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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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Hi there, I need help to understand my parent's psychology in a non-biased way, thus writing my problem here. Being a single child was not an issue for me and my parents while growing up. They provided me with every possible things they could afford. They taught me to dream big, to have a career and to have a mind of my own. They used to be rational in every ways. But after my marriage and my coming to abroad to live with my husband changed everything back home. My parents got so insecure that they gave me constant worries and stresses about things back home which are not anymore under my controls. They started guilt tripping me in innocuous ways for getting married and going far away from them. Whenever they see a neighbor kid or my cousins to stay with or near their parents and helping their parents both being physically and financially present, they start to regret their decision of sending me away for my higher education and my marrying and coming abroad. Though I did not get married without their blessings and against their wish but now they pretend like I am a selfish kid for not being present by them in their old age (mom is 56 and dad is 64). Even if I want to go back to them, my hometown is in a very remote place where I can't find any suitable job. They know there's nothing for me. I got myself enrolled in a PhD program in Europe but now my dad doesn't happily want me to pursue it and they actually want me to go back to my country and find a government job there, which is not that easy (but they seem to not understand the fact that government jobs in India are very competitive nowadays and very difficult to get) and also I am not interested in Govt jobs whatsoever. But as my dad was an ex govt employee that too in a high rank post, they want me to choose that career path and stay near them. I feel so demotivated and selfish for not abide by their wishes and leaving them alone. But I can't see myself as a govt officer either in my future. I want to be a researcher and pursue science. But with constant pulling down I can't concentrate in my research with my heart and soul. I always keep wondering if I am making any mistake by opting to a PhD and not trying to be a govt officer as my parents want and if I am being selfish to leave them alone to pursue my dream. Although, my husband supports my dream and he is even ready to sacrifice 3-4years of our lives to long distance so that I can finish my PhD. Also, he can't go back to my hometown as there's nothing for him as well. But he is trying to go back to India and I also plan to find a job there after my PhD. But my parents are growing impatient and feeling insecure so they are not actively encouraging me on my career decision out of their worries. Kindly suggest what should I do while considering the fact that I come from an Indian traditional middle-class family where staying close to your parents and helping them in their old age to get by are the norms. Thank you.

I don't see that there is any compromise that can be made, no meeting of wishes in the middle so that you and the parents get just part of what they wished. This is the same as a young wife wanting children and husband doesn't want any. There is no compromise because you either are pregnant or not, there is no half way pregnant or half a child. Your parents are counting on tradition to get themselves taken care of as they age. However they really were not planning well in having one child and expecting that one child to carry the entire burden of their care. What if you had died somehow in the past. I know the odds of that are probably low, but with only one child born, they would then have no other children to take care of them. Perhaps they felt they could not afford more children. I am not familiar with India and the cost of living or traditions. But if the economy is bad so that a person must choose being tight on money while raising children and having plenty of children to take care of them later to choosing one or no children, saving up and having a comfortable old age, then that is the only choice. They made theirs. One child. They gave as much as they good into the raising of you. But I know here that children do not owe their parents anything. They did not ask to be born. Thats like deciding on adopting a pet, only to expect it when older to clean up after itself, bring home dinner, and so on. When some people get older, reasoning leaves them around the same time their short term memory gives them trouble. They have difficulty seeing the whole picture. They may be thinking all day about how to survive during old age, but they are not coming up with multiple plans that could work. They have chosen in their minds, only the answer they are stuck on, one that is not good for you. I am guessing you are working your way through school. Either way, the commitment was made, so you must continue. You have explained the lack of jobs and the hardship of getting into government jobs. So you have no choice but to get your degree. If you can't find work after graduating, in your home area, you may have to move for a job, across country, to maybe another country. That would be something you and the husband decide. You are an adult, and younger so able to think clearly. I had a situation I had to make, leaving and divorcing my husband and heard others saying it was selfish...the part you are stuck on. I had a friend tell me that it is not a selfish thing to tend to your own needs first, so that you can be a happy, whole, unstressed person, perfectly able to help other people. There is now a popular ad by airlines telling parents that if the oxygen masks come down and you need to put them on, to put theirs on first before helping to put them on their children. Without giving much thought to it, I can understand some people reacting with how selfish it is to take care of yourself first. However, if in getting the kids masks on first but you are getting groggy, foggy headed and having difficulty putting yours on, you are likely to pass out due to lack of oxygen. And there sit your kids screaming and panicking because you have passed out and they don't know how to help you. This one instruction from Airlines, shows that it is not a selfish act for parents to put their mask on first before doing the ones for their children. So now your parents are trying to play the guilt game with you, probably because they see in you plenty of determination to make something of yourself, with college, deciding to marry. And that scares them that they are losing you and what they had hoped would be their retirement care. That is a lot of expectation put on the shoulders of one child. They never thought ahead to what if they lost you, car accidents can happen, or getting a major illness that eventually takes your life. What was plan B for them, or plan C? They got stuck on their one plan, plan A. It is not selfish to take care of following your plans first so that it is easier for you to help them later. They are selfish to expect help from you right this moment. You have to concentrate on schooling, get your degree, then find a job, before you and your husband can even form a plan as to how to take care of them. Will you two also be taking care of his parents?; Thats like a young couple instantly having 4 adult children to take care of. Maybe its a necessity in India. Though we have the poor here too, children are not expected to fully support their parents. And there are plenty of poor people here too, though I am sure the news would not dream of showing the growing numbers of homeless people living out of tents or worse. There are now people who live out of their vehicles as its all they can afford. That would be me. I am a year younger than your Dad, just started collecting unemployment checks from government. But what I get monthly will not ever pay for the cost of renting somewhere. My entire pay will only cover a part of rent with no money left for other bills, gas, cell phone, food, clothing and much more. I am not expecting my children to help me out when they are in just as bad shape financially. If one child excells in new job and earns more than my ex and I earned together while raising the kids, then if I have unexpected needs like car repair and saved money is not enough, I would probably ask for their help with such a bill, not with daily care, like a place to live, food to eat, clothes on my back, the same things they were expected to give you as a child. I hope you can go on, knowing it is not selfish. Even going to school abroad is a good way to broaden what you know about another country, customs elsewhere. I do not know about colleges in India, but I would suppose that studying for certain degrees, there may be a better program elsewhere than a community college so you can be closer to parents in location and getting a low pay job and struggling to support yourself and husband, while also supporting parents on a lesser paying job where the money runs out before the end of the month and you all go hungry, they can't get their medication, maybe you all become homeless. So at some point, you'll have to have the conversation, letting them know you do plan to take care of them and that you are working for a degree so that you can help care for them. If they want you to give up your plans right now and if you decided to listen to them, they can not expect a comfortable life in their old age if you don't have enough money to care for them unless you work 3 jobs and have no time to sleep or eat and eventually fall ill, and die. Who will care for them then? This is what someone needs to tell them to wake them up a bit and realize that asking you to cancel your plans is like agreeing to be poor and maybe worse off than poor. Is that the kind of older years they imagined? No matter how they may try to argue, you simply say, "Well, all I can say is that I must respectfully disagree with you, even though you are my parents. " If there is no written Laws and rules on children must care for older parents, in India, then you are not legally bond to do it. If you help at all, it will be out of the goodness of your heart and the wanting to follow the age old customs. I am sure you will see others your age, not taking care of parents. Just because others take care or not, doesn't mean you have to do the same. Most of this will all have to be discussed with your husband and both make a decision together since I am sure one day, some of his earnings will be helping to support them. However, this doesn't mean they are millionaires living in a fancy hotel that will give them whatever they want, except at a cost.
It is already hard enough you and hubby are separated during your schooling, but you both made that decision so I hope it works out for you. I know its hard on military people being away from their mate even for a couple months and being separated by miles can take its toll on a marriage, but several years for you both? Thats hard. You'll have to work real hard at keeping closeness and contact over the computer or phone. Normally, most long distance relationships don't work when its two people who have never met in person. You two have a history in person. You both know you are a good match which is hard to do over the computer. I met my second husband that way. But after a week of talking, we met in person because we only looked in our immediate area. Not across country or the world. Take care of yourself and your husband first and then the parents. I would expect the same of a son or daughter, to pay their rent first rather than give me the help with my car repair first. That can wait. Any other way means they can run behind in bills, have unexpected emergencies of their own and all of a sudden find themselves with no place to live. And how can a homeless child help their aging parents. I hope you see this from a smarter angle. You have to take care of getting yourself ready to take on the responsibilty of them, not be thrown into it and expected to flourish.

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My girlfriend has no feelings for me anymore. what should i do?




There is nothing you can do to make it work. You can not change another person at all, never ever, you can only change yourself. You are going to have to move on. I know, not what you want to hear but I am sharing only from how humans work and this is it.
So to explain, I will do a comparison first. Remember the excitement you had whenever you wanted something bad and then you get it as a gift, for Birthday or whatever other celebration. You were overexcited but as the days went by, it didn't feel as exciting anymore. I will use myself as an example. My parents watched me as a child looking in a store window at a life size doll, well at the time that was close to 4 feet. I wanted it so bad and one year for Birthday I got that doll. After trying to carry around a doll the same size as me everytime I played, the appeal for the doll changed and soon I left it in a corner never to spend time with it again. We are all unique as to what our interests are. I learned early that my interested leaned towards arts and crafts so future gifts were geared towards that.

Now you may wonder why I brought up this story. Well, it is actually related. That excitement a person feels over a new item and this also works the same for new sweethearts in your life. If you really understand what your interests and needs are and 'shop around', searching for things and people that are the best for you, then sometimes a person gets that right. Most times, people are lured by a pretty face, a great sense of humor, or just one or two things. You are so excited, because this thing happening is called New relationship energy, NRE and it can feel as real if not more real than the real thing. No one is bullet proof here, we all experience this. It is so much like the high of a drug that some people get caught in the experience of the high so that when it calms down, you can't feel that high and think its time to meet someone new so you can feel that high again. If two people meet who are perfect for each other in all ways, not just one or two, then yes, that blown out of proportion excitement of a NRE will slowly fade to be replaced by true long lasting and unconditional love of a mate. This doesn't have the same high as NRE so when people feel this, they feel they are with the wrong person. Statistics for relationships are not very good. The majority end up with or married to a person who is only a best friend or only a sex partner/lover, but not with both. However both are needed to make a relationship work. The result is couples who are best friends but are not sexually attracted to each other or those who have great sex life, but then fight like cats and dogs, treating each other hatefully. It is less common to find couples who love each other over the years, are each others best friend, lover and treat each other with unconditional love. Lastly, one of the two people decide after a while that what they felt when NRE was present, is not what they feel now and realize something is not quite right. Instead of still feeling love at a different level of expression, they feel nothings at all. They do not realize that what they mistook for being a great match for someone, was only the NRE, fooling them.
This is hard to accept as it hurts if you are the one who still feels something but in the long run, you too would have seen too many things occur that let you know that something isn't right with the relationship. Better to lose the not perfect partner now than later after a marriage and some kids.

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My sister is so annoying. I'm tired of her stealing my money, using my credit card, and trashing my bedroom at school. I need to get rid of her. What should i do?

Are we talking private school or college? I didn't think family members could get same dorm room unless the parents or the students especially requested it. This may have some bearing on what happens when you ask to have a different room mate.

Basically, think of it this way, if she were not your sister and some random room mate was stealing your money and using your credit card and trashing the place, would you have a problem figuring out what to do? Just because she's your sister does not mean its okay for her to take your money and cc.
About being messy, was she that way at home, did you even know? Or did she change? So if it was a strange girl, wouldn't you report the roommate to the school staff? Same as any other crime, it would be reported. If you are too chicken to tell a non family member, then talk to your Mom and see what she says. But this has to be reported.

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I am a 25 year old engaged to a man whose mother makes it very clear to me that she is absolutely in love with her son. Her son is “the love of her life, the only love of her life, the light of her world, That even though he’s almost 30 she still sees him as the little baby boy in all those pictures, he will always be my baby boy” and she makes very odd comments such as “he is so good looking he’s even good looking with his shirt off.” Although her and I have a very good relationship, pretty much since we’ve gotten engaged she makes these comments towards me that make me feel like the two of them are the dynamic duo. I’ve been planning a surprise 30th birthday for him for about six months and I included his mother because I knew it would make her happy and just having a conversation with her yesterday she said “I don’t think he would think that his mommy wouldn’t do something for his 30th, you know I’ve done something for his 18th birthday 20th 21st I’m sure he knows mommy is going to plan something for 30“ but this is my party for him, this is my gift to him and I did let her invite almost 20 of her friends, because she’s paying for them. But she’s making this party that’s all about him all about herself, and what she is doing for him and what she is planning for him, when she isn’t doing anything except inviting her friends. I should also mention that he has lived with her his entire life because she financially depends on him. We are moving out, we plan to buy our first house in about six months. But until then how do I cope with someone who is so obsessed with her son, I feel like she’s constantly having a pissing match with me but I’m not pissing back. I try to talk to him about it and his solution is to tell her not to talk to me anymore, which isn’t what I want, I just want her to loosen her reins on him because she puts so much stress on the relationship sometimes that neither one of them are aware of and I feel like I am the only one who feels it. and by no means am I an emotional person but I am just so fed up that when I really sit here and think about it I could cry. She’s not a bad person, she’s actually a really good person, but living with her and having to constantly hear how much she loves him and everything else it’s really draining. Like when he comes home with a new car she’s always the first one out the door being his cheerleader and I want to be his cheerleader but his mother is too busy doing it that I don’t get the opportunity too. let it also be noted that he is an only child, and I do understand that, but I need my space, he’s going to be my partner for life just me and him, not me him and his mother. If anyone has any suggestions or advice I could really use it. Thank you.

Yes, the MIL does not know how to transition from being the mother of an adolescent,to mother of an adult. You let the reins go and let the son go where ever he wishes. This is an issue for lots of parents, who continue to treat their adult children as if they were 10 years old and you can still set limits, and dictate what they do.

Your real problem may be how your fiancee feels about this. It is all well for you to say something to MIL but if the two of you are not showing a united front, she could eventually destroy the marriage. Some men are Mama's boys, which means they don't mind and actually like the fact they don't have to decide on anything and let Mom decide for them. This would be a Man copping out on life, meaning he isn't willing to be in charge of his own life, and more than willing to allow his Mother to mother him in an unhealthy way. If you find he doesn't have the balls to stand up to Mom, tell her he is an adult and will together with you make all the decisions for both of your futures as a couple. She is welcome to visit when he has agreed to it and so on. He also has to back you up in front of her, validate anything you share that you both have agreed on.k This happens NOW!!! Right now you are engaged, and it is harder to later get divorced if he wants to allow Mom to be the top person in his life.
I read bits and pieces of men writing on line to women who are dating to explain from a mans stand point, whether a man loves you enough to make it work for you. One of the things is who gets to be at the top of the totem pole in importance to him. A man usually has just 3 top priorities but these are important. Their job is one, a sports team he plays on, or his family is two, and his fiancee of wife must be the third one. However in many cases, when the issue is about your relationship together as a couple, no one else gets a say, you are the top dog there. You only get to talk with him and decide on something that will impact your lives, such as accepting a new job, moving for a job, going back to school, if and when to try for children of your own and so on. Moms role now must change from calling all the shots to becoming a sounding board for him. A sounding board is where you go to get more info, a different viewpoint to tackling an upcoming issue. The thing about this position does not mean she has a right to share her unwanted, unasked for advice. You asked me here or I would not be talking. I have adults kids and if they didn't ask for advice when I say a problem, the most a parent can do is ask permission to speak such as "I may have some insight for you on that matter. Would you like to hear it. I have had my kids say no and I've had to bite my tongue and not say a thing. What usually happens is when an adult child is upset over how things turned out doing it their way, a parent can step in and say how sorry they had to learn the hard way but you did have something to tell them that might have avoided the bad experience, the extra cost, etc... This happened with one daughter reallizing after her one free Dr. visit through her job that what the Dr. gave her to do to help with situational caused depression, is the exact same list I had wanted to give her. She knows now that Mom knows more than her on some things and Moms advice may help. She is more willing now to let me have my say. But as always, even when I do get my say, she may take in advice from several sources beyond me and decide to go with one of them. I say you have a good talk with your fiancee first, find out how he feels about Mom running his life. Although I would advice you don't say those words exactly but soften it by saying,
"It kinda looks like she is trying to run your life, live variously through you. If this is really going on, it will destroy the very marriage we both want. Are you willing to go to couples counseling while engaged. I will delay a wedding until I am sure that this issue is understood correctly by both of us, discover how to handle it, or discover if its a non-issue." In talking this way, you are not using tenses in your sentences that make it sound as if this is for sure. It won't sound like an accusation and you sound like you are leaving room for yourself to be wrong also. If he refuses to go seek a counselor, and/or won't talk to his mother and stand up for decisions you both make and reject her unwanted advice, telling her she is now a sounding board only to be given permission by him on each instance to give advice, otherwise, it is not welcome and if she persists, he needs to tell her she is temporarily barred from even visiting or calling you two. It is tough love so it is hard to talk like this to a parent but it is important that it happen as the other way is not normal for humans to act this way. I know, that means there are a lot of older parents who are not normal.

Another lesson here is that of a saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" is a saying that captures the truth very well, you can talk to a person, you can be good example for them to watch, but in the end, you can not change a person. First, the problem person must recognize and be able to admit they hve a problem and then want to change into a better version of themselves. I have experience here with a failed first marriage. I gave it plenty time and him too but when after almost 30 years he had failed to change on his own, I was left with the only decision I could make, I could only decide what happens to me. So I prepared to leave him first and later get the divorce. I hope this is not how it goes for you. But you must realize that whatever she does, or fiancee does is going to affect your life, and currently, it will be a bad effect. You can become so stressed that your body can't handle it and the stress transforms to illnesses in the body (I had that happen to me) or goes to the mind and you become depressed, sometimes to the point of killing yourself. This is not a 'maybe it might happen', this is a for sure thing, the bad effects on your physiology, creeping in and adding up over time. Heck I lived with daily headaches for one thing due to the stress and there was no MIL interfering, just him. If your life is made miserable by two people on a fairly constant basis, you would for sure become affected by stress. It can take months, a year, 5 years, til you see the bad effects add up enough that you notice them in yourself but its usually sooner than later with more symptoms adding on all the time til there are more illnesses. I am remarried now, a wonderful man and I do not have any of those illnesses now. Now that I have mentioned the worst that can happen, you know that
both of you need to unify, agree and both talk to his Mom. If he tries but gives in to her, mention counseling again. He also needs to know he has to decide to change and without a counselor pointing out any landmines existing now that may destroy the marriage sooner or later, he won't see the urgency. I know when you love someone its hard to do this part. Just know that the love you feel, will eventually disappear as the meddling and competition of Mom continue. Mine did. I did not hate him, actually felt sorry for him, and cared about him as a person, a human being, but the love was gone. Its like having a bank account in your heart that only takes deposits of love and care. In your situation, if nothing changed and you marry, the only deposits you get are mistreatment, being challenged, talked down to, etc instead of love deposits, then when he is wanting to receive your love, and tries to make a withdrawal from your heart, he will find one day, all the love was used up, taken out but never replaced so there is no love left. I read that in a psychology report online and I know it is true because it happened to me.

Back to MIL, once she realizes her son is not going to cooperate and continue to let her run his life, if a good person, she will apologize and change her behavior. Apologizing and not changing her behavior just cancells out her apology as she continues to do what she wishes, hoping that eventually her son will give up. What I don't know is why all her attention is directed to her son. Does she have a husband, other children, grand kids, or hobbies that keep her busy? If not, at least for now, hobbies and volunteering are good ways for her to keep busy as it sounds like right now she doesn't really have a life of her own. She wrapped up her life in the duties of being a Mom, never branching out to include other projects and hobbies.

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I'm 28 years old, I have anxiety disorder and panic attacks for five years. My family is really conservative in their religious views and because of it I wasn't able to get psychologist help for all these years. I also have sleeping disorder and night paralysis with nightmares. Before my disease I used to be independent woman, I would work, study in college. In big city I was able to get to college and job by bus. But we have moved and right now we live in small city and there are no buses.I was able to find job only in big city, because there are no jobs. Last year I took driving classes for few months and have passed all driving lessons successfully. But I have serious panic attacks during driving that I start to loose concentration that I can't even read signs well. Also during panic attacks I can't keep up with speeding on the road. This new year my dad takes me to work each morning. He has some emotional problems because he is old and it's hard for him to drive. He used to scream at me while I was driving him to his medical appointments so I would get panic attacks every time. I have drove with panic attacks already for one year, I had no choice because my dad started to have physical pain so I had to take him to doctor. I have tried passing driving exam, but I get so worried about upcoming exam that I would fail it each single time. Back ago my friend have told me that I will kill myself in car while I drive with panic attacks, so these words always echoes in my mind whenever I want to get out on the road. I'm really scared to drive on my own now because there are high speeds on road and you will have time to calm down. My family told me that I should get license this year or to get married and move out because dad won't be able to drive me to work any longer. I feel stuck and lonely in my situation, I have no idea what to do. Do you think I should proceed with trying to pass driving exam and getting out on road, or should I move out next year?

You should not be driving until you no longer have a bad case of anxiety disorder. I know of people without the disorder who upon receiving bad news were very emotional and distracted and that caused them to get into accidents on regular city streets. I have also heard that one shouldn't drive if upset to the point of grieving or unable to focus or sleep well. If people are advised not to drive in this condition, then driving while having panic attacks would be the same thing, being distracted, unable to concentrate, senses not as sharp so you only make the chances of having an accident, rise if you drive under those conditions. As for moving out, I would think that too would cause you anxiety. You can't depend on parents forever. What if your parents were both gone right now, think about where you would turn to for help. I am answering for what I know in the U.S. so if you are in another country, check what the laws and even the cautions mentioned are for your area. Never once did you ask for some pointers in how to be rid of this anxiety. Imagine being anxiety free,(about 90 % or more. likely) without medications, and solving all the worries of your situation. You could move and get a drivers license and be independant, not needing help from parents. I don't understand reason to marry to move out, unless you feel you can not totally afford it on your own in which case you simply advertise for another female to be roommate and share the paying for the place. Now I don't know what is available in medical systems of other countries, but there are a specific group of mental health doctors who instead of prescribing medications to help mask the symptoms, will go after the root of the problem in your mind, and work with you on excercises, homework to practice getting better. I had severe social anxiety as a child long before the Medical field was calling it an anxiety. When I got close to graduating school and would be an adult, I was worried I would not be able to navigate the adult world on my own so I prayed. This is not what I am telling you to do, but my story. I got the answer of what to do in steps at my own pace so I was not ever overwhelmed. And I was cured. About 10 years ago, I came across a book in library written by a psychologist who had turned writer and teacher of new psychologists to train them in a help method called CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Cognitive means the thoughts, and how your mind thinks. Behavior is in the title since its proven that thoughts will lead our behavior, so its a matter of replacing bad thoughts and learning how to have more positive thoughts and thats what makes up the Therapy part of this. I would suggest you find the equivalent of CBT in your medical system. I am attaching a link to an article about CBT. It has a downloadable book mentioned, and no cost mentioned, so perhaps that will help some. I would suggest seeing a Dr. immediately and get a schedule with work on your anxieties going. I truly believe that your panic attacks seem to mimic a condition called PTSD, Post traumatic Stress Disorder in that the conditions while driving Dad for example were traumatic for you. I understand. For a couple of years after someone rear ended the car my family was traveling in, I would jump into panic mode every time we had to brake hard or when I heard tires screeching but eventually that faded away as nothing else bad happened. But when you can't get away from toxic behavior that is causing you to have panic attacks it will continue. It is best if you see a Dr. soon. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/B9780128149324000057

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Hi there, I need an anonymous advice to tackle a nasty situation. I've discussed this with my family and friends but I felt they were biased. I need someone to think about it with impartiality.
So, I came to live in the US with my husband. Initially I was a housewife. Then got a job and now pursuing full-time PhD. There is this woman, wife of my husband's office colleague, absurdly jealous of me. If I buy things she has to buy the exact same thing. If I decorate my house in a certain way, she has to do it ditto. I decorate my house with my paintings.She can't paint so she's buy same patter painting and claim this was her original idea. I love gardening, she didn't have an interest in plants. Even when I gifted her two plants, she killed them with carelessness. But then all of a sudden she started pretending as a gardener in front of other people (mostly in front of the families of my husband's office colleagues). She always tries to compete with me. During potlucks, she praises highly about the food my husband cooks and deliberately avoids praising about my cooking skills and if someone else likes my food better than her and praises me, she'd start telling them how I was a novice and got to learn cooking from my husband (which is not the case, 'cause I've grown interest in cooking even before my marriage and have been a full-phlaged cook since then). She has problem with literally anything and everything I do in life. She tries to belittle me for applying make-up (makes sarcastically comments which are annoying).

Anyway, most of the times I try to ignore her banters. I try to be polite. But recently she put a status about my cooking skill on social media, without any provocation. She tried to make it look as a joke. But I lost my patience and posted a general status about how not to make fun of people (although I didn't mention her name). She got offended and reposted a hate status for me without mentioning my name and then blocked me from everywhere and her husband also unfriended me from facebook. I felt hurt and humiliated, because no matter how badly she treated me I tried to maintain this relationship and I never ever had insulted them but now all she is trying to do is tarnish my reputation and portraying me as a villain. And now they are talking rubbish about me and my husband (who has never a part of all these) to other office colleagues. I will leave for India in couple of months for my PhD. What should I do now? Should I try to mend the relationship with them or just ignore and never contact them again?

Normally when someone copies everything you do and say, its because they don't have faith in their own abilities so they copy like a little sister might do growing up. However this seems to be much more and I agree, she seems to have it in for you.

My question is wondering if your husband knows about the untruths she is spreading about you. Choosing to have you or ban you on social media is a persons choice but it looks clear to me that she is jealous and purposely trying to make you look worse than her so that she even without much skill herself might look better. I know this to be something that mentally disturbed people will do. My ex did and much more. If your husband does not know, then he needs to know. You need his support. I know its not the case but what if you wanted to apply for a restaurant job and her comments on you, which a prospective employer can snoop and find, would kill your chances, then that is called defamation of character. Here is a law offices description of that: https://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/civil-litigation/defamation-character.html

Now, your husband may not want to rock the boat at work and has said nothing or scared to. But it is important that a stand be made or this will continue. What needs to happen is that you both tackle this issue, with your feeding him the info of what she has said and done, and him saying something to get this to stop, and saying it to both her and her husband with you there to agree. This is a test in life. We all come across them. If its something you need to learn in life and don't tackle it now, then it will repeat in future scenarios with other people doing the same. Some adults go through life being immature their whole life and they will look something like this gal you speak of. The other option is bowing out of these office get togethers as a couple, not just you but both of you. A united front must be shown, with both of you sticking up for each other. When the boss wants to know why you both won't show, then tell the truth. I can't say why a person automatically hates another when they don't really know you all that well but it happened to me. And there was no reason, other than maybe some insanity on the part of this women. So do what you can together until you are gone to school, and away from her but as I said, its best to not ignore the issue thinking, oh well, I'll soon be away. Because as I mentioned earlier, this kind of thing will happen again in you and husbands future if you don't learn how to nip this issue in the bud.

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Last summer, I (F/20) decided to go solo camping on some abandoned farmland just outside the city limits. There was a burn ban in effect, but I chose to make a campfire anyway. Long story short, it grew out of control and spread onto a neighboring farm, severely damaging a barn and the equipment inside it.

I was charged with reckless burning (a felony), pled guilty, and have been sentenced to nine months in the county jail. The judge was gracious enough to give me two weeks to get my affairs in order before I self-surrender. I now have ten days left.

I definitely played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. I wish more than anything that I could go back and stop that night from ever happening. But I know that's impossible and that I'll have to deal with the consequences of my stupidity.

I had been thinking of joining the military, but now that can never happen and I don't really have any other ambitions. I feel like I've destroyed my entire life and have no idea where I'll go from here. If anyone has any advice for a situation like this, I'm all ears cause I feel so lost right now.

My only suggestion is to try different careers. I know a guy who went to college for a particular degree and in a year, decided he didn't like it so next Thanksgiving he was in school for another subject but didn't stop there. He tried around 5 different times til he found something he like or could stand enough to do daily. You could do that, its expensive with wasted classes often. Or a less expensive route is going through a trade school.


Before you make any decisions from now on until your late twenties, it is best you picture yourself asking Mom or Dad if something is a good idea. This is important for young adults who have not reached their mid twenties yet. If another adult in your minds eye would say No and explain why, then it is best to see it from their view point. If you had told Mom you wanted to go camping by yourself and make a campfire even with a burn ban, things may not have turned out like this. The thing is to learn from our mistakes. If you think all you've learned is to not ignore a burn ban, then you may not have learned enough and may make a dumb decision again. I know you are not a teen but here's an article that explains how the brain can't be relied on to make the best decisions yet, at least until 25 or 26, maybe even later for some. https://tenneyschool.com/frontal-lobe-brain-teen-decision-making/
When an adult makes a decision, they make the best one they know how and even then, we sometimes find out it wasn't the best one. I hope you have learned that it is important when your frontal lobe of brain isn't working yet, to bounce your ideas off another person, not your age but someone much older is best. If you can do this maybe with a couple people, get their view on something you want to do, they can help you in making the best decisions now. Its like borrowing someones brain until yours is done growing.

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My wife passed away last December from cancer, this year has been very difficult for me. I've practically been isolated. I am still very devastated, I miss my wife so much. My neighbors gave me a gift and a card. When I opened the box it was a coffee mug with a face sculptured on it. The card read " So you don't feel alone when you're drinking." This really hurt and bothered me. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Some of us as souls are a bit more advanced than others. So the neighbor used something that was originally made as a joke, to give to you. But I don't think he was joking. He probably realized that you must still miss her horribly and have no clue what to say to you. Then he saw the mug with a face on it and thought how much you must miss having another face to look at and talk to and felt that though a very poor facimile, this gift would help him to convey to you how he realizes you must miss her alot. I truly believe it was given with good intent. Even though how it was carried out, was hurtful to you. Unless you have witnessed this neighbor being mean tempered with his family and you and other neighbors and that is who he is, he is likely understood wrongly. Now you have a right to how you feel but how you feel and react can not be blamed on the actions of others, no matter how terrible those actions. Just as a person can't change just from being told or watching another person, and change or desire for it must come from within, self generated, the same will go for intent. Lucky for us, God looks at the intent of our hearts rather than at the poor result. Myself, if I got that same mug and card, after losing my mate, I know I would have at least smiled if not burst out a short bit of laughter and then started crying out of lonliness and missing him all over. So even though the gift and card did not help you, think of the fact that he actually was thinking of you, not ignoring the situation from his cozy home. Even if this was his only time giving you something, at least he eventually did. I have a suggestion that only you will know if you can handle it. I don't know how close you relate with this neighbor but am guessing not much. It would be wonderful to break the ice by inviting him and his wife if there is one, to come to your home for dinner. It doesn't have to be fancy. Store bought prepared meals or something delivered from a food place. Have cider or something hot to drink and drink from that mug for him to see. He will feel good thinking he did well but you have him there to talk to and hopefully, if there are some things in common, you can become friends. But inviting folks over, when grieving still, is not something everyone can do, so at the very least, acknowledge his attempt to cheer you up with a pretty thank you note.

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I am from south Asia. My family (Mom, Dad, Bro and me) have always been close knit. That is until my bro left for college. He graduated at the bottom of his course(despite being excellent at school) and also informed us that he had started dating a girl 6 years older than him. My parents were upset at both these news but I consoled them saying that this was normal in today's times and that age was just a number. My brother joined the same well-paying organization as my father. Then one day he announced that he had broken up with that girl. He was quite furious and I listened to him vent. Then a few months later he announced that he was back with that girl. Their relationship has been long distance from the beginning where they meet every few months and spend a week in a hotel. My parents were not happy that my 23y.o bro was spending his holidays in hotels with her but they still let it slide. We were thinking that, just like his previous relationships this one would also not last. Apart from the fact that she was older, my parents did not really like her because she seemed suspicious. Also my bro has a history of being super trusting of anyone who comes his way. For eg: Bro once told us that he had not visited her workplace cuz she said that it can only be accessed by helicopters(?!). She goes on a lot of international trips with her boss and has bought purses and heels worth 2 month salary of my bro each. She also buys him a lot of expensive gifts. When I asked how she could afford all this, bro said that her company card allows her to buy all that. (she's a secretary to the boss)(I dont know if companies allow such lavish personal expenditure on their card). When our older cousin sis asked to be friends with her on insta (so she could know her better), she refused the request saying that she is not interested in involving other people.(this cousin has been a wise listening ear for my bro and gives good advise since she has also been through bad relationships).
Suddenly one day bro's gf demanded that he make his parents talk with her as a 'guarantee' for the relationship. She apparently threatened to leave him and marry someone else if he did not. It took a lot of coaxing and angry rants for my parents to relent. My mom wished her happy b'day on the phone. Later we got to know that the gf had taken offense to the line 'wish you happiness wherever you go' said by my mum. All through this, I have stood on my bro's side, cleaning up his mess, getting my parents to understand him. But when he came home for holidays, he spoke condescendingly to me. No thanks for helping him gloss over his mistakes or giving him advise. This has made me realize that he has only ever approached me when he wants someone to clean up his mess, or wants some sort of favor. I have stopped speaking to him.
My parents have never met his gf and she is not discussed much, that is, until now. 10 Days after my bro turned 25, he called us and told us that the girls parents wanted to speak to us. Getting the parents involved is a sign of 'marriage'. The timing of this call irked us because, in our culture, a guy younger than 25 is considered too young for marriage (and a girl over 30 is considered too old). My parents did not want to talk because they did not want my bro to be married so soon. The reason- My bro has consistently performed extremely poor in his job. he has not saved up anything and till date asks for extra allowance from my parents. we want him to become a bit more stable in his job, earn a good reputation and save some money. When we expressed these concerns to him, he said that even he understands it and wont marry till 27. But still, he started pressurizing for us to call her parents as they didnt trust brother to be serious wanted some sort of confirmation. he spoke rudely to us, called everyday to rant. Finally my parents spoke to hers. they thought the call went well. But the next day, my bro calls to say that they got offended when we said that since some older cousins were not yet married, we would like to wait a bit. It has been 2 months since that call, and my bro still tells us that the girl wants us to call her family and apologize for our words. she fights with him over it everytime. he, in turn, blames us for ruining his happiness and relationship. we told him that if she has misunderstood anything from our side, then HE should be the one explaining what we actually meant. He should be able to have her trust him. But he is now just getting angry at us for not being 'understanding'. I guess he tried to explain to her our side of the story and in return got called a 'mama's boy'. She still wants us to apologize to her family (but we don't really know for what).
I want to clarify that my parents have spoken to her just 2 times, one was a 10 min call on her b'day and the other was a 30 min call with her parents. Both these times she has managed to get offended. Both these calls were preceded by her threatening to leave my brother & marry someone else and in turn, my brother getting angry at us that we are obstacles to his happiness. My parents have made it clear that they have no problem with the relationship and the subsequent marriage. They just want my brother to wait a bit till he saves up some money and becomes good at his job and also gets to know her better (they have probably been physically together for less than 2 months in their 2 year relationship). I am not speaking to my bro anymore because I feel cheated out of my kindness for him.
All in all, an atmosphere of hostility has been created in our house. My parents literally become sad after every phone call with him cuz he is either asking for money or asking us to apologize to her without even telling us what we should be sorry for. I don't know whose side to take anymore. I don't want to support a relationship where the girl threatens to marry someone else at the littlest of things. On the other hand, maybe things would progress more smoothly if we just did whatever my brother asks us to do.
Who is at fault here: her, my brother or us?

The immediate problem I see is that you and the parents are so busy glossing things over, and fixing his mistakes so that he can never learn from his mistakes. It seems the majority of people learn this way if at all. If they see that what they chose did not work, they avoid that choice from now on and move on. He won't learn to stand on his own two feet and earn a living until both you and the parents let him go to make the mistakes and messes you know for sure are coming. This is where tough love comes in. o matter how much it hurts your heart to see him suffer, you have to resist fixing things for him. Either he will eventually learn or not. Of course you can be nice and pleasant with him but calmly tell him its time he learned to grow up and do the same all adults do, make decisions and learn from their mistakes.

This girl sounds like bad news. SHe sounds like a controller, making demands of your parents and you even. Sounds like a controller and abuser. I know, I've lived that in the past, abused. Those who abuse always look for someone weaker than them who will not stand up to them. In my case, being quiet made my ex believe I was weak, he was wrong and he got terribly angry when he couldn't break my spirit. Your brother should not marry this girl in my opinion, based only on what you shared. If important information is missing that might change how a person answers you, I can't help that. I say you saw it correctly, that he has no stand in the relationship. If it were a financial reason, you know no woman would want him right now. If a woman is looking for a rich man to lavish her with gifts, that certainly is not your brother. So that is why, when I hear what this girl has said or done already, I can see she is bad news. If I had one of my children meet someone like her, I would not jump to her demands to meet or for an apology, and yet I am a peace maker. However peace in my own life comes first, and that includes never allowing another person to control and abuse me as my ex did. I did remarry a wonderful man so very different. I hope you all see this and refuse to have anything to do with her. And not due to age, but the more dangerous, controlling tendency.

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So I am a 32 year old female and I have been invited to a new yeara eve dance and it's a red carpet event. I have no idea what to wear.

A dress for sure. This won't be a jeans and sweatshirt affair. So the best thing to do is check with those who are throwing the party, and find out what they are wearing or expect their female guests to wear because there are different types of dresses. Sometimes a fancy cocktail dress will work, and that is usually average to shorter length. The other choice is a long gown which is what bridesmaids wear at a wedding that is very formal, with guys wearing tuxes. But in case they are going away from what the older crowd like me would do, you may want to check if they are doing a themed event like dressing in Hawaiian attire or something else. In an age where females have grown up wearing pants all their lives because it's more practical, there are women who may not have a single dress in their closet. So If you are wondering what style of dress to wear, look for a favorite color, one that compliments your skin, or you can look for something darker, even black because this is a winter event and you dont see many people wearing any summery bright colors or pastels in winter. If you look at the holiday ads in the news paper or online for dresses for New Years, you will often see bold dark jewel tones, and something with a sparkle in it. I am talking of Red, Silver, Gold, dark green, royal blue or royal purple. You have to like the cut, how it makes you look, brings out your best features. It may be a beautiful dress but not right on you. Also, price shouldn't count. When I found the gown to wear to a daughters summer wedding, I found it on a rack of leftover long prom dresses that were on sale, a beautiful slinky aqua gown. At the register, it rang up as even cheaper since there was a discount on the already existing discount and the dress I wore at daughters wedding was around 30 dollars, totally unheard of cost. But I still looked terrific in it.

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I'm Vietnamese, so my English is not very good. I have a very close friend and she is really close to me. I used to play with a group of old friends but then they left me, and they hurt me a lot And even called me trash So I don't want she Close to them because I fear they will be like me and I feel uncomfortable when I see my best friend so close to them. I told her what I thought. And she also promised me that she wouldn't get along with them. But one day we had a big argument and she left me. After no longer talking, I see that she always takes the time to call and talk to them many times and post stories like close friends. That left me pretty devastated and frustrated. And then she texted me and asked me to give her a chance and I agreed. Then she posted a post about the friends she was with in 2021. It was nice to have me in that post but also my old friends in that post. That left me speechless. I asked her and she said they were just Normal Friends and I was more important than them. i said i hate people who break promises and she knows it too, but why did she break her promise to me and then she doesn't know what to say. I made the choice whether she would keep her promise or continue playing with them and she chose to play with them. she said I made her awkward but she seemed to only think about herself without thinking if I was awkward or not. I felt very hurt and then I decided not to talk to her. I don't know if I'm doing it right, should I forgive or not, please help

It might help knowing the age range here but I can guess that we are talking about school age people anywhere from middle school, the years before High School, including H.S. ages and even college age because I was once that age and know how other kids can be. Badically, the decision making skills and being able to figure out consequences to any choice they make, and how they treat other people are things that people struggle with when they fall in to that age bracket. This is a time when young people feel grown up because their bodies have changed but their brain is still handicapped. The problem is that the frontal lobe in older kids, teens and young college age is not done developing so they are not able to make the right decisions due to a brain not yet able to do so. I was treated like this in High School. Yet when I met many of these people at a 40 year High School reunion, they were all very nice, mature people. Some like you might be a little ahead of others, being mature in many areas, but even myself, in looking back know I had a couple areas where I knew next to nothing like about relationships and thats how at 20 I married a man who turned out to be real bad. Don't worry, I am no longer with him.

I just want you to know that the way you are being treated is wrong but at the same time, it is something they are not capable of doing right now. Scientists say that the brain doesn't fully mature until mid twenties, so 25 or a bit older. So if its someone school age, and depending on the age, it can be anywhere from another 18 years to 8 years before they grow up. In the meanwhile, you don't want to feel lonely, so the thing to do is to ignore them, as there is nothing you, their parents or Doctors can do to help them change for the better at this time. You will need to look for others who are the few who are more mature at an early age, at least mentally. And make friends with them. You have no control in changing another person. Change is something that must be a desire that comes from within a person and it is rare to find that at a younger age. The close friend who is spending time with the girls may not be getting mistreated for some reason and so she sees nothing wrong with them and may be wondering why you say such things about them.
I can't say the reason for being picked on is always the same. But in my case, I was very shy and quiet and it seems that makes other young people feel they don't know how to try to interact with quieter people, shy people, social anxiety, or like me, those who think they are being bullied when all kids were trying to do was get me to open up, using humor and teasing. I took it wrong and spent many years with only 3 or 4 friends. So there may be something about your character that leaves them not knowing how to reach out to you and bring you into the group. I do know now that even some adults have problems. Usually after school, going on with their lives, is about raising a family, working but so many are afraid to speak to a stranger because the only experience they have is with other immature friends they knew in High School.

Regarding whether to forgive: Forgiving is something you do in your heart and it's for your best. You do not need to hear another person ask for forgiveness. I've even had family when I was finally an adult, at different times ignore me and stop talking to me, 3 family members at different times and all were adults at that time. I forgave them without bringing up the things they did to me. All it does is embarrass and cause others to shut down, become stubborn and point the finger at you as the problem and decide to never admit they were wrong. See, choosing to not forgive won't hurt them at all, but your choosing to not forgive can have life long effects on you, not good.

Also, when we are still learning how to understand other people, we can make many mistakes. Mistakes is how all of us learn except for a few people adults included. Some never learn to evaluate their mistake and decide what they can do different next time to get better results. Sadly there are some very stupid people in the world who want things to get better but instead of trying something different, do the same things they've always done, hoping for different results. Now that is stupidity. These girls can't fall into that bracket yet if they are not at least 25, or 26 years of age or older. I know this doesn't sound like much help but the best thing you can do is be patient with them, like you are so much older, and wiser, like their parents, and just waiting for them to grow up. You could try talking to each one, one at a time, just you and one others without the others near. Have a talk asking if there is any reason they treat you as they do. Most won't tell the truth for fear of being yelled at or worse. So if you can handle it, tell them its okay to tell you the truth if there is anything about yourself that bothers them and a random statement like "You are just weird" does not tell you anything helpful. If there is a shred of maturity in each person, they will tell you or perhaps realize they have nothing against you and were only following the lead of a certain person who leads that group of people, maybe to be accepted or out of fear that they too would be treated that way if they spoke up for you. You may yet find friends. If you decide to talk to them, there is a right way and wrong way to approach people to talk of a problem. When ever you start a sentence with the word 'you' as in You were saying mean things to me. Remember young people can't stop and think ahead to the consequences of their actions, so use the word, 'I' alot. Example: I felt hurt when I was called, stupid and boring. YOu don't even have to remind most people what they did wrong, they already know. But since you started with I, you may be able to say, when you called me stupid and boring. Humor goes a long way to helping people to like another person. So I have learned to not take things so personally. If you are being attacked verbally and have had enough, then leave. You have more control if you invite one at a time to come to your home. That way when things go bad, you can ask a person to leave since you do not deserve to be treated this way. I decided to practice being humorful. so lets say I drop something and one person starts saying I am butter fingers, a saying here if you drop something because butter would be greasy like oil and cause you to lose your grip on an item. While the others poke fun, repeating in a chant that I am butterfingers, I would choose to laugh instead of feel bad and say, "Oh dear, please don't tell anyone of the beauty secret you discovered, that I use butter as a hand moisturizer." If anyone seems to take it serious and not realize I am joking, then I say so, "Not serious, just joking with you." And that is what self confidence looks like. You know who you are, what your talents are, all about everything that makes you, who you are. they don't. But if they felt you were approachable and not likely to crumble, get mad and do the silent treatment, then they may be more willing to look closer and find out who you are. This is very long now for an answer. But I can think of another story that may help to hear. I was in 4th grade and had a best friend. She was moody as a person. So one day she got upset and I knew from the past that just asking her whats wrong before she was ready to talk or whether I had done something was a waste of time. So I began to spend some time with another gal at school, although she didn't live close enough to spend time after school or weekends. I wisely kept quiet and gave my best friend the space she needed. I truly did not worry that I was at fault because she got upset at silly little things quite often. So she tried the silence and ignoring me. so she was stunned to see me spend time at school with this other girl. Eventually she dropped a note on my desk where it demanded to know why I was spending time with Becky. I did not answer. The best friend eventually forgot what bothered her in the first place and began talking to me again and I answered back, not ever bringing up the fact she started it all. Actually, there is one more, a girl I'll call Tina. Tina was a dancer and so at school performances on stage, I saw her often but we had never met. She was one year younger in High School. However, her sister, one year younger was friends with my sister who was two years younger than me. The dancer must have been bored because one day she followed her sister to my house, not knowing I was the older sister of the person they were going to see. When they arrived, I came out of my room to greet them both and after a few minutes of being friendly, went back into the house. In a few minutes my sister came to my door and told me that the older sister of her friend had just told her that she hated me and wanted her to keep me out of the way. Did that bother me, or hurt my feelings? No, because I didn't bother to listen to those ugly thoughts we all get in our heads, about how terrible we are or whatever. I stayed out of the way. But I realized this person didn't know me, didn't even realize I lived here because she seemed shocked to see me there, and since she did not know me, we had never met at school or any where except my backyard that day. So I knew that her saying she hated me was only showing how immature she was. She was the one with a problem, not me. You may well find out that all these girls are the ones with the problem, not that you are causing it, because there are more young people who are immature and act that way than those who are more mature.

And a compliment to you. Your letter was easy to read. No worse than what I see from people who grew up in the U.S. and should know better. Some write really bad. So you are doing quite well since its not your native language.

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I'm a 17 year old girl and I was wondering, does anyone have any advice on what to do when you make a mistake with your boyfriend? I explained what happened underneath if anyone has the time.

Yesterday, I messages my boyfriend to hang out on a game called VR chat. He said yes, and when I got there he was with his cousin. His cousin created a voice chat for all three of us to talk while far away from each other. His cousin and I are friends so we started talking. We were in a plane flying map with a city and everything. My boyfriend was driving a plane and his cousin liked the ground shooting machines. His cousin went to a city building and was saying how no one could find him. I was said that I could see his name. I told him I'd prove it by coming over. I landed on the building and he said he was going to abort it jumping off. I chased him off the building and we were both just falling after each other. My boyfriend said "you guys know I'm here right?". I heard him but didn't know why I couldn't respond, so I just told his cousin that I was gonna catch him as if nothing happened. I think that upset my boyfriend since he left the call and has not responded to my messages. After waiting half an hour to see if he'd join back and I could say sorry in person, I had to get offline. I probably deserved to be ignored anyways since I did that to him. I was stupid to think of ignoring him when he means so much to me. I sent him a message today saying I'd like to talk and I'm truly sorry for ignoring him. I told him the truth, that in a way I was unsure myself as to why I Ignored him and was going to message him sooner although I had to go. I love him so much and feel so horrid for what I did. He probably knows that I'm consistently thinking about what happened since he knows me really well. The thing that he doesn't know is that I'm in a way afraid of myself for making bad decisions. Or maybe he does, I'm not a cheater or anything but I've lied and didn't pay attention at times. I just don't wanna screw things up with him when he means the world to me, he actually is the one good thing in my entire life. If anyone knows what I should do, I'd really appreciate any help I can get. Currently I'm just waiting, I'm kinda afraid to see him without knowing he is okay with talking first. Can anyone help me?

Oh hon, you have lots to learn and experience yet. The same with your boyfriend. The issue is, some people are humble, willing to admit they have issues, want to change for the better and others don't want to change thinking they have no problem, are afraid of change, or suspect and bellieve every guy in the world wants you. The real issue here is him, your boyfriend. I can tell you right now my husband plays a golf game on line and quite often, the other player just leaves the game before the end simply cus they think my husband will win. So they are getting weirded out by their own thoughts. Or when they think they are going to win (but still dont) for that brief time, they are putting on Emoji's of laughing faces or worse and then they leave when they lose instead of try another game. This issue seems to be one of the younger generation. Its like his thoughts that you are paying attention are playing to his insecurities and making him like a poor sport in the game you all played. Thats just one incidence. Start watching dear, cus if he has the problem I think he has, he will become worse as time goes by. I remember being in a movie line long age with my date and in line right in front of me, was a guy I knew from H.S. He had a date too. He came unglued just in public cus some guy asked her for the time. The seconds they looked at each other was enough for him to yell and accuse her of flirting with others guys. In the end, it can lead to men who beat their girlfriends and wives. If your BF is making himself scarce, there is nothing you need to do. DO NOT apologize to him as it signals two things to him, 1.That you musta bought his words and actions and now think you did something you have to apologize for and 2. That you are easy to control and manipulate and that will only encourage him to do more. I know cus I have dealt with that stuff myself in life.

You state you are afraid to see him and that is not a good sign. People who are supposed to care for, love and support each other, should not have any problem bringing up any subject as long as they don't blame each other and if one has done wrong, to admit it to their sweetie and not find anger and yelling and belittling, but assurance that you are still loved. Of course, I am now grandma age and much older than you. I knew very little myself when i married at age 20 and wish there was someone I could write in to for advice. At your age, the dating is just starting and so there will be many mistakes made. Theres a very slight chance that this is just a mistake and learning thing for the boyfriend but more likely that without having someone (not you) point out his issue, and him not willing to admit he is wrong and want to change, that this type of reaction from him will follow him a good portion of his life, not weeks or months dear, but decades, or he may never change. My ex hasn't changed yet, the daughters see him more often than I and report that is so, as well as losing every girlfriend he makes cus they won't stand for the bad treatment so long. The reason males get away with mistreating, beating on and even in some instances older men sexually abusing young women is because they tend to scare easily, think they invited it somehow or did something wrong, etc and you have to hear it now that no matter how terrible a thing you might do, it NEVER, ever warrants a male treating you badly and what happened even to you, his staying away, the silence treatment, his hoping this will teach you to change who you are, to baby him, fawn over him, keep saying he is the only man for you, keep your sight down, looking at your feet for the rest of the time you are with him, so there can be no accidental meeting of eyes or your gaze going past another guy you aren't even really looking at. I have seen older abused women who are always saying 'I am sorry' for little stuff like reaching a garbage can before me and tossing in her trash before me while I wait and she says I am sorry over and over' She has learned to say that and it is now a habit, in order to hopefully stop the male from erupting in anger which doesn't work most of the time. I know. I had to learn to tune myself out while my ex was angrily insulting me and having a talk of how things should go. This is an escape mechanism people like me create so that we can preserve ourselves. In such situations, I never heard any words, and still looked calm when he was done, and just that was enough to get him going again, the fact he had not been able to disturb my peace, how i feel about myself. My stress with him went to my body in sickness. Once I left him, all of that disappeared. I hope to save you having to go through all this. So either you trust me, be happy he is gone and learn how to become self confident or other men will try to do the same, they always look for easy prey, act nice in the beginning and then stuff like what you are experiencing starts and snowballs into a living hell. to practice on confidence, I can share how from a magazine article I once read long ago and tried what it said and was shocked when it worked. It worked so well, I was continually shocked for a while until I got used to how I was being treated differently by people. Young males make plenty mistakes except for an exceptional few you can practically count on your fingers. They usually learn what they have done wrong in the past and are ready to be great bf's and husbands by time they reach their late 20s or early 30s. Before that, you can count on them to mess up royally a lot. You can decide to not act so desperate for a guy, as that also signals they can get away with crap cus you'll tolerate as long as they stay with you. This is long enough so write to me if you want a synopsis of the confidence info but you must look up advicegivers, find my name, dragonflymagic and write to ask from my page. Its the only way I have to get it back to you since we don't really know who each other is. Good luck dear.

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Age:17
Gender: Female
Question: Why did i orgasm when i got raped?

Hey guys . Recently I got raped, but I still orgasmed. Even though I really didn't want to. I don't know what happened, one moment I was protesting, the next i orgasmed. I don't know what is wrong with me. I hated it so much, yet my body enjoyed it. I feel so guilty and annoyed with myself. I thought as soon as h finished he would leave but he wouldn't stop until i reached climax and eventually orgasmed. Even then he went in for a few more rounds, leaving me in pain. I wish i could erase thy moment from my head. I wish it never happened. What do i do?

First, I back everything solidadvice4teens wrote you.
Second, I'd like to give an analogy regarding an answer on 'why did i orgasm'.

When you accidentally touch something hot, you pull your hand back in a split second, or a quarter of one second, your brain not able to remember having the thought of 'react to prevent getting hurt badly'. That is a protective self interest all humans are born with. Our body will react to danger but separately from what is going through your brain. Thus, you can expect the brain to hate what is happening at the same time your bodys natural instincts react. You did nothing to cause it to happen and what he did is still rape. Especially forcing you when you said no. That is rape.

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Hello. I am not sure how to do this so I will just ramble and hopefully there will be some good advice even if I don’t ask the right questions. I appreciate any honest opinions and advice.
I am 18 and freshman in college. I am straight and raised traditional Catholic. I do have a girlfriend (five years now) but she is smarter than me and going to school at Notre Dame in Indiana and I go to school locally in St. Louis. I could give more details on that if you want, but not sure if they are relevant.
The issue is my roommate. Let’s call him Trevor (not his real name). Trevor is totally and fearlessly gay. He likes dudes and he does not hide it. He talks about guys he likes, or guys he met, or guys we see on TV, and how hot they are. Sometimes it is way too much information for me which he can tell and thinks it is funny to blow my mind.
I know some gay dudes can act and seem straight, but not Trevor. He reminds me of that heavy set character on Modern Family. Anyway, he is just like loud, enthusiastic, and dramatic all the time. And, he is genuinely funny. I find myself laughing all the time at his inappropriate shock humor or whatever you want to call it. He is also incredibly generous, friendly, and always complimenting people.
And yet, I find myself struggling a lot with homophobic feelings. I am used to being around straight and masculine friends, mostly athletes. Trevor is nothing like that. I find myself cringing inside when we are in public and he is like calling attention to us saying overtly gay things and acting effeminate. A lot of the time he is just joking around, but that is kind of just who he is. What makes it worse is he is so loud and he talks to everyone. To be honest, he needs a reality TV show of his own.
He introduces me to literally everyone we run into (like a drive though cashier the other day) as his “cute straight friend” and “cute straight roommate” and make jokes with other people about checking me out when I am not looking and giving me “bro jobs” and crap like that. I don’t think he actually spies on me (with one exception below) and we have not remotely done anything sexual, but he just likes to joke about it. I admit I get embarrassed by it. If I get red in the face that becomes like a joke too.
It is not like I am trying to meet and date girls and afraid he is interfering with me getting female attention, but I do find myself feeling worrying what other people think when we are together. I also feel guilty for feeling that way.
I certainly do not hate him. I don’t hate anyone (except maybe Hitler or something). I think my homophobia is more like just feeling weird and uncomfortable and not knowing how to deal with certain situations. I feel like I have been thrown in the gay culture pool and nobody taught me how to swim and I am freaking trying to act all chill but inside wondering how I got in this situation.
I reject people being violent and hateful. That is why cancel culture is so bogus. We live in America and people are free to do and think what they want in my opinion. It is certainly not Christian to judge or hate on others. I have even stuck up for him before when jerks started some crap when his mouth ticked them off. He seems to have a habit of finding rednecks and know how to trigger them or something. He literally hides behind me when things get serious. Sometimes I don’t even know what he said or why the person is threatening him. Thankfully, nothing has gotten to more than shoving and trash talk.
For what it is worth, my GF thinks it is hilarious I have a gay roommate and he follows me around like a puppy dog and I end up being his protector when he starts commotion. They actually talk and text each other now. That is another weird thing but maybe another question for another day.
So, I guess the question is how do I manage having a gay roommate under the circumstances?
He is not making passes at me or some dilemma like that. He compliments me and comments on my looks and tells me what to wear and stupid crap like that, but he never actually tries to do anything inappropriate. The weirdest thing is he will follow me to the shower room and talk to me while I am showering. He is fully clothed just chatting me up while I take a shower in front of him and try to act like this normal. I guess that is harmless. I can see how something more aggressive from a gay roommate would be a problem for some dudes.
My situation is more my own internal struggle with conflicted feelings about not approving of a homosexual lifestyle in principle but being decent to him as a friend and human being. Also, how do I deal with my own feelings of awkwardness when he behaves the way he does in public? I can put up with the chattering and in your face humor in our room (although it blows my mind and is way too much information sometimes), but I end up being put in difficult situations when he is that way in public.
And before you say, get a new roommate, that is not an option. He is my legit friend now and I am not trying to bail on him. He has told my GF he was afraid I would ask to switch roommates at the beginning he is glad he got lucky with me. That made me feel guilty as well (cause I did think about it at the beginning). But now, I just don’t know what to think or do sometimes. I appreciate any advice.

You say this is more your own internal struggle. I'm not so sure about that. Try to imagine a straight friend acting like him, saying things, not gay stuff but other controversial things to get people upset and then hide behind you when other people get angry. That is not normal behavior for anyone no matter their sex, sexual preferance, skin color, age or political leanings. He is just looking for trouble. I have a feeling he does this stuff on purpose, cus he is lonely, hurt, maybe rejected by parents. I say this because its proven that children raised by neglectful parents will act up and do wrong things, just to get any attention, even bad attention. So this guy is going to have to move towards the middle a bit, be his outgoing funny self but not rile up strangers or try to embarrass his frriends in public.

As for you, I used to attend a church that was against the gay culture and believed it was a choice to be that way. Hmmm, interesting info cus Farmers of livestock have known for ages that there will always be a male sheep, goat or whatever that is male and trys to mount males. Since growing the flock is important, that one can't be used to that purpose so those animals are sold for meat. Good thing it doesn't go that far for humans. So tell me, do you believe a goat can make a conscious aware decision to go against the norm and be gay. No, only humans can do that. So why would animals do that? Apparently there are some differences an animal or human can be born with. The visual differences, we are more familiar with like Downs syndrome, an amputee in wheelchair, and the multiple strange rare diseases that children are born with every day. So, you dont have to worry that he is doing wrong regarding the church and so. Blessings.

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Hello. I am currently a high school senior attending an international school in South Korea. I wanted to ask for some relationship advice because I have quite nobody to talk to about this...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for ten months now. He is the sweetest guy; never cheated or looked at other girls, buys me gifts, writes me letters, facetimes me a lot, helps me improve my confidence, gives me great life advice, etc. A lot of people talk to me about how they see that my boyfriend really loves me. Even the teachers were like "You guys could get married one day."

Although I really do enjoy the good parts of our relationship and we really love each other, not everything can be perfect. And the problems I'm facing right now are emotionally affecting me a lot.

The biggest issue is that my parents don't like him. When we first started dating, a lot of people would see us hugging each other or cuddled with each other, sometimes giving each other a little kiss in the school lounges. But because our campus is smaller, the middle schoolers would complain about how "annoying it was" to the school counselor. That darned counselor called my mom twice to complain about that. She has a reputation of being obnoxious and hypocritical, so she most likely stretched the story to make it bigger than it seems. My mom was FURIOUS. She reprimanded me and said that we shouldn't even be holding hands in school and hugging each other is unforgivable. She dislikes my boyfriend mainly because of this incident. It's not like we were having intercourse or making out in front of 20 people; we just hugged and leaned on each other a lot. Were we so wrong for doing something that every other high schooler does?

Although our economic statuses are similar, I grew up much more comfortably than him. His biological dad died when he was in primary school after divorcing his mom, who was financially struggling. My boyfriend lived with his grandparents for most of his childhood, so he says doesn't really remember his biological dad. He has a stepdad and a mom with mildly successful restaurant businesses and their family seems to be happy (I met his family and they were very nice to me, the mom really likes me too). I talked to my parents about this and they said "You can NEVER marry him. He has too many family issues. His mom is going to be very dependent on him and you when you guys are married and it will wear you out." My dad once told me "You guys are going to break up some day and you will come crying to me about how I was right. Go date a better looking guy." My mom told me about five times now "You can NEVER marry him. You should date about three guys before marriage. His family is too messed up." I told my boyfriend about my mom saying this stuff and he got irritated. He said that my parents know nothing about his family (which is true, they've never met) and that me listening to her words and telling him about it says that it makes me too dependent on other people. My mom apologized for saying stuff like this and admitted that she is thinking too far ahead. But that doesn't change the fact that if we ever decide to get married in like twelve years, my parents won't be pleased . I know I am thinking too far ahead but going through all of this drama with my parents just makes me so hopeless and insecure with this relationship.

Another big obstacle placed on our relationship right now is that he is a junior and I am a senior. I am going to college in the United States next August, which means we have to do long distance for at least a year until he graduates too. But even after graduation, there is no guarantee that we will go to college in the same state. He might even enlist in the Korean army, which takes up about 2 years before he heads to college in the States as well. After graduating college, he said he wants to work in the USA while I want to work in Korea. We don't talk about this much often and he says he's not too worried about it because we communicate well and love/trust each other (this is true). However, this is coming up real fast. Everyone around us said that long distance relationships don't work and I'm so scared.

I feel like everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do about it. I really love him so much and I know he does too. He really is a hard working, talented guy with a mindset mature than most kids in our school and I see him being successful in the future. I can clearly picture a happy future with him. We've never broken up once in the ten months but I'm so emotionally unstable that I feel like I depend on him too much sometimes. I don't know what to do. Is this relationship going to fall apart? What can I do to save it or make this situation better? Please help me.

From what I've picked up on LDRs, (long distance relationships)it is true that generally LDR's do not work. However, that statistic is more for those who have never met in person, only on the net. Those who are together, dating or married when one goes off on mission in the military, the only way to keep in touch is via the internet and having an LDR with their sweetie. If dating and one moves away to another place and they are now separated by long distance whether the same or other country, that couple still has the experiences together to work as a glue to hold that relationship together. One thing you can't tell over the computer with someone you haven't met in person is whether you both have that sexual chemistry together which can only be determined by being in each others presence. Now the things you don't want to hear but must as they are also true. You can change alot as a person from now as teens to who you are in five years or your later 20s. This change is why High school buddies find themselves drifting apart due to major changes in each persons beliefs, traits, etc... I have a girl friend from school who not being with me but another state, can only make judgements based on what she sees on Facebook. So right now, to her, I am a Heathen and she feels she needs to save my soul and she couldn't be further from the truth.

So change in each person can happen in an LDR too. The other issue is that even if both do not want anybody else in their life, the only persons they can interact with in person are those local, around them. This means that both of you are left open to slowly being enticed by another person locally who may be as great a person as lets say your boyfriend. So you now have one great guy long distance and one nearby. It doesn't take much for you to turn to the local one in times of worry, grief, upset, but also loneliness. It can happen to you as easy as it can happen to him. And an LDR will help that along.
Lastly, not related to an LDR, but you mentioned being emotionally unstable. I don't know what you meant by that, whether you see a psychologist and are on medication or whether you mean you are more of a touchy-feely type person and tend to pick up on the emotions of those around you and end up emotionally all over the place, or you tend to not trust easy, worry alot and have emotional ups and downs mainly due to causing it yourself. the issue if you are really bad off emotionally is that any relationship will be imbalanced. Normally in math, two halves make a whole. But it doesn't work that way with couples. If anything is holding one person back mentally or emotionally and that person struggles to be whole, without any problems, they tend to lean on the stronger one of the two. But that in time takes its toll on the stronger one, weakening them, or taking so much of their personal energy, they can end up neglecting themselves or even if they never meant to, they end up resenting their partner for the situation. So if you really have an issue that may need counseling, I would advise getting that taken care of now so you wont have to worry of this issue. If you think you are emotionally having problems because of what your parents have been saying about him now and since junior high, then that hon, should just be stress you are feeling. When stress gets too bad, it can lead to depression which needs treatment. But if that is all you are speaking of, I wouldn't say, based on that alone, that you have any mental/emotional problems.

Time wise, if I understand correctly, you will be away at a 2 or 4 year college. If 4, with him needing 1 year to graduate and 2 years in military, thats 3 of your 4 years in college, and he wants to work in the U.S., then you both have only your 4th yr of college to see each other sometimes because once you graduate, you plan to go to Korea. Unless both of you plan to go live where one of you gets a high paying stable job, no matter which country, then the other moves to the same country and looks for a job. It will have to be a compromise and like you said, these times are coming up quickly. Whatever decision you make, you will have to live with the consequences which could mean never seeing each other again. If you two can't come up with a decision now, it won't be easier later. So have a Plan A, but if certain things fall apart, then have a second Plan, plan B to use if the first isn't feasible now.
I am a parent and so I can only imagine what your parents have against him. Likely, that person who called them, made things sound worse than actually. But that coupled with any parents fear of their girls ending up pregnant is a big fear, because as adults, even if we didn't do that, we have known plenty of people who did and how it ruined their schooling, maybe delayed or no college, having a child to care for so likely just grabbing any low pay job to survive, and parents knowing that more than likely they will be helping you out financially for a long time, until you can find a man who will marry you if you already have a child. Yes, that whole bundle of what ifs, is what parents will think about. You may know you have enough will power to not have intercourse, but generally, adults only know for sure how strong those urges felt when they were the same age or fellow students ended up pregnant. Now that you are older, you are soon an adult,or already there. Most countries have 18 as the general age when a person is considered an adult. Exceptions I saw listed on the web mentioned 17 in N. Korea. So be sure of that age. Once you are of age, and can financially take care of yourselves, you can do whatever you want to do and do not need to follow parents wishes. And parents no longer have a right to dictate what you do and don't do. The only option left to them is that they lay down the laws of what happens under their roof if you are living with them. So if you can't afford to live on your own or they are helping pay for schooling, you may not want to rock the boat until you or you and your sweetie can afford a place of your own together. Another thing that parents and others will have concern over is any relationships happening while the person is still young and impressionable. First loves tend to be . . .just that, a first love meaning there is a second or third, or until the perfect mate is found. Most young people are not mature at all in their thinking and reasoning, not to their fault but the frontal lobe of the brain developing maturity long after your body does. According to scientists, it is generally thought to take as long as mid twenties or a bit longer before a person is mentally at a mature enough place physically to make the best decisions in life.We all make decisions that don't pan out and we hopefully learn from them. But a big decision like who we end up marrying, will worry every parent. Or we have heard how many marriages that start early, end up in divorce. However, I know also that like myself at your age, I was more mature in all ways from my fellow students, exception for knowledge that can only be obtained from experience or studying books on human behavior and relationships. I didn't do anything to learn there and suffered by marrying at age 20 to a man who was involved in his church like me, sounding like a safe bet but he was verbally abusive behind closed doors and would humiliate me in public. You and he may be two that go against the way of the majority. I do believe that people can end up marrying their childhood sweetheart. But the statistics of those relationships even happening, are very low. In fact, I do not know of anyone from High school who married their partner from school. I only know one gal who had a baby before graduating but did not marry the father of the child. She married someone else as she got older and saw what she really needed and wanted. I can only give you information to mull over and make your own decisions on. If you feel so strongly about this young man, you have to decide if that love is not just a love of some of his attributes, but that you are in love with him, unconditionally, which would mean, you'd feel a part of you missing if you couldn't be together. Thats how I feel about my second husband. Our love is so strong and real, that we want to be together at all times, retired now so we have that time. I remember a movie, I think it was 'Letters to Juliet" in which two people did not marry their young sweethearts and wondered and regretted it all their lives. Then when they both became widowed or single again, as older people, found each other again to finally be a couple. It can feel like years wasted on the wrong person and only ones retirement years with the right person finally. Thats what I feel. So make the best decision you can to be together or not and if your decision doesn't work out, such as having problems together even if you marry, then comes the decision to divorce or not. But enough of thinking way ahead.

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My brother and I (btw, I'm a girl) have always been best friends. We're only a year apart in age and have no other siblings, so maybe that's to be expected. We also attend the same high school and even have a class together.

So what's the problem? I've come to realize that I harbor romantic and sexual feelings for my brother. I tried to hide this at first but my bro can always tell when something's going on with me, so he asked me what was up. So I told him. And he confessed that he has the same kind of feelings for me.

We both know we can't act on these feelings and that this whole situation is EXTREMELY messed up. Still, the temptation is there. I think we should both get help before we do something we might regret, but how? There's no way we can talk to mom and dad about this for obvious reasons. So what are we supposed to do? Any advice anyone may have would be greatly appreciated.

First, thank you for reaching out. Since I don't know all details for your family regarding the pandemic, I can only answer in general some reasons why this may be happening. If your family is a close knit family to begin with before the pandemic, then having any variety of the issues that go along with may have thrown you both together more. There was the time of lockdowns when stuck in same house together, many schools either doing a rotating schedule to attend or kids/teens having to stay home and do school remotely. This shuts down the ability to just hang with other teens, where you might have been able to meet and date other partners. Another thing most people don't think of is that often on a subconscious level, we start looking at the traits and personality of many people out there in the world, noting what attributes you like best and then seek that out in a gf, bf or future spouse. This is natural and starts mostly at puberty like it did for me. Its not all based on a persons looks though that is a big part. The way a marriage should be, and this is to help explain further why it may be happening to you both, is that a solid foundation for a successful partnership is based on two things only. But unfortunately, people get together when only one of them is present for them. One is being each others best friend or a close friend. The other is being each others sexual equal. This takes some explaining to do, but one way to say it is that both like the same things, and both have the same libido, meaning both have a slow or fast libido, which is how often the two have sexual relations. I know this doesn't fit the answer you are looking for but a body and mind will do this with anyone, including parents who may have the attribute you find yourself wanting in a partner. It doesn't mean you actually have sex with them but you are drawn to a person by more than their looks.

Okay, now for you both, I want you to know that due to circumstances, and possibly being attracted to certain things about the other, there is no way you could have prevented developing feelings, but to not feel like terrible people for it happening. You will of course want to take whatever precaution helps best for you two. I am not sure if counseling will help if your situation doesn't change soon with the pandemic and all. If you call the family Dr and go see him/her for an appt. all this can be kept private from the parents even though you are on their insurance. This is part of HIPPA rights even for teens, so that info can't be shared with the parents so matter what. The other option might be each of you going to the parent of the same sex and telling them, as its easier to do than you talking to your Dad about it. I know it may be TMI for parents and they can freak out. But the two of you have done nothing wrong by having this physiological feelings come up, especially during the uncertain times we have now. I am not saying it is okay to move forward and have a couples relationship. But looking back in history, when there were fewer people on the earth and fighting and protecting ones Kingdom, often young folks were married off to other family, cousins usually but I would be surprised if in lack of cousins to marry that to keep a Kingdom in the family, that brothers and sisters married. With todays knowledge and medical advances, we know that genetically any children from such couplings, tend to be born with genetic problems, whether mental, or downs syndrome or physical abnormalities. There is enough evidence of this happening often enough that people eventually were
banned from marrying any blood relations. That is the reason for the taboo. I understand you don't want anything happening and fear your will to not do it, will be over run at some point and what you fear will happen, only for both of you to feel guilty later. BTW, I am in early sixties, not some kid giving advice, but someone grandma age who has experienced enough in life to know if I were your grandma, I would like to know, or even your Mom, once past the shock factor, to step up and help you both. If each parent was told by one of you, and you may share my response here, it would enable them as parents to parent you through this, not punish you for as I've said before, you are merely victims of the current world wide situation. If I had that issue with male and female children, I would not make a big deal but thank them for reaching out and asking for help. The parents can talk and now being aware of whats going on, will do what they can to make sure the two of you are not left home alone together, and keep track closer of where each of you are at any given time, while you are going for counseling. I can't say counseling will help alone. But on the bright side, as close as you too are, that can come in very helpful in both of you finding your first bf, gf and later spouses. there is much to learn about how different the opposite sex is and many misunderstandings and anger at ones partner when the differences aren't understood. Its as simple as knowing whether someones actions mean they are interested in you, or a guy becoming distant from you without explanation, only to protect you from less hurt emotionally but the distancing makes it worse for the female. I have experienced that with two men in my lifetime, so that one is very valid. Each of you will be able to be the others 'wingman' so to speak. Still able to be close, but helpful to each other in finding good mates. The time to practice and discover what you like about another person is now, before you get to college age or after. Too many start the search without any info, knowledge, studying or practice dating others. I hope something can be resolved for you. Best wishes.

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Hello..
I'm 32 years old, in a relationship for 1 year and almost half..
i am a person who is so jealous and doubts everything, not just in relationships also in life..
I question everything, search for reasons till i get satisfied.
I go through my BF accounts which he doesn't know..he says if you will do it do it infront of me, and honestly till now i couldn't find anything that triggers my thoughts but i keep doing it anyways, i know i should stop or at least try to fix myself.
But..1 week ago when i was checking again i found that he was flirting with this lady that they work together.. ( he's a head chef and the lady is a Pastry chef ).
That he wants to see her and he won't go to the venue if she wasn't there.. things like this.
he came home and i confronted him what i did and he didn't reply back, we had something similar to thisand he deleted the messages which i found out later, he told me it's because thelady sending him kisses he didn't want me to see it..i packed, left the house and 1 week i'm in a big mess, heartbroken and disapointed .. Drinking, Crying getting support from friends..
later i saw she shared a story in his car, and he told me it wasnt the first time that she was in his car and he was only helping her to go to HR for her paperwork.
Of course didnt believe.. and then fights were more and more.. Finally i told hold him this can't go any further, and we have to end it.
Later that day he came and he started to kiss me telling me let's put this behind us i didn't do anythimg wrong to you, nothing was or will be between us, and be happy forever.
he's denying it.. I don' know maybe really nothing happened, but all the facts.. the flirting, deleting messages so i don't find out..
Just doesnt make sense .

what should i do now..
anything will help..
Thank you.

You have told us what your problem, jealousy and doubting everything. Does your boyfriend know this? He needs to know. If he knows and is in love with you, he will want the best for you, for you to be able to live without the doubts. This would mean your seeing a psychologist. However I wouldnt recommend seeing just anyone. I think its been at least 40 years or so that the mental health industry has known of a better, more effective way to treat humans but no one tells you or gives you a choice. The two choices are a Dr. who diagnoses you and writes a prescription for medicine or the Dr. who has training in the newer better method of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. This isn't just for people with real mental health diseases but the average person who gets distorted thoughts sometimes and people either dismiss it in their mind for good or keep dwelling on it at which point they develop a habit of thinking distorted thoughts that lead to the kind of behavior you are finding you can't stop. This is a very common situation for people. You sound like a great candidate for this type of therapy as there is no drugs involved and no need for drugs in the majority of people taking drugs because CBT is what they really needed and still don't have. Thats how common it is but folks aren't getting cured, just masking it with drugs. The Psychologist I want to share with you is David D. Burns. He at first did not believe it would work but a colleague got him to try it on his patients and a good amount of them never made it to an appt with him because they were given a book to read while waiting that mentioned CBT and several subjects it worked on. And they were feeling good before they even made it to the appt. That Dr. now trains others Dr.s in that and one other method for the few stubborn cases. He also wrote books and has a website,
https://feelinggood.com/

Now about your guy and whether you really stumbled on to anything for real or not. If innocent, I don't blame him for wanting to hide anything on his phone, even if innocent, because males will fear a females reaction of tears and suspicion and not trusting and asking a bunch of questions about something that never happened. I didn't know this stuff when I was young but learned as I got older. Had to divorce cus 1st husband was verbally abusive and had just started to push me around as well so I ended it. The man I found using a dating site, is a wonderful person and I feel treated like a princess. Of course I had learned what to look for, what were real red flags. I met a handful of guys who were really bad news. Made themselves sound good so when meeting at a coffee shop, or with a couple, two dates later, they showed their bad traits, lying to my face, bigoted, racial slurs used, anal retentive personalities and more that is bad in relationships. Dropped them quickly. You need a self confidence that you are desirable to men and a true personality that reflects that, not just faking it as I did sometimes back in my past. No one knew what I was going through. When I finally worked up the guts to leave I checked with every female I knew in a company of 200 and was shocked when I told them I was leaving an abusive relationship and needed a place to stay, first day, off the bat, around a dozen women all told me they had done the same thing years ago. I would never have thought that. They seemed well adjusted and many had remarried someone better. Back to confidence, I read an article about a test done in one of the big Universities to see what drew mens interest in the end, beauty or confidence. People tested knew they were doing a test but didn't know what it was for. Yet all the needed data was picked up from the waiting room. Men drifted over to talk to the gorgeous model type women but in time were tired of their lack of confidence and drama so they checked out the women who were average, like the girl next door but had confidence. Tests proved men are attracted to confidence. Here is how I showed I had it. When I first met at a coffee shop, I told the guys that this was a process yet, I was meeting men to see who would be the best person for me for the rest of my life and I was an open book, they could ask anything, I would hide nothing and I expected the same from them. I also advised them of what boundaries rules I had. Conducted it much like an interview for a job, however for job of boyfriend who wished to marry. When a woman asked for what she wants, 90 % of men will think nothing of it, and many will be very attracted, due to the confidence, cus I know I don't look like a model which is fakey anyways and not how normal women look. I knew the difference between somebody loving me or being in love with me. I learned what two things must be in place for a new relationship to work... being each others best friend and being each others dream lover. Most people are married to only one or the other and those relationships are not good. Yes, there are lots of bad guys out there, cheating, lying or whatever. But I give guys the benefit of the doubt without hunting for anything bad. Heres an example. Early in relationship with 2nd husband, he was up one Sat morn long before me. When I got up he was at the computer. He had a site up that had nude pics of women. I was not upset. I calmly asked him what he was looking at though it was obvious. But I found it was good to ask because it was quite different from the reason he was looking. He had always let me sleep in and didnt want to wake me though he wanted sex and I am very acommodating. He told me that he had been looking for women who had my shape of body, especially the boobs. He excitedly told me he found two and brought then on screen. I said that yes, their bodies looked much like mine. The only reason he was looking at strange women was because he didn't have nude sexy shots of me to do so with so he didn't have to wake me which he wouldn't anyhow. I said, if I posed for you, would that help out? He was surprised and didn't think I really meant it. But soon he had his collection of pics of me. To this date, a favorite of his is the opening pic on his phone, a shot of me front behind, sitting on a big rock by a river where it was private and I could take off my top. With my long hair the only thing to really see, and he treasures that although this wasn't part of the original sexy poses. I could have raised mmy voice and demanded what he was doing looking at porn and he would likely have shut down and not told me anything because I was angry. My hubby is really obese now, only had a little extra weight when we met. He still has women ooo and ah over him when he lets his long hair hang dry as it will turn into big fat ringlets and women everywhere seem to go gaga over it. He tells me how it happened at the Dr.s office visit recently. He is polite and treats women all very well, saying yes Mam which he got from growing up in the south. But he also will say, My lady, which isn't a term claiming a woman but simply giving a voice to her position as a woman. No one ever thinks he is flirting with them except one woman. She was a cashier and had seen us waiting our turn, and when it came and we were closer, he noticed her earrings with beautiful stones cus he is much into quality jewelry. The moment the compliment was paid her head swiveled to catch my eyes and she looked terrified, thinking I would erupt in jealous rage. I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from laughing. A few good men are like that. They treat women good, their mom, sisters, female friends, neighbors. Many men only want something in return, and won't help. Maybe your guy is like that, truly helping a woman. She knows now he is not after her but makes a good male friend to get his perspective on other males. I always had that, a male friend I could talk to until I met my husband who talks as freely and as much as me so I have someone to confide in. The only difference is he has no romantic feelings in his heart for these women, simply wanting to treat each one the way we deserve, not the way men think of us or talk to or treat us these days. If your guy is like that, he may not be doing anything wrong and if your non trusting goes on too long, it will drive him away. So get help for yourself first.

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I’ll try to be as brief as possible, but recently I’ve been having pain on the left side of my mouth when chewing, and I made an appointment with the dentist about it. I had been told before that a tooth on the bottom left in the back was in a bad shape, I think it was that the filling for it was probably going to eventually break or something. I’m in graduate school and really short on money so I had to put that off for now. When I saw the dentist, he looked at my teeth for less than a minute and said I would need root canal and a crown. He said the root canal alone would cost $800, and my insurance (I’m currently on Medicaid) wouldn’t cover either procedure. I had no idea what I was going to do, and leaving me with several unanswered questions, he kicked me out after seeing him for less than 5 minutes.

I called the phone number for insurance and they told me that both a crown and root canal would be covered, they just needed a request from an in-network dentist, and the dentist I saw was. So this seemed to contradict what the dentist told me. I’m actually also not sure now if it’s the bottom tooth that’s the problem, and I think the pain might actually be from a tooth on the top row. I’m really reluctant to go back there, so I tried to find another dentist to see on short notice, but the only one in my immediate area isn’t seeing anyone until a week from now.

The biggest problem is I’m finishing classes this month, and plan to drive from Pennsylvania to Illinois to stay with family while I look for work, which is something I’m already really worried about because I’ll be driving through the Midwest for several days in a 20 year old car in December. My insurance also told me root canal and a crown would only be covered in-network, so I'd have to pay for it entirely if done out of state, so I need to take care of this soon. I really wanted to leave around the 16th (when classes end) at the latest due to worries about snow, so I really don’t know what I’m going to do. Should I just try to see another dentist? The only ones I could find in-network are over an hour away and have 3 star ratings on Google, but I don't know if those ratings really mean much.

You mentioned medicaid so I am going to think you are a senior citizen. I am close to having to do that myself. My father in law told us that all the root canals he had and had to pay part of, were a waste of money and time. Basically, there came a time when he needed a second root canal and was told it was cheaper to pull the bad tooth, let the gums heal and then get fitted for a bridge with the fake tooth, attached to good teeth nearby. So pulling a tooth might be the fastest way to go. I have plenty root canals and if any bug me, I will do the same and just pull the tooth. Lots of dentists will save early morning appts for emergencies so they can always take someone. I got in for one of those, called and they saw me the next morning, and I have Obama Care so its nothing fancy. Recheck with insurance for all the dentists in your area if you decide to have it pulled, because getting in for a root canal emergency is not something that is set up for emergency. I once needed a root canal while out of state, no warning and I knew I'd have to pay. Saw a regular dentist who took out the old filling, cleaned out any decay inside, didn't do the roots put a new filling in and told me this was the best that could be done as an emergency to take care of the pain and should last a few months, long enough for me to plan on getting it redone properly later. So you probably wont be able to get insurance to pay for that, even if in network. But that is the only way I can think of pushing off the inevitable and having a full root canal with cap done. Having a regular dentist do some work to help you get by for a couple months and do check with insurance yourself to be sure which Drs they cover, I don't go just by a Drs. ref to a specialist. I can't think of anything else. Hope that helps and you can find a dentist who feels sorry for you and will do the work, but again that would have to be off insurance since it isn't a proper way to fix a tooth needing root canal. Maybe family and friends can help you in this pinch financially or a go fund me page, pay now and make a few payments. I paid a sum down and 2 more payments later to pay in full and it was not as bad as paying for root canal.

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I am 27 my BF 27.
I am in a long distance relationship for five years. We see each other 2/3 times a year. My boyfriend is very caring and nice. And off course I trust him a lot.
A few months back a saw a girl commenting on few of his post. and by her comment it seems like they chat sometimes. She always reacts with love react to his post. and sometimes comments praising his singing.
Now my BF has other female friends, they are his classmates and colleagues. And I am not insecure about them at all. But this girl is not his classmate or colleague.
Now I am not saying that he is having something with her. Like I said earlier I trust him completely. But I don't know why I have this weird feeling that the girl has a crush on my BF and she is trying to impress him. Should I do something about it? It is bothering me a lot. I didn't ask my bf about the girl yet. Should I ask him? How can I ask him? or should I just ignore it?
BTW we don't share our couple picture online or post anything about our relationship online. As me and my BF both are very private person. Our close friends and family members know about our relationship. But we don't showoff online.

When I think back to what I knew about relationships back when i was in my early twenties, I thought I was relationship smart and doing okay but I was so naive and knew so little. Live an entire life and you learn something hopefully, I did. So I answer you from my experiences. After a divorce from first husband, I put up a dating profile, did some LDR but learned quickly it was a poor substitute for the real (in person) thing.

You did not mention if you met and had a relationship before he had to move. This would cover him going away to college or being away in the military. These are the only LDRs that have a fighting chance, relationships already set in person, knowing the chemistry is there. That is one thing I learned quickly that you can't feel over the internet. Yes, you can tell the persons sense of humor and basically how they think and express themselves, their beliefs and you can fall for that, but that, sadly is not the whole package. And even so, when parted, one or both partners can easily cheat. I would have to say that meeting someone on line can sound good, such as when I met my second husband on line. But no matter how trusting a person you are, there is no way to know for sure what a person is like until you can be with them in person in all sorts of situations so you see them at not just their best but their worst and can see for yourself how they handle that and treat you. You can not get that in an LDR. I had only put ad for a couple hours away, not anywhere in the world. I did this since I had learned how important it was to meet in person asap. Even though we talked every day for hours the first week, I found myself liking him more but at the same time worried there might not be any chemistry. You can think a guy is hot, want to make out with him, but that is not the chemistry I speak of. Yes, there has to be some chemistry to be attracted and want sex but I am speaking of way more, a best friend and lover who doesn't merely love you in return but is in love with you. Theres a big difference. So we met in person and when we hugged as we met in person, I could feel his energy swirl around us and it felt good. He was the gentleman and let me make any moves first so for first kiss and sex and I to make the first move and he was happy I did. He didn't hold back after that. I got to see how he was day in day out, 24/7 so even when he had a crummy long day, he never has taken it out on me like my abusive ex. Talking regularly to someone does not necessarily make a gf or bf. That person is nothing more than an acquaintance, someone you met and like enough to be friends but that doesn't always jive with the more complicated nuances of a lover/mate/partner relationship.
I know you said you trust him. But honey, if you really did, and I know again from experience, you wouldn't have written us about this in the first place. Sorry, not trying to be mean or anything, just sharing what I know to be true, pulling from my experiences. I know that there will always be a sliver of doubt as to your standing with him, how important you are to him. Feeling you have stopped looking for 'the one' cus you feel its him but not sure he also feels 'you're the one' for him. A person can share any words they want. Words are cheap and empty without action behind them. So the I love you's and I promise I never did ... are only words until the person uttering them goes those extra steps to show it to you, not to make you believe them but because they want to since they are hopelessly in love with you, with a unconditional love that makes all the difference.
I will explain that love now. Love is a word we apply to things we really like so much they are now a favorite like chocolate ice-cream, anything to do with Owls, flannel shirts, etc... Unconditional love means they love who you are on the inside as well as what you look like. There is no condition from a partner saying if you gain too much weight, its over, or if you look at another person its over, you don't agree with me on some things so its over, it is so easy to react in a negative way if we allow our minds to be rigidly set with a list of items which if they change, you leave or divorce. An LDR does not give you the confidence you need to have 100 % trust. Even if he was the kind of guy a woman could trust in, his trustfulness can't be conveyed over the internet.

As for asking him questions, it all depends if he is very open with you or still very private and might be offended by all the asking. If you must ask, do NOT text or write him the questions. You must do so by phone so he also gets the benefit of hearing the tone of your voice. Your tone of voice conveys your feelings and has an impact on how people react to you. The ultimate is being in person when the body language is also available to be seen. A same phrase said once in a bored or angry tone will mean something totally different than the phrase said in a teasing, happy, cheerful tone. There are even surveys that have been done on marriages and use of tone of voice. The results were that marriages with better tone of voice communication were the more successful lasting marriages. Thats how important it is and why so many younger people hooked on textings only, have such issues with relationships. My husband tells me often how much he loves me. The three simple words of "I love you" come with so much meaning in his tone of voice, one time adoring, one time going haywire with want, full of desire, unconditional love, especially when you are not looking your best so you know he loves you for you, not how you look, and you of course would need to do the same. I have always asked about other girls out of curiousity, never with a feeling that I might have to defend my place with him as the only female close to him. When those thoughts are in your head, it will come out in your voice. So when I saw him reading a profile of a gal on facebook, I look over his shoulder and ask, who's that, do you know her. He never hides anything, always sharing any time a woman may have interacted with him and often we share laughs about it. This is where you need to be with the guy who is right for you. My guy only wants me for his wife, no other woman. So when at a private New years party, the lady hostess got drunk and forced my husband to dance with her, I began to laugh really hard as my hubby can not dance due to his high functioning autism. He just cant as it drives him crazy. I wasn't jealous because I knew where I stood with him, he never stops telling me and hearing it so often followed by how he wants to spend time around me, lets me know where I stand. He's a big boy and can tell a lady 'no'. Once I was working evening shift at a fast food place. It would close soon, so he was there, waiting for me to get off work. As I am cleaning, I see a regular to the joint, go by and talk to him. She knew me, had seen him there before but didnt know we were married. Remember that with an LDR, I would not be able to benefit from what happened here. So as I am throwing trash in the cans, she is leaving and tells me she met a nice man here. I ask her who and she points to my husband. I laugh and say "He's my husband" but didn't add that he is naturally nice to all women but I can see he is not flirting. She reacts embarrassed, "Oh my God, I am so sorry. I just gave him my phone number." Shes leaves and I finish closing and when I go over to my husband to leave, he tells me, "You won't believe what happened but that blonde older woman who talked to you briefly, came up to me and just gave me her phone number. She had actually asked for help. She needed to be dropped off at a clinic in a few days for substance abuse and it wasn't on a bus route so she needed a ride. Then my hubby who is into semi precious and precious stones and jewelry, commented to a clerk once that he liked her necklace. She had seen us together and she never answered but her head swiveled to me with fear in her eyes, thinking I was about to erupt in jealous rage. This time I put my hand over my mouth to hide the fact I was inwardly laughing at the look on her face. Women get complimented on the their rings or other jewelry all the time and she was the only one so far who knew he was not flirting with her. Now if he complimented only them or hardly ever me, there would be a problem. By experiencing these situations together, my trust in him is always being strengthened. The only concern is that some people who don't know any better, will fall into doing something that benefits them without thinking of the other person they are supposedly with, in your case, you do not know that he could so easily date someone in person on his end cus you'd never know and you even though you wouldn't plan on doing that, could still meet someone you like far better than him and start a relationship in person with the guy who is local. People can have good intentions, but meet someone who is a better fit for them and then they would have to either pretend on line or fess up and end it. But asking him if she is interested in him that he knows of, may not get you the truth. He can say yes or no. Yes, but I am not interested in her, like I am with you. She's just a friend. Or NO shes not interested , when she really is, or definately a no if they have been dating and he wants to keep his options open.
I know you can't tell always after a few dates if someone is right for you. I met guys off the dating site, in person at a coffee shop, soon after talking on line, Usually in a weeks time. I have met a couple guys, one especially who looked like a male model just stepping out of a magazine. But both he and I never felt the chemistry when we kissed and did more so we parted ways. YOu can't force chemistry. So if its not there in the beginning, it won't be there later. I can't think of any other warnings to give you. You must do what you think will be best.

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Hi, I am from America.
And I've been feeling this way for a really long time about some of my friends that I hang out with frequently. I feel like an outsider among them, which is weird because i've known some of them since we were in middle school. The one friend from middle school in particular feels like a different person now from when we were both in middle school, she constantly wants to talk about politics and only ever seems to want to talk about herself in relation to a majority of the topics I bring up. She never used to be like this, but now I feel that I dislike a majority of what we talk about most of the time. It wouldn't be so bad, if I didn't feel like she was subtly belittling me. She sometimes brings up my ethnicity, but not in a way that I am comfortable with. It feels demeaning to me that she brings up a lot of negative stuff about my ethnicity, and I can't tell her to stop as she only does this around other people. I also feel that my friends never have my back, as they never stick up for me. I was once gone for three weeks and not one of them messaged me, this also relates when I am in need of help. This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does its really noticible and upsetting. I don't really want to hang out with them, but I feel that I won't be able to make any new friends if I distance myself from my friends. I've always had trouble making new friends, and I've spent long periods of time in the past when I didn't have any. Idk, maybe I'm overthinking it, as they are my friends.

So to rehash what you said, you realize that the people you call friends are not acting like friends. (I agree) And you are afraid you won't be able to make new friends.
So to find a solution for you, you'll need to ponder real hard why you believe you can't or won't make new friends. Some ideas may be that you don't feel good about yourself, that you are not likeable for some reason, have low self esteem, lack of confidence, are afraid of being alone, don't know how to meet new people, including how to talk to those unknown so you can possibly make new friends. I understand these reasons well since I used to be very shy and have social anxiety as a kid and early teen. I know now why I struggled so much back then. The reason is that even people without any mental illness will think negative thoughts such as 'I am not likeable, They will all tease or bully me, I am not brave enough to talk to new people and so on. I listened to my inner voice say those things and the issue was hanging on to those words and believing them and always thinking about things in a negative way instead of positive. So last yr in HS. I realized it was not just a problem of making friends but being able to navigate the adult world since I was graduating. So i prayed for an answer and got one. So if you bedlieve your issue is more of social anxiety, I have info to share with you, just ask. If its on self confidence, I have info I can share on that too. If the issue is more of knowing how to start up a conversation with someone you don't know, I have that too. Let me know what you believe the issues to be and I will share what you need, to work on and all the exercises to do are easy, so success and new friends are easily obtained. Please do not ask for info where you leave a rating. Its fine for a comment but I can't answer from there after 24 hrs from posting my answer. So go to my column for Dragonflymagic and write to me from my column, and only then can I answer you...cus thats how the system is put together.

I have info I can share on how to build

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