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Should cancer be a reason to break it off?
I met a wonderful widow with 3 children, 12, 14 & 16. Her husband died from cancer a year ago. We've been dating for almost 9 months. I asked her to marry me after 5 months, she said yes. I found out that I have cancer 1 month after. It appears that this cancer I have is not a very treatable kind. I can prolong my life several yrs., but not much longer, unless I am the one in a million miracle. We have not told the children. It was very hard on them watching there father take 2 yrs to pass. I don't want to hurt them again. She said we will hide it until it's obvious. I'm not sure if I want to put 3 kids into another tragic relationship so soon to their past one. I've grown to love them. Should I break it off with her?, should I break it off with them?, I don't want to be the cause of tempering these wonderful people any further than they are.
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First off I want to say I am sorry you are going through this. I think it will hurt them more if you leave. You obviously don't want to tell these children you have cancer and just leaving is going to upset them. This woman you meet made it through the lose of her husband and is obviously wanting to stay with you. I think you need to inform the children. after you ask this woman if she is willing to go through this again and if notyour willing to leave. I think its a sign of weakness to leave out on these kids and this woman you met. Stay strong sir and dont back away from those yo love you can do your best to fight through it.
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I'm very sorry for everything that's going on right now. But the answer is no you shouldn't break things off with them, that would just be hurting them more. Think about it, they already lost their father, and if you just go and leave without telling them anything, it's going to break their hearts. I think you should just be honest and tell them, they'll respect you for that a lot. That way you can have everyone supporting you, and not be all alone. I hope a miracle happens, and I wish you and all of your family well. And remember don't leave them, that'll be telling them you don't care. They already lost one father, I bet they don't want to loose another. I wish you guys the best:)
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Ok,I am really sorry for this situation your passing through.I know it's hard.I just hope a miracle happens and you can be cured.My advice is that you tell the childrens the true in that way they can help you in this difficult situation in your life.At first they are going to cry and feel that their heart is broken but for you they are going to be strong to give you all the support,love,affection and happiness you need.If you don't tell them now its going to be harder later on.Be strong!Never give up have a lot of faith in god!Im going to have you in my prayers.:)
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God. I'm sorry. That's really fucked up for everyone involved, especially you. Let me take a second and recognize the thoughtfulness with which you treat those around you, because you come across as a very admirable person.
That said...
Talk to her again. Pose her these questions yourself. Let her tell you she doesn't want you to go.
Noble self sacrifice is an admirable motivation, but often it does no one any good. The woman has agreed to be your wife, and if you and her kids are bonding then they're all losing you whether you leave or not. You can spend the time you have left agonizing over the pain they will suffer when you're gone or you can spend whatever time you have left trying to make the most significant positive impact on their memories you can to counterbalance your loss later.
Loss is a part of life. Its sad that you have to be associated with it, but they lose no matter what. So stop focusing on loss and make your attitude about gain.
And lastly. Stop feeling guilty because you got cancer. Its not your damned fault that this happened to you, and its not your fault for living your life and finding love in a widow with three kids before finding out about cancer. You didn't do anything wrong so get the notion that I can practically feel building in your head wherever you are that this situation is your fault and that you have to do something to fix it yourself for everyone else. I realize that you feel out of control right now. Asserting yourself by leaving the woman you love is not the right way to go about regaining your life.
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Either way... This is your decision. But...
I don't think you should make this decision alone. And when I say you shouldn't make it alone... I'm not talking about including a bunch of random strangers from the internet. I'm talking about your fiance.
Then you think... What's the point? You all ready know her answer. She'd say, "Don't go," no matter how much sense your arguement makes, right? Right.
My point is this... Don't deprive yourself of spending the time you have left with people that you love. And do them an even grander service... Don't deprive them of your love even if your time is short.
Angst, drama, mental scars and the like aside... All anyone really wants is to be loved.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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This is a tough one. I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. I guess the real question is - do you leave now, or wait until you disease forces you to leave? Either way, you'll be leaving these people you've come to love. Would it be better to spend the time you have left with the ones you love, or leave them wondering why you abandoned them so suddenly when it seemed like everything is ok. Its so difficult, but I think ultimately the children would want to have you in their lives as long as possible. It will be hard for them if you eventually do succumb to the disease, but as you said, you do have some time left, and with advances in medicine these days, it may be longer than you think. And being surrounded by people you love and who bring joy to your life can also help your body in its fight. As the children get older they may be better able accept what's happening to you, and they may even be able to learn something extremely valuable from you as they watch how you deal with your disease. Don't rob them of that. Indeed, it is a tragic situation, but don't think that no good can come of it. Surely, they will be hurt to lose you someday, but let that someday be later rather than sooner. It sounds like this family needs you as long as you can be there, and you need them too. As hard as it will be, this sounds like something you all need to sit down and face together. I understand your fiance's hesitance to tell them, but the longer you wait the more they'll feel lied to when they do find out. And who knows, you may be surprised at how they handle the news. This sounds like it will be a test of character for all involved. Give the kids this amazing opportunity to discover their own characters and coping abilities. Cherish each moment. Don't run away. It is my feeling that may hurt them more in the end than knowing that you stuck it out for as long as you could, for them. Good Luck to you. And remember, you are not dead. You are still very much alive, so live like you are.
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