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My heart genuinely loves and cares about him and his overall well being but am I in love with him? I don’t think so.
I am a 22 yr. old female who lives on her own in the US. I rent and live with my boyfriend of three and a half years. The guy I’ve been with has put me through hell in the last three years we have been together but I stuck by his side fearing that I would be alone. He has abandoned me several times even on our anniversary and I know deep down I deserve better. I go to school PT and I work FT. To give you a vague idea of what life has been like for me, I do everything- tend to his needs, clean up after him because he won’t clean up at all, buy all the food, he treats me poorly- has no consideration for my feelings at all, doesn’t acknowledge anything that I do, is jealous that I’ve got a better job than him, refuses to work FT, won’t help out at all around the house without complaining about it, he has no interest completing his college education, and now he’s asking his job to cut back his hours so he can play card games all day. I’ve asked him nicely to pursue counseling, offered to pursue counseling with him as a couple, and he is being stubborn about it. He thinks he doesn’t need it at all. He has been talking lately about quitting his job because he doesn’t want to be work for retail all his life, and recently, dropped the only class he was taking at college. He has Asperger’s so he sees the world a bit differently than you and I, but I’ll be damned, he’s very manipulative and super quick to create conflict if things do not go his way.
That said, I’m in a pickle and I’m growing very unhappy with him. My heart genuinely loves and cares about him and his overall well being but am I in love with him? I don’t think so. We don’t connect like we used to, I am not attracted to him anymore (been over a year since we’ve done anything sexual), and I do a lot of things on my own. I feel like he’s my child literally. Because his name is on the lease, I am reluctant to say how I really feel because I am worried it would create a mess of problems that I do not need at this time. I have been saving up for a down-payment on a house of my own and I’m very close to being able to get one. My goal is to drop him when the lease is up if things do not get better.
As silly as it is going to sound, I think I have found someone who I really enjoy talking to. I met him through eBay of all the places but we immediately clicked. We like almost all of the same things and we can talk non-stop for six hours. We have so much to relate to it isn’t even funny. He is attractive, a bit older, and he happens to live in Arkansas, which is very far away from New York, but I guess it could be worse. We are discussing meeting sometime this year presumably if all goes well. He seems like my other half and I get very giddy when I hear from him (sometimes anyway). Although I don’t know him as well as I would like to, I do have a strong gravitation towards this person and I’m not fully sure why exactly. Maybe it is because we are so alike. He is a college graduate and has been a dept manager at a retail store for five years. He was studying graphic design and has even done a few book covers for local authors. I find it impressive that he has done so much at his age. If you believe in Astrology, his sign is Gemini (air) and I am Leo (fire), it says we are highly compatible. He is highly skilled in many areas including photography and art. I could go on and on about how wonderful this guy is but I’ll stop it right there.
Anyways, I told him my disposition with my boyfriend a few months back and recently told him how I started feeling about him. I was scared to bring the topic up mainly because I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way but I also did not want there to be a relationship between him & I- at least not until I have successfully ended the relationship I am currently in and after he and I have met in person first. The more I have talked to him, the more I feel like I am falling for this person, but I will say this feeling comes and goes and fades away when he isn’t talking to me as much. I think I take it personal or something, assuming it’ll never happen and that he is not interested anymore. It sucks having a pessimistic mind. There have been spouts where this person just disappears for days and I grow concerned, I don’t understand why it happens and when I try to reach out, I don’t get any response back. He tells me there is something there for me but has forgotten the feeling of love. If you are genuinely interested in someone, you don’t do that to the person who has feelings for you.
Maybe my thinking is off or I’m taking way too much to heart so soon when I hardly even know this person. It has been a while since he has been in a relationship and while he has forgotten the feeling, what do you think this feeling could be? Did he just say that because he did not know what to say? Anyways, I can understand being busy but at least tell the person you are interested in or who is interested in you what is going on in your life so they know you are OK. If I stop talking to him, he does try to initiate conversations which confuse me. It seems the more attention I give him the more he runs away but the less I give, the more he comes back for more. He will on occasion send me text messages in the morning or call randomly to chat. And no matter how much that guy is on my mind or not, I do dream of meeting him when I am asleep even if he hasn’t been on my mind at all. I sometimes smile myself to sleep when I’ve talked to him and had a great conversation. But in these dreams, I am subconsciously trying to hide it away from my current relationship. I guess the conscious is playing a part. I’ve had maybe 2 or 3 dreams where I’ve come close to telling the person I am with now about this guy. I don’t believe in cheating and that is why I am stuck, I can’t move on until the relationship I am with is done entirely, but it seems I’ve felt alone for so long my heart is ready to love again. I’m worried of the situation altogether backfiring. I don’t know what to do. Do I have genuine feelings for this guy? Is this just a crush? Will it subside? Am I a complete nut-case? Am I putting things in my head that should not be there? Should I just stop talking to this person or view him more as a friend? What would you do in my shoes?
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Firstly I would like to apologise for not replying sooner I have had some computer troubles and I would like to let you know that although I will try and give good advice I do not know a lot about Asperger's.
You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. And you shouldn't fear being alone, it can be a good thing. I always say a relationship shouldn't make you happy it should make you happier, because you should already be happy.
However, you should keep in mind that you are very busy and he might sometimes feel like you don't have time for him, or that you don't care.
If he keeps leaving you, is he reliable?
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO BE HIS MOTHER! Yes cleaning, cooking etc is important but it needs to be give and take. If your at work all day and he has the day off it is his responsibility to take care of the house, just as much as it is yours.
It is not your problem that he doesn't like that you have a better job. If he wants a better job he is free to go and get one. It doesn't sound like anyone is preventing him from doing this: Aspergers or no Aspergers.
All you can do is try to support him. Look into the laws and rules of what you are renting now, unless you are a guarantor there is a chance that he would have to move out if he is making no money as long as you can prove you can afford the place alone. But like I say; find out the facts before saying anything, it is not worth making more trouble.
Sexual attraction is a very important part of a relationship. Is it everything? Of course not, but you need to be sexually attracted to the person you are with.
In reference to this ebay gentleman, I'm sure you've heard of the show Catfish. Be careful. You don't know who they are, he could be lovely. Or an axe murderer. You simply don't know.
I can't tell you if you have genuine feelings for this person, I have never met anyone online and it is not something I trust or would use. But that is just me and many people have successful relationships by meeting online.
What would I do in your shoes?
I would find out about the rules about someone on the lease with no income and see if I could get him to leave. If I couldn't I would wait until I could pay for my house move and get rid of him. If possible I would leave straight away and stay at a friend or family members until I could move if it wasn't too long.
That's just me, it's your decision and your life.
There's obviously a reason you haven't left yet.
Hope this helps :)
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It seems like what you're trying to do is shed away the grime of unhappiness and are in search for a new true happiness. You say you love and care deeply about the man you are with now, but he doesn't make you happy. Those two cannot go together because it makes it seem like a one sided relationship. If you're the only one trying right now, you know this relationship must be let go. You will get more unhappy and exhausted if you keep it going on. Not to slap you in the face, but what if he is also unhappy?
On the brighter side, I'm glad that you found someone new to connect with. Someone that sounds even better. If this new friend of yours is what makes your days brighter, I say out with the old and in with the new. Do not be sorry or scared for recognizing your happiness. You must always pursue that and you must start a new life. You should get to know this guy more, maybe meet up with him halfway, then explain your feelings to the man you're with now.
I know you don't want to hurt him... But I know you don't want to be hurt like this either. Go be in a relationship where you're happy so that life will actually be worth living again! You're a good person by the way you described yourself, how you feel, and what you do. You deserve another good person to go hand in hand to live a happy life. Good Luck!
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Disregarding this new guy at the moment, if your current relationship doesn't get better then you should move on with your life; that part is clear enough with or without this new guy. With the whole new guy situation, meet him- it couldn't hurt. But don't move on with your heart set on the new guy. So give this guy a chance, and if it doesn't work out then you'll be upset but at least you haven't planned anything around him. Keep in contact but get out of your current situation before entering a new one. Hope this helped :)
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That was long!!! I will give you my opinion, my point of view and how I would try to handle your situation.
First and foremost I don't doubt you really care and love your boyfriend but you should break up with him as soon as possible. I know you want to do this in your mind but it's been a while since you thought about it and you are still with him, am I right?
Also, the fear of being alone at 22 are pointless and not a reason to stay with him. Besides, I'm pretty sure you've already figured out that it's not a healthy relationship, so get the hell out of there!
As for the new guy in your life, I'm going to say it again and louder: YOU ARE 22. All your life ahead of you, plenty of guys to meet closer than Arkansas, emotionally available and easier to meet in person.
That said, if the new guy is still in your mind and you really think it's worth a try, try it. Meet him, BUT, please, meet him with a friend of yours, you never know who's on the other line of the internet, ok? I'm serious about this, please do not meet him alone until you know for sure you're safe with him.
But I want you to ask yourself a question: why are you considering a guy who's telling you for starters he has "forgotten the feeling of love"? Do you see you're entering a relationship already on the rocks?
It could turn out fine, I don't know, I'm just saying: don't close doors and keep your eyes opened.
Good Luck!!!
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I'd have to agree that the fear of being alone is likely behind being where you are at with relationships. I am not a professional in psychology either, all I can do is share out of life experience or the stories of experiences of people I know. When there is a fear of being alone, we are likely to put up with just about anything and everything and we become willing to settle for less. I did that. It wasn't until I grew secure with myself and came to a place where being by myself (in my mind at least) was preferable to being with a guy who did not love me in return and treat me as such. The way you're being treated is not coming out of love.
As for meeting someone long distance, I do like the internet as a tool to come to know of the existence of a person, its how I met my 2nd husband, but through going the dating thing on line for a while before I found him, I realized, the longer you nurture a relationship on line without it being taken into the real world meeting face to face, theres a great chance of it becoming more fantasy and imaginings than what it really is. OUr minds try to fill in the things we don't know from not being 'in-person' with someone. So if you plan to meet the ebay guy, I would vote for sooner than later to either confirm or cross him off your list. I understand wanting to get into a house and wanting to avoid having to find another place to live. When between a rock and a hard place as you are, most people who choose to put up with life as it is just to get to the point of having a house. You have to decide for yourself if it's worth it.
I was in such a place, a hard place. Not earning enough to support myself on my own so I put up with an abusive husband for years. When I looked for help, theres only some basic's covered for physically abused women, not the emotionally and verbally abused as myself. So I had to want something better for myself. And fight to make it happen on my own. Its not easy. For you though, thankfully you're not married to the guy, it will be easier to make a break away when you decide to do so.
Be careful when that time comes to not jump from the frying pan into the fire. Desperation for another partner make cause you to commit before you thoroughly check out a guy. If you decide your problem is not being able to recognize basic character flaws and shortcomings in a man before getting too far into a relationship, then you might try to study that. Read about dating advice.
Work on yourself too to become more self confident. You may be confident. I think you are, but the compromises you make might make you seem low self confident to people and that has a possibility of attracting a lower than ideal guy to you.
This next piece is from male dating experts trying to help women:
The men worth having are attracted to women who know what they want in a guy and make sure the guy knows it clearly and will not put up with anything that doesnt meet their clearly defined boundaries and rules. I became like that. I caught lots of flack from immature guys who were upset with my criteria list for a guy to even bother to write to me. But it paid off in the end.
Good luck dear.
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I believe that the key to your problem given everything you wrote us boils down to this one portion of a sentence you wrote; "fearing that I would be alone."
I am not a psychologist and my high school psychology class does not qualify me to truly give you the reason why you feel this way. The fear of being alone can be just as real as it can be irrational. From what you have written you have no reason to fear being alone. You are working a full time job, going to school to complete your education and have the money for a down payment on your own home.
At 22 you are in a far better position than 99.9% of the people your age. The 0.1% who may be equal to you most likely were given not earned what they have, at least as far as money for their own home. I see a very mature 22 year old that is quite capable of taking care of herself.
My advice is to leave your present relationship as soon as you can. That you should not rush into a new relationship before you have had a chance to sit down with a psychologist and find out why you fear being alone. This fear can and may be causing you to jump into another relationship that just may not be a perfect relationship but one you are forcing it to be. I really can't tell.
The fear of being alone distorts perception just as depression does and your current friend Asperger’s does. A few sessions with a good psychologist will help you see the reason for this fear and work to overcome it. Fears can be good as they work as a safety net; until they become irrational. Your fear of being alone may have reached that point. Based on just what you have written I see no reason for you to fear being alone as you sound like a very capable person. A person some young man will want to have as his wife who will be a true partner in your life.
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If i were in your shoes I talk to both have a frank discussion and though you may not be physically cheating neither are you being honest
To me the relationship you are in doesn't sound at all healthy and whether or not you enter a relationship with this other man you shouldn't forget the option to end your current relationship is still viable
Being alone isn't always a bad thing
I wish you the best of luck
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Regarding your boyfriend with whom you live, its better to shred him off your life entirely as soon as possible.. you surely dont love him at all and neither does he..it is a dead relationship.. And as for the person you presently ike or love.. dont think too much...give him and yourself some time.. Dont hasten up.. Let some things shape up spontaneously..You are just 22 years old.. You have a pretty lot of time to evaluate yourself..whether you love him or its a crush.. And evaluate him...what he exactly feels for you over time..
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