|
Words cant describe how I feel right now.
Expressing myself through a computer screen Is very hard to do.So sharing info with random people is something i have never done in my life.But im just screaming for help and I have to be heard in one way or another.And im not here to be told that im just overreacting or that i just have to never give up because i've heard it all before and my pain runs so much deeper then that.So listen and just try to spare me the tough love and just help me by giving me the best advice possibly because that it what i really need right now.
This litte feeling that takes over me has been happening since I was a tyke. I mean i felt like my family has always teamed up on me.I guess you can call me the black sheep of my family.I mean my childhooh has been pretty rough but its not about that.The problem is that I feel like im always beening smothered.Like I can never breath in fresh air.When i was younger i used to live in this house that was huge..but sadly it burned to the ground in a huge house fire.So now i live in this box..literally.I feel like in going crazy.The house is over crowded by immature siblings and grown ups.My mom is 40 and so is my dad and those two argue like five year old kids.Im 17 years old and i still cover my ears everytime they go at.Im just so over the whole thing.Being here doesnt feel like a home and im just really ready to live.I mean what parents would want their kids to be around all this screaming and cursing.Im very disappointed in the both of them.Problem #2.The only person that i really felt close to was my twin sister.Its like I was born with my own best friend.From dressing alike to laughing at each others jokes..she was my rib.But no..when she got her so-called boyfriend things changed big time.She start saying things to me like how i couldnt keep a boyfriend becuase no one liked me and how i had no friends.Things that will scar my heart for life.Things she would have never said to me.And she really put me down when she got a job before me.I gratuated in may of 09 and have been looking for a job to help pay for college out of pocket.Im just so sick of being left out.As for friends..My life asnt been anything but a big competion with me.Why does frinedship have to be about jealousy.I can honestly say I never had true blue friends.Now a day everybody just compete's with everyone.No one's honest anymore.I just wanna go to college and start my life.But since I have no money..I have to work for it.Please dont tell me that there's finacial aid becuase i have recieved that but still its nott enough.Yes..I have applied for scholarships and grants.And no..mom and dad cant help becuase their just as selfish as the next person.All they can think about is buying the next hottest car becuase one of their co-workers have it.I need to find myself spiritually but cant never stay focused do to the negative things people fill my head with.I feel like cyring everyday.I just wanna break out of the walls and start my life they I want to. What can I do..? Please you guys..I feel so alone in this world.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Reading through your question I noticed that all you do is focus on the actions and words of other people. You feel alone due to rejection, being neglected by your family and not knowing who you are yet. You have let the negative energy surrounding you put your journey of self-discovery on hold.
Change your way of thinking. Give Love to all and see the presence of truth in everything and everyone. Know that you are exactly where you are meant to be, where you are now is perfect, wherever you go is perfect. Just stay in the now and everything will fall into place.
Turn on the joy. Smile. Start laughing and live in the now. No one can affect you unless you have ordained it to be so. You are in control of how you handle the actions of others - You are in control of how other people affect you. Everything you are going through is just a lesson for you to learn regarding the power of your own thoughts and strength. Only your thoughts affect you.
You must also be forgiving and unconditionally loving. If you are not forgiving and loving others, you are not forgiving and loving yourself.
You are beautiful beyond understanding and you have more power inside of you than you realise. Start to embrace your strength and push yourself to the end. When you finally begin to see that you are on a journey, you will realise the trivial quality of your suffering and you will easily be able to remove yourself from it.
Most people don't know or don't accept that if they had no thoughts they would be happy. Still your mind. Stop being a slave to your emotions and thoughts concerning the past and the future. Live in the thoughtless, eternal and omnipresent now and you will truly experience the happiness and contentment of just being. By just being, you will begin to experience your own formless, joyful, free and peaceful nature. Drop the mind aside. You already have everything you need and once you realise this, gratitude and joy will begin to bloom from within your innermost self and the fragrance emitted will surely begin to intoxicate both your very own self and every passerby.
Only in imagination do you have limits. Good luck.
]
You know, I couldn't stop for a breath while reading your story. I have to say, I don't think I can ever truly understand your feelings since I'm not in a situation same as yours. Although I can't feel the same as you do, I did have tough time in my life.(Who didn't? Just that if they share it to you or not) The hardest time of my life began three years ago when I was about 11, I woke up one night at midnight because I heard some strange noise. I walked to the living room and saw my parents watching porn together. My dad quickly covered them with cover so I don't know did they wear anything.(Of course I hope the answer is yes but why did he cover themselves?) I ran back to bed, without crying and tried to sleep.(I don't know what was I thinking) My mum came in and tried to comfort me but left and told me she's gonna stay with dad before I go to sleep. That's how I became mature(at least I consider it this way). After that, there are times than I ate in the corridor with my parents watching porn in the living room. For some reason, I was quite fine with it when they told me the idea. My parents started to divorce when I was 12.(weird, huh?) There were numerous nights my dad came into where my mum and me slept and they just start arguing. They thought they can keep in low so I won't hear but I woke up every single time. They just argue before sleep after the one time my mum found out I wasn't asleep. Okay...that's too much. I'm personally a shy person and I dressed like a guy even though I'm a girl. Every of my friends and teachers believes I'm those kind of good student. I'm good at some subjects and not bad at the others so I always feel stress by others' expectation. I am not afraid of pain so whenever I feel like wanna cry(I almost never cry in front of others), I squeeze my arm very hard that my fingernails leave deep marks on it. If I'm alone in home, I would throw things and pinch things(even walls) to make me too tired to explode. All I could do(I think that's all) is live with it and try to manage my feelings. So, be tough! I'm sure you will eventually get through it and live your beautiful life. By the way, listen to music is good too. If you want to talk(or scream) to anyone, I'll be glad to help. My e-mail is ivycheang1252525@hotmail.com It's also for facebook and msn but I don't often go to msn.
]
well i would like to say i understand how you feel..but i havent gone through all the problems you have gone through but yes my sister/bestfriend has hurt me a lot, and i understand how you can feel alone...looking at you and your parents, you two are very different, they care about tangible luxaries and you are just looking to live. you should do some meditation or buddhism, if you want to find yourself spiritually. my oldest sister does buddhism and it does help relieve stress and mental pain. and about your sister getting a job before you, some people are luckier than others..but think of this, there is definently a better job out there and you will be the one getting it in the end. look you can try discussing to your family about this but i am not saying that they will definently understand..your parents seem to be just like my dad...he thinks that just because i have a home over my head and some food means that i should be happy. no, things dont work that way..and you may look healthy on the outside but you can be mentally ill on the inside..so i just hope you are able to find some piece of mind with all of this..and im sure you will go through with this..life is about going through obstacles and showing that you are strong enough to not be torn apart. dont let your family break you down, just think of soo much you can accomplish. and you are not alone..so many people go through this everyday..and some are luckier..but i hope i helped a little..just look at everyday a day closer to you finally living :)
]
You are not alone. I get how you feel you feel like all the walls are coming down on you. You keep your head up and if your sister is sayin that stuff than she is the one that is jealose of you. Sounds like you have a bright future just stick to it. Girl i will be your friend if you need one .
]
Hey =]
Response to poblem number 1;
Feeling like you are smothered is most commonly caused, I believe, by two things. Firstly, not being able to be yourself or express yourself (or not even knowing who you really are to begin with) and secondly not having any kind of escape from everyday problems or everyday life. Not feeling you can express yourself, well if is the case I wouldn't be too surprised. In a house where you feel like you're the odd one out, you must feel the need to make an effort to try and fit in or try and get along with the rest of the family, so i'm guessing at the same time you don't really want to be different from them anyway and make yourself feel even more rejected. I think think this is where the smothered feeling. I think if it was me in this situation I would have to decide to put the way I wanted to be first because it seems you're not going to fit in with your family anyway. So I, persnoally, would you suggest you start to really get to know yourself and be comfortable with yoruself, its amazing how free this can make you feel even when you don't really think you have any problems in life so I would suggest you try it.
'Getting to know yourself'...I know it sounds like a big cliche but it really works and all it means is basically 'getting out of your bubble' by this I mean start to do things you've always wanted to do but never quite felt brave enough, or even behave in the way that you would truly be more comfortable with but always thought it would make you rejected in some kind of way. If you still don't know what I mean have a look at this link ([Link](Mouse over link to see full location)). I think these ideas might come across as ones that won't ever really work but if you apply them and stick with them they honestly will begin to help.
As for finding an escape, well all I mean by this is finding something that you can do on you're own or maybe with just one particular person, that you can do on a regular basis with ease anytime you're feeling a bit down. This could be anything from taking up an instrument or just chilling out for an hour with some music. Again these ideas seem a bit trivial but its doing it on a regular basis which will make a difference because its all just to do with getting away from it all with something personal to you.
Response to poblem number 2;
Well I don't think i've ever given anyone this advice before because I think its usually too simplistic but I think in you're case its what is necessary. You just have to get out there and make some friends, don't worry, don't think about it too much just get out there and talk to people and see where it goes. For a start you need to get out of your own head and making friends and talking to people on a regular basis is one of the only ways you can do this (if you struggle to make friends as well or have confidence issues then you can discuss this more by contacting me on my email on my advicenators page)As for your sister, I think you've just got to be blunt and ask her why she has changed but make sure whatever you do when you talk to her that you don't get angry, you need to remain calm because if you start getting angry with her then you're only going to give her more reason to avoid telling you the way shes actually feeling and explain why shes started to behave like this recently.
General Response;
I think that you're right when you say that everything these days is competitive and this used to really frustrate me until recently when I realised you just can't get involved, let everyone else be competitive and be happy with the way you are. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to improve anything ever or you shouldn't try at anything, it just means you shouldn't try at something for the sake of being better than someone else. What i'm really trying to say is that by getting annoyed at the people you're becoming just as bad because you're acknowledging a competeive world, which means on some levels you're taking part in it. So refuse to acknowledge it.
My other general point is don't expect the whole world to change instantaneously, I know this sounds harsh, but its going to take some time to change things around and for you to have a change of mind set and mood. In the meantime you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, again this sounds harsh and I realise you probably have more of a right to feel that way than anyone else but you can't because getting upset can't physically change anything, you need to be strong =)
I hope at least some part of this helped in some way
Mike x
]
Okay, sounds like you're in a tough spot. I'll try to help out, but I'm warning you right now that you may not like the answer.
It sounds to me like your family has never recovered from losing your home. Ask yourself if these behaviors were always in place, or did things really get bad after the fire? The thing about fires is that they remove the identity.... the heart of the home. If you take a good look at your family it sounds as if you grew up in an emotionally abusive home.
However, you are now 17, close enough to being an adult as you can get. You have a choice. You can stick with your family, and call a family meeting. Or go to therapy together. Or you can leave and call it quits - but I can almost guarentee you'll regret that sooner or later.
No, it wasn't fair to grow up like that. Nor is it fair that your sister speaks to you that way. Nor is it fair that you have made poor relationship choices. And no, it is not fair that you will have to work your way through college. However, these are universally regarded as Things Everybody Goes Through (Unless They're Really Lucky).
If you want to break out and start living for yourself, I encourage you to make a goal list of things you will need to do in order to become fully independent. I also encourage you to see a therapist or attend a support group - contact your local mental health agency for more details.
Good luck! I hope this helps!
Play safe!
]
More Questions: |