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Twin Brother R.I.P
I'm from Berlin, Germany. I can read and write English almost as well as anyone else. Recently I have lost my dear identical twin brother, tragically. My father doesn't seem to care much, he didn't even blink when he died but I can't stop feeling this hole. I feel lost now, and confused. I can't cry for some reason. I'm depressed and alone. My mother is with my brother and my father is always at the bar. So what can I do to ease this pain inside of me?
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Celebrate his life, don't mourn his death.
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Remember who your brother was and honor the life he had. We are never truly dead until we are forgotten. I wish I could say more but this is what I did and it has helped me realize that there will always be good times and bad times. We just have to make the best of the bad times. I hope that this helps. And I am truly sorry for your loss.
-Manny
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Wow, I'm sorry to hear that, although I'm sure you're sick of hearing about how people are sorry for you. Because I'm sure you feel sorry for yourself. I know I did when I lost my father tragically. But here's the best thing I learned about healing in death: not everyone can be as strong as you. I know that you feel lost and alone, and probably somewhat incomplete. I know how that feels. But, it is what it is. And as much as you don't think it'll get better, it will. I realized over time how much the broken heart that was a result of losing my rock, my father, my provider, has been beautifully painted over by the cities in which he instilled into me. You and your brother being twins, you probably were similar in some ways. Bringing out the best in your brother through your actions is what is going to help you heal and also to keep him alive within yourself.
I'm sorry that your father is reacting that way...my mom had an opposite reaction to where she was pretty much in zombie mode because she was so depressed. The most important thing you need to remember while watching your family grieve is that they are all going to do it differently. Your father feels obliged to be the man of the house - the strong one who keeps holding the weight of everyone's fall on his shoulders while he remains standing with it. It's the best way he knows how to deal with it because I'm sure he's never lost a child before. You'll always see new sides of people when you experience different things with them.
I'm devastated for your loss, because my older brother is my hero. My father was my hero as well. Just remember that you cannot control what has happened, but you can always control how you react to it and how you decide to deal with it.
I hope this helps & I wish nothing but the best for you and your family.
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If I were you I'd go to a counselor and tell them how you are feeling. Like a therapist. Your father maybe dealing with things in a different way. He may not show you that he's hurting, but he may cry when he's alone. You said he's always at the bar, so maybe he's dealing with his sadness by drinking. Have you tried talking to him about your brother? It's important that you find some support and talk about the feelings you have. Make sure you take care of your self right. You have to get enough sleep, eat right, and exercise would help a lot. Also not crying may just be the mental state loosing your brother put you in. You probably are just numb. Emotional numbness is the inability to feel much of anything. Things that usually make you feel happy or smile produce a weak response or nothing. Also things that should , make us angery or even tears result in an apathetic response. It is a lack of emotion where there once was emotion. One of the causes can definitely be depression. This symptom results from feeling overwhelmed and overburdened by life's challenges to the point where you just can't feel anymore. You are too tired and weary to emote. It can also be a protection against feeling too much as in after a trauma. It can be the process of shock where we simply cannot take in the emotional reality of what is going on. The mind is protecting itself from too much pain.
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I'm so sorry to hear of your lost honestly everyone.in your family is dealing with it in their own way and although your dads going to the bar he may.not be doing the best in dealing with it as well as your moms
Maybe you guys need to talk it out all together but if it is true that they don't care as much as you and you need to.talk about it as much as u want to.me even write.about it. But first step is talking about it even.maybe with ur mom first. You can keep me updated
Im here.
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by the sounds of it your father is using alcohol to cure/hide away from the this. when i was in this situation i wrote down how i felt and that helped to me to get by however i think u need to find away to this too, you said you can not cry however that will come when you are ready just remember they are always with you in your heart and mind, the pain will ease eventually when you are ready to cry.....if are able to talk to your dad see if it will help you both....hope this helps even if it is a little
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Your dad is grieving in his own way. He does feel something, but he doesnt show it outwardly, instead he goes to the bar in attempts to numb the pain he feels inside from the loss of a wife he probably never got over and now the added loss of a son, that was likely his breaking point, of not wanting to face reality or life anymore and try to hide from it in his alcohol.
This is not the best thing to do for grieving. You only feel better temporarily. I can't say what to do for dad. He is not the one asking for advice for himself, but at least that helps you understand he is affected by the loss but he's choosing a not very good way to deal with it.
For yourself, don't worry about not being able to cry right now. That will come in time , at the right time. You see there is a proper way to go through grieving, step by step. You can't rearrange the steps, skip and leave any out, or you will not go through grief properly. When I lost my mother 15 years ago, a friend loaned me a book called "Good Grief". You are going to miss your brother in different ways I suppose that someone who lost a sibling who was not a twin, there is a special tie that the rest of us can't understand. It is normal to feel depressed and to feel pain. If I remember correctly, we are better off to embrace our pain rather than find ways to get over it quickly or ease it. That plan can backfire just like not properly cleaning a wound on the skin and merely slapping a bandage on. In no time, it can become infected. So you can make your pain actually turn into something worse.
I would suggest hunting through bookstores, or libraries asking someone to help you find good books on grieving properly.
Everyone is different in how long they take to go through their grieving process, or even in how they do it. If you find a book isn't helping, try talking to your brother and ask him to come to you in your dreams because that is one of the easiest ways for a loved one who passed over to get a message to family. Or ask him to give you other signs that he is okay. Having the connection that twins have, I wouldn't be surprised if you meditate that you can still pick up on his thoughts, even though he's on the other side. Find time to meditate and in your mind, hold a conversation with him. this may help to ease the loneliness of not having him around all the time. If you have trouble with doing that but still wish for some contact with him, you may want to seek out a psychic who has the gift to hear from those who have passed on and give you the messages. Be careful if you choose this route as there are way more quacks, irreputable people wishing to scam you and take your money when there is no truth in what they made up to tell you. Do your research carefully on such a person asking to speak to others who have been clients. Do perhaps a back ground check on the person. I wish you the best and hope your father doesnt waste the rest of his life mourning those who are gone but celebrates times with the son he still has.
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