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I wasn't sure what category to put this into.
16/f
I know I'm messed up....
I'm in high school, which are supposed to be the best years of your life right? But I'm just feeling lost and neglected by other people, but also by myself. I don't take care of myself the way I should. And I know this. But hear me out.
I eat very little and what I do eat, I run off downstairs in the basement in the dark where we keep the treadmill. I don't want to look down and be able to see my body, so I run in the dark.
Any free time I have at home I spend in my room on the Internet. I've developed this obsession with pornography on the computer. And I just can't help myself.
I'm learning to rely only on myself. I don't need other people around. I can get sexual gratification by myself, I can hide away in the dark when I need to exercise, and I can eat all my meals in my room so others don't have to watch me cram food down my throat.
I'm beginning to suffer from insomnia.
When I'm around other people I feel uncomfortable and insecure. Even my "closest" friends.
I'm a generally awkward person around people. When I get to know a person enough, I'm "myself", which though grown-ups will tell you that's who you should be, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm a strange person, and my two best friends have pointed it out to me on more than one occasion. And when they aren't telling me what's wrong with me, they give each other looks as if to say silently "She's messed up."
I know I'm messed up. They don't need to tell me that. I know I'm engaging in unhealthy activities. I know that. But, I don't want to stop being unhealthy. I feel like me acting this way is "rebellious". I'm never rebellious about anything. People stick me to that stereotype of "straight-laced" which I don't think is normal for a teenager. So I'm silently battling myself, and I get some kind of weird satisfaction with it. I constantly need to do these things to convince myself that I'm living life how life should be led.
There's another close friend who I think is catching on, but I don't want him to know these things about me. But I feel conflicted because at the same time, I want everyone to know. That way they'll know I'm a teenager. I want to prove that I have problems, but I dug myself into the mess.
It's messed up. There's a glimpse into my head.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Health?
Hey =]
I’m going to try and answer you’re every point individually, so prepare for a long answer =)
High school best years of your life, yeah that’s what I was told to, truth is they weren’t at all interesting for me and they were filled with fall outs, being jealous of the popular people, in fact anyone with a decent group of friends and I generally spent my time being unhappy. Although you know what, I’m glad that all happened, I think it made me a better person, I learned to always make everyone feel welcome and involved, how to make friends under pretty much any circumstances (this wouldn’t have happened if I’d stayed comfortably with one group of friends) and generally toughened me up. Now, I’m happy, I have a good group of friends, I could have a girlfriend if I wanted, but trust me, I was never particularly good looking or charming, I still don’t have great social skills, but my experience at high school changed me and things ended up working out because of that. So don’t think it’s the end of the world yet. And please believe me when I say I wasn’t exactly brilliant socially, I really wasn’t, so don’t think that it’s always going to be this way forever.
Not wanting to look at your body, well I’m sure as you know, it’s not an uncommon feeling, I think what you have to learn to do is just be comfortable with it. If you’re not happy, then one of the main causes is usually that you’re not comfortable with who you are and well you just have to change this, because otherwise you’re never going to be completely happy. I think getting angry is a good way to do this, what I mean by this is that every time you think ‘I hate my body’ you should realise that you’re comparing it to everyone else’s and thinking that because its not as perfect as theirs that it’s a horrible body and so in realising this you should be thinking ‘well to hell with them, I don’t even like them so why should I try to fit in with their normal standards’ because at the end of the day it sounds as if you’re trying to make yourself look good when you don’t even really like the people around you enough to respect their opinions so…to hell with them, look how you want and the way that you’re comfortable with.
As for the pornography, well its not really an issue to be honest, I think its probably an escape for you, a consistency that you can rely on to distract you from the world. It is because it acts as such a good distraction that you have developed an addiction. If you want to stop then you’re going to have to find an equally distracting thing, which I will deal with next but if not then it doesn’t matter, there’s nothing really wrong with it, again its just not maybe seen by everyone as normal, but its your choice, do what you want. As for replacing it, well you should probably try something you’re passionate about, although I’m guessing at this point in time you’re not very passionate about anything so maybe try a past passion and try getting back into it. Although it could even be simple as just absolutely chilling out on your bed with music on and taking a nap while you listen, but it needs to be something that you think you can do long term, and everytime you start thinking of the pornography, go do that particular thing straight away instead of going for the pornography.
Learning to rely on yourself, I actually think this is a good thing, because it means you can pretty much do what you want and know that if it all goes wrong, well at least you’re used to doing things on your own so you can get away from everything if you have to. So I think this should actually encourage you to be quite adventurous, because if it all goes wrong, it doesn’t really matter, you won’t have lost out on anything. Whereas I think most people are scared to do this because they are terrified of not being able to cope on their own, so I think you should count yourself lucky and use it to you’re advantage. Like I said earlier, to hell with everyone else, you’ve got an opportunity here that not everyone has, get out of you’re comfort zone and use it!!! Because at least it can’t make things any worse. By this I mean go out and try and build new, more satisfying relationships and similar things that you think will genuinely bring you more long term happiness.
The insomnia and the worrying even around you’re closest friends-my response to this is simple, just don’t worry. The best advice I ever received was ‘why would you worry? Its not going to physically change anything by thinking about it in you’re head’. So every time a thought creeps into you’re head I want you to literally say ‘NO’ or at least in you’re head if its not appropriate to say it out loud, and automatically change the subject (to anything even if its stupid) , don’t dwell on it for a second. The danger of worrying is that you often get comfortable with it and falling into a negative state of mind and then just let it go over and over in your head because it takes more effort to feel positive when you’re feeling like you are. It’ll take some real effort at first but please try what I said, it genuinely works after a while.
I consider myself genuinely quite an awkward person, and well like I said earlier I’m happy now. If you’re friends are thinking like that, maybe you’ve just got the wrong friends, because being awkward doesn’t mean you deserve to be looked down on, its just something you can’t help, it doesn’t make you bad or mean you’re not interesting. Be proud that you’re different like I keep saying, maybe you’ve just got to find other ‘different’ people that won’t judge you so much or make you feel like you should be another way.
I don’t think any of the things you have described sounds unhealthy in anyway, simple as that. Just different from what you’re surrounded by like I keep saying.
You sound very confused as to how to live you’re life, the problem is you’re thinking about it too much and getting confused by mixing up what you want with what everyone else wants. I think a good task would be to write out genuinely what you think would lead to a happy life, in a list, look at them, take the one of the factors that seems easiest to apply in your own life and start trying to change you’re life so that this factors becomes part of it. Try working you’re way through the list one at a time, because this way you’re only paying attention to what you think makes for a good way to live life and so not getting confused by other peoples unnecessary input.
There's another close friend who I think is catching on, but I don't want him to know these things about me. But I feel conflicted because at the same time, I want everyone to know. That way they'll know I'm a teenager. I want to prove that I have problems, but I dug myself into the mess.
As for wanting everyone to know, it’s a definite sign you’re looking for attention, which is completely normal, so you need to find someone to talk to. If this other close friend is catching and seems interested then I think you should tell him, but only if you think you’re close enough, because, well I’m assuming you don’t want to freak him out and scare him away, so maybe try gradually letting some of it go at a time and see how he takes it. Talking is definitely a good idea, it helps you get out of your own head, which is probably responsible for a lot of the feelings that you are having. Talking it out with someone when you’re feeling like this is really important, I can’t stress it enough.
I’m glad you re-posted this question, otherwise I would have missed it, I hope some of this helps in some way, if it doesn’t tell me whats wrong with it and I’ll try again I genuinely want to help because you sound like you’re going through a hard time but I think with some patience and the right approach could be sorted out. So feel free to ask me any other questions via my account and if not then I genuinely wish you the best of luck.
Mike x
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Hm. The first thing that caught my attention about this is that you are doing this because it's rebellious, and you're happy that people will notice that? Well you shouldn't do something just to prove to others something. Who cares if you are "straight-laced" it's usually the better way to go. And being straight-laced is definitely common in a teenager. I, myself, a 16 year old girl is so called "straight-laced" but I don't let it get to me when people call me that, I just move on. People can be rebellious if they want, that's them. If you aren't usually rebellious, you shouldn't change yourself just to please others. It's good to know that you know about your problem, but yet, you shouldn't have the problem in the first place. It seems like you're just letting others decide you're actions, and how you treat yourself whether you realize it or not. Don't let other people create your lifestyle for you. You have to do it yourself. And if you are uncomfortable with your body, eating very little isn't going to help you. If anything, it would make it worse. You need to get proper nutrition and eat healthy. It doesn't mean you only eat vegetables and stuff. Just make sure when you eat, its not only junk food. Even if you have at least some type of healthy food in your diet, its better then none at all. Overall, just be yourself. Don't listen to what other people say or think. Erase everything that anyone has said about you that brought you down, and think about the positives about you. You may think there are none, but believe me if you look hard enough there are. And all teenagers are different. Don't try to be like a "typical" teenager, because there is none. The only type of teenager is the one that YOU are, and even though you may "want" to be like the way you are, you shouldn't have to want to be like something, you should just be it without even trying. I know my advice was kind of just to the point and no really uplifting feel to it, and kind of bounced around, but i just wrote what I was thinking. What I'm saying is what I think can help. If you have any other questions, you are more then welcome to ask me. :]
Good Luck! <3
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