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michael.c.gerrard@googlemail.com

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Psychology Student

Age:

19

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August 3, 2009

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38

Last Update:

September 13, 2009

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about

Well i don't really like doing 'about me' bits, so all I'll say is that I want to help as much as I can, and I think i'm quite good at seeing things from the perspective of others, a characteristic, I've always believed, to be essential when giving good advice. Feel free to ask me anything you like =)

*I've added my email, should be somewhere on my page and if anyone recieves advice from me and just wants to ask more about their problem or what they've said, they can ask me through that if they prefer =)

advice

I have to do a paper on a current sports controversy but I can't think of any and I can't find any on google. So what's a current controversy in sports?

Well I'm from the UK and the biggest sport over here is soccer. In soccer right now there is an issue with players cheating through diving in one form or another leading to players from the opposing team being sent off or penalised in some way. This may be interesting as if you are from the US (as i'm assuming) the topic will be from a foreign country AND theres ALOT of coverage on it in the UK and in fact all over europe so information should be easy to find. You could break it up into different sections and individually discuss ;how if a particular team loses a particular game because of this cheating it could effect their finances; how it is against the fair play rules which the players are all supposed to agree; the fact that some players and managers are okay with it and think it makes the game more interesting. If you chose to go for topic I can give you some recent incidents which you could use as case studies if you email me.

Good luck with it whatever you pick

MIke

(sorry i'm not sure if this is in the right subject but it seems about right) hi, i am 13 years old, i weigh 108 pounds and i am 5'8. about 4 months ago i weighed 153 pounds. everyday i force myself not to eat to a point where the hunger hurts so bad that i end up cutting my wrist just so i forget about the hunger pain. and whenever i do eat, its hardly anything and if i eat over about 400 calories or if i feel like i've eaten way too much i force myself to throw up (and i know that only bulimic people do that, but i dont binge like they do, only when i feel like i have eaten alot, and alot for me is like a pb & j sandwich). I really want to stop for me, and my friends all think that i am going to kill myself, i am so pale and weak and i really want to stop, but just the thought of eating and food makes me want to throw up. someone please please help me, i want to stop but i dont know how!

Well I've never had anorexia myself, but I've studied it as part of my course at university and I know that first of all cures are rare and the techniques, to prevent the condtion becoming worse that are available, do require alot of effort, information and experience and thats too much for someone of your age to deal with on their own. I don't mean that to be patronising but you have enough to deal with in that you're so unwell with it and you're at an age where you're whole world is changing alot, so you'll never be able to devote your time completely to changing things as you're time will already be divided.
Also, it isn't only bulimic people that binge eat or throw up in anyway, its actually becoming an increasingly common part of anorexia in people so you're not alone in that sense.
One other thing that I have learned from studying it is that it is a condition which becomes more troublesome the longer you take to do something about it because in a sense it becomes an addiction, in that you behave more aggressively in trying to achieve your goal (i.e. reaching the weight you want) the longer you have that addiction or condition. So you need to do something about it as soon as possible.
I'm not saying you HAVE to tell you're parents, but you're going to have to tell someone perhaps someone at school could put you in contact with the right people to talk to you about this.
If you want to know any specific information about the topic you can email me and i'll try to reply as best as i can although remember I'm not going to be able to give you experience, just the research on the matter.

I hope you work something out anyway, goood luck

Mike

i like funky weird kinds of music
can anyone suggest new bands for me to listen too?
these are some bands i really like just for an idea of the music i like
the moldy peaches
black moth super rainbow
the unicorns
crystal castles
stuff similar to that

If you like moldy peaches then you'll probably like a guy called jeff lewis, also look up band called netral milk hotel (specifically a song called two headed boy)who are a bit more serious but still a similar kind of music. Also you have to look up a band called Clap your hands say yes, they are really weird at first but after a year of listening to their first album they're definately one of my favourite bands, you need to give them a couple of listens to get into their style properly.

I think you should like them :)

Mike

Is there any sites where I can download philosophy podcasts to my iPod for free?

Thanks!

http://www.nigelwarburton.typepad.com/philosophy_bites/

http://www.philclassics.libsyn.com/

http://www.learnoutloud.com/Podcast-Directory/Philosophy/Ancient-and-Medieval-Philosophy/Philosophy-The-Classics-Podcast/23666

http://www.podcastalley.com/search.php?searchterm=philosophy

Have a look at them

I hope it helps

Mike !

Expressing myself through a computer screen Is very hard to do.So sharing info with random people is something i have never done in my life.But im just screaming for help and I have to be heard in one way or another.And im not here to be told that im just overreacting or that i just have to never give up because i've heard it all before and my pain runs so much deeper then that.So listen and just try to spare me the tough love and just help me by giving me the best advice possibly because that it what i really need right now.

This litte feeling that takes over me has been happening since I was a tyke. I mean i felt like my family has always teamed up on me.I guess you can call me the black sheep of my family.I mean my childhooh has been pretty rough but its not about that.The problem is that I feel like im always beening smothered.Like I can never breath in fresh air.When i was younger i used to live in this house that was huge..but sadly it burned to the ground in a huge house fire.So now i live in this box..literally.I feel like in going crazy.The house is over crowded by immature siblings and grown ups.My mom is 40 and so is my dad and those two argue like five year old kids.Im 17 years old and i still cover my ears everytime they go at.Im just so over the whole thing.Being here doesnt feel like a home and im just really ready to live.I mean what parents would want their kids to be around all this screaming and cursing.Im very disappointed in the both of them.Problem #2.The only person that i really felt close to was my twin sister.Its like I was born with my own best friend.From dressing alike to laughing at each others jokes..she was my rib.But no..when she got her so-called boyfriend things changed big time.She start saying things to me like how i couldnt keep a boyfriend becuase no one liked me and how i had no friends.Things that will scar my heart for life.Things she would have never said to me.And she really put me down when she got a job before me.I gratuated in may of 09 and have been looking for a job to help pay for college out of pocket.Im just so sick of being left out.As for friends..My life asnt been anything but a big competion with me.Why does frinedship have to be about jealousy.I can honestly say I never had true blue friends.Now a day everybody just compete's with everyone.No one's honest anymore.I just wanna go to college and start my life.But since I have no money..I have to work for it.Please dont tell me that there's finacial aid becuase i have recieved that but still its nott enough.Yes..I have applied for scholarships and grants.And no..mom and dad cant help becuase their just as selfish as the next person.All they can think about is buying the next hottest car becuase one of their co-workers have it.I need to find myself spiritually but cant never stay focused do to the negative things people fill my head with.I feel like cyring everyday.I just wanna break out of the walls and start my life they I want to. What can I do..? Please you guys..I feel so alone in this world.

Hey =]

Response to poblem number 1;

Feeling like you are smothered is most commonly caused, I believe, by two things. Firstly, not being able to be yourself or express yourself (or not even knowing who you really are to begin with) and secondly not having any kind of escape from everyday problems or everyday life. Not feeling you can express yourself, well if is the case I wouldn't be too surprised. In a house where you feel like you're the odd one out, you must feel the need to make an effort to try and fit in or try and get along with the rest of the family, so i'm guessing at the same time you don't really want to be different from them anyway and make yourself feel even more rejected. I think think this is where the smothered feeling. I think if it was me in this situation I would have to decide to put the way I wanted to be first because it seems you're not going to fit in with your family anyway. So I, persnoally, would you suggest you start to really get to know yourself and be comfortable with yoruself, its amazing how free this can make you feel even when you don't really think you have any problems in life so I would suggest you try it.
'Getting to know yourself'...I know it sounds like a big cliche but it really works and all it means is basically 'getting out of your bubble' by this I mean start to do things you've always wanted to do but never quite felt brave enough, or even behave in the way that you would truly be more comfortable with but always thought it would make you rejected in some kind of way. If you still don't know what I mean have a look at this link (http://www.innerworkspublishing.com/news/vol7/awareness.htm). I think these ideas might come across as ones that won't ever really work but if you apply them and stick with them they honestly will begin to help.
As for finding an escape, well all I mean by this is finding something that you can do on you're own or maybe with just one particular person, that you can do on a regular basis with ease anytime you're feeling a bit down. This could be anything from taking up an instrument or just chilling out for an hour with some music. Again these ideas seem a bit trivial but its doing it on a regular basis which will make a difference because its all just to do with getting away from it all with something personal to you.

Response to poblem number 2;

Well I don't think i've ever given anyone this advice before because I think its usually too simplistic but I think in you're case its what is necessary. You just have to get out there and make some friends, don't worry, don't think about it too much just get out there and talk to people and see where it goes. For a start you need to get out of your own head and making friends and talking to people on a regular basis is one of the only ways you can do this (if you struggle to make friends as well or have confidence issues then you can discuss this more by contacting me on my email on my advicenators page)As for your sister, I think you've just got to be blunt and ask her why she has changed but make sure whatever you do when you talk to her that you don't get angry, you need to remain calm because if you start getting angry with her then you're only going to give her more reason to avoid telling you the way shes actually feeling and explain why shes started to behave like this recently.

General Response;

I think that you're right when you say that everything these days is competitive and this used to really frustrate me until recently when I realised you just can't get involved, let everyone else be competitive and be happy with the way you are. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to improve anything ever or you shouldn't try at anything, it just means you shouldn't try at something for the sake of being better than someone else. What i'm really trying to say is that by getting annoyed at the people you're becoming just as bad because you're acknowledging a competeive world, which means on some levels you're taking part in it. So refuse to acknowledge it.
My other general point is don't expect the whole world to change instantaneously, I know this sounds harsh, but its going to take some time to change things around and for you to have a change of mind set and mood. In the meantime you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, again this sounds harsh and I realise you probably have more of a right to feel that way than anyone else but you can't because getting upset can't physically change anything, you need to be strong =)

I hope at least some part of this helped in some way

Mike x

i'm 19 years old, female. my cousin is 17.

me and him are really close. we hang out all the time and just always have a good time together. the dumb thing is that people think that we are dating! uhm hellooo? he is my COUSIN. people keep telling me, "you need to stop hanging out with him, people are starting to think you two are dating" and tonight my uncle was like youre not dating him are you? and i started laughing because how rediculous is that? and he was like see you cant even look at me and say youre not! i was like honestly, do you think i would ever ever EVER do that? its not like we flirt with each other, thats disgusting. we're just always together. whats so wrong with that? apparently there is something....

Some people just have one-track minds, in that they see to people together having fun and automatically assume that there can only be love involved. My friends always do this to me when I'm with my female friends and I think in some cases its because we're having fun and they're not so they get frustrated and one of the ways to get rid of the frustration is to blurt out some accusation to try prevent us from being happy and making us unhappy like them.
Don't worry about it anyway, as long as you're sure in you're mind of whats going on, you shouldn't let anyone make you're friendship uncomfortable in anyway, especially since you seem to enjoy hangin up so much. If it is a friendship then it is completely absolutely normal, it just happens to be with you're cousin, thats all. You got lucky, not everyones family is like that, which is probably another factor in that other people don't get on with their relatives as well.

So count yourself lucky and just ignore what everyone else says, you're doing nothing wrong =)

MIke =)

My family never goes to church. I mean literally, I don't know anything about God. I believe in God, but I don't know anything about him. I feel like my life would be better if I had the Lord in my life. I need to know what would be some ways to start getting him in my life. I started reading the bible, but I'm not sure if I should start in the old testament or the new one. I just need help getting started with God. I'm 17 by the way.

Well, I think some people may take this as being wrong, but I've attended church every single week since I was born and I've never picked up the bible and read it unless I was told to do so. Now I'm not saying you won't learn anything from it because most people do, I think, but everything I know, I know from attending church and even though you think you may need to know something about the religion before you go, I don't think you do because any preaching which is done, is usually specific to a particular text which will have been read at some point during the service. So I think its definately worth contacting those at a local church and checking its okay to attend a service and simply turn up because you will learn.
If however its not possible to go and you're just going to read the bible, then I would say this. The best thing about the bible is that you can pretty much open it up at a random page, read a particular passage and take a message from it. So if you like you can read it in the order it was written but my point is read whichever way you want to read , its not essential to read one book before the other. Although if picking random sections of the new testament, make sure you're familiar with the main charcters and basic storyline before you do that, but literally you only need to know the basics, otherwise it might not make sense.

Hope this helped

Mike!

How can one advance and become independent when one feels but very sad and afraid?

You need to more than anything be comfortable with yourself. Have a look at this link (http://www.innerworkspublishing.com/news/vol7/awareness.htm). This wel perhaps make you feel less afraid because you'll know who you are and what you could potentially achieve. As much of an contradiction as it sounds the best way to be less afraid and more independent is to get out of you're safety net, do things you wouldn't usually do, and most importantly don't be downhearted if they don't work out how you planned because thats when you'll really start to make progress. If you don't fear failure, then you'll definately become more independent.

I know this is a very short answer but I genuinely think this is at least the basic idea you need to follow in order to change such things. If you want to provide more information then just do so in your response and i will happily expand my response with relevance to that =)

Good luck =)

Mike

I have so many things going on in my head right now thats causing me to feel majorly depressed and miserable. Well, maybe its not a super major depression since I am able to function still and do things, but I do feel really miserable To make mattters worse the only friend I have is away for a long time so I can't talk to him about it or spend time with him to help me feel better and now I'm just sitting around at home all by myself. I find only lashing out at my parents or brother to be the only way to ease the pain but I can't do that it's wrong. I really don't want to see a counselor or therapist, not only do I not have easy access to these things, but I really don't want to tell my parents. I assure you, these are people who just won't understand. Is there any helpful tips in dealing with this by myself?

Well you see the thing is about talking to friends is that when you're feeling bad about something they, in my opinion, do two main things; 1) Provide emotional support in terms of comfort and by agreeing with you and being understanding 2) Basically allow you to empty you're head of all you're thoughts and feelings.
So the first one, well if you're friend has left then thats obviously not possible but the second point is the one i would like to focus on. Basically what I mean by it is that sometimes you just need to get out of you're own head, and when you talk about a problem and hear yourself discussing it, you sometimes think of things in a different way and its often like a weight of you're shoulders because its out in the open for everyone to hear. So if you don't think you have anyone to talk to, as strange as it sounds i suggest you write it out, in some form, either in a journal or else write a blog out online. The reason i suggest this is because, i was always previously (and still am today to some extent) one who is very much stuck in his own head. I used to worry about things endlessly. Don't ask me why but I started a blog, I wrote every single thought I had out and it made things better it just felt like I was getting everything out and well I even found some other people who were similar to me and they had blogs and we looked at each others and commented on a regular basis and that element made me feel less alone in how I was feeling. Most of all, when I would look back at what I'd wrote i'd usually think 'well that thing I was worrying about turned out not so bad in the end, maybe next time something similar happens, I shouldn't get so worked up'. So basically what it was doing was forcing myself to learn from my mistakes in terms of getting upset over things.
My other suggestion is, don't get comfortable feeling depressed, its very easy since being positive takes more effort for most people. You need to get out of that habit, you absolutely have to, you don't have a choice. The way to do this is; everytime you get a negative thought, in you're head say 'NO', as if you're shouting it inside you're head almost and force yourself to think of something else like even somethign stupid like going through song lyrics in you're head. This is quite hard to do but literally force yourself to do it and you'll start to get used to it and eventually it may begin to help at least sometimes.
Finally, I think you should find escape, but it needs to be something kind of positive, not like listening to dark music or anything if that would be a typical escape, it could be anything though like listening to classical music for like an hour everyday(I used to hate classical, I actually consider myself more of an heavy metal or indie person but I started to find this a good way to escape because it was so different from what I was used to) or painting (but happy things not anything dark) or even taking up an instrument, something that you can make completely yours and you can do at a particular point every so often to get you away from the world. This is another thing I can ensure you works if you pick up something and stick with it.

I hope some of this helps at least

Good luck

Mike!

Ok so i'm 18 years old. And im there's something that's been bugging me for the last 4 years. I don't know and i'm confused. See, i was dating this boy and he wanted to have sex. I was a virgin so i was kinda nervous and kept talling him no. This persisted for about a month where i kept saying no and no. But eventually he convinced me that no harm would be done if i was naked. i was stupid and thought that if i gave in and just got undressed maybe he'd drop it and stop asking me for sex. Anyways, we started making out and u got uncomfortable because i felt his hand gtouching my thigh. Then his fingers went inside me. I didn't say anything because it felt good. Well then he got on top of me and said. "Let me put it in you" i got nervous and told him no no no. But he kept pushing. I started to get scared so i scratched his chest but he proceed to pin my thighs open and he just pushed himself inside me, all the while i was crying and asking him to stop. I mean i know i didn't want to have sex. But, i feel like it was my fault too. Maybe i shouldn't have been such a slut and taken my clothes off. I don't know. But now it's gotten to the point where i can't think. I feel used and dirty. And now, 4 years later, i still can't get intimate with any guy because i'm so scared to think that he won't stop when i say "no." so. i don't know. was i raped? Or was it all my own fault?

Well yeah in the the sense that to be raped is to have sex forced upon you when you don't want it, I would say that you were. Was it you're own fault? absolutely not, if you put you're trust in him then he abused that trust then its his fault, he's the one that was to blame. I think by the sounds of it he lured you into a false sense of security in the way that he made it sound like there was absolutely nothing going to happen when you took your clothes off. Its his fault!!!
If you're still not convinced, think of it this way: Take a real step back and think, if it was someone else telling this story to you, would you say the girl was to blame? Don't think about what happened to you at all in anyway, if you'd never heard of such a thing happening, would you tell the female she was in the wrong. I don't think you would and I hope you wouldn't.
As for finding it hard to get intimate, well i'm sure you know, this is just becuase you've never properly dealt with the situation as i'm imagining you never confronted him about it or even, by the sounds of it, you haven't talked this over with anyone else. I think what you really need to do is just talk about it as much as possible, find a really good friend or even anyone (i'll give you an IM or email address you can contact me on if that would help) and just talk and let all you're thoughts out about it, it may be unpleasant but you need to tackle them and face what happened if you're ever even going to start to get over it.

So conclusion; no it wasn't you're fault and you need to talk about it, before anything else, to start getting over it. If you want to talk to me about it then leave you're email in response and i can email you my IM or email =)

Hope this helps

Mike!

16/f
I know I'm messed up....

I'm in high school, which are supposed to be the best years of your life right? But I'm just feeling lost and neglected by other people, but also by myself. I don't take care of myself the way I should. And I know this. But hear me out.

I eat very little and what I do eat, I run off downstairs in the basement in the dark where we keep the treadmill. I don't want to look down and be able to see my body, so I run in the dark.

Any free time I have at home I spend in my room on the Internet. I've developed this obsession with pornography on the computer. And I just can't help myself.

I'm learning to rely only on myself. I don't need other people around. I can get sexual gratification by myself, I can hide away in the dark when I need to exercise, and I can eat all my meals in my room so others don't have to watch me cram food down my throat.

I'm beginning to suffer from insomnia.

When I'm around other people I feel uncomfortable and insecure. Even my "closest" friends.

I'm a generally awkward person around people. When I get to know a person enough, I'm "myself", which though grown-ups will tell you that's who you should be, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm a strange person, and my two best friends have pointed it out to me on more than one occasion. And when they aren't telling me what's wrong with me, they give each other looks as if to say silently "She's messed up."

I know I'm messed up. They don't need to tell me that. I know I'm engaging in unhealthy activities. I know that. But, I don't want to stop being unhealthy. I feel like me acting this way is "rebellious". I'm never rebellious about anything. People stick me to that stereotype of "straight-laced" which I don't think is normal for a teenager. So I'm silently battling myself, and I get some kind of weird satisfaction with it. I constantly need to do these things to convince myself that I'm living life how life should be led.

There's another close friend who I think is catching on, but I don't want him to know these things about me. But I feel conflicted because at the same time, I want everyone to know. That way they'll know I'm a teenager. I want to prove that I have problems, but I dug myself into the mess.

It's messed up. There's a glimpse into my head.

Hey =]

I’m going to try and answer you’re every point individually, so prepare for a long answer =)

High school best years of your life, yeah that’s what I was told to, truth is they weren’t at all interesting for me and they were filled with fall outs, being jealous of the popular people, in fact anyone with a decent group of friends and I generally spent my time being unhappy. Although you know what, I’m glad that all happened, I think it made me a better person, I learned to always make everyone feel welcome and involved, how to make friends under pretty much any circumstances (this wouldn’t have happened if I’d stayed comfortably with one group of friends) and generally toughened me up. Now, I’m happy, I have a good group of friends, I could have a girlfriend if I wanted, but trust me, I was never particularly good looking or charming, I still don’t have great social skills, but my experience at high school changed me and things ended up working out because of that. So don’t think it’s the end of the world yet. And please believe me when I say I wasn’t exactly brilliant socially, I really wasn’t, so don’t think that it’s always going to be this way forever.

Not wanting to look at your body, well I’m sure as you know, it’s not an uncommon feeling, I think what you have to learn to do is just be comfortable with it. If you’re not happy, then one of the main causes is usually that you’re not comfortable with who you are and well you just have to change this, because otherwise you’re never going to be completely happy. I think getting angry is a good way to do this, what I mean by this is that every time you think ‘I hate my body’ you should realise that you’re comparing it to everyone else’s and thinking that because its not as perfect as theirs that it’s a horrible body and so in realising this you should be thinking ‘well to hell with them, I don’t even like them so why should I try to fit in with their normal standards’ because at the end of the day it sounds as if you’re trying to make yourself look good when you don’t even really like the people around you enough to respect their opinions so…to hell with them, look how you want and the way that you’re comfortable with.

As for the pornography, well its not really an issue to be honest, I think its probably an escape for you, a consistency that you can rely on to distract you from the world. It is because it acts as such a good distraction that you have developed an addiction. If you want to stop then you’re going to have to find an equally distracting thing, which I will deal with next but if not then it doesn’t matter, there’s nothing really wrong with it, again its just not maybe seen by everyone as normal, but its your choice, do what you want. As for replacing it, well you should probably try something you’re passionate about, although I’m guessing at this point in time you’re not very passionate about anything so maybe try a past passion and try getting back into it. Although it could even be simple as just absolutely chilling out on your bed with music on and taking a nap while you listen, but it needs to be something that you think you can do long term, and everytime you start thinking of the pornography, go do that particular thing straight away instead of going for the pornography.

Learning to rely on yourself, I actually think this is a good thing, because it means you can pretty much do what you want and know that if it all goes wrong, well at least you’re used to doing things on your own so you can get away from everything if you have to. So I think this should actually encourage you to be quite adventurous, because if it all goes wrong, it doesn’t really matter, you won’t have lost out on anything. Whereas I think most people are scared to do this because they are terrified of not being able to cope on their own, so I think you should count yourself lucky and use it to you’re advantage. Like I said earlier, to hell with everyone else, you’ve got an opportunity here that not everyone has, get out of you’re comfort zone and use it!!! Because at least it can’t make things any worse. By this I mean go out and try and build new, more satisfying relationships and similar things that you think will genuinely bring you more long term happiness.

The insomnia and the worrying even around you’re closest friends-my response to this is simple, just don’t worry. The best advice I ever received was ‘why would you worry? Its not going to physically change anything by thinking about it in you’re head’. So every time a thought creeps into you’re head I want you to literally say ‘NO’ or at least in you’re head if its not appropriate to say it out loud, and automatically change the subject (to anything even if its stupid) , don’t dwell on it for a second. The danger of worrying is that you often get comfortable with it and falling into a negative state of mind and then just let it go over and over in your head because it takes more effort to feel positive when you’re feeling like you are. It’ll take some real effort at first but please try what I said, it genuinely works after a while.

I consider myself genuinely quite an awkward person, and well like I said earlier I’m happy now. If you’re friends are thinking like that, maybe you’ve just got the wrong friends, because being awkward doesn’t mean you deserve to be looked down on, its just something you can’t help, it doesn’t make you bad or mean you’re not interesting. Be proud that you’re different like I keep saying, maybe you’ve just got to find other ‘different’ people that won’t judge you so much or make you feel like you should be another way.

I don’t think any of the things you have described sounds unhealthy in anyway, simple as that. Just different from what you’re surrounded by like I keep saying.

You sound very confused as to how to live you’re life, the problem is you’re thinking about it too much and getting confused by mixing up what you want with what everyone else wants. I think a good task would be to write out genuinely what you think would lead to a happy life, in a list, look at them, take the one of the factors that seems easiest to apply in your own life and start trying to change you’re life so that this factors becomes part of it. Try working you’re way through the list one at a time, because this way you’re only paying attention to what you think makes for a good way to live life and so not getting confused by other peoples unnecessary input.

There's another close friend who I think is catching on, but I don't want him to know these things about me. But I feel conflicted because at the same time, I want everyone to know. That way they'll know I'm a teenager. I want to prove that I have problems, but I dug myself into the mess.

As for wanting everyone to know, it’s a definite sign you’re looking for attention, which is completely normal, so you need to find someone to talk to. If this other close friend is catching and seems interested then I think you should tell him, but only if you think you’re close enough, because, well I’m assuming you don’t want to freak him out and scare him away, so maybe try gradually letting some of it go at a time and see how he takes it. Talking is definitely a good idea, it helps you get out of your own head, which is probably responsible for a lot of the feelings that you are having. Talking it out with someone when you’re feeling like this is really important, I can’t stress it enough.

I’m glad you re-posted this question, otherwise I would have missed it, I hope some of this helps in some way, if it doesn’t tell me whats wrong with it and I’ll try again I genuinely want to help because you sound like you’re going through a hard time but I think with some patience and the right approach could be sorted out. So feel free to ask me any other questions via my account and if not then I genuinely wish you the best of luck.

Mike x

http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=569972

can you answer this question please! i really need some male perspective at this point

Hey =]

Well first of all, the cause of you're boyfriend being pissed off and in general the fact that he turns up late to pick you up etc etc, I think is partly because he feels slightly trapped in that he eis in a a way responsible for you. By this I mean that he has to help take you fromplace to place etc. Now although he may have been happy to do this, but after a while it perhaps started to get in the wayand meant he couldn't do things that he wanted to do or else it interupted the things that he wanted to do. At the same time though he would feel that he couldn't say no to you because he would be letting you down and feel guilty. So because of this he may start to feel frustrated because he can't decide what to do. It is this frustration which I believe is possibly the root of the problem.
So to have any chance of getting back together I think you first of all regain his trust. You need to tell him to be completely honest with you and insure him that you won't be angry when he is honest,you just want to understand how his feelings. If you do this, it will be like a fresh start. After this you need to both agree to be more open about feelings, so for example if he doesn't want to come pick you up then you can discuss it and then maybe this will put an end to him being quietly frustrated with you not understanding why he is acting in a particular way.
I think also that you should apologise, even if you haven't neccessarily done something wrong, because an apology is often all that is needed to make the other person admit they were wrong and it is generally good for clearing the air. By the sounds of it you don't like losing (based upon the fact you said you don't let go of an argument) but in this case I think it would be worth it because it will help regain the trust of someone you've loved for two years.
So in conclusion, don't put too much pressure on him to quickly, take it all slow, try and get him to be more honest, but not in a forceful way and maybe consider apologising, not because you're at fault but because it might revive you're realtionship.

I hope I've been some help, this is a complicated issue, so if I haven't been as helpful as you'd like explain why and I'll try again =)

Mike

I lack decent communication skills, I'm very shy, I don't like making eye contact or smiling at people, and I have difficulty making new friends and creating relationships. Such tasks as dating are very difficult for me and I'm only 21 years old. It feels like I'm never able to talk about things other people are interested in. I tried examining myself with a DSM book and I think I might have "Asperger's" but I don't know for sure since I haven't seen a doctor about these problems. Where can I get help?

Well you may have asperger's syndrome but the characteristics which you have described do not necessarily define it. The shyness, lack of eye contact and relationship problems are problems that many different people have they are usually caused by a lack of self esteem, low confidence or else just perhaps caused by problems in the past, for example if you've had been experienced with friends in the past. Dating is another problem that is common amongst alot of people and it is usually to do with the fact that you feel pressured into behaving to a certain standard or else you generally feel like you are under the spotlight.
So if you think you have a low self esteem, confidence, you've had problems with making friends in the past and its more the pressure than anything that gets to you on dates, then i'd advise you don't go see a doctor but instead someone who can help break down you're feelings and work through them with you to see why you struggle with social situations. Theres most likely lots of people in your area who deal with councilling and things like that so maybe you should try contacting them for a session and then if that goes well you could continue to see them, or else one session might be all that you need to figure out what step to take next. Also if you attend university, college, or work in a large company, there are often on-site councillors that may be of some help to you.

Hope this helps =)

Mike

I have a huge problem that makes me feel very depressed. Everytime I hook up (as in make out) with a boy, I become attached. I've only hooked up with a few boys and every one of them has been a boy I hadn't met before that night. So when I hook up with them I always have an expectation of something happening after (which I know isn't realistic, but I can't help it) and when it doesn't (which it never does) I feel really upset and lonely. So I say to myself, "okay I'm the type of girl who needs a committed boy, not just a random hook-up, so I'll never hook up with a random boy again". But then soon I find myself thinking OMG I HAVEN'T HOOKED UP WITH ANYONE IN A WHILE WHATS WRONG WITH ME I NEED TO GET WITH SOMEONE. and then i'll hook up with another random boy when given the opportunity, and then once again when they don't talk to me or we don't hang out again after (which we never do), i get upset/lonely again. It's like an endless cycle. My first hook-up was 4 months ago, and before that, I NEVER felt like I needed a boy. Like obviously I wanted one because i had never had a boyfriend or even a kiss, but then ever since my first hook-up I haven't felt independant like I used too. Now i feel like I'm always gunna need a boy to make me feel better and not lonely (even though I never actually have one) because once I started hooking up with boys, there was no turning back cause now I'm always dependant. I always told myself I would NEVER become dependant on a boy but i find myself becoming attached to every guy I hook up with. I just wish I could enjoy the moment while I'm hooking up with someone and live in that moment only and just do it for fun at that time,and then when it's over not care if the boy ever talks to me again. But it's not like that at all unfortunately. What can I do to stop this, it's really hurting me :( and please don't say stop hooking up with boys, because if I don't hook up with a boy in more than a month i feel extremely deprived and bored and lonely. and don't say find a boy that you can actually build a relationship with, because i've been trying that for 4 months and it hasn't worked so there is no one i can hook up with and continue hanging out with/talking too after. thanks.

Hey =]

Well first of all, its good that you've realised that theres a cycle going here and you're very much stuck in it, so the solution generally for getting out of a cycle is to just do something slightly different or approach the situation you're in, with a different state of mind.
Firstly though, you should realise that most people think in the same way you do, they think that one kiss or whatever it is with a particular person may lead to a life of happiness etc etc, so don't try and stop yourslef thinking like that or get worried about thinking like that because its pretty much the natural thing to do =)
Anyway returning to the 'changing of the cycle', its also quite common to feel the way you do in terms of thinking 'whats wrong with me, i haven't hooked up. Theres usually two causes of this, either you're quite insecure about being attractive or else you're surrounded by people who constantly 'hook up' and so you feel a bit left out. For all the people i know who feel like this, it is usually a combination of the two. So firstly to deal with the 'everyone else is doing it an i feel left out part', you really shouldn't feel left out at all, the fact that several different people are attracted to you is really quite impressive, most people don't get that much attention, if you're friends are hooking up more than you, then it shouldn't matter you should genuinely consider yourself lucky for the attention you are getting =). Although, like i mentioned it may also be to do with not feeling comfortable with yourself, or not feeling attractive, well this is also to do with the amount of attention you get because you've probably set yourself quite a high standard because of all the times you have hooked up, which means you start thinking anytime theres a bit of a dry spell that theres a problem or that everyone will be looking down on you because you've not reached a certain target or standard, when in reality its only you thats setting these targets.
So the point i'm getting at is, regardless of whether you continue to hook up with more boys or not, you need to be comfortable with yourself and really think am i doing this because I want to or is there something else encouraging me to do this.
As for hooking up and not getting hurt, well I'm sorry but its really really hard to do if you genuinely feel really attached to the person everytime you do. It seems that you're looking for some constant attention (i don't mean this in a negative way, honestly), so couldn't you just find one of them that you like and ask them out. This doesn't mean you have to be dependent on them, you're only young, relationships are never expected to be serious at you're age. You'd just be having fun and you wouldn't have to worry about meeting any targets or anything like that.
So in conclusion I would say maybe think about getting going out with one of the boys you meet, you don't need to take it too seriously but ultimately make sure you really consider why you have such a strong need to hook up and if it is for the reasons i suggested, then all you have to do is set yourself lower standards =)

Hope this helped

Mike x

I am 28 years old and at a crossroads in my life.
While I can appreciate that I am not truly impoverished, I feel I have lost much of my livelihood in the last 10 years.

I can't seem to get started in life, not with a career, not with a romance, not with a passion or search for spiritual meaning... and now I'm starting to gain weight and worried that I will become obese and trapped like my mother in a dysfunctional marriage, complacent in a constant state of denial.

I am unstable in so many ways at this point, I feel I need professional help - yet others still seem to think I have everything going for me...well mostly anyway. They say I'm still young, pretty, talented, college-educated, living rent-free (with parents, sigh)... I have a car. I'm lucky!

I get griped at by my family and my romantic partner for being lazy and unappreciative when all I do is say "thank you" and humble myself constantly and seek advice from anyone willing to give me it as to what I need to do to be doing something right. And I don't just sit around all day - I have spent a lot of time and money on my education, on job searches...but I still have no sense of direction or focus.

I don't think a doctor would actually diagnose me with clinical depression, but when I turn my mind to the pressures I sense about my situation, I feel depressed anyway and despite my best attempts, seem easily defeated at most courses towards improvement that I pursue.

I am desperate to find purpose and contentment in my existence. I know I am worthwhile and interesting and deserve to be here and sharing it...but what next?

I have very little money to throw away on extravagances at the moment - but should I see a professional therapist?

I sometimes feel that if I could just afford to live comfortably in my own place without anyone around to hassle me, I might feel sane again.

Hey =]

I wouldn't say that you are depressed but that you are living with to much of a focus on the people around you. You say that you feel that you have lost your livlihood and to me livlihood represents the ability to be completely free, to let everything go and ultimately be yourself. In contrast, mostly in this post you have talked about how your partner, your parents and your friends feel. Doesn't that say something? Maybe the fact that you are more focused on what they are saying about you, is what is taking you're livlihood away. Thats my general opinion, but there are some other issues i'd like to address.
Firstly, you are comparing yourself to your mother, now although it is not unusual for people to end up like their parents, it does not mean you have to be. The fact that you have recognised that her life is dysfunctional means you're probably not going to let yourself get into that similar situation, as long as you keep this in your mind.
Secondly as for instability, well of course you haven't gone into detail about this so it is hard to say for sure what would be the best solution, however from my experiences the best is simply to talk. It sounds simple but if you get a good friend and have a good chat on a regular basis, as long as you are as honest as you feel you can be then slowly you'll start to feel a change, firstly because you will be discussing you're problems and you're feelings and so getting them out of your head and secondly it means you, yourself, from hearing things out loud will maybe start to think 'hang on...i didn't realise i felt like that until i really started to talk about it'. Also, (people always think this is a weird thing when they first start but it helps a lot) start writing out you're own feelings in some way, if you have easy access to a computer then a blog and if not then just write them out wherever you can. The important thing about this though is to go back at the end of every week or every so often anyway and look back and read what you've said and it'll really get you thinking about what you want and where you are and how you could maybe feel better by addressing some of the problems. I think ultimately if you have so much trouble focusing it means that you're not at all interested in what you are doing, I mean maybe you're trying to force yourself dow a 'path' that you don't really want to go down. So maybe by writing out you're thoughts or talking to someone on a frequent basis this will help establish what path you really do want to go down.
Forthly, I think from reading this,although you didn't actually mention the matter at all, you don't seem like the type of person that does anything purely from themselves or without the voices of other in their head. This is obviously key to livlihood, so I think what you need to do is find something for you and you alone. Its different for everyone what that one thing is, whether its picking up an instrument or finding a particular restaraunt where nobody else you know goes and going their with a friend or two every so often. It may not be like moving into you're own place but by doing this, you can create a kind of escape from everything by knowing that despite all the hassle from your partner and parents you can always look forward to thiks one thing to take you're mind of things.
That leads me nicely on to the final point which is that you really shouldn't let those people get to you, when you're feeling the way you do, all you need is 6 more problems caused by them, get them out of your head, if you feel you have to deal with them, just smile and agree with everything they say, even if you dont mean it, and maybe they'll start to understand you're just not interested in them putting you down. When people are like this with me, I tend to take it personally, but all I do is give one of my friends a call and talk it out and i feel fine by the next day about whoever it was that said anything. Also to return to a point I made earlier, this is why blogs are very helpful because you can go let out all you're feeling because you can just go rant about whatever (insert name here) said about you.

Well thats all I can think of that might help, I hope you find what it is you need to kickstart things from somewhere anyway, good luck =)

Mike

Hi there, my name is Chrissy and I'm 17. I work at this conutry club and I absolutley hate it. I got sent home one day because I wasnt feeling too great. Once I was feeling better (I haven't been there for 2 months because of physical and personal problems) , I called to say I could come back. My main employer wasn't there so I left a message with one of the office workers. I asked them to tell her to call me back and I'm not sure if she'd gotten the message. So now I'm scared to call there and ask for my resignation. What should I do?

Hey =]

Well it seems to me that if you hate the place then you shouldn't be scared of calling them back. I mean if one of your friends said something to you that was quite offensive towards you, then usually you would think 'well they don't care about me, why should i care about them' and respond with whatever you feel like. So in the same way, if you don't feel attached at all to your workplace and they're not even interested in calling you back when the ask them to, why are you worried about responding? If you're worried about phoning them back, i'm assuming you're a little bit frustrated about the whole situation, so let some of that frustration out (theres nothing wrong with that) get on the phone and just tell them you've had enough and you want to resign. Its always easier to just get on with these things and sort them out as soon as possible, you're never going to have to speak to these people again anyway so don't worry about what they think of you or how you come across.

Hope this helped in some way

Mike

19/female!

so i always hear guys talking about how much they love girls with CURVES.

curves; what exactly is it? does it come from working out, is it just having more "meat on the bones?" i've always been tiny, and i can't seem to gain weigh nor get any curves like i wish i had.

is there any way to get themmm? and loook healthier!?

Well i am a guy, so maybe this will help, 'curves' just basically means of an average weight because some people don't think that very thin girls are as attractive. I think the most important thing to realise is that you don't have to do anything to get 'curves' its all about being at an absolutely natural weight and well if you are naturally thin, then you shouldn't worry about it either because thats just as attractive a similar amount of guys and its only when girls are very very very skinny (which from what you've said you aren't) that it becomes less attractive to most. So you shouldn't worry about that.
However you have to realise that this is all just a big generalization and really every guy is completely different in their tastes in females, so its easier to be the way you want to be, because it'd be impossible to have a body that is attractive to everyone.
If however you do want to put up some weight, just increase the amount of calories you eat every day, but make sure you also increase the amount of exercise you do everyday or across the week, because otherwise you will become unhealthy. Its healthy to increase your diet by 500 calories a day at first and then after doing that for a couple of weeks if you feel comfortable then put it up another 500, I wouldn't go much further than that because firstly if you're not used to eating that much you're body won't be able to take it,and secondly its usually quite hard to find the time to add an extra 1000 calories into you're day.

If you are interested in adding extra calories the following to links should be helpful

http://ezinearticles.com/?Healthy,-High-Calorie-Foods-For-Weight-Gain&id=459069

http://caloriecount.about.com/healthy-high-calorie-food-ft91302

Although remember what I said, you can't be attractive to everyone and alot of guys prefer skinny girls, so as long as you're putting on the weight because you think it'll genuinely make you feel better or thats really what you want, try why I said above, but if you're just doing it to fit in with what people are saying then I think you need to remember that all guys have different tastes, and its quite possible that you're absolutely perfect, for someone, the way you are.

I hope at least part of this help, good luck with whatever you chose to do =)

Mike

i feel really bad for some reason about myself.
like im starting to wonder why people like me..
anyone know how to help me?

Hey =]

Sounds like you've had too much time to think recently or else you're getting stuck inside you're own head and overthinking everything. The ultimate solution is to stop thinking so much,which is quite a difficult thing to do, so I am going to explain some things that helped me because I used to be a bit like this from time to time.
First of all if you're thinking about this kind of stuff it means you're probably lacking from distractions in you're life. You need to get out and do something, don't think about whether everyone likes you or not, just get out with some friends, most importantly do something different, because that means you'll find it interesting and it'll hopefully distract you.
Secondly, (I understand this is quite hard at first but when you persist it really works)everytime a negative thought comes into my head that makes you feel bad about yourself just say 'NO' inside you're head, literally and then try and replace the thought with something different. You need to do this everytime otherwise you will just continue to have negative thoughts.
Thirdly, this is probably the best advice anyone ever gave me, don't worry about things, do what you can to ensure everything goes as well as possible and that you're doing what you can to achieve what you want, but if you've done that, then you shouldn't worry because at the end of the day worrying can't physically change anything.
Hopefully that can help you deal with the 'wondering if people like you', as for feeling bad about yourself well there are several things to take into consideration. For example are you truthful to yourself, I mean do you really behave like you want to or as others tell you to? Do you lie alot? Are you constantly trying to compete with people and trying to be better than them at everything? Theres a million other questions I could ask but what I'm essentially trying to highlight is that if you're not being yourself and are trying to be something you're not, then, deep down, you wont be happy. So maybe thats why you aren't happy about yourself. The only other reason I can think of is that you are so worried about another people not liking you that you are starting to think that there must be something wrong with you. So to deal with this you should just think of what I said about worrying earlier.

Hopefully some of this is relevant and helps out, I hope you feel better regardless =)

Mike

I was just wondering why my cousing got upset today even though he's autistic becouse his cheeseburgers were wrapped in white paper instead of yellow paper he got hostile about it.

It is because its an inconsistency in a routine of some sort. As autistic people are typically very logical people, they find random unjustified changes very confusing and often makes them unsure of the environment which they are in. This means that because they was no real reason to change the colour of the paper, because it served its purpose efectively beforehand, it confused your cousin and therefore he got upset about it.

I hope this makes sense =)

Michael

Ok, so basically I've been talking this kid for a little over a year. Never dated, and we were really close last summer and then I went off to school and we didn't talk much then. But everytime I would come home we would talk again, and this summer I think it got even more serious. We talk everyday, and practically see each other at least once a week, (but its with a group of people), and we have hung out alone on several occasions.

And I think I'm really starting to fall for this kid, and I'm actually considering turning it into something more. But here's the thing, we've never done anything more than kissed, which we only did once. Yes ONE TIME! and that consisted of me practically attacking him when I was a little under the influence, but either way it was pretty great. And we do do cute things like cuddle or hold hands sometimes but thats it.

But anyway, we both really really into each other, but I was wondering is it really possible to like someone that much when nothing physical has been done? I mean, I've never really known a relationship I've had where its been otherwise. It's always been mostly physical. So I was just wondering your opinion on how exactly the physical stuff is in starting a relationship?

Hey

Firstly I think the fact that there doesn't appear to have anything bad said about that time you kissed and he didn't distance himself from you then he probably liked it.
To be honest the physical stuff is only important in terms of actually defining the relationship, it gives you something that you can let other people (or each other) know, to confirm you are in a relationship. Other than that the main function of the physical stuff is....fun haha. You really sound like a couple already, and this is the way me and one of my girlfriend's were for ages before we went out and when we finally decided to go out the physical stuff came pretty soon after, but we didn't rush into it or anything and more to the point it only started after the relationship!
The straight answer- NO

Mike =)

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