A quick note: If I answered a question and you have further questions for me, please include a URL link to your original question(s) so that I can be sure of what we're talking about. Questions that reference something we talked about a week ago that I can't quite remember are kinda hard to answer.
Welcome to my column.
I don't apologize for my answers. I speak to the audience, and in doing so I sometimes tell the audience things they don't want to hear or cant handle.
I believe in stands on principle. I believe that doing right for the sake of doing right is a good way to live. I believe in self awareness and encourage it in others. I offer the most unbiased viewpoint I have. And yes, I am only human.
Im going to tell you what I think you need to hear. You are not supposed to take what I say and follow it. You are supposed to take what I say and _think_about_it_
Oh, and feel free to ask me questions, but netspeak, ebonics, terrible grammar, and your teen angst about a crush will be ignored.
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Last Update: April 13, 2014
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ok i want to get my girlfriend a necklace and its 100$ and she said its way too much is it? we been goin out for two months now, but we knew each other for years, and we been good friends too and we been through a lot together, and i love her with all my heart. (link)
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The thought behind the gift is what matters.
Honestly, if you can afford it, buy it. Tell her that its not about the money its about the fact that you saw that necklace and you wanted to see it on her, and cost did not matter to you. Explain if you have to that money is not something you want to keep track of, and that you don't want her to think she has to spend equal money on you, because thats not what it is about.
Tell her that if you can do something for her, and you want to do it, you will. And that she shouldn't worry about it, because its just how you express that you care for her.
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Hey everyone. First, I'd like to apoligize in advanced if this is long. But this is something that has been bothering me for a while. So this year, I've noticed a change in me. I can't exactly pin point it. I seem to have a lot more confidence, my styles switches slightly, and I'm making lots of new friends. All of these sound good right? Well according to a 'friend' of mine, I appear to think I'm better then everyone else which isn't the case AT ALL. I don't like conceited people and I know I have nothing to feel superior about. The problem is, my idea of right and wrong has kind of switched and all though I'm still a good kid (I don't smoke or do drugs, or steal) things that used to make me feel guilty, don't bother me anymore. I don't have as much of a problem lying to my parents (we don't seem to get along that well anymore) and I hang around some kids that do bad things, even though I don't. I've noticed that one of my friends and I have grown a lot closer, but me and some of my old friends have started drifting apart. I don't really know who I am anymore and that scares me because I like to be in total control of things. I don't really have a specific question, I'd just like some assurance from people who have experienced things like this, and maybe some advice to help me stay grounded, and figure out who I am. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read/answer this! ♥ (link)
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Everyone changes. Often times these changes coincide with major life changes.
Going from 5th to 6th grade is common, as is going from 8th to 9th. These are times when you are going into a new atmosphere, new places, and they coincide with general changes in maturity.
Its going to happen to you again at 18, and probably again at 22. I'm past 22, and I am radically different from how I was at 18, which was radically different from how I was at 14. I like most of the changes, Ive grown and matured as a person.
You will probably go through the same things.
Lying to your parents is also normal. Parents are hard wired to think about you as a child. It makes them continually try to protect you, even as you become an adult. And at the same time, as you grow you will naturally separate from your parents and try to differ from them.
Its part of being human. I mean, imagine what the world would be like if parents and kids got along perfectly and everyone lived at home until they were married.
The same happens with friends. As you change, your friends do too. People you used to have lots in common with you dont any more. This is going to especially begin to matter as at 14 you are beginning to think about life, about the world, and to form you own opinions on life and how things do and should work. Often times these differences in how we see the world will bring us closer or separate us from those we cared about.
My best advice, is don't resist change. Its going to happen, and theres nothing you can do to stop it. Just try to stay focused on remaining a good person, keeping your morals in tact. You arent going to figure out who you are entirely for a long time, either. So don't spend too much time worrying about it. At 14 by the time you figure out who you are you will be 15, and you will be different. At 15 by the time you figure it out you will be 17. You don't really start catching up (at least from my experience) until past high school. Changes become slower and more gradual and more subtle as you get older.
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If you discovered that your drunken boyfriend had gotten a blowjob at a party from a stranger whose name he didn't even know, would you be bothered by this? I might add this was a couple of years ago, before we knew each other. He just admitted it to me and I've been weird about it ever since. I haven't even been able to talk to him. I can't get it off my mind. I've just totally lost respect for him for it. I realize people make mistakes but it's really bothering me. =/ He does regret it at least but still.
So..uh.. what's wrong with me? How can I stop holding this against him? Do I have a right to look down on him for this?
19/f
(link)
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No, you do not have the right to look down on him for this.
Everyone makes mistakes in their lives. Honestly, messing around that doesnt even lead to sex is not that big a deal, especially if it happened before you knew him.
This isnt something you should judge him for. This is something that you should deal with. You need to figure out why it bothers you exactly, and work on those emotions. He didnt take advantage of anyone, and to be honest if hes "admitting" this to you that means that hes probably a pretty good kid, if this is his "dark secret". Its pretty tame.
The past is the past. You should not judge someone on something that they did, especially if it appears that they learned from the experience and dont want to duplicate it. It sounds like hes not thrilled that he did that any more than you are.
If he had admitted to being a coke dealer or harming someone or something along those lines, it might be different. But even then, if someone recognizes and stops past bad behaviors and learns from them and grows as a person, that makes them better for the experience. He would not be the person you were attracted to if he hadnt been through the experiences he has been through, so having a problem with something he did when you don't otherwise have a problem with who he is makes no sense.
If anything you should respect him for being honest about his past and not trying to hide it from you. That shows that he cares and trusts you. Thats something you should treasure.
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Is giving a blowjob vegetarian? Because technically, semen is a human biproduct, yet, it's not as if I'm killing a human.... Just wondering... (link)
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Technically speaking, yes. The same way that milk is vegetarian.
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okay
im 15/f I liked this boy who asked me out one month and one week ago.We dated for a month and on our one month anniversary he dumped me.He said he loved me and he wanted us to be together forever.I finally said i loved him back.I am mad.I just can't understand what went wrong.I know i did nothing wrong.........So now what?
question is........Should I start dating and make him realize he was wrong and he'll miss me but still go out with the one that makes my ex jealous?Should I tell my ex how I feel but yet I want nothing to do wth him anymore?What do I do?
If there is anyone who can help great if not thanx anyways.
Hopefully he realizes Im the one he loves.
Signed,
Sis15 (link)
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You're 15 and it was a month long.
This will give you some good experience. Saying that you love someone and want to be together forever after less than a month is completely unrealistic. It takes years to fully get to know a person. I had an almost 3 year relationship end and I still didnt and don't know her ins and outs.
Love is fickle and shallow when you're young. You have never felt that knowing commitment, you dont have a frame of reference to place "together forever" in. Don't worry about it too much. Date other guys. Don't wait for him. Take what you learned in the relationship and apply it to someone new. Theres always someone new.
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it's better to fail at originality, then to succeed in imitation.
What does that mean? (link)
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Some people believe it is always better to do your own thing your own way than it is to do the same things other people do and succeed at them.
Its a statement of nonconformity, saying "I am not like everyone else and I like that, even if it doesnt work very well"
My personal opinion.
This is an immature statement. Saying youd rather fail at doing everything your own unique way rather than succeed at something other people do is stupid and short sighted. Everything you do has been done before in some form. Our lives are determined by history.
We drive cars because other people have driven cars for years. We go to school because everyone else has been doing it to learn and grow for years. We eat certain foods because they are available, they are available because people have been doing it for years. We dress however we dress because other people have been doing it for years.
You get the idea.
A good life has a balance of originality and conformity. Some things are better done keeping in mind that you are part of humanity. Some things are better done seeking your own individuality. Part of growing up is learning to keep the two things in balance so that neither dominates your life.
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Do you think it's wrong to change how you look or change you to make yourself more comfortable with yourself? (link)
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Man the first answer to this was priceless
"Changing yourself for you is where fashion and makeup came from"
Riiiight.
Anyway, its perfectly fine. If there are changes you want to make to be more comfortable with yourself, usually thats not a bad thing. Just beware of the trap of changing something you shouldnt for someone else.
Its a very bad situation to end up in, when you do things to make yourself acceptable to other people and start giving up little parts of who you are to do it.
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Okay background info first.
so I went to a show the other day, and there was some guy that needed an extra ticket. I had one, and let him have it really cheap, and I chilled with him the whole night, he picked me up the next night, I hung out with him for that whole night and stayed over there with my best friend. The next day I got to kind of know him, and we cuddled and made out. He's a really sweet guy, but the only problem is he lives a good 30 minute drive away, and I can't drive. Also doubt my dad approves of me dating a guy 3 years older than me. Right now i'm pretty limited to only seeing him at shows, or unless he comes and get's me on weekends. I guess what im trying to get advice on is making the decision of either going ahead and having a kind of long distance relationship where i'd see him about twice a week, wait for someone better to come along, or maybe convince my dad to be cool with it. another thing is, the only reason I hace some hope for a long distance with this guy is he is definetely not an asshole, I trust him, and I see him differently from any guy I've dated. (link)
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Twice a week is not a distance relationship honey. Once a month or less, thats true distance.
If you like him, try it out. Waiting for something better to come along only serves a purpose when theres nothing decent in front of you.
Dont tell your Dad for a while. Give the guy a shot.
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why do i always fall in love with the emo/gothic guys, it doesnt matter who they are or what they look like, i mean he could be the ugliest and fattest guy in the world and i will still fall for him. can anyone tell me why im in lvoe wiht all the emo/gothic guys?!? (link)
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Because you are young. You have no idea what you actually want in a man, and even if you did theres not a whole lot for guys who are around the age you are (Im guessing no older than 16) who offer more than appearance.
Your tastes will change as you grow up.
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ok so i am now 14 and i have been gettin weird feeling about my body and i have beenwanting to fingure myself and have sex. so the other day i fingured myself and i loved it. i did it for about 30 min. and then i had a guy do it. is that bad. (link)
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The feelings are normal. Everyone goes through them.
But part of learning to be an adult is control. Keeping those feelings contained until the proper moment.
I wouldnt let a guy you werent dating for a while have access. Theres nothing wrong with playing with yourself (actually, I suggest it, as it keeps you sane and makes it easier to not do things with guys) but it is a known fact that if guys find out that they can get things sexual from you with little effort, they are not mature enough to do anything but use you for those sexual things.
If you have to, I would have a friend who was 18 buy you a dildo to keep rather than have sex. Thats your best idea at 14.
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a month now and when we're together we cannot keep our hands off each other. I'm a virgin. He's not. I'm 18 and he's 19. He respects me and loves me so I know he'd never force me into doing anything I don't want. We've never discussed sex and I want to discuss it with him so we can establish where we stand on the matter. I want to wait a while before we have sex. Even though I'm very physically and sexually attracted to him. I but I need to let him know where I stand. How should I bring it up, what should I say? (link)
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Hmm.
Usually, the hardest part is broaching the subject.
A good way is to be somewhat blunt about it. Perhaps write him a note and hand it to him. Ask him to read it. When he's done, talk to him about it.
From there, its good to set your boundaries. Tell him that you like him, and you can see yourself getting that close to him, but you want to take things slowly.
Explain that you want to feel safe with him. You want to know that above all he will take care of you no matter what that means. Even if it means stopping two inches away from sex because you cant.
At the same time, you have to establish what boundaries he can push. You know, what things he can do or try to do that you want to do but arent sure you're comfy with yet. You know, like he has permission to have hands under the shirt but not hte pants unless you give him the go ahead, and he has to be prepared to stop if you ask him to do something and realize you arent comfy with yet.
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my boyfriend and i really want to have sex. but i haven't even let him go to 3rd base because id on't now what to do about down there. like do i shave it or trim it or what? what do guys like? please help! (link)
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A beard trimmer is better than a razor. A razor will give you ingrown hairs and possibly razorburn.
A beard trimmer will make your hair there very short, but it wont cut it down below the skin. So instead of having bare and razorburn and then stubble the next day, you just have very short hairs that are still relatively soft and dont get in the way.
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My ex boyfriend and I have known each other for over 6 years. Recently we've crossed paths again and became really good friends. He calls me like 6 times a day and we talk about absolutely nothing, but yet the conversation is anything but boring. Well, as you probably guessed I am starting to have feelings for him again. He always makes me laugh, and he compliments me alot. I just don't want to take a chance and ruin our friendship if there are no romantic feelings intended. He called me his "bestfriend" and even though its a great title, it wasn't really the one I was looking for. Does he like me? What should I do? I don't wanna mess things up. (link)
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He is your ex.
Hes calling you 6 times a day.
He wants you back, and is trying to get you to want him as well.
Its working, so go kiss the boy and see how things go.
Best suggestion, sit him down in person. Talk to him about why you broke up. Just talk to him about what happened, how you both screwed up. Tell him you dont want to screw up the second time, and kiss him.
You _WILL_ get a hugely positive response.
Lesson 1 in guys. If a guy is paying you large amounts of attention, he wants to have sex with you. If an ex is paying you large amounts of attention, he wants you back and wants to have sex with you.
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how do you get over your first??? Yeah he did do me wrong..he cheated on me with his ex the first week we was going out..he broke up then he starts dating her again...i go back out with him after that we go out for awhile..he takes my virginity...then he tells me he still likes her..
suicide runs through my head who does that to girls...do they do it for fun...he says it was his first time too and he 'cares' about me...he with her now..."they're in love"....omg i've shed so many tears over him...its so hard watching the person you love..love someone else..he said he was gonna try to get over her and we was gonna get back together but i told my mom and she would never let us be together and she had already knew about us having sex....WHATEVER bs....just an excuse...they kiss and hug all the time and i just have to be around when they do that...im breaking down what do i do!?!? he has put me through so much and i know hes gonna come runnin back to me when they break up and i wanna blow him off but its SO HARD...i just wanna move on let him go..but....can someone please help me
(link)
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I wish I could say this gets easier as you get older.
I'm in pretty much the same situation. My girl cheated and left me. She doesnt want me back right now, but there are parts of me that definitely want her back, and if she came back right now, not caving to what she wants would be incredibly hard.
I mean, I loved her more than anything. I was ready to make her my wife. But sometimes, betrayal runs too deep to truly forget. You can forgive the action, but that doesnt mean the trust ever comes back.
This is coming from a guy in his 20s by the way.
My best advice to you, is hold out. If he talks to you, just say "no" and "get away from me" and dont explain it or let him get you into conversation. Refuse to listen to him, walk away, avoid him. Its the only way you can really prevent yourself from doing things you dont want to do in this situation.
Because if he gets enough time alone with you... just avoid him at all costs. Eventually you do hit the point where its easier, and you dont care as much. But when its still fresh, and you still feel like you're in love with him, its hard to have that self control.
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Im a 13 yr old girl, and my boyrfriend is 15 and turning 16 soon. we really like each other and we connect so well. and ive already talked to him about respecting what im comfortable doing and stuff. but i feel like he is just waiting. and some of my friends who are friends with him said he isnt a virgin. and that kinda bothers me. but he is so sweet and honestly i love him. but i feel kinda bad that he wants to finger me and stuff but i wont let him. and because he is older then me he has done alot more stuff that i havnt, which makes me feel really in-expierienced. and i worry that if i do something im doing it wrong. he hasnt said anything about wanting me to do more with him but i think im getting some hints. like he is always going up my shirt when we are making out and stuff, but i always stop him, and then it seems like he gets a little frustrated because he just wants to move on, but im not ready, and he said thats okay, but im not sure that i believe him.. PLEASEE GIVE ME SOME FEEDBACK! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
thankss (link)
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Alright.
Something you will learn. Guys are always horny. I'm in my 20s, still constantly horny.
Accept this. And dont worry about it. He is going to what what he is going to want. That doesnt mean that you should speed up and do more with him, especially at 13.
You are completely in the right here. You should not do things you are not comfortable yet. It sounds like hes pretty much just being a normal horny guy and asking. Theres nothing wrong with him wanting more.
If you're not comfy with him touching you, make it clear. Tell him that his hand needs to stay outside the shirt, no matter how horny he is.
I'm going to tell you something else.
Its very difficult for virgins and non virgins to work well together, especially at your ages. He wants what he wants and knows what he's missing. That doesnt mean that its your job to supply it. Do not compromise your values and go further than you want to to make him happy. Trust me when I say, there will be other guys if he cant contain himself enough.
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17/f he's 18/f
i really like this guy and i'm pretty sure he likes me. he's hinted it but hasn't come right out and said it but a while ago he promised himself that he's not going to have any relationships for a while because they've caused him a lot of grief and stress. so i'm asking you guys, if you like someone but don't want a relationship even though you know that you and this person would be good together, is there any chance that you would make an acception?? (link)
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Honestly, most guys would.
If you like him, be persistent, and he will cave. Seriously, guys have no willpower in that area.
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ok im 17 my boyfriend is almost 18. weve been together a year and 4 months and weve never had sex. he has a high sexual drive i guess, but were waiting.. well mainly me, and hes always respected that.. we are both virgins. theres been times when weve been at his house and ill fall asleep with him watchin tv or something, and he'll grind up against me. im a very deep sleeper so im sure hes not that worried about waking me up. i usually lay on my stomach because thats how i sleep, and he'll 'position' himself so itll feel good to him i guess. sometimes id really be awake and he wouldnt know it, other times he'd wake me up doing that. tonight, he started to do that again. after a little bit, he proceeded to get up, put lotion on my hand and work my hand around to give him a hand job and he was gettin off on it.. this whole time i was "asleep" but i was actually awake.. by this time i decided to see what he'd do because hes never done that before. if i started to squirm like i was "waking up", hed stop and kinda stroke my back or somethimg till i was back "asleep". afterwards he got on top of me.. im still on my stomach.. and he progressively pulled my pants and underwear down on the back so that he could rub up against my butt [he only pulled the back down, but his 'thing' was actually out of his pants]. he never actually went in.. id kill him.. but he kept pulling my pants down more and going lower and lower. eventually i "woke up", jumped up and yelled "what the h--- do you think youre doing???". he acted startled, just said "nothing!" and picked up the phone. i ran around got my purse and my keys and ran out the door, halfway cryin by now. he ran after me yellin "baby wait.. baby please!" and tryed to stop me but i told him not to touch me and left. i know he wouldnt rape me, hes not like that, but what could possibly be going through his mind? hes called me almost 15 times already in an hour's time and has left me voice mails begging me to call him, let him explain, but im ignoring his calls. supposedly hes somewhere, not going back home or anywhere till i talk to him. in one voice mail he says he thought i was awake.. wtf? i acted dead asleep. i wasnt going along with anything. i dont know what to do i feel so.. violated? i mean, did i do the right thing by running out? im not ready to talk to him, all ill do is yell and cuss him out.. but am i overreacting? hes never done anything remotely like this before. someone help me =[ (link)
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Hes incredibly horny.
I'll be honest, when laying there with a girl you really like, its hard to resist. But a good guy does.
Talk to him about it. Make him know that its not kosher. Its up to you if you want to give him a second chance, but tell him straight that any girl will freak out to that, and if he wants to stay in a relationship he will respect boundaries.
::Edit::
Oh, before I forget, the other part of your question.
No, you are not overreacting. He very clearly violated boundaries and he knows he went too far with you. Initiating sexual contact when someone is alseep is only done when you are a sexually active couple where its perfectly within the comfort zone. I lived with a girlfriend and she was a heavy sleeper, I could usually actually manage sex before she woke up, and she liked waking up to that. But that was in a trusting relationship, and we'd been sexually active 24 months before moving in together.
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ok im a girl, i am a size C bra... is theree a way to make your boobs bigger??? i know i should be happy with the way i am, but i just wanted to know.
thanks (link)
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By putting on weight, or having surgery.
But you have C cup. Guys love C cup. Theyre small enough that they dont get eaten alive by gravity, and big enough to look absolutely amazing.
Speaking honestly, you dont want them any bigger, a friend of mine is like 115 lbs with close to DD and shes having a breast reduction because it causes back problems.
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Ok I know long distance relationships never work, but maybe they can?
Should i even get my hopes up? Ok let me tell you the story.
I met him in the summer of 2005 and he fell instantly in "love" with me and we kissed but that was pretty much it. He lives in Connecticut and i live in Florida. We talked a bit after that but not really much. But recently i have gotten back in touch with him, but all he wants to talk about is having sex with me. I am going up there in december so i don't know whether i should or shouldn't do anythign with him...... one he has a g/f but he says he doesn't really love her, he loves me and blah blah blah but he refuses to break up with her. two i really don't want to be this slut and have sex with him when i actually have feeling but he doesn't. but he always says he does....he says he might move down here cause he has family down here but i don't know if that will happen...... so i don't know i think i should stop but i actually have feeling so it is kinda hard
HELP!!!!
will rate high!
(link)
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1) Do not meet someone who talks about nothing but sex with you over the internet.
2) Do not meet someone who has a girlfriend and wont leave her who talks about nothing but sex with you over the internet.
Hes not in love with you. Stop talking to him, and find someone new to speak to, and you wont miss him much longer after that.
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I'm 16/f
I've only ever had two boyfriends, one for almost 5 months, and the one I'm dating now for 1.
Well, we've only been dating for one, but we've been best friends for a year. And we both knew we liked each other while we weren't dating.
Well I've never dated a virgin, including my boyfriend now, and he always teases me about how he's ready for some with me.
And I mean, I don't know if I have a problem with it. I mean, I love him, I've known him for a year.
I am afraid though, of what could happen. You know? I have a lot going for me and don't want to get pregnant. I've also only been to second base before, so the nether regions are a new thing.
I know we should work up to that, and I was fully intending to.
I guess, how do I show my affection in a way to show him that I'm willing to have sex, just not right this second? I think we should work our way there. (link)
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Honestly. Talk to him about it.
One of the most common things about young couples is that they cant talk about sex very easily. Hell, I'm in my 20s and we have trouble with it until after its already happened half the time.
Bring it up sometime. Hell, be playful with it. I had a girlfriend who was a virgin at the time sit me down on her bed and smile, kiss me, and say "Youre going to get laid"
I grinned and was like "what, now?"
She grinned back and said "probably in a few months" and laughed as my face fell.
Once that ice is broken, tell him how you feel. Tell him that you want to be more intimate with him, but you havent done much and it makes you nervous. Tell him that you want to explore things with him, and you want him to be patient with you, because sometimes you might want him to push your boundaries and do things you arent comfy with, and if you need to you need to be able to ask him to stop.
Oh, and a special note. When you're doing things that are new and make you nervous, if you ask a guy to stop his instant reaction is usually going to be to stop touching you entirely. Often this creates some level of tension and awkwardness. You both need to take it in stride, so instead of pushing him away if he does something and you need him to stop, just take his hands and move them to safer territory, let him know you still want him close.
It makes things alot easier when your girl will explore with you and still want to be in contact with you, even if something happens. Dulls down the awkwardness. Talk to him after you do things. Let him know what you liked, what you didnt, what youd like to get used to.
Communication is key.
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