconcilable differences and perhaps even a way for him to discover what has pushed him to this maddeningly irrational and inconsistent behavoir. The relationship might still end, but at least you'll both know you gave it your best shot.
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The Question
Hi.
I live with my boyfriend, and his mom. His sister had her son about a year ago, and we have a problem. He is all in all a good, healthy little boy who loves to have fun, but he also loves being picked up. If you hold him, and you try to put him down, he cries. If you put him in his play pen and leave him there, he screams at the top of his lungs.
It's been becoming a problem because he's almost 1 (he'll be 1 in like, a week) and he's bigger than most babies his age, and he's a lot heavier than them. It's difficult to carry him for long periods of time, and since my boyfriend's mom watches him while his mom is at work, she's become very exhausted. I would help out, but my boyfriend and I work a lot so we're not always home, and by time we do get home, we're worn out.
How can we wean the baby off of wanting to be carried? I love him, and hate seeing him cry, as does everyone else, but he's becoming too spoiled and too dependent on it and we're all very exhausted. I know we're very much at fault, but we're at our wits end. Any ideas?
Thank you!
The Answer
My advice is going to be a bit different, because it sounds like I grew up a home much like yours with a ton of adults in it, and I know it was really, really tough to wean my youngest sister off of being held because there was always someone around who wanted to give in to her crying.
To help her, and us, put her down and make sure none of them many of us gave in to her, we actually set short 'No carry' time periods. Generally these were just before meal time, or just after nap time, so she got a feel for the schedule (and so the adults could keep track of them).
It helped us as act as a loving team, made things less confusing for her and taught her not to run to someone else when she didn't get her way with one of us. So, if you are having trouble organizing the adults to wean her off being carried, I'd totally recommend it.
It was also really useful as she got older, if I was really busy or Mom's hands were full we could say "Sorry Nancy, this has to be a no carry time right now." and she was familiar with that and accepted it better than she would a simple "No."
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The Question
difference between nihilism & existentialism in your own words?
i don't really get existentialism now that i think about it. nihilism is believing that life is meaningless.. so does existentialism mean that life has meaning but you have to find your own meaning?
then what is existential nihilism?
The Answer
Existentialism is a really broad term that includes lots of different philosophies and thinkers from the last hundred years. Not everyone agrees perfectly, so it's tough to sum it up quickly...
Basically, all existential philosophy is about how human beings exist within the world and our own subjective experience of that world. It's a view that puts each individual, their free will, emotions and reason, at the centre and leaves it to each person to determine the meaning and purpose of their existence, rather than allowing a government, religion or other social forces like class or economics to determine who and what they are.
Existentialism will sound very familiar to pretty much everyone living today, because it’s really what a lot of our modern society, with larger personal freedoms and respect for individuality and judgement, is based on. It’s a reaction against kings and governments and religions that tried to tell people exactly what they were in the world, like “These people are slaves” and “These ones are soldiers” and “Only this kind of person can be a doctor” and “Only this kind of person can be a politician.” Existentialism stepped up and said “No. Within reason, people can choose the experience of life they want, and are responsible for those choices.”
Nilhism is also a broad philosophical term that means rejecting meaning, or believing something that most people accept is meaningless or doesn’t exist. For example: Moral nihilists believe that morality doesn’t actually exist objectively, and that nothing is really right or wrong, and human beings just make up morals to help their society function or to control people.
Existential Nilhism is the philosophical belief that our existence is pointless, and that life has no meaning or value. We are just little specks of dust that really have no impact on the universe at all and then we die and are gone. Some people can be existential nihilists and still think life has some value, but only if the person makes it up themselves, because there is nothing outside of our own experience to give life any purpose.
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The Question
I recently got a cough and I open my window when i sleep because i fear breathing in toxic mold. tonight i opened the window and there is mold on the inside like a beige color with olive green. i never realized this, but is this how i developed my cough?! I have a Quietflo hunter air purifier in my room and it states that it clears mold and allergins from bedrooms. I am insanely scared that i won't wake up or drop dead randomly like brittany murphy because of gay mold. i told my parents that i also have a cough and that i think there is mold on our basement steps and they yelled at me. They do absolutely anything to not have an inspection. what can i do to keep myself safe? anyone have advice? do you think this mold is poisonous?
The Answer
You need to see your family doctor or a therapist to talk about your growing paranoia.
It is very unlikely that the mold is dangerous. It's damn near impossible that it is going to kill you. I would place my entire life savings on it being more likely you'll be squashed by a grand piano tomorrow then you'll die of mold related illnesses in the next two years.
What absolutely IS going to happen is that you are going to make yourself ill with obsessive worrying. You need to speak to a doctor or a therapist about your stress and fears. They are out of control.
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The Question
I know most people might say no, men shouldn't hit a woman back. But I think that if a woman thinks shes big enough to hit a man she should be hit back. I think that a man should only hit a woman in self defense. There are women out there that hit men when they get mad over something stupid and expect not to get hit back and sometimes they try to fight the man, while they expect him to do nothing but walk away. Im a woman and I think that if a woman hits a man she should be hit back. Just like if a man hits a woman for no reason she should hit him back. Im not saying that a woman should be beaten by a man though. Ive seen women hit men, bite scratch,threaten with a knife and chunk stuff at them. The man is supposed to sit there and take that? Most women arent as weak as people think they are.
Just wondering to see people's opinions...
If a man doesnt hit a woman back after she hits him, the next time they argue, she will try to fight and hit him, some women are vicious catty fighters..Im not saying she she get beaten
If a woman doesnt want to get hit by a man like Mike tyson, then she shouldnt hit him because shes mad, or over something stupid.
I'm a woman lol, just asking.
My cousin used to hit her ex. and he would never hit her back. the one time he did though, she never hit him again after that. Shes Grown up since then. If I was a man, I would treat her the same way as I would treat a man who comes up to me and hits me, I do not practice gender discrimination. but the point is everyone deserves to learn that lesson if theyre askin for it. Im not saying men should beat women, Im just saying she should get hit back.everyone who believes in genuine equality and responsibility should agree..
Men: if she comes up to you and hits you multiple times are you going to hit her back? cause that would be self-defense right? for someone strong like her
Women: Do you think if that woman attacked a man he has the right to hit her back?
The Answer
I think you are over thinking this. It's easy to figure out without using any gender pronouns at all.
I don't think people should hit each other at all.
However, if someone does hit another person, that person should respond in the way that is most likely the end the physical violence in a quickest and most painless way for everyone. That might mean running away, calling the cops, and in very rare cases, striking back.
People, men and women, who are particularly large or strong, have the added responsibility of knowing their own strength and ability, to measure their response when struck.
If a smaller, weaker person attacks a larger, stronger person, the larger stronger person has a responsibility to use good judgment to decide how to respond, that should almost never involve hitting back, and even when it does, it should be a measured and controlled response, not a 'lets get even 'cause you deserve to be hit' response.
Just because the smaller person did a stupid, wrong thing, doesn't mean the larger person is allowed to do a stupid, wrong thing too.
Even if the two people are the exact same size and strength, this is still true. But it's the difference in strength between most men, and most women, that makes our culture tend to hold men to such high standards. It's NOT perfectly fair at all, but it comes from the right sort of thinking.
No one deserves to be struck. Not the first person, not the second person. Sometimes it's necessary to defend yourself or others, but somethings can be necessary without ever being completely 'right'.
Some people will always be stupid. The women you describe who deliberately physically attack men assuming them wont respond are stupid. You don't deserve to get beaten for being stupid. The men they strike still have a responsibility to respond in the best, safest way possible, and although that will sometimes require hitting back, it rarely will, and they are still morally obligated to avoid it (just like a woman would be, in their position).
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The Question
I'm a dance teacher. There are three of us that teach at the studio. Two of us do not yet have our dance degrees and the other does, so she holds all the power. We have all become very good friends working together over the last six years and we very often socialize outside of dance. We also all work at the same restuarant during the summer and holidays when we don't have as many dance classes.
I feel indebted to our studio owner because I've always wanted to teach dance and she gave me that opportunity. Over the past four years she has been splitting her time between her boyfriend in Florida and the studio in Virgina. She has let the business slip and the teachers have taken on a lot of the business aspects that she should be taking care of without much appreciation from the owner.
The teacher with the dance degree has decided to open her own studio and wants me and the other teacher to go with her beginning next year. The owner decided to move to florida full-time without this knowledge. Since the move last month she has decided to ask us to sign a non-compete contract for two years past the ending date of the contract (May 2011). I understand her concern now that she's away but that's exactly the problem...she's away.
I feel guilty for not telling her what's going on and just letting her move to Florida without "warning" her of what's going on but it's not my place to tell her. I can't sign the contract because then I will not be able to work at the new studio. We are sure that over 90% of the students will follow us to the new studio but I will be making less money because she will be hiring an extra teacher. If I do sign the contract I'll be making far less money because the enrollment at the current studio will be almost non-existant. I feel like the other teacher is asking too much of me to not tell the owner and just expect me to go with her but that's what I have to do if I want to make any money (which I of course need to do to sustain food, clothing and shleter). I am feeling incredibly guitly and the owner is starting to ask questions about why we haven't signed the contacts yet. Help! What should I do. I'm stressing over this far too much. It's consuming my every thought and I have to talk to the owner soon. What do I say?
Thanks for your help!
The Answer
Your gut is bang on: It is the other teacher who is demanding too much of you to keep this from the current owner.
However, that doesn't mean you should to sign a do-not-compete. That is also a rather extreme request.
Of course, you are still in a hard place, and I don't think any advice would be perfect, but here is what I'd try to do in your position.
First, I'd tell the other instructor that you've been loyal to her this far, but that her refusal to tell the owner what is going on is now putting you in the middle in an uncomfortable (and unfair) position.
This might not change her behavior, but at least you will have stood up for the truth: The truth is she has put you in a tight spot, and it's not kind of her.
Give this other dance teacher as much time as you can manage, and hope she fesses up.
If she doesn't - tell your boss in Florida as much truth as you are able too: That you do not feel secure enough in your current job to sign a do not compete clause. Also let her know how grateful you are for the chance to teach, but that with her moving away and all of those changes at the studio, you think it would be dangerous to your fledgling career to lock yourself to a studio that ONE, does not provide you with full time work all year round and TWO, might undergo even more changes in the next year. Tell her you are happy to fulfill the rest of your contract as it was originally written and think about a do not compete clause next time your contract comes up.
I know it doesn't help much, but this is 'just business' and in 'just business' you need to look out for number one. Signing a do not compete clause with a business were the money you make could easily change as could here, and whose owner just moved out of state is not a good move for a young teacher, especially when that work isn't full time to begin with.
I'm sorry I don't have a fool-proof plan for you. There are lots of ways this could still blow up in your face and end badly. All I've suggested here is how I think you can behave ethically and properly, without risking your own neck too much.
Good Luck.
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The Question
Is it okay for a guy to finger a girl while she has a yeast infection? Has anyone done this? Would the guy know the girl had the yeast infection??
Anything you can tell me about this will help! :)
The Answer
Most guys wont be able to notice a yeast infection in their partner.
However, it's best to be completely honest with your partner about your sexual health. It is possible for people to catch yeast infections, mostly in the mouth. Although fingering isn't risky with a yeast infection, it certainly could be uncomfortable.
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The Question
two days ago my long distance girlfriend said she didn't want t really continue with our ongoing relationship. We have been in a logn distance relationship for about 2 years. I was pretty hurt when she said it , and it was partly my fault but i felt really guilty and hurt that i wasn't able to do anything. Its been 2 days since we haven't communicated and i have been extremly depressed and don't get sleep at night.
Just a few minutes back she texts me saying 'Goodnight' . Should i reply back to her? i really don;t want to and i really don't want to work on the relationship because i put a lot in it initially but in the end when i wasn't getting anything returned i took it lightly. I really don't want to get back but i really love this girl. and i feel if i reply , one thing would lead to another and cause us to come back together. I am not being a jerk but i don't want to get hurt again , because of the mistake i made. Should i reply back to her? ...
The Answer
If you don't want too, don't.
You know that the only reason you are tempted to respond is to hopefully get back together. You also know that probably isn't the best thing for either of you and of course you'll get hurt again - two years is far too long for even most independent adults to maintain a long distance relationship. It's almost a guarantee to be an unhealthy arrangement.
As upset as you are, and as upset as you'll probably be for quite a while, there is also probably a small piece of you that recognizes this is for the best.
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The Question
whenever my boyfriend goes in me, it kinda burns and hurts. If he pulls out, theres no problem. Why does him coming in me hurt? It especially hurts if he does it a few times in a row.
The Answer
Both of you need to see a doctor. (Or at very least start using condoms again).
The two most likely explanations are that one of you have an infection (not necessarily an STI, other spontaneous infections or imbalances could cause the problem) or that you have a mild allergy to sperm. Either way, you both need to get checked out and discover which one it is.
In the meantime, feel free to insist on condoms being used. Sex shouldn't cause that kind of pain and discomfort, and you are likely to grow to resent him and dislike sex if you don't find a way to control the pain.
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The Question
me=15 boy=16 friend=15
My best friend was talking to me and suddenly she told me about my ex boyfriend texted her and they met while they were in the same store. My friend had thought he just wanted to say hi and ask how summer was going but instead he kissed her, grabbed her butt, grabbed her chest then licked it. She told him to stop after the kissing but instead he went on to finger her. she pulled his hand away and said stop but he just smiled and asked if she liked it. She said yes so he would go away. I told her she could file sexual assault, is this true? She told me not to tell anyone but I immediately felt like telling his strict mother who I am friends with. What do I do? I broke up with him while we were together because after 6 months I got bad vibes. How do I protect my friend from this creep? Thanks in advance!
The Answer
Yes, what you described is sexual assault. There is no question at all about it.
That is dangerously close to rape (in some states, penetration with his fingers will count as rape.)
One of you needs to tell an adult. It would be better to tell someone who could support her, her parents or a teacher she is close too, rather than his mother. Telling his mother could start all sorts of drama that you and she aren't prepared for (and shouldn't have to deal with! You are teens!) The first thing to do, is to get her the support of loving adults.
Talk to your friend. It's best if she can realize it's not her fault and to feel safer by telling an adult, and she needs to speak to an adult who can her work through this. A good friend is priceless, but she needs a bit more than that to handle the fallout of that kind of assault.
Hopefully, he can be confronted by adults who can get this behavoir corrected before he assaults anyone else. However, even if that doesn't happen, she needs adult help and protection.
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The Question
After 12 years, I finally want to tell my doctor that I'm depressed and that I REALLY need some help.
BUT, I don't want to play the blame game here, But here are I few things that ran across my mind:
SHouldn't he have had a BIT of a hint? I mean, I see him like 6 times a year! But maybe that's not enough? Maybe it's MY responsibility to let him know. But is it my fault that I can't because he makes me wait in the sitting room for 2 hours (and I'm angry by that time) and then when I'm in there he tries to let me out in 1 minute and doens't ask me anything?
What do you think? And I live in Canada so I don't think I can "go see a different doctor" because there's some very complicated stuff going on like I'm not allowed to see other doctors if I already have one (or maybe it's something THEY made up! Well, probably nto because if I see another doctor, my doctor gets some of his pay docked off by the government. But that's his fault because he isn't doing his job thoroughly, which is why some patients MIGHT be seeing other doctors).
The Answer
I live in Canada as well and have had mental health issues. You can see any doctor who is able to make an appointment for you. Some doctors might not have space (not taking new patients) and some might not feel comfortable or be allowed to suggest or prescribe certain treatments unless they are your family doctor. But that isn't an evil conspiracy, it is only to make sure you have a responsible, long-term medical care if that's what the treatment you need requires. If you have complicated health care issues you don't want two people giving you conflicting treatments or medications. Doctors don't want that to happen either.
If you have a family doctor, all you need to do is go in and ask for a referral to a mental health professional. They will probably ask you to describe your symptoms and desires, so they can suggest the right kind of mental health professional for what you are experiencing.
You can also see many mental health professionals WITHOUT a referral from your family doctor, it's just a little more hit or miss if your insurance will cover it without a doctor's referral.
If you are a lucid, sane adult, it's your job to ask questions and bring up your concerns with a doctor, not for your doctor's job to pry at you. It only works when you are forthcoming and make your concerns clearly known.
His pay isn't really docked either if you see someone else. As long as your appointments don't go unfilled he'll still be paid, and they probably will be filed. People are clamoring to see family doctors. But if you want to see someone else all you need to do is talk to the secretary about getting your medical records and start shopping for another family doctor who is taking new patients.
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