|
partner's guilt
I am a 45 year old divorced female. I have recently been in a relationship with a wonderful unmarried forty year old man. We get along beautifully, the sex has been fantastic, and he is literally the nicest and most honest guy I have ever met. He tells me he feels the same and always wants me around no matter what we are doing. We even took a trip to Europe together and it was perfectly relaxed, comfortable, easy, and connected. I see literally no problems.
He has recently decided he cannot have sex with me anymore and we can only be friends because he feels guilty about the sex. We have never cheated on anyone, done anything really weird, lied to each other...He agrees that everything is perfect but then says, "If something wasn't wrong I wouldn't feel guilty." All of his friends, all of my friends, think he is crazy and he acknowledges no one else would agree with his decision but he stubbornly says it is the right thing. No sexual problems on his part.
I have asked him to tell me if it is anything else and he continues to say I am perfect, we are great together. He continues to want to spend all his time with me and says he does not want less. HE says he still wants me and is not sleeping with anyone else.
I think the issue is that he has only had meaningless relationships in the past (he will say he purposely never dated anyone he cared about before me because he was busy raising a child alone after a condom mishap when he was 19). He has had a rough life which he has totally overcome and I haven't and he will tell me I am just too good for him and he "doesn't deserve me." In other areas his self-esteem seems intact.
He is very stubborn so what do I do about this? I do not really believe in "the one" and know I can move on but why would I want to? This is just the nicest relationship I have ever seen. Anyone who has seen us together thinks he is crazy. I don't want to give up but know I have no real power...
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Is a sexless life something you are willing to consider?
'Cause that is what he is asking you to sign up for.
Have you considered relationship counseling?
If either, or both of you, are hoping that this will be a long term relationship AND you aren't willing to let him sexually withhold and bully you in this way (and oh yes! Whatever else he might feel about it, guilty or ashamed or unworthy, it is also a control tactic) then he MUST change or you MUST walk away.
Unfortunately, there is no real compromise on this issue. (Unless you are interested in staying with him, and having your sexual needs met elsewhere...)
Relationship counseling might help you two to hear each others long term goals and for him to get to the bottom of the problem.
You DO have power in this situation. It's just not the kind of power that is any fun to have. Your power comes from deciding and then telling him what you want and don't want from life. I think most sane people would say this current situation CANNOT continue in the long term in this way. A complete lack of sexual intimacy doesn't not a sustainable relationship make.
If it were me, at some point, he will either have to change his mind or get dumped.
If that is the truth for you, you need to speak up clearly. Suggest counseling as a way to explore and negotiate through those two seemingly irreconcilable differences and perhaps even a way for him to discover what has pushed him to this maddeningly irrational and inconsistent behavoir. The relationship might still end, but at least you'll both know you gave it your best shot.
]
More Questions: |