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It's technically not rape....
19/f
So I've been broken up with my boyfriend, we'll call him Ray, for awhile now, but we both still want to be together. We decided to "post-pone" our relationship until one of us had a way to see the other (we live a good 20 to 30 minutes apart).
I was hanging out with friends on friday night and met this guy, and we both were attracted to eachother. Then the next night (saturday night) we ended up hanging out with him again. This time he made it very clear he was into me. I told myself I'd probably end up making out with him, but that'd be it. For some reason, all I could think of was Ray. So I had no intent desire to do anything with this guy. We were drinking, so of course I kinda start flirting back right about now. We start kissing, and I could immediately tell he was aggressive. He tried to shove his hand towards my crotch and I pulled it away. Then he said "Let's go back in the hallway". And here's where I feel like it's my fault. I put myself in the situation that happens next, and I know I could've prevented it.
I honestly DID NOT want to, but I started giving him oral and I wanted it to be over. I guess he got so turned on by then that he pushed me down and started yanking my pants off. This may sound so timid, but I was scared to say no. He was being so aggressive that I just went with it because I'd rather not know what would've happpened if I said no and he didn't stop. He was too rough and it hurt. I actually cried, I don't think he ever noticed, but all I could think about was Ray and how much I wanted to push him off of me and leave. I've been having a debate with myself about whether or not I was in love with Ray or not, and at that very moment I realized I did. I only wanted him.
After the guy left I cried for about 2 hours after everyone went to sleep. I felt like a slut, whore, etc. I felt dirty, and nasty. Like no matter how much I cleaned myself I'd still feel gross.
I tried to tell Ray about it, and how I thought of him. He said "If what you're telling me is the total truth, then that's called rape dummy". But it's not, right? I never actually fought back; the guy probably didn't think anything of it.
And then on top of all that, look at how the guy I'm "in-love" with reacted to the whole thing. I sent him two more texts, and he just ignored me. I even told him when we broke up that since we're not really together that if he wanted to do something with another girl he could do it, but I didn't want to know about it. So is he mad that I was with another guy, even though I didn't want it? Should I not want to be with someone who said that to me after something like that? I mean, "technically" it wasn't rape, but I am somewhat emotionally scarred from it. Not wanting sex that you're recieving is the most indescribable, horrible feeling a person can have. I don't even want to know what it's like for people who actually DO fight back.
I guess what I'm asking is, do I have a right to be weird about what happened and should I still want to talk to Ray after how he reacted to it?
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The definition of rape is forced, unwanted sexual intercourse. If you are unable to consent (underage, drunk or drugged)then it's rape.
Legally it would be difficult if not impossible to press charges because he may have not have known you didn't want sex. From what you described you were not clear about your feelings or wants with him. From what you describe you weren't incapacitated enough for the legal system to act.
That doesn't change the frightening and traumatizing experience you went through. It doesn't change that you still need care, comfort, and a way to heal. It doesn't need to be labeled "technically" not rape. It was unwanted sex. It was emotionally scarring sex. Isn't that all that all that needs to be said?
What happened shouldn't of. Sex shouldn't hurt. It shouldn't be emotionally scarring. It should feel good even if it is rough. It should be consensual. Your partner should notice that if you are crying during sex. They should make sure you are ok if you are crying. They should be aware if you are in pain. They should be concerned with your feelings and your pleasure.Don't blame yourself. There is nothing that justifies having being treated like this.
Go to the doctor. Get a check up. Even had this not happened you need to get checked for stds regularly.
Deal with the feelings. Traumatic past experiences can effect your future experiences. Talk to someone. Either a therapist, group, or hotline
Rain has been giving free online and phone support for years.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
"Ray" may not fully believe you or at least thinks you may be leaving things out. This is not unusual. People don't want to believe that horrible things happen. They like reasons. They like to feel they can protect the people they care about. They are comforted in the idea that a cause = a certain reaction. It's difficult to hear that someone have a romantic interest in has had sex with someone else. When that sex is traumatic, forced or hurts the person you care about it brings a level of intensity that is uncomfortable.
Ray's reaction at best is immature. He is trying to figure out if he can trust your version of events. If he does what can he do about it. That is no reason to call you "dummy". It's disrespectful and insulting.
Yes you have a right to feel "weird" and yes you can talk to Ray. Let him know that whether or not he believes what you told him, you needed (and need) his support and care. Don't do it to get Ray back (that is his decision) Do it because it is time to speak up. He should be clear about why you told him. Knowing what you need gives him a option of how to deal with the situation. It helps you take a step towards a stronger you. It helps the healing. In the end his reaction matters less than your bravery in dealing with your feelings and needs. Care for yourself by speaking up about how you feel. Start being clear about what is acceptable and not to you. Then take action and get help.
Keep making progress but don't be impatient. Take it slowly. Healing takes time.
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I do not for one second condone prosecution. You did not recount rape. There must at some point be either a lack of consent or a lack of ability to give consent. You were both drunk, technically neither of you could consent. But you did not say at any point that you expressed "I do not want to have sex" or "no".
One of life's harsh little truths. People do dumb shit when they're fucked up. Alcohol and sex have been a dangerous mixture for centuries.
If you're having a hard time with it, I'd talk to a counselor. Focus on realizing that you are capable of drinking yourself into bad situations and recognizing the points in your life when you do in fact need to assert yourself.
The fucked up thing. This guy could have been completely oblivious. He could be into you and wondering if early sex fucked it all up. He could be sitting at home thinking he did stupid shit while he was drunk as well.
He might have been willing to keep going past protests. He might not have stopped.
I don't know, and it sounds like neither do you. I think it would be immoral and irresponsible to press criminal charges when you clearly remember a turnback point when it occurred to you that night and when you did not ever actually express "no".
If you need to seek therapy for the experience, do so. There's nothing wrong or abnormal about being upset because of an unwanted sexual experience. But you didn't describe a guy taking advantage of you, you described two people who were too intoxicated to make adult decisions. There's nothing wrong with being upset about it, but I don't think you should pursue any kind of personal justice for it. In a week, it'll be less painful. In six months, it'll be something stupid you did in the past. In ten years it'll barely be a memory. If nothing else works, wait it out.
On the talking to him subject, I doubt it will help. I have no opinion about whatever third party exists, but I don't think you'll get much closure out of talking to the guy this happened with.
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Just because you didn't struggle doesn't mean you weren't raped. Being forced to do something sexual that you don't want to do is rape. Period.
You need to report this to the authorities, or someone you trust.
Forget about Ray. Your health is what's important right now.
The website below will help you figure out what you need to do now that you've been raped:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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I'm very tempted to agree with Ray, but you are right, what happened is not a crime.
However, it also wasn't your fault.
You could have made some better choices, but you don't deserve to be forced to have sex with a guy just because you made the choice to hang out with him. It's the same way you don't deserve to be forced to have sex with someone just because you wore make up or a short skirt. Sure, you could have said no, and because you didn't it might not a rape in the legal sense. It doesn't mean 'rape' won’t be how you experience this event.
In the law, vocalizing non consent is frequently required, and that's important when establishing guilt under the law, and it should be! So this is not rape under the law and he may or may not be guilty. We'll never know. But it doesn't mean your experience wasn't consistent with a woman who did say no. Emotionally, it is completely possible you are going through something very, very similar, possibly with just the added guilt of not having expressed yourself as clearly as you think you should have.
Rape isn't entirely about NOT having a choice, and the crime of rape can still happen without a woman saying 'no'. Some rapists give their victim the choice between rape and punching all their teeth out or loosing their job, for instance. Although that isn't what happened to you, you are fair to realize that part of rape is the creation of an environment where the victim feels that they don't have a choice, which is why there are gray zones and it's important to recognize the difference between criminal rape, and experience which will be emotionally consistent with rape.
For that reason, I think you should ask to speak to a counsellor or therapist who has experience helping rape victims, right away, just as you would if you were the victim of criminal rape. You are clearly going through the emotional pain and anxiety of a rape victim. You need and deserve that support.
Ray is a smart guy and it's understandable he felt this way. He's a smart guy who believes he would never be confused about a girl crying while he was having sex with her. He wants to think he would also double-check that his partner was keen and willing, and be attentive to the kind of pain and shame you were obviously feeling at the time.
You have a right to expect all men to be as smart as Ray and to want to make those choices. Not off them will be, but I don't think it's unfair to think they ought to be. Where you put your gentiles on someone else is something you don't really get much allowances to make mistakes about. The same way you don't really get a lot of allowances on where you point a loaded gun or a knife. Sex can be used to inflict that kind of fear and damage, even when it isn't the crime of rape, it is not okay to use sex this way.
But you don't have to talk to Ray about it anymore. He might be a good friend, or a good boyfriend, or bad friend or a bad boyfriend. I can't tell that sort of thing from what you wrote here. What you need is to talk to a smart, separate, professional, to help guide you through the emotional battlefield you've been thrown into it.
Please, stand up demand for yourself the professional counseling you need. You deserve it and you need it. Even if you spend your whole life knowing it was not legally rape (and yes, what you experiened does not fit the defination of in law), the aftermath is going to be much as the same as though it was, and you are worth taking care of. Please, go get that care.
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