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pressured to have sex? Not ready, how do I handle him
I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months. We're both 22 and have a lot in common, and the beginning looks promissing for a successful long term relationship. The compatibility, his behavior, his mix of almost everything I want from a man, him finding what a lot of what he looks for in a woman with me... Though early, it seems like this could potentially blossom with time into something beautiful. So far, we bring out the best in each other, we push each other to do better, and we function like a team in many aspects. I honestly think this relationship makes both of us happier and better persons.
We haven't had sex yet, though we got to the stage of doing everything else, including sleeping together in the same bed without clohes on. I am not a virgin, but sex is a serious topic for me. I don't take it lightly, and I only want to think of having it in the context of a long term, loving relationship possibly heading towards marriage. I have had two serios relationships previously, which both ended at their own times due to compatibility reasons. After my second relationship I had told myself that I will only have sex again with a man that I am compatible enough to head into marriage. That doesn't mean waiting until marriage itself, but having a relationship with a good enough shape for that, if it makes sense. I don't want to get married now, but I see myself there in 2-3 years.
There is a strong attraction between me and my bf, which is why we got as far as we did. Despite the physical connection so far, I deffinetely don't feel ready to take it to the final end and have the sexusal intercourse, with all the risks and vulnerability it implies. I need more time for the relationship to develop and ...well to see how much of a long term it can get.
Last night he told me, while we were on his bed,that "That's it. This has to happen soon", because he "can't wait much longer". That "It's been already more than 3 months", and that "he's already showed me" he loves me and he's interested in more than just a sex fling with me.
I felt hurt by his words, and taken aback, because up to this point he acted very patient and encouraging, telling me things like "I can take as much time I need". I am curious ,was this something said in the sexual tension of the moment, or if it goes deeper and should worry me as to his feelings and intentions. I also don't want him to suspect any other reasons why I don't want to have sex with him, and on the other hand I don't know how to tell him everything on my mind without scarring him off.
I am sorry about the long post, but I am a bit confused about what I should do in my interaction with him. What I am not confused about is that I don't want to go all the way yet... So I guess I am asking for some feedback and for views of how people would handle this situation. Thank you
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I know you asked this a while ago and I also know that I am younger than you...But trust me, I know what I am saying on this. Please do not get sucked into what I did. I was dating someone for over a year who said the same types of things about waiting however long I needed then one day BAM! He made me feel like I had to and I gave into giving him my virginity. I tried to make it obvious that I didn't want to. No, we were not sleeping in the same bed. But yes, we were doing the same kinds of things. When one party is not fully willing to do something this is considered rape. I was always beating myself up over what happened to me and I absolutely hate it because I was not at all ready and I tried to make it clear but apparently failed. If he is trying to pressure you...Which it sounds like he is...That is not something you want to get yourself into. Wait until your gut says "okay, I am ready for this, this is exactly what I want" and when your heart says "This is where I am now so go for it" You always have to listen to your instincts and if you are at all uncertain say no. Again, I know how terribly difficult that is and how much you may want to say yes. But if something is making you feel unsure then just don't do it. Even if it were to, God forbid, make you lose him, it's not worth it. It is not worth putting your morals on the line to make someone else happy. Please learn from my mistakes.
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Sex has to happen on terms that you're both prepared to offer and accept. If sex is a dividing line for you, then you'll both need to find someone who matches your tastes.
Ask yourself this question: Are you putting it off purely for the reasons you stated, or do you feel like you're putting it of because you think that's what he wants? It sounds like you agree that he's shown you a lot of commitment, and so in my position of "Stranger on the Internet", I think your personal vow is in good faith, but he might have gotten a different impression - that you're simply choosing to withhold sex because you expect that he wants it. Or it's because he thinks you wanted him to assert his desire. It's hard to say because, naturally, we don't have the entire picture.
You have some questions that you have to answer for yourself. In particular, do you fear that having sex with him would "cheapen" you or the relationship? Do you believe not having sex makes your relationship stronger? Do you fear what might happen to you (or your self-esteem) if you broke that vow to yourself? How could you cope? Based on how you feel about these questions and any others you wonder about, ask yourself if this person is truly a match for you.
Answer for yourself.
Good luck!
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As a guy, I think he mighta just been in the moment or got some stupid "advice" from his friends . And even though guys don't like to talk about their emotions, this is one topic that we might actually talk about freely . And I'm sorry but I can't put myself in your situation, but I hope everything works out all right :)
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I'm old enough to be your grandfather and I consider myself very liberal when it comes to matters of sex and loving relationships. I have to say that after reading your story even I'm confused.
Should I read into this that you and your boyfriend are together in the nude and absolutely nothing sexual happens between you; or that everything but intercourse happens. If you sleep in the nude allowing him to see you this way but not to touch you or be touched by you; you are a tease in the biggest definition of the word.
Should you allow him for finger you have oral sex with you and you reciprocate then he is pushing for something he should be able to wait until you are ready for. But you must tell him the what and the why of you putting him off so he understands and can decide for himself; otherwise in his mind you are a tease who is not think of his needs.
I have always believed that sex is a beautiful thing when practiced between two consenting adults. The operative word is consenting. If either party is forced to do something they are not comfortable with then the sex is neither consenting or beautiful.
Since this is the point you are approaching; as you have not fully explained yourself to your boyfriend. You may feel that in order to keep him you may have to give in to having intercourse with him. The sex may be good but not beautiful as you may feel used. This will hurt your relationship and probably did so in the past.
I have two suggestions: The first, come clean to your boyfriend and explain yourself to him so he understands where you are coming from. Times are changing and while your views are still among the minority the are fast moving towards the majority. Second; If he agrees that you may be the one for him but he needs to see if you are sexually compatible, we use to call it a test ride, then some joint counseling might help both of you decide where to go from here.
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If you don't want to feel pressured, Then stop teasing him.
Your boyfriend told you he is willing to wait until you were ready but don't expect him not to nag the hell out of you if you are in bed naked with him. If you want to wait but perhaps if that is your choice you should wear clothing to bed.
If you are doing everything NOT to be a tease and the guy is still pressuring you into having sex, Then screw it he doesn't respect you enough to lay off and respect your choices. Your boyfriend is being a typical guy, Any guy would be tempted into having sex if their own girlfriend has no clothes on com'on. Stop teasing him if it bothers you so much.
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Part of it might be the sexual tension.
Part of it might be cultural; men are taught that they can expect to 'earn' sex from a woman.
Part of it might be that he has been on his best behaviour for the last three months and you are beginning to see the ass underneath.
You don't know yet, and that's okay.
You need to let him know how you interpreted those comments. Don't insist on "But you said!" instead, focus on how you heard a very different message in that moment than you thought you had heard before, and let him know that worried you.
If that scares him off, unfortunately, that is probably for the best. If you are in a relationship where you can't ask someone to clarify their position and share thoughts rather freely, you aren't in a relationship that is going to work.
Pick a neutral time and place - where it is completely non-sexual and apart from your normal romantic/sexual experiences together - and tell him you were upset by what you heard.
You might also want to look at how you are talking about sex with him.
In your question here you are framing it as something he can earn from you, as something he'll earn when he's proven your compatibility as a couple and that he's in it long-term. That's a mistake. If sex is something he earns, then you two are going to disagree about what is 'good enough' to deserve it. Stay away from discussions that turn into “Criteria that must be met before we have sex.” It’s tempting to talk about it that way, because it makes people feel like there is progress and a working plan, but the truth is you don’t have a concrete clear set of criteria. (A concrete clear criteria would be something like: You must have condoms. You must pass an STI test. We must be dating for 4 months and 10 days. You must celebrate my birthday with me.)
You do have criteria of course, but they are more personal and subjective and that is okay.
You are entitled to choose or not choose to have sex with him for any reason you wish. It could be his brand of bubble gum that makes up your mind. That would be perfectly okay.
So don’t fall into the trap of talking about how you two can meet those criteria. They aren’t a goal to be worked towards and that will give him the wrong idea. Instead, talk about your own choice. Talk about your feelings and remind him that your choice to have sex isn’t all about what he does; it’s about who you are together. Who you are together doesn’t come with a set date or terms, and sex isn’t going to happen on a set date or when he meets the terms either. It’s going to happen when it feels right to you. The best thing he can do is be himself and let you be yourself. If it is going to feel right, it will.
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You can't be upset about being pressured to have sex when you slept in bed with him naked. If you didn't want to be pressured, you shouldn't have done that. However, that does not mean you should just have sex with him. If you aren't ready, then tell him you aren't ready and deal with the break up. You shouldn't ever have sex when you aren't ready.
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Oh my gosh woman quit teasing him! You cant sleep naked in the same bed as someone and expect them not to want something more after a bit. I'm a girl and I would have said the same thing he did.
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