|
Married and need some intimate advice about bringing another woman into our bed
Well ok long story short im married, and both my husband and i are lookin to find another female partner to help us spice up the bedroom, im all for it and he says he is aswell but im just not convinced and am worried that if we go ahead with it a few months or years down the track he is going to turn around and throw it back in my face, we have talked and talked about it but i still feel since it was my idea in the first place he is just more or less going along with it so not to dissapoint me, is there any way that i can really be sure that he does want it as much as i do??? any advice would b great plz.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You say you want to "spice things up in the bedroom," but why do you feel this particular episode is the answer?
First, you are adding another element to the chemistry you and your mate have (unless that chemistry is becoming less and less potent as time passes) and that can have either good or bad results. It just depends on the mindsets of the folks involved. But generally, studies have found that these things do not have good outcomes in terms of predicting the lifespan of the union.
Now usually it is the guy who wants two girls, not the woman. For men, a FFM arrangement is often an expression of male sexual aggression or need for variety. However, as a woman, what specifically are you getting out of this? Do you have underlying lesbian feelings? Do you REALLY want your husband involved in this or is this just an excuse for you to get freaky with another girl?
The weird thing for me is the hesitance of the husband here when this kind of scenario is a lot of guys' dream (not really my thing, btw). Do you feel obligated to save the marriage due to social pressure when what you most want now is to find a female partner? How really interested in sex with your husband have you been over the course of your marriage? I get the impression that your husband thinks you are about to check out of the marriage no matter what happens.
Understand that I am not trying to cast aspersions, but while marriage counseling is often the final stage of a marriage before the divorce papers are filed, the threesome thing could be what happens before the counseling. I just don't see this ending well.
]
The best part about a marriage is how intimate and how well you guys know each other. Sex should be full of passion especially in a marriage and be monogomous since you guys are committed to one another not some random bisexual girl. Don't make your marriage become an experiment with that sort of stuff because honestly that should be out of your system by the time you finish college. There's other ways to spice up your sex life. Different positions, different places in the house, foreplay, you could even have sex while watching a porn together. Have fun with each other because your lucky to just have him in your life. You don't need to bring someone else into your sex life and if your husband seems to be second guessing it than DAMN YOU ARE LUCKY. He's only looking at you. Just have fun with each other ;)
]
if this was my situation i wouldnt do this because you pretty much allowing your husband to have him have sex with another girl. i dont think you guys should do this,, but thats my opinoin.
i would really think about it and if your not sure about it, hold off on it because once it happened you can never take it back!
good luck and i hope i helped!(:
]
These are things you need to be talking about with him, asking him.
The truth behind what you two are about to do is that you can't really know how you'll react until you are in that situation. He might well be fine with it right now, and find something he's not ok with. He might be nervous and unsure now and end up in a threesome and absolutely love it.
While the below advice givers are wrong to think that it always or even mostly screws up relationships (there are literally millions of couples who swing/swap and all it does is enrich the sexuality) the potential drama-bomb you are ushering into your relationship is as significant as they say it is.
When things go south, they go far south. And quickly, generally.
As opposed to the "use a stranger" suggestion put forth I advocate the opposite. Using a stranger is the quickest and easiest way to detontae that drama bomb. You don't know this person, you don't know how they'll react, what they want out of the arrangement, what emotional baggage they might bring in themselves.
The ideal person is someone you both know and are comfortable with. Someone who is not just you and your husband's sex toy, but an intimate partner that (assuming everything goes well) will be up for round two next week if/when both of you really enjoy it and want a repeat.
You need to set some ground rules. Rule 1 of being in a committed emotional relationship and opening sexual intimacy to other people is that the needs and desires of your partner come first. Meaning, either of you get to say "this is over" at any time for any reason. Mid coitus, during the rest period, doesn't matter, either of you can call it off if needed without being questioned until after it's just the two of you again.
The reason you want a friend is you want someone who understands and will be OK with this. Rather than picking up a random girl who will be put out if your husband is not OK, a friend whom you know can be understanding, patient, and relaxed about this.
I mean, do you really want the awkwardness of kicking someone out in ten minutes if your husband freaks out? Or would you rather have a friend who can come over, have a few drinks, watch a movie, and see if the mood is right to proceed? Knowing the person allows you to remove the expectations and be clear (on all sides) about whats up and what you all want to happen.
This isn't something you rush into. You said in a few months or years, so obviously you're on the same page with that.
Express your concerns to him. Tell him that you want him to be alright with this, that you want to make sure he wants the same things you do, that he will enjoy whatever you do as well. You both need to go into this with a level head. That means extensive communication. It means warming up to the idea yourselves, maybe a little roleplay or threesome related dirty talk during sex "If we had a girl here I'd want to watch her do x to you", etc. )Play with the idea together before you play with another person, find some common ground, common fantasies. Tell him what about it turns you on. Encourage him to share in the same way.
If you both want this you just have to be prepared to walk away if/when it's not right. You have to put each other first while not treating whomever you bring into the bedroom like an object. Make it a good experience for everyone involved, and it won't be the mistake that fucked up your marriage, even if it ends up being a mistake overall.
]
For the first time, I would strongly recommend a total stranger. Someone you can meet at a bar or somewhere safe and get to know casually but neither one of you knows personally. If things don't go well with him after the first time, don't force him into it, as he will probably resent you and could cause some major problems. But from what I'm reading in your message, I think you'd like to have a little tryst with another woman. That is something you may want to discuss with your husband and see if he would accept it if you could sleep with another woman occassionally. My husband is fine when I meet a woman and decide to have sex with her and he really loves it when I surprise him with a threesome. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask. I hope this helps and good luck.
]
This is really a hard question to answer.
In general my advise on sexual issues such as yours would be that anything is fair game PROVIDED THEIR IS MUTUAL CONSENT. Here we have what looks to be mutual consent though one partner, you is not sure the other is being truthful in consenting.
I question somewhat why you are concerned that your husband may someday throw this back on you. It is not like you are suggesting bringing another man into your bed for your pleasure. You are bringing another women into you bed for his pleasure, or are you?
Is bringing another women into your marriage bed truly for the sole gratification of your husbands sexual pleasure or is there an alternative reason here. Please don't take offense at this but as a male I'm thinking like you husband may be thinking. He may be wondering if your desire to bring another women in to your sex lives is not solely for his pleasure but maybe to satisfy a desire in you that he is not aware of.
From my point of view if you are bi curious there is nothing wrong with this. Your husband may see it otherwise.
This leads to a second point I make when advising on sexual issues. COMMUNICATION: Communication is very important in our sex lives. We need to tell our partners of our likes and dislikes, our fantasys even things we might do on a dare so to speak. Communication is the spice of life when it comes to a mutually agreeable and enjoyable sex life.
The way you to find out for certain if your husband truly wants to do this is to ask him. Tell him why you want to do this with him or for him if that's the case. You are offering him something that is most men's fantasy yet you have reservations. You need to discuss this openly and find out why. He needs to know the why behind your offer. You need to know the why behind your feeling of his reluctance.
]
Well...I'm going to just spill it
I really don't suggest bringing another women into the bedroom. No matter how open you feel you and your husband are about it. Reality is, You are his wife and no women should come between that.
If you are still all for it, Know that bringing a women into your intimate life could possibly lead to a bunch of drama later on. Never do anything of the sort without knowing the possible consequences first. 1, Your husband could develop feelings for this "other" source even if it isn't intentional. 2, This is very well a subject that could be bought up again during arguments and 3, It could ruin your marriage. If you don't want to take these chances then I don't recommend proceeding. If you find the need to spice up your sex life you could take another option rather than involving another person.
However, If you really want to know if your husband is on the same page as you the only way to reassure the situation is too sit down and discuss the topic and take it from there.
]
This is a hard one... Because either way you go here you could risk a problem in your marriage.. If you do decide to bring another woman in the relationship, someday your husband or you mat regret it ever happening. Lets say you do bring someone in the relationship even if its just for the sex, maybe your husband seems a little to into the other woman and seems to be paying more attention to her and you get jelous... not good.. or maybe he is not giving the other woman as much attention as you want him to and it causes an arguement also not good... also as you said what if he really didnt want to do it in the first place (if he doesnt really want to most likely he isnt going to tell you guys have this pride thing and he isnt going to want the other boys to hear that he turned down having sex with two girls) but that would cause an arguement and he may get angry with you in the future for making (even though he was not forced) him do that...
on the other hand if you dont then you might feel angry because you never got to expirience something you really wanted.. he may think that you secretly wonder what it would be like with someone else... either way you go you can run into a problem... and that sucks... but either way could turn out great as well.
So if it were me I would probably say just forget bringing another woman in the relationship and try something different.. like maybe buy some fun sex games, toys, try some role play, there are so many ways to spice up the love life without needing another woman.. Maybe even try getting a fun group sex game like cards or a funny sex board game and invite another couple over to play who knows it could be fun and you still had the expirience of having someone else there without actually having to involve them sexually with you or your parter :) good luck on this I hope I helped out some
]
Trust and believe he wants it just as much as you but he may have the same fears as you do. Before you were married is this something you did? I'm not sure adding another persoan is the best idea. What if "heaven forbid" something goes wrong and the other girl ends up pregnant. What then???
I think it's just a big gamble. If you have questions about this now, you will have incredible questions and fears later. Example: was she better than me, is she coming around when I'm not there, now that he has a taste of something different will he continuously seek out more.
If you have never done it DON'T.
Final answer Don't do it. He can watch you fool around with a girl but he can not get involved. How about that?
]
More Questions: |